Get Mad Eazy-E, You Eightball Junkie

More family values:

In an incident in which the perpetrator should have considered that he would become a household name on Wonkette before going through with it, former Missouri House Speaker Rod Jetton is facing assault charges for allegedly beating the shit out of his mistress while having sex. His ladyfriend had not uttered the “safe word,” probably because Jetton was beating her unconscious.

Allegedly, the safe words were “Say no to gay marriage.”

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53 replies
  1. 1
    beltane says:

    I was hoping this story would make its way here. My only question is this: Why can’t Republicans have normal affairs? Are these people even capable of non-violent sex that isn’t part of a commercial transaction, or that does not involve using wet-suits or taxpayer funded expense accounts?

  2. 2
    comrade scott's agenda of rage says:

    Welcome to my state. Sure, other states have a more prominent batshit insane, hypocritical douchenozzle reputation. But…

    Live here for thirteen fucking years and you’ll see just how well we compete in that arena.

    I’ll be amazed if this asshole resigns. In fact, he’ll probably get reelected.

  3. 3
    Kris says:

    It seems like white people have been having a rough day.

  4. 4
    Zifnab says:

    Marriage isn’t really sacred unless you’ve got someone, somewhere trying to defile it. And since gays can’t wed…

    Seriously, though. Beating your mistress is definitely one of the all time douche bag moves. What happened to the carefree innocence of the double wetsuit guy with black dildo anus?

  5. 5
    danimal says:

    @beltane:

    Are these people even capable of non-violent sex that isn’t part of a commercial transaction, or that does not involve using wet-suits or taxpayer funded expense accounts?

    Yes, closeted gay Republicans are capable of loving, non-violent sex. They just can’t admit it to anyone.

  6. 6
    Just Some Fuckhead says:

    I guess ya gotta be a little twisted in the first place to be attracted to a Republican.

  7. 7
    mcc says:

    Allegedly, the safe words were “Say no to gay marriage.”

    On that note.

    Two adults who are consenting and who are like-minded and within their mental capacities should be allowed to be with each other. I think it’s an outrage

    No, he’s not talking about gay marriage. That’s NY State Senator Hiram Monserrate, who voted against the NY State gay marriage bill, complaining about the unfairness of the court order which prevents him from seeing his girlfriend after he was convicted of assault against her

  8. 8
    freelancer says:

    Rod Jetton

    That is all.

  9. 9
    debit says:

    @danimal: That was both sad and yet somehow beautiful. Somewhere, Lindsey Graham sheds a tear.

  10. 10
    smiley says:

    He’s a Republican, not a Reagan conservative. Reagan conservatism cannot fail. It can only be failed.

  11. 11
    Why oh why says:

    What about the sanctity of beating up and choking your mistress while having sex? Another attack on the traditional Republican values.

  12. 12
    Mark S. says:

    @Zifnab:

    What happened to the carefree innocence of the double wetsuit guy with black dildo anus?

    It was a more innocent time, that’s for sure.

  13. 13
    Jay B. says:

    My only question is this: Why can’t Republicans have normal affairs? Are these people even capable of non-violent sex that isn’t part of a commercial transaction, or that does not involve using wet-suits or taxpayer funded expense accounts?

    Short answer: No.

    Longer answer: There really is something about the whole “repression” thing that fractures your mind. They are so abnormal when it comes to sex that sex has to be abnormal. They basically want to criminalize sex and so…their sex is criminalized. For a good example, you can even use Eliot Spitzer. I like the guy. He was a force for good against Wall St. But he had a weakness for high-end prostitutes AND grandstanding against them.

    But that’s sundry hypocrisy compared to the exotic, shattered notion of everything from fidelity to what sex actually IS that Republicans have. This is what happens when you make it a vicious cultural wedge issue while simultaneously commanding that people don’t think about it, talk about it in school or act on it in a healthy way.

  14. 14
    debit says:

    Hey! Where the hell did my edit button go?

  15. 15
    The Republic of Stupidity says:

    @beltane:

    Are these people even capable of non-violent sex that isn’t part of a commercial transaction, or that does not involve using wet-suits or taxpayer funded expense accounts?

    You forgot to add: ‘small children and/or frightened livestock’ to that list…

    Said the victim to the police interviewer…

    ‘He was a ba-a-a-a-a-a-d man… a ba-a-a-a-a-d man…’

  16. 16
    Comrade Darkness says:

    This dovetailing with wonkette is telling. We’ve all become hawkeye pierce, behaving insane to remain sane in a den of insanity.

  17. 17
    debit says:

    @Comrade Darkness: And drinking heavily. Don’t forget the heavy drinking.

  18. 18
    Mumphrey says:

    Where do they find these people? Do they have tryouts? Do they shoot down the run-of-the-mill assholes and bigots, and only give the green light to the truly antisocial, sadistic deviants? The Republican Party has become nothing more than an organization for sociopaths.

  19. 19
    comrade scott's agenda of rage says:

    Remember everybody, harder is not a good safe word.

  20. 20
    DougJ says:

    I like the idea of the safe words being “Happy Holidays”.

  21. 21
    freelancer says:

    @Zifnab:

    What happened to the carefree innocence of the double wetsuit guy with black dildo anus?

    Smokinggun never said it was black.

    You’re a racist, also.

  22. 22
    comrade scott's agenda of rage says:

    @Mumphrey:

    Where do they find these people? Do they have tryouts? Do they shoot down the run-of-the-mill assholes and bigots, and only give the green light to the truly antisocial, sadistic deviants? The Republican Party has become nothing more than an organization for sociopaths.

    Here in Misery, they’re bred in axlotl tanks located in the basement of every Six Flags over Jeeebus church down in the southwest corner of the state.

  23. 23
    White Rabbit says:

    I’m watching “Alice” on SyFy – all too often reading these here lefty bloggy thingys on the intertubes – I feel like I done gone down the rabbit hole. The mind wobbles. How many keyboards must die from being sprayed with assorted beverages before we say “enough!”. Thanks for sharing the hilarity

  24. 24
    The Republic of Stupidity says:

    What happened to the carefree innocence of the double wetsuit guy with black dildo anus?

    Aw geez… this line reads like a bad ‘to-English’ translation of some highly dubious Asian sex film…

  25. 25
    Dreggas says:

    It’s assholes like this that give BDSM and kink lifestyles in general a bad name.

  26. 26
    freelancer says:

    @Kris:

    It seems like white people have been having a rough day.

    Drexel Spivey: He must have thought it was white boy day. It ain’t white boy day, is it?
    Marty: No man, It ain’t white boy day.

  27. 27
    Ben JB says:

    Allegedly, the safe words were “Say no to gay marriage.”

    Shouldn’t a safe word/phrase be something you wouldn’t normally say? So, for these people “say no to gay marriage” would be as bad a choice for a safe word as “more tax cuts”–or, for that matter, “Wolverines! Also.”

  28. 28
    Steeplejack says:

    @debit:

    There are only so many to go around, and a lot of people are commenting tonight.

  29. 29
    Tsulagi says:

    Allegedly, the safe words were “Say no to gay marriage.”

    Okay, I shouldn’t have laughed at that.

    Classic Republican sense of responsibility and accountability. She didn’t say the safe words while he was choking her and beating her unconscious. Her fault. No doubt he sees himself as the victim. Maybe this is how real American defenders of family values hunt for a soulmate in MO.

  30. 30
    Steeplejack says:

    @The Republic of Stupidity:

    “Why, no, officer, I was just helping that sheep over the fence.”

  31. 31
    The Republic of Stupidity says:

    @Steeplejack:

    Indeedy… THAT certainly ‘slpains why there’s a shortage of virgin wool in Red states…

    And whatever you do… DON’T let him near the Woolite…

  32. 32
    scav says:

    This entire thread wins the tubz for the month.

  33. 33

    Please tell me there is an article from the AP out there that contains both “Missouri House Speaker” and “safe word”

  34. 34

    It’s assholes like this that give BDSM and kink lifestyles in general a bad name.

    Okay, let’s, just for the moment and purely for the sake of argument, give him the complete benefit of the doubt. This is the reason (well, in addition to the whole blood chemistry thing) that breath play is so fucking dangerous.

  35. 35
    Jamie says:

    Jetton: v.

    1) To engage in risky sex in an overly enthusiastic manner with too little care given to safety.

    2) To beat the shit out of someone while claiming sense (1) as an excuse.

    (Yes, Michael – breathplay is something to be seriously careful with.)

    What happened to the carefree innocence of the double wetsuit guy with black dildo anus?

    This needs to be painted as a still life. Gary Aldridge, Wetsuit Guy With Black Dildo Anus (2007)

  36. 36
    YellowJournalism says:

    I bet the safewords were “Micheal Moore” but he could only hear “more” between the sounds of his fists hitting her.

  37. 37
    Roger Moore says:

    @beltane:

    Are these people even capable of non-violent sex that isn’t part of a commercial transaction, or that does not involve using wet-suits or taxpayer funded expense accounts?

    Yes, but they aren’t satisfied by it. That’s why it’s usually the mistress/prostitute/gay lover who’s involved in the kinky stuff, rather than the wife. Or maybe it’s just selection bias. The ones who are satisfied doing missionary with their wives never get into the news for it. Even the ones who want watch their wives have sex with strangers in Paris sex clubs don’t get in the news unless the wife gets upset and files for divorce over it.

  38. 38
    YankeeApologist says:

    Besides Republican Congressmen, who else exhibts classic signs of sexual repression leading to outbursts of violence?

    Serial killers.

    That is all.

  39. 39
    Quaker in a Basement says:

    Yeah, yeah.

    Now about Tiger Woods….

  40. 40
    Martin says:

    @Kris:

    It seems like white people have been having a rough day.

    Well, the ones on the bottom moreso than the ones on the top.

  41. 41
    Nancy Irving says:

    What part of “green balloons” don’t you understand, punk? ROTF…

  42. 42
    SIA aka ScreamingInAtlanta says:

    Am I a bad person for thinking this is fucking hilarious? (from the Wonkette article)

    First the boring correction: Jetton and his wife agreed to a divorce settlement earlier this year, although it’s unclear if that’s been finalized. We don’t know why they got this divorce, but probably because Rod Jetton likes to beat people unconscious during sex.
    __
    But the big news: the password was “green balloons.” As in, “You should have said green balloons,” which is a direct quote from Rod Jetton.
    __
    “Green balloons” is common street slang for “ha ha you are unconscious and cannot say this term right now.”

  43. 43
    DougL (frmrly: Conservatively Liberal) says:

    @SIA aka ScreamingInAtlanta:

    I like the comment there that “Limbaugh” should have been the safe word though I would have pointed out that while this safe word will make liberal dicks go limp, it has the opposite effect on wingnuts. That and that the one who said the safe word was “Michael Moore” but between blows all Rod could hear her say was “Moore”.

    Me is bad and laughing my ass off. :)

    Suppressing your true nature to fit the Republican mold is difficult, ask Ted “Browneye” Haggard, Senator Larry “Wide Stance” Craig, Senator “Diaper” Dave Vitter and numerous other wingers about it.

    It’s kind of like being a Catholic priest.

  44. 44
    DougL (frmrly: Conservatively Liberal) says:

    @YellowJournalism:

    Oops, you get the credit for the “Michael Moore” line! Good one, how very Wonketteish of you to come up with that one. :)

    I better smoke another bowl or two…

  45. 45
    Anne Laurie says:

    Green balloons“? I am reminded of my all-girl working-class Catholic high school, and the memorable day when Sister Principal harangued us over the p.a. system with a speech that started, more or less, “Those of you girls who won’t understand what I’m about to talk about — stop listening right now. And those of you who DO — you should be ashamed of yourselves! ! !”

    As the homeroom teachers explained afterwards, some of our classmates had secured illicit access to a third-grade classroom in the adjoining grammar-school building. And every Monday morning, the little kids were finding… discarded white balloons under their desks. And apparently it was several weeks before any of those kids’ parents were willing to admit they knew what those rubber novelties really were…

  46. 46
    tspog says:

    “Rod Jetton” could be the greatest porn name evah

  47. 47
    Gravenstone says:

    And today’s lesson – always arrange a non-verbal alternative safe signal if speech may in any way be impaired. And yes, breath play is fucking dangerous. Just ask Michael Hutchence.

  48. 48
    Johnny Pez says:

    So, how long before Fox News identifies this guy as a Democrat?

  49. 49
    Dr. Squid says:

    Wotta farging surprise. I had hoped that he had run for governor last cycle – that way I could have seen him be completely and publicly destroyed.

    Instead, he appears to have destroyed himself. Delicious. Today will be a good day.

  50. 50
    Stefan says:

    Remember everybody, “harder” is not a good safe word.

    Nor is “more.”

  51. 51

    […] But, still, I can’t help but wax nostalgic carefree innocence of double wetsuits and suits. […]

  52. 52
    Bill O'Reilly says:

    @DougJ: You antireligious bigot! Why is your safe word not “Merry Christmas!”?

  53. 53

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