The Secret Blogger’s Birthday Ball

Well, kiddies, I’ve always tried to give you the unvarnished truth, and now I have to say that I cannot go along with the lies any more, despite the handsome retainer that John Cole pays me each month to maintain his massive deceptions.

I suspect that some of you may even have managed to read between the lines and discern the truth behind today’s posts by the lovely Mr Levenson and the even lovelier Ms ABL where they pretended that they weren’t aware of John’s birthday.

I don’t blame them for being so unconvincing. It’s hard to maintain a tissue of lies for so long.

I imagine it’s particularly difficult for John. After all, he spends so much time running down to that little house with the odd color scheme – posing Tunch and the dogs in the window and scattering around the pasta that his head chef made that morning, just so he can take photos of them all for his little blog – that I wonder he has time to enjoy the 42 room mansion he and his poor wife actually live in.

As such, it’s time for all of us to come clean about this evening.

The reality is that John has taken some of the millions he has made from running Ann Coulter promotions and those disturbing Pamela Anderson boob ads from last year, and has flown most of the US blogging community to West Virginia for his birthday bash.

And let me tell you, it’s going off.

I’m on some particularly good dutch e that DougJ smuggled back from Amsterdam in one of his very secret orifices. It’s finally kicking in after I managed to escape from Kay who bailed me up in the butler’s pantry and would not shut up about how she took all that money you nice people raised for her to go to Netroots Nation and blew the whole lot on a Louis Vuitton handbag.

Thankfully Anne Laurie managed to put her evening book chat on automatic schedule before she got too tanked on the 1982 Pol Roger. Mind you, Mistermix tried to give her a glass of the 1983 and she pegged it at his head, so she’s still sober enough to know the good stuff from the crap we let the servants steal.

ABL is up on the roof of the pool house for some reason, and none of us have been able to convince her to come down. However, she has both Lily and a bottle of John’s 50 year old Laphroaig for company, so she doesn’t seem too unhappy.

Dan Savage and his girlfriend are currently doing a very convincing imitation of FDR and Eleanor – I’ll leave it up to you to guess which one is which – after which Mr Levenson has promised us that he’s going to tell a very rude story involving Isaac Newtown and a watch with a dildo in it.

DougJ, Denis and Tim slipped David Brooks a Mickey Finn and when I last saw them they were taking him down to the summer house by the lake. They were each carrying baseball bats, so I hope that sweet Mr Brooks hasn’t been the victim of a revolutionary outrage.

No one has seen Andrew Sullivan since Ross Douthat arrived and there are suspicious cries of passion coming from the master bedroom. After all, Ross does have that sexy beard – but that may just be my filthy mind working overtime.

Rosie also seems to have disappeared, but I’m sure the fact that Jonah Goldberg has passed out in the bathtub in the third bathroom and that there are muffled squeaks coming from under him is just a coincidence.

John and Jane Hamsher are in the kitchen and while I wasn’t able to listen in from behind the refrigerator for too long, I’m sure all Jane’s talk about setting fire to the pool house was just in fun.

Finally, I’m sure you will all be pleased to know that Tunch is well. He’s ensconced in his bedroom and everyone is taking him regular offerings of whole barbecued lambs. After all we wouldn’t want him getting annoyed or half the bloggers in America might get eaten, and then how would you all know what to think?

Anyhow, my dears, that’s the real and unvarnished truth.

If you’ll excuse me, I’m off to piss on Jonah Goldberg’s head again before he wakes up.

I’ll leave you with this highly inappropriate video after the jump. NSFW if your work doesn’t like male gogo dancers in their underwear and phallic innuendo. I don’t like the song much, but I find the rotating buttocks oddly soothing, and it will help you visualize what the first half of the party has been like.

Oh, and Happy Birthday, Mr Cole!

Cheers! This is your Open Thread.

[Cross posted at Sarah, Proud and Tall, just in case this gets deleted.]

60 replies
  1. 1
    Tom Levenson says:

    Win.

    Win, win, win, win.

    Though I find the thought of actually being at any party at which I might be unfortunate enough to overhear Jonah Goldberg’s sexy talk (barks? whimpers?) more horrifying than there are thesauri to express.

  2. 2
    hamletta says:

    Miss Sarah, thank you. Please talk ABL down from the roof. She could break her neck!

  3. 3
    Corner Stone says:

    SP&T. What do you really mean?

  4. 4
    Joseph Nobles says:

    Blessed are the peacemakers.

  5. 5
    slag says:

    At this point, I’d be willing to pitch in for a JC birthday gift. The dude doesn’t deserve such aggravation on his special day. What shall we get him? A Wisconsin recall or something pretty?

  6. 6

    @ the gorgeous Mr Levenson:

    While I have you here, dear, I just wanted to say I’ve enjoyed the first half of Newton and the Counterfeiter very much, although I have been distracted by the “new” Mervyn Peake over the last couple of days.

  7. 7
    Gozer says:

    ABL is up on the roof of the pool house for some reason, and none of us have been able to convince her to come down.

    Oh dear…did you spike the punch with LSD again?

  8. 8
    Trurl says:

    Defense Secretary Robert Gates is unlikely to certify repeal of “don’t ask, don’t tell” before leaving office next week, senior defense and military officials said. … Gay rights groups have for weeks been pushing for Gates to wrap up the process, concerned that his replacement, CIA director Leon Panetta, might wait several more months before moving forward. Now, with Gates’ retirement just days away, that’s becoming less realistic.

    http://www.stripes.com/news/of.....e-1.147159

    Suckers.

  9. 9

    @ hamletta:

    Please talk ABL down from the roof. She could break her neck!

    I’m sure she will be fine dear. She’s a big girl and she can look after herself. Besides, I saw that sexy Ezra Klein going up there with two glasses and a bottle of Macallan, so I wouldn’t be too worried.

  10. 10
    shortstop says:

    And all that good ice cream is melting, unless K-Lo has arrived after the Cana class for which she’s a teaching aide.

  11. 11
    Bill in Portland Maine says:

    Happy Birthday, John!

    …and many blessings on your camels.

  12. 12
    Comrade Mary says:

    I think I used to skip rope to that song.

  13. 13
    Lolis says:

    Love this. SP&T needs to write a book. I want a good 300 pages of this crazy grandma.

  14. 14
    Tom Levenson says:

    @SP&T: Many thanks for the kind words about Newton! He had his moments, did he not? (As did that scoundrel and unfortunate Mr. Chaloner).

    Enjoy your Peake experience as well — you remind me that it has been roughly the number of years that John Cole has been alive since I read me some Gormenghast.

  15. 15
    MAJeff says:

    OK, looking at the video…what that Woostah queen Cazwell doing with a Yankees cap?

  16. 16

    @ Cornerstone:

    Would I lie to you, you sexy old beast?

  17. 17

    @ Trurl:

    Suckers.

    Now, now, dear. There’s no call for that kind of language just because the gays like the cock.

  18. 18
    Mark S. says:

    [Cross posted at Sarah, Proud and Tall, just in case this gets deleted.]

    Nicely played.

    In other news, Sarah just can’t quit quitting.

  19. 19
    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason says:

    I knew it! I just knew it!! All that hogwash and blowing smoke about the top 1% garnering all the rise in productivity from the last 30 years while the rest of us schmucks worked harder and harder for less and less …

    It’s a blogger conspiracy! Of course!

    So who is it that’s telling us that Goldman Sachs is making out like bandits? The bloggers!! Do we ever hear the real story from the folks at G-S? Hell no, they’re just schmucks like us, grinding it out for peanuts, without the bloggers’ high-speed internet to get the word out.

    Thanks, SPaT for the eye-opener.

    Sadly, I will never know the pleasure of 50-year old scotch, I must make do with Evan Williams. But, ’twill do, ’twill do.

    BSoSR + … 4? 5? somewhere in there.

  20. 20
  21. 21

    @ Tom Levenson:

    Gormenghast

    The first two are well worth a revisit, if only for the joy of reading someone who likes a complicated sentence structure even more than me.

    I never warmed to “Titus Alone” and the new book (reconstructed (if we are being charitable) or entirely made up (if we are not) by his wife) is odd and even more distancing. YMMV.

  22. 22
    Comrade Kevin says:

    Where are Mickey Kaus and his “pet” goat?

  23. 23
    Timothy Trollenschlongen (formerly Tim, Interrupted) says:

    SP&T: Now THIS was an awesome story. Thank you for the chuckles.

    I have one request: Please DO encourage Ms. Hamsher to go ahead and torch the pool house. AFTER you get Lily down first of course.

  24. 24

    @ Cornerstone:

    Yes.

    How can you be so cruel to me after all those nights of wrinkly, sweaty pleasure we have shared?

  25. 25
    slag says:

    I’ve got it! John’s perfect birthday gift: http://existentiallife.tumblr.com/post/6698708048 . Must have.

  26. 26
    Timothy Trollenschlongen (formerly Tim, Interrupted) says:

    Yeah, the song sucks, but there is nothing “odd” about those rotating buttocks. No, not at all.

  27. 27
    Sentient Puddle says:

    I don’t know what else to add, so I’ll just link 500 Still Frames of Joe Biden Eating a Sandwich so that we all can debate which are great and which are terrible.

  28. 28
    Comrade Kevin says:

    @slag: That is awesome.

  29. 29

    slag #25

    And what would John break first?

  30. 30
    cbear says:

    John and Jane Hamsher are in the kitchen…

    One can only hope that at some point in the evening McMegan will show up and pay lip service to Cole’s “Baldy Harper” as a special birthday treat. The man deserves some loving.

  31. 31
    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice says:

    @Linda F: Jeez, keep that thing away from him. “As he raises up the axe, [Cole] strikes out his own brains.”

  32. 32
    dopealope says:

    Catchy Tune …

  33. 33
    wmd says:

    +2 (99 apple schnapps bottle in freezer won’t empty itself).

    Evan Williams single barrel is one of the best deals out there for bourbon. Nice flavors, very smooth.

    30 year old scotch is about the oldest I’ve had. Why yes it was an Islay not Laphroig though.

  34. 34

    @ cbear:

    McMegan wasn’t invited. Everyone hates that asshole.

  35. 35
    cbear says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall

    Oh well, I suppose the job will have to fall to someone else then.
    Sully?

  36. 36
    Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason says:

    wmd @33

    Sadly, not the single barrel, just the $11.98 stuff. Still, by my admittedly poor unsophisticated tastebuds, about 2/3 the quality of Booker’s, Knob Creek, Jack Daniel’s, and Maker’s Mark for less than half the price. Much better than Beam. What’s not to like?

    BSoSR +5

    PS
    Hopefully, I’ll get the hang of the non-reply Reply thing that everyone else is doing, soon.

  37. 37
    Comrade Kevin says:

    Now here’s something out of left field: Whitey Bulger arrested in Santa Monica (!)

  38. 38

    @ cbear:

    The image of Sullivan servicing Douchehat is enough psychological trauma for one night thankyou very much

  39. 39
    Mike Kay (The Base) says:

    Comrade Kevin:

    Holy shit!

  40. 40
    Origuy says:

    Had a wee dram of 30 year old Glenfarclas the last time I was in Scotland. The blokes at the distillery were closing up and offered my friend and I a taste of what they don’t offer to everyone.
    Going to the Highlands this summer. The Laphroaig distillery will be closed for maintenance, but Islay is too hard to get to anyway. I’ll be just down the road from the Oban distillery; that will have to do.

  41. 41
    Anne Laurie says:

    Madame Sarah, thank you for this.

    Although honesty compels me to add that my wine palate really isn’t that sophisticated; at some point during a party, every good Celt is genetically compelled to start throwing things. For a party so excellent as yours, inferior wine seemed a better choice than cruel words.

  42. 42

    the one thing missing from your party, the fuck you guy.

    the dude(or lady, to be fair) who gets so plastered they can only speak, or shout, in vowels.

    they soon discover, the only word combination they can actually enunciate is “FUCK YOU!”

    armed with this, they are set to take on the world.

    from then on, until they are passed out, thrown out, or otherwise dispatched with extreme prejudice, they loudly “fuck you” every one and every thing.

    it seems a party of this order should have at least one, if not multiple fuckyou guys.

    and yes i have taken a turn as the fuck you guy, its more fun than designated driving.

  43. 43

    @ Fucen etc:

    Ta-Nehisi Coates brought Megan McArdle because he “felt sorry for her”, and she’s currently standing naked in the spa while screaming obscenities at Krugman because he suggested that some poor people might not be that way by choice.

    Does that count?

  44. 44

    @SPT its a start. the night is young. if anyone could rehab mcardle its tnc.

  45. 45
    cbear says:

    Whitey Bulger arrested in Santa Monica

    Arrested? How in the hell do you get arrested for failing to adequately moderate comment threads at FDL? Did ABL turn him in? What was the charge?

    Oh wait, it’s the wrong guy. Nevermind.

  46. 46
    Ghanima Atreides says:

    shukran jazeelyakhan Sarah.
    that was awesomesauce.

  47. 47
    burnspbesq says:

    Any truth to the rumour that Megan tried to come on to Krugman and he just laughed in her face? Before his wife beat the shit out of her?

  48. 48
    ABL says:

    This was fanfriggintastic.

    Well done!!

  49. 49
    ABL says:

    and 50 year old laphroaig?

    i’m on the roof until the bottle is gone, after which i will likely find jane and join her in setting some stuff on fire.

    whee!

  50. 50

    @ burnspbesq:

    Any truth to the rumour that Megan tried to come on to Krugman and he just laughed in her face? Before his wife beat the shit out of her?

    Pretty much true, except it was Krugman’s wife that Megan tried to pick up.

  51. 51

    @ABL:

    whee!

    And then the dancing will start!

    What say you and me go and give Ben Stein a wedgie?

    [Edited for extra wedginess.]

  52. 52
    RandyH says:

    Sarah-

    Thanks for posting the home video of John’s fabulous boy party. Which one is he anyway?

  53. 53

    Thanks for posting the home video of John’s fabulous boy party. Which one is he anyway?

    The one in the Yankees hat dancing with his shirt off.

  54. 54
    Steeplejack says:

    @Brother Shotgun of Sweet Reason:

    @&#060a href=#comment-NUMBER&#062PERSON’S NAME&#060/a&#062:

    NUMBER = actual number of the comment you want to reply to, visible when you hover over the “Link” link next to the comment.

    PERSON’S NAME = name of the commenter.

  55. 55
    Steeplejack says:

    @Origuy:

    I’ll be just down the road from the Oban distillery; that will have to do.

    Damn your eyes, sir! Oban is perfectly fine. It is not second-tier.

  56. 56
    Steeplejack says:

    @Your Name Is Too Long and Fucked Up by a Hyperlink So I Can’t Copy It:

    if anyone could rehab mcardle its tnc.

    If he got the Barry White voice. Or maybe just enough Courvoisier.

  57. 57
    Yutsano says:

    What say you and me go and give Ben Stein a wedgie?

    Not for nothing, but I did honestly have a chance to take out Ben Stein when I was a much younger lad. I was strolling on the beach in Santa Monica, and Ben and his trophy wife were bicycling in the opposite direction. Ben turned to make some comment to the trophy wife and came this close to hitting me. It was only after he passed that I realized who he was. Missed opportunities and such.

  58. 58
    asiangrrlMN says:

    Oh, Ms. Sarah. How did I miss this wonderful post earlier? It sounds like y’all had a blast, and if Jane does set any lakes on fire, makes sure MM2 is in it. Thanks!

    P.S. My breasts are still yours for the taking.

    @Steepman, you are fricking adorable with your replies.

    @Yutsy, oh, if you had only known.

  59. 59
    Ben Cisco says:

    @Steeplejack:

    If he got the Barry White voice. Or maybe just enough Courvoisier.

    Alternatively, one could go the Billy Dee Williams/Colt 45 route.

  60. 60
    Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony says:

    Colt 45. Works every time!

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