Newtonian Calculus

A word of warning to those with weak stomachs: you might want to hold off on reading this morning’s Times profile of Newt Gingrich and his third wife Callista until after your breakfast has settled. I’m guessing it was meant to be a puff-piece beat sweetener, but the yuck factor of the young plastic trophy wife coupled with that disgusting old geezer just overwhelms the whole exercise. Did you know that she’s 22 years his junior and their affair started when she was still in her 20s? Trust me, if you didn’t, those facts will be burned into your brain and roiling your stomach long after today’s newspaper is lining birdcages.

Newt and Callista run a bullshit factory built on Newt’s reputation as a Republican macher, and daddy can’t write paychecks unless there’s cash in the bank, so Newt pretty much had to run for real this year, otherwise people would just point and laugh in 2016. Unfortunately for Newt’s future cash flows, his “I’m a candidate” sideshow is already the butt of Saturday Night Live skits. I doubt that Newt will even make the official David Brooks serious candidate list this time around — the best he can hope for is a few more years on the Sunday shows.

Newt’s latest sideshow gimmick is a heartfelt conversion to Catholicism, his wife’s religion, timed appropriately to coincide with his company’s release of a DVD about Pope John Paul II. By the time 2016 rolls around, Newt will probably be shilling tales of the pain of the circumcision required for him to convert to Judaism in order to marry his fourth trophy wife, all timed to pimp the release of a special two-DVD collection honoring the life of Binny Netanyahu.

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72 replies
  1. 1
    lacp says:

    Catholicism? Oh, right, that’s the Christian sect that’s all down with adultery and multiple divorces.

  2. 2
    PurpleGirl says:

    I’d really like to see the argument made by the Canon lawyers as to why he is permitted to take communion, seeing how he has two previous, still-living ex-wives. In the church that I grew up in, a person could get a civil divorce but then they couldn’t partake of the sacraments and couldn’t be married again in the church. Newton Gingrinch is a serial adulterer and I’ve know a few in my life and they never change. Callista is indeed naive if she thinks he can or has, and lets him out of her sight for a moment.

  3. 3
    bkny says:

    yikes … so she’s mid-30s and looking like she’s in her late 40s. see what banging newtie does to you….

  4. 4
    JCT says:

    After I read that article I gave up on the Times for the day. The picture on the front page of Callista channeling Cindy McCain was not a great start to the day.

    Listen to mistermix on this one, it will leave you either nauseated over the blatant cynicism and hypocrisy or just plain pissed off with all these fucking grifters that are playing around with a run for the Presidency like it was some sort of award to hang on their wall.

    Good luck with this Newt — hope you enjoy your play time.

  5. 5
    R-Jud says:

    @PurpleGirl:

    Callista is indeed naive if she thinks he can or has, and lets him out of her sight for a moment.

    Especially now that he’s running for president! All the flags and star-spangled bunting he’ll be exposed to in the coming months are sure to further inflame his patriotism.

  6. 6
    cmorenc says:

    She looks like the personification of plastic Barbie, with a hairdo that requires an entire can of hairspray every morning to keep it in place. If she straightens Newt’s shaft and he gladdens her G-spot, who am I to object? Except it is indeed repulsive to contemplate a noxious Charlatan like Newt and his plastic Barbie-wife in the White House.

    Query: Would it be a good thing for Newt to actually win the GOP nomination (because he’d likely lose by a substantial margin to Obama) or a bad thing (because of the terrifying what-if outside possibility he might win if everything goes wrong and just enough of the electorate jumps the shark into complete insanity?

  7. 7
    Uncle Glenny says:

    @PurpleGirl:

    I’d really like to see the argument made by the Canon lawyers as to why he is permitted to take communion,

    I would too. I suspect they have a very narrow focus – Newty is arguably in their corner by being down on abortions and homos.

    But if he’s getting all cat-licky I think a lot of fundigelicals wouldn’t go for him when it comes down to the wire, so I think he’s just keeping his profile and income up.

  8. 8
    JCT says:

    @R-Jud:

    All the flags and star-spangled bunting he’ll be exposed to in the coming months are sure to further inflame his patriotism.

    Great, more morning imagery no one needs. I was about to comment that I miss “real” Presidential races like Clinton vs Dole and then I remembered the impeachment nonsense / Newt and the fact that Dole shills for sildenafil and decided that maybe all of this sucked back then as well.

  9. 9
    PurpleGirl says:

    @R-Jud: Exactly.

  10. 10
    bkny says:

    oops … guess she does look her age.

    gotta love that she’s missing the ‘excitement’ of the public life. and all of those money-making ventures…

  11. 11
    alwhite says:

    @PurpleGirl:
    In order to marry his 3rd wife my father-in-law needed to have his first 2 annulled (3rd was to a Catholic woman). The church sent papers to my wifes mom and she got quite upset about this. Seems she felt that if she agreed they had never been married her kids would all be bastards – not that one or two of them aren’t ;)

    My wife settled her down by saying “only to the Catholic church & who cares what they think?”

    I grew up in a heavily predominant Catholic neighborhood & never heard of anyone not being granted an annulment, only that it took time & money sometimes to get it done & Newtie has plenty of both.

  12. 12
    stuckinred says:

    “They’re a great couple,” she said, “that had a nontraditional start.”

  13. 13
    Cat Lady says:

    He’s running on “American Exceptionalism”? That’s it? I guess he thinks he can bamboozle enough teatards to buy the USA #1 foam fingers he must have surplus of.

  14. 14
    mafisto says:

    @mistermix: love the header

    I’ve been noticing that Republican trophy wives all look like birds of prey. Is there some face-shaving clinic they all go to when they’ve been inducted into the cult?

  15. 15
    alwhite says:

    @R-Jud:
    I worked for a company for a number of years & one of our VPs was marrying his 4th wife – all of them had been his secretaries when he ‘proposed’.

    I could understand the second one being able to think, “well anyone can make a mistake” but the 3rd should have been more aware. The 4th? She had no excuse & if she didn’t demand he hire an old, homely man she must have been an idiot. An idiot on a level with the 3rd Mrs. Gingrich.

  16. 16
    Ken says:

    Either that was not a very flattering photo of Mrs. G or the definition of “trophy wife” has broadened quite a bit.

    If I were a rational Republican (I know, I know) I’d be a little peeved about now that the GOP can’t come up with anyone remotely serious as a Presidential candidate.

  17. 17
    geg6 says:

    @PurpleGirl:

    Yeah, I’d love to see the paperwork on that one that’s in the super secret Vatican vault.

    Love that he has his John Paul II DVD coming out just as that Vito Corleone of a child rape conspiracy is being beatified. That a criminal who ran a child rape organization can become a fucking saint tells you everything you need to know about that corrupt and crumbling pile of shit that is what has become of the Roman Catholic Church. I truly wonder if my mom would still support these assholes if she was alive. It’s an interesting thought to me since she was so devout.

  18. 18
  19. 19
    geg6 says:

    @alwhite:

    Heh. I say the same thing about my staff assistant, a loud and proud born-againer. She’s been married 4 times and just moved her new boyfriend of 3 months into her house. I wanted to warn the poor guy, but he’s over 40 and should know better.

  20. 20
    forked tongue says:

    I seem to remember Katherine Jean Lopez once fantasizing about a Gingrich-Joe the Plumber ticket. And why not, I say? Gingrich’s campaign could only benefit from a booster shot of gravitas and authenticity.

  21. 21
    SFAW says:

    I’m sure the former Mrs. Gingriches jumped at the chance to sign his denutment papers.

  22. 22
    Ash Can says:

    @PurpleGirl:
    @Uncle Glenny:

    Simple: none of his previous marriages were sanctioned by the Church, ergo as far as the Church is concerned, they never existed. And I’m betting that even if that weren’t the case, simply the fact Newtie found a bishop who was (apparently) all too happy to expedite his initiation tells me said bishop would have been able to fast-track any number of annulments for him as well.

    Newtie will be Catholic for as long as it takes him to decide the fundies can give him more money than the Opus Dei wing of the Catholic Church can. Then we’ll see a tearful repentance at some Southern Baptist Church Inc. corporate headquarters megachurch, and all will be forgiven.

  23. 23
    forked tongue says:

    Uh, by the way, not to be lookist or anything, but– if that’s a trophy wife, Newt must have come in near the end.

  24. 24
    SFAW says:

    I seem to remember Katherine Jean Lopez once fantasizing about a Gingrich-Joe the Plumber three-way.

    Fixed, for those who haven’t had to brain-bleach in awhile.

  25. 25
    NonyNony says:

    @alwhite:

    I grew up in a heavily predominant Catholic neighborhood & never heard of anyone not being granted an annulment, only that it took time & money sometimes to get it done & Newtie has plenty of both.

    There were two Catholic couples that I knew growing up who couldn’t get annulments in two different parts of the country. In both cases it really did come down to the money issue – they got the run-around from their bishops because they were working class and meanwhile rich folks in the same diocese never had any problems.

    It was actually one of the things early on that convinced me that the leadership of the Catholic Church were just plain corrupt, and piled onto the list of reasons to leave the church when I got older.

  26. 26
    4tehlulz says:

    >Newt will probably be shilling tales of the pain of the circumcision required for him to convert to Judaism in order to marry his fourth trophy wife

    And running for PM of Israel

    MAYBE

  27. 27
    gypsy howell says:

    @forked tongue:

    that if that’s a trophy wife, Newt must have come in near the end.

    Well in fairness to Newt, they have been married for 11 years, so she’s probably getting near her expiration date. Does she have a terminal disease yet?

  28. 28
    alwhite says:

    @geg6:
    All the secretaries were in their early 20’s so I actually felt sorry for them at some level. Maybe they were not young & stupid but it makes me feel better about humanity to think that rather than they were gold diggers.

  29. 29
    alwhite says:

    @NonyNony:
    Mine was a working-class neighborhood & I heard a few complaints about the amount of money involved. Maybe the local franchise reduced the rates for the local conditions?

  30. 30
    gypsy howell says:

    @alwhite:

    Really? I’d feel better if they were gold-diggers. At least it would level the playing field in the marriage, especially if they’re entering into a marriage with a serial divorcer. Maybe they’ve got their eyes on some alimony.

  31. 31
    RedDirtGirl says:

    Here’s an explanation for Callista’s face

  32. 32
    SFAW says:

    Maybe they’ve got their eyes on some alimony.

    Shame on you for getting our hopes up!

  33. 33
    MattF says:

    My breakfast was doing fine until you mentioned circumcision. Thank-you-very-much-NOT.

  34. 34
    geg6 says:

    @alwhite:

    My mom used to help people get annulments in the Pittsburgh diocese. She knew her Canon law backwards and forwards, even though, as a woman, she couldn’t argue any cases. But she helped numerous working class and middle class (dropping to working class due to the divorce) do the paperwork and the appeals. It was not easy to do if you didn’t have tons of money. Rich people had no problems, but the women my mom helped did not always get their annulments. One woman fought for 8 years to get one. My mom was very proud of that one.

  35. 35
    Suffern ACE says:

    @geg6: Who exactly does one pay this money to? If I were writing a check for an annulment, would the memo line be “Annulment 2011”, or would they be shaking me down for a stained glass window and a new chalice? Curious Lutheran would like to know….

  36. 36
    Dave S. says:

    Mrs. S. and I actually lost two of our wedding guests to the Gingrich wedding held the same day. Poor choice, I always thought; our reception rocked and there’s bound to be another Gingrich wedding sometime.

  37. 37
    MikeJ says:

    @Ash Can:

    Newtie will be Catholic for as long as it takes him to decide the fundies can give him more money than the Opus Dei wing of the Catholic Church can.

    Nah. Newt is Catholic because he craves the approval of the elites. The Catholic church has a history of scholarship. Newt pretends to be a professor every now and then too. If he wasn’t Catholic the story on him would be “fundegelical from Georgia.” The David Brookses of the world wouldn’t take him seriously.

  38. 38
    NonyNony says:

    @alwhite:

    Mine was a working-class neighborhood & I heard a few complaints about the amount of money involved. Maybe the local franchise reduced the rates for the local conditions?

    Mostly the two circumstances I’m talking about were because the local bishops were assholes. But, if you were a rich member of the community, they would be less of an asshole to you. It wasn’t so much the money involved in making the appeals (though that is part of it in every case I know of where an annulment has happened), but rather that the diocese in each case was very “holier-than-thou” unless “thou” had a lot of money and had the family name on a number of stained-glass windows in the church. Then they were only “exactly-as-holy-as-thou”.

    I understand that the actual expenses of annulment are pretty awful too, though. One of the women confided in me that she thought the annulment process was costing her more money than the actual divorce ever did – no idea if she was exaggerating or not, but since she and her ex just kind of walked away from each other on a mutual agreement that they didn’t much like each other anymore that may have been the case.

  39. 39
    rikryah says:

    ok, this was just funny and on point. I’m still not past Newtie saying that his infidelity was because he was such a good AMERICAN.

  40. 40
    Steeplejack says:

    @R-Jud:

    “Star-spangled bunting.” Heh.

  41. 41

    Newt’s latest sideshow gimmick will be to learn guitar in order to back up his wife on her tour to support the 40th anniversary re-release of her classic album.

  42. 42
    geg6 says:

    @Suffern ACE:

    It goes directly to the Church. Everyone gets a piece. The parish (lowly damn local church!) gets nothing. But the diocese (and the bishop, of course!) gets a cut. And the canon lawyer gets a cut. And then, because appeals often have to be gotten in Rome, the Vatican gets its cut. And everyone goes and buys them some designer vestments (everyone in the Church hierarchy, that is) and maybe, just maybe, a not-well-off person might possibly get the annulment they deserve because hubby forgot that abandoning the wife and children (numerous because they’re Catholics, yo!) with no financial support is sometimes, but not often, frowned upon by the Church. Unless you are very, very wealthy. In which case, you throw loads of cash at anyone male in a dress and Prada shoes with a rosary and, regardless of whether you are the aggrieved or the cause of grief, you get your annulment in a couple of months.

  43. 43
    Doug Harlan J says:

    Very good title.

  44. 44
    forked tongue says:

    You know that thing conservatives bitch about sometimes, where sports events for kids invalidate the whole concept of competition by just giving a lame trophy to anyone who participates? I have to assume that’s the kind of thinking behind calling Mrs. Gingrich a “trophy wife.”

  45. 45
    WereBear says:

    This discussion has tripped an eHarmony ad. I imagine these two scored rather high on “rabid weasel” and “conning rubes” and thus, found each other.

  46. 46
    jrg says:

    @geg6:

    One woman fought for 8 years to get one. My mom was very proud of that one.

    I really don’t understand some people. I could have won that in 30 seconds… Walk into the church, tell the priest to go fuck himself, and walk out.

    Why on earth do people continue to lick the boots of authority figures who deserve nothing if not contempt?

  47. 47
    Bulworth says:

    He’s running on “American Exceptionalism”? That’s it? I guess he thinks he can bamboozle enough teatards to buy the USA #1 foam fingers he must have surplus of.

    Bulworth “likes” this.

  48. 48
    kindness says:

    Hey Newtie! I hear Pamela Geller is available….

  49. 49
    PurpleGirl says:

    In other relationship news Arnold Schwarzneggar and Maria Shriver are splitting. They confirm that they are living apart and hope people will respect their privacy and that of their children.

  50. 50
    Bulworth says:

    Newt and Callista run a bullshit factory built on Newt’s reputation as a Republican macher, and daddy can’t write paychecks unless there’s cash in the bank, so Newt pretty much had to run for real this year

    Bulworth also likes this.

  51. 51
    mellowjohn says:

    mrs. gingrich 3.0 looks suspiciously like one of The Visitors. Do you think a picture of her swallowing a hamster would wreck newtie’s campaign?

  52. 52
    fhtagn says:

    that disgusting old geezer

    I’d call Gingrich a disgusting old geyser myself. Periodic emissions of hot liquid, propelled by internal gases reaching a critical point.

  53. 53
    fhtagn says:

    daddy can’t write paychecks unless there’s cash in the bank, so Newt pretty much had to run for real this year

    So, basically, he’s Christine O’Donnell minus the fake virginity?

  54. 54
    rea says:

    You’ve got to give Gingrich credit for at last coming up with a plausible theory on how gay marriage ruins the institution for straights like Newt–faithful gay couples show up Newt’s serial adulteries, divorces and remarriages.

  55. 55
    MBL says:

    God I’m glad that I’m not the only person who noticed he’s somehow married to Cindy McCain. I thought I was hallucinating.

  56. 56
    R-Jud says:

    @fhtagn:

    I’d call Gingrich a disgusting old geyser myself. Periodic emissions of hot liquid, propelled by internal gases reaching a critical point.

    The noise of disgust I made when I read that line sounded EXACTLY like your username.

  57. 57
    Stefan says:

    Newtie will be Catholic for as long as it takes him to decide the fundies can give him more money than the Opus Dei wing of the Catholic Church can.

    Newt will remain a Catholic forever — unless, of course, the Church gets cancer, multiple sclerosis or some other illness. Then he’ll trade it in for a younger, hotter religion — perhaps Islam?

  58. 58
    Stefan says:

    You’ve got to give Gingrich credit for at last coming up with a plausible theory on how gay marriage ruins the institution for straights like Newt—faithful gay couples show up Newt’s serial adulteries, divorces and remarriages.

    Gingrich is the Captain Queeg of serial adultery, blaming it all on the gays: “Ahh, but the gays that’s… that’s where I had them. They laughed at me and made jokes but I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt and with… geometric logic… that gay marriage DID cause me to cheat, and I’d have remained faithful to my wives if they hadn’t of gotten all those gays married…”

  59. 59
    Hungry Joe says:

    The third graf of the Newt story (by Sheryl Gay Stolberg) included this classic Times-ian line: “His critics cast Mr. Gingrich, the former House speaker, as a hypocrite who sought to impeach a president over infidelity while engaging in it himself.” Good god — “His critics cast” him?

  60. 60
    Hungry Joe says:

    @Stefan

    Two cheers (one for each of Queeg’s steel balls) for the “Caine Mutiny” adaptation.

  61. 61
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @PurpleGirl:

    Sorry, babes, but you live a public life, you can’t just turn it off.

    Should have thought of that before you became a high profile couple.

    Dumbfucks.

  62. 62
    feebog says:

    From the article:

    Mr. Mrs. Gingrich, who plays French horn with the city band in Fairfax, Va

    OK that explains the attraction…

  63. 63
    4jkb4ia says:

    Outstanding snark. There obviously was no news yesterday or this wouldn’t have been on the front page. I also see a story about the new Polara golf ball there.
    From the headline you thought they were going to brazen it out, but with the tour and the children’s book I guess it’s more subtle. The kind of public who is going to buy a children’s book on American exceptionalism could get to know Callista Gingrich as a person and feel comfortable with her.

  64. 64
    zach says:

    Just watched the teaser video on Newt’s site for the American exceptionalism video. This is way more absurd than any of the parodies of propaganda in 80s cinema, yet it’s real?

    It’ll be amazing if Gingrich gets the nomination (and if Daniels and Pawlenty slip up, he just might). The guy has no verbal filter at all; it’s like Biden except his slip-ups are damning instead of endearing. I can’t wait for the first debate with a Latino questioner: “Mr. Gingrich; in 2009, you repeatedly called the first Latina Supreme Court nominee in history a racist. Do you stand behind those remarks? If so, how do you think Sonya Sotomayor’s racism has impacted her decisions in the past two terms?”

  65. 65
    4jkb4ia says:

    Husband: “I don’t want Gingrich”. (In 2008, husband would have happily voted for Nixon over all the actual Republicans running. He ended up voting for HRC on primary day.)

    Me: “The Republican base doesn’t want him either. He’s gone by South Carolina.”

  66. 66
    Surly Duff says:

    @PurpleGirl:
    Yes, how can an organization that attempted to cover up serial child molestors and generated vast amounts of wealth through the sale of indulgences ever allow such a travesty of justice by letting Gingrich marry a third wife?

  67. 67
    Wile E. Quixote says:

    I read that article. I also read David Brooks’ latest column in which he whines about Medicare causing unemployment because it is consuming dollars that could otherwise be spent on discretionary spending items that would lead to increased employment. Of course Brooks never mentions cutting defense spending (how much infrastructure could we build for the price of one aircraft carrier?) or raising taxes.

    The fawning Gingrich profile, the bullshit David Brooks column and the speeding ticket I got from the Seattle Police Department this morning (they have to write a lot of tickets to pay for the $1.5 million settlement they’re paying because one of their officers murdered a homeless man) have conspired to put me into a really foul mood. The Brooks column makes me regret not going to his Town Hall presentation in Seattle back in March and punching him in the face.

  68. 68
    Nutella says:

    Wow, she does look like Cindy McCain in that photo. She looks just as unhappy as Cindy McCain does, too.

  69. 69
    eemom says:

    @Surly Duff:

    cue accusations of Catholic-bashing in 3…2…1…..

  70. 70
    Ozymandias, King of Ants says:

    @PurpleGirl: Simple: if those previous two marriages were not in the Catholic Church, they don’t count.

  71. 71
    alwhite says:

    @gypsy howell:

    I hadn’t thought of it that way before. To me it was a question of a bad guy taking advantage of a young girl or a gold digger taking advantage of a stupid guy. Hell maybe the 5 of them deserved each other!

  72. 72
    pattonbt says:

    @alwhite: Funny. I had the exact same thing happen at an old employer. Wife three, though, was smart, she knew the history and she made sure her replacement (after marrying the boss and quitting) was a man.

    Don’t know if the old boss ended up switching teams or not to go after secretary number 4, but it definitely gave the office a nice chuckle to think about.

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