Here’s some random news about sex and sexuality:
- The Catholic Church has decreed that all ejaculations must occur in the vagina. Unless, of course, there’s a little boy involved, then it gets complicated. (via)
- In not unrelated news, the very Catholic town of Rochester, NY is still debating about whether to have a debate about handing out condoms in inner-city schools.
- Bristol Palin was disinvited from an abstinence event due to her “lack of expertise” in that area. She gets between $15-30K per speech, by the way.
- Is it really a coincidence that the same idiots who have been opposing childhood vaccination in England long after the main “scientist” was exposed as a fraud are also opposing letting kids know that homosexuals exist? (via)
Silver
I went against the wishes of the Vatican this morning.
But then again, I don’t care what a group of organized child rapists and their facilitators think about what I do with my penis.
Blackfrancis
Richard Butler would approve.
Litlebritdifrnt
It tickled me to no end last week when people were on tv saying that the US version of “Skins” is “child porn”. Amazing that the Brit version was shown on BBCAmerica in its entirety and was basically called brilliant by the critics. Is it only child porn if the actors have American accents?
Jason T.
Let the heathens spill theirs on the dusty ground,
God will make them pay for sperm that can’t be found!
Under Ratzi, the One, Holy(tm) seems bound and determined to live up to every single negative stereotype they’d dispelled since Vatican II. The combination of being both utterly tone-deaf and completely contemptuous of your followers is something managed by few leaders worthy of the name.
burnspbesq
Another day, another cheap shot at Catholics.
Gargle with Drano.
Joshua Norton
Not to cut the RC’s any slack, but that has always been pretty much their doctrine about sexual intercourse. For some reason they always default to Augustine for their justifications. But I see no reason to elevate the words of one mortal over all others and pretend “God” said it.
Of course, Augustine gives way directly to the “Bristol Palin” school of morality. Screw around to your heart’s content then tell everybody else not to do it.
Dogmatic? Yes. Realistic? No.
freelancer
@burnspbesq:
Papist.
MikeJ
@Joshua Norton: I feel the same way about Paul as you do about Augustine.
Cacti
It actually is somewhat surprising.
A lot of the anti-vax nutters are from the woo-woo left.
Old Dan and Little Ann
I’m completely down with condoms for the RCSD. The least they can do is provide the kids an opportunity to be HIV free when they fail to graduate.
Blackfrancis
@Joshua Norton: But, but…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=asVxZ5wO_GE
BDR
i don’t wanna tape you down
or shack you up with me
or put you where the flowers go
or get into your mind
Joshua Norton
@MikeJ: Oh, ditto. Definitely.
Paul wasn’t even a real Apostle as far as I’m concerned.
Cacti
@burnspbesq:
Yes, bad form to mention their massive cover up of child sexual abuse while being morality scolds.
PurpleGirl
Glad to read that Washington U has uninvited Bristol Palin. As I wrote in a comment to AsiangrrlMN’s post (over at ABL’s place), if I were a student there and knew that some of my student fee money was being used to pay Palin I’d be upset. After all, Palin got a GED (not to crap on GED holders, but she hasn’t shown any inclination to go further in her education) and is grifting like her mother does. Going into hock as college kids do, I wouldn’t want my hard earned or expensive loan money used to pay a grifter.
MAJeff
Another day, another cheap shot at Catholics.
Well, get rid of that worthless “natural law theology” nonsense, then.
Quaker in a Basement
“Lacks expertise.”
Haw!
Uloborus
@MikeJ:
I’m really quite unfond of both. My college literary history teacher was not thrilled with my description of Augustine as a hypocrite motivated solely by a desire to show off how amazing he was because he felt guilty about being a sinner.
Joel
This Melanie Phillips. She’s an awful person. I wish I could tell her that to her face.
Tom Hilton
Bwahaha! Awesome.
@MikeJ: Me too–Paul was a serious fucktard. All of the fundy assholes who gave my mom shit for being a minister backed up their reactionary bullshit with quotes from Saint AssPaul the Douchebag.
BGinCHI
@MikeJ: I feel the same way about Ringo as you do about Augustine and Paul.
eemom
what a compendium of revolting absurdities.
New Yorker
Must…resist…urge…to…mention…Catholic…girlfriends…I’ve…had…
Thoughtful Black Co-Citizen
You missed head NOMbie Maggie Gallagher’s diatriabe about anal sex (in an article about abortion). Apparently women only submit to the horrible icky act because they’ve been brainwashed into doing it when all they really want to do is have babies. Lots of ’em.
BGinCHI
@Joshua Norton: OK, easy there. Without Paul Jesus would have been a footnote to history.
See, for example, A.N. Wilson’s book on Paul. Necessary reading.
MikeJ
@BGinCHI: What have you got against Lorne Greene?
eemom
@New Yorker:
Come out, Virginia, don’t let me wait….
Cacti
@BGinCHI:
Okay, so what’s the down side?
BGinCHI
@New Yorker: You could just quote Frank Zappa….
MikeJ
@New Yorker: Billy Joel already did that song for you.
Polar Bear Squares
I laughed and laughed at the pure fuckedupness yet hilarity of saying “all ejaculations most come within the vagina…. unless little boys are involved.” So sad. Yet so true.
BGinCHI
@MikeJ: Only that he was a shitty drummer.
He sure could wear a pair of chaps though.
El Cid
The ‘reporter’ who Jonathan Hari cited as attacking him re. his defense against the bullying of homosexual schoolchildren and who also was one of the great popularizers of the anti-vaccine fraud was Melanie Phillips.
You may remember her as the crazed Muslimophobe maniac who clawed her way up the 9/11 tougher-on-Islam fetishizer stack arguing that Britain had surrendered to radical Islam and was losing all its culture, so on, so forth.
BGinCHI
@Cacti: No good fish fries on Friday?
I’m out after that.
Dave
So the Catholics don’t care where you visit as long as you take the right off-ramp? How very modern…
freelancer
@Polar Bear Squares:
What what, in the butt.
Cris
The Gelgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor-sharp teeth!
srv
Mubarak speaking now
Buck
@Cacti: World peace would break out. Global happiness would infect all. Sanity would take root and eventually win the day.
John B.
Why do priests writing about sex always sound like teenage girl romance novel fans?
John Cole
It always cracks me up that Bristol Palin is the new face of abstinence education. She’s uniquely unqualified on the topic. You know who is qualified to talk about it? Any of the millions of other underage girls who didn’t get pregnant.
It’s seriously unspoofable.
@burnspbesq: How is this a cheap shot? Did they not make the decree about sex? Did they not cover up the crime? Are we just supposed to ignore it lest your feelings get hurt?
Cris
What is your conceptual continuity?
BGinCHI
@John Cole: But her mother is a “governing abstinence” expert.
Don’t do it, but if you have to do it, quit right after and make some fucking do ray me.
freelancer
@Cris:
Never saw that episode of the Smurfs.
stuckinred
I have no problem with Catholics except their church.
maus
@burnspbesq:
You live in the dark ages, get the plague.
Seriously, plenty of Catholics are nice, great people. The leadership is what’s shit.
BGinCHI
@Cris: Egyptian people being ruled by Mubarak equals getting it in the ass.
WyldPirate
@Polar Bear Squares:
I was thinking “what, no hands either?”
S. cerevisiae
Bristol gets 15 to thirty grand for EACH FUCKING SPEECH?
This country is so fucked up.
If there was any justice she would be cleaning rooms at the Wasilla Motel 6.
Michael
@Joshua Norton:
This was the fundamental error in the first place. Augustine was a multisexual freak who satisfied every urge as it occurred, and he pretty much defines the term “projection”.
Martin
Not a problem. I found the catholic girls at school were quick to put out. Never expected the church to condone the practice, but I’ll pass this news along to my son at the appropriate age.
They still wear the uniforms, right? Nice of the church to put some marketing out there too.
srv
Mubarak dismisses gov’t and says he’ll appoint a new one tomorrow.
He’s going to fight.
Michael
@BGinCHI:
“Catholic Giiiirls at the CYO…”
Cris
With a tongue like a cow, she could make you go “wow”
13th Generation
@mistermix
Excellent, excellent post. Please keep up the good work. You may take over the spot currently held by Some Writer At Balloon Juice as my favorite front page poster.
Ash Can
@burnspbesq: In all fairness to the shooters, the bishops slap honkin’ big targets on themselves and absolutely beg for it.
MikeJ
@S. cerevisiae:
What’s really bizarre about it in this case a University had invited her.
Really. A university. Paying somebody 15G to talk about abstinence. Why do they think people go to college in the first place?
Buck
@Ash Can: I don’t think burnspbesq isn’t interested in logic.
S. cerevisiae
@Cris: That made me laugh. It’s also true what they say about preacher’s daughters.
Buck
@MikeJ:
I took it a little differently; Shouldn’t institutions of higher learning be smarter than this???
MikeJ
@Buck: No, you didn’t take it differently. I agree it’s stupid to pay $15G to Bristol Palin to talk about abstinence, but I would go further and say that any university that pays *anybody* to tell adults to not have sex is doing something stupid.
Michael
@Cris:
Vidi vowdie voodie…
Midnight Marauder
@burnspbesq:
I mean, they are still actively covering up
centuries upon centuriesdecades upon decades of child rape, right? That is a real thing that is still actually happening in reality, right?Or do you honestly believe that pointing out the systematic raping of children and its subsequent coverup is a “cheap shot”?
@John Cole:
Yes, that is exactly what we are supposed to do, it would appear.
stormhit
As usual, that’s neither what the “Catholic Church” has decreed or even an accurate take as far as what was in the statement.
Buck
@MikeJ: You got that right.
Buck
@stormhit:
You’re right – we’re WAY OFF BASE on this one.
[rolls eyes]
Zifnab
@MikeJ:
It wasn’t the University at large. Student groups – particularly student leadership – can get access to minor slush funds for student events and activities. Group of abstinence promoters got a hold of the money and wanted to have a “debate”. You know the kind. Where five guys show up “for” something and one guy shows up “against” and a sixth guy from the advocacy organization sponsoring the first five serves as a moderator?
If Pain Jr wanted to show up and speech, I wouldn’t see a problem with that in the least. PAYING her to attend is just stupid, though.
Maybe they can get Kristi Alli to talk about weight loss next.
John B.
@Buck: No, you misunderstand. “Misuse of sex” is like when the woman puts out just so that she can get a new car.
You have to read between the lines. “Purity of mind”, dude. Purity of mind.
BGinCHI
@Michael: “With a tiny little mustache….”
Buck
@John B.: I learn something new every day. ;-)
KatinPhilly
I wish the news about Bristol’s speaking fees just made me scoff, angry, or something. But I run a speakers bureau of exonerated death row prisoners, and I have to beg to get them a measly $500 or so, even though they are some of most profound, unique speakers one will ever hear, and actually have a tremendous impact on the students who have the privilege to spend some time with them. Instead, this made me want to weep. http://www.witnesstoinnocence.org
cmorenc
@mistermix :
Sales of rubber vaginas at adult-toy stores will soar near Catholic neighborhoods.
Jay B.
@Buck:
Yeah, it’s not like the Church is talking on behalf of God and how He wants you to get your rocks off. Or, as you point out…
God’s inability to orgasm shouldn’t be our burden, but then I’m a lapsed Transcendentalist.
hells littlest angel
So the bishops are saying blowjobs are for closers?
BGinCHI
I know it’s late to say this on such a well-developed thread, but honestly, just take a minute to think about what a major religion is doing when it does this:
God will not be satisfied, or he will be terribly angry or vengeful, if men don’t ejaculate in a woman’s vagina. Is that all he’s got to worry about? Is there no other solution than to get a church that represents a minority of humans to do this essential task?
This God sounds like an impotent fucking loser.
What else you got?
MikeJ
I don’t understand those “full quiver” people. Even god only knocked up a woman once.
Zifnab
@hells littlest angel:
I think it’s more like “You can start anything you want, just don’t finish.”
I wonder how what the Catholic stance on the female orgasm is? If the guy just hangs tight and blue balls himself, is everybody in the clear?
PurpleGirl
@Zifnab: She was invited by the Student Health Advisory Committee to take part in a panel discussion during Sexual Responsibility Week. BJer AsiangrrlMN put up a post about it at ABL’s place. TBogg also wrote about it. Washington U students got very vocal about what they thought of it. (Yay for them.)
BGinCHI
@PurpleGirl: I like their acronym: SHAC.
What could possibly go funny….
PurpleGirl
@BGinCHI: Yeah, you really do have to be careful about what your acronym spells out or what a title could be misinterpreted as.
I hung out in an assistant dean’s office during college. (The science fiction club and a biology student group had desks in the larger office complex.) His title: Vice Dean for Student Affairs.
El Cid
@MikeJ:
Yeah, but she was a guy’s fiance. God didn’t seem the mind ‘within a marriage’ thing.
BGinCHI
@PurpleGirl: Ouch, that stings.
I always try to abbreviate Assistant Dean as Ass Dean whenever I can.
Mark S.
@BGinCHI:
Of course. He created this vast universe and waited 13 billion years for humans to emerge (evolve?) so he could obsess on this kind of shit. It is totally logical.
@Zifnab:
The what?
Comrade Colette Collaboratrice
In a former life as an editor for a United Nations environmental journal, I single-handedly saved the planet from having the obvious acronym for “Sustainable Tourism Development” become standard usage. I’m still kind of sorry I spoke up.
de stijl
I believe that some British comedy group had something to say about a man’s ejaculate and the religious status thereof.
cckids
@John Cole:
Or, at least, one of the many, many girls who got pregnant, had the kid & without the benefit of millionaire parents, finished high school & college, working & taking care of their own kid. THEY would be more believable when they talk about the importance of waiting, or contraception, etc. When BP talks about how tough she has it as a single parent (with family cash, nanny, etc) my eyes roll hard enough to sprain something.
Woodrowfan
“You no playa da game, you no make-a da rules.” Earl Butz
asiangrrlMN
@PurpleGirl: Thanks for the mention, PurpleGirl. It allows me to re-post my initial post about Grifter Jr., and my delight in having the power to get her canceled just by blogging about her. Phear me.
Jager
@Buck:
My ex wife, filled with catholic guilt insisted we get re-married in the church. We had been married for over 2 years,our daughter was a year and half old. The church insisted we take “marriage lessons”. Okay then, we show up and one of the assistant Priests is the instructor, he’s about 25, virginal, nervous and has a crop of zits on his cheeks. My ex who was the mirror image of Marianne Faithful, has on boots, a leather mini-skirt and had most certainly lost all of her baby weight. This child priest was not interested in boys, my ex made him so nervous, I’m sure he was spilling his seed after every lesson. Hopefully it was into a vagina. What an experience, disgusting, amusing, infuriating,sad and a waste of time. You should have seen his face when he was “teaching” us about the act itself, my ex noticed a “boner” more than once. Me, I was staring out the window, biting my lip!
Murc
As a Rochesterian, I approve of the constant shout-outs. I just wanted to share that.
Also, as far as Bishops go, we have Matthew Clark, who is pretty okay.
drkrick
I’m trying to imagine an American publication comparable to the National Post playing this story for laughs as much as the National Post does here. Look at the picture alone, not to mention the caption. Can’t do it. It’s a shame I’m probably to old to emigrate.
Buck
@Jager: Thank you. That made my day!
Arclite
Wow. Just wow. I think that the bishops broke their own rules when they got divorced. From reality.
It also wouldn’t surprise me if their ranks were rife with chronic masturbators, thus they want to foist their own hopes for their own failings on the rest of their flock.
Arclite
Well, if they don’t know they exist, how can they become them?
Sounds like troll science to me.
El Cid
There was a time when Monty Python’s “Every Sperm is Sacred” was satire.
But as with 1984, it’s an instruction manual, rather than a cautionary tale or ribald mockery.
Triassic Sands
Who says the US isn’t a meritocracy?
Ab_Normal
@burnspbesq: Talking about criminal coverups == cheap shot. Day-um, I’m glad I’m an ex-Catholic.