An Even Simpler Guide To The Goldberg Theorem

When the market goes up, it’s good for Republicans. When the market goes down it’s bad for Democrats.

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This only tangentially relates to Goldberg’s Categorical Imperative, which states that the only quality which can be considered unequivocally good is a misunderstood cartoon version of Reagan.






20 replies
  1. 1
    Ricky Bobby says:

    It took several hundred years for the church to put scripture together and agree on Jesus, I think the GOP will only take about 50-60 years to do the same with Reagan.

  2. 2
    Warren Terra says:

    With apologies to Yossarian, and from memory (did he really say "heck of a"?), That’s one heck of a theorem, that Goldberg theorem.

  3. 3
    Jay in Oregon says:

    When the market goes up, it’s good for Republicans. When the market goes down it’s bad for Democrats.

    Tim beat me to it.

  4. 4
    Martin says:

    Actually, I think the correct rule is:

    Free markets are entirely responsible for the market going up, government intervention is entirely responsible for the market going down. Republicans all want the former, Democrats all want the latter. Pick a side.

  5. 5
    smiley says:

    When the market goes up, it’s good for Republicans. When the market goes down it’s bad for Democrats.

    Shouldn’t that be: When the market goes up, it’s because of Republicans. When the market goes down it’s because of Democrats?

  6. 6
    bootlegger says:

    @Martin: Exactly. All the evidence proves that free markets are awesome while socialism sucks, and any data to the contrary can’t be from true capitalism or socialism because the capitalism=good, socialism=bad is true by definition.

    What’s a tautology?

  7. 7
    bootlegger says:

    Call it the Malkin Corollary to the Godlberg theorem.

  8. 8
    wingnuts to iraq says:

    if someone can figure out a way to make a commodity out of clown shoes Republicans and export it to the world, we might actually fix this economy.

  9. 9
    raff says:

    Bitchez, please.

    Allow me to introduce the Meta-Goldberg-Theorem*.:

    Whenever something (anything) bad happens, it’s the Dem’s fault. Whenever something good happens, it’s thanks to the Repubs’ long-range policy coming to fruition.

    *(This theorem can be used by any conservative pundit wrt any subject at any time.)

  10. 10
    AhabTRuler says:

    @wingnuts to iraq: Soylent Green? Nah, got nuthin’.

  11. 11
    Comrade Stuck says:

    The sort of hackerry from the Goldberg’s of the world only works when there exists a shred of plausibility like with the 2001 change of power. Then there actually was an internet bubble followed by 9-11, with the recession beginning close enough to Bush’s inauguration, to pull off the grift.

    The timing this time, and the fact that average workers have been pissed about stagnant incomes for several years before, during times of high GDP, makes the claims of blaming Obama ludicrous on it’s face. Only if the economy keeps getting worse will wingnuts start to get traction with their nonsense, and even then it will be tempered by the public’s recent experience with their governance. It would become a default choice of having really no hopeful choice at all.

  12. 12
    bootlegger says:

    @raff:

    This theorem can be used by any conservative pundit wrt any subject at any time.

    For example, Tiger Woods came back and nearly doubled TV viewership of golf. He is better than ever thanks to high tech surgery. He got high tech surgery because the American health care system is focused on high-end tech rather than basic health care. We are focused on high tech medicine because its profitable, rather than basic health care like everyone else. So, Republican support of the for-profit health care system, rather than everyone’s basic health is why Tiger is back and golf is on the rebound.

    Flip-side, Tiger was injured because he pushed himself to hard to prove a colored man could golf. Tiger felt compelled to prove this because he’d been sold all that crap about multiculturalism and he felt he had to represent his race to whitey. Democrats are all about multiculturalism and white guilt. Tiger’s injury and golf’s falling profits were Democrats’ fault.

    This is too easy.

  13. 13
    jcricket says:

    It’s stuff like this that makes me either:

    1) Mad as hell – because there’s serious shit going on that requires serious people.

    2) LOL – because if this is the way the GOP continues to act no one outside of the crazies will take them seriously.

    Most of the time I end up on #1. People like my parents (close to retirement) and others I know only 10 years away from retirement are really scared they’ll never be able to retire. People I know who are laid off and my age (mid 30s) are wondering if they’ll ever earn what they earned last year – and whether their kids will be able to go to college – or whether they’ll go bankrupt if anyone in their family gets sick. Climate scientists are wondering if we’re reaching a tipping point where climate change will be irreversible. Poor people all over the world are living on top of garbage heaps or near toxic waste. 1 in 5 children in America go hungry. And that’s off the top of my head.

    And instead of actually discussing real solutions, we’re debating whether FDR lengthened the Depression; whether Bush was a great president, or the greatest president ever; whether torture is reasonable foreign policy, or is just good family fun; whether the earth is 6000 years old – and so on. Dick Cheney’s going on TV claiming Obama is making the world less safe because he’s not torturing innocent people (excuse me, "the worst of the worst until we let them go")

    It’s all bullshit, and we’re all suffering because of it. The GOP is a clear and present danger to America.

  14. 14
    Chaoticgnome says:

    The Republican Party is incapable of being parodied. No matter how crazy you joke they will become…they will reach that mountaintop.

  15. 15
    smiley says:

    @bootlegger:

    Tiger felt compelled to prove this because he’d been sold all that crap about multiculturalism and he felt he had to represent his race to whitey.

    Not true. There have been successful Asian golfers in the past.

    Edited.

  16. 16
    bootlegger says:

    @smiley: I’m sure. My point was the application of the meta-Goldberg theorem. Since it is an exclusive wingnut property it’s likely they wouldn’t consider the Asian contribution to the PGA.

    Or were you just snarking on Tiger’s non-blackness?

  17. 17
    Chaoticgnome says:

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/.....75062.html

    And there it is. The current uptick in the market over the last few days, that’s totally because of Bush.

  18. 18
    argh says:

    Only if the economy keeps getting worse will wingnuts start to get traction with their nonsense

    Unfortunately the economy is almost certainly going to get much, much (much) worse. And the Con Republicans know this very well.

    The Cons chopped down the tree and handed Obama and us libruls the axe and are pointing in blame. Also the Cons own the media microphones, and the average American is an unspeakably greedy, unrepentant short-sighted ignorant fool with a list of borrowed opinions they call their own.

    We are the new Rome, and our Optimates’ diligent plan to end the Republic has worked all too well, hiding their intentions in a cloak of patriotism and their deeds in "who me?" denial attacks.

    Hopefully I am totally wrong.

  19. 19
    smiley says:

    @bootlegger

    Or were you just snarking on Tiger’s non-blackness?

    Yes, I was. But as he knows and President Obama knows, if you look African, you are African (as if there’s anything wrong with that). Those dominant genes…

  20. 20
    smiley says:

    Way OT: Just watched the first two episodes of Damages on Hulu. Shit, in all its glorious forms, is the favorite curse word. Taking a bet — with no prize — when will fuck show up on basic/extended/non subscription cable? Is slang for reproductive behavior worse than slang for defecation? If so, why? You have two pages of single-lined paper to explain (like when I took my qualifying exam).

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