Open thread – The Convent Annual Fair and what happened there

Happy Days!

My dears, this story, being a religious story, is almost certainly not suitable for children – unless, of course, you have the sort of troublesome child who could stand, every now and then, to read a few well placed words about the wrathful vengeance of God (or Gods, depending on your preference).

The other day, I referred to an incident involving Chris Christie and Ann Coulter, but fobbed you all off in favor of cake. However, I am not one to ever renege on my promises, explicit or implied, and so I will sit down to tell you the story. I do warn you – it is a long, dark and convoluted tale which contains scenes of a most distressing nature, and which I suspect will be told with every sign of relish and conspicuous attention to detail. Some of this is very serious, but there may be the occasional bit of whimsy and a little sprinkle of mucus to lighten the mood.

That’s religion for you.

Those of you of a weak or panty-waisted nature and those who complain about any story longer than 140 characters (but I repeat myself) should get out now. Off you fuck.

If you are still with me, check the bedrooms to make sure no one has kidnapped your kiddies in the last ten minutes, pour yourself a drink and sit yourself down in your comfortable chair, and I will tell you all about the 2010 Annual Fair at the Convent of St. Fidelis of Sigmaringen in Spokane.

The Convent of St. Fidelis of Sigmaringen, as any local will tell you, usually in words of less than two syllables, is the Chapter House of the Little Brown Sisters of the Gaping Maw. The Sisters are a mendicant order and, every day, be it frostily gloaming or nice and sunny, they sally forth from the Convent into the steep, narrow, and crooked streets of Spokane. There they devote themselves to doing all kinds of good and giving works among the degraded population of this impoverished area of Washington state.

The Convent is a towering, gambrel-roofed thing, walled off from the world, a curiously joyless collection of spires and tiny windows that looks as if it has a permanent grudge. Just imagine Dick Cheney in building form and you’re pretty close. It nestles into the edge of the Spokane River, somewhere on the outskirts of town among a number of the crumbling, worm-eaten factories that litter the waterfront, factories abandoned since the joint FDA/CDC raids back in 2007-8, and only now beginning to show signs of a sluggishly revived existence.

The river is quite close to the Convent, its water lapping sleepily at the shore and at the low black reef near the edge of the river and sometimes, at night, at the bricks at the base of the Chapel wall, there beneath the Sisters’ sleeping cells.

The Annual Fair, or Annual Fête as it used to be known before Americans unanimously decided that foreign words were scary in about 2001 and we had to change it, is the Sisters’ major fundraising event, and often quite entertaining. It is always frightfully British, you see, which takes me back to my childhood (only without the emotionally-crippled mother and the twice-monthly early -morning bedroom visits from Mr Snuggles).

There’s always a Tilt-A-Whirl, often manned by a gap-toothed adonis in a torn undershirt with gold-dusted abdominals and taste for frottage. There are donkey rides and cake stalls and even a coconut shy, although I have always thought the coconut shy to be the worst thing at a fair because if you win you get a fucking coconut. The Sisters sell vegetable produce and jams and fake relics of St Fidelis that they have made, and my friend Jane Robinson always dresses up in a turban and charges $2 for Protestant Palm Readings – she just tells everyone they are going to hell. There are sack-races and egg-and-spoon races, and if you sneak around the back of the Refreshments stall, you can smoke the finest Afghanistani opium sold by dark and furtive houris who speak only the tongue of the blue-eyed fishers. $76 for two hours of transitory cosmic enlightenment is quite a good deal really.

2010 was the centenary of the foundation of the Convent of the Little Brown Sisters by Father Brigham Howard on April 30, 1910. Brigham was my great-uncle, and the black sheep of the family, sent away from Cambridge years before I was born on account of his nefarious and unspoken-of deeds. He had arrived in Spokane in 1909, a thirty-something blond-haired charmer with a contagious smile and a heavy hand with the Blood of Christ, at the head of a group of 15 stunning, curvaceous and quite fervently religious young Catholic nuns. Within a few months, Brigham had purchased land and been elected as a County Commissioner, and construction of the Convent was well underway. Brigham was very active in Spokane life, and many people came to listen to him preach and or to deliver brown paper bags to the Commissioner’s office. However, the Sisters were rarely seen. They lived as an almost entirely monastic order, spending every day in service to their god. Brigham himself, I am told, seemed to grow old very quickly after his sixtieth birthday, his body breaking down within weeks as he retreated more and more into the Convent. He was, of course, buried in the chapel.

Early one spring morning, soon after Brigham had died, all of the nuns came out of the gates of the convent. There were 24 of them by this time, Brigham having actively recruited from within the more more buxom-and-brunette section of the local population. They were all still beautiful, although among the original 15 there were some about whom it might be said that there was a hint of something sullen and almost piscine around the gills, an extra little girdle of fat around the middle, that taken together made one think of wallowing or, perhaps, of eyes peeping above the surface of a waterhole.

The Sisters each wore a simple white dress, each carried a basket, packed with vegetables and the flat-eyed, white fish they had caught in the river the evening before. Each Sister knocked on a door, at a factory or a house, introduced themselves and proffered gifts appropriate to the particular resident, as they have every morning since.

You can imagine that the Fair (yes, I’m getting back to the Fair – I told you there would be conspicuous attention to detail) is therefore quite an important part of the Spokane social calendar, and for the Centenary, the Sisters had pulled out all the stops, inviting all sorts of special guests.

Late in the day, I was walking through the Fair with Sister Bertram and Ann Coulter – Ann and I are old friends, although I do get tired of her constant whinging about how no one “gets her as parody”. What can I say? Ann is a good looking woman with a taste for the wrinklies and sometimes Grammy likes a hate-fuck. I don’t let her talk.

Sister Bertram is the Mother Superior of the convent, although she transferred here only recently from the Arkham convent. I don’t dare to tell her, but she smells a bit like a lobster. A raw lobster, of course – I wouldn’t mind if she smelled like bisque. I have always been a little suspicious of her – there is something unblinking to her eyes that I find most disconcerting.

The Fair had been a success. The Archbishop had managed to make his opening ceremony speech without calling anyone a whore, Pastor Huckabee had been dunked into the three-throws-for-10-dollars slime pit dunking machine at least fifteen times during his half an hour shift, Condoleezza Rice had broken her ankle in the greasy-pig chase, and several youngsters were copulating frantically in the shadow of the chapel after eating one of Grammy’s special strawberry and cream cakes. All that was left was the special closing event in the chapel and later, if all went well, the ceremonial stoning of the adulteresses in the parking lot of the next-door Seven Eleven.

Over to our left, the carny was enticing Chris Christie onto the Tilt-A-Whirl for “just one spin”, even though the ride was deserted and dusk had already begun to trickle into the spaces between the tents. Christie was clearly unwilling, but there was a photographer nearby and so he gingerly shoehorned himself into the tiny seat. The carny swung down the retaining bar and then, the bar not clicking into place, bodily reached into the car, lifted up an armful of Chris, popped the bar under and let all that stomach flop down again. The carny walked over to start the ride and pressed the start button, giving me a huge wink as he did. I rolled my eyes at him. As we continued on towards the chapel, I could see the light from the setting sun strike Christie each time he was whirled around, feel an odd, electrical burr in the ground below my feet, a vibration that seemed to increase slightly as the ride began to spin faster.

We were almost the last to arrive. The nuns were all seated in a semi-circle around the chancel, around the glittering black stone tablet that covered the corpse of Brigham Howard, with all the townspeople gathered behind them in their pews. Sister Bertram nodded to us and went over to stand before the grave. Pastor Huckabee and Ms Rice were seated on a row of chairs in front of the altar along with various local dignitaries. As Ann and I came in, the Pastor gestured to the seat next to him. I shook hands with him and murmured some pleasantry as I sat.

Sister Bertram voiced, at length, her thanks to everyone for the successful day. She was scrabbling in the pocket at the front of her dress, and as she spoke she drew out a little black statue, no bigger than her hand. It was human in shape, but where it glittered in the red sunlight streaming through the barred windows of the chapel we could all see the curve of its long head, the rubberiness of the knots of thick, ropy stuff that curved out from its jaw. The thought that it looked like a Cher action-figure rushed into my head, but I quickly dispelled it.

I had seen the like of the statue only once before – in Egypt during the war, clutched in Hermann Göring’s fat sweaty hand as he boarded a plane for Berlin which had I arrived far too late to stop.

Now Sister Bertram had ceased waving it in the air. She knelt and placed it on Brigham’s grave and it made a sharp metallic click as the two stones touched.

I looked at Huckabee with an expression of alarm on my face. He peered at me vaguely as I made frantic signals with my eyebrows towards a heavy gold candlestick that was sitting on the floor near his foot. I was distracted then by a high pitched cry of fear coming in to the chapel from outside, the sound dopplering each time the Governor was whisked past the door. At the same time, that electric buzz seemed to ratchet up a peg and spread to the air, making the chairs vibrate and my false teeth ache.

A young sister, her eyes now a gimlet green and staring lidlessly, her lips slack and drooling – a little like Peggy Noonan first thing in the morning – handed Sister Bertram a book. I could see it was the hideous Necronomicon of the mad Arab Obama Alhazred, the edition published in the eighteenth century by Carolus Steinberg – the one with the fold out diagrams and the pop up orgy scenes where you can twiddle a paper knob and make the devil rut harder or the eyeballs pop out of the sinners’ skulls. Sister Bertram began to read.

Then I felt something press against my leg. I looked down and, thankfully, it was the candlestick. I clasped it firmly and nodded thanks to Huckabee. For a moment I simply held my breath and waited. Eternities seemed to elapse. As Sister Bertram read, some of the members of the crowd began to stand up and call out as a nauseous fishy odour mounted over the room.

Sister Bertram slammed the book shut and cried out, “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”

While she was still wiping the spittle off her forehead, Huckabee leapt to his feet, shouting, “Hold there, you monstrous strumpet of hell”. He started to advance on Sister Bertram, but found himself swung around from behind, one arm and then the other clamped in two hellish grips. He gazed into the dead eyes of Ann Coulter and Condoleezza Rice. Both were suddenly bloated and green, their skin mottled and flaking. It was just like the paintings they both keep in their attics had been simultaneously seized and stabbed right up from top to bottom.

Huckabee spluttered at them, “What are you doing, you vile harridans?”

When they spoke, one into each of his ears, their voices were as one voice, low and dark and sultry, and echoes struck off the walls like drips of dark water.

“The dark moon Yuggoth is in alignment with the earth. In his house at R’lyeh dead Cthulhu waits dreaming. You will couple with us both, and the Old Gods will arise.”

Huckabee looked frightened then. He let out a whimper that bounced from wall to wall, mingling with the choked wails that still filtered through the chapel door from outside.

It was time for me to do something. I stepped forward, the look of fear again on my face, but with the candlestick brandished in one hand. A look of relief flashed over Huckabee’s features and he struggled and managed to break his arm away from Ann Coulter for a second. His expression didn’t have time to change to one of surprise before I whopped him on his stupid fat skull with the candlestick and he slumped to the ground, bleeding from his temple.

Good heavens dears, is that the time? I’ve been invited to a late supper with George Clooney and I do want to get there before he bogarts all the coke. Besides, you should all be in bed by now, happily procreating for when god comes with his terrible hunger.

I’ll have to finish this story later, I am afraid. Is next Saturday night good for you?

This is your open thread. Feel free to chat.

[Cross posted at Sarah, Proud and Tall.]

287 replies
  1. 1
    Jenny says:

    Romney’s muslim baiting ad turned into priceless parody

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PoU41UwL5LI

  2. 2
    Phyllis says:

    Off you fuck.

    Stealing this. ‘Cause it’s awesome.

  3. 3
    gbear says:

    TLDR. Fuck me.

  4. 4

    @gbear:

    So you don’t read any story longer than about two pages, dear? I do feel sorry for you.

    ETA: And in case you missed it the first time:

    Those of you of a weak or panty-waisted nature and those who complain about any story longer than 140 characters (but I repeat myself) should get out now. Off you fuck.

  5. 5
    Scott says:

    Thank you, Sarah. This blog has long needed a hell of a lot more Tsathoggua. And I don’t mean Tunch.

  6. 6
    eemom says:

    @Phyllis:

    Off you fuck.

    I luvs it too. Tee hee.

  7. 7
    LesGS says:

    O_o … as my kids would say. It doesn’t help (or maybe it does) that I’ve been listening to podcasts of H.P. Lovecraft with them all week. (See! Not all homeschoolers are weird religious freaks.)

    And next Saturday is fine by me!

  8. 8
    asiangrrlMN says:

    Oh, Ms. Sarah. I adore you, and this story has you back in fine form. I can’t wait until next Saturday to hear how this ends and what happens to Governor Christie. Don’t be too naughty before then! Or, if you are, make sure you get video.

  9. 9
    Mike in NC says:

    @Jenny:

    Romney wants to expand the size of the military by “at least 100,000”? Is he nuts? Well, what else to expect from “Double Gitmo” Mittens?

  10. 10
    Ked says:

    @Phyllis: “Off you fuck” may be the best thing that I’ve seen pop out of the Tubes since OBL got his.

    I have no opinion on the further story since I refuse to understand it.

  11. 11

    canucks up 1-0, i don’t know what a vancouver is, but it sounds vaguely sexual, and if they beat boston, all the better.

  12. 12
    Lurleen says:

    playing to type and boring

  13. 13
    Lurleen says:

    after Ruth Marcus, who cares?

  14. 14
    Yutsano says:

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I know what a Canuck is, though, and it kinda pains me that I’m 200 miles further away from Vancouver than normal. I think the etymology of the surname Vancouver is Dutch, but don’t quote me on that.

  15. 15
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Lurleen: You know, she’d probably give you a tumble if you ask nicely. There’s no need to stalk court her in this manner.

    @Yutsano: Hey, hon. I thought you were northern-bound?

  16. 16

    @Lurleen:

    I love that I have my very own troll, dear. It makes me feel right at home. I think I might stay.

  17. 17

    @Lurleen:

    after Ruth Marcus, who cares?

    Did this make sense in your head when you typed it?

  18. 18
    Yutsano says:

    @asiangrrlMN: Nope, ranchward bound. And I may or may not have a place to sleep tonight yet, which is even more teh awesome. But my brother works in a hotel and I may have him pull me in a favor here if that’s the case.

    And Lexie and I are mutually pissed off at each other right now. But in my defense she started it.

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: I enjoy slow-moving train wrecks as much as any human hon. But honestly this one needs more cowbell. I’m already bored.

  19. 19
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Yutsano: The hell? What did you do to Lexie?

    @Yutsano: That would be YOUR fault, not hers.

  20. 20
    Yutsano says:

    @asiangrrlMN: I stuck her in a box. But she wouldn’t go in the box. It all went downhill from there.

  21. 21

    @Yutsano:

    The best bit is that Lurlene may not yet have worked out that I can see his IP address….

  22. 22
  23. 23
    Yutsano says:

    @asiangrrlMN: It was piss her off now or pis her off later. I went with the immediate effect since the pissed off because I abandoned her is always worse. Lesser of two evils. I do not regret my decision.

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Hee. Mine just morphed. But I just explained why that is. Is this about to get even more entertaining? Popcorn can always be made. Hell I’ll even do it the old-fashioned way.

  24. 24
    Fred says:

    One of the top 5 Al Qaeda commanders was killed today in Pakistan by a US Missile.

    Why no frothing at the mouth posts by John Galt Cole saying we must stop all war everywhere now and THIS is why?! Why has nobody here posted about this with the same usual frothing and spittle demanding all wars everwhere are ended immediately forever and we turn all Nuclear silo’s into gardens.

    Why why why?

    http://abcnews.go.com/Internat.....d=13762834

  25. 25
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Yutsano: I don’t argue that. I’m just stating the fact that it’s still your fault. Then again, it’s always the human’s fault.

  26. 26

    @Yutsano:

    i would think, if you can at all make it to vancouver, should they win, it would be a hell of a celebration.

    according to a quick search, vancouver means, a few steps removed, “from cow crossings(ford)”

  27. 27
    Corner Stone says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Bullshit. I for one am more than tired of this power disparity.
    If you’re going to FP here you should be ready to take some shit and keep your pie hole fucking shut about things only you can see.
    Either blast us or ignore us. Don’t high and mighty us.

  28. 28
    BDeevDad says:

    More of this PLEASE!

    Instead of Bank of America foreclosing on some Florida homeowner, the homeowners had sheriff’s deputies foreclose on the bank.

  29. 29

    @Corner Stone:

    Honey, if “Lurlene” had made any effort to argue with me, or engage substantively, I would give a shit, but instead, she just comes in, whines once about how she hates my shit, and then doesn’t respond any further.

    I’m quite happy to have a rip-roaring argument with you, and would probably enjoy it very much, because you like to argue, you say what you think and you engage.

    Lurlene is a troll, and not even a very interesting troll.

  30. 30
    eemom says:

    I luvs you too, Mrs. Sarah. Your dexterity with the written word brings joy to my old English major heart.

    I do hope an evil destiny awaits Governor Fat Fuck in next week’s installment.

    oh, and don’t mind “Lurleen.” I think Corner Stone got bored with chasing Nicks and made himself a sock puppet of his very own.

  31. 31
    Lurleen says:

    Reading a blog and commenting negatively constitutes stalking what?

    Perhaps you have never actually had that happen to you. Perhaps you have. Either way, it’s not really something to joke about. You probably make rape jokes about prison inmates as well.

    Pretending anything after Ruth Marcus’ pretend dialog in the MSM is weak.

    But carry on and enjoy yourselves.

  32. 32
    eemom says:

    ah, there’s the little devil now.

    ETA: oh, and I see he’s in one of his “why the fuck is SHE a front pager and not me?” jealous hissy fits tonight. Sweeeeet.

  33. 33
  34. 34
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:

    The best bit is that Lurlene may not yet have worked out that I can see his IP address….

    Oooh, oooh, can you ID my personal troll, opal?

  35. 35
    Yutsano says:

    @Corner Stone:

    If you’re going to FP here you should be ready to take some shit and keep your pie hole fucking shut about things only you can see.

    And your ability to enforce this…a sternly worded e-mail to John? In case it wasn’t made clear to you, in the past several front pagers have mentioned this ability. This is not unique to her. But if your bloviation makes you feel better by all means feel free to continue.

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: Vancouver is about 120 miles north of me, or about 200 kilometers in Canuckistani. Nothing would thrill me more than to go and party if they get Lord Stanley’s tableware.

    @Just Some Fuckhead: I confess. It’s me. I got bored and your reactions were just too fun.

  36. 36
    Lurleen says:

    @eemom:
    wrong again.

  37. 37

    @Lurleen:

    No. Reading a blog, dumping shit on people’s posts and then fucking off constitutes trolling. If you don’t like what I write then say something worthwhile, not just this lame crap you pull in every one of my posts.

  38. 38
    Lurleen says:

    I am not who you all think I am.

    And that makes me very happy.

  39. 39

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    Oooh, oooh, can you ID my personal troll, opal?

    Opal is you, Fuckhead. Deal with it.

  40. 40
    Lurleen says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: I thought we were talking about stalking commenting.

    Heat kitchen, all that.

  41. 41
    Corner Stone says:

    @Yutsano: Hey Yutzy. Who put a quarter in you?

  42. 42
    Yutsano says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Waitaminute…does that mean I’m Fuckhead? And Fuckhead is me? And black is white and up is down and left is right…my brain just asploded.

  43. 43
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:

    Opal is you, Fuckhead. Deal with it.

    I had a feeling it was the work of me.

  44. 44
    Draylon Hogg says:

    @Fred

    I don’t think it takes much to be in Al Queda’s top 5. In fact, if you’re male and your corpse is still recognizable as human once the U.S. ordinance has had its wicked way with you, you’re almost guaranteed to be Al Queda’s number two in Somalia / Pakistan / Yemmen / delete as applicable.

  45. 45
    Corner Stone says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Fuckhead is many things. Opal can’t be one of them.

  46. 46
    Lurleen says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Your style is old and has already been done by a man who is now dead. I can’t believe that Cole has asked a shadow of the original to post here, but he has.

    Your posts are weak, sister.

  47. 47
    Yutsano says:

    @Draylon Hogg: This is why whack-a-mole is not a viable military strategy.

  48. 48
    Corner Stone says:

    @Yutsano: This just doesn’t sound right. Shouldn’t you have used “puppeh” or “kitteh” or “lulz” or some other handy nomenclature?

  49. 49

    @Lurleen:

    My heart bleeds. I may have to get myself another drink.

  50. 50
    eemom says:

    @Lurleen:

    lissen, do us all a favor and go wander amongst the dispossessed some more. They’re looking for a few good trolls.

  51. 51
    MikeJ says:

    @Mike in NC:

    Romney wants to expand the size of the military by “at least 100,000”?

    I would be fascinated to hear the thought behind that particular number.

    Unless it’s “it’s a big round number”. Which is what I suspect.

  52. 52
    Corner Stone says:

    @Fred: Dude, I recently refused to pay full price for my insurance.
    I’m pretty sure that makes me an AQ #6 man or so.

  53. 53
    Yutsano says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:

    I may have to get myself another drink

    As if you needed an excuse to do that.

  54. 54
    Lurleen says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: And it leads you where, SAP? Fort Lauderdale? I’m not there, sweetie.

    You just pulled a rookie mistake.

    Let’s make a deal. When you post something original, I’ll give you a break and tell you where I really am.

  55. 55
    Corner Stone says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Oh God yes. Tequila, OJ, olive juice, and a splash of lemon-lime juice over ice.
    Balls!

  56. 56
    Svensker says:

    No sense fashing yourself over any of this nonsense. I’m just happy listening to the Staple Singers singing He’s All Right, or just about anything. Yup. Uh huh. That’s it.

  57. 57

    dammit bruins solved luango.

  58. 58
    eemom says:

    yay! Fred and fuckie and Corned Beef ALL here! Now if Tiny Tim would just show up we could really have ourselves a par-tay.

  59. 59
    Corner Stone says:

    Turkish red hots ftw!

  60. 60
    Corner Stone says:

    @eemom: I would love it if Lil Timmy, I showed up.
    Of course, I’m still waiting for Lil Bob L0b. But I think ABL killed that fucker dead.
    She’s kind of a jackass thataway.

  61. 61
    gex says:

    @Yutsano: It is if your ultimate goal is to take all the quarters from the kiddies who fund the game.

  62. 62
    Lurleen says:

    @Lurleen: Make that Port Saint Lucie.

  63. 63
    Corner Stone says:

    @Yutsano: I’m going to enjoy this dog. Hope you do as well.

  64. 64
    Ghanima Atreides says:

    wow.
    lovecraft political fanfic.
    im ravished.

  65. 65
    Corner Stone says:

    @Ghanima Atreides: Hey! I was snarking some EDK BS here earlier. I kept waiting for you?

  66. 66
    Lurleen says:

    This is it for Saturday night? Some unattributed retread and drinking obfuscation of stalking commenting?

    Nice.

  67. 67
    Fred says:

    @Draylon Hogg: If so much as a firecracker goes off in Afghanistan, John Galt Cole is on here whining that all wars must end now forever and ever.

    Killing the guy responsible for Mumbai and a lot of other things is hardly something you will get away trying to discredit the importance of.

  68. 68
    eemom says:

    @Corner Stone:

    must admit I kind of regret losing Lob Bowow. Bouts of assholery aside, he did have his moments.

    ‘Sides, being a Greek and a Turk, we had that cool ancient enemy thing going for us.

  69. 69
    jayjaybear says:

    I honestly don’t understand, first of all, how anyone can get so incensed about Sarah. (I also don’t understand how anyone can’t love her posts, but that’s a matter of taste and de gustibus blah blah blah).

    Jesus Christ…if you don’t like her posts, don’t fucking read them. Coming in and sniping ineffectually at her for them is petty, small and really annoying. Stop it.

  70. 70

    i’m glad to see recchi get a goal but, i hate boston. time for yuenglinging 2 at a time.

  71. 71
    Corner Stone says:

    @eemom: He was totes hot for you. I could tell.
    Y’all had that greasy brown/not brown sweaty sex bidness going on.
    It disgusted the rest of us, but it was there nonetheless.

  72. 72
    Lurleen says:

    @jayjaybear: So if I think they are crap I should just shut up? Is that what you are saying? And if I do decide to express my opinion and am called a stalker, I am just supposed to take it?

    Is that your point?

  73. 73
    Corner Stone says:

    @jayjaybear: de gustibus?
    Me gustibus. You gustibus. We missed the bus. They missed the bus

  74. 74
    JR says:

    I don’t know if my favorite part was the new Abess from Arkham or Condi and Ann trying to get Hucky Hardee.

    Best of luck, gurls!

    And who cares about trolls at Caturday night? Moire Gin for me!

  75. 75
    stuckinred says:

    Damn, I posted to the wrong thread!

  76. 76
    Tim, Interrupted says:

    @Lurleen:

    Your style is old and has already been done by a man who is now dead. I can’t believe that Cole has asked a shadow of the original to post here, but he has.

    Lurleen, I’m curious as to whom you believe SPT is copying. Her style rings a bell but I haven’t put my finger on why.

  77. 77
    Lurleen says:

    @stuckinred: That took some effort.

  78. 78
    stuckinred says:

    It’ll probably annoy corner but what the hell. At 3:02 in Learning to Fly, a Petty video about acid, there is a quick clip of Kennedy right after he was shot. From everything I have been able to learn it was inserted randomly. It’s interesting to me because it was the first time I dropped acid and it was 43 years ago tomorrow.

  79. 79
    jayjaybear says:

    @Lurleen: My point is, if you aren’t smart enough to get the damn joke, then maybe you aren’t in a position to critique it. And if you do get it and you’re just seriously humor-impaired, you have my pity, but that pity doesn’t include not telling you to shut the fuck up about your deficiency.

  80. 80
  81. 81
    jayjaybear says:

    On the other hand, I don’t know why I’m feeding a goddamn troll…

  82. 82
    Corner Stone says:

    @stuckinred: You’re old.

  83. 83
    Lurleen says:

    @Tim, Interrupted: Swiftly it took my mind that I was an old lady in an old folks home. I’m just an antiquated voice with a young-ish style. Nothing new here, just something familiar to fill the space when Cole is sleeping.

    That’s all. And it’s a criticism that I get called a stalker for.

    Go figure.

  84. 84
    Tim, Interrupted says:

    I just read back thru the thread and saw that eesmarm was hoping I would show up. Here I is!

    Tiny Tim/Little Timmy is in the house!

    (I have heard every fucking diminutive of “Timothy” since the day I was jettisoned from my mother’s aching lady parts. It is my cherished fantasy to hunt every one who has ever used a cliche’d diminutive of my most holy name and…lick them.)

  85. 85
    Cat Lady says:

    @stuckinred:

    1973 for me, in the fall. Ended up marrying the tripmaster 4 years later, and we’re still married. True story. ;-)

  86. 86
    stuckinred says:

    @Corner Stone: I was only 18!

  87. 87
    Lurleen says:

    @Tim, Interrupted: It’s just another white person claiming victimhood. Here I am a vicious stalker commenter. I’m very threatening.

    As you can see.

  88. 88
    Gravenstone says:

    Saturday night’s alright for fightin’…

  89. 89
    Lurleen says:

    @jayjaybear: But did you get called a stalker for commenting?

  90. 90
    stuckinred says:

    @Cat Lady: Cool! I was at Ft Lewis getting ready to go. We took the bus to Seattle, copped, dropped and got back on the bus. We couldn’t hang in the barracks because it was after lights out so we took a transistor radio into the laundry room and that’s when we heard the news.

  91. 91
    stuckinred says:

    @Cat Lady: I once got married in 73 too!

  92. 92
    Tim, Interrupted says:

    @Lurleen:

    That’s all. And it’s a criticism that I get called a stalker for.

    Well, SP&T is a BFF of eesmarm, and eesmarm is a cranky, vicious, hateful and self loathing old thing who drops accusations of “TROLLING!” as often as she fills her Depends. Think nothing of it; if SP&T has taken up with that crowd there isn’t much to be done.

  93. 93
    Lurleen says:

    @Tim, Interrupted: Not by me.

  94. 94
    stuckinred says:

    @Tim, Interrupted: What’s so funny bout peace love and understanding?

  95. 95
    Lurleen says:

    @Tim, Interrupted: You know, it’s not just her, and that the accusation of stalking is serious.

    But those two and others seem to think it’s ok to throw around.

    Prison rape is funny too, right?

  96. 96
    stuckinred says:

    @Lurleen: Serious how? It’s a stupid fucking blog. Are you somehow chained to it?

  97. 97
    Lurleen says:

    @stuckinred: Have you heard Perfect Circle’s version of that? I can’t even bear to listen to it anymore without thinking of opposing the Iraq war. there are just some songs . . . .

  98. 98
    stuckinred says:

    @Lurleen: Hmm, haven’t I shall investigate.

  99. 99
    Lurleen says:

    @stuckinred: Ya think? How often do you see me post a stalking comment?

    Why are you asking me this question?

  100. 100
    Larkspur says:

    @Lurleen: Why do you care what people here call you? You are still able to post your comments. No one has threatened legal action. People are clearly acknowledging your existence. Why on earth would you care what they call you?

  101. 101
    stuckinred says:

    @Lurleen: I’ve never heard of you. Which question, “are you chained to it”? Because if it’s bumming you out why not do something out. This blog is all about peace love and understanding. good night

  102. 102
    Corner Stone says:

    Yeah. I didn’t think so.

  103. 103
    Lurleen says:

    @Larkspur: Would you like to be called a stalker commenter for just saying what you think on a blog with comments?

    Would you like for me, as an FP, to call you a stalker commenter?

  104. 104

    @Cat Lady:
    fortunately for you, there are people here old enough to remember when the bruins last won a cup.

    oh danny boy sedin 2-2

  105. 105
    Corner Stone says:

    @Lurleen: I love Tool/A Perfect Circle stuff. Which one you referring to?

  106. 106
    Ghanima Atreides says:

    @Corner Stone: EDK has descended to self parody. He is such an obvious glibertarian it isnt even funnie to snark on him anymore.
    but i will keep trying to get Cole to move the LoOG into the mock column by linking some of his more hilarious posts.

  107. 107
    stuckinred says:

    @Lurleen: And another thing. stalker would be welcome after what I get called here! OLD! sniff sniff

  108. 108
    Lurleen says:

    @stuckinred: I’m not and good night

  109. 109
    Tim, Interrupted says:

    Is stuckinred drunk?

  110. 110
    stuckinred says:

    @Corner Stone: I see they cover “What’s Goin On” too. I never heard of them but then. . .

  111. 111
    stuckinred says:

    @Tim, Interrupted: Not for 17 years, dawg.

  112. 112
    Larkspur says:

    @Lurleen:

    Would you like to be called a stalker commenter for just saying what you think on a blog with comments?

    Lurleen, I wouldn’t care.

  113. 113
    Tim, Interrupted says:

    @stuckinred:

    Good for you.

    Eleven come July 20 for me.

  114. 114
    stuckinred says:

    @Lurleen: See ya, thanks for the tip on the tunes!

  115. 115
  116. 116
    stuckinred says:

    @Tim, Interrupted: Yea but then that means I must just be stupid huh? Good for you too. The shit is a scam.

  117. 117

    @Lurleen:

    This is it for Saturday night? Some unattributed retread and drinking obfuscation of stalking commenting?

    Yep. This is it. Fun isn’t it?

  118. 118
    Lurleen says:

    @Larkspur: You would if it had been you.

    It’s meant to shut you up. You don’t know how you would react until it has been used against you. It was used against me during the worst part of the Iraq war by wingnuts. I still remember.

    I’m one of those old democrats.

  119. 119
    Corner Stone says:

    @Ghanima Atreides: That’s no excuse. You should have been there.

  120. 120

    @Tim, Interrupted:

    Lurleen, I’m curious as to whom you believe SPT is copying. Her style rings a bell but I haven’t put my finger on why.

    Lurleen is mad because she thinks I’m trying to channel Hunter S. Thompson because sometimes I talk about drugs. I don’t flatter myself that I’m even half the writer that Hunter was.

  121. 121
    Draylon Hogg says:

    @67

    Who’s going to kill the bad men who used depleted uranium, white phosphorus and Xtian mercenary firms on innocent civilians then?

  122. 122
    geg6 says:

    Mmmmmm, I loves me some Sarah P&T. Don’t quite get why the trolls are on the march for her, but she has all the right enemies, so my love for her is only increased. Fat and happy here after chopped salad, filets, sour cream and chive potatoes, orange carrots, and strawberries and chocolate frozen custard. But a good multi-part story featuring Chris Christie and Ann Coulter in compromising situations is always a nice nightcap with my Proseco.

  123. 123
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @Lurleen:

    I was used against me during the worst part of the Iraq war by wingnuts.

    I can’t even begin to imagine the horror, guilt and shame associated with whatever you were forced to do to yourself.

  124. 124
    Tim, Interrupted says:

    @stuckinred:

    but then that means I must just be stupid huh

    haha…no, just seemed some of your word configurations were…more interesting than usual. :D

  125. 125
    Lurleen says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: can’t get your block quotes right :)

    It proves you are new to this blogging thing, like I said. And you are just taking up a dead man’s style.

    Pity you.

  126. 126

    I know the story is a trifle fantastic, but I prefer to believe every word, darling. Eldritch horrors might be viewed as outre, slightly boring and “done”–but when I look at, for example, Phyllis Schafly, I am reminded that outre, slightly boring and done is the de rigueur day-walking face of the night’s grimmest terrors. I watch what Coulter herself might devolve to after strange aeons have passed with interest. An abyss looking into her might feel full of itself, eventually.

    That being said, your “shiny” has certainly aroused the internet Gollums. They always could not click your link if they preferred not to be regaled with sublime snark. But as the paper of record has it: Comment is Free. And about worth it, sometimes.

  127. 127

    @Tim, Interrupted:

    if SP&T has taken up with that crowd there isn’t much to be done.

    I’m in no one’s crowd. I like everyone, and generally refuse to take sides in the spats that go on here constantly.

    Except when Lurleen is involved. That fucker can fuck off.

  128. 128

    @Corner Stone:

    Yeah. I didn’t think so.

    Hello? is this thing on?

  129. 129
    Ghanima Atreides says:

    @Corner Stone: well im here now!
    And Behold, yet another kind of libertarian for my Unified Field Theory of Libertarianism– the Liberal Libertarian

    I am a liberal libertarian because I am deeply doubtful of top-down approaches to politics, of institutions in general, and of the ability of politics to change the world for the better.

    And Our Very Own EDK is the prototype.
    What a moron.
    I wonder if Jesse Ewiak got banned for saying EDK and his circle jerk of bloggers should all just masturbate together on chat roulette.
    ;)

  130. 130
    Lurleen says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: No, you flatter yourself.

    That’s not who I was talking about.

  131. 131
    Tim, Interrupted says:

    @Vixen Strangely:

    An abyss looking into her might feel full of itself, eventually.

    ooooh…nice. Very nice. Is that yours?

  132. 132

    overtime, i can’t take these yuenglingians on any more than two at a time, captain!

  133. 133
    Ghanima Atreides says:

    ratz. moderation.
    oh well, gimme the link CS and I’ll rage a bit before bed.
    ;)

  134. 134
    Corner Stone says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: It got there.

  135. 135
    Lurleen says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: I fixed it in edit, so who is the idiot now?

  136. 136

    @Tim, Interrupted:

    With a smidgen of help from Nietzsche, sure.

  137. 137

    @Lurleen:

    It proves you are new to this blogging thing, like I said. And you are just taking up a dead man’s style. Pity you.

    This is getting me really hot. Do you want to snuggle a bit?

  138. 138
    Corner Stone says:

    @Ghanima Atreides: I was just snarking on gex:
    http://www.balloon-juice.com/2.....nt-2618061

    EDK was so obvious as to be transparent to anyone paying attention.

  139. 139
    Ghanima Atreides says:

    @Corner Stone: did you mean this?

    I am a liberal libertarian because I am deeply doubtful

    EDK is a “liberal libertarian” now.
    my goodness, what will he think of next?
    Isnt it disturbing how many permutations of libertarian there are when they all actually mean the same thing?

  140. 140

    @Lurleen:

    That’s not who I was talking about.

    Ah, then you must mean that fine Mr Swift. He is (sadly) dead, my dear, so I imagine he won’t mind if I pretend to be someone other than who I am, just like he did.

  141. 141
    Lurleen says:

    Hello everyone! Commenting is stalking.

    Comment stalk at will.

  142. 142
    Corner Stone says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: I’m not much on the snuggle. Take the dentures out and let’s rattle some old bones til you say “Give”.

  143. 143
    Draylon Hogg says:

    @76

    It is similar to Alan Moore’s Bertie Wooster meets Lovecraft pastiche in LoEG Black Dossier where Bertie’s Aunt has the spawn of a great old one living on her estate.

  144. 144
    geg6 says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:

    Seriously? No one other than perhaps Johnny Depp could possibly be a bigger Dr. Gonzo fan than I and I just don’t see any similarities other than using alter egos and absurdities. But then I’m generally not an asshole except when it comes to religion.

  145. 145
    Lurleen says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: You figured out block quote.

    Congratulation.

  146. 146
  147. 147

    @Lurleen:

    Hello everyone! Commenting is stalking. Comment stalk at will.

    You really do have trouble letting go of things, don’t you, dear?

  148. 148
    Corner Stone says:

    @geg6:

    But then I’m generally not an asshole except when it comes to religion.

    Hmmm…hmmm.

  149. 149

    OMG. Just came from a concert a drummer friend of ours invited us to. A group he doesn’t usually play with. It was like Music From The Hearts Of Space with some guy reading passages from the Bible over it and some girl singing off-key behind him and we’re all supposed to “go with the dissonance.”

    That’s 2 hours of my life I won’t get back.

    Jesus it was grueling.

  150. 150
    Larkspur says:

    @Lurleen:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: You figured out block quote. Congratulation.

    Just the one, dear?

  151. 151

    @Corner Stone:

    Take the dentures out and let’s rattle some old bones til you say “Give”.

    You’re my kind of man, sweetness.

  152. 152
    Ghanima Atreides says:

    @Corner Stone: niiice. poor gex.
    speaking of rabid EDKfanboiz, where is fhtagen lately?

  153. 153
    Lurleen says:

    @geg6: Your posts are insults. I know people you are pretending to be. It is offensive.

    No. You are not even a glimmer to the two people who are dead.

    you insult every person’s family and friends.

    You don’t know what it is like to have a loved one in a home. You don’t care that we — us simple people — have family there.

    Go on make your jokes. Make me a stalker.

    Go on.

  154. 154
    Corner Stone says:

    @Ghanima Atreides: You mean morzer?

  155. 155
  156. 156
    Gin & Tonic says:

    That was a short overtime, eh?

  157. 157
    Lurleen says:

    I’m sure Cole loves it.

  158. 158
    Corner Stone says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: How did you know my middle name?

  159. 159

    @Draylon Hogg:

    It is similar to Alan Moore’s Bertie Wooster meets Lovecraft pastiche in LoEG Black Dossier where Bertie’s Aunt has the spawn of a great old one living on her estate.

    You’re right. I’d forgotten about that. Moore was particularly funny in the Black Dossier.

    I seem to recall that Neil Gaiman also did something similar with Lovecraft and Raymond Chandler that was also quite wonderful.

  160. 160

    @Draylon Hogg:

    Which I loved! Way better than the Kerouac bit which was both difficult to read because it was too Beat and difficult to read because of the small print. But Moore nailed the Wodehouse style there–and the Lovecraft mash-up worked with the style pretty well for yuks.

    (Says a person who is shameless after Lovecraft tribute fic anyway, and a bit of a Moore fangirl. For LoEG because Steampunk. Mostly.)

  161. 161
    Larkspur says:

    @Lurleen: Lurleen, now I am truly concerned about you. Please – back away from the keyboard. Get some sleep. Start again tomorrow. Good night.

  162. 162
    Comrade Kevin says:

    “I used to play the field, I used to be a roamer
    But the season’s turning ’round for me now,
    I finally bagged me a Homer!” – Lurleen

  163. 163
    Lurleen says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: You asserted that you knew someone based on their IP address. I pointed out that is was nonsense. You make that into a sexual reference . . . I don’t know.

  164. 164

    @Lurleen:

    Your posts are insults. I know people you are pretending to be. It is offensive. No. You are not even a glimmer to the two people who are dead.

    The helicopters are NOT laughing.

  165. 165

    @Lurleen:

    I say all sorts of stupid shit, dear, but then I move on.

    Something which does not seem to be your strong point.

  166. 166

    Not that anyone cares but Trace Adkins’ house outside Nashville burned to the ground today.

  167. 167
    Corner Stone says:

    I’m in love with Jack in the Box’s wife.
    There. I said it.

  168. 168
    Lurleen says:

    And delete is the day! And to think of you all’s uproar over ABL deletes.

    SPNT been there done that. Delete me at will.

  169. 169
    Corner Stone says:

    @Southern Beale: The one featured on HGTV?
    Because that’s a whole other story and shit.

  170. 170

    @Lurleen:

    You asserted that you knew someone based on their IP address. I pointed out that is was nonsense.

    I merely pointed out that I could tell your IP address was exactly the same as another commenter. Corner Stone rightly pointed out that this was a bit rude, so I withdrew it – you should feel free to sock puppet and troll as much as you wish.

    You don’t like me. I don’t like you.

    Can’t we just fuck now?

  171. 171
    Corner Stone says:

    @Lurleen: Hey! Bullshit! Nobody deletes like ABL deletes!
    And I’ll thank you kindly to not impugn her good deleting name here, sir or madam!

  172. 172
    Bender says:

    I thought SPT was channeling talking-point regurger and Twinkie-and-green-eye-shadow enthusiast Nancy Skinner. She also talks about drugs, well, she talks while on drugs.

  173. 173
    Lurleen says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: If you have to guess who you are mimicking, why should anyone care?

  174. 174

    @Corner Stone:

    Oh I don’t know if his house was on HGTV or not. As far as I know they had only one house.

    He was in Alaska but his kids were home. The nanny got the kids and pets out of the house but it’s a total loss.

  175. 175
    eemom says:

    is there a full moon tonight? Cuz this thread is some weird shit. Even for here.

  176. 176

    @Lurleen:

    And delete is the day! And to think of you all’s uproar over ABL deletes. SPNT been there done that. Delete me at will.

    I have not deleted, and will not ever delete, any comment (other than the virulently sexist, racist or homophobic). If your comment has been deleted, it wasn’t me who did it.

    I also checked the Trash, and you don’t have any comments in there.

    I think you should apologize.

  177. 177

    @Lurleen:

    If you have to guess who you are mimicking, why should anyone care?

    You are right. Why should anyone care who you think I am mimicking?

  178. 178
    eemom says:

    Lurleen, Lurleen, Lurleen, Lurleeeee-eeeeen
    I’m beggin of ya, please fuck off this thread…..

  179. 179
    Larkspur says:

    Full moon isn’t till June 15. Oh so glad I am on the left coast. I still have a whole evening left to enjoy, which I will probably do in a place that is elsewhere.

  180. 180

    @eemom:

    So how are you, dear?

  181. 181
    Comrade Kevin says:

    In this trailer, I get so cold and lonely,
    Lyin’ there awake at night, mutterin’ “If only
    You weren’t married so I might
    Ask you if you’d bunk with me tonight.”
    Bunk with me tonight,
    Oh, bunk with me tonight.
    I’m askin’, will you bunk with me tonight?

    – Lurleen

    Did you write that about Sarah?

  182. 182
    eemom says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:

    I think this person is crazy Sarah. Srsly crazy, not just the usual carnival clown crazy we get around here.

  183. 183
    Corner Stone says:

    @Southern Beale: He had a house/farm featured on HGTV. Something like 10 acres with a lot of cool stuff. He wanted something simple but his wife got involved and…yeah.
    Glad to hear everyone’s ok. He seemed like a decent person from the show.

  184. 184
    Lurleen says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Why not nurture your own voice? Why steal a voice? It’s very old. Look at Bender at the neck.

    I know what your place is on this blog. This is not it. I think if you just stick to videos, you will be fine.

    Political stuff, not your forte. Defending yourself by calling me a stalker is not cool. Not cool for a front pager. Not cool for a front pager to try to out a commenter. Stinks a little of every wingnut trying to lose anyone who crosses them their jobs.

    So yeah, I have dealt with people like you and that is why you can’t find out where I I am or who I work for.

    Sorry Sarah, your wingnut inquest will reveal nothing.

  185. 185
  186. 186
    eemom says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:

    I’ve been better. My mother is here for a week, it’s only the first night of her visit and she’s already driving me nuts.

    Real life Greek grannies aren’t nearly as cute as the one on that yogurt commercial.

    Wish I had a worldy-wise, polyamorous, violently senile momster like you, Mrs. Sarah.

  187. 187

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:

    see, i knew you had dentures in your who-who-dilly.

  188. 188
    Corner Stone says:

    Screw you San Diego Padres. Screw you.

  189. 189
    Corner Stone says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:

    You don’t like me. I don’t like you.
    __
    Can’t we just fuck now?

    This has worked so many times for me…just can’t count ’em any longer.

  190. 190

    @Lurleen:

    Jesus.

    Why not nurture your own voice? Why steal a voice? It’s very old. Look at Bender at the neck.

    Just because I write about drugs, pretend to be someone else and do a Lovecraft pastiche, doesn’t mean I am stealing anyone else’s voice.

    I know what your place is on this blog. This is not it. I think if you just stick to videos, you will be fine.
    Political stuff, not your forte.

    Some people seem to like my posts. I suspect I will muddle through without your approval.

    Defending yourself by calling me a stalker is not cool. Not cool for a front pager.

    I did not call you a stalker. Someone else did. I called you a troll, and I stand by that.

    Not cool for a front pager to try to out a commenter. Stinks a little of every wingnut trying to lose anyone who crosses them their jobs. So yeah, I have dealt with people like you and that is why you can’t find out where I I am or who I work for. Sorry Sarah, your wingnut inquest will reveal nothing.

    I don’t care who you are or where you work, other than hoping you are far enough across the country that I will never meet you.

  191. 191
    Lurleen says:

    You can’t find me

  192. 192

    @eemom:

    it’s only the first night of her visit and she’s already driving me nuts.

    So, a normal mother then?

  193. 193

    @Corner Stone:

    This has worked so many times for me…just can’t count ‘em any longer.

    You old tease.

  194. 194
    Lurleen says:

    Since you can’t find me. you delete me.
    p
    nice.

    I’m sure there was more of an up-roar over ABL’s post

  195. 195
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    Marco

  196. 196
    LesGS says:

    Balloon Juice is looking into the Abyss tonight.

    And the Abyss is looking back.

    And what It sees is just plain… silly.

    I love this place.

  197. 197
    Gin & Tonic says:

    Polo

  198. 198
    Comrade Kevin says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Polo?

  199. 199
    Lurleen says:

    polo

  200. 200

    @Lurleen:

    Since you can’t find me. you delete me.

    For the love all all that is holy, no one deleted any of your comments.

  201. 201
    Draylon Hogg says:

    On a lighter note someone miles up this thread mentioned What’s Goin’ On which prompts me to say that Aloe Blacc’s latest album is fucking brilliant.

  202. 202

    i’m not gonna go all lurleen about it, but i am a little hurt that sarah won’t discuss the comedic possibilities inherent in vagina dentata, and our criminally senile elders, even after said teeth have required denture replacements.

  203. 203
    Uncle Clarence Thomas says:

    @Corner Stone:
    .
    .

    EDK was so obvious as to be transparent to anyone paying attention.

    Only one sentence was possible: Give him gliberty, or give him death.
    .
    .

  204. 204
    Jewish Steel says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall:

    …of the next-door Seven Eleven.

    Grammy’s style manual forbids arabic numerals below 20?

  205. 205
    Corner Stone says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: That’s bullshit. Lurleen and I were balls deep into discussing the Easterbrook v Simmons dialectic re: sports and popular culture.
    Now, that’s nowhere to be found.

  206. 206
    PS says:

    Hey, the original post was fun. The maundering kvetching, not so much.

    SP&T, one should be charmed were thou to consent to sharing a hookah.

    (Naturally, one eschews the perpendicular pronoun.)

  207. 207
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    Stop dementing Lurleen’s comments, SP&T!

  208. 208
    Steeplejack says:

    Night shift checking in. Weekend! Yee-haw.

    Hit a few random comments as I was scrolling down here, and it looks like it has been a bumpy ride tonight. Are the helicopters laughing yet? Rhetorical question.

    Better strap on a brew or two before descending into the maelstrom. Back in a few . . .

  209. 209
    Comrade Kevin says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: I’m the one who’s doing it, actually.

  210. 210
    Corner Stone says:

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: There ain’t a godsdamned thing funny about a lady place with teeth.

  211. 211
    Gravenstone says:

    If you people force me to pie any more of you, I’m gonna go into a fucking diabetic coma.

  212. 212
    Corner Stone says:

    @Uncle Clarence Thomas: Uncle Clarence Thomas. Thank the Gods you are here to guide us.

  213. 213
    Jewish Steel says:

    @Southern Beale:

    Ugh. That sounds gruesome.

    Music From The Hearts Of Space

    I had forgotten all about that show. It made me remember MST3K did a parody “Music From Some Guys In Space.”

  214. 214
    Corner Stone says:

    @Gravenstone: Stop being a little bitch.

  215. 215
    eemom says:

    @Corner Stone:

    y’all don’t seem to mind going other places with teeth.

  216. 216
    Corner Stone says:

    @Steeplejack: Answer me Steep!

  217. 217
    kamper says:

    At the risk of self-promotion, this seems an appropriate place to post my H.P. Lovecraft parody, The Manwich Horror.

  218. 218
    eemom says:

    @Uncle Clarence Thomas:

    hey, Uncle. How about being a normal person tonight. Tell us about yourself.

  219. 219
    Corner Stone says:

    @eemom: Nope, as usual you’re wrong. I enjoy rattling the hell outta some old goat sacks. You’ll have to wait your turn.

  220. 220
    Yutsano says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Rubio.

    That is what we’re playing right? Sorry I detoured to pay attention to two border collies and a Weimareiner.

  221. 221
    Comrade Kevin says:

    I’m looking at planning a vacation, anyone know where I can catch the bus to Innsmouth?

  222. 222
    Quarks says:

    Not to interrupt all of the stalking or anything, but, what, I have to wait a full week to read the rest of this? Even Lovecraft wasn’t that cruel.

  223. 223
    Jewish Steel says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    Stop dementing Lurleen’s comments, SP&T!

    I for one am more than tired of this power disparity.

  224. 224
    Steeplejack says:

    @Corner Stone:

    Dude, what got into the water tonight? The carousel is spinning so fast I don’t know where to jump on.

    Hmm, I just checked, and it’s not a full moon.

    Steep +1½

  225. 225
    Yutsano says:

    @Steeplejack: I blame booze. Lots and lots of booze. Especially cheap stuff at that.

    EDIT: I kan haz open thread naow plz? Kthxbai!

  226. 226
    Comrade Kevin says:

    @Jewish Steel: It’s interesting the way reading can work. I did not notice the “m” instead of “l” at all.

  227. 227
    Steeplejack says:

    Hey, anyone else think Dr. Strange was an underrated Marvel book back in the day?

    “By the all-seeing eye of Agamotto! Some sights the eye perceives may be real–some dreams–and some hallucinations. And some are like this!

    This thread is sort of reminding me of that.

  228. 228
    LesGS says:

    @Yutsano: But… this is an open thread. It says so in the title.

    Maybe it’s so open that all its brains fell out..?

  229. 229
    David Brooks (not that one) is a richardhead. says:

    This is an open thread, right?

    Just been on the back deck, on the first decent day of the year, with a mysterious woman I seem to have been married to for nearly 40 years, and who just sang “When I Grow Too Old to Dream” to me over a glass of acceptable chardonnay. I grilled pork steaks and sausages from our favorite butcher, who a couple of years ago started producing bacon and sausages British-style for the Brits at Microsoft and has turned it into a thriving business – we just visited his shop in Auburn.

    The hummingbirds are going crazy, and the bees are so desperate after a miserable spring that they are stealing nectar from the feeder. Over in the hemlocks, a robin and a red-winged blackbird are singing the evening away. Later I may take the cover off the telescope.

    Life does not suck.

  230. 230
    Draylon Hogg says:

    This thread should be ashamed of itself. Over on Tom Levenson they’re having a whip round to pay for a commentor’s cat to have a bladder operation yet nobody has even offered Lurleen so much as a strip of Lithium. I can send half a box of out of date Champix. Hope this helps.

  231. 231

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    Stop dementing Lurleen’s comments, SP&T!

    Are we doing JK Rowling parodies now?

  232. 232
    Steeplejack says:

    @Draylon Hogg:

    I’ve got some (probably expired) Oxycontin I didn’t use when I broke my jaw four years ago.

  233. 233
    Jewish Steel says:

    @Comrade Kevin: For some reason I read all of Lurleen’s posts. So the “m” was not only noticeable, but fitting. I agree with eemom & Steeplejack it’s Bizarro Juice around here tonight.

  234. 234
    Draylon Hogg says:

    @227

    I preferred Cole’s comment section when he was further to the right it was like early Iron Man. All war and pinko commie symp bashing.

  235. 235

    @Draylon Hogg:

    This thread should be ashamed of itself.

    Ah yes, but Mr Brooks is here to bring us back to normality now that Lurleen’s head seems to have exploded.

  236. 236

    @Corner Stone:

    its a fine line between always funny/never funny.

  237. 237
  238. 238
    LesGS says:

    @David Brooks (not that one) is a richardhead.: No, life does not suck. But I, for one, am a little sad. And I only mention this because you mentioned hummingbirds. My (rescue) cat was killed by a car earlier this week, and while I am really missing the psychotic little terror, the hummingbirds in the neighborhood are not. I actually felt liberal-eco guilt every time I let her out of the house, because I knew chances were good she’d be soon be bringing me a hummingbird to snack on with her.

  239. 239
    Corner Stone says:

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: Fuck you. I’m going to the strip club.

  240. 240

    @Corner Stone:

    That’s bullshit. Lurleen and I were balls deep into discussing the Easterbrook v Simmons dialectic re: sports and popular culture. Now, that’s nowhere to be found.

    Oh that shit. Yeah, that bored me so I deleted it. Ooopsies.

  241. 241
    Draylon Hogg says:

    @232

    Broken jaw? Ouch.

    Now how’d you send things to one of these new fangled IP addresses I’ve been hearing about all night?

  242. 242

    @PS:

    Hey, the original post was fun. The maundering kvetching, not so much. SP&T, one should be charmed were thou to consent to sharing a hookah. (Naturally, one eschews the perpendicular pronoun.)

    You’re very kind, dear. I’ll happily share a hookah with you any day.

  243. 243
    Draylon Hogg says:

    Is that the Leslie Easterbrook / Gene Simmons dialectic?

  244. 244
    Steeplejack says:

    @Draylon Hogg:

    If you hover your mouse over the comment you’re reading, a little floaty “Reply” button should pop up. If you click that–or “mash” it, if you’re from the South–you’ll get dropped down to the comment box with a preformatted address for the message to which you want to reply.

    Is that what you were talking about?

  245. 245

    @Corner Stone:

    that’s lucite loafered ladies of the adult dance recital to you mister.

  246. 246
    asiangrrlMN says:

    In honor if this very weird thread, I offer this old standby, a different version, minus the go-go dancers (Note, Steepman, hey, I’m not trying to trick you this time).

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: And, to be clear, I did NOT call her a stalker. I crossed out the word stalk and everything. I was trying to give her romantic tips.

  247. 247
    Redshift says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Esther Friesner has done a wonderful Lovecraft meets Jane Austen, among other things.

  248. 248
    Draylon Hogg says:

    The commentor whose head exploded. That is now on a loop in my head to the tune of The Fall’s The Man Whose Head Expanded-uh. Saw an interview with MES recently and my goodness he’s a poster child for the downside of long term amphetamine use. Looked like his mandible was about to drop off. Frail as fuck, thought he was going to chew his face inside out.

  249. 249
    gex says:

    I am not +X enough for this thread.

  250. 250
    Jewish Steel says:

    @asiangrrlMN: Yes! That was me over at Rumproast. Hello back a day late, my friend! Holla!

    What a dapper chap Cat Stevens was!

  251. 251
    Steeplejack says:

    @gex:

    Self-knowledge is a very useful but rare quality.

  252. 252
    Comrade Kevin says:

    Can someone tell me how to get to Hobb’s End? Do you read Sutter Cane? I’m a big fan.

  253. 253
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Jewish Steel: YAY. I was glad to see you over there, and I’m glad you’re back to Jewish Steel. Carry on.

    ETA: I was pretty sure it was you given the name and the writing style, but you never know. You may have a doppelganger with the SAME NAME on teh webz.

    @Steeplejack: Dood. Click. the. damn. link. It’s just for you.

    @Steeplejack: This time, I am serious. It’s Cat Stevens’ version of Here Comes My Baby. There. I was trying to give you a nice surprise, and I had to spoil it because you are sooooo suspicious of me.

  254. 254
    karen marie says:

    @Svensker: Did you listen to this one?

    Totally wow.

  255. 255
    Steeplejack says:

    @asiangrrlMN:

    I saw what you tried to do the other night, missy, but it didn’t work. Hell to the no. I have those two URLs seared into my memory, and in any case my spidey sense was tingling as soon as I saw your seemingly innocuous message.

    But I bear no grudge. Here’s a new one for you.

  256. 256
    Steeplejack says:

    @asiangrrlMN:

    I clicked. I listened. I enjoyed. Every time I hear Cat Stevens’s version it makes me think (pleasantly) of The Royal Tenenbaums. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s right, you don’t do movies. My bad.

    I was referencing your attempted scam of the other night–trying to submarine me with “In Demand” while I was expecting go-go dancers. Just wanted you to know that I did happen along later, snuffling through the dead threads, but I was still wise to your tricks.

  257. 257
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Steeplejack: Mmmmmmm, that’s nice and smoooooove with a V.

    @Steeplejack: I actually saw that movie, and much to my surprise, enjoyed it.

    OK, yeah, I was being nefarious that night. I admit it.

    @Steeplejack: Tell me more. Color me intrigued.

  258. 258
    Steeplejack says:

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Heh. One of my names in real life is Smoove B. But I’ve said too much.

  259. 259
    Uncle Clarence Thomas says:

    @Corner Stone:
    .
    .

    Uncle Clarence Thomas. Thank the Gods you are here to guide us.

    Guidance sometimes requires two broad strong hands, and the ability to apply them judiciously to a naughty white backside. eemom, I’m talking to you.
    .
    .

  260. 260
    Comrade Kevin says:

    @Steeplejack: I present you with: The Smoove Boudoir.

  261. 261
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Comrade Kevin: Snicker. That’s funny, and I haven’t even clicked on any of the links yet.

  262. 262
    Steeplejack says:

    @Comrade Kevin:

    Oh, I have long been hip to the ways of the Smoove.

  263. 263
  264. 264
    Steeplejack says:

    @Steeplejack:

    But my true hero and role model from The Onion is Herbert Kornfeld, accounts receivable supervisor at Midstate Office Supply.

  265. 265
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Steeplejack: That’s Smoooooove! So, of course, I must link to this.

  266. 266
    genghisjon says:

    Luv ya SPT.Herez lookin at chew kid. kid.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....detailpage

  267. 267
    Steeplejack says:

    @asiangrrlMN:

    Nice. “There will be gravy also.”

  268. 268
    Yutsano says:

    @Steeplejack: TO shamelessly crib a line from jeffreyw: “Mmm…gravy.”

    But at least I attributed it.

  269. 269
    Steeplejack says:

    @Yutsano:

    Point taken.

    I may be outta here. I am undersupplied on booze tonight, and I have reached that stage in the Foreign Legion movies where they are propping dead guys on the battlements with rifles under their arms to misinform the A-rabs lurking in the dunes. And I have to get up relatively early tomorrow to do fraternal things with my brother, Dr. Amberjack, M.D.

    Thanks to you all for reminding me of Herbert Kornfeld from The Onion. Seriously, run down the archives (in chronological order). Hilarious stuff.

    Steep Smoove B. out.

  270. 270
    PS says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Oh, forget the hookah (what hookah?), let’s just eschew the perpendicular.

  271. 271
    karen marie says:

    @Lurleen: You seem to be doing just fine on your own.

  272. 272
    karen marie says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: She’s hoping someone will delete her comments. She’s embarrassed herself. All over her good pants.

  273. 273

    @PS:

    eschew the perpendicular

    I like a person who knows their way around a good archaism.

  274. 274

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal:

    see, i knew you had dentures in your who-who-dilly.

    I missed this the first time, but can I tell you that when I finally did read it, tea came out my nose, you bastard.

  275. 275
    Yutsano says:

    @Sarah Proud and Tall: Towelettes are good for that I hear.

    And I just shamelessly felt up an old trick. Though in my defense he let me.

  276. 276
    Draylon Hogg says:

    No Steep I mean how do I send a box of pills to an IP address? You are very kind to offer advice but I was taking the piss as IP addresses featured heavily further up this thread. I feel like a bit of a shit actually, I don’t think Lurleen is very well.

  277. 277

    @Draylon Hogg:

    I feel like a bit of a shit actually, I don’t think Lurleen is very well.

    I feel a bit the same way.

    @Lurleen:

    Lurleen – I apologize for the IP address quip. It was (as Cornerstone pointed out)) unnecessary, and I shouldn’t have said it, even though I really didn’t mean anything by it. I love the fact that people can sockpuppet and troll on here. It’s part of the fun.

    I also understand your concern with my fictional self as a parody of people in care. I have thought about this, and try very much to present Sarah in a way that is a parody of small town life, not a mockery of the very real issues faced by people in aged care.

    I can’t really respond to the idea that I’m ripping off someone’s ideas, because I have no idea who you mean. It’s certainly unintentional.

    I’d like to discuss issues substantively if we can, even if I am in the guise of a fictional character.

  278. 278
    Johnny Coelacanth says:

    @Lurleen: “Prison rape is funny too, right?” Prison rape is fuckin’ hilarious. Haven’t you ever seen Oz? People who take their pseudonyms from obscure Simpsons characters don’t get to tell me what’s funny.

    This was a great story, Sarah. Your best yet. Thanks for writing it, looking forward to the next installment.

  279. 279
    Johnny Coelacanth says:

    @Lurleen: “simple people” Bingo!

  280. 280
    harlana says:

    In recent years, I have developed a case of adult ADHD so I cannot read long posts. It’s pointless because I cannot retain information the way I used to. Although I realize aging and mental illness is part of the problem, I partially blame 8 wearing years of Bush and outrage fatigue which has eaten away a portion of my brain. Anyway, I’m not proud of it, but at the same time I can’t put the blame on Sarah!

  281. 281
    Svensker says:

    @karen marie:

    That is really good. This one is also real good and sounds to be from the same era, when Pops was doing most of the vocal leads. I loves Mavis, but Pops had a great voice and he sort of faded into the bg in later years.

  282. 282
    Svensker says:

    @Johnny Coelacanth:

    Shouldn’t you be posting in the fish thread?

  283. 283
    Joel says:

    Why is it only the troll threads that hit ~300 posts?

  284. 284
    karen marie says:

    @Svensker: Yeah, that one’s a classic. I have a CD called “Peace to the Neighborhood” from the ’90s (maybe?) where he does an even better version of it, as well as “Down in Mississippi” and “I Shall Not Be Moved.”

  285. 285
    montana says:

    @Lurleen:

    Actually, you are just pretty god-damned silly.

  286. 286
    Ecks says:

    But carry on and enjoy yourselves.

    Excellent plan.

    Keep up the good work Sarah. Nous vous adorez.

  287. 287
    Ab_Normal says:

    Is it too late to say that your Spokane is a fuck-ton more interesting than the one I live in?

Comments are closed.