Hell hath no fury like a vagina scorned.
Last week, during a debate on Florida legislation that would prevent union dues from being automatically deducted from government paychecks, Scott Randolph (D-Orlando) used his time during floor debate to call the GOP out on their hypocrisy. He pointed out that the GOP is staunchly “small government” when it comes to business, but “big government” when it comes to the little guy and their own pet interests — like lady parts.
At one point Randolph suggested that his wife “incorporate her uterus” to stop Republicans from pushing measures that would restrict abortions. Republicans, after all, wouldn’t want to further regulate a Florida business.
Apparently the GOP leadership of the House didn’t like the one-liner.
They told Democrats that Randolph is not to discuss body parts on the House floor.
“The point was that Republicans are always talking about deregulation and big government,” Randolph said Thursday. “And I always say their philosophy is small government for the big guy and big government for the little guy. And so, if my wife’s uterus was incorporated or my friend’s bedroom was incorporated, maybe they (Republicans) would be talking about deregulating.
It’s not like I used slang,” said Randolph, who actually got the line from his wife. He said Republicans voiced concern about young pages hearing the word uterus.
“I think it’s a sad commentary about what we think about sex education in the state,” he said.
He’s right. We all know that. According to the Teabilly Doctrine, the government should be teeny-tiny when it comes to regulating big business. But when it comes to lady business, the government is so fucking big that I wouldn’t be surprised if the military starts forcing women to quarter soldiers in their vaginas.
IT COULD HAPPEN.
Here’s what Katie Betta, the Florida GOP spokeswoman — woman! — had to say:
The Speaker has been clear about his expectations for conduct on the House for during debate. At one point during the debate, he mentioned to the entire House that members of both parties needed to be mindful of decorum during debate.
Additionally, the Speaker believes it is important for all Members to be mindful of and respectful to visitors and guests, particularly the young pages and messengers who are seated in the chamber during debates. In the past, if the debate is going to contain language that would be considered inappropriate for children and other guests, the Speaker will make an announcement in advance, asking children and others who may be uncomfortable with the subject matter to leave the floor and gallery.”
So not only do Republicans hate women, they’re actually afraid of us! But why?!
Ladies, I think they’re not telling us something. The reason that they are fighting for control over our plumbing is — is — well fuck, I don’t know what it is, but it’s something. There’s got to be an explanation. Maybe our vaginas contain booty? Like gold dubloons and stuff? We have to investigate.
Quick! Grab your specula and a mirror! Go spelunking in your ladyholes! There’s gotta be something valuable in there! Go! Go! Go!
I THINK I JUST FOUND THE LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS IN MINE!! Holy shitsnacks!
And what the–
could it be — THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION FILM!?
John Mayer was right! My body is a wonderland!
That’s it. Dudes, I’m so outta here. I’m moving into my uterus.
In other news, the spite babies are doing just fine. And, given the GOP’s squirmishness with vaginae, I’ve decided to name the newborns Uterissa, Ovareen, Fallopiana, Cervixa, and Vagine. Thankfully, they are all baby girls, so there are 5 more sets of lady parts out there — FEAR THEM, GOP!