Lighten Up, Francis (An Illustrated Guide to the Balloon Juice Comment Policy)

I’ve thought about it a bit, and here is the comments policy we will be rocking from now on:

1.) No racist, sexist, or homophobic remarks. Violation equals comment deletion and a warning, second offense is comment deletion and a week vacation, third offense, don’t let the door hit you in the ass.

2.) No divulging people’s personal information (address, phone numbers, employer, etc.)

3.) No Poofters.

That is it. Period. It is simple, it is easy to understand, and it is clear. All the front pagers have the ability to enforce these rules. I know some of you want to make all sorts of bizarre subjective rules about people that offend your delicate sensibilities, but that isn’t happening, as I am an adherent to the KISS principle.

If someone offends you but is not violating those three rules, you have a number of options:

1.) You could ignore them (highly recommended!).

2.) You could insult them back (my personal recommendation!).

3.) You could install Cleek’s pie filter (click on this link, MORANS!) so you never have to read them again (a good solution, but I am too lazy to do it).

4.) Or, in the immortal words of TBOGG, you could try to find this place:

Every year in Happy Gumdrop Fairy-Tale Land all of the sprites and elves and woodland creatures gather together to pick the Rainbow Sunshine Queen. Everyone is there: the Lollipop Guild, the Star-Twinkle Toddlers, the Sparkly Unicorns, the Cookie Baking Apple-cheeked Grandmothers, the Fluffy Bunny Bund, the Rumbly-Tumbly Pupperoos, the Snowflake Princesses, the Baby Duckies All-In-A-Row, the Laughing Babies, and the Dykes on Bikes. They have a big picnic with cupcakes and gumdrops and pudding pops, stopping only to cast their votes by throwing Magic Wishing Rocks into the Well of Laughter, Comity, and Good Intentions. Afterward they spend the rest of the night dancing and singing and waving glow sticks until dawn when they tumble sleepy-eyed into beds made of the purest and whitest goose down where they dream of angels and clouds of spun sugar.

I’ve been to a lot of blogs with comments, and given the open nature of the comments here, I still think the signal to noise ratio is pretty acceptable. Regardless, this is 2011 and this is the internet. There are assholes out there. Someone in your family is going to leave the toilet seat up, someone squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube, someone is going to give your kid a wedgie at school, some shithead will be talking loudly on his cell phone while you eat at a restaurant or chewing with his mouth open, someone is going to cut you off in traffic- somewhere, some prick is drinking your milkshake. It happens. Have a drink. Likewise, there are assholes in the comments section. Deal with it.

If you can’t handle someone on the internet making smartass remarks or don’t have the ability to ignore them or deal with them, I have no idea how you function in society.

But that’s your problem, and not mine, and I’m not going to let you make it mine.






257 replies
  1. 1
    The Moar You Know says:

    I LIKE PIE MOTHERFUKER

  2. 2
    Comrade Mary says:

    Pictures make everything much more clear. And I am going to presume that you are aware of the collision between Rule #1 and Rule #3.

  3. 3
    John Cole says:

    @Comrade Mary: Yes, ’twas a joke.

  4. 4
    kc says:

    I’m composing an email to you right now enumerating my objections to this comment policy. And also, a list of commenters I want to see banned under the new policy.

    KIDDING! Looks like a perfectly reasonable policy. Though I agree with those who say the comment threads here really aren’t bad . . . heck, I’ve seen rougher stuff on a recipe board.

  5. 5
    meh says:

    must be hard policing a comments section full of fuckin toddlers…

  6. 6
    j low says:

    From the Urban Dictionary.

    3. poofter 173 up, 70 down
    A male homosexual, often one who is also effeminite in his mannerisms. Used exclusively in a negative sense by heterosexuals. Word variant: poof

    Edit: What’s a “joke”?

  7. 7
    Tim F. says:

    I thought that already was our comments policy.

  8. 8
    Comrade Mary says:

    @John Cole: Twas! And I did chortle, my good fellow.

  9. 9
    Vibrant Pantload, fka Studly Pantload says:

    So, in order for Comrade DougJ to not receive a sternly-worded warning for his previous post, he needs to change the title to “Darwin Hates Poofters”?

    [Edit: Ah, ’twas all in goode funne!]

  10. 10
    justawriter says:

    so be nice to each other or at least try to be better behaved that your average comic book fanboi.

  11. 11
    soonergrunt says:

    I most prefer the coda to Tbogg’s happy place:

    You don’t live there. Grow the fuck up.

  12. 12
    biff diggerence says:

    Monty Python references apparently exempt.

    Now, when do we start calling each other “Bruce”.

  13. 13
    Libby says:

    If someone has directions to the place mentioned in Option #4, please email them to me and I’ll be your BFF…

  14. 14
    steviez314 says:

    Can we still make fun of Tunch or is that too “species-ist”?

  15. 15
    geg6 says:

    Okay, this not about your commenting policy, Cole. As long as I can still say fuck, I’m down with it.

    But I don’t feel right putting this OT comment in Doug’s wine post thread, so here it is.

    Just another reason I’m not thrilled to have a nuke right next door to me. My nuke neighbor is number 5 on this list:

    The top 10
    Here are the 10 nuclear power sites with the highest risk of suffering core damage from an earthquake, showing their NRC risk estimates based on 2008 and 1989 geological data.
    __
    1. Indian Point 3, Buchanan, N.Y.: 1 in 10,000 chance each year. Old estimate: 1 in 17,241. Increase in risk: 72 percent.
    __
    2. Pilgrim 1, Plymouth, Mass.: 1 in 14,493. Old estimate: 1 in 125,000. Increase in risk: 763 percent.
    __
    3. Limerick 1 and 2, Limerick, Pa.: 1 in 18,868. Old estimate: 1 in 45,455. Increase in risk: 141 percent.
    __
    4. Sequoyah 1 and 2, Soddy-Daisy, Tenn.: 1 in 19,608. Old estimate: 1 in 102,041. Increase in risk: 420 percent.
    __
    5. Beaver Valley 1, Shippingport, Pa.: 1 in 20,833. Old estimate: 1 in 76,923. Increase in risk: 269 percent.
    __
    6. Saint Lucie 1 and 2, Jensen Beach, Fla.: 1 in 21,739. Old estimate: N/A.
    __
    7. North Anna 1 and 2, Louisa, Va.: 1 in 22,727. Old estimate: 1 in 31,250. Increase in risk: 38 percent.
    __
    8. Oconee 1, 2 and 3, Seneca, S.C.: 1 in 23,256. Old estimate: 1 in 100,000. Increase in risk: 330 percent.
    __
    9. Diablo Canyon 1 and 2, Avila Beach, Calif.: 1 in 23,810. Old estimate: N/A.
    __
    10. Three Mile Island, Middletown, Pa.: 1 in 25,000. Old estimate: 1 in 45,455. Increase in risk: 82 percent.

    The whole fucking state is teetering on the edge of a nuclear disaster if we get another of those tremblors in Erie, it seems.

    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/42.....apacific/#

  16. 16
    Eric S. says:

    So the most recent GF and I agreed last week that we were done with the romantic side of our relationship. This solved my middle-of-the-toothpaste-tube-squeezing problem.

    Now if I can just get Ozzie to quit dropping milk rings on my forehead at 3AM life would be perfect. Other than that no GF thing.

  17. 17

    You made me laugh real loud. Over and over. I love you for that. You can do no wrong.

  18. 18
    New Yorker says:

    John, should I assume that context matters for those racist, sexist, or homophobic comments?

    For example, if I wanted to parody the wingnut mindset, that’s OK, right?

    “Sure, mah wife just lost her health benefits and pension because she’s in a public sector union, and sure, I’m drinking benzene because mah guv’nor sold the state to Koch Industries, but I’m voting Republican because Glenn Beck told me if ah don’t, mah son will become a faggot and my daughter will be raped by towel headed Mooslims”.

    The above doesn’t count as “racist, sexist, or homophobic”, right?

  19. 19
    Arclite says:

    Regarding number 4:

    Does the unicorn fart? I want the unicorn to fart and it must smell like freshly baked chocolate cake. Does it? If so, I’ll begin my journey to discover this magical land of gumdrops and cupcakes.

  20. 20
    Rob says:

    Hm. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that there is a blog attached those comment sections.

  21. 21
    a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q) says:

    This is a joke too. And so is this.

  22. 22
    slag says:

    I actually kind of like the fact that you violate your own comment policy in the process of dictating that very policy. It adds a touch of the abstruse to the whole enterprise. Kudos.

  23. 23
    MikeTheZ says:

    Thanks for the irony overload, John.

  24. 24
    Arclite says:

    @geg6: I grew up in the 80s and 90s a few miles from the Millstone Nuclear Power Plant in CT. All reactors were shut down in 1995 for a whole year for repairs due to multiple safety violations. Five years ago I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer that had metastasized to my lymph nodes. I’m sure it was just a coincidence though.

  25. 25
    FormerSwingVoter says:

    Yes! Penis jokes are off the list! HAHAHA TALLYWHACKER IS A FUNNY WORD

  26. 26
    Comrade Mary says:

    @New Yorker: IANJ, but I’m taking these as guidelines, not rules, not just because 3 rules eventually lead to 4 rules, then 5, with the eventual result that you’re at Rule 34, which means that you’re really fucked, but because I think we’re all adult enough to pay attention to context, and that if someone is either blind to it and bitches, or plays the not-touching-you game to edge up to real discriminatory speech, sooner or later, karma gets them. Or Tunch sits on them.

  27. 27
    jl says:

    I think it is very irresponsible and unfeeling for Cole to suggest we go to Happy Gumdrop Fairy-Tale Land , and not post directions.

    I am offended and feel hurt.

    And the Rainbow Sunshine Queen is smokin’ Hot, right?

    Another idea is to put a widget for complaints about the blog, or commmenters, or comments, that links to a random insult generator. You can probably find one of those for free on the intertubes. That would save Cole a lot of time.

  28. 28
    PeakVT says:

    @geg6: Related – I’ve put together a list of the NPPs on US coastlines.

  29. 29
    Dave S. says:

    What about Rule 6?

  30. 30
    South of I-10 says:

    Seems reasonable to me.

  31. 31
    Suffern ACE says:

    I find that this song helps me locate my safe place efficiently.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eWM2joNb9NE

    I don’t need to go there that often though because of a blog comment. But then no one has ever compared me to David Horowitz either.

  32. 32
    Countervail says:

    P.S. Isn’t “poofters” derogatory slang for gay?

  33. 33
    Comrade Mary says:

    @Dave S.: I think this is a safe space, honey.

    OK, maybe not.

  34. 34
    El Tiburon says:

    I assume ComradeDougJ is hereby on time-out for his “Darwin Hates Fags” post.

    Otherwise these rules are a violation of my First Amendment rights to be a total dick on the internet and I hereby am lodging a formal complaint.

  35. 35
    jinxtigr says:

    I just love that TBogg post more and more every time I see it. I’d like to do a dramatic reading of it. It requires great voice acting skills to do it justice :)

  36. 36
    beltane says:

    @El Tiburon: Why did you take my First Amendment argument before I had a chance to make it? You disarmed me which is also a violation of my 2nd Amendment rights. This blog hates our freedoms, I’m going Galt.

  37. 37
    Hewer of Wood, Drawer of Water says:

    So to sum up the policy:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=idz70hx-WGA

    Be excellent to each other

  38. 38
    schrodinger's cat says:

    Can we still comment on Tunch’s size and the naked mopping incident?

  39. 39
    licensed to kill time says:

    So these aren’t like Commandments, more like really sternly worded suggestions, right?

  40. 40
    charles pierce says:

    I notice that THERE IS NO RULE NUMBER SIX!

  41. 41
    Mark S. says:

    @El Tiburon: @beltane:

    You two clearly don’t know anything about the First Amendment, but at least that puts you in good company at this blog.
    /burnsie

  42. 42
    Martin says:

    @Countervail: Yes, Cole hates fags. You can speak to him personally at 134 Mountaineer Rd, Sisterton, West Virginia, 13371

  43. 43
    AkaDad says:

    Maybe I don’t want to lighten up.

    Don’t tell me what to do you knicker-twisted fuck wad.

  44. 44
    CT Voter says:

    Fine by me, master chief.

    But seriously, would you consider (in all that free time you have) creating an e-mail hall-of-shame so everyone who doesn’t send you whiny e-mails could feel superior in comparison?

  45. 45
    max hats says:

    So, uh, poofter is like Australian for “fag.” It’s not just some goofy random thing the Monty Python guys were saying.

  46. 46
    Brachiator says:

    No Poofters.

    Thanks for the reminder link to the Monty Python reference. I had totally forgot about this.

    Similarly (though unrelated) I had forgot about some of the great 3 Stooges “Moe, Larry, cheese!” riffs from Curley until I saw an episode again recently.

    Good times.

  47. 47
    bfein says:

    As a lurker and rare commenter, I have found the compassion–surely laced with, ah, “total dickdom,” moving, hoping that I’m not getting into Princess Pony Gum-drop-dom sappiness. There’s something decent here. Maybe it’s all the adopted cats and dogs, their lives and especially their deaths.

  48. 48
    Uncle Clarence Thomas says:

    @soonergrunt:
    .
    .
    A false dichotomy is the sharpest tool in a balloonbagger’s kit.
    .
    .

  49. 49
    Morbo says:

    OK, so what does a Rule 34 of a comment policy look like?

  50. 50
    Maude says:

    @AkaDad:
    Are you joking?

  51. 51
    TooManyJens says:

    @New Yorker: Don’t know if it’s against the rules, but IMO that stuff is almost never as witty as the person writing it thinks it is. I’d pie filter anyone who did that very often just for being a wanker.

  52. 52
    piratedan says:

    @max hats:

    you could roughly translate it straight from the Python as this….

    Fourth Bruce: Crack tubes! (Sound of cans opening) Now I call upon Bruce to officially welcome Mr. Baldwin to the philosophy faculty.

    Second Bruce: I’d like to welcome the pommey bastard to God’s own Earth, and remind him that we don’t like stuck-up sticky-beaks here.

    Everybruce: Hear, hear! Well spoken, Bruce!

    Fourth Bruce: Bruce here teaches classical philosophy, Bruce there teaches Haegelian philosophy, and Bruce here teaches logical positivism. And is also in charge of the sheep dip.

    Third Bruce: What’s New-Bruce going to teach?

    Fourth Bruce: New-Bruce will be teaching political science, Machiavelli, Bentham, Locke, Hobbes, Sutcliffe, Bradman, Lindwall, Miller, Hassett, and Benaud.

    Second Bruce: Those are all cricketers!

    Fourth Bruce: Aww, spit!

    Third Bruce: Hails of derisive laughter, Bruce!

    Everybruce: Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you amen!

    Fourth Bruce:Bruce: Crack tube! (Sound of cans opening) Any questions?

    Second Bruce: New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?

    Fourth Bruce: Are you a Poofter?

    Michael: No!

    Fourth Bruce: No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: Rule One!

    Everybruce: No Poofters!

  53. 53
    slag says:

    @Martin: Damn. I was so hoping Google Maps was going to show me someplace good at that address.

  54. 54
    MGB says:

    OT but I have discovered how to get Sully to respond. Call him over emotional in his response to Libya, and he’ll shoot you and e-mail right back

  55. 55
    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice says:

    @Comrade Mary:

    IANJ

    I Am New Jersey? Isn’t that the kind of delusional, grandiose thinking that led to this problem in the first place?

  56. 56
    stuckinred says:

    I want to know what kind of crybaby motherfucker goes running to Cole with their “issues”?

  57. 57
  58. 58
    Calouste says:

    @Comrade Mary:

    @Morbo:

    Rule 4: There’s no rule 34.
    Rule 34: There’s no rule 4.

  59. 59
    Chad N Freude says:

    @biff diggerence:

    Now, when do we start calling each other “Bruce”.

    When we stop being lumberjacks.

  60. 60

    So does that mean EDK’s stalker gets let back into the pool?

  61. 61
    Montysano says:

    I’ve reposted and quoted from that Tbogg piece many times since it was posted. I linked to it just last night for a FB friend who is turning into Joe Beese. “Grow the fuck up” indeed.

    Rumbly-Tumbly Pupperoos FTW!

  62. 62

    […] Lighten Up, Francis: An Illustrated Guide to Balloon Juice Commenting Policy. […]

  63. 63
    AkaDad says:

    @Maude:

    Maybe. ;-)

    I was just looking for an excuse to use “knicker-twisted” and “fuck wad” in a comment.

  64. 64
    geg6 says:

    @Arclite:

    Yeah, I’m also sure there is no coincidence in you getting fucking thyroid cancer. None at all.

    /sarcasm

    I’d blame the huge number of breast cancers (in both females and males) in people with no family history here on Beaver Valley I and II (or the old Shippingport Atomic Power Plant they replaced), but the fact that we had a lead plant, a zinc plant, 3 coal-fired electrical plants, and at least 11 steel plants spewing all kinds of crap into the air until the Reagan years shut them all down (except two of the coal-fired plants) would make it hard to connect it to any one particular thing.

  65. 65
    Trinity says:

    I love you man.

    That is all.

  66. 66
    slag says:

    @Comrade Colette Collaboratrice: No, but I think that would be case for any state besides New Jersey. Even IARI would probably qualify as grandiose.

    Personally, however, I would have gone with IANJC just so people would then think I was JC and I’d be all deified, etc.

  67. 67
    Ruckus says:

    @soonergrunt:
    Have to agree.
    A punchline, especially properly delivered, is like frosting on the cake. Usually the best part.

  68. 68
    catclub says:

    At least we can still insult the necrophiliacs and the furries. My day would not be complete otherwise.

  69. 69
    Jade Jordan says:

    Yeah! We still get to make rude snarky comments about John Cole.

    Hate to burst your bubble but there will be poofters, it says so in the constitution (long form poofters).

  70. 70
    AnnaN says:

    Oh oh oh! Can we start a pool with guesses of WHO and WHEN gets first ban? All proceeds go to animal charities.

    And Tunch needs a catnip toy in the shape of a club with BANHAMMER written on it.

  71. 71
    cdmarine says:

    Randomness:
    I downloaded an app called “TuneIn Radio” (which is pretty great, BTW), but in the tiny print on my iPhone, it always looks like “Tunch Radio”. I’m trying to imagine what kind of app that would be.

  72. 72
    ColleenSTL says:

    So what does it say about me that the posts that make me laugh out loud are those in which you are telling us to go fuck ourselves? I love you, John Cole. Stay cracky!

  73. 73
    Sirkowski says:

    NEEDS MORE TUNCH

  74. 74
    drkrick says:

    @Arclite: I grew up near Three Mile Island. About 6 months after their “incident,” a friend had a premature baby. She had to go 100 miles to Philly to find an open bed in a ward for such cases. This was, to say the least, not the usual situation – there’s a big honking research hospital in Hershey that was usually more than able to absorb any overflow from the other area hospitals. But the NRC assures us there was no “statistically significant” increase in premature births or birth defects as a result of TMI. Sure.

  75. 75
    Bruce says:

    Mind if we call everyone Bruce to keep it clear?

  76. 76
    cyntax says:

    @ColleenSTL:

    So what does it say about me that the posts that make me laugh out loud are those in which you are telling us to go fuck ourselves?

    That you’ve found the right blog; that part ain’t ever gonna change.

  77. 77
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    What is with all the fucking rules, John? Is this really how we roll now?

  78. 78
    stuckinred says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Here’s a rule. Fuck you dork.

  79. 79
    singfoom says:

    Well, that solves that. I would only suggest one more rule. No, less of a rule, how about a community definition of troll?

    I’ve seen some disagreement here in various threads where some people thought someone was a troll but others didn’t.

    I’ll try not to feed the real ones.

  80. 80
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @stuckinred: Oh man, that was awesome. Can you make armpit farting noises too?

  81. 81
    Fuck U6: A More Accurate Measure of the Total Amount of Duck-Fuckery in the Economy says:

    Once you start making rules, you’ll never stop.

  82. 82
    cleek says:

    pie!
    eat my pie!

  83. 83
    schrodinger's cat says:

    @cleek: I would, but I am afraid it will increase my circumference.

  84. 84
    gypsy howell says:

    @geg6:

    At least you’re not living near #3. Like I am.

  85. 85
    Arclite says:

    @geg6: Yeesh, wow, that’s a lot of polluting industries in one place.

    As for my cancer, when I mention the above to Pro-nukers of any stripe, they all say I could have gotten that cancer anywhere. There’s no proof. Nukes are totally safe, blah, blah, blah.

  86. 86
    Woodrowfan says:

    Please, endeavor to neglect providing nourishment to the Bridge Substructure Symbionts

  87. 87

    what if one is omi paloni, not quite a poofter?

  88. 88
    cleek says:

    @geg6:
    woohoo!
    we’re #101!

    i feel so … safe.

  89. 89
    The Dangerman says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    Is this really how we roll now?

    That would be in the thread “Light ’em up, Francis”.

  90. 90
    justawriter says:

    There’s a blog that has copies of newspaper misprints and one of the latest entries is a phone that has “Caller IQ”. That would sooooo useful, doubly so if you could get it to work on the Internet.

  91. 91
    RosiesDad says:

    Geez, I didn’t think anyone could be too sensitive and stick around here for any period of time.

    I would say:
    1. Act like a fucking adult.
    2. Grow some thicker skin
    or
    3. Go someplace else.

    Don’t feed the trolls is always sage advice.

    I looked at cleek’s pie filter but I was afraid I’d fuck up my computer and I am also too lazy.

  92. 92
    Sentient Puddle says:

    @Arclite:

    As for my cancer, when I mention the above to Pro-nukers of any stripe, they all say I could have gotten that cancer anywhere. There’s no proof. Nukes are totally safe, blah, blah, blah.

    Well, near as I can tell from what you’ve said, there is indeed no proof.

  93. 93
    Susan says:

    I generally find the comments here hilarious and generally more entertaining than the blogs. I love coming here and often do not comment because I just cannot match the repartee.

  94. 94
    James K. Polk, Esq. says:

    This is going to be a might be confusing… mind if we call you Bruce?

  95. 95
    chopper says:

    don’t forget prime directive 4: (classified).

  96. 96
    Allan says:

    Hi John. I’m back. I’m pleased to see you step up to your role as blog owner. As I told you yesterday, it’s about the concept “Shadow of the Leader.” What you do, and what you tolerate, sets the tone for what is acceptable in the community you lead.

    I can be a part of a community that operates under these simple rules. I couldn’t continue to participate in what you had allowed your site to become. It really was that simple, no matter how hard you tried to puzzle out what “my problem” was, and no matter how much you read into my criticisms that I never said.

    Thank you for making a stand against racist, sexist and homophobic slurs. I look forward to being called an asshole again in public by you real soon.

  97. 97
    cathyx says:

    If you look at a map of the locations of all the nuclear reactors in the US, the eastern half of the country has most of them.

    http://www.nrc.gov/reactors/op.....ctors.html

  98. 98
    AkaDad says:

    @singfoom:

    I occasionally post as a ridiculously over-the-top Conservative, with the intention of getting someone to laugh or smile and sometimes people take it seriously, but I don’t consider that trolling.

    I’ve never gotten any complaints, but if that pisses anyone off, I’d like to know, so I can invoke Rule #2.

  99. 99
    MikeJ says:

    @Allan: Anyone who makes self important comments about what they can and can’t tolerate on somebody else’s blog should probably just fuck right off.

  100. 100
    singfoom says:

    @Allan: So you’re one of the delicate flowers that e-mailed Cole over offensive comments of others?

    Welcome to the internet, asshole.

  101. 101
    RosiesDad says:

    @geg6: I can see Limerick (#3) from my home and office.

    My wife grew up in Hershey and TMI is in her parents’ back yard.

    I’ve played golf at the Sunset Golf Club in Middletown. The tee box on #10 faces the cooling towers. Awesome and frightening all at the same time.

  102. 102
    Allan says:

    @MikeJ: @singfoom: Fuck you too, with a rusty pitchfork!

    It’s nice to be home.

  103. 103
    singfoom says:

    @AkaDad: No, it’s not that. Snark can usually be read. If it’s really abstract, one might put a snark tag on it.

    I’m more talking about concern trolls that will say they’re not trolling and then the community around them is split 50/50 on whether they’re actually trolling or not.

    That’s when it gets hard to define the troll.

  104. 104
    Tony J says:

    Does Rule 1 rule out “Unclefucker”?, or is it allowed under Option 3? How about “That’s a bunch of wormy quimage and you know it you unclefucking fistbouncer!”? I don’t use such phrases, but inquiring minds, etc.

    Isn’t this just the same perfectly functional banning system that has always operated here?

    That’s a good thing, BTW.

  105. 105
    James K. Polk, Esq. says:

    @Allan: Hilarious!

    Wait, you are serious?

    AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  106. 106
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    Great post, BTW, John. Loved the illustrations.

    FWIW tho, I’d just delete the whole fucking post after reading Allan’s comment. That preachy little shit can go die in a fire. I mean, WTF is this – backseat blogging?

  107. 107
    fasteddie9318 says:

    @Allan: Praise Allah Cole was able to find a way to ease your tender soul and keep you in the community. This place wouldn’t have been the same without you. Whoever you are.

  108. 108
    Allan says:

    @fasteddie9318: Likewise, stranger. I look forward to reading more of your insightful comments in the future.

  109. 109
    Josie says:

    @Allan: I surely hope that was snark, because otherwise it would be one of the prissiest comments I’ve ever read.

  110. 110
    Allan says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: I’ve missed you too, snugglebuns.

  111. 111
    Allan says:

    @Josie: You must not follow Glenn Greenwald.

  112. 112
    fasteddie9318 says:

    @Allan:

    I look forward to reading more of your insightful comments in the future.

    Oh my, no, I don’t post here anymore. I’m too upset with Cole over the way he runs this place, but I’m sure he’s been consumed with trying to figure out how to make me happy again so I look forward to making a triumphant return just as soon as he figures out my special problem and devises a solution just to bring me back.

  113. 113
    Josie says:

    @Allan: No, for obvious reasons.

  114. 114
    singfoom says:

    Hi John. I’m back. I’m pleased to see you step up to your role as blog owner. As I told you yesterday, it’s about the concept “Being A Giant Asshole on The Internet.” What I do, and what I tolerate, sets the tone for what is acceptable on your blog.

    I can be a part of a community that operates under these simple rules. I couldn’t continue to participate in a normal comments section with some offensive posters. It really was that simple, no matter how hard you tried to puzzle out what “my problem” was. You see John, my problem is that I’m an incredibly entitled asshole and I want you to tailor your blog for me.

    Thank you for having a blog that I can dictate the terms of behavior on. I look forward to being a giant fucking asshole with an entitlement horizon that borders on the gravity well of the sun.

    I promise to write you an e-mail whining about bullshit on the internet next time my fee fees are hurt.

  115. 115
    Triassic Sands says:

    Since #3 violates #1, why hasn’t this post been deleted and the author warned?

  116. 116
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @Allan: Yer a douchebag and I’m considering using up my first warning right now.

  117. 117
    stuckinred says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Le me know if I can help.

  118. 118
    sweetgreensnowpea says:

    this and “somethings got to give”
    2 of your best.
    choose your battles!
    and i go with the rainbows and unicorns (they’re like magic dogs, right?).

  119. 119
    poofter says:

    Oh damn. Well, uh, goodbye.

  120. 120
    licensed to kill time says:

    ♪♫ Who’s so vain, they prolly think this blog is about them? ♪♫

  121. 121
    The Dangerman says:

    OT, but does Bruce Pearl still have a job? I’m almost basketballed out for the day, but just saw the score. Damn!

  122. 122
  123. 123
    stuckinred says:

    @The Dangerman: see the George Mason finish?

  124. 124
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    I apologize for comment #315 in the Something Has To Give thread. I thought it was all of you. I didn’t realize it was a commenter no one even likes and didn’t even know was gone.

    Jesus, I feel about this tall now.

  125. 125
    Svensker says:

    @Susan:

    I love coming here and often do not comment because I just cannot match the repartee.

    That’s never stopped me.

  126. 126
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @stuckinred: What happened?

  127. 127
    Chris Grrr™ says:

    Always look on the lighter-than-air side of life.

  128. 128
    Yevgraf (fka Michael) says:

    How far does the sexist thing go? Does “I’d hit it” regarding an attractive, semi-attractive or butt-ugly but hot-at-closing-time-for-a-desperate-guy woman count as a sexist comment?

  129. 129
    stuckinred says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    CLEVELAND — Luke Hancock hit a 3-pointer with 21 seconds left, capping George Mason’s comeback and keeping the one-time March darlings playing with a 61-57 win over Villanova in the second round of the NCAA tournament.

  130. 130
    Alex S. says:

    this blog is always epic, hehe

  131. 131
    The Dangerman says:

    @stuckinred:

    see the George Mason finish?

    Twas a good one. I think that’s the game the ref swallowed the whistle on a late charge/block call, else a fantastic finish.

    I think the Arizona Memphis game was finally where I OD’d on ball; I think it’s a terrible mistake to foul when up 3 as it leads to the possibility of losing on a kick out and a 3. As an Arizona non-fan, I would have laughed…

    Edit: Typically, I burnout on ball around Sunday of the first weekend; I think this new telecasting scheme where I can watch 2 or 3 games fairly well concurrently put me under the table quicker.

  132. 132
    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice says:

    @Bruce: That’s “Comrade” Bruce to you, pal.

  133. 133
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @stuckinred: Thank you for that good news. I’m in a death match with the Controller at work.

  134. 134
    stuckinred says:

    @The Dangerman: Both my teams, Illinois and Georgia play in the late games so I’m in for the duration.

  135. 135
  136. 136
    Ruckus says:

    Blow Me

    I like it. Direct and to the point. Useful in so many situations. Used properly in person and with perfect timing may actually produce satisfaction. On multiple levels.

  137. 137
    Cris says:

    PZ Myers coined an acronym based on that xkcd cartoon, which constitutes my only submission to the Urban Dictionary.
    SIWOTI

  138. 138
    NineJean says:

    {..giggle..}

    As usual, I’m about four hours late & a benjie short… but I’ll say that it’s about time you cracked the proverbial whip!

    …looks like all the usual suspects here are about +3 or so this evening…

    ETA:moderation??? What did I say?

    {…sigh…}

  139. 139
    Cris says:

    @The Dangerman: I think it’s a terrible mistake to foul when up 3 as it leads to the possibility of losing on a kick out and a 3.

    Not to mention, when it pays off it feels like winning on a technicality. It’s perfectly within the rules, but as Fezzik said, it’s not very sportsmanlike.

  140. 140
    AkaDad says:

    @Yevgraf (fka Michael):

    Saying “I’d hit it” can be interpreted to be demeaning and disrespectful. I’m sensitive to women’s feelings which is why I stay classy and respectful by saying, “I’d tap that ass!”

    P.S. Yes ladies, I am single.

  141. 141
    stuckinred says:

    @Cris: Georgia had a 3 pt lead on Florida with 4 secs to go, Gators ball on the far baseline. Dude dribbled 3/4 court and nailed a 3. Gators killed us in OT. Technicality my ass, foul.

  142. 142
    stuckinred says:

    Rules, in a knife fight?

  143. 143
  144. 144
    The Dangerman says:

    @Cris:

    Not to mention, when it pays off it feels like winning on a technicality. It’s perfectly within the rules, but as Fezzik said, it’s not very sportsmanlike.

    True, its a chickenshit tactic…

    …and in that case, the non-intentional intentional (or is it intentional non-intentional?) was a push in the back and could have been called intentional. Two shots and the ball. Yeah, that call is almost never made, but…

  145. 145
    South of I-10 says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Impressive rant Fuckhead.

  146. 146
    skippy says:

    @john cole: a funnier (imo) and less confusing ( vis-a-vis your own rules) reference to the bruces sketch would have been:

    rule number six: there is no….rule number six!

  147. 147
    Fuck U6: A More Accurate Measure of the Total Amount of Duck-Fuckery in the Economy says:

    Knife fight? More like a session with those padded aggression therapy mallets.

  148. 148
    FlipYrWhig says:

    Um, I thought the point of the “rules” was that the rules were self-contradictory, meaning that there were no rules beyond “Don’t act like a douchebag, or at least only as much as the threshold established by the rest of us.” Did I misunderstand as snark what was intended earnestly?

  149. 149
    skippy says:

    aw, frak, now that i actually rad the comments, i see that a dozen or so people beat me to rule number six.

    never mind.

  150. 150
    NineJean says:

    {…sigh…} again. Moderation.

    Seriously, this is one of maybe a dozen blogs I read regularly; most of them I don’t even read the comments, much less even consider adding a comment to. Given my somewhat topsy schedule and the fact that I’m a pretty slow writer, I usually don’t get my two cents’ worth in until about a hundred and two –more or less– beat me to it. But still, I read. And actually learn something, once in a while…

  151. 151
    Cris says:

    @The Dangerman: Yeah, that call is almost never made, but…

    I have the feeling it’s almost never made because the refs don’t want to tip the outcome quite that blatantly. The fact is, the majority of personal fouls that happen in the final minute of a close game are “intentional,” at least in the casual sense of the word. Not necessarily flagrant, but obviously intentional.

  152. 152
    stuckinred says:

    @kdaug: God I’m old.

  153. 153
  154. 154

    @Allan: lets try this approach.

    did you at least try to talk to the people you thought were offensive? or did you run to tell john?

    if its the later, you pretty much blew your chance to explain yourself to anyone but john. and since you don’t think john is the problem, well…

    you see, if you had asked the person or persons who made the comment for context, a simple wtf would suffice, or you could try and explain why you were offended.

    they may not give a shit, but at least its their choice, and your chance to actually address the issue you have with what they said.and you may find that either no offense was meant, there was a context that didn’t occur to you, or even a context by which they may regret the comment.

    you decided on your own that everyone saying things you don’t like was incorrigibly racist,sexist, and homophobic. that all you could do about them, was cry to john….

    sad really.

  155. 155
    Cris says:

    @FlipYrWhig: meaning that there were no rules beyond “Don’t act like a douchebag, or at least only as much as the threshold established by the rest of us.”

    The Something Awful forums official rules are pretty much to that effect. Paraphrasing, because I can’t load the page from the office, but their rules say something like “The rules come down to ‘Don’t be an asshole.’ Everything else on this page is details.”

    And I especially appreciate the one where they say “We enforce the spirit of the law, not the letter. If you think you’ve found a clever way to get around the rules on a technicality, you’re wrong.”

  156. 156
    stuckinred says:

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: Yea, me an justsomefuckhead worked it out!

  157. 157
    cynickal says:

    I’m offended!

  158. 158
    Splitting Image says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    Jesus, I feel about this tall now.

    If it makes you feel any better, I’m using large fonts, so you’re still pretty big in my eyes.

  159. 159
    Donald G says:

    Puts on Eric Idle voice:

    “This here’s the wattle,
    the emblem of our land.
    You can stick it in a bottle.
    You can hold it in your hand.”

  160. 160
    eemom says:

    er, Cole, those “simple” rules are rife with ambiguities and conflicting interpretations.

    Go ahead and make fun of us lawyers — we’re gonna be laughing our asses off when y’all start fighting over what counts as racist/sexist/homophobic.

    My guess is there will be MORE e-mails, not less.

  161. 161
    Tonal Crow says:

    @biff diggerence:

    Now, when do we start calling each other “Bruce”.

    Don’t bring me down…Bruce!

  162. 162
    stuckinred says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Did you really say this?

    PhD. Get it? No one else climbs up on a high horse when someone offers someone else medical advice and points out they aren’t a doctor.

    Did you ever hear the extended Car Talk on this subject?

  163. 163
    FlipYrWhig says:

    I for one eagerly await the policy on what qualifies as “triggering.” Quash offensive remarks before they even succeed in offending even one hypothetical person! It’ll be like the Balloon-Juice No-Fly Zone!

  164. 164
    Yevgraf (fka Michael) says:

    @AkaDad:

    I’m sensitive to women’s feelings which is why I stay classy and respectful by saying, “I’d tap that ass!”

    And make sure you demonstrate your commitment to eliminating the patriarchy for the benefit of all womynkynd by adding the words

    “…like Mike Tyson hitting a speedbag.”

    Nothing says respect like that.

  165. 165
    kdaug says:

    @stuckinred: No sweat. Just put on your fighting trousers.

  166. 166
    stuckinred says:

    @kdaug:
    Put on your high heel sneakers
    wear your wig hat on yo head. . .

  167. 167

    i thought fuckhead’s rant was pretty epic, he did make some points.

  168. 168
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @stuckinred:

    Did you ever hear the extended Car Talk on this subject?

    No, what’d I miss?

  169. 169

    @eemom:

    can i put one of the bjuice lawyers on e-retainer for some of the offensive things i will undoubtedly say in the very near future?

  170. 170
    Allan says:

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: Hi, and thanks for asking, though I see you’ve already given a great deal of thought to what you presume I did, and why.

    Perhaps if you had just asked, instead of concocting a scenario designed to make me wrong, you could have saved yourself a great deal of typing.

    I complained to John about m_c, especially after her one-week suspension elapsed and she resumed derailing every thread and making it all about her, particularly in E.D.’s posts. He advised me to pie her, a solution which I rejected because 1) I won’t install special software on my computer to do the work of eliminating toxic derailers that the blog owner is shirking, and 2) pieing the offenders is not sufficient as the other comments will still mostly be about, or responses to, the offender, thus the threads are still hijacked.

    So I told John I wouldn’t be back until he banned m_c, and left.

    Yesterday, I became aware through friends that another front-pager was being bullied by people who were exercising their white male privilege by offensively renaming her and encouraging others to adopt said offensive renaming, and I was moved to email John about it.

    In his response to me, he informed me that he had banned m_c, and I thanked him for that, but cautioned that the bullying was still out of hand, and as I noted above, it reflected negatively on him.

    So today I learned that John had stepped up to his responsibility as blog owner and drawn clear, simple rules, and also made it clear, where it was not before, that his other front-pagers are likewise empowered to enforce them.

    And so I returned, and thanked him for doing so.

    You may want to think I am the only person who ever shared any feedback to John about the state of his comments threads, but I know that I am not. And no matter how curmudgeonly the tone with which he expressed the above rules, I am extremely grateful to him for reflecting on the feedback he has received from others and acting on it.

    And so I’m back, and by divulging that I was one of the people who offered John helpful feedback, I am now being targeted by bullies who believe that my acknowledgement marks me as a prime target for their bullying. In this way, the bullies are helping me illustrate my point for the benefit of the many fine readers of good will who are watching the interactions.

    You see, I’m an asshole, but I’m an on-topic asshole who also tries to contribute useful information to threads when I can. And I don’t make a habit of bullying other people, nor do I tolerate bullying when I see it, whether or not it is directed at me.

  171. 171
    Ash Can says:

    DON’T LIKE MY BLOGGING?
    PHONE 1-800-EAT-SHIT

    (ETA: Now watch someone actually try to contact that number now that it’s done that automatic Skype thingy.)

  172. 172
    EIGRP says:

    @PeakVT: Don’t forget the ones that are not on salt water, like Ginna NPP on Lake Ontario, just northeast of Rochester, NY. I’m in the suburbs, about 25 miles away.

    Eric

  173. 173
    different church-lady says:

    Considering you have two references to xkcd in here, I have a suggestion: commission Randall to come up with one of his brilliantly creative solutions to the problem. An example here.

  174. 174
    Ruckus says:

    @Allan:

    That wooshing sound you just heard is the point flying past your head at Mach 5.

  175. 175

    @Allan:

    all i am going to say is, assume until otherwise indicated, that people who post more than once, especially front pagers, can defend themselves, if they deem it necessary.

    as far as said banned person, i honestly missed most of that, so i won’t comment on what i don’t know, but i trust that what happened was administered fairly, after john’s own evaluation.

    he doesn’t need a mole in the commenting section to see what was apparently obvious to many.

  176. 176
    different church-lady says:

    @Calouste: That’s Catch 34, not Rule 34.

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal:

    …i won’t comment on what i don’t know…

    Isn’t that breaking with damn near every internet tradition there is?

  177. 177
    Allan says:

    @Ruckus: What? You mean the one where I’m supposed to address my feedback to the persons making offensive comments, rather than to the blog owner, who provides a link to his email at the top of the page?

    Perhaps you’re not familiar with my participation in the comments threads, but I give as good as I get. My parting two comments to m_c before I left suggested that she 1) clean out her ear-wax with a chainsaw; and 2) drink a gallon of battery acid.

    It’s John’s blog, and he will do as he sees fit. As he has by clarifying his rules. I can endorse those rules, and so I am happy to be here. I honestly can’t understand why that would bother anyone, but I look forward to having it explained to me in detail.

  178. 178
    General Stuck says:

    @Ash Can:

    DON’T LIKE MY BLOGGING?
    PHONE 1-800-EAT-SHIT

    (ETA: Now watch someone actually try to contact that number now that it’s done that automatic Skype thingy.)

    That’s alright, my answering service is forwarded to Hell.

  179. 179
    Corner Stone says:

    @Allan:

    My parting two comments to m_c before I left suggested that she 1) clean out her ear-wax with a chainsaw; and 2) drink a gallon of battery acid.

    Wow. Snappy. Did you also inform her that her mother wears trousers?

  180. 180
    licensed to kill time says:

    The blog police, they live inside of my head
    The blog police, they come to me in my bed
    The blog police, they’re coming to arrest me, oh, no

    You know that talk is cheap
    And those rumors ain’t nice
    And when I fall asleep
    I don’t think I’ll survive the night, the night

    ‘Cause they’re waiting for me
    They’re looking for me
    Every single night
    They’re driving me insane
    Those men inside my brain

    Well, I can’t tell lies
    ‘Cause they’re listening to me
    And when I fall asleep
    Bet they’re spying on me tonight, tonight

    The blog police, they live inside of my head (live inside of my head)
    The blog police, they come to me in my bed (come to me in my bed)
    The blog police, they’re coming to arrest me

    Oh noes!

  181. 181
    AkaDad says:

    @Allan:

    The great thing about America is that people like you, who think banning peoples free speech is a good thing, and people like me who love freedom, can coexist together peacefully.

    And while some people may question your level of patriotism, I certainly won’t.

  182. 182
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal:

    i thought fuckhead’s rant was pretty epic, he did make some points.

    Sigh. I was actually going for laughs that time.

  183. 183
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal:

    can i put one of the bjuice lawyers on e-retainer for some of the offensive things i will undoubtedly say in the very near future?

    Just stay low and near me.

  184. 184
    asiangrrlMN says:

    Thanks, Cole. I appreciate this.

  185. 185
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    Alright, having read Allan’s long reply to Fucen Pneumeifkj Feodjgfh WWoifjf WHherrre, I’m just gonna say it out loud. I’d rather have three m_c’s derailing every thread – no frontpage posting – than have to listen to that prissy little douchebag Allan lecture one more person.

    For that, I only apologize to Kain, who seems like a decent person despite his closet crusading for a glibertarian agenda.

  186. 186
    Ruckus says:

    I love it when a plan comes together.

  187. 187
    Allan says:

    @AkaDad: I don’t question your patriotism, Dad, but I do question your comprehension of the First Amendment.

  188. 188
    AnotherBruce says:

    I hate poofters.

  189. 189
    General Stuck says:

    The only person I have requested to be banned, was me.

    That is one up on all you fuckers in the selfish selflessness department. Ummph! He got the Mercedes Benz!

    I got to build me a new cross. This one got termites.

    and, of course.

    Have a nice motherfucking day!

  190. 190
    Allan says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: I see you’ve settled on option 2 from John’s menu, but considering how poorly you do it, 1 or 3 might have been a better choice.

  191. 191
    AnotherBruce says:

    @Bruce: I couldn’t agree more.

  192. 192
    Judas Escargot (aka no lettuce shall be left unpenetrated) says:

    @Corner Stone:

    Did you also inform her that her mother wears trousers?

    BTW, this insult is much more effective if you make sure to pronounce it ‘troozers!’, as loudly as possible, in your best fake Scots brogue*.

    (Just trying to help some friends out to celebrate our new era of peace and harmony).

    *Any actual Scotsmen who may be reading this are strongly advised to ignore this (for them) completely useless piece of advice.

  193. 193
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @Allan: It’s a crying shame for you that the handle “Church Lady” is already taken.

  194. 194
    Allan says:

    @Corner Stone: No, because I prefer to offer solutions instead of insults. If only she had taken my advice.

  195. 195
  196. 196
    General Stuck says:

    What about Rule 6?

    It is I’m always right and your always wrong.

    And rule number 7 is grammar Nazi’s can DIAF

  197. 197
    Allan says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Again, Options 1 and 3 are staring you right in the face, waving their hands, saying “Pick me! Pick me! You suck at Option 2!”

  198. 198
    AkaDad says:

    @Allan:

    Wow. After I went out of my way not to question your patriotism, you go all Bin Laden on me.

    That clears the offensive hurdle where I have no choice but to e-mail John and invoke that favor he owes me.

  199. 199
    WaterGirl says:

    I find myself reminded of my dad, who used to wander down the hall when things got out of hand with his 3 daughters and calmly ask “why can’t you kids just get along?” He’s been gone for more than 15 years, but I can see it in my head and hear it as if it was yesterday.

    We’re all on edge, for reasons that are so obvious I don’t think I even have to name them, and it seems to me that the tension is playing out here at BJ. It’s like we need a big thunderstorm to finally break so it clears the air.

  200. 200
    different church-lady says:

    @ Allan AND Just Some Fuckhead: Symbiotic relationship — Google it, MoFos.

  201. 201
    Mnemosyne says:

    @geg6:

    I was going to say, “Oh, you’re just being paranoid, Pennsylvania almost never gets earthquakes.”

    And then I remembered, oh, yeah, you guys have been dealing with a mysterious rash of earthquakes.

  202. 202
    moe99 says:

    @stuckinred: Well my brackets were shot when Louisville lost to Morehead State in the first round.

  203. 203
    Allan says:

    @AkaDad: I recommend Option 4 for you. You appear to already live there.

  204. 204

    @AnnaN: I’m not saying I’ll take bribes, but all “donations” can be mailed to Angry Black, Inc. 123 Jackwagon Trail, Anytown, USA 12345678.

  205. 205
    AnotherBruce says:

    @General Stuck:

    And rule number 7 is grammar Nazi’s can DIAF

    No need for an apostrophe, because you used nazis in the plural sense.

  206. 206
    alwhite says:

    I admit it. I am a sockpuppet. I feel I have to be. I contract for a living and I know that, while the chances are small, there is a chance that my smart mouth and political beliefs could keep me from opportunities. Sorry, I will keep my name secret and not feel bad about it. I even ave a sockpuppet facebook account. But I am consistent within my sockpuppet, I do not have multiple ids to support myself.

    But really, are we all such delicate flowers here that we can’t take trolls, asshole or people saying unkind shit (justified or not) about us. Grow a pair (oh, sorry thats sexist!)

  207. 207
    General Stuck says:

    @AnotherBruce:

    No need for an apostrophe, because you used nazis in the plural sense.

    That’s a rule 7 violation Mr. Smarty Pants. Call it a grammar speed trap./ 50 dollars. Next case.

  208. 208
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @AkaDad: It wasn’t that big a favor.

  209. 209
    eemom says:

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal:

    can i put one of the bjuice lawyers on e-retainer for some of the offensive things i will undoubtedly say in the very near future?

    in fact that was precisely what I had in mind. Call 1-800-ESQ-TROL, or visit our website at http://www.advocates4assholes.com

  210. 210
    Viva BrisVegas says:

    As a distinguished graduate of the University of Woolloomooloo, I find I must take exception to the unfair characterisation of my fellow alumni. It is absurd to suggest that everyone on campus is called Bruce, as I know for a fact that several of the sheilas do in fact have names which are not Bruce. Although the details escape me at present.

    It is also untrue that the faculty spend their time lounging around guzzling cans of beer. It is well known on campus that canned beer is distinctly declasse and hence bottled beer outsells it more than five to one. Consumption of beer via can is limited to the more jejune undergraduates.

    While it is true that our philosophy department has recently been revamped and the picturesque practice of micturating on the heads of passing students from the top window of the faculty building is no longer encouraged, we continue our tradition of excellence in the study of Modern Philosophy through the works of Ponting, Khawaja, Bollinger, and of course Beer.

    It cannot be stressed enough that the rule, no poofters, has no place in our multicultural, gender inclusive campus. As of last Tuesday the term “poofter” is no longer permitted on campus and henceforth only the terms “full tosser”, “willy wonker” and “tackle tugger” are deemed acceptable in referring to our gender confused colleagues.

    I hope I have disabused the many readers here of their false preconceptions regarding the University of Woolloomooloo and that in future you will consider it for all your educational needs.

  211. 211
    Omnes Omnibus says:

    @alwhite:It sounds to me like you have a pseudonym designed to maintain personal anonymity not that you are a sock puppet.

  212. 212
    Christian Sieber says:

    This is the best blog on the whole Internet. Thanks a million John.

  213. 213
    poq says:

    wattle

  214. 214
    Woodrowfan says:

    let’s see, we have references to Monty Python (multiple), Cheap Trick, Rule 34, XKCD, Pibgorn, Aware Of All Internet Traditions, Butch Cassidy, and Saturday Night Live. I say, let’s play cultural reference bingo!!! 8-)

  215. 215
    poq says:

    Tatlin’s Constructivist tower

  216. 216
    poq says:

    Shot in the head in a bar in Bucharest

  217. 217
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @different church-lady:

    @ Allan AND Just Some Fuckhead: Symbiotic relationship—Google it, MoFos.

    Gimme a break. I didn’t even know who the fucker was until today.

  218. 218
    Cassidy says:

    @Allan: Someone is familiar with all internet traditions.

  219. 219
    Mnemosyne says:

    @alwhite:

    To be a sockpuppet, you have to have multiple personalities that all agree with you. Think Shari Lewis and Lambchop.

    What you are is pseudonymous.

  220. 220
    mellowjohn says:

    @biff diggerence:
    in case no one’s already said it, bruce, monty python references are always exempt.
    keep looking on the bright side of life.

  221. 221
    TooManyJens says:

    @moe99: Given the way WP modules seem to break around here, I can only assume that if they tried to install a disemvowelling module, it would somehow cause all comments to randomly show up on McMegan’s blog or Gin and Tacos or something.

  222. 222
    soonergrunt says:

    @Uncle Clarence Thomas: But you’re a stupid bastard.

  223. 223
    General Stuck says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    What you are is pseudonymous.

    Or, false persona for the spelling impaired.

  224. 224
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @soonergrunt:

    But you’re a stupid bastard

    Don’t listen to him, Uncle Clarence. You’re gold.

  225. 225
    brad says:

    The odd, at least to me, result of all this drama is I’m now far more motivated to wade into the comments here and participate in them. If assholes and the occasional paid troll feel a need to disrupt the discussions then they must be worth reading and participating in.
    (And without having a real clue as to whats been going on, in my experience of the internet disruption of a healthy community is the underlying goal of most trolls, the rare genuinely mentally ill nut or extreme bigot aside. Good people sharing laughs and wisdom offends a troll’s sense of exclusion from humanity, and causes them to want to fuck it up. Interacting with others in a positive way is a talent they lack, so they try to prevent people from doing so. Sometimes remembering that makes it easier to ignore them, tho not always.)
    Anyway, hi everyone, I’m brad, and I’m a political junkie.

  226. 226

    There are comments here?

  227. 227
    Ruckus says:

    We need a new internet term.

    Troll Density

  228. 228
    Fourlegsgood says:

    I’m good with the new commenting policy…. Except….ZOMG…. U said nothing about bacon!!!!

    I’m not sure how I will live.

  229. 229
    mcd410x says:

    “If you can’t handle someone on the internet making smartass remarks or don’t have the ability to ignore them or deal with them, I have no idea how you function in society.”

    They can’t function in society, dude, that’s why they’re here!

  230. 230
    Allan says:

    So who here had Just Some Fuckhead in the “who will be the first banned” pool?

    Stop by the “Something’s Got to Give” thread and collect your winnings.

  231. 231
    Mayken says:

    @geg6: Central Coast (CA) residents have been protesting against Diablo Canyon for decades now – all of our concerns were poo-pooed for years. Even when the sea wall supposed to protect the plant from major storms fell apart in, you guessed it, the very first storm of the season after completion…

    It’s kinda nice to get real confirmation we were right but I am not holding my breath over the NRC forcing PG&E to DO anything about it.

  232. 232
    General Stuck says:

    Just for the record, for those wondering. I’m not really a General, but my momma did name me Stuck. It happened during delivery, when the doc said push, momma hollered. Motherfucker is Stuck. The rest is hysteria.

  233. 233
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    Thanks for unretiring Stuck. We may hate each other but.. I can’t come up with anything nice sounding here. Sorry.

  234. 234
    Allan says:

    @General Stuck: Thanks for clearing that up. I was never sure if I should stand at attention when you entered.

  235. 235
    General Stuck says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    Thanks for unretiring Stuck.

    Allow me to clarify. When I say “mostly” retired from blogging”, I mean arguing with idiots on the internet over whether Obama is the anti Christ.

    I can’t retire from snark, or the ever present and insatiable need to tell lame jokes, and read them from others. The show must go on in that regard, in all it’s vanity. About the hating each other, at least we agree on something. We’ll always have that.

  236. 236
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @General Stuck: I think yer doing the right thing. I’ve always admired yer snark, back when you used to do it.

  237. 237
    General Stuck says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead:

    I think yer doing the right thing. I’ve always admired yer snark, back when you used to do it.

    I breathe for your approval, fuckhead. It completes me.

  238. 238
    Steeplejack says:

    @Suffern ACE:

    That guy should get a job with the Wiggles. If they ever decide to go non-whitey-white-McWhite, that is.

  239. 239
    Steeplejack says:

    @jinxtigr:

    It calls out for Shatner.

  240. 240
    scav says:

    whew, that Allen sure has got a world-class lock on the tight-sphincter prissy-aunt position we didn’t know we needed.

  241. 241
    Allan says:

    @scav: If you’re going to try (and fail) to insult me, you could at least spell my name correctly. Or perhaps that’s beyond your capacity as well.

  242. 242
  243. 243
    scav says:

    @Allan: Actually, you’re not much worth the effort of addressing correctly.

  244. 244
    Steeplejack says:

    @Allan:

    DougJ? Is that you?

  245. 245
    Allan says:

    @scav: And yet, here you are talking to me. Try Rule #1. Really. It’s not hard, unless you’re an agressive bullying asshole who must have the last word in every online dispute.

  246. 246
    Allan says:

    @Steeplejack: No. If you’re interested in who I am, it’s too bad you weren’t here a few hours ago when another BJer linked to my work website in an effort to bully me. That comment is gone now, thanks to our host’s enforcement of Rule #2.

  247. 247
    scav says:

    Vampire. The lack of reflection, let alone self-reflection, is a clear give-away.

  248. 248

    @eemom:

    excellent. i will rest better knowing that i have competent and empathetic representation.

  249. 249
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @scav: It’s like a crazy acid train wreck.

  250. 250
    Anne Laurie says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: Hall monitor. The last volunteer for the brown sash ‘ombudsman position’ having successfully marketed themselves into a paying gig, someone saw a void crying out to be filled. Not for the attention, mind you — just as a public service.

  251. 251
    Allan says:

    @Just Some Fuckhead: I’m still waiting for JustSomeFuckheadapocalypse to strike. Can you at least give me a hint as to when you will execute your revenge on me? I’d like to make sure I’m dressed appropriately for it…

  252. 252
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    @Anne Laurie: I may have to ban myself. Sorry. (cheese-eating and yet very slightly sheepish grin)

  253. 253
    soonergrunt says:

    @Steeplejack: That would be fucking epic.

  254. 254
    Thymezone says:

    Bunch of goddam fartknockers.

  255. 255
    4jkb4ia says:

    @stuckinred:

    You would be surprised. Oh, that’s not the sort of issues you are talking about.

    (The kind of love you’re dreaming about takes place on mossy banks, amid the scent of flowers and the song of birds. Or else in luxurious chambers, where you loll on a chaise longue, and I take off your clothes very slowly until we melt into a union of intolerable sweetness, and not a giggle or a really kind word spoken the whole time, It’s the giggles and the kind words that you need for the long voyage.)

    (Oh, wait)
    (with apologies to Robertson Davies, whose quote that is)

    And that is Balloon Juice. The giggles and the kind words. Much more so than the random assholery.

  256. 256
    4jkb4ia says:

    John has ignored me since 2008. If he is ignoring me now with a different blank and glazed expression, that’s a shame, because there might be a situation when I was 100% right and he was 100% wrong. But I actually agree with him 90% of the time, so there.

  257. 257
    4jkb4ia says:

    John–you won’t read this–but another Robertson Davies quote–I love you for the splendid thing you are, in your own world of splendid things–the context of which was to turn down a love affair, going to bed and all that. Whatever romantic hopes I have left over, they don’t amount to John Cole. That was always nonsense.

    I saw in the comments at Nice Jewish Girl someone saying “The lizard brain wants what it wants”. That struck me because the whole definition of the lizard brain is that I cannot control it. But I can protect YOU from it. You’re a good man. None of the things I thought were your fault.

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