True to Goodlatte the Creepy’s word, 130 members of the GOP-led House read the Constitution on the House floor yesterday. (Or at least they tried to.) They excised the parts they didn’t like (ZOMG! That 3/5 stuff is sooooo embarrassing. Oh and that Prohibition stuff? Eesh. Let’s just not talk about that.)
James Clyburn called the excision of the 3/5 Compromise aka You Negroes Ain’t Whole People So Get Offa Our Lawn, “revisionist history.” Goodlatte responded that the intention was to read the Constitution as it “currently operates.”
So, essentially, these nitwits want their version of the Constitution upheld, not the parts they don’t like (or rather, the parts they are too embarrassed to admit they like). That’s not originalism or literalism or textualism or any other -ism.1 It’s straight up fuckery.
In a further homage to the Three Stooges, the GOP-led House screwed up and didn’t read Article 4, section 4 because — get this– the pages got stuck together. (Duh and/or hello?!) Two hours after the reading was “over”, Goodlatte returned to the House floor in order to read that section into the record.
Hmm. I don’t know. Have you read Article 4, section 4? Let me introduce you:
Article 4 Section 4: The United States shall guarantee to every State in this Union a Republican Form of Government, and shall protect each of them against Invasion; and on Application of the Legislature, or of the Executive (when the Legislature cannot be convened) against domestic Violence.
Anybody else think that these ninnies accidentally on purpose didn’t read this particular section? I’m not one for conspiracy theories (I totally am), but aren’t these the same morons who are threatening secession, and rebellion, and uprising and whatnot? They will be victorious, so COME ON! They don’t need no stinking gubmint protection! They’ve got militias and will be just fine, thankyouverymuch!
Ok, it’s far-fetched… or is it?
It is. It definitely is.
The final nail in the Coffin of Stupid was hammered during the reading of the portion of the Constitution that requires the President to be born in the United States; some dumbass, in a move stolen straight from Joe Wilson’s playbook (click here for my take on that bout of ridiculousness), shouted “Except Obama, except Obama! Help us Jesus.” 2
Jesus isn’t going to help you; he doesn’t like the willfully stupid. (I know — I asked him.)
Turns out the dumbass in question was Theresa Cao, age 48:
Oh Teresa. You’re as crazy as a soup sandwich, but I have to say — you look fantastic for 48. They say black don’t crack. I guess yellow don’t mellow.
1“I did have a test today. That wasn’t bullshit. It’s on European socialism. I mean, really, what’s the point? I’m not European, I don’t plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they’re socialist? They could be fascist anarchists – that still wouldn’t change the fact that I don’t own a car. Not that I condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism – he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: “I don’t believe in Beatles – I just believe in me”. A good point there. Of course, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus – I’d still have to bum rides off of people.”
2 I can’t even muster up any sort of outrage about the Birthers anymore. I’m all tapped out. They’re just too stupid for life. I’m surprised they have the wherewithal to remember to breathe in and out. If you like, you can click here to read my Birther-related tirades, but first I’m going to need to see your long form.
[Man alive, WordPress is a jerk. Have a great weekend, Juicers! (Or else.) -Toodles! -ABL]