Valentine’s Day?

Already? Again?  Fuck.

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Whelp, it’s that time of year, people.   Valentine’s Hallmark Day is right around the corner!

Here’s to spending a dumb amount of money to buy your significant other crap s/he probably doesn’t even want. Here’s to corporate America attempting to brainwash you into thinking that your boyfriend doesn’t love you unless he buys you some flowers that will see the inside of a trash bin within a week. Here’s to DeBeer’s making you believe that if he really loved you, he’d buy you a diamond. Diamonds that, according to the Gospel of Leonardo DiCaprio, have the blood of Africans on them.

Think about this… how many women do you know who get showered with presents, but whose boyfriends are complete and total douche bags?  How many Valentine’s Day gifts have you gotten from old boyfriends whose names you can’t even remember or whose names you wish you could forget?   Can’t remember?  That’s my point.

Now, I’m not saying that unexpected little gifts, expressions of love, affection, a home cooked dinner, whatever are not appreciated.  That unexpected crap is appreciated whether it comes on February 14 or any other day.  But the “buy me flowers and buy them for me today” shit is lame.  Suppressing the urge to feel like your relationship must be shitty because Janey in cubicle B, got a $150 bouquet of craptastic flowers and you didn’t is lame.  The forced-ness removes all semblance of real emotion and meaning.

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Making that special someone feel guilty because he didn’t spend 100 bucks on flowers is lame.  Pretending you won’t get mad:

“Don’t get me anything.  It’s not necessary.”

when you really are hoping for something:

“He better get me something!”

and then getting mad when you don’t get shit is lame:

“What an asshole! I can’t believe he didn’t get me anything!”

As my friend once said to me,

“I just got fuckin’ flowers.  I don’t need anymore fuckin’ flowers.”

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You know what’s even more lame?  People who send flowers to themselves.  As if being single is such a horrific embarrassment that it is the shame that dare not speak its name.  Unless, you’re just trying to make that  cute boy sitting next to you think you have a boyfriend so he’ll be jealous.  That is totally awesome.  And also a major plot point in Clueless.  But I digress.

Back in the day (which, according to this supersweet “Back in the day” calculator is 1978), I used to like Valentine’s Day.  My mom always used to send me a funny card.  And I like funny cards.  Especially from my mom.  Now I think she knows I’m pissed off and she don’t send me shit no mo’.

But, remember in elementary school, you’d get those little candy hearts that say stupid shit on them and you’d make homemade cards for other kids in your class?  And everyone got one (although I didn’t get that many because I was kind of a dork in elementary school).  But it was nice.  Everyone could participate.  And the cards were cool because people made them by hand.  Little doilies pasted on red construction paper and shit.

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Now everything is BUY, BUY, BUY.   Diamonds, and HDTVs, and iPods, and iPhones, oh my!

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The buy, buy, buy mentality and the abject commercialism of all holidays is highly annoying.   Jesus died for your sins (not mine… my mom’s a Jew… her people killed Jesus) so let’s all celebrate his birth by going to Target and buying lots of crap.  I say this with the utmost respect for Targé.  I loves me some Targé.  The prices!  The savings!

Hell, Starbucks started selling pink mugs and teacups with hearts and shit on them right after the New Year.  Of course, starting on the day after VD, it’s out with the hearts and pink shit, and in with the eggs and pastel colors to celebrate the resurrection of a chocolate bunny birthed from a Cadbury egg.

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Do bunnies even come from eggs? Which came first?  The bunny or the egg?  What the fuck does Easter have to do with eggs or chocolate?  These are eternal questions.

The only holiday that isn’t overly commercial and annoying?  Thanksgiving.

That’s a Phelpsian stony holiday right there.  Eating for 8 hours straight?  Then passing out in a tryptophan haze?  Who doesn’t love that?    No one.  That’s who.

All of the above said, I’m going to make myself a nice cup of tea in the pink heartsy tea cup that I bought myself from Starbucks.

That’s what Valentine’s Day should be about.  Tell your significant other “I love me” and then buy yourself some shit with hearts on it.

[I wrote this two years ago.  It’s still relevant.  I recognize that it is written from a heteronormative point of view.  ::shrug::  Happy Hallmark Day, Balloonbaggers! -xx, ABL]

150 replies
  1. 1
    Svensker says:

    Hey,on this day once a year the hubster is forced to buy me the cheap shit chocolate covered cherries that I love more than any other chocolate/sugar thing in the known universe but am not allowed to eat the rest of the year. (The expensive ones don’t taste anywhere as deliriously good yet disgusting as the drugstore brands do.) Don’t harsh my mellow, KWIM?

  2. 2
    malraux says:

    What bugs me personally about valentines day is suddenly the supermarket is flooded with guys, all of whom have to use the self checkout autoscanners and clearly have no idea how the machine works.

    That and the bizarre idea that I need to buy out of season flower en-mass.

  3. 3
    DougJ® says:

    But, remember in elementary school, you’d get those little candy hearts that say stupid shit on them and you’d make homemade cards for other kids in your class? And everyone got one (although I didn’t get that many because I was kind of a dork in elementary school). But it was nice. Everyone could participate. And the cards were cool because people made them by hand. Little doilies pasted on red construction paper and shit.

    I agree, that was nice.

  4. 4
    MikeJ says:

    I was going to ask ABL to be my valentine, but I’m glad I didn’t get the chance to piss her off more.

    My decorated shoebox mailbox is on the edge of my desk if anybody wants to choo choo choose me.

  5. 5
    mcjocar says:

    ABL, that is some ‘you kids get off my lawn’ kind of angry.

  6. 6
    kdaug says:

    When you’re on, you’re on.

  7. 7
    asiangrrlMN says:

    Girl, you crack me the fuck up. Which I needed. So, thanks for that. As for VD, it can go fuck itself with a rusty pitchfork.

  8. 8
    piratedan says:

    I’ve found that a handwritten note to the spouse listing her stellar qualities and a foot rub is pretty much all she needs as a reaffirmation of my love for her, but you know, ymmv.

  9. 9
    Phyllis says:

    Big Lots has had Easter crap out for two weeks. It’s like St. Patrick doesn’t even exist anymore!

  10. 10
    mistermix says:

    @malraux: No kidding, and the shit they put out for these poor bastards to buy is unbelievably fugly. Pink chocolate chip cookie hearts. Bleagh.

  11. 11
    Hob says:

    Champagne + bubblebath. Way better than flowers, & can be enjoyed alone too.

  12. 12
    MikeJ says:

    @Phyllis: Molesting altar boys isn’t something to celebrate.

  13. 13
    donnah says:

    Do you know what love is? My husband and I have been married thirty years come this June. In January, we bought a new car, not just new to us, but really, truly new. The last three cars we’ve had were all bought used, which is fine, but new, it’s like amazing!

    So what I got for Valentine’s Day (and I asked for it, btw) is one of those long-handled brushes with a soap reservoir so I can wash my pretty new car whenvever I want to. I like washing cars, what can I say?

    That’s what love is.

  14. 14
    Guster says:

    I think it’s sexy how you say ‘heteronormative.’

  15. 15
    mistermix says:

    @DougJ®: Apparently this wasn’t true at ABL’s school, but even at my pre-bullying-is-bad school everyone who bothered to bring in valentines had to bring one in for everyone. So you went home with a big shoebox of cards and crappy candy. It was great.

  16. 16
    cleek says:

    my wife’s birthday is on the 8th. so, after x-mas and her b-day, by the time V-day comes around, i’m nearly always out of gift ideas!

  17. 17

    @donnah: that is what love is. an ex-bf of mine once bought me a TiVo remote because he knew i needed one.

    That’s what love is was.

  18. 18
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @piratedan: Honestly, and maybe I’m in the minority, I think something like this is much more meaningful than just buying a buncha flowers and a pre-made card. It’s sweet; it’s personal; it’s loving.

  19. 19
    Arclite says:

    Heh so much truth here. That being said, I like that Valentine’s day exists. But yeah, way too hyped. I can’t stand all the sparkling red and pink shit being sold everywhere.

    I got my wife a box of Godiva chocs and a Lego set full of cute Star Wars figures, and will be making fondue from Gruyère and Emmental cheese cuz that’s the shit she likes, and Feb 14 is as good a day as any to make a little extra effort on that front.

  20. 20
    PurpleGirl says:

    I’ll repeat part of an earlier comment here: My special day is February 13th. That’s the anniversary of meeting my SO at a Star Trek convention. This year, we’ve known each other for 35 years.

  21. 21
    Tokyokie says:

    I made some chocolate-covered strawberries for the spousal unit last night and gave her those and a colorful blouse just after midnight. It probably would have been more romantic if she hadn’t been doing lab work at the time and I hadn’t been so dead-ass tired that I then went straight to bed. And I figure the Almodovar boxed set I picked up yesterday is my VD present.

  22. 22
    Hawes says:

    I hated Valentine’s Day pre-marriage. Now it’s a day to gently remind myself to eat chocolate tell my wife I love her terribly much.

    There is also the slim possibility of a weeknight conjugal, which is nice. I better remember not to make too big a dinner…

  23. 23
    Jager says:

    Low key is the VD for Mrs J and I…she, in moment of true love, bought me a Kindle for VD. I downloaded “Life” by Keith Richards and have pretty much ignored her since.

    BTW, Keith says about his style of dress, “I usually just put on what Anita took off the night before, I figured if she’d sleep with me, she wouldn’t mind if I wore her clothes”!

  24. 24
    Litlebritdifrnt says:

    My DH bought me two pots of pink blooming hyacinths because he knows I love the scent of them and I like things that will survive more than a week (one year he bought me a dozen rose bushes).

    He did this despite the fact that he cannot stand the scent of hyacinths and he knows that I will put one pot on a plant stand by the front door so that the heady fragrance will slap him in the face when he walks in the door. That’s love for you.

  25. 25
    Poopyman says:

    This week I gave my wife a washer & dryer, and two toilets. And a new septic line. I hope she considers them Valentine’s gifts. I also hope she remembers to get me some of that high quality, extremely dark chocolate.

  26. 26
    ed drone says:

    I love your posts, ABL, ’cause they’re so subtle, and we have to use our intellectualismistical think-boxes to discern your hidden meaning. But the clues are there, and the fun part of it is teasing them out from the chaff. It’s better than “Challenger”-level Sudoku!

    I remember grade school construction-paper valentines, too, and those stupid hard candies with messages that sometimes ran off the edge and shit like that. Making your own valentine card is the way to go, but buying some chocolate is much safer than making it, you know?

    Whenever I think of making things in school, though, it reminds me of the more-or-less grown-up clods who poo-poo “staying between the lines,” as if that’s a description of limiting our freedoms. No, it’s a way to train your muscle-memory to do certain tasks. You can go outside the lines when you grow up enough to know the consequences. We get these “let freedom ring” megaphones who think it’s stultifying to a five-year-old to learn to control his muscles (and his psyche), just because when he’s 25, he might want to go all cubist when he draws.

    It’s school, folks! There’s a reason you learn to color inside the bloody lines. It’s muscle memory, hand-eye coordination, even color sense that’s being taught. Kicking over the traces is for when you can already control the horse, not when you’re an apprentice driver.

    Sigh.

    Ed

  27. 27
    Arclite says:

    The Japanese, always taking what the Western world invents and improving it have “White Day” in addition to Valentine’s Day. Here’s how it works: Girls get guys presents on Valentine’s Day and the guys reciprocate on White Day on March 14.

    It’s a complete commercial fabrication, being invented by National Confectionery Industry Association in 1977. Since then the practice has spread to other nearby Asian countries like South Korea and Taiwan.

  28. 28
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @PurpleGirl: Aw, that’s sweet.

    @mistermix: Not at my school, either, but I’m old. You just gave them to whomever. So, my hatred for VD started early.

  29. 29
    Measels Montgomery says:

    Aw, ABL. I’m sorry this “holiday” makes you so ABL.

    It’s never been a big deal in my family, which is a tradition I’ve carried into my own family. Sure, we recognize it and celebrate, but in not-as-big ways. I made peanut butter cups, some with bacon, this AM (the kitchen is still a freaking mess) and we’ll have beef fondue for dinner. Otherwise, it’s just another day.

    You know what’s great about February 15? Half price candy.

  30. 30
    J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford says:

    I got the girlfriend a break job ($200), spring flower arrangement ($45), a card ($2), and the “Royal Heirloom Ring” ($26). The girlfriend also wants to go eat at the restaurant she works at.

    We were watching Blood Diamond on cable about a month ago and in between the save the children and save the abused pets commercials they had the Royal Heirloom Ring commercial. The girlfriend was born in Africa and is sensitive to the “blood diamond” situation so she prefers fake diamonds like cubic zirconia. Anyhoo, she said she wanted the ring so I ordered it for her.

    I’ll end up spending around $300, give or take a few bucks. I figure with baseball and soccer seasons fast approaching I’ll spend a few bucks on the girlfriend for Valentine’s Day so she’ll be more amenable to sitting at the ballpark with me this spring.

  31. 31
    R-Jud says:

    About the only thing I like about V-Day (other than Zeno, mentioned previously) is that my local wine shop has Champagne for 60% off starting tomorrow.

    I fucking LOVE Champagne. I always stock up.

  32. 32
    donnah says:

    Mikej

    “My decorated shoebox mailbox is on the edge of my desk if anybody wants to choo choo choose me.”

    As soon as I read that, my mind went zooming back to those little paper Valentines we bought at Revco to hand out at school. They were the quintessential corniness and I thank you for reminding me of those days.

  33. 33
    goblue72 says:

    Easter comes from Eoistre (sp?), a pagan goddess of the Spring. Her symbols included the rabbit and the egg as symbols of fecundity and fertility.

    So yeah, Eastwr is filled with symbols about having lots of sex and babies. To celebrate some apocalyptic Jewish zealot who got nailed to a cross by some Roman bureaucrats in the backwater of the Empire.

  34. 34
    twiffer says:

    if valentine’s day is treated as “romance amnesty day” sure, it sucks. i’m sure there are a lot of people who do that.

    me, i got my wife some flowers. cause she loves getting flowers. thus, i get them for her as often as i can; the holiday is an excuse to splurge a bit more than usual for something i’d do anyway.

  35. 35
    THE says:

    The nerdiest Valentine evah.

    Pure palladium though.

  36. 36
    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice says:

    @THE: Along those lines, my favorite valentine evah: http://xkcd.com/63/

  37. 37
    Suffern ACE says:

    Ah, but I am in love today and should still be in love tomorrow, and it is nice to have a day set aside to remember the joys of courtship, even for those of us who are no longer courting.

    Since it has popped into the 50s today, it feels like there is hope for spring. No need to spend money. Just pop in a lied, or a melodie, or a kundiman – whatever lifts the romantic spirit, and give the mundane a break. Counter-cynical investment behavior is acceptable today.

  38. 38
    suzanne says:

    I’m probably crazy, but I’ve always thought there was a nasty undercurrent of sexism to some of the Valentine’s Day hate. It’s, like, the ONE fucking day a year the dude is supposed to do significantly more work than the chick in the romance department, and all they do is whine about it being expensive. Flowers are a fleeting pleasure? So is dinner, so are movies, so are sporting events, so are MANY of the things we do together and the gifts we buy each other. Only difference is that the pleasure isn’t meant for you. So suck it up and buy her the flowers if she wants them. Take her out for the dinner she wants, because I guarantee that she does a lot of things for you that she wouldn’t necessarily choose to do if you weren’t around.

    The ultimate irony in me saying all of this is that I honestly am not into flowers. Like, my husband had to remind me to get a bouquet for our wedding because I completely forgot, that’s how little I care. But there’s just so damn much societal resentment of Valentine’s Day. My favorite: “It’s a made-up holiday!” Well, yes. ALL of our damn holidays are made up. No one pisses and moans over Mothers’ Day, or Veterans’ Day, or whatever. I hardly think that one friggin’ day that the partner of the socially dominant gender is meant to show extra love and affection to the partner of the marginalized gender is something to resent.

  39. 39
    ruemara says:

    My mate has made the spectacular decision to not do anything, just like he did for my birthday! I like all holidays, because I like to celebrate. Unfortunately, I seem to make awful choices in who I choose to ‘celebrate’ with. So in this vein, fuck Valentine’s Day. No one ever goes out of their way to make me feel any different about it.

  40. 40
    Yutsano says:

    Love is this. It don’t need no fucking holiday.

  41. 41
    Teri says:

    @ABL, my Mom, who after my youngest brother started school, started volunteering as a nurse at Planned Parenthood (in the 70’s) so for Valentine’s Day she gave us condoms so we wouldn’t get VD on Valentine’s Day. We continue that tradition today in her honor. The idea is to find the wierdest, unique condoms and mail them to our siblings. Needless to say our children think we are quite mad.

  42. 42
    Michael says:

    I like the idea of presenting my wife with a picture of some woman that we both know and then announcing that it would be erotic and romantic to invite that woman into our bed for a three way. I figure there are only about two possible outcomes:

    1. She likes the idea, in which case, great for me.

    2. In a single, awesome karate movie motion, she severs my head from my body and facebooks the reason why my headless corpse is staining the rug.

  43. 43
    suzanne says:

    @Yutsano: Damn straight. Although, hopefully, it don’t need no fucking tragedy, either.

  44. 44
    jinx says:

    Probably the best valentine I ever got was from a guy I dated briefly in college.

    We’d spent hours watching Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and we had a near miss as far as our geographical locales in our respective youths. He’d lived about 45 minutes south of my town where his Dad was a professor at a fancy schmancy school in KY.

    Anyhoo, he cut a heart out of an atlas that contained both towns and wrote “Slarty Bartfast” in red colored pencil across it.

    I was very charmed.

    That said, I still think VD is a crap holiday.

  45. 45
    Michael says:

    @suzanne:

    It’s, like, the ONE fucking day a year the dude is supposed to do significantly more work than the chick in the romance department…

    There is a much better holiday out there – March 14 is Steak and BJ Day.

    http://www.steakandbjday.com/

    You know the drill. Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for a significant other by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Every Valentines day you rack your brains for that one special, unique gift that will show your wife or girlfriend that you really do care for them more than any other. Now ladies, I’ll let you in on a little secret; guys really don’t enjoy this that much. Sure seeing that smile on your face when we get it right is priceless, but that smile is the result of weeks of blood, sweat and consideration. Another secret; guys feel left out. That’s right, there’s no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or too embarrassed to admit it.

    Which is why a new holiday has been created.

    March 14th is now officially “Steak and Blowjob Day”. Simple, effective and self explanatory, this holiday has been created so you ladies finally have a day to show your man how much you care for him.

    No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town; the name of the holiday explains it all, just a steak and a BJ. Thats it. Finally, this twin pair of Valentine’s Day and Steak and Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere try THAT much harder in February to ensure a memorable March 14th!

  46. 46
    Studly Pantload says:

    I also feel that V Day is a silly contrivance, but I also believe in just rolling with it as the situation may present itself. F’r instance, one year (many years ago), I decided to present a gift of babble bath to a gal I was courting at the time and who did like to take baths. Her response was a rather laengthy diatribe about the hypocrisy of the day – she even managed to tie it all in to domestic abuse. A simple, “Thanks, I didn’t get you anything” woulda sufficed.
    =o/

    Of course, she *was* coming off a bad break up at the time. I was great with timing, that way, when I was young.

  47. 47
    Gretchen says:

    Thing is, I love candy and flowers, and while it would be more meaningful if the hubster thought of buying them on a whim, he never, ever will. So having everyone telling him “Hey! You! You need to buy candy and flowers for her! Today! I mean it!”, means that I will actually get candy and flowers once a year, and I love them so!

  48. 48
    Svensker says:

    @ruemara:

    I’m sorry. Here’s a VD hug, though.

  49. 49
    Gozer says:

    Sex toys for all! Amirite?!

  50. 50
    quaint irene says:

    I got the girlfriend a break job ($200)

    A man after my own heart.

    Hey, ABL, I know you sport a cranky moniker, but hey, nobody’s forcing you to buy a card, no matter how machiavalian you believe Hallmark to be.

    I kind of groan at posts like this, in the same way when the inevitable “Only I understand the True Meaning of Christmas’ letters pop up in the newspaper’s editorial page at Yuletide.

  51. 51
    Yutsano says:

    @suzanne: I fully realize that my perceptions are off because I’m on a no-human contact day today (trying to keep my bad cold germs to myself) but yeah, love does tend to be at its best when we’re in our worst. Of course don’t ask me after my parts get swapped out for the hips. Then I’ll be REALLY cranky.

  52. 52
  53. 53
    Michael says:

    @Gozer:

    Sex toys for all! Amirite?!

    I did that one year as kind of a side gift. It didn’t go over as well as I’d hoped.

  54. 54
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @suzanne: Um, I do rail about those holidays as well. I am anti-holiday. Period. But, I agree with your underlying point. It’s not too much to ask that the person you’re with show explicit love for you in a way you like.

    @suzanne: I agree with this as well. It’s like white people asking why there’s no white history month. ‘Coz you got the whole rest of the year. If Michael and other guys really want to whine about their significant (female) others not showing appreciation for them, they may not like the results when their women decide to REALLY not show appreciation.

  55. 55
    suzanne says:

    @Michael:

    That’s right, there’s no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life.

    Yes, that’s called “The Other 364 Days of the Year”.

    Statistically, women still do the vast majority of the household tasks and childrearing, typically while working outside of the home (but still for 25% less pay than men for the same work), and STILL dudes piss and moan about having to get flowers and chocolate one day a year? Seriously. Any dude I dated that bitched about Valentine’s Day found himself promptly dumped. Fortunately, my husband is good about it. Even if we don’t have money to spend, he is thoughtful and creative, and then we have sex, so yay.

  56. 56
    Amir_Khalid says:

    Early one evening some years back, my buddy and I wanted to get some dinner. So he and I went to a conveniently located steakhouse. It was fully booked for the night, which was unusual since most nights you could just walk in and get a table. But they figured that they could accommodate us if we left before the crowd got in. We agreed and they showed us to a table.

    When we sat down, something looked different about the place but we weren’t sure what. A waiter came out and looked at us curiously, which made us kind of uneasy. We took another look around.

    The tables were usually set for parties of four or sometimes two, but tonight they were all set for two. And on the table between us, as on all the other tables, was a single long-stemmed rose in a skinny vase.

    The waiter came out and looked at us again.

    Suddenly we remembered that this was February. That it was, in fact the middle of the month. It had finally dawned on us why the waiter had been looking at us so curiously.

    My friend looked at me and I looked at him. I knew what that look in his eyes meant, and I knew he could see the same look in my eyes. He was the first one to express the sentiment: “Let’s get out of here.”

    That’s my Valentine’s Day story.

  57. 57
    Jane2 says:

    What the fuck does Easter have to do with eggs or chocolate?

    I don’t know about eggs, but any holiday (or day) that features chocolate is ok by me. And if it took the death of Our Lord to bring me Mrs. Sees Nuts and Chews, then it was worth it.

  58. 58
    Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony says:

    @Tokyokie:
    I LOVE Almovodar! What an awesome VD gift!

  59. 59
    suzanne says:

    @asiangrrlMN: I wasn’t meaning you specifically, just the generalized, amorphous “you” that coincidentally tends to be primarily heterosexual males who spend an inordinate amount of time bitching about actually having to reciprocate for once.

    I, personally, am all for holidays. The more the better. Especially if they result in three-day weekends and sales.

  60. 60
    Yutsano says:

    @Amir_Khalid: This seriously made me LOL, if for no other reason than I know where you’re from. And of course I still would have stayed and eaten the damn steak, funny looks be damned.

  61. 61
    Studly Pantload says:

    @Michael:

    Best to let your SO do the picking if there’s to be a third-party involved. Of course, if she’d into more butch types (like mine is), you may wind up with someone a little closer in appearance to your auto mechanic than you anticipated, so careful what you wish for, and all that.

  62. 62
    quaint irene says:

    What the fuck does Easter have to do with eggs or chocolate?

    Please, please,please read David Sedaris’ story ‘Me Talk Pretty One Day.” He and other students in French class trying to explain Easter to a Moroccan student. One of the funniest things in print.

  63. 63
    ed drone says:

    @suzanne:

    Flowers are a fleeting pleasure? So is dinner, so are movies, so are sporting events, so are MANY of the things we do together and the gifts we buy each other.

    So is sex, for that matter.

    No one pisses and moans over Mothers’ Day, or Veterans’ Day, or whatever.

    Oh, yeah?! Momma’s Day gets a lot of attention in the “but it’s just a made-up day promoted by commercial interests (aka Hallmark Cards)” way, and I’m still not that thrilled that Armistice Day got renamed.

    Ed

  64. 64
    ruemara says:

    @Michael:

    Are you fucking serious? Here’s what I do damn near every day and every week.

    Pay 75% of the household bills
    Work my crazy ass media job that is 24/7 availability
    Clean every bathroom, clean the kitchen
    Cook every. damn. meal. My god is it too much to come home to just some boiled pasta with sauce over it? really? goddamn.
    cook every. damn. treat. in. the. house.
    change the sheets. because the fucktard can’t work out that dirty sheets do happen. ditto the towels.
    do all marketing for home based business. because I don’t have enough to do for him.
    tell him to take out the trash, because the fact that it happens every week the same day is still not as obvious as I thought.
    Give up and take out the trash, because the floor looks better without the extra bags clustered around waste bin.
    Take care of the sweet cat and his insane one, because he’s very busy…doing something.
    repairs to house, planning and doing.
    gardening, planning and doing.
    manage all finances.

    His work load: pay mortgage, workout, clean litter box.
    Women are fucking busy, every damn day. frigging tiny card and some chocolates for all the work we do in the home is too much? Well goddamn. Y’all want fucking steak and a bj? Earn it.

  65. 65
    Another Commenter at Balloon Juice (fka Bella Q) says:

    @Michael: Well,you win, so I won’t even bother to try.

    I am really happy that I got Deputy Duck (it squeaks!), even though it was just a cute thing I wanted that happened to arrive close to Valentine’s Day. I’ve asked the Mr. to check out deeply discounted candy and flowers at the grocery tomorrow night, if he feels the need to do more.

  66. 66
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @suzanne: Yeah, I know. Just tossing it out there. And, like I said, I agree with your underlying premise. And, your take-down of Michael.

    @ruemara: And this, too. You go, girl.

  67. 67
    Origuy says:

    Usually I ignore Valentine’s Day, because I have no reason not to. This year, though, I bought a small flower arrangement from a woman selling them by the roadside, picked up a small package of good chocolate hearts at Peets, and took my Not Quite Girlfriend to La Fondue in Saratoga. She was happy with the flowers and chocolate, and we both ate way too much. We went out last night since she’ll probably work late today. I get her flowers occasionally; she doesn’t expect a Mafia-funeral sized bouquet.

  68. 68
    Studly Pantload says:

    @ruemara:

    Loretta Lockhorn, is that you?

    All seriousness aside, I, uh, hope there’s at least some upside for you in your relationship. Maybe?

  69. 69
    Ed in NJ says:

    @ruemara:

    Perhaps your worldview is shaped by your shitty relationship. Healthy relationships are not like that.

  70. 70
    THE says:

    My favorite romantic poem,
    is also one of the strangest mystical visionary works ever written,
    hinting darkly at transmigration of souls,
    while set against a background of undying love and Evolution
    by Langdon Smith

  71. 71
    Jager says:

    @ruemara: Dump his ass

  72. 72
    suzanne says:

    @asiangrrlMN: You mentioning “White History Month” made me laugh mirthlessly, ’cause when I was in high school, we had some really big racial issues and white-supremacist bullshit. Then one kid got shot and was paralyzed for the rest of his life, then we had a great big race riot with teargas and guns and it was really fun.

    So some assholes decided that the best response to this would be to start “Caucasian Club”.

    I was very happy to graduate and get the fuck OUT of there.

  73. 73
    Michael says:

    @ruemara:

    Are you fucking serious? Here’s what I do damn near every day and every week.

    Ah, so your SO has pretty much clocked out on any domestic chores, same as mine.

    In addition to mortgage and utilities and credit cards and medical expenses and big purchases, I get to do nearly all the cooking, 100% of the laundry, 95% of the dishes, all the trash and yard work, 100% of manly repairs and about 80% of kid transport. In addition, as she’s traveling out of the country and having a lot of fun about 6 weeks a year, I get to deal with 100% of the pressure, including the school conferences, etc., etc.

    Yet despite the absences and lack of common effort (and criticism when my cleaning isn’t up to the high expectations of the 4 star accomodations she gets overseas), you don’t see me complaining.

    So yes, I think I will take the steak and that BJ…

  74. 74
    Yutsano says:

    @Another Commenter at Balloon Juice (fka Bella Q): That duck is AWESOME!! How come we don’t get nifty swag like that at the IRS?

  75. 75
    cmorenc says:

    @J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford :

    I got the girlfriend a break job ($200)

    Um…that’s some serious S&M you and your girlfriend are into there, pal
    :=)

  76. 76
    Comrade Colette Collaboratrice says:

    @Origuy:

    Mafia-funeral sized bouquet

    Aha! Thank you! I now have the perfect descriptor for the kind and size of flower arrangement I want.

    My husband, bless him, is a stay-at-home dad (I work full-time) who does a great job with our son, handles all the finances, makes a pretty good fist of the kitchen, and seems totally dirt-blind in the rest of the house. He refuses to hire a housecleaner because he’s home all the time and agrees that he should do it – and yet, he does not. When I start doing housework, he says, “honey, don’t – I’ll do it” – and yet, he does not. I know I don’t truly have much of a reason to complain, but it’s very frustrating that no matter how much money I make I apparently can’t afford to have a clean house.

    At least a big-ass flower arrangement would partially block my view of the dust mice.

  77. 77
    rachel says:

    @Arclite:And now South Korea has added Black Day. On April 14th the singles who didn’t get chocolate on Valentine’s Day a present on White Day can go to a Chinese restaurant and eat jajangmyeon to celebrate their single status. (It’s just a joke at how ridiculous the situation has become, I think.)

  78. 78
    Intercalation says:

    @suzanne: You’re statistically correct, but I’m going to use my Outlier Exception to bitch regardless.

    Why do we just all apparently agree that Feb 14 will be the one and only day for societally-approved romance? Wouldn’t it be better for everybody if we just drove a stake through the heart of this bullshit and agreed as couples to a day of our choosing every month or every week instead? I know, we can call it Date Night! And really, is it demonstrating any kind of appreciation at all to just buy the same crap that every other uncaring husband is and having the same Valentine’s Special meal at the same quiet (except during the VD rush) little bistro as everybody else?

    And, for the record, I DO bitch about Father’s Day and Veteran’s Day and all those other stupid fucking excuses to not give a damn for the other 364 days of every year, thank you very much!

  79. 79
    Studly Pantload says:

    @Michael:

    For that matter, when it comes to housekeeping, my Mrs. Pantload is, for lack of a better phrase, veritably feral. If I don’t pick it up/throw it away, it won’t get picked up/thrown away until perhaps one of our semi-annual “Clean All the Things!” whirlwinds. Yet I’d rather live the messy life with her than the Good Housekeeping life with anyone else, period. (Besides, they say a clean house if a sign of a life misspent, dontchaknow.)

  80. 80
    Another Commenter at Balloon Juice (fka Bella Q) says:

    @Yutsano: Deputy Duck made all the headaches of reading nonsense at Sully’s worthwhile, as that’s where I saw it. Linked from Reason. The servers were down for 4 days afterward; I’m guessing the blog fueled traffic crashed them. I may still buy 2 dozen later in the year to give as gifts, since so many people admired the Deputy when I showed him around the courthouse.

  81. 81
    Yutsano says:

    @Another Commenter at Balloon Juice (fka Bella Q): I love how they give bulk order pricing too. Ya think this just might be a top seller there?

  82. 82
    licensed to kill time says:

    @Studly Pantload:

    I decided to present a gift of babble bath to a gal

    This could be slightly dangerous.

  83. 83
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Michael:

    Ah, so your SO has pretty much clocked out on any domestic chores, same as mine.

    Congratulations — you now understand what it’s like to be the average married woman. You do realize that you represent about 0.25% of the heterosexual male population, right?

    I’m not really sure why you think all men should be rewarded with steaks and BJs because you personally do an unusual amount of work around the house, but I guess it’s one of those dude things I’ll never understand, like leaving the empty milk carton in the fridge.

  84. 84
    Sentient Puddle says:

    After reading the comments on this thread, I think I’ve decided that I’m never getting married.

  85. 85
    gil mann says:

    @Sentient Puddle:

    Same here, although the nine pets and the enormous collection of 80s horror movies may have already made that decision for me.

  86. 86
    Gretchen says:

    @ruemara: And neither your guy nor mine can figure out why there’s not lots of great sex happening to reward their fabulous selves.

  87. 87
    growingdaisies says:

    I just wanted to second Suzanne’s assessment.

    Warning: Broad generalizations ahead. You are doubtless nothing like this and your situation would never conform to such a scenario.

    I found that the guys I dated who proudly proclaimed their independence from Valentine’s Day (“It’s a made-up holiday! It’s commercial! Blah blah blah …”) were typically finding ways to justify not wanting to bother with the effort — any effort. Seriously. If you want to make the absolute minimum effort (actual thoughtfulness is more appreciated, but any effort will usually be met with approval), how hard is it to find a box of chocolate for the person who once patiently helped you clean three years of crap off the floor of your room?

    In my experience, the guys out there who try to be appreciative and romantic other days of the year don’t find Valentine’s Day disturbing, because the concept isn’t alien to them. And yeah, you can date a jerk who tries to be nice on Valentine’s Day, caveat caveat caveat. But someone who unilaterally decides he’s not going to bother is telling you something about the way he perceives your status in the relationship. (If you mutually agree to write off the day, of course, go with God.)

    Anyway. My husband and I are going to exchange some fun gifts and go out to dinner, but probably tomorrow, since we don’t think there’s any point to fighting the crowds and dealing with crappy Valentine’s Day specials at restaurants on the 14th. This hopefully will not conflict with my personal Valentine’s Day tradition of hitting the expensive chocolate store on the 15th. By mutual agreement, we never buy chocolate beforehand. Which is the kind of thing you can discuss with someone whose immediate response to Valentine’s Day isn’t a lofty “I’m above all that, so don’t expect anything.”

    I like the idea of taking a day to be a little romantic and think of one another. Doesn’t have to be Valentine’s Day, but it should be an annual, marked calendar event that you ensure you perform for yourselves. The boring middle of February seems as good a time as any. And yeah, we’re supposed to do it all the time — but let’s be honest about our schedules and the fact that sometimes our relationships fall to the bottom of the list.

    It’s easy and understandable to hate and ignore the incredibly obnoxious, pressure-heavy card company/jewelry store version of Valentine’s Day. But there’s no reason to dislike a day that just functions as a reminder to think about the people you care about.

  88. 88
    Intercalation says:

    I’d like to opt out of not just Valentine’s Day, but this entire laundry-detergent-advert stereotype of married relations. “Aww, my lazy-ass husband is a fat slob and does nothing but ogle women and watch sports on the television, what a lovable dumbshit.”

    I’m just not seeing how coughing up a tray of candy, a few flowers and slipping your wife a gift certificate for a mani/pedi is any kind of compensation for such a grossly unequal division of household labor. If that’s the reason that Valentine’s Day must be celebrated, then I don’t think it’s really doing married women any favors.

  89. 89
    Another Commenter at Balloon Juice (fka Bella Q) says:

    @Yutsano: I can only hope. I think it’s one of my favorite things the Mr. ever got me. Terribly overpriced, given shipping for a singlet was $6.95; but he knew I wanted it and got it for me. That’s love.

  90. 90
    gbear says:

    No special VD stories to share, but I used to work at a commercial rose-growing greenhouse when I was 16-20. We’d make sure we pinched back plants so that we’d have a peak of blooms just before Valentines day.

    Roses became a somewhat devalued gift while I was working there. Everyone who got roses from anyone (future brother-in-law to my sister, me to mom on mothers day etc.) knew that they were an easy and cheap ($2.50/dozen) gift.

    I told my boss at the greenhouse that I was going to visit my sister in the hospital and asked if I could take some roses. He went into the cooler, looked around at wasn’t selling, and came out with 7 or 8 bundles (25 roses per bundle) of white sweetheart roses which he just gave to me. The nurses at the hospital were completely awestruck.

  91. 91
    Nelle says:

    We’re a day past Valentines down here in New Zealand. There is nothing like the hysteria in the States (that’s what it looks like from here) over Valentines. I saw some chocolate roses in the store and one article in the paper. That’s it.

    I made my husband his favorite rice pudding. He mowed the lawn for both of us. We took a walk at sunset and watched the light lingering on the clouds and reflecting up from the lake. Nearly 31 years of marriage.

    It works for us.

  92. 92
    giltay says:

    There’s a chocolate shop near work that does excellent truffles. I ran into my SO just outside there today.

  93. 93
    jayjaybear says:

    Ah, Valentines Day! The -one day- two weeks a year when all the poor Azerothians work their digital fingers to the bone doing useless makework every day so they can complete the Achievements required for 1/15th of the grind to get a freakin’ tacky ugly magenta proto-drake mount.

    (Yes, I found out yesterday that the 20 Love Token Love Fool is single-use…)

  94. 94
    Sentient Puddle says:

    @jayjaybear: Single-use, but multiple people can use it. So get together four friends each with a single love fool, have one drop their fool at each location, and pity away!

  95. 95
    suzanne says:

    @growingdaisies:

    Warning: Broad generalizations ahead. You are doubtless nothing like this and your situation would never conform to such a scenario.

    LMAO. So true. Any time I write/say anything like this, I roll my eyes and know to expect a chorus of “NOT ME! I’M SO DIFFERENT!”. Which, if you are, great. Then shut up. ‘Cause if it ain’t about you, then it ain’t about you.

    @Intercalation:

    I’d like to opt out of not just Valentine’s Day, but this entire laundry-detergent-advert stereotype of married relations.

    Then do so. Be romantic spontaneously all year long. Do 50% of the labor that’s supposed to be shared. I have the feeling that when this happens for women more often, Valentine’s Day will fall by the wayside as merely another silly anachronism. Until then, it’s really just a whole lot of sniveling about being on the crappy side of the patriarchy for once.

  96. 96
    freelancer says:

    To quote the inimitable Prop Joe:

    Yeah, Im like a marriage counselor. Tell the man he oughta bring the bitch some flowers every once in a while. Tell the bitch she gotta suck some cock every once in a while. That sort of shit.

    [Ducks]

    FWIW, I agree with growing daisies and suzanne. The day, for whatever reason, becomes a magnifying glass. If you’re awesome as a date or a spouse, you’re gonna show your SO a good time. If you’re a douchebag who makes a big deal about how much BS the day is, you probably don’t do to well in showing affection or flattery in the off-season, so to speak.

  97. 97
    Luci says:

    Awww… ABL… I love posts like this! Thanks! You’re the best! :)

  98. 98
    Gozer says:

    I’m sorry y’all, but when I see “VD story” and “VD gift” my mind wanders to horrible, horrible things.

  99. 99
    Intercalation says:

    @suzanne: I’m great in the 50% of labor regard and pretty shitty in the romance department. Pretty much like my spouse, but we’re both pretty done with work and kids by the ends of our days so there isn’t a lot of time or energy for bubblebaths and foot rubs in either direction. Neither of us goes in for Valentine’s Day, or really any of your standard-issue traditions. We do our own things and meet each other’s needs, and when we don’t we talk about it.

    I really don’t see Valentine’s Day as “the crappy side of the patriarchy”. It seems like a tacit agreement that husbands won’t do their parts and wives will really, really appreciate a gift that took zero thought and hardly more effort.

    I really can’t say that I’ve seen many Good Husbands (i.e. do their share of house and kid work, don’t talk heaps of shit about their spouses when it’s just the boys, etc) going all out for Valentine’s Day. I have seen the Bad Husbands make a big show of it, though, and it’s got to be a factor in why I find the whole thing so distasteful.

  100. 100
    Suffern ACE says:

    @freelancer: I’m reading these posts and thinking, forced arranged marriages and absolute separation of the sexes might do wonders for the meaning of the day. Sure, it might mean that one’s beloved and one’s spouse are two different people, but at least their would be some hopeless, desparate, romantic sentiment to tap into on V-Day.

    Perhaps that problem is that Valentine’s Day isn’t supposed to be about married couples anyway. Too much baggage in a marriage. Too much making the day about pent up grievances. Why not save that for the anniversary, mother’s and father’s day?

    We’re wasting a perfectly good holiday on the way too young who shouldn’t feel romantic about anything and the already married. No wonder everyone’s so sour.

  101. 101
    Phoenician in a time of Romans says:

    Well, I only saw my gf during the weekend, so I got her roses to mark the occasion (as well as the usual backrubs and massages on request – she has me well-trained).

    In return this Monday, I found a single rose delivered to my desk at work – and had to endure teasing from cow-orkers that is still going on today.

  102. 102
    Will says:

    Ah, VD Day!

    Where women claim they don’t care and guys know that if they believe the women and don’t do anything, it will be a black mark against them forever. Another happy example of how you can’t believe things that women say. Certainly making inroads on the “why men don’t listen to what women say” department, eh?

    Where some women (like ruemara here) list all the things they do for their lazy men.

    And if a man happens to say (like Michael here) that they do most of the domesticky stuff in their relationship, they are told to shut the hell up because they don’t match some statistic or other.

    This type of needing to have cake and eat it too is one of the things that keeps me happily (but quietly) misogynistic, and undermines any progress towards equality that women make in society.

    Well, I’m off to buy the flowers etc., that I’m required to buy. I get her flowers other times during the year too, but it’s false to say that this day is supposed to make up for all the other days where I’m just too much of a loser to do anything flower-wise. I buy flowers and things other times as well, but I am still required to do so on VD Day.

    I wonder if VD Day incurs as much or more silent resentment as the false manufactured happiness it claims to make?

  103. 103
    Don says:

    My wife and I aren’t big valentine’s people – we tend to celebrate our first date 6 days prior – so we decided to give a donation to Freedom to Marry in the amount of a fancy dinner.

    We’d donated to them before and put them on our wedding registry – why should we straigties be the only ones to suffer divorce and purchasing overpriced rubber chicken for relatives you never see when there’s no free meal involved?

  104. 104
    Ash Can says:

    @Will: Thank you for being the poster child for everything that’s wrong about Valentine’s Day.

    @Don: That’s absolutely wonderful. Hats off to both of you.

  105. 105
    suzanne says:

    @Don: That is a friggin’ awesome idea.
    @Will: Thanks for proving my point.

  106. 106
    Tonybrown74 says:

    It’s interesting how for different people, VD tends to represent different things (positive or otherwise).

    As a single person, the thing that bothers me about the day is how it feels as if I should feel bad, or less than, for being single on this day. As a single person, you cannot escape it. As a single person, I feel as if I have to either force myself to accept the day, or force myself to avoid it.

    I’m just hoping to order some takeout, watch some TV and top it off with a scoop of Grapefruit Campari Sorbet; my typical Monday night.

  107. 107
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Will:

    And if a man happens to say (like Michael here) that they do most of the domesticky stuff in their relationship, they are told to shut the hell up because they don’t match some statistic or other.

    Yeah, it sucks when the facts go against you and undermine your feeling of persecution, doesn’t it?

  108. 108
    freelancer says:

    @Will:

    This type of needing to have cake and eat it too is one of the things that keeps me happily (but quietly) misogynistic

    Wow, nuff said, I suppose. Like I said previously. Whether the day is manufactured or not, it seems to be a force multiplier and otherwise microcosm of what you are as a constituent component of your relationship. Some couples go out and enjoy themselves, others feel cuckholded because of “gender expectations”. Have fun tonight.

  109. 109
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Studly Pantload:

    G? Is that you?

    Yes, I confess — my “housekeeping” could easily be called feral. We have cleaning people come in twice a month, or else we’d be in divorce court. Given that G has been stuck with a horrendous slob of a wife, he’d probably get custody of all three cats, so that needs to be avoided at all costs.

    Not coincidentally, I think, Valentine’s Day isn’t a big deal for us. We went out for brunch yesterday as our celebration and … that’s about it. Though he did have a moment of fear this morning when he said, “Uh, we’re not doing gifts this year, right?” and felt much better when I reassured him that we are not.

  110. 110
    NobodySpecial says:

    @Tonybrown74: Amen, brother. Being single on Valentine’s Day is like ice skating uphill.

    In a related note, I hate this fucking holiday. That is all.

  111. 111
    Studly Pantload says:

    @freelancer:

    “others feel *cuckholded* because of “gender expectations”

    I’m not sure that this word means what you think it means.
    = )

  112. 112
    quaint irene says:

    @growingdaisies:

    That was one thoughtful and sweet post.

  113. 113
    Will says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    Yeah, it sucks when the facts go against you and undermine your feeling of persecution, doesn’t it?

    Nope. What was notable about michael’s comment about how he does most of the domestic stuff is that instead of saying “good for you” and leaving it at that, he got attacked by harpies women who didn’t want their apple cart full of grievances questioned.

    Gawd forbid anybody take even the slightest knock at the “we do everything for 364 days, we deserve something for our superhuman efforts!” little whinefest you’ve got going there.

    In his case, perhaps his SO should be buying him flowers and whatnot instead, or is that too much actual ‘equality’ for you?

  114. 114
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    My wife and I have an arrangement that works for us. She keeps the kitchen counters clean, does the dishes, shops, prepares and cooks the meals. And works her full time job. Anything above that is at her own initiative and she shows none when it comes to my chores…lol!

    I do everything else, and I mean everything.

    The yard, the cars (clean, repair & service, former mechanic), plumbing issues, electrical issues, all repairs to anything that breaks, vacuuming, cleaning carpets, sweeping, washing and waxing floors, windows, blinds, all dusting, all care for three cats, cleaning the bathrooms, all garbage & recycling, cleaning the deep freeze, fridge, oven, stove and microwave, all upholstery cleaning and so on and so on and so on…

    Plus my job.

    It’s worked for us for the last twenty-five years so we see no need to change it. All I ask is that she keeps us fed and all she asks is that she never has to clean windows, floors or toilets ever again.

    We don’t celebrate VD, Xmas or our birthdays (both around Xmas) when they happen but rather when we want to, usually with a trip somewhere. We are planning a motorcycle trip to eastern Oregon late this spring (Frenchglen and the high desert) as our ‘reward’ for being us.

    We both hate holidays and have decided to break out of the ruts they make in our lives. I’m glad we did.

  115. 115
    Splitting Image says:

    @NobodySpecial:

    In a related note, I hate this fucking holiday. That is all.

    I hate all fucking holidays.

    The only thing anybody has said in this thread that astonishes me is that “no one pisses and moans over Mothers’ Day, or Veterans’ Day, or whatever”. Has Christmas gone down the memory hole already?

  116. 116
    Will says:

    @Splitting Image:

    Has Christmas gone down the memory hole already?

    Shhhhhhh! Let’s hope so and good riddance!

  117. 117
    Will says:

    @Ash Can:

    @Will: Thank you for being the poster child for everything that’s wrong about Valentine’s Day.

    You’re welcome.

    It would be nice to see a gender-neutral day instead of the “make men feel guilty” Hallmark spectacle of VD Day, but women don’t seem inclined to give up VD Day any more than they are inclined to give up Ladies Nights, where they enjoy freebies for having boobies.

    However, inasmuch as a gender-neutral, genial “treat your special person special day” is not being pushed by the “we want equality but we don’t want to give up the perks our boobies afford us” crowd, and they prefer the heavyhandedness of corporate VD Day, I suppose we are stuck with the humorous alternative of Steak and BJ day, with all the demeaning ‘barefoot in the kitchen’ connotations it comes with.

    We may be forced to buy flowers by the harpies women like Suzanne, who seem to think it is their god-given right, but the endlessly pushed connotations of roses and romance are a little different than the “naked and on your knees” demeaning connotations of the Steak and BJ Day idea.

    Sorry honey. Pushing the VD Day thing as some kind of god-given well-deserved thankyou to women just results in men creating a day that makes women into ‘naked, on your knees with a **** in your mouth’ sex objects of the usual type.

    Victory for women and VD Day, huzzah!

  118. 118
    Phyllis says:

    @Odie Hugh Manatee: The SO and I have a similar deal. I’m done washing dishes. And I mean, I’m done in this lifetime. If he’ll do dishes, the vacuuming & put out the trash, I call it a damn even trade.

    It also helps that my attitude is pretty much ‘it’s clean enough’. And he’s one of those men that doesn’t see dirt. Which I consider a feature, not a bug.

  119. 119
    dustycrickets says:

    Thanks ABL….

    This is good medicine.

  120. 120
    Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony says:

    I get why the single people hate Valentines. I don’t care to join the jaded hipsters whining about the commercialization and basic uncoolness of Valentine’s Day, though. (GASP! The cliches! The pink kisch! Hipster horror! Thank FSM they are so above it all.)

    I like Valentines! We are a couple that have been together for more than a decade and it gets too easy just burrow into your routine. Valentine’s Day is a nice reminder (like our anniversary) to set aside special time together just to focus on romance. We always have fun.

  121. 121
    BD of MN says:

    I’m wondering how Bruce Anderson of Albert Lea, MN is going to top what he did for last year’s VD…

    nothing says love like a 40 acre heart made out of manure.

  122. 122
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @Phyllis:

    I did enough cooking and dishes as a bachelor…lol! Nevermore (or at least as long as I can make nevermore last!). I’ll do anything to avoid them, and I do.

    My wife likes the arrangement, as do I.

    Here’s some VD humor from the gaming company, Valve. It’s an advertisement for their upcoming game, Portal 2, but it’s pretty hilarious.

  123. 123
    Splitting Image says:

    @Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony:

    I like Valentines! We are a couple that have been together for more than a decade and it gets too easy just burrow into your routine. Valentine’s Day is a nice reminder (like our anniversary) to set aside special time together just to focus on romance. We always have fun.

    See, this I don’t mind. A lot of the reason I’ve come to hate holidays is that for a lot of people, the days themselves are part of how they “burrow into their routines”. Christmas is the worst of the lot. It can be a lot of fun if you pick and choose what you want to do and who you choose to spend the day with. Instead people run the treadmill every year and force themselves into spending time in shopping malls on the days they are the most crowded and the most difficult to deal with. Then the next year they do it all over again. New Years Eve people drag themselves out to nightclubs when they are at their most crowded and the drinks the most overpriced. Then they do it again next year. Ditto Valentines and the flowers (and going out for dinner when the restaurants are most likely to be booked). Ditto Halloween and the candy. Etc, etc, etc.

    Don’t even get me started on St. Patrick’s Day.

  124. 124

    @quaint irene: my point is not that anyone is forcing anyone to buy a card. my point is that people feel unnecessarily pressured to do Something Nice for their partner on this one day.

    i’m more interested in how people treat each other EVERY day.

    the reference to my being bitter was a direct reference to the break up i was going through at the time (which i am over now.)

    today is just any other day. i’m going to be the same amount of nice to my loved ones as i am on any other day.

    @Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony: i’m far from a jaded hipster. i really do hate the materialism, specifically the Buy Her a Diamond-ism. i feel the same about christmas. setting aside time to spend with one another is a great way to spend this day and any other day.

    maybe i just really hate zale’s. ha.

  125. 125

    Also, I am currently single and I’m not at all miserable or whatever. It says a lot, though, that single people are expected to hate Valentine’s Day. I’ve gotten awesome VD shout-outs from friends.

    The fauxmance; she bugs.

  126. 126
  127. 127

    Also, when I *was* in a relationship, we celebrated by drinking a bottle of Ballantine’s blended scotch the night before. (HAPPY BALLANTINE’S!)

    I wouldn’t recommend it — tastes like hot buttered ass.

  128. 128
    Sandmann says:

    @Angry Black Lady:

    Hot buttered ass

    Might as well do shots of hot-dog water.

  129. 129
    Odie Hugh Manatee says:

    @Angry Black Lady:

    Hmmm… I’ve had some pretty good hot buttered ass in the past…

    Oh, you mean tastes like that kind of ass? My bad.

    Carry on.

  130. 130
    Will says:

    Well, I did my duty. I got my bouquet of mutilated plant parts and am good to go.

    What a funny way to celebrate “romance”—by cutting off the sex organs of plants—surely a message there.

    I just beat out the hordes of frantic men getting off their day jobs (thanks, freelancing!) but the flower department was still pretty crowded with men wandering around like cats in a dog store. Extra girls were employed by the store to help the poor souls out. A clerk girl asked me how I was doing with a big smile. “Resigned, resentful, and full of hate, but it is what it is, here I am” I replied, and she went away fast.

    A few turns around one of the flower stands later a guy looking at some flowers says, “sounds like I’m in about the same place you are.”

    “Well, what are ya gonna do. They’ve got us. We have no choice,” I said.

    Later on in the checkout line by the sliding glass door, two cute little twin girls had little-kid shopping carts and were heading for the door and the freedom of the outside world. A clerk was trying to head them off and get them to put the carts in the little cart line where they belonged. “No, no, put them over there,” she’d say, waving her hands. The mother called over from several lines away, trying to help.

    I seized my moment when one of the little girls (about 3yrs old) looked up at me. “No, don’t listen to them! Now’s your chance! Run away and be free!”

    The nasty look I got from both clerk and mother was entirely worth it.

  131. 131
    Sister Machine Gun of Quiet Harmony says:

    @Angry Black Lady:
    I hate Zales, too. However, Valentines is not Zales. Thank goodness!

  132. 132
    suzanne says:

    @Will:

    Resigned, resentful, and full of hate

    And I’m the harpy.
    Sounds like you deeply resent the inconvenience of doing something purely for the enjoyment of the one you say you love. The one who most likely puts a lot more time and effort into your relationship than you do.

    Well, I had a great Valentine’s Day. :) My husband and I didn’t exchange gifts, but we dropped the munchkins off at Grandma’s house and then got sandwiches and went and hiked ‘A’ Mountain. Sat and enjoyed our food, watched the sunset and the airplanes, and identified special places, like where we got married, where we met, where we graduated, where our daughter was born. We couldn’t stay out too late b/c it’s a school/work night, but it was great.

  133. 133
    Studly Pantload says:

    Got my sweetie a bar of Theo’s chocolate (the chocolate preferred by Obama!, or so the Mrs. tells me), we hit the Appleby’s salad bar, and now we’re watching “Sex In the City II” on-demand (my suggestion – but, hey, so long as I’ve got the laptop, it’s not like I’m roped into paying attention or anythin’).

  134. 134
    Svensker says:

    @Will:

    Apparently you are in some sort of relationship. My condolences to her.

  135. 135
    Will says:

    @suzanne:

    And I’m the harpy.
    Sounds like you deeply resent the inconvenience of doing something purely for the enjoyment of the one you say you love. The one who most likely puts a lot more time and effort into your relationship than you do.

    Nope. I love doing things purely for the enjoyment of the one I love. I hate having Hallmark/society/harpies like you put us all in a position where we are basically forced to do it. If you don’t understand the difference, then I guess your hubby married you for your boobs and not your brains.

    And BTW, I do all the cooking (I went to culinary school–she lucked out that way since she makes sandwiches and that’s about it), all the driving because she has a visual issue that makes it unsafe at any speed for her to drive, and at least half of the cleaning because as a freelancer, cleaning is how I procrastinate working on a project, and as someone who loves to cook having a clean kitchen is a must.

    But fuck you very much for all your little assumptions. I guess since you are essentially a Stepford wife living in a Hallmark card, you don’t have the ability to imagine anything different.

    Well, I had a great Valentine’s Day. :) My husband and I didn’t exchange gifts, but we dropped the munchkins off at Grandma’s house and then got sandwiches and went and hiked ‘A’ Mountain. Sat and enjoyed our food, watched the sunset and the airplanes, and identified special places, like where we got married, where we met, where we graduated, where our daughter was born. We couldn’t stay out too late b/c it’s a school/work night, but it was great.

    Wow….like I said…Stepford wife in a Hallmark card. I’ll bet your hubby just wishes you had an ‘off’ switch, since you sound like a real nag.

  136. 136
    4jkb4ia says:

    “The resurrection of a chocolate bunny birthed from a Cadbury egg”

    Love it!

    Despite my having successfully extorted a nice dinner, this post is absolutely right on. Love may not be how you feel but what you do, but Valentine’s Day should be about how you feel. I am feeling the calm and relaxed atmosphere of the sushi lounge.

  137. 137
    4jkb4ia says:

    @Amir_Khalid:
    That’s a great story.

  138. 138
    4jkb4ia says:

    @ruemara:

    That is why the custom of singing Aishes Chayil every week was invented. (Last chapter of Proverbs)

  139. 139
    Yutsano says:

    Made pasta. For myself. No other humans involved. Valentine’s Day can disappear off my calendar any time it wants to.

  140. 140
    4jkb4ia says:

    @Intercalation:
    Endorse.

  141. 141
    Mnemosyne says:

    @Will:

    Well, I did my duty. I got my bouquet of mutilated plant parts and am good to go.

    You may think your wife/girlfriend doesn’t realize that you secretly loathe her, but she does.

  142. 142
    suzanne says:

    @Will:

    Nope. I love doing things purely for the enjoyment of the one I love. I hate having Hallmark/society/harpies like you put us all in a position where we are basically forced to do it.

    Then don’t do it. If she doesn’t give a shit, and you’re genuinely one of those people that is into romantic gestures all year long, then come to a mutual screw-Valentine’s-Day agreement. As shocking as it may seem, no one is forcing you to do anything. But if she genuinely appreciates the sentiment on the day itself, it’s more than a bit churlish to complain so much about doing something loving for someone else.

    If you don’t understand the difference, then I guess your hubby married you for your boobs and not your brains.

    Well, they ARE real, and they truly are spectacular.

    But fuck you very much for all your little assumptions. I guess since you are essentially a Stepford wife living in a Hallmark card, you don’t have the ability to imagine anything different.

    You know what, if you truly ARE different, and you pull your weight at home, then good for you. However, statistically, you’re in the minority. And if you truly cared about women, I think you’d be more upset by the fact that so many women still work harder and longer for less benefit than men do than the fact that there’s one fucking day a year that’s primarily about showing women that they are loved and valued by the men in their lives. Again, these are all facts borne out by evidence. So if it’s not about you, then it’s not about you. But if it truly wasn’t about you, I have the feeling you wouldn’t protest so much.

    I’ll bet your hubby just wishes you had an ‘off’ switch, since you sound like a real nag.

    Apparently you missed the point. We’re together because I don’t have to nag. Because doing something nice for/with me isn’t a fucking chore that leaves him, to quote you, “resigned, resentful, and full of hate”.

    I’m now done wrestling with this pig.

  143. 143
    4jkb4ia says:

    “Feeling the calm and relaxed atmosphere” came out wrong. It should be something like “I don’t want to think about baseball, and I don’t want to think about quantum physics, and I don’t want to think about nothing. I just want to be.”–having the space to enjoy being together

  144. 144
    russell says:

    hey, my wife likes flowers. what can i say?

    sure valentine’s day is a big old pile of horseshit, but a lot of life is a big old pile of horseshit. we all carry on, nonetheless.

    i got a freaking brilliant photo book about the jazz loft scene on 6th ave in the 50’s in 60’s. also, homemade chicken stew with dumplings.

    that, my friends, is love.

  145. 145
    Yutsano says:

    @suzanne:

    I’m now done wrestling with this pig.

    But did you get the lipstick on it?

  146. 146
    THE says:

    What the fuck does Easter have to do with eggs or chocolate? These are eternal questions.

    The annual chocolate festival needs any more explanation?

    I think “chocolate” is as close to being the right answer to the eternal question as I am ever likely to get.

  147. 147
    Wil says:

    @Mnemosyne:

    You may think your wife/girlfriend doesn’t realize that you secretly loathe her, but she does.

    Actually I got one of the good ones. They’re rare, but not extinct. And your comment says that you did not understand my point about VD Day. That’s okay, not everyone is a genius.

  148. 148
    Wil says:

    @suzanne:

    Then don’t do it. If she doesn’t give a shit, and you’re genuinely one of those people that is into romantic gestures all year long, then come to a mutual screw-Valentine’s-Day agreement. As shocking as it may seem, no one is forcing you to do anything.

    As I said in my original comment, all men know not to listen to women who say they don’t give a shit about VD Day. “Romantic gestures” all year long? No, not into that. Various times during the year, for different reasons and sometimes no reason? Sure.

    Well, they ARE real, and they truly are spectacular.

    How funny, Mrs. Stepford. I predicted that you would start bragging about your body and/or how wonderful you are in bed with your next reply, and well, here you are! Every time I get into one of these little spats with some bitch they eventually wind up explaining how they have an awesome body and fuck like a racehorse. How predictable you are. I’ll bet hubby is checking out some online porn right now. (and your predictable response will be, not only are you okay with that, but you are such a sexual goddess, that you watch it with him.)

    You know what, if you truly ARE different, and you pull your weight at home, then good for you.

    The fact that you think in terms of who is pulling their weight says a lot about you and your marriage. I love mine so much that I could give a shit about who pulls what weight, and if I had to do 100% of everything, I wouldn’t care. Eight years and going strong, bitch.

    And if you truly cared about women, I think you’d be more upset by the fact that so many women still work harder and longer for less benefit than men do than the fact that there’s one fucking day a year that’s primarily about showing women that they are loved and valued by the men in their lives.

    Ah, but as I said, I don’t “truly care about women.” After my experiences dating some of you, I care about the one I finally found, and a few close and select female friends. The rest of you can be sold off as chattel and sex slaves and spend the rest of your lives being beaten and raped for all I care. And like I said, your complaint about women’s pay and yadda yadda loses a lot of support from men when you still want doors opened for you, romance on command on VD Day, perks for having boobs like Ladies Nights, and so forth. I used to know a couple girls a long time ago who would get dressed up and hit the bars with $5, drink all night from men who bought drinks for them, and usually come home with their $5 intact. Who cares if women get paid less if they are also using their boobs interesting minds to scam free shit from men?

    We’re together because I don’t have to nag. Because doing something nice for/with me isn’t a fucking chore that leaves him, to quote you, “resigned, resentful, and full of hate”.

    That’s what he tells you, anyway. Doing something nice for someone isn’t a chore—until it is no longer voluntary. Then it is a chore, dress it up how you like.

    And she’s off in a huff! …Bobby pins spinning in the air like the old witch in the Bugs Bunny cartoon! She sure told me!

    At one time I worked in an office with a few other people in a room set aside from a main traffic area with polished cement floors. One woman who worked there always dressed a little sexy (there’s always one), and wore high heels to work. You could always tell when she was going by because of the ‘clack clack clack’ of her heels on the hard floor.

    Eventually I downloaded a soundclip of the sound trotting horses make—‘cloppity cloppity cloppity’—-and from then on, whenever she walked by I’d play the clip at a volume only audible in our little room. Ah, the things one finds hilarious when trapped in an office. Glad those days are over.

  149. 149
    Wil says:

    @suzanne:

    Well, they ARE real, and they truly are spectacular.

    The other funny thing about Mrs. Stepford’s comment here is that in all of these “men vs. women” arguments, the woman will always eventually wind up defending not only her status as a sex object, but just how great of a sex object she actually is.

    The cause of women’s rights has certainly advanced, eh?

    It’s like, “I’m an ’empowered’ woman….you should see how awesome I am at blowjobs and pole-dancing!”

    </snark>

  150. 150
    Wil says:

    @suzanne:

    Well, they ARE real, and they truly are spectacular.

    Just have to add—after a couple of kids (“munchkins” in your stepford-reality), not likely.

    Your husband most likely knows within a tenth of a centimeter how much your boobs have sagged since you popped out a few brats. (Yes, I am not a big fan of children, either…)

    And if you are telling me how your boobs are ‘real and spectacular’ meaning that they are fairly large (in your endless quest for women’s rights), I can tell you that your husband is equally aware that your amazing boobage will eventually be residing somewhere around your stomach, and that day is probably not as far off as you think. Don’t fool yourself into thinking he isn’t aware of every little imperfection.

    And then, since he is married to a Stepford wife, completely typical in every way, a Hallmark version of a woman, he will be looking to trade up for a younger model at some point. Younger, prettier, less bitchy. Your competition is all around you.

    Thing is, when men get older, we become refined, sophisticated, mature, etc. We actually become more desirable as we get older.

    You women, especially after popping out a few brats….well, you just get old.

    Go ahead and bitch about how I’m some evil monster…not only do I not care, but I enjoy it. However, I’m just telling you the truth.

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