Come for the politics, stay for the snark.

I’d try pessimism, but it probably wouldn’t work.

Infrastructure week. at last.

Balloon Juice has never been a refuge for the linguistically delicate.

So it was an October Surprise A Day, like an Advent calendar but for crime.

I’d like to think you all would remain faithful to me if i ever tried to have some of you killed.

And now I have baud making fun of me. this day can’t get worse.

fuckem (in honor of the late great efgoldman)

They traffic in fear. it is their only currency. if we are fearful, they are winning.

Women: they get shit done

Accountability, motherfuckers.

Peak wingnut was a lie.

All your base are belong to Tunch.

My years-long effort to drive family and friends away has really paid off this year.

This fight is for everything.

Let me eat cake. The rest of you could stand to lose some weight, frankly.

Reality always lies in wait for … Democrats.

Too inconsequential to be sued

What fresh hell is this?

Four legs? good! two legs? we’re not so sure…

We’ve had enough carrots to last a lifetime. break out the sticks.

Sadly, there is no cure for stupid.

I did not have this on my fuck 2020 bingo card.

Sitting here in limbo waiting for the dice to roll

I’m going back to the respite thread.

You are here: Home / Pet Blogging / Cat Blogging / A Hoax Has Been Perpetrated

A Hoax Has Been Perpetrated

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I know I like to pretend that Tunch is some mean, bossy, wild, crazy overlord, but he’s just too sweet to even pretend anymore:

And now I go in for the belly rub, and look what he does:

He was actually being so cute I broke out the Tunch Cam, which has been dormant since we took away his futon a year and a half ago. Check out this purring action:

That’s the machine gun like purring that puts me to sleep every night as he crashes right next to my pillow. I swear you can hear it from another room.

A hoax has been perpetrated. Tunch is as big a softie as his owner.

Reader Interactions

86Comments

  1. 1.

    Martin

    That’s the machine gun like purring that puts me to sleep every night as he crashes right next to my pillow.

    He’s acclimating you to the sound so that when he starts to consume your nutrient rich organs you’ll remain asleep.

  4. 4.

    Bnut

    This has the chance to be the most commented on post in Bj history. It’s like a video of Dubya throwing up a black power fist.

  6. 6.

    Violet

    I see Tunch has taken over the keyboard again. You know this kind of propaganda doesn’t work on us.

  8. 8.

    suzanne

    Oh my good Lord. That cat is just the absolute greatest.

    I don’t do this often, but…

    Squee.

  9. 9.

    Raythe

    Why do I have this crazy feeling that we’re going to find out tomorrow that John Cole has been killed and half-eaten? Tunch will be suspected, but then these pictures and videos will be introduced as evidence that the cat is innocent. INNOCENT I TELL YOU!

    Ahem.

    Know that you heard it here first.

  11. 11.

    licensed to kill time

    Tunch makes that sound like when you clothes-pinned a playing card to your bike spokes and took off peddling like mad.

    Go Tunch!

  12. 12.

    asiangrrlMN

    @Bnut: Hey, man. How the hell are you. Excuse me.

    TUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!

    @Yutsano: Thanks for letting me know, hon. I owe you big!

    ETA: I bookmarked this page!

  14. 14.

    SiubhanDuinne

    OH OH OH OH OH OH OHHHHHHHH I AM SO HAPPY!

    Thank you, John Cole. Tunch has awesome purr. And is so beautiful and, you know, “fluffy.”

    Thankyouthankyouthankyou.

    Oh, and SQUEEEEE.

  15. 15.

    Hunter Gathers

    You do know that he’s going to shit on your floor now, don’t you? If you ever point out that your male cat has been behaving lately, he will turn around and misbehave while you are sleeping, just to prove you wrong. Every time that I mention that my wife’s asshole cat Rando has started to chill out in his old age, by the next day he has shit on the kitchen floor, terrorized the other 2 cats and harassed the dog before breakfast. There are very few constants in this universe, but one of them is that all male cats are fucking demonic assholes.

  18. 18.

    handy

    Hah, related video after the first Tunch cam has Cole asking Rosie if she wants to go for a walk.

  20. 20.

    Cap'n Magic

    You do realize there is a small likelihood that you have been infected with toxoplasmosis, which would explain your placid behavior twords Tunch, which will explain your eventual disembowlment at his paws. Film at 11.

  21. 21.

    NobodySpecial

    That’s the machine gun like purring that puts me to sleep every night as he crashes right next to my pillow.

    I now want to start a collection to get Cole a waterbed. Because Newton’s Third Law could be really funny in action.

  22. 22.

    Bnut

    @asiangrrlMN: Pretty decent. My sister and I are going through the last stages of permitting to open our food truck in Nashville. Also managing a cafe/coffee house in trade for marketing help and commissary space. Life is interesting. How are YOU!?

  24. 24.

    SiubhanDuinne

    By the way, you guys, we have another tiny piece of the “what does John Cole look like?” puzzle. I call your attention to the second purr video where there’s a hand SCRITCHING TUUUUUNCHIE.

  25. 25.

    beabea

    Okay, that’s my new ring tone right there.

    Thank you for pics and return of Tunch Cam. I love Tunch!

  26. 26.

    Spaghetti Lee

    D’awwwww. I miss my kitties while I’m away at college, so I appreciate stuff like this.

  27. 27.

    Steeplejack

    I’m glad I stayed up late to catch this. Tunch’s purr should be looped on a white-noise machine.

  30. 30.

    Comrade Mary

    Awwwww. Thanks, John. Such an abundance of Tunchitude after a long absence is greatly appreciated.

  31. 31.

    Djur

    @Hunter Gathers: Really? In my experience, boy cats are much sweeter and calmer than girl cats. I mean, if they’re neutered, which of course they are, right?

    Also, my big gay cat was looking at the screen very carefully when I played that video. I think he’s in love. <3

  32. 32.

    Martin

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Cole sounds EXACTLY as he does in my head. WTF?

    Yeah, we didn’t have the heart to tell you, but Cole isn’t real. He’s your conscience. Naked mopping and all. Sorry.

  33. 33.

    Comrade Mary

    John has said before that he looks like Philip Seymour Hoffman, but that Rosie video suggests he sounds a little like Hoffman, too.

    That is, he doesn’t sound at all like his written voice: his spoken voice is much more mellow and less caustic, although the sweet and mellow often comes out when he writes about his critters.

    (And yes, I may have made this point before. I like John’s voice. Deal.)

  34. 34.

    Martin

    @Bnut: Cool! Good luck with the new endeavor. Every Friday at lunch my favorite truck sets up across the street from my house – Korean fusion tacos.

    Korean short rib tacos are to fucking die for.

  36. 36.

    jurassicpork

    My Popeye has his moments, especially when he jumps on my chest while I’m just laying down. But, being a Tom, he’s too macho for overt purring and you have to put your ear against him to hear it. He has a rep to protect, after all.

  38. 38.

    CaseyL

    Awwwww! Cole Critter Cinema!!

    I sure hope Rosie got her walk and that you weren’t just taunting her in that video. “Wanna go for a walk?… Wanna go outside?… Well, too bad: I want to watch football.”

    And I didn’t think our host sounded anything like what he sounds like. He’s worked so hard to come across as The Compleat Curmudgeon that I imagined his voice would be an irritated tenor. Glad to hear how wrong I was!

  42. 42.

    handy

    @Genine:

    Tunch has, shall we say, gotten a little “healthier” over the years. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  43. 43.

    Violet

    @Genine: Those are great pictures. Whatever happened to Oliver?

    And John’s comment in that thread:

    John Cole – May 16, 2003 | 10:40 pm · Link
    __
    I just love all animals. Cats, dogs, cows, horses, etc. I would have a recue greyhound and a Jack Russell terrier right now if my apt. was not so small. Next year, maybe.

    LOL. Took a few years, but John got part of that wish with Rosie.

  44. 44.

    suzanne

    I was reflecting today how different Luna (pit bull/lab mix) is from a year ago when she was a puppy. Much stronger, much clumsier, but calmer. No longer gets freaked out and licks my ears when my husband and I enjoy some, uh, quality time.

    Pets are wonderful.

    If Tunch needs a home, I have a kitten he could ear. She’s obnoxious.

  45. 45.

    Mnemosyne

    I am now being herded off to bed by Keaton. He is literally getting under my legs and trying to push me into the bedroom where G. is.

    I didn’t think there was such a thing as a Maine Coon/Border Collie mix, but I guess I was wrong.

  51. 51.

    Jebediah

    @Comrade Mary:
    It’s strange how images form in our heads… when I picture Cole, I see sort of a cross between a younger, non-substance-damaged Hunter S Thompson and Jeff Tweedy. As for voice, I hear Billy Bragg without the accent. Gotta go listen to the other video and see how off I was…

    ETA: Voice-wise, I was pretty far off….

  52. 52.

    Jebediah

    As for falling asleep to the purring, my wife and I listen to our old Otto’s heavy sleep breathing. Loud as fuck, but after all these years with him we both find it very soothing and comforting.

  54. 54.

    Yutsano

    @Bnut:

    Wait till you taste my tomato basil soup with a grilled skewer of sourdough garlic brie.

    You deliver cross-country right? :)

  56. 56.

    Short Bus Bully

    Tunch pics AND video? What did we ever do to deserve such blessings from our bloglord? Truly a memorable tuesday!

  57. 57.

    PeakVT

    I think the hoax is that this post isn’t about a Republican presidential candidate (or non-candidate, as the case may be).

  58. 58.

    Ann Marie

    I love seeing pictures and video of Tunch (and the girls too, of course). My Mac does the same thing — gets right up within a couple of inches of my face, on the pillow, and purrs loudly. He also snores, but the purring is sweeter!

  59. 59.

    Yutsano

    @asiangrrlMN: Old college friend on Book of Faces. He made me feel old. His youngest brother is in college now, and when I last saw him he was a kid!

    (The youngest brother is openly gay too. If he looks anything like his older brother WOOF!!)

  62. 62.

    Jebediah

    @asiangrrlMN:
    That must have been before I showed up, so I was left to my own devices to form a mental picture. At first I thought he must look like the guy on the Brawny paper towels, and sound like Major Monogram, but then I didn’t.

  64. 64.

    ruemara

    Kagebasho has decided he belongs on the bed, so I get the loudest purring ever at 1 am, because he wants to sit on my head. Or my chest. or tummy. Then at 4am it’s run over the human time. Maybe I should take him and we can have dueling purr offs.

  67. 67.

    Mino

    Honestly, those are some of the best photos you’ve posted of Tunch. And on his side, he’s even proportional, heh, heh.

  68. 68.

    Jebediah

    @asiangrrlMN:
    Thanks – Major Monogram works for the secret, all-animal-agent spy agency on “Phineas and Ferb,” a cartoon that I love despite it being on the Disney channel.
    And I love it even when I am sober, so there’s that.

  70. 70.

    WereBear

    Had to come by and say TUUUUNCHIE!

    RJ is our massive purrer; he gets between us and trills while taking turns kneading our backs. It’s worth turning over.

  71. 71.

    Darkrose

    *bows before the All-Seeing, All-Knowing, Truly Adorable Feline Overlord*

    I’m sitting here with Alistair trying to climb up on my rack. He doesn’t get that he’s no longer the kitten I could hold in one hand, and while my boobshelf is substantial, it’s not big enough to hold him anymore. So instead, he has to curl up next to me and do upside-down kitty head. And purr. Loudly.

    “See? I’m cute! I’m so cute that you won’t kill me when I bang incessantly on the closet door at 7 am!”

  72. 72.

    YellowJournalism

    TUNCH!

    And if we’re comparing Cole to Major Monogram, then I directed my fellow Ferbheads to the episode where the boys made a machine that split things into the two basic elements of what they are. Monogram got split into himself and a singing, blonde-haired diva version, who may in fact resemble our dear John Cole.

    (I’m such a geek.)

  74. 74.

    A Humble Lurker

    Awwwwwww. I love when cats do that thing where they pull up their forepaws and almost close their eyes. That is major cute.

  76. 76.

    gaz

    i like the related utubez vid where tunch is cleaning himself to bootsy collins (well IIRC it’s bootsy) but it’s certainly tunch.

    Does it bother anyone other than me that tunch cannot properly reach most of himself in order to groom?

    It’s funny and cute. But vaguely sad.

  78. 78.

    Svensker

    Tunch is a nice kittie.

    I mostly just stopped in to see if asiangrrrl lived through this post or straight died and went to heaven. :)

  80. 80.

    IrishGirl

    No, no you’re just being lulled into false sense of safety. My cats do it too but I never let my guard down. They’re crafty little buggers.

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