Ask and ye shall receive!
The Angry Black Parents are jamming to zydeco music in Long Beach while I am getting ready to go to a good friend’s wedding. I had a clothing crisis earlier — NOTHING FITS!! — and called up my friend who, anticipating my clothing crisis, had dresses in various sizes all picked out for me to try on. Went over to her house and had a chat with the bride: “Are you excited?” Her response: “Meh. I just want it over with.” I guess that’s what happens when you’ve already been living in sin with your husband-to-be for six years and are knocked up with his spawn.
The three of us then chatted about the marvel that is spanx. (My one friend is wearing a “spanx scuba suit” as she eloquently put it.)
Being a lady is a blast, innit? Do men have stuff that they do when they get their fancy on? Like special underroos that keeps your junk in place? Sock garters? I don’t know.
Anyway, time to go paint my face.
Have a good evening, y’all.
Linda Featheringill
Have a good time, ABL. Weddings are such fun.
Nate Dogg is a cutie!
And in order to find out what men do when they “get their fancy on,”:
1. Find a fancy dude and take him someplace where it’s private but there is light enough to see.
2. Unwrap the package, starting with the [real] bow tie.
3. Carefully save all the little pins and clips, etc. He’ll want them later.
4. Explore.
5. Do not come back and report. It is a secret.
Have fun!
BethanyAnne
A Softer World mentioned The Fountainhead a little while back. As always, note the rollover text. :)
Redshift
Nope, not really; it doesn’t provoke much comment if men look fat, even in formalwear. Sock garters disappeared once elastic got good enough that socks actually stayed up without them.
The closest thing to that I experienced was when my dad took me to the old man suit store to get my first suit, and the tailor asked me which side I dress on. I had no idea what he was talking about. (I had never worn boxers.)
It’s easier in many ways, but on the other hand, for most dress-up occasions we have the choice of wearing blue or charcoal gray, and very few styles to choose from.
abo gato
You crack me the fuck up, ABL. Have a fun time with your friends tonight!
BethanyAnne
Oh, and John, the next time you are cornered by manic progressives, don’t forget about http://whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com/
:)
Bethany
Poopyman
I wore the special underoos that kept my junk in place when I used to play softball and soccer (not at the same time). Definitely not while getting my fancy on. That’s quite different. I recommend following Linda’s advise to find out what that is.
Poopyman
And to add to what Redshift said, remember that we’re just there as background to the fabulousness that our dates are. We are definitely not going to compete for attention.
Spiffy McBang
If a guy needs something to put his junk in place, he’s not going to bother with it because he’ll be the guy trying to grind on all the drunk bridesmaids.
The extent of a guy’s prep is essentially the time/money he’s willing to put into getting a suit that complements his frame best. It’s not nothing, but once you have it done you don’t have to do shit the day of, which rules. (If you are doing it the day of, you are definitely stressing the fuck out, but you can’t blame societal mores or anything for it. You just fucked up.)
J.W. Hamner
I’m not a violent man, but if Ruth Reichl tweeted in my presence I would punch her in the face. Thank god for @RuthBourdain. For serious.
Martin
Well, I’m not in need of a Manzier yet, thankfully, and the 10# lost in the last 2 weeks is trending me in the right direction on that. No girdle for me either… yet.
I often switch from boxers to briefs when putting on the big suit. Boxers work well in jeans which holds everything in place, but the suit lets everything fly around and in boxers too often I forget that everything isn’t in order and sit on a veggie and squeal like a girl and the evening just goes downhill from there.
Mostly it’s just the jewelry to deal with. Proper shirts don’t have built-in collar stays, so I need to dig those guys out and then I need to decide if the tie needs to be held in place, or cufflinks, etc. It’s nothing different than what the wife goes through, but she does much of her stuff up daily where I trot it out twice a year and forget all of what needs to be done.
demkat620
I kind of don’t get the point of Spanx. I know I could probably use a scuba suit of it myself but the thing is, I look at those things and the only thing that goes through my mind is that Anne Marie Johnson scene from I’m gonna get you sucka!
You wear it to attract a guy you want to take if off for.
harlana
Nate Dogg has curlicious paw-paws
Luci
ABL… you crack me the fuck up too! The part about the Angry Black parents and Zydeco music was brilliant. I wish I could think that stuff up. Have a great time at the wedding. I used to think they were boring, but then I got old enough that now I go to more funerals than weddings, and I wish I were back on the wedding circuit again. I hope everyone is having a great weekend! :)
RedKitten
Yep, Spanx are definitely a godsend. But nothing is better than that incredible feeling you get when you get home, kick off the heels, peel off the Spanx, and take off the bra. Add your fuzzy pink robe and some chips and dip, and it’s the perfect end to the evening.
beergoggles
Yes, Nasty Pig makes an excellent line of well fitting jocks:
http://store.nastypig.com/underwear-men-nasty-pig.aspx
And other accessories..
Felanius Kootea (formerly Salt and freshly ground black people)
@demkat620
And then others have found it’s a good alternative to gastric bypass surgery – they simply cannot eat anything larger than a six month old’s portion size while wearing spanx.
I tried them once, found I couldn’t breathe and took them off. I decided that I like my big belly just the way it is.
Spaghetti Lee
I normally just find my least-stained tank top and shoo all the beetles out of my hair.
Frankensteinbeck
Fanciness preparations? Yes, and no. For shape, men are viewed as being unable to do anything about it in a short term sense. Fitted shirts can be a wonderful thing, though, if you have a big neck and don’t want to look like a traveling circus tent.
Truthfully, men are not expected to dress up much in our society, and our selection of clothing is limited. Now, I love me an embroidered waistcoat and pocket watch and wingtips, but even those simple touches put a man well outside the expected range of ‘do you or don’t you look good in a suit’.
BJ
Maybe its a gay thing, but I have special underoos for special occasions. Also they make Spanx for men too, and its really really uncomfortable.
BO_Bill
Those shoelaces are too big to be practicable.
j
Rent a tux.
That’s it.
(Maybe hook up with a bridesmaid or one of the bride’s g-friends or relatives after the reception more often than not.)
OzarkHillbilly
I wouldn’t know, I go commando. (Hey, I’m clean….)(it ain’t hard)
ABL
this cracks me up!
@RedKitten- taking off my bra is the best part of my day.
ABL
brownchickenbrowncow!
OzarkHillbilly
ABL, my big (older) sis used to say the same thing. (and yeah, she was big)
andrewsomething
I’m so sad for all these folks getting married! If only they had been a week earlier, their marriages might have meant something. Now, they might as well be marrying Nate Dogg. The sanctity of the institution is gone!!!
Martin
Well, this weekend’s project is to lay the granite pavers my wife scrounged for free, so I’m removing what must be close to 5% of the dirt in my yard (and about 5% of my bodyweight in sweat). My soundtrack for this project (in perpetuity, given how I attach music to things) is a wide variety of traditional folksongs featuring the bouzouki thanks to the Greek festival taking place half a block from my house. Since I lived in a Greek neighborhood for a while as a kid, I know some of these tunes and can hum along, much to the surprise of my wife.
eemom
@ ABL
@ RedKitten
Just returned from a trip to the mall with my 16 year old. We spent at least an hour and a half in the unmentionables dept. The infinite varieties of bras available these days is mind-numbing. Push up, minimizing, back-smoothing, strap sliding, disappearing…..
As my daughter said, your boobs can be whoever they want to be.
Now. Which of y’all gentlemen knows what a breast petal is?
TOP123
Brooks Brothers french back or tie back boxers. No elastic.
Much of what Brooks Brothers does isn’t what it used to be. These are still worth it, however.
Martin
I do! I worked in a department store while putting myself through college and had to cover that department now and then. I tried hard, but do not think I helped sales…
My wife is very thankful for the expanding variety, as she always had trouble finding comfortable bras (mainly because I think she’s very discomfort intolerant). Daughter has a few years to go. She does not like dealing with girly stuff. We’ll see if that changes.
Yutsano
OOH! OOH! I know!
(but I’ll disqualify myself on account of being of teh ghey persuasion.)
John Cole
Oddly enough, I find taking the bra off women to be close to the highlight of the night, too.
Just home to walk the dogs and change out of my pants into shorts and a drinking shirt. BEHAVE BITCHES.
RedKitten
Isn’t it, though? Replacing underwire bra and high heels with bralessness and fuzzy slippers is comfort akin to slipping into a warm bath after having been outside in the cold and damp for several hours. You just feel so much more human afterwards.
RedKitten
@John: you actually have shirts that you designate as “drinking shirts”?
What am I thinking? Of course you do.
Yutsano
You know better. :)
Think Jimmy Buffett style Hawai’ian shirts. Or Big Lebowski style bowling shirts. Stuff that screams slightly tacky and I don’t give a shit if it stains or not.
Roger Moore
Men’s formal attire is designed to flatter our body shape without forcing it into something other than what it is. The whole point behind suit lapels is that they make your shoulders look bigger and your waist look smaller with nothing more than some shoulder pads. The only other tricks I can think of are shirt starch- yes, a well starched shirt really does look better than an unstarched one- and tie tacks.
eemom
With Mom and Dad both off to wedding festivities for the evening?? Tee hee. Not effing likely.
OzarkHillbilly
funny story, went to visit my big sis. She was working in the garden when we arrived. My 2 yr old son was standing in front of her and looked up…. she was not wearing a bra, only a t-shirt. He grabbed the leading edge of her shirt, lifted it, than dropped it and looked at my sis…
“Boobs.” she said.
He lifted her shirt again, looked again, and said, “BIG boobs!” (with much awe in his voice) My sis could not stop laughing.
I am still laughing.
eemom
I will admit I think it kind of sucks when men have to wear suits and ties when it’s hot as a motherfucker out. I always feel so sorry for them here in the steamy deecee summer.
Yep, even childbirth is better than that.
Pangloss
Is Long Beach now a fashionable neighborhood? I left LA in the mid-80s; I never would have guessed LB would become palatable for young professionals. Because of transit?
Yutsano
I dunno, but a friend sold his house there for $627K about three years ago right before the real big real estate crash. And his house was tiny.
Valdivia
I lurve men in fancy wear. Not tuxes necessarily but a nice suit with a nice shirt, cuff-links and a tie. yum yum yum.
Spanx is definitely a godsend for certain kinds of dresses. Read those that are so glove like you either wear nothing or wear spanx ’cause there is nothing worse than lines–yes, thongs do leave lines ladies—on a nice tight dress.
Just my two cents after criticizing crocks with socks earlier today.
Poopyman
@JC:
A reminder that there actually are advantages to living in Appalachia.
Phyllis
@32 John Cole:
You didn’t take your change of clothes with you so you could change in the bathroom at the reception hall? Must have been one of those highfalutin’ redneck weddings.
Yutsano
Dress blues. Except at a wedding, they get to do dress whites. HAWT!!
(I’m biased, but you get the picture. :)
Valdivia
@45 Yutsano–
I get ya! I dated an Israeli pilot in my youth (loooong story) just ironing his uniform was worth it cause I got to tear off later :)
Yutsano
I gots time. And I done seen some of the permanent members of the IDF. You got taste woman!
Roger Moore
@Pangloss:
LB is big enough that it doesn’t all fit into the same category. There are some nice parts, some nasty parts, and some parts inbetween. I can easily imagine people going to fancy stuff in the area with the Convention Center, Aquarium of the Pacific, etc- which happens to be right by the Blue Line terminal.
Valdivia
Ha! You know of all the men in my repertoire (is that an obnoxious word for it?) the israelis were certainly the hottest looking. And the pilot was at the top of that list.
But to get the story you’ll have to come to DC and I will provide the bottle of wine and tell you the whole adevnture/story.
Yutsano
I have been slowly plotting my invasion of 1111 Constitution Ave for awhile now. I’ll keep you posted if that comes to fruition.
(or I go to a training there, which is much more likely.)
Valdivia
Oh can I play along too?
Srsly though–do send up a flare when you’re in town cause not only do I have stories (and wine!) but it would be lovely to meet up.
Yutsano
Agreed. And I’d love to pop back that way if for only one reason: last time I was there I didn’t get enough time in the Smithsonian. TRAGEDIA!!
Valdivia
@ Yutsano
that is a tragedy! So much to see there.
eemom
@ Yutsano & Valdivia
can I come too? Would love to meet y’all.
Also there are some other locals amongst the ranks.
Hell, we could even rent a truck, drive out to WV, and crash Cole’s place. He’d be hiding under the bed cuz he hates
all us commentersmeet-ups, but at least we could play with Tunch and the doggies.Yutsano
Hell I’ll have to check my curmudgeon quota before that happens. It fills up fast. Tax cheaters are so cranky when they get caught. Hoocodanode?
Valdivia
@ eemom
hey if we have other locals what are we waiting for to have a get together? I mean we can just do it again when Yutsano is in town :D
Though the pilot story waits for him….
MikeJ
We’ve got another meetup planned first, rightcheer in Seattle when SoBeale shows up.
Yutsano
Yesh. And she and her hubby will be guaranteed a great time. If the weather decides to remember it’s summer any time soon.
RedKitten
I’m wondering how long it’ll be before we get Drunken Cole Blogposts. Those are always entertaining.
Valdivia
I haz a confused. Can we have two meetups? West Coast and East Coast?
@RedKitten–I am pretty sure it will be soon.
phoebesmother
Gee, I wish I was IN where the IN CROWD goes.
Been a frantic week at the ol’ BJ ranch. Mucho entertainment and some interminable trolls.
I’m still melancholy from last night’s NY victory in the war, remembering all the fine friends I lost in the 1980s who didn’t live to see last night. Sis, I’m thinking of Thierry.
Yutsano
That’s a different war, and that fight ain’t over. But an accidental discovery in a German bone marrow transplant patient may have just shown the way to the key to unlock that mystery. I’m just grateful the man is willing to have himself examined to see what the secret is. It will literally change the world when they figure that out.
Origuy
I haven’t had occasion to wear a suit in several years, and I’m sure mine doesn’t fit anymore. I guess I should have one handy for certain situations.
These days, when I get dressed up, it’s in a kilt. Sometimes I wear dark briefs under those. Never boxers.
stuckinred
Just back from Athfest and, yes, The Chickasaw Mudpuppies and Guadalcanal Diary still rock and the dogs had a good time!
Valdivia
My comments are not showing up on chrome. Any tips?
stuckinred
Valdivia
Firefox
Valdivia
thanks stuckinred
I figured it was adding the website to the comment info. hmmm.
don’t know how to fix that.
stuckinred
Valdivia
Me neither, that was my best fix till someone smarter comes along, shouldn’t be long cept, as usual, I hit a dead thread.
Valdivia
i don’t even have it on my computer anymore but will download
thanks!
stuckinred
Valdivia
Wow, great! I like it for most stuff.
eemom
@ Valdivia
course we can! Lemme know when you’d be up for one and we’ll make it happen.
I lead an exceedingly domesticated life here in the NoVA ‘burbs so I’m pretty much up for anything anytime, subject to kids/dogs/husband and work schedules.
handy
I grew up in Long Beach and my parents still live there, so I drop in at times. I have yet to discover anything remotely fashionable in or around it.
ABL
I know exactly jack and squat about Long Beach. I live in West Hollywood, but Long Beach is where the zydeco festival is, and that’s why they rolled in to town.
Left the wedding early to let them in the house. I put them to bed. Am either gonna take off my bra, or go back out for make party time.
decisions, decisions.
Yutsano
This explains much.
This is an either/or proposition?
PS: your face is already painted, so that detail is managed.
ABL
good point. My Shosul Lyfe: I’m Doin It Rong