Florida GOP: The word “uterus” is “inappropriate for children and other guests.”

Hell hath no fury like a vagina scorned.

The GOP is scared of your crotch, ladies. I’m serious.

Last week, during a debate on Florida legislation that would prevent union dues from being automatically deducted from government paychecks, Scott Randolph (D-Orlando) used his time during floor debate to call the GOP out on their hypocrisy. He pointed out that the GOP is staunchly “small government” when it comes to business, but “big government” when it comes to the little guy and their own pet interests — like lady parts.

At one point Randolph suggested that his wife “incorporate her uterus” to stop Republicans from pushing measures that would restrict abortions. Republicans, after all, wouldn’t want to further regulate a Florida business.

Apparently the GOP leadership of the House didn’t like the one-liner.

They told Democrats that Randolph is not to discuss body parts on the House floor.

“The point was that Republicans are always talking about deregulation and big government,” Randolph said Thursday. “And I always say their philosophy is small government for the big guy and big government for the little guy. And so, if my wife’s uterus was incorporated or my friend’s bedroom was incorporated, maybe they (Republicans) would be talking about deregulating.

It’s not like I used slang,” said Randolph, who actually got the line from his wife. He said Republicans voiced concern about young pages hearing the word uterus.

“I think it’s a sad commentary about what we think about sex education in the state,” he said.

He’s right. We all know that. According to the Teabilly Doctrine, the government should be teeny-tiny when it comes to regulating big business. But when it comes to lady business, the government is so fucking big that I wouldn’t be surprised if the military starts forcing women to quarter soldiers in their vaginas.

IT COULD HAPPEN.

::ahem::

Here’s what Katie Betta, the Florida GOP spokeswoman — woman! — had to say:

The Speaker has been clear about his expectations for conduct on the House for during debate. At one point during the debate, he mentioned to the entire House that members of both parties needed to be mindful of decorum during debate.

Additionally, the Speaker believes it is important for all Members to be mindful of and respectful to visitors and guests, particularly the young pages and messengers who are seated in the chamber during debates. In the past, if the debate is going to contain language that would be considered inappropriate for children and other guests, the Speaker will make an announcement in advance, asking children and others who may be uncomfortable with the subject matter to leave the floor and gallery.”

So not only do Republicans hate women, they’re actually afraid of us! But why?!

Ladies, I think they’re not telling us something. The reason that they are fighting for control over our plumbing is — is — well fuck, I don’t know what it is, but it’s something. There’s got to be an explanation. Maybe our vaginas contain booty? Like gold dubloons and stuff? We have to investigate.

Quick! Grab your specula and a mirror! Go spelunking in your ladyholes! There’s gotta be something valuable in there! Go! Go! Go!

Wait–

I THINK I JUST FOUND THE LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS IN MINE!! Holy shitsnacks!

And what the–

could it be — THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION FILM!?

John Mayer was right! My body is a wonderland!

That’s it. Dudes, I’m so outta here. I’m moving into my uterus.

In other news, the spite babies are doing just fine. And, given the GOP’s squirmishness with vaginae, I’ve decided to name the newborns Uterissa, Ovareen, Fallopiana, Cervixa, and Vagine. Thankfully, they are all baby girls, so there are 5 more sets of lady parts out there — FEAR THEM, GOP!

[via Salon]

[cross-posted here]

73 replies
  1. 1
    wasabi gasp says:

    If your vagina has holy shitsnacks I probably wouldn’t want to hear about it, too.

  2. 2

    next thing you know, they will chop down all the pussy willow trees, because children might ask their parents, nannies, or whomever happens to be around what type of tree those are.

  3. 3
    jeff says:

    I was born gay, but that graphic isn’t exactly scaring me straight, though I am scared.

  4. 4
    PIGL says:

    Can I just be the first to point out: in a nation of hysterical(*) sex-negative misogynists who would have been considered a little tiresome and prudish by Leave-It-To-Beaver’s maiden great-aunt, these people really “beat the band,” as you Americans say. This is a form of cultivated prurience, like putting little aprons on the nether regions of piano-legs.

    (*)see what I did here?

  5. 5
    beltane says:

    Well, considering that John McCain referred to his wife as a c**t in public, it might just be the scientific terminology that upsets them, because they hate science. The C word and the P word are perfectly acceptable to be used around young conservative children, especially when it’s daddy yelling them at mommy, preferably while drunk. Family values.

  6. 6
    Benjamin Cisco (mobile) says:

    Ten bucks says one or more of those names show up, or already has shown up, URL.

  7. 7

    apparently word press is based in florida, because pus.e willow trees is already banned. wait til the arbor day foundation finds out about this.

  8. 8
    Benjamin Cisco (mobile) says:

    Ten bucks says one or more of those names show up, or already has shown up, IRL.

  9. 9
    MikeJ says:

    I know Cole doesn’t read this blog, do any of the front pagers?

  10. 10
    General Stuck says:

    That vagina has teeth. We don’t stand a chance.

  11. 11

    I’m guessing money is good, and women are bad, per the GOP. But where wetsuits come in, I’m not sure

  12. 12
    West of the Cascades says:

    “quartering soldiers” – possibly the first time anyone has invoked the Third Amendment in a blog post? Also, too, your idea of moving into your uterus isn’t all that novel, since the Florida Republican party pretty much has its collective head up its asshole.

    Correction – I see now that The Onion did a story three years ago on the National Anti-Quartering Association (“America’s foremost Third Amendment rights group”). There is nothing new under the sun …

  13. 13
    Joseph Nobles says:

    Is “ladyparts” OK to say in Florida? Ladyparts, Incorporated (we’re gonna do it!).

  14. 14
    brentblah says:

    @PIGL: …I am apparently a terrible Amurrkin because I have NEVER heard that saying before.

    But thanks to teh Googlez, I can now make up for lost time.

  15. 15
    The Political Nihilist Formerly Known As Kryptik says:

    Just remember, it’s ok to legislate and regulate what goes on in a woman’s vajayjay as long as you dare not speak the beast’s name. After all, we wouldn’t want to offend anyone, least of all the children they’re forcing women to bear.

  16. 16
    Mrs. Bitch says:

    Jayzus! Republicans are all as dumb as a box of rocks — and yes, I mean as dumb as a vagina full of testicles.

  17. 17
    Fax Paladin says:

    And Google or whatever, in its infinite wisdom, puts a “Millions of babies killed on your dime. DEFUND PLANNED PARENTHOOD” ad under the post.

    I guess I should be glad Cole is making some money off these jerks.

  18. 18
    brentblah says:

    @The Political Nihilist Formerly Known As Kryptik:

    …as long as you dare not speak the beast’s name.

    Vagina=Voldemort

  19. 19
    Lori says:

    Wow, ABL – your fantastical imagination is on an awesome roll tonight. Dr. Seuss-style stream of consciousness blogging about uterii.. this post is one of the reasons I love to read women bloggers.

  20. 20

    Florida Republican legislators are doing their damnedest to make a name for themselves as the most bone-stupid collection of mouth-breathers in the US. And yet–and this is truly terrifying–they’re the sane ones compared to our illustrious governor. I really wish that we could divide Florida along the I-4 corridor and let the southern half secede to form the state of Not-Fucking-Insane Florida.

  21. 21
    Mike in NC says:

    According to the Teabilly Doctrine, the government should be teeny-tiny when it comes to regulating big business.

    The wingnuts have even got the conservative scold Michael Medved scratching his head over how they demand a small domestic government to run a nation of 310+ million, yet at the same time expect Uncle Sam to stick his nose into the internal affairs of even other country on the planet when it comes to foreign policy.

    http://www.usatoday.com/news/o.....0_ST_N.htm

  22. 22
    asiangrrlMN says:

    ABL, thank you for taking the steaming pile of caca that is the Republican Party and their fascination with the ladybits and making it laugh-out-loud funny (at least to read about it). Plus, the comments in these threads are pure gold.

  23. 23
    beltane says:

    @Brian S (formerly Incertus): Don’t feel too bad. You can be assured that Arizona will once again pull ahead of Florida in the most stupid state contest.

  24. 24
  25. 25

    @beltane: I’m not feeling too badly because I’m moving to Iowa this summer, just in time for the freak show that will be the Republican caucuses. I’m considering registering as a Republican just so I can take part in them. Is that required? Because I would do it. I might even fire up the blog again for it.

  26. 26
    Anne Laurie says:

    I wish to remind everyone that I called dibs on “Incorporated Uterus” as a blog-title back in the earlier post.

    But you can borrow it for your rock band, as long as you promise to give me credit.

    (Unless you’re a hipster-emo boy band who drink PBR “ironically”, in which case, I suggest you call yourselves Ruptured Butt Hurt, for accuracy.)

  27. 27
    Origuy says:

    @West of the Cascades: There was a Third Amendment case a few years ago. IIRC, an Army officer was being transferred to a base near his father’s home. There wasn’t going to be space in the BOQ for some time, so the base commander told him to stay with his father. Dad decided to make a Third Amendment case out of it.
    I probably have some of the details wrong, but that’s the gist of it.

  28. 28
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Brian S (formerly Incertus):

    I really wish that we could divide Florida along the I-4 corridor and let the southern half secede to form the state of Not-Fucking-Insane Florida.

    Maybe you guys could offer it to the Seminole to incorporate as a reservation? I don’t think the original stakeholders are interested in moving back from Oklahoma, but maybe the Okeefenokeeans will take pity on y’all.

  29. 29
    danimal says:

    Maybe our vaginas contain booty? Like gold dubloons and stuff? We have to investigate.

    The adolescent boy in me wishes to report for duty on this pirate ship. Ahoy, mates, we’re searchin fur gold!

  30. 30
    General Stuck says:

    That’s it. Dudes, I’m so outta here. I’m moving into my uterus.

    Lucky you, only hole we got is our assholes, and who wants to move to the orifice where you work all day?

  31. 31
    suzanne says:

    @beltane:

    You can be assured that Arizona will once again pull ahead of Florida in the most stupid state contest.

    I dunno ’bout that. I got an abortion here without a problem and I tell everyone about it and I haven’t gotten shot yet.

  32. 32
    something fabulous says:

    OK, the names are PURE GOLD! May I be Ovareen’s godmother?

  33. 33
    West of the Cascades says:

    @Origuy: AWESOME. Surely the teabaggers will find some way to exploit the Third Amendment, once they’re done with the Second.

  34. 34
    beltane says:

    @suzanne: Ah, that’s because you didn’t have one of those “hate crime” abortions that were the topic of yesterday’s rant. One of the commenters here said he guessed it meant that love abortions were OK and it seems that he was right.

  35. 35
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    But when it comes to lady business, the government is so fucking big that I wouldn’t be surprised if the military starts forcing women to quarter soldiers in their vaginas.

    Ah, a reference to the 3rd Amendment, which is the most forgotten amendment of the US Constitution.

  36. 36
    beltane says:

    @West of the Cascades: Here we go: Compact fluorescent light bulbs are a government intrusion into the privacy of your home that is equivalent to, or even worse than, the quartering of troops. Proof? Would you ever consider screwing a soldier into a light socket? Of course not, but that’s exactly what the Kenyan usurper Obama George III is trying to accomplish with his fascist environmental laws.

  37. 37
    Chad N Freude says:

    I certainly hope nobody says “The pen_is mightier than the sword”. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, knowatimean?

  38. 38
    wenchacha says:

    They must forewarn lege members from speaking about Intercourse, PA.

    Also, too, no form of chicken breast will now be available on the dining hall’s menu.

    It is still okay to call all the Republicans twats.

  39. 39

    @Anne Laurie: i actually said “ow” after i read “Ruptured Butt Hurt.”

    hahaha. that’s gold!

  40. 40
    chines says:

    Let me see if I’ve got this:

    It’s perfectly acceptable for fringy idiots to refer to themselves as teabaggers but non-euphemisms for the female anatomy are taboo?

    I’ve long thought that wingnuts were against “sexual education” because they sincerely believed that sex ed classes would involve teaching people how to fuck — like by showing pr0n clips in class or having guest speaker Ron Jeremy give a seminar. Or having the students break off into group discussions that devolve into orgies. you know, like home ec.

    Sounds like the wingers who weren’t homeschooled didn’t pay attention in class (shock, surprise) to learn basic anatomy. I think these morans think uterus is same thing as vagina. It’s all the same scary thing!

    Time to start sending them pictures, ladies, of our big, hairy uteri!!

  41. 41
    Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN) says:

    @chines:

    having guest speaker Ron Jeremy give a seminar

    That could put me off sex forever.

  42. 42
    Ruckus says:

    @chines:
    guest speaker Ron Jeremy
    Back in the day when Ron was a big porn star I used to bank at the same bank. Stood in line behind him on more than one occasion. Not a particularly handsome man. On the other hand he did keep to himself. Which was good because otherwise I’d have to agree with Tissue Thin Pseudonym

  43. 43
    Svensker says:

    Go spelunking in your ladyholes

    OK, mint tea all over everything.

  44. 44
    Villago Delenda Est says:

    @chines:

    It’s perfectly acceptable for fringy idiots to refer to themselves as teabaggers but non-euphemisms for the female anatomy are taboo?

    Once enough people with multiple working neurons pointed out to them that teabaggers was a reference to a sex act (and a mostly gay male one, to boot) that’s when they abandoned “teabagger” and insisted that they were always “Tea Partiers”, never “Teabaggers” even though their intial schtick was sending bags of tea to congresscritters with “taxed enough already” written on the tag to the bag.

    I’ve actually seen them pull the entire “Oceania has always been at war with Eurasia” trope on teabaggers vs. tea party in comments sections.

    The stupid. It burns.

  45. 45
    serena1313 says:

    ABL,

    I always get a kick out of your commentary, but this time you outdid yourself. You are so clever:

    “Quick! Grab your specula and a mirror! Go spelunking in your ladyholes! There’s gotta be something valuable in there! Go! Go! Go!

    Wait—

    “I THINK I JUST FOUND THE LOST CITY OF ATLANTIS IN MINE!! Holy shitsnacks!”

    […]

    ” I’ve decided to name the newborns Uterissa, Ovareen, Fallopiana, Cervixa, and Vagine.”

    LMAO

    If you had vocalized your retort on the house floor, the Florida GOP would be so stunned they wouldn’t know what to do or say, except gasp. Then a minute or two later, after they’ve gained their “composure,” they’d do what they always do: go off on a hyperbolic self-righteous rant for days on end.

    But what great fodder for late night comedians!

    Thank you for the smiles, chuckles and laughter. Keep up the great work; It’s pure gold!

  46. 46
    Jay C says:

    @Origuy:

    Sounds less like a Constitutional issue, and more like a case for some family therapy…

  47. 47
    Origuy says:

    @Jay C: I think the son wasn’t too happy with it, either. In such cases, the Army is probably supposed to put him up; maybe the father didn’t have room. Anyway, I couldn’t find any references to it, so maybe it got settled before trial. The only recent case regarding the 3rd Amendment seems to be Engblom v Carey. New York correctional officers on strike were evicted from their residences provided by the state in order to house the National Guard troops replacing them.

    On the original topic: What is it with Florida, anyway?

  48. 48
    Citizen_X says:

    So, if the word “uterus” repels Republicans, I’m gonna totally go Harry Potter on the next one that starts blathering at me, throwing my outstretched right hand up and shouting, “UTERUS!” I expect them to instantly burst into flame.

    And if that doesn’t work, I’ll just do the usual and punch ’em with the left.

  49. 49
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Origuy:

    What is it with Florida, anyway?

    According to my cousin in Miami: “It’s shaped like a wang, of course it’s gonna attract people whose dreams revolve around being huuuuuge dicks.”

  50. 50
    Ecks says:

    @chines: I believe Monty Python already covered this.

  51. 51
    chines says:

    @Tissue Thin Pseudonym (JMN):

    That could put me off sex forever.

    Agreed. The gonadiphobes (it’s a word) don’t know what a loss it is to their cause of warping the young against sex by hiring Ron Jeremy to guest lecture.

  52. 52
    chines says:

    @Villago Delenda Est:

    Once enough people with multiple working neurons pointed out to them that teabaggers was a reference to a sex act (and a mostly gay male one, to boot) that’s when they abandoned “teabagger” and insisted that they were always “Tea Partiers”, never “Teabaggers” even though their intial schtick was sending bags of tea to congresscritters with “taxed enough already” written on the tag to the bag.

    There are still a few hold-outs who try to claim that teabagger is a noble group name — that it’s just those silly moonbats trying to turn a perfectly good word into an icky sex act of teh ghey. Another person tried defending the use of teabagger to mean something about pwning someone in a video game. Which is likely true, but will never convince me to stop laughing at teabaggers.

  53. 53
    Interrobang says:

    In my elementary school, we had the perfect retort for this sort of thing: “Oh, your poor virgin ears.”

    Also, aren’t those messengers and pages the Republican spokes-uterus-haver so worried about usually teenagers? How on earth do you get to be a teenager without ever hearing the word “uterus,” and how on earth do you get to be an adult believing that the medically-accurate anatomical term is “inappropriate”?

  54. 54
    Yevgraf (fka Michael) says:

    @Villago Delenda Est:

    Once enough people with multiple working neurons pointed out to them that teabaggers was a reference to a sex act (and a mostly gay male one, to boot) that’s when they abandoned “teabagger” and insisted that they were always “Tea Partiers”, never “Teabaggers” even though their intial schtick was sending bags of tea to congresscritters with “taxed enough already” written on the tag to the bag.

    As I remember it, that idiot JimRob (affectionately known as “RimJob”) at the Freak Republic was the first to run with the “teabagger” reference in earnest. Only he and his minions would be stupid enough to go with that moniker.

    I knew it would all end in tears. They tried to spin it around when they realized what they did “teabag THEM before they teabag US”, but the effort was sadly deflated from the gate, because the mock held.

  55. 55

    @serena1313: thank you! i drink laugh to keep from crying.

  56. 56
    CaliCat says:

    I have to say that as a woman I’ve always thought the words vagina and uterus sounded ugly. They just aren’t pretty sounding words to me. Neither is vulva or clitoris. Fallopian sounds okay.

    I think it’s hilarious that the GOPers are soooo afraid of an anatomical word. Theyz got issues. But then we already knew that.

  57. 57
    agentofgoldstein says:

    Of course the GOP made a stink about his language, how else could they completely ignore the valid point of his comment?

  58. 58
    W. Kiernan says:

    Great! No more blathering about (scuse my French, ladies; cover your ears, kids) abortion in the Florida legislature. What a relief; I thought they’d never shut up about it.

  59. 59
    YellowDog says:

    @Angry Black Lady:

    “Nether Regions” is also acceptable in mixed company; “Naughty Bits” is a risque alternative for all-male company.

    It’s true. We are entering a new Gilded Age, with a Victorian attitude toward sex and women. The beginning of the first GA is marked by the completion of the Transcontinental Railroad. The new GA will be kicked off by the premiere of the Taggart Transcontinental railroad. The difference is that the second is based entirely on fiction, and bad fiction at that.

  60. 60
    Damned at Random says:

    It’s a WOMB, people.

    Jeebus told us what to call it when he wrote the Old Testament. Geeze

  61. 61
    Mr Blifil says:

    I’d like to see the numbers on how often the Speaker has had the gallery cleared, because of “inappropriate” subject matter. And even if guests were cleared, those young impressionable (presumably over the age of 18) pages and staffers would still have to sit there and have their brains polluted. BTW, aren’t the people objecting the same ones who want to force doctors to show underage pregnant girls pictures of dead fetuses? That’s one strange code of decorum right there.

  62. 62
    Paul in KY says:

    @Brian S (formerly Incertus): If you do, you’ve got to be so wingnutty that you get on a Fox TV news report about the caucuses.

    Just make sure you tell us about it. Might tune in to Fox News (which I avoid like the plague) to see it.

    Best of luck!

  63. 63
    Paul in KY says:

    @danimal: Gnarrr! What be the guidelines for this type o treasure huntin?

  64. 64
    Paul in KY says:

    @Anne Laurie: That does explain it. I used to live there, when in military, and it does have more than its share of loud assholes.

    Love those beaches, though.

  65. 65
    Silver Owl says:

    When maturity is considered a disease we get people like the GOP speaker. It really is stunning to see just how many so called “adults” are far more immature than elementary children.

  66. 66
    SaminMpls says:

    ABL, Dude, I love you!

  67. 67
    matryoshka says:

    So that’s where those keys went!

  68. 68
    shortstop says:

    “Uterus” is not a melodious word. I’m just sayin’. However, “Vagina, vagina dentata” is a smoove phrase, especially when sung to the tune of…hell, I don’t know what the real song is. The one that goes, “Da DA da, da DA da, da DA da…da DA da da da da.”

    A person who was then learning English once explained to me that she was having a problem (hyperplasia) with her “baby house.” I found that rather sweet, but couldn’t stop picturing little shingles and windowboxes and garden hoses and suchlike.

  69. 69
    shortstop says:

    @matryoshka: Always retrace your steps.

  70. 70
    matryoshka says:

    @shortstop: Or your tire tracks.

  71. 71
    sukabi says:

    @wasabi gasp: I’m pretty sure that ABL wouldn’t welcome wasabi near her vag either, so I think you’re even…

  72. 72
    Wolfdaughter says:

    @danimal:

    And then, of course, you can say you came into gold. (OK, old, bad, JAP joke. Shame on me. SHAME on me!)

  73. 73
    genghisjon says:

    Bought my wife two love birds.I wanted to name them Vag and Ina,she was not amused.

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