If you haven’t heard of The Onion, you’re dead to me.1
Here’s a bit of the article posted at The Onion; it’s entitled Frustrated Obama Sends Nation Rambling 75,000-Word E-Mail, and seriously? — If you can’t tell that the article is satire, even upon a cursory reading, then there’s probably a village that has already filed a missing persons report because it is wondering where the hell you are:
Having admittedly “reached the end of [his] rope,” President Barack Obama sent a rambling 75,000-word e-mail to the entire nation Wednesday, revealing deep frustrations with America’s political culture, his presidency, U.S. citizens, and himself.
Excerpts indicate an erratic use of capitalized and underlined words, with the phrase “Stopped a second Great Depression” mentioned 14 times in a bolded red font double the size of surrounding text. In addition, the e-mail contained multiple links to the Wikipedia entry for Social Security and line graphs of Ronald Reagan’s year-by-year approval ratings.
Because Obama copied and pasted some critical passages directly from right-wing editorials and personal blogs, the e-mail included formatting irregularities that caused many citizens to receive a message in which all of the apostrophes were replaced with question marks. Moreover, some software flagged it as spam.
“I don?t mean to be rude, but I thought we were all on the samepage about helath care reform,” the 29th paragraph of Obama’s e-mail read in part. “It was part of my platform. You all knew I was goingt o pursue it when you elected me. And just real fast, going back on what I said earlier, the economic stimulus cut taxes for 95% of Americans. It didn’t raise them. It cut them. You people need to look at facts and stop litnening to all the right wing crap out there. By the way, we’re basically out of Iraq now. You?re welcome.”
“JESUS CHRIST, WE LOST OVER @ MILLION JOBS BEFOREE I EVEN TOOK OFFICE!!!11!” reads a sentence occupying a large white space between two massive chunks of texts, one of which was a 6,500-word tangent on the Muslim community center being built two blocks from the former World Trade Center site.
According to White House sources, Obama “snapped” late Tuesday afternoon when a staffer reminded him he was scheduled to take a call from incoming Speaker of the House John Boehner. At that point, a visibly disgusted Obama was observed slowly repeating the words “House Speaker Boehner” before ordering everyone to leave the Oval Office, where he sat typing and, according to some, banging angrily on his keyboard for the next five hours.
Mediaite was able to grab some of the comments before the post was taken down:
“If this story is correct, that he did send out this email, it is very concerning about his current state of mental health. I am surprised he would be allowed to send something like this out and if he is not functioning very well why there isn’t some attention being paid to his current state.”
“Hey, you fraud: Get out. Your presidency is an affront to the exceptionalism of America. Pathetic loser.”
“HAHAHAHAHAHA OBUMMA – Un-raveled. EPIC FAILURE. IMPEACH it.3“
Our childrens isn’t learning.
1 Unless you are foreign or don’t have eyes. If you don’t have eyes, though, you probably aren’t reading this. I just offended blind people, didn’t I? I’m sorry, blind people. Some of my best friends are blind. Stevie Wonder is one of my favorite artists. He’s blind AND black, so clearly, I’m neither ableist nor racist.
2 Yes, I know there is supposed to be some difference between Fox News and FoxNation.com. No, I don’t care what it is. They’re all asshats.
3 I’m incorporating this phrase into my lexicon. “IMPEACH it.” “It’s already been IMPEACHED, yo.” (“Bring it!” is so early aughts, don’t you think?)
[I’m still on “vacation,” but I really couldn’t let this one pass.]
[cross-posted at ABLC]