In 48 hours, we have learned of a new list of requirements in order to be a Justice on the Supreme Court. The following is a brief summation (to date- will update as necessary):
1.) Titillating David Brooks– no boring career oriented types need apply. Try to squeeze in some college era hijinks to liven up that vita- maybe a possession bust as an undergrad, some racy Facebook pictures, or a term paper supportive of Mao.
2.) Ed Whelan demands a valid driver’s license and there will be a proficiency test to demonstrate “mastery” of the subject.
3.) Paul Campos would like a dissertation on the history of curriculum theory (no slouching and skipping out on the role of hermeneutics and critical theory), a treatise on best pedagogical practices, a complete review of the collected works of John Dewey, and a positive evaluation from every lazy student you may have ever had.
4.) Andrew Sullivan would like proof one way or another of your sexual orientation. I suppose pictures will do, but the apparent gold standards are the assurances of Jeffrey Toobin and Eliot Spitzer.
5.) Somewhat related to #4, K-LO has decided that four out of over one hundred justices have been women, and this poses a grave threat to the white male, so no more va-jay-jays- women need not apply.
6.) David Bernstein is tired of Ivy Leaguers, so come on down, Heritage Law students!
8.) Ed Whelan is also requiring that future justices not be residents (current or former) of New York City.
9.) Michael Steele is demanding that you not question the Constitutional Right to practice of slavery.
10.) Lynn Sweet would like a decent batting stance. And no, I’m not kidding. According to recent debates, proof of a good baseball stance could also serve as verification of your sexual status, as required by Sullivan in point number four.
*** Update ***
11.) Sullivan is now demanding a record of taking risks and failing to prove a record of life experience.
12.) And Howard Kurtz requires a spouse and children:
Am I missing anything? Law students, I hope you are paying attention!
And if someone could tell me when it was that every last person on the planet completely lost their shit, I would really appreciate it.