Jesus Take the Wheel
You may recall him from such features as “Honey, I Racially Profiled The Kids” and “The Pendejo Who Shoved Christmas Down Your Throat and Made You Choke On It.” Well, this little nugget of WTF should have you1 running to get the fuck out of Maricopa County.
You see, Jesus Llovera was a suspected cockfighter. Sheriff Joe wasn’t having any of it. Determined to show Jesus who was god by going full metal jacket on Jesus’s ass, Sheriff Joe rolled up to Jesus’s house in a tank. With a SWAT team. And a bomb robot. And… wait for it…
You might think I’m kidding; would that I were:
West Valley residents in the neighborhood are crying foul after armored vehicles, including a tank, rolled into their neighborhood to make the bust.
Neighbor Debra Ross was so worried she called 911 and went outside where a nearby home had its windows blown out, was crawling with dozens of SWAT members in full gear, armored vehicles and a bomb robot.
“When the tank came in and pushed the wall over and you see what’s in there, and all it is, is a bunch of chickens,” Ross said.
In a massive show of force on Monday, the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office executed a search warrant and arrested the homeowner, Jesus Llovera, on charges of suspected cockfighting.
Llovera was alone in the house at the time of the arrest, and he was unarmed.
“I think taxpayers should be shocked,” said Robert Campus, Llovera’s attorney. Campus said he believes the operation costs tens of thousands of dollars.
Deputies had no probable cause to believe Llovera was armed or dangerous, according to Campus.
Campus said he believes the entire scene was basically a stage, to help actor Steven Seagal’s TV show, “Lawman.”
Seagal was riding in the tank.
The Sheriff’s Department has entered into a contract with Seagal and part of that contract gives Seagal carte blanche to go along with the sheriff as he arrests people.
Thousands of dollars in damages were made to the property and 115 birds were euthanized on the spot.
Llovera was convicted of a misdemeanor last year of attending a cockfight and has no history of owning weapons.
Yet the sheriff’s office said they had reasons to believe Llovera might be armed.
“We’re going to err on the side of caution. We’re going to make sure that we have the appropriate amount of force in case we do run into anything like that,” said Sgt. Jesse Spurgin.
I get it. What may seem like a cockamamie scheme to puff his feathers for the glimmer man was actually a matter of life and death. We all know how dangerous Mexicans are. Arizona is under siege. One cock-eyed glance in the wrong direction and you better watch out — Jesus will chop your head right off and then throw it in the desert. Mexicans are unpredictable, is what I’m sayin’. They are loose cannons, esse!
I mean, how was Sheriff Joe supposed to know that Jesus didn’t have an army of cocks, each outfitted with crucifixes and little helmets with dangly spiked ball weapons affixed to them? You ain’t seen nothin’ until you’ve seen an angry cock in a helmet going balls-out in a fight for Jesus. It’s a sight to behold — enough to make even the most cocksure warrior tremble in fear.
And 115 of these deadly weaponized cocks? Of course they had to be fried euthanized on the spot.
1 And by “you” I mean “my parents.”2
2 Never mind, they’re in Pima County. But still.
[cross-posted you know where]