So apparently, the BP disaster is going to kill us all. Like, seriously.
I’ve been sitting here staving off my increasing annoyance at life; meanwhile, none of it may matter because we’re all about to die.
So, you know how BP and the federal government have been arresting journalists and photographers who try to document the clusterfuck that is going down in the Gulf right now because of the Deepwater Horizon explosion from six months ago? (You remember the oil spill, don’t you?)
Well, apparently, according to some scientisty-type people, the media lockout is to prevent all of us hapless assholes from finding out that the shit is going down in a major way.
The BP disaster may have triggered what anyone who has seen the movie Deep Impact knows is called an Extinction Level Event, or “ELE,” or “Ellie” if you want to be really anti-feminist and blame the end of the fucking world on vaginas.
An extinction level event is a world-killer — something of apocalyptic proportions that literally causes the end of life on Earth:
- 251 million years ago, we had the Permian Extinction Event. Some scary geological crap happened; a huge ass methane bubble erupted from the Earth, which basically blew up almost everything and then poisoned everything that was left. 96 percent of life on Earth was destroyed.
- 55 million years later (i.e., 196 million years ago), there was the Late Paleocene Thermal Maximum Extinction Event. (By the way, who is coming up with the names of this shit?: “Dude, did you hear about the Mega Extreme Triple Throw Down All Up in Your Mom’s Face Extinction Event? That one was tiiiiiight!”)
During the LPTME Event, some more methane decided to erupt from the Earth and wipe out a bunch of life for 100,000 years straight. What a dick. It couldn’t wipe everything out in one fell swoop. Oh no! It had to go and terrify for one hundred thousand years, all the species that managed to pop back up after the Permian Extinction Event (or the species that, you know, just popped up all fresh out of the genetic box after the Permian Extinction Event; I don’t know how it all works — evolution ???? — all I know is that I’ve seen an elephant but I’ve never seen a wooly mammoth; think about that!)
Imagine how unmotivated a species that lived through the first ELE must have been during the next ELE. It’s like, “Hey, wanna go gather some nuts?” “Nah, what’s the point, dude. We’re going to get extinctified anyway. I’m just gonna hang out by this half-burnt tree over here.”
Well, looks like those asshats at BP may have triggered some scary geological crap that is going to lead to more methane spewing from the Earth and burning our asses up. Here’s what it boils down to:
BP’s Deepwater Horizon drilling operation may have triggered an irreversible, cascading geological Apocalypse that will culminate with the first mass extinction of life on Earth in many millions of years.
You can read all about it here — Some dude at Northwestern University, Gregory Riskin, has a theory about the oceans periodically producing massive eruptions of explosive methane gas, and then the Earth’s decision to periodically fart that gas in all of our faces, thus causing our faces to melt off and DIE.
The warning signs of this sort of ELE are: (1) the appearance of large fissures splitting up the ocean floor; (2) a rise in the elevation of the seabed; and (3) venting of methane and other gases into surrounding waters.
Guess how many of those warning signs are all happening now? Go ahead and guess?
FUCKING ALL OF THEM:
All three warning signs are documented to be occurring in the Gulf.
Ground zero: The Gulf Coast
The people and property located on the greater expanse of the Gulf Coast are sitting at Ground Zero. They will be the first exposed to poisonous, cancer causing chemical gases. They will be the ones that initially experience the full fury of a methane bubble exploding from the ruptured seabed.
The media has been kept away from the emergency salvage measures being taken to forestall the biggest catastrophe in human history. The federal government has warned them away from the epicenter of operations with the threat of a $40,000 fine for each infraction and the possibility of felony arrests.
Why is the press being kept away? Word is that the disaster is escalating.
Cracks and bulges
Methane is now streaming through the porous, rocky seabed at an accelerated rate and gushing from the borehole of the first relief well. The EPA is on record that Rig #1 is releasing methane, benzene, hydrogen sulfide and other toxic gases. Workers there now wear advanced protection including state-of-the-art, military-issued gas masks.
Reports, filtering through from oceanologists and salvage workers in the region, state that the upper level strata of the ocean floor is succumbing to greater and greater pressure. That pressure is causing a huge expanse of the seabed-estimated by some as spreading over thousands of square miles surrounding the BP wellhead-to bulge. Some claim the seabed in the region has risen an astounding 30 feet.
The fractured BP wellhead, site of the former Deepwater Horizon, has become the epicenter of frenetic attempts to quell the monstrous flow of methane.
The subterranean methane is pressurized at 100,000 pounds psi. According to Matt Simmons, an oil industry expert, the methane pressure at the wellhead has now skyrocketed to a terrifying 40,000 pounds psi.
Another well-respected expert, Dr. John Kessler of Texas A&M University has calculated that the ruptured well is spewing 60 percent oil and 40 percent methane. The normal methane amount that escapes from a compromised well is about 5 percent.
More evidence? A huge gash on the ocean floor—like a ragged wound hundreds of feet long—has been reported by the NOAA research ship, Thomas Jefferson. Before the curtain of the government enforced news blackout again descended abruptly, scientists aboard the ship voiced their concerns that the widening rift may go down miles into the earth.
That gash too is hemorrhaging oil and methane. It’s 10 miles away from the BP epicenter. Other, new fissures, have been spotted as far as 30 miles distant.
Measurements of the multiple oil plumes now appearing miles from the wellhead indicate that as much as a total of 124,000 barrels of oil are erupting into the Gulf waters daily-that’s about 5,208,000 gallons of oil per day.
Most disturbing of all: Methane levels in the water are now calculated as being almost one million times higher than normal. 
So what’s gonna happen if a methane bubble decides to burst forth from the seabed into the Gulf of Mexico? Well basically, exactly what happened in Deep Impact, except it will come from below instead of above, and it won’t be a comet, it’ll be massive quantities of methane gas. We’re talking the immediate sinking of every ship, drilling rig, and structure within the region of the up to 20-mile wide bubble. Then the ocean floor will collapse, displacing a shit ton of water, and creating atmospheric pressure the equivalent of a thermonuclear blast before creating a “towering supersonic tsunami” that will drown everyone and everything that isn’t already dead.
Basically, we’re all totally fucked:
And wouldntcha know, all of this is happening when Morgan Freeman Barack Obama is President — as if the crazies who think he’s the anti-Christ really need this little arrow in their quiver.
So, I hope there’s some serious Def-con Eleventy-type preparation going on right now behind the scenes. I want Jack Bauer (not just Kiefer Sutherland, but also, the cat) to be running around whispering and meowing in low gravelly voices, torturing A-rab geophysicists who have the solution and could save us all, but who refuse to talk because we’re still holding some of their terrorist friends in the bowels of Gitmo.
Somebody better save us is all I’m saying. I don’t care if it’s Will Smith or Hillary Swank. I don’t care if I have to look at Ben Affleck’s chest all greased up like a pig or Bruce Willis’s bald yet inexplicably sexy head shoved into a spacesuit. Throw Tom Cruise in the mix. I don’t care.
I just want somebody to save our dumb asses.
Do it for Johnny. Put ’em in a body bag.
Or else, it’s game over, man.
We all might actually die in a fire.
That would really piss me off.
[Good afternoooooooon BJers! I am having a fucking blast over here. Ferreals. Anywhoozle, I blog because… well… I have a couple screws loose and I crack myelf up. I mean, if you can’t make yourself laugh, who can you make laugh? No one, that’s who. What were we talking about? Oh yeah. This post popped up on my Angry Black Post Roulette–I wrote it in July and it’s one of my favorites. I figured, why not share it (edited version) with you, my new friends! After all, it’s tangentially related to Morgan Freeman and BP still fucking sucks, right? I’ll have some original content soon, but I have to go get my hair and nails did, and then I have to do laundry, pack and get ready to make the cross-country journey to D.C. for the rally shenannies. I’m going to hunt down Jon Stewart and/or Stephen Colbert and by gum, I’m going to try to sit in one of their laps. Hope everyone is having a day. Toodles! -ABL Oh, and P.S.: What the hell does “We are all Mayans now mean?” I don’t get it!]