Opiate of the Asses

Via reader email, more from our favorite new Pastor, Steven Anderson. Here he is explaining to his flock that men need to urinate standing up or they are not real men:

I think my personal favorite part was at about 3:05 when he said “That’s where we’re headed in this country, my friend. We’ve got a bunch of pastors who pee sitting down.”

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150 replies
  1. 1
    DougJ says:

    Too funny.

  2. 2
    Tbone says:

    i wish I had thought of that post title – pure genius.

  3. 3
    John Cole says:

    Will Ferrell has to be jealous.

  4. 4
    Ash Can says:

    This explains a lot.

  5. 5
    4tehlulz says:

    REAL MEN SHIT STANDING UP

  6. 6
    Napoleon says:

    Words fail me.

  7. 7
    Interrobang says:

    My father, the former C-130 and commercial pilot, almost always pees sitting down. Why? He says it’s harder for someone to come up behind you and mug you in an airport washroom if you’re sitting down, facing the stall door.

    On the other hand, if you’re like every other homo- and gynophobic funnymentalist Christian pastor out there, maybe keeping your back to the man with whom you’re trying to have anonymous gay bathroom sex is just the thing. After all, if you never see his face, and he never sees yours, it’s a lot less socially awkward later.

  8. 8
    linda says:

    freaks. each and every last one of them… seize his computer now, cause you just know there’s some truly hinky shit on there… ;-)

  9. 9
  10. 10
    Mike E says:

    What we have here is failure to eliminate

  11. 11
    Ash Can says:

    Maybe he thinks this makes him a great thinker and philosopher. After all, if James Joyce could devote an entire chapter of Ulysses to the pleasures of taking a dump, maybe Anderson figures that delivering a sermon on whizzing will immortalize him in the pantheon of clerics. Or something.

  12. 12
    R-Jud says:

    I just got over a round of vomiting so I don’t think I’ll click to watch, thanks. Is it written up somewhere? Online, I mean, not in a bathroom stall.

  13. 13
    LoveMonkey says:

    Really, there are better ways to pee:

    1. Use a catheter. Clearly, the most convenient way.
    2. Wear a diaper. No interruptions of your activities.
    3. Piss the bed. Require cleanup, but fast and easy.
    4. Piss your pants. If you are a street person, nobody will really notice anyway.
    5. Whip it out and pee on whatever is handy. This is great at parties, at socialist mob gatherings, and so forth.
    6. Consider dialysis. Expensive and painful, but an alternative you might have to consider.

    Think outside the box, people.

  14. 14
    peach flavored shampoo says:

    He is SO teh ghey.

  15. 15
    Unabogie says:

    @Interrobang:

    OT: I know someone on another board with your username. Are you her, or is it a reference to something?

  16. 16
    LoveMonkey says:

    This page intentionally left blank.

  17. 17
    freelancer says:

    How many wetsuits does this guy have in HIS closet?

  18. 18
    Trinity says:

    Per my husband, “This guy’s nuttier than squirrel turds.”

  19. 19
    LoveMonkey says:

    OMFG, I got caught by the cee-alis police. Moderation help at my 2:08 please. BTW, do you guys have a user maintainable mod filter? Because that cee-alis thing is really absurd, eh?

  20. 20
    LoveMonkey says:

    Really, there are better ways to pee:

    1. Use a catheter. Clearly, the most convenient way.
    2. Wear a diaper. No interruptions of your activities.
    3. Piss the bed. Require cleanup, but fast and easy.
    4. Piss your pants. If you are a street person, nobody will really notice anyway.
    5. Whip it out and pee on whatever is handy. This is great at parties, at soc()alist mob gatherings, and so forth.
    6. Consider dialysis. Expensive and painful, but an alternative you might have to consider.

    Think outside the box, people.

    //reposted because your mod filter makes me sad

  21. 21
    Mr Furious says:

    Harder for the pastor to sneak a peek if you’re sitting. That’s his bottom line.

  22. 22
    inkadu says:

    Sitzen nicht spritzen!

    That was the sign posted over the toilet when I stayed as a student house guest in Germany.

    Hope this guy doesn’t have any kids doing foreign exchange.

  23. 23
    jl says:

    Phoebe and Junia would beat the **** out of him, except it would be unChristian. So I guess they wouldn’t.

  24. 24

    I think the title of this blog post is your best one of the day, John.

    Srsly, WTF on these idiots? Just when we think we’ve seen it all, we’ve not seen it all and there’s tons more ALL to go.

  25. 25
    jenniebee says:

    It looks, btw, like a fairly fun cottage industry has sprung up around mocking this sermon.

    I learned today from an S,N! mock-ee that noticing this kind of nonsense is liberal propaganda though, aimed at alienating Jews (and, presumably, other people with taste) from the Republican party by forming an anti-Christian coalition with them that is totally unfair because if only Republicans could get Jews and everybody else out of cities and get everybody cutting their own firewood and riding 4-wheelers for recreation, the whole country would embrace Republican values again and then we’d all be better off. Except for, you know, that whole part about not being able to run an economy off of cutting your own firewood.

  26. 26
    Brick Oven Bill says:

    The pastor makes a valid point, in my opinion. European women have been have been pushing the sit-down movement in an effort to consolidate their control over men. In the final analysis, strong nations are led by strong, unapologetic men, and any political system that would push men to pee sitting down is temporary in nature.

    To this I would also add that men should not be crossing their legs in a manner that would constrain the man’s groin area, if you are a man less than 65 years in age. A man should sit with the ankle of one leg resting on the knee of another. Do not trust a man who sits like President Obama, who crosses his thighs. This is not how a leader sits. This is the sign of a nation in decline.

  27. 27
    Demo Woman says:

    Will Brian Williams, George Steph or Bret Hume now demand to know whether Obama stands or sits. The next debates might be interesting.

  28. 28
    Dreggas says:

    @Interrobang:

    maybe that’s true, but it’s also easier to fall prey to a foot-tapping congressman whil sitting in said stall.

  29. 29
    LoveMonkey says:

    @Brick Oven Bill:

    You passed the tipping point of spoof performance, Bill. At this stage, you are blowing your cover almost daily.

    You might want to get a new handle, some new material, and regroup. You’ve gone from being funny to being sort of a sad figure here.

    DougJ called and said you are embarassing spoofs everywhere now. Just stop it.

  30. 30
    Zifnab says:

    “That’s where we’re headed in this country, my friend. We’ve got a bunch of pastors who pee sitting down.”

    “And they drop the soap in the shower. Never drop the soap!” *hugs self* *rocks back and forth*

    Yeah, this dude has issues. Truly, it’s a public service that he’s spreading his issues to whatever poor sorry souls he’s managed to make a cult out of. I’m so glad he doesn’t have to pay taxes on any of this.

  31. 31
    cybergal619 says:

    Sitzen nicht spritzen!

    The name of my new band!

  32. 32
    Mr Furious says:

    @Brick Oven Bill: Do not trust a man who sits like President Obama, who crosses his thighs.

    Then you’d be bitching about him flaunting his giant black penis.

  33. 33
    Crashman06 says:

    How long till this guy gets caught smoking rock with some 19 year old boy prostitute in a motel outside of Boise? I’ll give it a year.

  34. 34
    NickGB says:

    Wow. Just…wow.

    To paraphrase:
    “You know who else doesn’t let you pee standing up? The Germans.”

  35. 35
    Mr Furious says:

    First time caught in the moderation web…

  36. 36
    jl says:

    Soon this will be topped by unbounded peak wingnut approaching the vertical asymptote of wingnuttiness.

    Pasters will have to lift their legs and spray when they pee, or they are not real man enough to be pastors.

    Too bad Tunch is fixed, or he could give them lessons on how to do it with dignity.

  37. 37
    ironranger says:

    This “pastor” is rather obsessed with manly stuff & sodomite homosexuals. People might start wondering why.

  38. 38

    @LoveMonkey:

    1. Use a catheter. Clearly, the most convenient way.

    David Sedaris’ Stadium Pal story.

  39. 39
    SiubhanDuinne says:

    John: another wonderful thread title. You’re on fire today!

    I am not Interrobang but I just need to observe that it is among the most useful of punctuation marks, and I wish it had a bigger place in the Punctuation Pantheon. It was used to express quizzical amazement, or dumfounded perplexity. Kind of a symbolic precursor of WTF or LOLWUT? For you youngsters who may not remember the days of typewriters, you created the interrobang by overstriking a question mark and exclamation mark. I wish there were some way to create interrobangs on the ‘puter, but I’ve never found it in the character map and never figured out how to overstrike characters.

  40. 40
  41. 41
    jl says:

    Yeah, I like the title too. also. The previous post’s title “Little Triggers’ was a nice segue. This is a high class blog, title-wise.

  42. 42
    b-psycho says:

    Ever notice that the men most obsessed with the idea of being “real men” tend to be the least convincing examples of their own damn ideal?

  43. 43
    Betsy says:

    @Betsy:
    At least that’s how I do it. I didn’t actually know that there was a version in which one was on top of the other. But that seems to convey bemused astonishment fairly well, IME.

  44. 44
    D-Chance. says:

    Sully’s back. And he’s already posted two Sarah! updates, two “torture” updates, and one circumcision update. And the day’s barely begun…

    Didn’t he used to be somewhat relevant back in the day?

  45. 45
    MikeJ says:

    I wish there were some way to create interrobangs on the ‘puter, but I’ve never found it in the character map and never figured out how to overstrike characters.

    Some fonts have it, some don’t.

  46. 46
    28 Percent says:

    @Brick Oven Bill: Thank you Brick Oven Bill if that is youre real name and it is not just the Europeans who are trying to castrate all the men it is here happening in this country too also. Everywhere I go their are embroideries up in bathrooms saying “If you sprinkle while you tinkle please be neat and wipe the seat” and it seems like it is only women practicing they’re cross stitch but it is not it is trying to conntrol men and making them feel guilty for there sprinkles and not doing hauswerk it is the first step to making men sit down to pee and that is makeing them women. It is another step too in making us all Europee’in Germans. For all you men who give in to this pressure you think you are only keeping the peace in your houses but it is a false “peace in our time” you are only appeasers and when they make you vacuum it will be to late to do anything except seig heil!

  47. 47
    JackieBinAZ says:

    I didn’t bother watching it but did he talk at all about the kind of STANCE that real men have?

  48. 48
    Betsy says:

    “If a man peeth while sitting, as a woman, it is an abomination.” Remind me where that line is in the King James?

  49. 49
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    Definitely passing strange.

    Entirely intended.

  50. 50
    Shell says:

    “bunch of pastors who pee sitting down”

    And this guy knows this how?? Did he take a survey? Ask for a show of hands at the last Evangelical conference?

    All you reverends out there. Make sure you have the bathroom curtains closed from now on.

  51. 51
    Betsy says:

    @LoveMonkey:

    Looks like he took your advice:
    28 Percent:

  52. 52
    JackieBinAZ says:

    @Shell: men’s rooms are a virtual hotbed of conservative activity.

  53. 53
    Mrs. Peel says:

    The attack of the Porn-Again Xtians.

  54. 54
    IndyLib says:

    @Crashman06:
    OT Apologies if you shared in an earlier thread, but did you pop the question on your trip?

  55. 55
    jl says:

    Ok, that does it. BOB is clearly a brilliant satirist not a troll. I will never respond to BOB again, but just drink in the humor and laugh. Props to BOB!

  56. 56
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    Oh man. Dude, if we rate crazy on a scale from one to five, ur an eight.

  57. 57
    Church Lady says:

    Funniest comments in a long, long time. BJ comments are back, baby!

  58. 58
    Ukko says:

    I don’t know if this will work but on my keyboard this “‽” is an interrobang. (If this works my opinion of the interwebs will be greatly improved and I will have to see if it understands EBCDIC…)

  59. 59
    Poopyman says:

    Did Jeebus pee standing up? I think not! You ever see a fly in those robes of his?

    -Poopyman, standing by with a rim shot

  60. 60
    Crashman06 says:

    @IndyLib: I did! Got a yes, too. I don’t want to fill up this thread with OT stuff, so I’ll try to share on an open thread later tonight.

  61. 61
    Brick Oven Bill says:

    As evidence of the Pastor’s wisdom, let us consider Plato’s Republic:

    “And these are not the only evils, I said –there are several lesser ones: In such a state of society the master fears and flatters his scholars, and the scholars despise their masters and tutors; young and old are all alike; and the young man is on a level with the old, and is ready to compete with him in word or deed; and old men condescend to the young and are full of pleasantry and gaiety; they are loth to be thought morose and authoritative, and therefore they adopt the manners of the young.”

    See the 50-year old men imaged on erectile dysfunction commercials, smiling and splashing around in the water.

    “The last extreme of popular liberty is when the slave bought with money, whether male or female, is just as free as his or her purchaser; nor must I forget to tell of the liberty and equality of the two sexes in relation to each other.”

    See women telling men to sit down to pee. This is worse than equality between the sexes. The hour is thus late.

    Read the link and consider its applicability to modern politics. If you are objective, it is very interesting. Socrates argues that the next step after this ‘last extreme of popular liberty’ is tyranny, but I think he is wrong in our case.

    The Founding Fathers based the Constitution in large part on Republic, and provided us with the 1st and 2nd Amendments which, per the book, will prevent a true oligarchy, let alone tyranny.

  62. 62
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    @Crashman06: I hope you were standing when you did that.

  63. 63
    bedtimeforbonzo says:

    “Then you’d be bitching about him flaunting his giant black penis.”

    Very funny.

    And true.

  64. 64
    Dave Weeden says:

    I feel like a naughty kid here, but here’s a search of the King James Version for piss.” Maybe I’m missing something, but nowhere does the good book condone pissing against the wall.

  65. 65
    bedtimeforbonzo says:

    I am awaiting moderation.

    It certainly can’t be for “very funny.”

    Or: “and true.”

    I guess big black penises require moderation.

  66. 66
    Sean says:

    As our President might say: He’s all wee-wee’d up.

    -S

  67. 67
    Col. Klink says:

    We should start a betting pool. What will it all inevitably turn out to be for Mr. Anderson?

    a. An overwheliming case of Teh gay?

    b. Hookers and pampers?

    c. Meth addiction?

    d. 12 year old Thai boys?

    e. All of the above?

  68. 68
    Crashman06 says:

    @Bill E Pilgrim: Hm. If I didn’t, I suppose my actions would indicate widespread moral degeneracy and society’s impending collapse.

  69. 69
    Geeno says:

    @SiubhanDuinne:
    Unicode symbol 203D

    since I can’t preview, I hope this works

  70. 70
    IndyLib says:

    @Crashman06:
    Very cool. Congrats!

  71. 71
    Comrade Darkness says:

    @Crashman06: Congrats! Don’t spend too much on the wedding. That’s probably the single biggest regret of newlyweds I’ve met.

    character test in progress… ➽✠☤✂

  72. 72
    HyperIon says:

    I sense a new JC obsession.

  73. 73
    Ash Can says:

    @Brick Oven Bill: I don’t care if you sit or stand, as long as you do it up a rope.

  74. 74
  75. 75
    GregB says:

    I’m shocked about this. How is it that the supposedly feminized and fruity men like President Obama are always ready to sove something down the throats of these poor oppressed Republicans?

    They must have huge clitorises.

    -G

  76. 76
    Silver Owl says:

    How creepy, domineering and controlling is it that a Pastor is telling other men how they should pee? LOL! Anderson actually expects men to obey him without question or challenge because he’s playing the masculinity card. Pee like me or else you’re not a man but a denutted gerbil or worse an icky cootie ridden girrrrrllllll.

    I wonder if Anderson will now go into detail as to how he wants men to hold their penises while they pee. He does strike me as being that messed up mentally and emotionally.

  77. 77
    GregB says:

    My daily typo…..shove.

  78. 78
    Leelee for Obama says:

    @Dave Weeden: Or pissing one fellow humans, I’d wager.

    For piss/poop references, one must read Lady Chatterly’s Lover. I thought they were racier than the sex stuff. D. H. Lawrence was a fave of mine. Made my Dad sit though Woman in Love when I was a teenager (had to have an adult). He went to confession after! Snort!

  79. 79
    Ann B. Nonymous says:

    I was taken in! Brick — if I may so familiar, touching and perhaps even caressing your name inappropriately, like Al Franken — how did you learn to simulate the cadences of a brain-damaged wingnut so well?

    I think of the research you must have done, to babble about “human biodiversity” and shootings in Chicago neighborhoods with such an aura of wingnut verisimilitude. I mean, Atanarjuat was good, even brilliant, but you could tell he lacked the hot-button crazy of the white male in panic.

    But you, you weren’t afraid to reach DEEP into the septic tank of white entitlement and pull OUT the used condoms of barely veiled racism, sexism, homophobia, and Glenn Beck for all to see.

    I salute you, Brick, and I’ll think of you the next time I piss standing up.

  80. 80
    Svensker says:

    OK, I’m trying to understand this. Pastor says the Bible says God will destroy any man who pees against the wall. (? ? Whatever.) So pastor then says, God calls males who pee against the wall men, and, therefore, males who don’t stand to pee are not men. Therefore, the pastor says that God wants real men to pee standing up, otherwise they are just wimpy males. But didn’t he just say that all those standing-while-peeing guys were going to be destroyed? Why would he emulate this?

    I’m ignoring the crazy but trying to figure out the logic.

  81. 81
    Leelee for Obama says:

    @R-Jud: Moi, aussi!

  82. 82
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    I love the idea of just tagging onto any completely batshit insane and meaningless observation ” ….. and that’s where we’re heading in this country!” as a complete non sequitur.

    You know, once I was in a foreign country and everyone was lookin at me funny, I don’t know what it was ezactly but something was just wrong, and it was weird. And that’s where we’re headed in this country!

  83. 83
    slag says:

    France must be chock full of real men based on Tim F’s recent refresher on their toilet seat deficiency. On that note, if the ladies also have to pee standing up, are they real men?

  84. 84
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    Okay I’m going to try that again:

    Dude, if we rate crazy on a scale from one to five, urinate.

  85. 85
    ThatLeftTurnInABQ says:

    Here’s a fun trick to play on this particular species of real-men-don’t-sit wingnut: point out that using the urinal is the more eco-friendly thing to do, since the urinal flush uses less water than a toilet flush. Thank them for thinking green and doing the environmentally right thing by standing, not sitting, and tell them the Sierra Club and Greenpeace approve of their good choices.

  86. 86
    Minionero says:

    Best. Blog post title. Ever.

  87. 87
    R-Jud says:

    @Bill E Pilgrim: Add “exactly” for more emphasis, e.g.:

    “Have you ever noticed on the bus that when one person yawns another one does it? And then another? And another? That’s exactly where we’re headed in this country!”

  88. 88
    Origuy says:

    &2e18;Hay un interrobang invertido, tambien&203D;

  89. 89
  90. 90
    Gozer says:

    That’s on the same level as complaining about the impurities of one’s bodily fluids.

    Satire is well and truly dead.

  91. 91
    Origuy says:

    &#2e18;Hay un interrobang invertido, tambien&#203D;

    Left out the hash signs. Why did that go into moderation?

  92. 92
    Origuy says:

    HTML fail.

  93. 93
    cmorenc says:

    How can comedians possibly make a living, when there are so many unpaid psychotic clowns out there whose daily lives and words are exquisitely hilarious performance art? The answer to that has to be that in the end, we can comfortably embrace the professional comedian’s art, because even if it is of a personally abrasive style, we know in the end that they truly mean no harm, only to entertain us. OTOH, the psychotic clowns truly DO want to inflict their sick vision of the world quite personally on each of us.

    And that’s why although we laugh hilariously at the Reverend-whom-God-dictates-to-pee-standing-up, it is a very nervous, anxious laugh, because we know there are enough of these unbalanced psychotic clowns out there to be threateningly dangerous. I know he’s not a preacher, but take Glenn Beck for examplle.

  94. 94
    Poopyman says:

    Actually, for real eco-friendly peeing, pee in your ashcan.

  95. 95
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    @R-Jud: Perfect. I see a meme starting.

  96. 96
    Delia says:

    Pastor Steve should just do what my dog does, lift his leg and aim at the nearest fire hydrant. Did you know that dogs lift their legs to make the stream hit the hydrant as high as possible? That makes the next dog who passes think they’re bigger than they really are. I guess the dog who hits the highest spot wins the hydrant.

    I bet Pastor Steve could aim really high if he lifts his leg far enough.

  97. 97
    Morbo says:

    The hell is it with Arizonans and “my friend[s]?”

  98. 98
    R-Jud says:

    @Bill E Pilgrim:

    I see a meme starting.

    Which is EXACTLY where we’re heading in this country!

  99. 99
    Leelee for Obama says:

    Sanchez is after the Pastor just now. Showing the Church as his place of business. Fun and games, my friends, fun and games.

  100. 100
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    @slag: You don’t know the half of it.

    I mean, there’s no stereotype you can paint but every time I read some Wingnut going on with these ideas of the prissy, wimpy French I want to laugh. I know lots of guys of all types but there’s no shortage of ultra-macho, strutting, extremely male guys, as far as the eye can see sometimes.

    Also yes, bathroom habits are the great divider between our cultures, forget Freedom Fries or universal health care. T

    In my cafe, someone actually wrote “Where the fuck is the toilet seat??” on the door, and a local, presumably, wrote under it “Yankee go home!”.

    Cracked me up.

  101. 101
    freelancer says:

    @D-Chance.:

    I’m as anti-Palin as anyone, yet I can see why his posts on her are a turnoff to some and seem hyperbolic. I could give two shits about his circumscribing circumcision, but please, answer this:

    What exactly smacks of irrelevancy in Sullivan’s prose regarding torture?

  102. 102
    MikeJ says:

    Real conservatives pee in a bottle so they can make gunpowder. You suckers are just flushing away your potassium nitrate.

  103. 103
    bedtimeforbonzo says:

    Ann B: You had me laughing so hard I practically choked on my sandwhich.

  104. 104
    b-psycho says:

    @Svensker: Someone could’ve easily looked at that passage and said to themselves “well, I use a urinal, not a bare wall. So gawd just hates men that piss on buildings”. Interpretation is a mutha…

  105. 105
  106. 106
    bedtimeforbonzo says:

    In a related pissing note, I’ve noticed that my 13-year-old Beagle, Hamilton, no longer bothers to lift his hind leg when he pees.

    I hope the Republican wingnutry would not question his maleness.

    If so, he’ll piss on their lawn.

  107. 107
    scav says:

    ok, given the next thread, I simply have to chime in that it may not actually be water that Pastor A thinks he’s walking on.

  108. 108
    Ed Drone says:

    For all you men who give in to this pressure you think you are only keeping the peace pees in your houses but it is a false “peace pees in our time” you are only appeasers appeesers

    Fixed (I hope — damn this no-preview thingy).

    Ed

  109. 109
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    @bedtimeforbonzo: my 13-year-old Beagle, Hamilton, no longer bothers to lift his hind leg when he pees

    That’s exactly where we’re heading in this country.

  110. 110
    bayville says:

    Is Pastor Steve opening for Dice Clay at the Tombstone Ramada Inn on Thursday?

  111. 111
    GranFalloon says:

    Maybe the Lord didn’t want people messing up walls.

  112. 112
    licensed to kill time says:

    @Svensker:

    You can’t write your name on the wall if you are sitting down. God doesn’t want men to piss against the wall, clearly he wants them to write their names in the snow. The rest of the time they just have to hold it.

  113. 113
    Onkel Fritze says:

    A couple of things here:

    a) We have these “urinals” in Germany, which are FOR PISSING WHILE STANDING.

    b) I’m in Paris right now. It REALLY is impossible to use a public restroom sitting down. Therefore:

    c) The good pastor really must like the French.

  114. 114
    Besheft says:

    I was hoping to swing by that church and try this one:

    Me: “But Pastor, what did the lord say about Dee?”

    Him: “Dee? Dee who?”

    Me: “Deeeeeeese NUTS”

  115. 115
    slag says:

    @R-Jud: I like this one better than +8/+1/+whatever. Or, at least, I understand it better. And that’s exactly where we’re heading in this country.

  116. 116
    slag says:

    Also, turning the + symbol into an underline? That’s exactly where we’re headed in this country. Also.

  117. 117
    Ash Can says:

    @Poopyman:

    Actually, for real eco-friendly peeing, pee in your ashcan.

    You pee on me and you’ll get your dick blown onto the roof of the house three doors down.

    …Oh, that kind of ash can. OK, never mind.

  118. 118
    Gravenstone says:

    At what point will greater wingnuttia recognize that producing and publishing screeds such as this only works against them. For every kindred soul they may reach, they leave 1000 of us gasping in utterly debilitating laughter.

    On second thought, maybe that’s their entire devious little plot summarized…

  119. 119
    Bill E Pilgrim says:

    @Ash Can: blown onto the roof of the house three doors down.

    And that’s exactly where we’re headed in this….

    Meh.

    I’m going out to dinner.

  120. 120
    Mike says:

    Google “sitzpinkler” kids. It’s a right wing cause celebre.

    BOB is truly lame. He’s just taking up space, I scroll right by
    his posts and the responses as well.

  121. 121
    canuckistani says:

    @Ash Can:

    You pee on me and you’ll get your dick blown onto the roof of the house three doors down.

    oh, “onto the roof”. I was wondering if you were a secret evangelical pastor.

  122. 122
    Poopyman says:

    I gotta admit, I haven’t had my dick blown like that in years. Nowhere near the roof either, IIRC.

  123. 123
    Svensker says:

    @licensed to kill time:

    You can’t write your name on the wall if you are sitting down. God doesn’t want men to piss against the wall, clearly he wants them to write their names in the snow. The rest of the time they just have to hold it.

    I’m not questioning why God doesn’t like men who pee on the wall. I’m questioning why the pastor wants to BE a man who pees on the wall, if God doesn’t like that kinda guy. Seems to me the pastor has added up 2+2 and got -3.

  124. 124
    licensed to kill time says:

    I got your drift, that was just my lame attempt at a joke. The pastor is obviously using Pretzel Logic for the Interpretation of the Holy Pee.

  125. 125
    Shinobi says:

    This pastor has obviously not visited the internet lately:

    http://www.go-girl.com/
    http://www.p-mate.com/eng/intro.html

    Now those of us with girl parts can be “Real Men” too.

    I’ll stick to sitting down though, because in my house if you pee standing up then you also clean the bathroom.

  126. 126
    Lesley says:

    Here’s what I pray for. When Steve is old and can’t stand at the can anymore, his nurse props him and holds the peeing end up. As the urine splashes all over his PJs and face, she can let him know that’s what real men do.

  127. 127
    JM says:

    I would piss on his god, if it weren’t imaginary.

  128. 128
    Throwin Stones says:

    @LoveMonkey:
    7. When on the golf course: http://www.uroclub.org/

  129. 129
    Donald G says:

    Didn’t Jeff Jarvis have a whole series of posts railing against effeminized Sitzplinklers over at Buzzmachine five or more years ago?

    As for Reverend Anderson – what is it about repressive religions wanting to govern to the last details one’s toiletry habits?

  130. 130
    Xecky Gilchrist says:

    You know the old joke – what do men do standing up, women do sitting down, and dogs do while lifting one leg?

    Shake hands!

    If men pee sitting down, this valuable traditional joke will be forever lost.

  131. 131

    […] John Cole we learn that a man’s eternal salvation depends on how he pees. Posted by Mona @ 5:32 pm, Filed under: Main Comments (0) « « Pool Party | Main […]

  132. 132

    @Brick Oven Bill:

    OK, its final. B.o.B. is a front for a liberal making fun of the nutty righty fringe. He cannot be serious.

  133. 133
    LoveMonkey says:

    @Throwin Stones:

    Thanks, ordering mine now.

    I think I can use this right in the grocery store.

  134. 134
    bs nation says:

    I always thought this passage of the Bible was the one that allowed me to swear like a motherf*cker. After all, if the Bible says “Piss”…

  135. 135
    sistermoon says:

    As much as it pains me to do so, I have to give CNN’s Rick Sanchez credit when it comes to this particular wingnut preacher.

    Rick has had in-depth stories on “Pastor” Anderson for the past 5 days, and seems determined to make him the right wing Jeremiah Wright.

    Maybe what the wingers need is a taste of their own medicine…

  136. 136
    Adam Holland says:

    from the Phoenix New Times
    http://blogs.phoenixnewtimes.c.....t_as_i.php

    Rudy Mills, the owner of a salon in the same mall as Anderson’s church, had stopped by to find out what all the controversy was about with the church. At some point, Mills began to challenge Anderson, in a very polite way, over Anderson’s infamous Obama-should-die sermon.

    “You should be preaching the spirit of forgiveness,” Mills advised Anderson, calmly.”You should be preaching redemption and turning away from sin, not condemnation.”

    Anderson accused Mills of defending a murderer (i.e., Obama … because he supports access to abortion…), and accused Mills of voting for Obama, though Mills said he didn’t want to say who he voted for. The pastor declared that he (Anderson) had voted for Ron Paul. (No surprise there, eh?) In the midst of Anderson’s twisted theological explanations, he got off on an odd tangent…

    “The apostles told the Jews that they killed Jesus,” offered Anderson, trying to make the case for the concept of extended guilt. “Were they the ones that physically nailed the nails in his hand? No, it was a Roman soldier. But yet he said to the Jews, you have taken Jesus with wicked hands and have crucified him.'”

  137. 137
    Hob says:

    @licensed to kill time: Actually there’s a very important Bible story about this. It’s just that the Book of Daniel has been mistranslated, so everyone thinks it was a moving finger.

  138. 138
    smartass sob says:

    @Brick Oven Bill: Do not trust a man who sits like President Obama, who crosses his thighs.

    Then you’d be bitching about him flaunting his giant black penis.

    Uh, men who can sit with theirs thighs crossed do not have a giant penis, black or any other color.

  139. 139
    Left Coast Tom says:

    In Lyon’s old town I was shown an outdoor “urinal”…a location along the side of the mairie with a wooden screen around it where one would pee against the wall.

    The text cited here reads “pisseth against the wall”, which Anderson chooses to reinterpret as “pee standing up”. Clearly what’s intended is that males should piss against walls, rather than utilizing such innovations as indoor “plumbing”. Why does this Wingnut refuse to accept The Bible as King James wrote it, choosing instead to apply his own “understanding” in service of his own personal peeing agenda?

  140. 140

    […] Balloon Juice.   […]

  141. 141
    bago says:

    The “Pisseth against the wall” bit was actually one of God’s genocidal orders. The Israelites were having some problems with some other tribe in the area, so god commanded that they go and slay everything that pisseth against the wall, meaning all men old enough to stand up and pee. Then you take their women and you’ve just genocided that whole tribe.

    A mini-holocaust, but without all of that messy numbering and paperwork.

  142. 142
    sasob says:

    The “Pisseth against the wall” bit was actually one of God’s genocidal orders. The Israelites were having some problems with some other tribe in the area, so god commanded that they go and slay everything that pisseth against the wall, meaning all men old enough to stand up and pee. Then you take their women and you’ve just genocided that whole tribe.

    No, not until you turn all those not old enough to piss standing up into eunuch slaves by physically castrating them. Though I suppose psychologically castrating them by conditioning them to piss like women would work almost as well.

  143. 143
    Smapdi says:

    This is why god created prostate cancer.

  144. 144
    bago says:

    @sasob: Just curious, how do people without genitals pass on their genes? I think that might have something to do with the term genocide.

  145. 145
    sasob says:

    @sasob: Just curious, how do people without genitals pass on their genes? I think that might have something to do with the term genocide.

    They don’t – who said they did? If those males who are not “old enough to stand up and pee” are left alive, they will eventually grow up and pass on their genes – which means that genocide has not been accomplished. Only by either killing or castrating all the males would genocide be assured.

  146. 146
    Comrade Sock Puppet of the Great Satan says:

    “Socrates argues that the next step after this ‘last extreme of popular liberty’ is tyranny, but I think he is wrong in our case.”

    It’s good you brought up Socrates, because if there was a society known for its straight-up no homos attitude, it was the Ancient Greeks.

  147. 147
    opium4themasses says:

    Wait a second. Should I feel insulted?

  148. 148
    badgervan says:

    If you drive through the back roads of the deep South, you’ll see many shitty, dirty, small wooden shacks out in the middle of nowhere. Many of them, most of them, have a cross above the door, or on the roof, made out of a couple of sticks nailed together. This always puzzled me as I drove my route some years ago, a Nothern guy trying to fit in in the old Confederacy, trying to find needles in haystacks among the sand ( too bad sand isn’t worth what oil is worth…. Alabama would make Texas look poor ) and pines to make my deliveries.
    One day I asked a native Alabamian what the deal with the crosses was, and he said that these folks had claimed the title of “reverend”…. to avoid paying taxes! Anybody can claim to be a “reverend” down there!
    That explains the existence of the Steven L. Andersons in the South and other intellectually challenged areas of the country better than anything else I can think of.

  149. 149
    smartass sob says:

    That explains the existence of the Steven L. Andersons in the South and other intellectually challenged areas of the country better than anything else I can think of.

    Do you suppose those areas are any more “intellectually challenged” than the inner cities of the North and North East – you know, those clean, shining bastions of modernity where one can be murdered over a pair tennis shoes? You sound a bit bigoted to me.

  150. 150

    […] never change. A couple days ago John Cole highlighted a You-Tube clip of pastor Steven Anderson, the pastor who a couple weeks ago became famous for […]

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  1. […] never change. A couple days ago John Cole highlighted a You-Tube clip of pastor Steven Anderson, the pastor who a couple weeks ago became famous for […]

  2. […] Balloon Juice.   […]

  3. […] John Cole we learn that a man’s eternal salvation depends on how he pees. Posted by Mona @ 5:32 pm, Filed under: Main Comments (0) « « Pool Party | Main […]

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