The Bible Has a Well-Known Liberal Bias

I gotta admit, I didn’t see this coming:

Conservative Bible Project From Conservapedia

Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations. There are three sources of errors in conveying biblical meaning:

* lack of precision in the original language, such as terms underdeveloped to convey new concepts of Christianity
* lack of precision in modern language
* translation bias in converting the original language to the modern one.

Of these three sources of errors, the last introduces the largest error, and the biggest component of that error is liberal bias. Large reductions in this error can be attained simply by retranslating the KJV into modern English.

You just can not make this shit up.

(via)






194 replies
  1. 1
    jibeaux says:

    Wow, the King James Version is in “the original language”, huh? Very skolarly.

  2. 2
    Davis X. Machina says:

    When I was a TA teaching Latin down south at an Enormous State University, several of the practice sentences in the text were famous quotations from Jerome’s Vulgate. I was asked annually “Who translated, and for what earthly audience, the KJV into Latin?”

  3. 3
    mcc says:

    In the United States and much of the world, the immensely popular and respected King James Version (KJV) is freely available and in the public domain. It could be used as the baseline for developing a conservative translation without requiring a license or any fees. Where the KJV is known to be deficient due to discovery of more authentic sources, exceptions can be made that use either more modern public domain translations as a baseline, or by using the original Greek or Hebrew.

    So… do I understand this correctly that when they say “retranslation”, they don’t mean “we’re making a new translation from original sources”, but rather “we’re taking the translated King James’ Version and rewriting it in modern english, changing the things we don’t like as we go”?

  4. 4
    mclaren says:

    But when are they gonna start rewriting the laws of physics to get rid of that pesky liberal bias?

  5. 5
    DougJ says:

    They should probably do this with the constitution too.

  6. 6
    russell says:

    Express Free Market Parables; explaining the numerous economic parables with their full free-market meaning

    Shoot me now.

  7. 7
    nitpicker says:

    This will end up being the opposite of the “Jefferson Bible,” since the most liberal figure in the Bible is Jesus. Their Bible will end up being Leviticus + the epistles of Paul.

  8. 8
    Josh says:

    Wait, what language do they think the KJV is in? Middle English?

  9. 9
    The Moar You Know says:

    A: These people are insane. Truly and totally insane.
    B: I’m no religious scholar, but I have read the Bible and I recall some very specific injunctions against exactly this kind of activity.
    C: Just exactly how many of the direct quotations of Jesus will be left? I’m betting not many, he seems like kind of a liberal and merciful guy.
    D: These people are insane. Truly and totally insane. I said that already? Well, to be honest I’m not sure it can be said enough. These people are insane. Truly and totally insane.

  10. 10
    Michael says:

    If it isn’t true, it may be the best street theater I’ve ever seen.

    LOL

  11. 11
    dr. bloor says:

    I am pretty sure that “Love thy neighbor,” is a mistranslation of the original “Waterboard that fucking Islamofascist scum. Also.”

  12. 12

    @DougJ:

    They should probably do this with the constitution too.

    They did, it was called the Bush/Cheney administration.

  13. 13
    Crashman06 says:

    @mcc: I think that’s what they’re saying. It’s safe to assume that this is their only option, since anyone dumb enough to undertake a project like this almost certainly doesn’t know how to read or translate Aramaic.

  14. 14
    Politically Lost says:

    One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the conservative evangelical Christians that either don’t understand the sermon on the mount or ignore it, or both.

    Holding contradictory ideas is the cornerstone of the authoritarian mindset.

    Jesus is a DFH if there ever was one. How the sermon on the mount translates into mega churches, pantie sniffing, destroying the environment, denying science and getting rich on the backs of the poor I’ll never know.

  15. 15
    Dreggas says:

    Ya know, I am distantly related to the Zonderfan’s, ya know the ones who print the most bible’s etc. From my recollection those relations are not the most liberal.

  16. 16
    Loneoak says:

    Matthew 5 (King James Wingnut Version)

    Matthew 5

    1And seeing the multitudes 18 gazillion teabaggers, he went up into a mountain pickup truck: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:

    2And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,

    3Blessed are the poor in spirit kerners: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

    4Blessed are they that mourn forward wingnut emails: for they shall be comforted deleted by their relatives.

    5Blessed are the meek estate tax evaders: for they shall inherit the earth.

    6Blessed are they which do hunger eat Cheetos and thirst after righteousness Code Red Mountain Dew: for they shall be filled.

    7Blessed are the merciful snide and angry: for they shall obtain mercy airtime on Fox.

    8Blessed are the pure in heart hatred: for they shall see God.

    9Blessed are the peacemakers gun colelctors: for they shall be called the children of God Heston.

    10Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. ALSO, TOO.

  17. 17
    RSA says:

    Large reductions in this error can be attained simply by retranslating the KJV into modern English.

    I can see the problem here–you know how Shakespeare’s later plays, which were written at the same time that the KJV was being written, are completely incomprehensible to modern audiences. For what it’s worth, in any “re”translation, I want more explosions and shit.

  18. 18
    mantis says:

    under “Advantages to a Conservative Bible Online”

    this would bring the Bible to a new audience of political types, for their benefit; Bible courses in college Politics Departments would be welcome

    If only the bible were more conservative, then they could teach it in Poli-Sci classes!

  19. 19
    Mayken says:

    Yes, because the King James Version has no bias at all!
    Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

  20. 20
    mantis says:

    the ensuing debate would flesh out — and stop — the infiltration of churches by liberals pretending to be Christian, much as a vote by legislators exposes the liberals

    Evangelism. You’re doing it wrong.

  21. 21
    zmulls says:

    After all “Turn the other cheek” is both liberal *and* homoerotic

  22. 22
    Mayken says:

    @Mayken: not to mention that pesky bit about not being the original language but others already brought that point up.

  23. 23
    calipygian says:

    Anyway to get rid of that lie-brul sounding Jesus character? He has much of a touch of Teh Ghey to me

  24. 24
    GambitRF says:

    If you just slapped the banner from The Onion at the top of that page, no one would question it. Literally impossible for a parody to be more absurd.

    There’s so much funny stuff throughout the page:

    -The completely conflicting “10 guidelines”: It shouldn’t be dumbed down, but it should avoid “liberal wordiness.” (Which apparently includes saying “Lord God” instead of “Lord.” …The hell?) Also, they want to get rid of defective translations, but they also at the same time want to make it more modernized (“gambling” instead of “cast lot”)

    -In their “benefits include:” list, they pretty much say flat out that one of the reasons they’re doing it is because it would piss liberals off and make them want to try and refute their version, thus making all the dirty, hippie, atheists want to read the Bible. Its so crafty, mwahahaha

    -The first example of liberal bias is Jesus saying “”Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Apparently Jesus being forgiving isn’t really what you’re supposed to take from the Gospel, rather its mere liberal trickery.

    I really don’t think you could make this up if you tried.

  25. 25
    Midnight Marauder says:

    This is the only question I’ve had since I read about this:

    I thought that these types belived in the inerrancy of The Bible. Silly me, I thought that was actually kind of important to “conservatives” today.

    So what, then, do these people now have to say about the inerrancy of The Bible, if it is so deficient that it needs rescuing from the tentacles of evil liberals?

  26. 26
    Wag says:

    You just can not make this shit up.

    Sure you can. The wingnuts will then do something so much more inane/stupid that anything that you have made up will palin (oops, pale in) comparision, but you CAN make this shit up.

  27. 27
    Skippy says:

    Just wait till the penny finally drops about Jesus. I mean, the man had long hair, wore sandals, talked about peace and love all the time, and rebelled against his parents. He was totally a DFH.

  28. 28
    Polish the Guillotines says:

    @DougJ: Sweet! The Conservatution!

    Me first:

    The Senators and Representatives before mentioned, and the members of the several state legislatures, and all executive and judicial officers, both of the United States and of the several states, shall be bound by oath or affirmation, to support this Constitution; but no and religious tests shall ever be required as a qualification to any office or public trust under the United States.

  29. 29
    SpotWeld says:

    @mclaren: I hate to break this to you, but Conservapedia already states that the Theory of Relativty has a liberal bias, as evidenced by it’s use to justify moral relativity and somehow abortion.

    See:
    http://rationalwiki.com/wiki/C.....sorship_of

    Also, this really isn’t a surprise, Adrew Schafley was pointing out how the “Adultress Story” was “too liberal” to really be part of the bible back in March of ’07.

    See: http://rationalwiki.com/wiki/C.....al_Outlook

  30. 30
    GambitRF says:

    @Midnight Marauder:

    I thought that these types belived in the inerrancy of The Bible. Silly me, I thought that was actually kind of important to “conservatives” today.

    They believe in the inerrancy of the version that they’re about to make up.

  31. 31
    Bullsmith says:

    According to some link I followed, this project was infiltrated by satirists at some earlier point. And very likely is again. I mean, how would you tell?

  32. 32
    Sentient Puddle says:

    Not too shocking to me. I’ve seen for a while now how the more fundamentalist varieties of Protestants swear by the King James and look at any other version as toilet paper. This is just the first time that I’ve seen it given a political slant (but seriously, if we’re talking fundamentalists, you could see this coming a mile away).

    I think they do have half a point. King James isn’t the easiest translation to read because it really is that archaic. And they do seem to recognize that translation does invariably alter meanings. Problem is, they don’t seem to get the glaring implication of that last part: you’re changing the fucking meaning. I’m not sure how a group of what I assume to be literalists (which is a pretty safe assumption) justifies doing something to change the bloody meaning of the text. They might as well just rewrite the Bible from scratch while they’re at it.

  33. 33
    El Tiburon says:

    You just can not make this shit up.

    You can but they would throw you in the loony bin.

  34. 34
    calipygian says:

    How are they going to change that part in Genesis where Abraham gets jiggy with his daughters to make it Conservative? Make Abraham wear two wetsuits and have one daughter ram a dildo up his ass?

  35. 35
    Penfold says:

    @Crashman06:

    I thought the ealiest source version, aside from Hebrew stuff, of the Bible was the Greek one.

    @Davis X. Machina:

    That’s really frightening.

  36. 36
    mantis says:

    -The first example of liberal bias is Jesus saying “”Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” Apparently Jesus being forgiving isn’t really what you’re supposed to take from the Gospel, rather its mere liberal trickery.

    Actually, this objection goes back a ways. It’s the primary objection of those who still want to blame the Jews for the death of Jesus. It’s tougher to justify and continue centuries of oppression of Jews when Jesus specifically says to forgive them. Ok, it’s not really tougher, but that line is just so annoying!

  37. 37
    El Cruzado says:

    Hard to believe it’s not a spoof, but not too hard either.

  38. 38
    BongCrosby says:

    I, for one, am looking forward to the part where Jesus throws the panhandlers out of the temple.

  39. 39
    Genine says:

    I think the cognitive dissonance is getting to conservatives. All the “heal the sick and help the poor” talk from Jesus gets in the way of getting their agenda across- which is the opposite.

    I wish I could say this surprises me… it doesn’t.

  40. 40
    Wag says:

    They might as well just rewrite the Bible from scratch while they’re at it.

    Well, sure, why not? Get’s you past all that tough thinking stuff.

  41. 41
    Molly says:

    @Politically Lost: “Jesus is a DFH if there ever was one. How the sermon on the mount translates into mega churches, pantie sniffing, destroying the environment, denying science and getting rich on the backs of the poor I’ll never know.”

    Simple answer: It doesn’t translate.

    Jesus was a liberal. Just ask the Romans.

  42. 42
    Skippy says:

    It’s getting to the point now where the wingnuts will soon accuse English of having a liberal bias. And that would really make their heads explode, seeing how Keeping America Speaking English has been one of many racist cornerstones of the GOP platform.

  43. 43
    jrosen says:

    “Another sidenote is that the Liberal/ Socialist interpretation of the Bible doesn’t mention the United States or America at all, this of course will be changed in the new improved version of the Bible. ”

    This has to be snark! Somebody is doing a great leg-pull.

    My suggestion: For “Lord” use “His Noodliness!”

    I’m a recently converted Pastafarian and we need a Bible too.

  44. 44
    gnomedad says:

    Large reductions in this error can be attained simply by retranslating the KJV into modern Republican English.

    Fixed. This is gonna be good.

  45. 45
    Danton says:

    I can’t wait to read the conservative Song of Solomon. And Revelations should be… uh… interesting. But I have a feeling the project will stall in the middle of Genesis.

  46. 46
    neil says:

    This is all you need to teach you the concept of cognitive dissonance.

    There’s a liberal bias in the Bible, all right.

  47. 47
    Penfold says:

    @calipygian:

    You know, given some of the other shit in that book, I don’t know if it would really stick out. Though, the wetsuits are anachronistic.

    But, you know what all this reminds me of? Douglas Adams.

    And then, one Thursday, nearly two thousand years after one man had been nailed to a tree for saying how great it would be to be nice to people for a change, a girl sitting on her own in a small café in Rickmansworth suddenly realized what it was that had been going wrong all this time, and she finally knew how the world could be made a good and happy place. This time it was right, it would work, and no one would have to get nailed to anything.

    It’ll be interesting to see what their 99% Jesus-free bible looks like. Damn DFH.

  48. 48
    Quicksand says:

    I can’t wait to see the results of this.

    Current versions of the bible aren’t misogynistic, homophobic, xenophobic, and violent enough for you? Check out the Book of Rambo, the story of Jesus and his 12 apostles heavily armed militiamen.

  49. 49
    Ben says:

    @GambitRF & @SpotWeld: Scholars of such things consider the passages you’re talking to be later inclusions. But those scholars are clearly liberals or they wouldn’t be critiquing the literal words of God. So these folks are accepting liberal critique in pursuit of de-liberalizing the Bible. Clearly cognitive dissonance is their true area of specialization.

  50. 50
    Polish the Guillotines says:

    @BongCrosby:

    I, for one, am looking forward to the part where Jesus throws the panhandlers out of the temple.

    FTW.

  51. 51
    GambitRF says:

    I dunno what they’re going to do about the whole “its harder for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the gates of heaven” thing. Maybe they’ll just say they were really talking specifically about George Soros.

  52. 52
    Leo says:

    I’m not totally sure yet, but on a first reading I think this may be my favorite thing ever in the entire world.

  53. 53
    Bubblegum Tate says:

    @BongCrosby:

    And the part where he tells the lepers to get a job!

  54. 54

    >>”… the biggest component of that error is liberal bias. Large reductions in this error can be attained simply by retranslating the KJV into modern English.”

    Who knew evil liberals were running amok in England four centuries ago?

    Seriously, I think we must attribute this and similar examples of Raving Dumbness to the fact that a lot of kids educated in home schooling or in those so-called Christian schools have come of age, and are now revealing that their education focused on belief rather than reality.

    Can’t wait to see how the Beatitudes fare. “Blessed are the profit takers”?

  55. 55
    JGabriel says:

    Large reductions in this error can be attained simply by retranslating the KJV into modern English.

    That would be the same KJV that translates the Greek word for rope as “camel”?

    They really are completely clueless.

    .

  56. 56
    JackieBinAZ says:

    They don’t actually need to change the beatitudes, just clarify that Jesus didn’t mean for them to apply to Republicans.

  57. 57
    WMass says:

    Jesus wasn’t some long haired hippie, He rode around on a Tyrannosaurus Rex slaughtering liberals with a flamethrower in one hand and an 12 guage in the other. Don’t you potheads know anything?

  58. 58
    Dave L says:

    This is (almost) beyond belief:

    The earliest, most authentic manuscripts lack this verse set forth at Luke 23:34:[7]

    Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

    Is this a liberal corruption of the original? This does not appear in any other Gospel, and the simple fact is that some of the persecutors of Jesus did know what they were doing. This quotation is a favorite of liberals but should not appear in a conservative Bible.

    So I checked their preferred original source, the King James Bible, and here’s what that fallen liberal screed had:

    “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.”

    In other words, this isn’t remotely a re-translation project. This is about making up a Bible that matches their prejudices. To put it in their own terms, it is radically liberal in nature.

  59. 59
    Qbert says:

    For instance that line about the rich man and the camel getting through the eye of a needle, conveniently conceals the fact that back in the Biblical era, needles were fucking HUGE.

  60. 60
    asiangrrlMN says:

    Bwahahahahahahaha (deep breath) hahahahahahahahaha!

    Best laugh I’ve had in ages. I can’t wait to read it!

  61. 61
    Roger Moore says:

    @calipygian:

    How are they going to change that part in Genesis where Abraham gets jiggy with his daughters to make it Conservative?

    That’s actually Lot, not Abraham. Abraham was the one whose wife asked him to bonk her servant so he could have a son, only to get pissed at the servant when she started acting uppity after the plan succeeded.

    @GambitRF:

    I dunno what they’re going to do about the whole “its harder for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the gates of heaven” thing.

    You messed up the quote. It’s easier for the camel to pass through the eye of the needle than for a rich man to enter heaven, not harder. I think they can change that one just by changing “rich” to “poor”; it’s certainly much closer to conservative philosophy.

  62. 62
    slag says:

    Is this going to be the kind of thing in which the wingnuts “interpret the Bible literally”? Because I hear that’s actually the province of liberal fascists.

  63. 63
    Pasquinade says:

    Everyone should send the link to this thread to the religion columnists/editors of their local papers.

  64. 64
    Zuzu's Petals says:

    Having grown up with the KJV, I have to admit I’m partial to the language. But I don’t kid myself on the accuracy of the translation.

    Especially after hearing what my Jewish friends have to say about it. Really, they have to bite their tongues.

  65. 65
    Yaco says:

    The definitive modern translation of the bible:

    http://www.lolcatbible.com/

  66. 66
    ThatLeftTurnInABQ says:

    @Bullsmith:

    According to some link I followed, this project was infiltrated by satirists at some earlier point. And very likely is again. I mean, how would you tell?

    I’m guessing that somewhere about halfway through the Epistle of Saint Paul to the Pacific Northwest Arboreal Octupus, some of the sharper ones will begin to smell a rat…

  67. 67
    calipygian says:

    That’s actually Lot, not Abraham. Abraham was the one whose wife asked him to bonk her servant so he could have a son, only to get pissed at the servant when she started acting uppity after the plan succeeded.

    Sorry for the mix up. There are so many people in the Bible fucking people they shouldn’t be fucking, it may as well be CPAC.

  68. 68
    Deschanel says:

    I’m looking forward to the scene where Jesus gives a flowery speech admiring the free-market money-changers in the Temple, and inviting them to ring the bell in the Temple gift shop. Which we all know is the Biblical origin of that NY Stock Exchange tradition.

  69. 69
    valdivia says:

    first they came for the science texbooks, and I did not speak out—because I was not a scientist;

    Then they came for the history textbooks, and I did not speak out—because I was not a historian;

    Then they came for the Bible—and there was no one left to speak out for it since all sense of truth and proportion was lost a long time ago.

  70. 70
    cursorial says:

    I think you’re rushing to judgement. I for one look forward to finding out where Jesus would set marginal tax rates.

    (I was curious whether this was partly satire, and can’t tell – but the dialogue on conservapedia itself is pretty amusing.)

  71. 71
    BDeevDad says:

    Put this together with the why Jews vote liberal posts and there could be an aha moment.

  72. 72
    Zuzu's Petals says:

    @Danton:

    Speaking of the book ofRevelation:

    18 For I testify to every man that hears the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add to these things, God shall add to him the plagues that are written in this book: 19 And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

  73. 73
    Zam says:

    The story of Jesus and the Wolverines!

  74. 74
    Comrade Dread says:

    You know, I recall that there is a verse in the bible that says adding or taking away from the words of the book will result in some very bad things for your soul.

    If trying to meld Randian free market philosophy with the teachings of Jesus (whose early followers practiced a form of consensual communism) isn’t adding, I don’t know what is.

  75. 75
    Rommie says:

    It worked out eventually for Joseph Smith, even if he was quite dead by the time it really caught on. Maybe they think they can do the Church of the Real JC quicker with modern tools.

  76. 76
    calipygian says:

    If trying to meld Randian free market philosophy with the teachings of Jesus (whose early followers practiced a form of consensual communism) isn’t adding so bat-shit insane considering Rand’s atheism that it would get most people a shot of Haldol and a reserved spot in Bellevue, I don’t know what is.

  77. 77
    geg6 says:

    I really don’t even know what the hell to say about this. I mean, I HATE religion. All of them. I think they are all a big joke. But I never thought I’d see believers making a bigger joke of one of their holy books than I would. This should send all but the Southern Baptists into freakin’ orbit. You think the schism between the Shiaa and the Sunnis creates problems in the world? You ain’t seen nothin’ yet, folks. Holy shit, are these people stupid.

  78. 78
    calipygian says:

    @calipygian: Fixed

  79. 79
    parksideq says:

    @Dave L: This.

    At first I just giggled at the inanity of it all, but then I realized that shit like this is exactly why I’m agnostic now, and it only made me feel pity for anyone that still buys into the crap about the Bible’s infallibility.

    Between this load of epic fail and the threat of Sarah-geddon, I fear the wingularity is fast upon us.

  80. 80
    Comrade Sock Puppet of the Great Satan says:

    “How are they going to change that part in Genesis where Abraham gets jiggy with his daughters to make it Conservative? ”

    Lot getting jiggy with his daughters, actually.

    Well, you see it was the wanton teenagers getting broody while they were in the wilderness and getting Daddy drunk so they could engender babies. Single mothers, you see.

    I’m sure they’ll make it into a parable for abstinence and against Roe v. Wade.

    [Doubtlessly Lot’s daughters had read some morally degenerate cuneiform tablets from some feminist Assyrian priestess encouraging single parenthood or something.]

  81. 81
    Libertini says:

    @Politically Lost: What. you. said. I am otherwise speechless. FWIW, I am very liberal, and I prefer the King James version.

  82. 82
    Neal says:

    @Comrade Dread

    Not only are you correct, but if you go to the actual Conservative Bible page you’ll see that they quote it to scare off would-be vandals:

    For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:

    And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

    You have been warned.

  83. 83
    PanAmerican says:

    <

    CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

  84. 84
    p.a. says:

    One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the conservative evangelical Christians that either don’t understand the sermon on the mount or ignore it, or both.

    blessed are the cheesemakers…

    If you just slapped the banner from The Onion at the top of that page, no one would question it. Literally impossible for a parody to be more absurd.

    agreed. is there a word for ‘un-parody-able’? i would love to see Idle, Palin, Cleese and Jones do a skit sitting around ‘conservafying’ the bible. i’m gonna have to work on some neologisms.

  85. 85
    Brachiator says:

    You just can not make this shit up.

    This has got to be a joke.

    There are evangelicals who learn Greek, Latin and Hebrew in order to read earlier texts. I cannot imagine what kind of wingnut cave people are holed up in who seriously believe that simply re-translating the KJV would be meaningful in any way.

    How about an elvish translation?

  86. 86
    calipygian says:

    An existing translation might license its version for improvement by the above approaches, much as several modern translations today are built on prior translations. Alternatively, a more ambitious approach would be to start anew from the best available ancient transcripts.

    Imagine their surprise when they find out that Mary wasn’t a virgin, but merely a young woman who hadn’t given birth yet.

  87. 87
    Irregardless says:

    As an aside, I look forward to the new shortest verse after the re-write.

    John 11:
    35: Jesus wept.
    36: Also.

  88. 88
    Gwangung says:

    I mean, isn’t this LITERALLY blasphemy?

  89. 89
    Irregardless says:

    Gwangung, it is…

    Revelation 22:18-19 says:

    For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the prophecy of this book, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book:

    And if any man shall take away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God shall take away his part out of the book of life, and out of the holy city, and from the things which are written in this book.

  90. 90
    Brachiator says:

    @calipygian:

    Imagine their surprise when they find out that Mary wasn’t a virgin, but merely a young woman who hadn’t given birth yet.

    I don’t know why the fact that King James was most likely one of teh gays doesn’t make their heads explode.

    That’s right. One of the most magnificent translations of the Bible into English was commissioned by a homosexual.

  91. 91
    Xecky Gilchrist says:

    I didn’t see this coming either. I guess it does make sense in one twisted way – Biblical Literalism = if the Bible doesn’t literally say what you want it to, change what it says.

  92. 92
    handy says:

    There are so many people in the Bible fucking people they shouldn’t be fucking, it may as well be CPAC.

    There’s been a lot of it in this thread already, but this is Grade A Win right here.

  93. 93
    New Yorker says:

    I’m looking forward to the re-write of the Gospel of John, where Jesus and the “disciple Jesus loved” both get sent to camp to be cured, Ted Haggard-style.

  94. 94
    Earl says:

    You just can not make this shit up.

    Seriously?

    They’ve been making this shit up for two thousand years+ now…

  95. 95
    tc125231 says:

    What these arse-wipes REALLY mean is that Jesus Christ was a communist, and they want to “fix” his teachings.

    E.g. The Grand Inquisitor is reborn.

    Basically, they think Christianity would be one HECK of a religion, except for the inluence of its pinko founder.

  96. 96
    Dreggas says:

    I’m seriously waiting for them to come out and say Jesus was gay since he didn’t bang Mary Magdalene. Or will they buy into the Dan Brown interpretation just to avoid it?

  97. 97
    soonergrunt says:

    The Gospel of Saint Rush:

    …And the Pharisees did ask him what should be done
    With the woman who had comitted adultery.
    And he did say unto them “Since she is not a Man,
    Nor a Republican, stone the slut!”

    …And they came to his sermon on the mount,
    And he said unto them “Blessed are the Corporate Officers, and the meek shall be rightly screwed!”

    …And he sat by the sea, and thousands came to hear
    But they had only seven loaves of bread and few fish
    And took the fish and served out to his disciples,
    Saying unto them “We’ve got ours,
    Fuck everyone else”

    …And Behold, He miracled himself off of the cross.
    He retreived his AK-47 from the base of the cross,
    And he did fire short bursts into the crowd of Jews.
    And he did shout “Wolverines!” and they fell dead.
    And then he did return to northern Europe, from
    Whence he came, because everybody knows Jesus is
    White, and not all Semite-looking
    Like that taxi-driver from Bangle-desh or Egypt that
    We did see at the RNC convention last year.

    And he saw that it was good.

  98. 98
    asiangrrlMN says:

    @Roger Moore:

    Abraham was the one whose wife asked him to bonk her servant…

    And, by some accounts, Sarah (his wife) was his half/step-sister. And, Hagar was more like a slave than a servant (not that there was much difference back in the day–or now in some situations, come to think of it).

    And, bwahahahahaha! I am relieved that I can laugh at the rightwingnutters today instead of being depressed/worn down by them.

    Dreggas, I always figured that Mary M. was Jesus’s common-law wife.

    Jesus is their biggest impediment to an all-conservative Bible, isn’t he? I love it!

  99. 99
    clone12 says:

    I’m convince that this has to be wingnut Thermidor. But every time I say that, I am proven wrong.

  100. 100
    Splitting Image says:

    Why don’t the Republicans simply reprint the 1631 reprint by Robert Barker and Martin Lucas, which infamously left the word “not” out of the commandment “Thou shalt not commit adultery”.

    That would satisfy most of the Republicans’ requirements right there.

  101. 101
    Michael says:

    Sorry for the mix up. There are so many people in the Bible fucking people they shouldn’t be fucking, it may as well be CPAC.

    *choking with laughter*

    Internet Win!

  102. 102
    Ash Can says:

    The yahoos responsible for this project are just admitting the fact that they want to be God.

  103. 103
    handy says:

    @Yaco:

    How awesome is this, behold the Sermon on the Mount in Lolcat:

    Killin ur d00dz
    21 u kno if u pwnz0rz, Ceiling Cat is liek “wtf? bad kittehz!”
    22 but if u is liek “u n00b!”, uz betr off in trashcan, srsly.
    23 if u has gift 4 Ceiling Cat n u has pwned ur brother
    24 ur brother can has hugs b4 u give gift 2 Ceiling Cat
    25 lawyers screw u. settle out of court. srsly
    26 or they take all ur $$. iz all true. srsly.

  104. 104
    Garrigus Carraig says:

    This is weird. For four hundred years people getting regularly rolled by the Anglican establishment were content to use the Anglican translation, presumably because God was guiding the translators & admits no error in the transmission of His Word, or something. And now, all of a sudden, a group of Americans has decided that (1) the KJV needs to be modernized and (2) the modernization is a wiki project.

    My favorite line: “recognizing that Christianity introduced powerful new concepts that even the Greek and Hebrew were inadequate to express, but modern conservative language can express well.”

    Oh yes. Oh yes.

  105. 105
    Dreggas says:

    @WMass:

    ULTIMATE FIGHTING JESUS!

    TAP OUT OR BURN FOR ETERNITY BITCHES!

  106. 106
    calipygian says:

    My favorite line: “recognizing that Christianity introduced powerful new concepts that even the Greek and Hebrew Oldspeak were inadequate to express, but modern conservative language Newspeak can express well plus good.”

    Fixed

  107. 107
    Basement Cat says:

    What, nobody’s posted this yet?

  108. 108
    Bubblegum Tate says:

    @Irregardless:

    I quite literally LOLed at that one. Nicely done.

  109. 109
    Garrigus Carraig says:

    OK it got even awesomer. Apparently the New International Version was the evangelical response to the Revised Standard Version, which was too liberal, & now these guys think the NIV update will be too liberal & want a new version.

    And again, they’ve decided that it’s a wiki project.

  110. 110
    Dreggas says:

    The new and improved lords prayer

    Our father who art on AM
    Limbaugh be thy name
    By noon-time come
    thy will be done

    On the earth as it is
    in Real ‘Merica.

    Give us this day,
    our daily screed
    and forgive us our trespasses
    even though we won’t forgive
    those who trespass against us

    And lead us into
    a center-right nation.

    for thine is the Hypocrisy,
    the Oxy-contin, and the
    viagra forever.
    Amen

  111. 111
    Garrigus Carraig says:

    Oh, also, The Brick Testament.

  112. 112
    handy says:

    …recognizing that Christianity introduced powerful new concepts that even the Greek and Hebrew were inadequate to express, but modern conservative language can express well…

    This sounds like a bolded blurb on the back cover of a self-help book. What a load of excrement.

  113. 113
    Bruce (formerly Steve S.) says:

    I don’t know what they think they’re accomplishing. When you take out all the allegedly PC liberal weasel words you’re still left with over a thousand pages of murders, thefts, rapes, incest, horrific genocides, scientific impossibilities, irrationality, misogyny, fear-mongering, and laughable contradictions. The problem for conservatives has never been liberal translations but the danger of reading more than a few dozen preselected verses.

  114. 114
    wasabi gasp says:

    Anything that bastardizes that book until it’s as sacred as alphabet refrigerator magnets is fine by me.

  115. 115
    dadanarchist says:

    @clone12: wingnut Thermidor

    Wingnut Thermidor? Fascinating – can you explain further?

  116. 116
    Graf Zeppelin says:

    “You haven’t a real appreciation of Newspeak, Winston,” he said almost sadly. “Even when you write it you’re still thinking in Oldspeak…with all its vagueness and useless shades of meaning. You do not grasp the beauty of the destruction of words….Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thoughtcrime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it. Every concept that can ever be needed will be expressed by exactly -one- word, with its meaning rigidly defined and all subsidiary meanings rubbed out and forgotten… Every year fewer and fewer words, and the range of consciousness always a little smaller… The Revolution will be complete when the language is perfect… By 2050…all real knowledge of Oldspeak will be destroyed. The whole literature of the past will have been destroyed. Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Byron–they’ll exist only in Newspeak versions, not merely changed into something different, but actually changed into something contradictory of what they used to be… The whole climate of thought will be different. In fact there will -be- no thought, as we understand it now. Orthodoxy means not thinking–not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness.”

    -1984, Signet Classic Edition, pp. 52-53.

  117. 117
    ChrisB says:

    @The Moar You Know:

    I’m no religious scholar, but I have read the Bible and I recall some very specific injunctions against exactly this kind of activity.

    Don’t worry, they’ll all be edited out.

    @Skippy:

    I mean, the man had long hair, wore sandals, talked about peace and love all the time, and rebelled against his parents. He was totally a DFH.

    Not in the conservative Bible. In the conservative Bible, he’ll look like Ollie North.

    You know what the funny thing is? This is pretty much how the New Testament was initially compiled. Just ask the author or authors of the Gospel of Thomas.

  118. 118
    Graf Zeppelin says:

    You haven’t a real appreciation of Newspeak, Winston,” he said almost sadly. “Even when you write it you’re still thinking in Oldspeak…with all its vagueness and useless shades of meaning. You do not grasp the beauty of the destruction of words….Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thoughtcrime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it. Every concept that can ever be needed will be expressed by exactly one word, with its meaning rigidly defined and all subsidiary meanings rubbed out and forgotten… Every year fewer and fewer words, and the range of consciousness always a little smaller… The Revolution will be complete when the language is perfect… By 2050…all real knowledge of Oldspeak will be destroyed. The whole literature of the past will have been destroyed. Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Byron–they’ll exist only in Newspeak versions, not merely changed into something different, but actually changed into something contradictory of what they used to be… The whole climate of thought will be different. In fact there will be no thought, as we understand it now. Orthodoxy means not thinking–not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness.”

    1984, Signet Classic Edition, pp. 52 – 53.

  119. 119
    Graf Zeppelin says:

    [Ugh. One more try, I promise…]

    You haven’t a real appreciation of Newspeak, Winston,” he said almost sadly. “Even when you write it you’re still thinking in Oldspeak…with all its vagueness and useless shades of meaning. You do not grasp the beauty of the destruction of words….Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought? In the end we shall make thoughtcrime literally impossible, because there will be no words in which to express it. Every concept that can ever be needed will be expressed by exactly one word, with its meaning rigidly defined and all subsidiary meanings rubbed out and forgotten… Every year fewer and fewer words, and the range of consciousness always a little smaller… The Revolution will be complete when the language is perfect… By 2050…all real knowledge of Oldspeak will be destroyed. The whole literature of the past will have been destroyed. Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Byron—they’ll exist only in Newspeak versions, not merely changed into something different, but actually changed into something contradictory of what they used to be… The whole climate of thought will be different. In fact there will be no thought, as we understand it now. Orthodoxy means not thinking—not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness.”

    1984, Signet Classic Edition, pp. 52 – 53.

  120. 120
    toujoursdan says:

    I still think this is a spoof and someone is pulling the wool over the wingnuts… and the rest of us.

  121. 121
    noncarborundum says:

    @Penfold:

    I thought the ealiest source version, aside from Hebrew stuff, of the Bible was the Greek one.

    I know a whole bunch of people who would claim that the earliest source version, aside from Greek stuff, is the Hebrew one.

    Actually there’s very little Aramaic in the Bible. Parts of Daniel & Ezra plus random words scattered about. The rest is Hebrew (OT) and Greek (NT). The only Aramaic in the NT I’m aware of is “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani” (My Lord, my Lord, why have you forsaken me?)

  122. 122
    Bubblegum Tate says:

    @Garrigus Carraig:

    And again, they’ve decided that it’s a wiki project.

    Are you saying that crowdsourcing among a bunch of ignorant rubes is not the same as the infallible word of god? Blasphemer!

  123. 123
    Cat Lady says:

    How interesting that wingnuts believe that the Word of God is exactly like the Word of Wingnut. What a coincidence!

  124. 124
    Bubblegum Tate says:

    @ChrisB:

    Not in the conservative Bible. In the conservative Bible, he’ll look like Ollie North.

    And the Virgin Mary will originally be from Wasilla!

  125. 125
    Singularity says:

    For example,

    It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.

    will be properly re-translated as

    It is easier for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.

  126. 126
    noncarborundum says:

    @Politically Lost:

    One thing that never ceases to amaze me is the conservative evangelical Christians that either don’t understand the sermon on the mount or ignore it, or both.

    There’s a third option if you’re a dispensationalist: it isn’t operative yet. Jesus offered the Kingdom to the Jews of his day, and when they rejected it, it was rescheduled to the End of Days, at which point Christ will return to rule the world and everyone will be expected to behave in accordance with the Sermon on the Mount – but not before then.

    I kid you not. They really believe this. And they consider themselves literalists.

  127. 127
    Xanthippas says:

    My favorite part is the section on removing the Adultress story from the New Testament because liberals sometimes use it to argue against the death penalty. I mean, there’s no irony to be had in editing the New Testament to make it more pro-death penalty. None whatsoever.

  128. 128
    Augustine says:

    @RSA:

    I want more explosions and shit.

    Plus… product placement opportunities!

  129. 129
    ChrisB says:

    @Bubblegum Tate:

    Are you saying that crowdsourcing among a bunch of ignorant rubes is not the same as the infallible word of god? Blasphemer!

    Well, you know, out of the mouth of babes and sucklings and all that.

  130. 130
    Jim Once says:

    @asiangrrlMN:

    I’m thinking we should get all ecumenical on them, and direct them here for illustrations:

    http://blingee.com

  131. 131
    Xanthippas says:

    Also, some Southern Baptist preachers might be surprised at what these douches would like to remove from the Bible.

  132. 132
    ChrisB says:

    @Bubblegum Tate:

    And the Virgin Mary will originally be from Wasilla!

    Uh . . . virgin?

  133. 133
    mslarry says:

    I’ve never posted before but this truly has got me flummoxed beyond words. What the holy hell or “fake Jesus” is wrong with these people? To quote another commenter, we’re truly in “woodstock of the dammed” territory. Oy.

    What’s gonna happen when these assholes figure out that if Jesus did exist, he was likely an Arab with brown skin curly/kinky hair and not the long haired, nordic, white knight of their clueless fantasies. Can’t wait for that to take hold in their pea brains. Also.

  134. 134
    Ash Can says:

    @toujoursdan: I’m starting to think you’re right. It’s all just too good.

  135. 135
    calipygian says:

    Uh . . . virgin?

    Puh-leeze. Do you think that the vagina that gave us Trig has actually had a penis in it?

  136. 136
    Wilson Heath says:

    Someone help me out on David and Bathsheeba — is that part liberal or conservative? Can we ask John Ensign?

  137. 137

    @Danton: I don’t think it will make the cut. Have you ever heard people try to explain that it isn’t about massive amounts of nasty making?

    Fun-ee!

  138. 138
    eric says:

    the most “aggressive” debates I have ever read are between the the pre- and post- tribulation rapturists. I cannot imagine how they would respond to this nonsense.

  139. 139
    Ed Drone says:

    @Roger Moore:

    Abraham was the one whose wife asked him to bonk her servant so he could have a son, only to get pissed at the servant when she started acting uppity after the plan succeeded.

    And that son, the son of the slave, is who the Muslims trace their ancestry to. Both Jews and Arabs are sons of Abraham. No God-damned (pun noted) wonder they can’t get along. Those inter-familial fights are the worst, the most intractable, and the bloodiest. Really, Devil Manse Hatfield had nothing on Yasser Arafat or Menachem Begin, you know?

    Ed

  140. 140
    cincyanon says:

    That William Tyndall was a DFH!! I think the first time someone was called a “Liberal Fascist,” it was directed at him (though “some say” Henry the 8th was the one who called him that).

  141. 141
    Origuy says:

    @dadanarchist: Thermidor was the month of the French Revolutionary calendar in which Robespierre was guillotined and the Reign of Terror ended.

  142. 142
    The Moar You Know says:

    The finale: Jesus will climb down off the cross, shoot all the Romans and Jews with His AK-47, and then play a note-for-note flawless version of Lee Greewood’s “God Bless The USA” on His Holy Les Paul, because Jesus hates bolt-on necks.

  143. 143
    Origuy says:

    @Bubblegum Tate:

    And the Virgin Mary will originally be from Wasilla!

    Will the Three Wise Dudes bring Tupperware, meth, and Old Spice?

  144. 144
    wasabi gasp says:

    @The Moar You Know: Jesus plays the base, dude.

  145. 145
    Hiram Taine says:

    This thread is the funniest thing I’ve read in weeks, I have tears running down my cheeks and my gut is hurting.

    Thank you all, I needed this.

  146. 146
    Arclite says:

    Rewriting the Sermon on the Mount:

    You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also pull out thine knife and strike him not less than three times. And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well thou shalt counter-sue and start a defamation campaign against him. If someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles plan thy escape and revenge. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you charge a suitable fee and interest rate.

  147. 147
    Penfold says:

    @noncarborundum:

    I know a whole bunch of people who would claim that the earliest source version, aside from Greek stuff, is the Hebrew one.

    Indeed. I meant this more in the sense that the Koine Greek version (thanks Google) was, to my understanding, the basis for the later Latin translations and ultimately the KJV, etc. Now, as for the obvious role the “Hebrew stuff” played in making the creation of the later material possible at all, well…

    I was not aware of the fact that there was any Aramaic contained in the OT/NT manuscripts; most informative. (No biblical scholar here).

  148. 148
    Tongue of Groucho Marx says:

    I’m surprised this page hasn’t been mentioned. I didn’t know ‘monogamy’, ‘independence’, ‘human rights’, ‘Eagle Scout’, or even ‘homeschool’ were conservative terms, while I wasn’t aware that ‘atheist’, ‘big bang’, ‘moderate’, or ‘Swift-boating’ were invented exclusively by liberals. It’s either between this page or the Professor Values page that generates the biggest crack-up, IMO, although the Lawrence Tribe/Barack Obama/abortion/theory of relativity connection is pretty damn funny.

    You can also discover that Andy, among other things, thinks that the Axiom of Choice is complete nonsense, and that Richard Dawkins is not actually a tenured professor at Oxford.

    Rational Wiki has a rather impressive listing of Conservapedia’s stupidity, and does great work on documenting psuedoscience.

    On another note, Schlafly is the only [mildly influential] right winger that subscribes to anti-vaccination hysteria. Am I missing someone?

  149. 149
    The Moar You Know says:

    @wasabi gasp: I know – I’m a bassist.

  150. 150
    Arclite says:

    Also, the story of Sodom and Gomorrah will be expanded into its own complete book, including a new section detailing those who were spared because they talked a good game even though their actions were just as vice-ridden as the rest. The chapter title will be “IOKIYAR.”

  151. 151
    Penfold says:

    @Bruce (formerly Steve S.):

    The problem for conservatives has never been liberal translations but the danger of reading more than a few dozen preselected verses.

    This. That is all.

  152. 152
    Charon says:

    Steerpike in the Sadly, No! version of this comment thread has the best suggested entry for the ConservaBible that I’ve seen so far.

    …and then a Samaritan passed by the man, and saw that he was grievously wounded, and would surely die, so the Samaritan said, “let us offer this man a tax cut so that he can afford a high-deductible catastrophic care policy, combined with a tax-advantaged health savings account to defray his expenses. Furthermore, let us mandate that all must purchase such policies from the insurance companies, so that they may increase their wealth, and raise rates for all policyholders, lest the increased burden of covering unfortunate wretches like this one before me who…appears to be dead…(kicks body to be sure)…yup, dead! Oh, well, he would only have been a burden to his insurance provider anyway, and would have caused my rates to go up too.

  153. 153
    Left Coast Tom says:

    @Comrade Sock Puppet of the Great Satan:
    Lot getting jiggy with his daughters, actually.

    Well, you see it was the wanton teenagers getting broody while they were in the wilderness and getting Daddy drunk so they could engender babies. Single mothers, you see.

    I’m sure they’ll make it into a parable for abstinence and against Roe v. Wade.

    Substitute “Levi” for “Daddy” and I guess we have Bristol Palin as Abstinence Queen.

  154. 154
    Left Coast Tom says:

    @Left Coast Tom:

    OK, the tag doesn’t work here across paragraph boundaries either!

    Anyway, the first three paragraphs belong with the quote and the final paragraph is mine.

  155. 155
    Penfold says:

    Blockquote fails everywhere.

  156. 156
    Deborah says:

    @toujoursdan:

    I keep thinking this, but it’s been up there for days. Surely if they’d been infiltrated by Penn Gillette someone would have noticed by now.

  157. 157
    Ron Beasley says:

    What the hell – they already gave a guy that probably looked a lot like a modern Palestinian blue eyes and light skin and hair. Why not a few more tweaks.

  158. 158
    Left Coast Tom says:

    @Penfold:
    But the <i> tag?

    (that’s the italics tag, in case my attempt to escape greater than and less than doesn’t work)

  159. 159
    Blue Raven says:

    @122: Aramaic also found in NT when Jesus resurrected a child. “Talitha koum,” meaning “Little girl, get up.”

  160. 160
    Penfold says:

    @Left Coast Tom:

    Haha. I’m really confused about it’s systemic failure. My favorite was one in my own post: Why it would be parsing the blockquote tags after the text, almost appearing to be treating the close tag as an open tag that then immediately and magically closes itself….I dunno. My brain hurts.

  161. 161
    Surreal American says:

    “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him with a roundhouse kick”.

    — Chuck 5:39

  162. 162
    anonevent says:

    As long as there’s something in the new Bible about Adam and Eve being given a fiery sword by an angel, it will be OK.

  163. 163
    Deborah says:

    @SpotWeld: Thanks for the link to RationalWiki, where I was introduced to Poe’s Law:

    Without a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to create a parody of Fundamentalism that SOMEONE won’t mistake for the real thing.

    Poe’s Law makes the clear point that it is hard to tell parodies of fundamentalism from the real thing, since they both seem equally insane. Poe’s law also functions in its converse: real fundamentalism can easily be mistaken for a parody of fundamentalism.

  164. 164
    Davis X. Machina says:

    What the hell – they already gave a guy that probably looked a lot like a modern Palestinian blue eyes and light skin and hair….

    My mom, when she was teaching religion in the Catholic schools, cut a picture out of a 1967-era National Geographic of an Israeli paratroop commander, a guy with obvious charisma, command presence, and leadership chops, and popped it in the frame where the icky pre-Raphaelite Jesus used to be.

    Said it maybe wasn’t 100% accurate, but a good place to start, if you needed a picture.

  165. 165
    Martin says:

    Why do I expect a new Rapture section to be developed that officially lists the names of people that will go to heaven and those that won’t.

    And somehow failing to win the Olympics for the city of Chicago will make it into Leviticus.

    Where will the wetsuits and dildos show up?

  166. 166
    anonevent says:

    @Davis X. Machina: That would be a great picture to have. I would hang it up in my decidedly non-religious household just so that people would ask.

  167. 167
    fliegr says:

    Awe inspiring comments. Some of you need to go work for the Daily Show. Thanks!

  168. 168
    RSA says:

    Liberal bias has become the single biggest distortion in modern Bible translations.

    It occurs to me that these fundamentalist Christians would make good fundamentalist Muslims:

    So well has it [the Qur’an] been preserved both in memory and in writing, that the Arabic text we have today is identical to the text as it was revealed to the Prophet. Not even a single letter has yielded to corruption during the passage of the centuries. And so it will remain forever, by the consent of Allah.

    How can you tell the difference, except for the labels? Problems only creep in with translations.

  169. 169

    Going at once to Jesus, Judas said, “Greetings, Rabbi!” and kissed him ^gave him a firm, manly handshake.

    Conserpedia’d.

  170. 170
    VladCat says:

    I was expecting them to rewrite Dr Seuss to be more supply sided for the home-schooled kiddies first, but this is so much better. I hope all the attention and mockery do not dissuade them from completing this task.

  171. 171
    Cain says:

    @The Moar You Know:

    The finale: Jesus will climb down off the cross, shoot all the Romans and Jews with His AK-47, and then play a note-for-note flawless version of Lee Greewood’sJohn Ashcroft “God Bless The USA When The Eagles Soar” on His Holy Piano, because Jesus hates bolt-on necks.

    Fixed!

    cain

  172. 172
    Fern says:

    Well, I can sort of see their dilemma – a bunch of these folks believe that the KJV is inerrant – but most people cannot make much sense of the language, which is admittedly pretty archaic. Plus there are better and older source documents available now than the KJV translators had to work with. Which kind of messes with the inerrancy thing – so their clever solution is to update the language of the KJV and then work from original texts in sections where there are better sources.

    Probably makes sense to a wingnut.

    Me, I really like the Jewish Publication Society translation – I can’t judge the quality of the translation, but it reads well, has the English and Hebrew on alternate pages and you get to read from the back of the book to the front. I wish I could find a translation of the NT that was this good.

    And I really, really like what Robert Alter has done with the Pentateuch. The text reads wonderfully, and the footnotes will pretty much blow up everything you thought you knew about the Bible. Highly recommended. He’s done the Psalms now too, as well as I and II Samuel.

  173. 173
    Seanly says:

    @SpotWeld:

    Physics comprehension epic fail.

    Slightly related: nothing is more annoying than people of any persuasion “extrapolating” scientific theories like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle or Theory of General Relativity to their idiotic beliefs (conservative or liberal). New Agers win the prize for this practice.

  174. 174
    Bubblegum Tate says:

    @Origuy:

    Will the Three Wise Dudes bring Tupperware, meth, and Old Spice?

    Not only will that be what they bring, that will be their names as well.

  175. 175

    […] Schlafly’s morally degenerate son is at it again [via Balloon Juice]: Conservative Bible Project From […]

  176. 176
    OriGuy says:

    @RSA: Of course, the text of the Qu’ran was not transmitted in writing to Muhammed (even if one believes that it was revealed to him by the angel Gabriel.) Nor did he write it down, as he was illiterate. It wasn’t compiled until after his death, although parts of it may have been written down before then.

  177. 177
    DaddyJ says:

    @Bubblegum Tate:

    Will the Three Wise Dudes bring Tupperware, meth, and Old Spice?

    Not only will that be what they bring, that will be their names as well.

    Oh, thanks! Everybody else in the house is asleep, and I almost just had a stroke trying to stifle my laughing.

    I’d add that those names are probably reserved for the Revised Wasilia Conservative Bible.

  178. 178
  179. 179
    Steeplejack says:

    @The Moar You Know:

    [. . .] because Jesus hates bolt-on necks.

    Win.

  180. 180
    John says:

    My favorite part is the section on removing the Adultress story from the New Testament because liberals sometimes use it to argue against the death penalty. I mean, there’s no irony to be had in editing the New Testament to make it more pro-death penalty. None whatsoever.

    The thing is, that there’s a kernel of a point here. The oldest texts of the Gospel of John do not actually include the story. Wikipedia actually has a decent article on the subject.

    So there’s some reason to think it’s a later interpolation. There’s two issues, though. One is that it’s modern textual scholarship which, so far as I can tell, Schlafly basically rejects in all other circumstances, that suggests the story is interpolated. The other issue is that there’s tons of other passages in the New Testament that basically say the same thing. “Judge not lest ye be judged” and “Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye,” both basically say the same thing as “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” and there authenticity is, so far as I’m aware, not in question.

    The whole project is utterly absurd and self-contradictory. My favorite part of the talk page is the part where, after people are challenging the extent to which a bunch of home-schooled high school students are competent to produce a new translation of the Bible, Schlafly insists that the vast majority of worthwhile cultural products were produced by teenagers. He continues to defend this point, but refuses to present any examples.

  181. 181

    Every time I look at the Conservapedia it really disturbs me. I keep wondering, what did Mommy Phyllis do to this poor boy? She must have told him to be good or the godless liberals would eat him. If he thought the boogieman was hiding under his bed she’d say no, it wasn’t the boogieman, it was a godless liberal. Maybe she locked him in the closet and warned him that evil liberals were lurking in the dark. I don’t know, but he comes across as really warped.

  182. 182
    bago says:

    Actually, as I understand, in ancient Hebrew each of the characters had a numerical value, and each page of text was summed up during transcription. A sort of early checksum. A checksum or a hash is used whenever you use the Internet or a credit card. If the checksum from the original page differed from the copy, the copy page would be destroyed and re-copied, to ensure that the text was authentic.

  183. 183
    Anne Laurie says:

    @GusThePrimate:

    Seriously, I think we must attribute this and similar examples of Raving Dumbness to the fact that a lot of kids educated in home schooling or in those so-called Christian schools have come of age, and are now revealing that their education focused on belief rather than reality.

    Yeah, the foundation wingnuts began setting up ‘Christian academies’ in the Pellagra Bible Belt during the 1960s, when that notorious Commanist Eisenhower insisted on integrating the public schools. But these scripture-thumping mushroom farms (keep ’em in the dark & throw in well-ripened manure on a regular basis) really took off when St. Ronnie and his blessed cronies acolytes engineered special tax breaks for “religious foundations” intended to produce reality-free ‘educational’ materials for the homeschoolers. We’re coming up on the third generation of ‘Christian’ madrassa products, and frankly America would be in much better shape if only they’d chosen the Amish route and withdrawn from us Impure Secularists entirely.

  184. 184
    John T says:

    This project almost makes me feel sorry for actual biblical scholars who have made the effort to learn Greek and Hebrew in order to study and analyze the original texts in their original context, motivated by a desire to come to a better understanding of the texts’ spiritual value. Almost.

  185. 185
    vanya says:

    Fundamentalists are no longer “Christians” in any traditional sense. They are heretics. I think Daniel Larison – a sensible conservative – labeled this the “Americanist heresy” – it’s a religion centered on American exceptionalism, a “muscular” Jesus, and charismatic preachers. Taibbi’s “The Great Derangement” is very good on these people. Their religion is a form of cultural identity – you can’t use history or literature to disprove what they believe because they don’t care about those kind of things. To these people “Christian” = “white conservative” – any thing else is just details. If these people ever met the historical Jesus they would be the first to kick him to the curb.

  186. 186
    vanya says:

    Also the number one reason you can’t argue with fundamentalists using scholarship and logic is that the Bible is “divinely inspired”, and if God inspired some writing once then he must be able to do it again. No matter what you point out about original Hebrew or Aramaic sources some preacher can always claim God gave him the correct interpretation – and how are you going to top that? It worked for Muhammed and Joseph Smith, it will work for the Americanists.

  187. 187

    Schlafly insists that the vast majority of worthwhile cultural products were produced by teenagers. He continues to defend this point, but refuses to present any examples.

    Because giving examples would get him arrested.

  188. 188
    gruaud says:

    Gots to be a hoax.

  189. 189
    Fulcanelli says:

    Having read this back in my wastrel youth, I’d like to suggest that this interpretation of the Bible might be just what these ‘revisionists’ need:

    The Boo Hoo Bible. (Catechism of the the Neo-American Church)

    /It is one of the funniest things you will ever read, and very thought provoking, to boot.

    If this konservative bible project goes forward, it just might be the tipping point for tolerance of American evangelical idiocy. FSM willing.

  190. 190
    Troy says:

    “Don’t you see that the whole aim of Newspeak is to narrow the range of thought?… Has it ever occurred to your, Winston, that by the year 2050, at the very latest, not a single human being will be alive who could understand such a conversation as we are having now?… The whole climate of thought will be different. In fact, there will be no thought, as we understand it now. Orthodoxy means not thinking—not needing to think. Orthodoxy is unconsciousness.”
    – George Orwell, 1984, Book 1, Chapter 5

  191. 191
    bjacques says:

    @141 Origuy:

    Thermidor? Like THIS?

    @48 Quicksand:

    “My disciples hear me! The future is, as Brother Billy has interpreted from the Book of Rambo! Only the well-armed shall survive against Sgt. Satan and his Unholy Commandos! Remember my brethren, we are allied together to obliterate that pervert Lucifer and his army of sissy demons, through UPERIOR CHRISTIAN FIREPOWER! I shall lead you to victory! For I am the machine Messiah! THE MACHINE GUN MESSIAH!!!”

    – Rev. Ulysses S. Buxton, in the finale of the extremely independent 1985 movie Armageddon Fabulosa, shot in and around Dallas and the Trinity River. Briefly mentioned by the Fort Worth Startlegram after the big Branch Davidian barbecue of 1993.

  192. 192
    DaddyJ says:

    @John: What jumps out at me in that Wikipedia article on the Adulteress text is this quote from St. Augustine, explaining why the story might have been redacted from some early versions of the text:

    Certain persons of little faith, or rather enemies of the true faith, fearing, I suppose, lest their wives should be given impunity in sinning, removed from their manuscripts the Lord’s act of forgiveness toward the adulteress, as if he who had said, Sin no more, had granted permission to sin.

    So I guess either St. Augustine was a moonbat liberal, or Andrew Schlafly is an enemy of the true faith. We report, you decide.

  193. 193
    GranFalloon says:

    From the Conservapedia citation page – to me, the latest attempt to legitimize this monstrosity says it all.

    To give the project its much-needed scholarly gravitas, the page features a picture of “Andy Schlafly at Columbia.”

    Interesting.

    Somewhere around here, I have a picture of me at the Newport News Continuous Electron Beam Acceleration Facility. Ergo, I am a particle physicist.

    And don’t get me started on my last trip to a Redskins game.

  194. 194
    soonergrunt says:

    @GranFalloon: When I was a kid, I toured Los Alamos National Lab.
    Yes, I was extremely geeky, and yes, they do have a museum and they used to have public tours.
    I guess since I have a picture of me leaning up against a mock-up of the FAT MAN bomb, that makes me a nuclear weapons engineer.

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