They’re Coming To Your Town!!

Not only can you get your very own burning cross from the American Family Association, but you can also order this handy DVD that let’s you in on a secret that we homosexuals are sworn to never reveal – that we have covert plans to take over every small town in America and implement the homosexual agenda**

Order your copy of “They’re Coming to Your Town” today!

(via)

**Homosexual agenda:

1. Get up at 6
2. Drink 2 cups of coffee
3. Get stuck in traffic on way to work
4. Work
5. Lunch
6. Work
7. Gym
8. Dinner
9. TV
10. Bed
11. Get up at 6






39 replies
  1. 1
    wvng says:

    A version of "they are coming to your town" happened in Hardy County, WV. Not county wide, but on the east side in the Lost River Valley. It became a "destination." Many locals are not yet comfortable with the number of gay people now living in and visiting the area – but the food at the local restaurant a couple took over has never been better. And so tasteful. :-)

    The haters will have more and more trouble getting traction with their agenda. In the meantime, the homosexual agenda will march on:

    1. Get up at 6
    2. Drink 2 cups of coffee
    3. Get stuck in traffic on way to work
    etc.

    heh.

  2. 2

    You’ve proved the point being made by AFA. If you lived in a small town you wouldn’t get stuck in traffic which would result in you having more free time to ruin my marriage and turn my kids gay …

    On a more serious note, what the hell are these people afraid of? Well maintained homes?

  3. 3
    Josh Hueco says:

    @The Grand Panjandrum:

    On a more serious note, what the hell are these people afraid of?

    People who don’t know their place.

  4. 4
    Lavocat says:

    DAMN! They’ve already taken over!

    And we heteros are always the last to know!

  5. 5

    @The Grand Panjandrum:

    On a more serious note, what the hell are these people afraid of? Well maintained homes?

    Loss of status.

    _Gone with the Wind_ is an interesting book, if only because of one passage. In that passage, Mitchell observes that in the post-Civil War South, the lowest status white trash had higher status than the highest status black professional, and that he or she was well-aware of that fact. Just by virtue of being white, a total loser had someone to look down on.

    Having someone that you’re better than, just because, is a nice thing — but the society as a whole has to play along if you’re to keep that unearned status. The society has stopped playing along quite as willingly in the case of women or beige folks, so the losers are looking for someone else that they can get away with stigmatizing.

    In the words of Coco Chanel, Ghey is the new Black.

  6. 6
    DrDave says:

    Mark Fiore summed it all up best way back in 2004.

  7. 7
    DrDave says:

    Way back in 2004, Mark Fiore summed it up very well.

    (2nd try at this; WordPress seems to have eaten my first attempt.)

  8. 8
    Josh Hueco says:

    They’re also apparently afraid of those who will help them party down, those infernal American bands.

  9. 9
    Montysano (All Hail Marx & Lennon) says:

    1. Get up at 6
    2. Drink 2 cups of coffee
    3. Get stuck in traffic on way to work
    4. Work
    5. Lunch
    5.5 Take over every small town in America
    6. Work
    7. Gym
    8. Dinner
    9. TV
    10. Bed
    11. Get up at 6

    Fixed

  10. 10
    Incertus says:

    Two cups of coffee? That’s it? How do you survive on so little caffeine?

  11. 11
    SGEW says:

    Re: Homosexual Agenda

    Believe it or not, Justice Scalia actually nailed it in his dissent in Lawrence v. Texas.

    . . . the so-called homosexual agenda, by which I mean the agenda promoted by some homosexual activists directed at eliminating the moral opprobrium that has traditionally attached to homosexual conduct.

    Pretty accurate, if you ask me. Of course, Scalia sees this as a bad thing.

  12. 12
    Xanthippas says:

    Damn, the homosexual agenda is pretty much the same as my agenda (except for the gym part.) Wait, does that mean I’m gay?

    lowest status white trash had higher status than the highest status black professional

    Incidentally, there are still people who feel that way, as evidenced by the fact that before the election I heard someone who I can heartily attest to as being white trash tell me that they’d "never vote for a ni**er."

  13. 13
    jenniebee says:

    Damn, the homosexual agenda is pretty much the same as my agenda (except for the gym part.) Wait, does that mean I’m gay?

    Granted, I’m hetero and female, but I did watch most of the episodes of Will and Grace, and based on that, I’m pretty sure that the gym is the most essential part of the gay agenda. That and style – style is important too.

  14. 14
  15. 15

    You’ll never take over the world, or even a small town, by sleeping in so late.

  16. 16

    I bet the place looks a lot better, there’s more jobs and more tax money going to public services.

    FtS.

    Edit: I bet they lifted the idea from a 1950’s film or booklet about a town that was taken over by prosperous negroes.

    FtS with rusty farm implements.

  17. 17
    Comrade Darkness says:

    See, the problem is the daily "gym" part of your routine. The heartland is sick and tired of their womenfolk seeing a gay man on the street and exclaiming: "Look at that bod!" Makes those paunchy, pasty straight guys feel inadequate.

  18. 18
    jenniebee says:

    @Tattoosydney:

    Hey, good skin care is not limited to any one sexual orientation! We all gots to fight the scaly elbows and dry shins. Colloidal Oatmeal knows no demographic bounds.

  19. 19
    canuckistani says:

    Get up at 6?!?!
    NOOOOOOO!!!!
    I don’t want to be homosexual!

  20. 20
    DonnaInMichigan says:

    As I have stated before on this blog.

    I am white female, catholic.

    I also have a son who is gay.

    I stand by my son…..and my city, state, country, faith be damned.

    HE is my son.

    I am proud to support and love him. I accept his choice, like I accept my other children’s heterosexual choices. To me there is no difference.

    He is a productive citizen of this country. He works, he owns a home. He pays his bills on time. He also has a wonderful partner, that I have come to love and adore as my own.

    My son and his partner will be home for Christmas. We are planning on a "unity" celebration, as they have taken their relationship to that level. One day, I hope in MY lifetime, I can sit and watch my son, legally marry the person who is his best friend, lover, and partner for life.

    If you all don’t mind, I would love to share those pictures of our family here on this blog, after Christmas…because to our family, this is a blessing.

    Ok, gotta go wipe the tears away and get back to work…

  21. 21
    Comrade Sock Puppet of the Great Satan says:

    Homosexual agenda:

    1. Get up at 6
    2. Drink 2 cups of coffee
    3. Get stuck in traffic on way to work
    4. Work
    5. Lunch
    6. Work
    7. Gym
    7.5 Hawt ghey sex in the toilet
    8. Dinner
    9. TV
    10. Bed
    11. Get up at 6

  22. 22
    Comrade Sock Puppet of the Great Satan says:

    Sorry, Agenda Item 7.5 above was from a GOP Senator’s agenda. Can’t imagine how it got mixed in there.

  23. 23
    tammanycall says:

    **Homosexual agenda:

    Diabolical!

  24. 24
    JGabriel says:

    That can’t be the whole gay agenda!

    I don’t see any of these things on that list: go out in public wearing nothing but leather fetish wear; go to gaysex orgy; attack marriage; corrupt children.

    /snark

    .

  25. 25
    Tim in SF says:

    Here’s the homo agenda that used to be my life back when I was younger and singler:

    The Homosexual Agenda

    8:00 a.m. Wake up. Wonder where you are.

    8:01 a.m. Realize you are lying on 100 percent cotton sheets of at least a 300 count, so don’t panic; you’re not slumming.

    8:02 a.m. Realize you are actually in your own bed for a change. Wake stranger next to you and tell them you are late for work so won’t be able to cook breakfast for them. Mutter "sorry" as you help him look for his far-flung underwear. You find out that you tore his boxers while ripping them off him last night, so you "loan" him a pair of boxer-briefs, but not the new ones because you never intend to see him again.

    8:05 a.m. Tell the stranger, whose name eludes you, "It was fun. I’ll give you a call," as you usher him out the door, avoiding his egregious morning-breath.

    8:06 a.m. Crumple and dispose of the piece of paper with his telephone number on it when you get to the kitchen.

    8:07 a.m. Make a high protein breakfast while watching the Today show. Wonder if the stories you’ve heard about Matt Lauer are true. Decide they must be.

    More

  26. 26
    Peter VE says:

    You seem to have left out:

    8.5 Blog about Hawt ghey sex in the toilet; attacking marriage; and corrupting children.

    Alternatively (Pace Andrew Sullivan)

    8.5 Blog about the joys of boring gay marriage with your husband/wife.

  27. 27
    Krista says:

    If you all don’t mind, I would love to share those pictures of our family here on this blog, after Christmas…because to our family, this is a blessing.

    Awww…now you’re making me all teary too. I’d love to see those photos, and I can only hope that someday I can be even half as awesome mother as you obviously are.

  28. 28
    Darkrose says:

    Get up at 6

    Uh, sorry, but this dyke is so not down with that part of the Agenda. Can we push it back to, say, 11?

  29. 29
    terry chay says:

    @Tattoosydney “Nobody expects the Gay Agenda! Their three weapons are the gym, a sense of style, and moisturizer…and an almost fanatical devotion to socializing… Our *four*…no… *Amongst* their weapons…are such elements as fitness, style, skin care… I’ll come in again…

  30. 30

    I don’t think it can be said better than this.

    Louis Black speaks for me.

    Watch, as they say, the whole thing.

  31. 31
    Delia says:

    1. Get up at 6 . . . .

    Aw, come on, Michael. This is not entirely truthful. We all know you’re spending some time in there walking your dog.

  32. 32
    bobbo says:

    I go to the gym before work. Does that make me straight? It would explain some things . . .

  33. 33
    binzinerator says:

    Homosexual agenda:

    1. Get up at 6
    2. Drink 2 cups of coffee
    3. Get stuck in traffic on way to work
    4. Work
    5. Lunch
    6. Work
    7. Gym
    8. Dinner
    9. TV
    10. Bed
    11. Get up at 6

    My Heterosexual agenda:

    1. Get up at 7
    2. Drink 3 cups of coffee
    3. Get stuck in traffic on way to work
    4. Work
    5. Lunch
    6. Work
    7. Gym
    8. Dinner
    9. TV
    10. Bed
    11. Get up at 7

    I am convinced the extra hour of sleep and the extra cup of coffee are what have kept me ghey-free and keenly interested in sex with my wife.

    If you don’t have the time to sleep in late, then you gotta make the time. It’s a choice, man.

  34. 34
    binzinerator says:

    See, the problem is the daily "gym" part of your routine. The heartland is sick and tired of their womenfolk seeing a gay man on the street and exclaiming: "Look at that bod!" Makes those paunchy, pasty straight guys feel inadequate.

    Yes, goddammit. I’d never have Gym on my personal hetero agenda if it wasn’t for them homos makin’ me do it by causing my wife to make snide comments on my beer gut. Which causes marital discord as it reduces her appreciation of my ‘keenly interested in sex with my wife’.

    It’s all of a piece and all comes back to the same thing: Damn gheys, trying to ruin yet another hetero marriage.

  35. 35

    Thanks for the end of day laugh. Much appreciated.

  36. 36
    EL says:

    Damn! Those durn homosexuals are even stealing my agenda! (So that’s where it went.)

    Well, except for the "get stuck in traffic" part, since I can often work from home part of the day.

    Low-down agenda-stealing creeps.

  37. 37
    pattonbt says:

    So apparently (point 3 notwithstanding as I live close enough to work to walk) I am gay. Such a diobalical agenda, it caught me unawares and now, it seems, its too late. That ghey just creeped up and got me when I wasnt looking.

    That would probably explain a lot of things to my mom who sees a still single almost 40 year old male with some apparently…ummmm….gay tendencies. I am apparently overly neat and clean and take too good of care of may hair, eyebrows and skin – I didnt realize these were warning signs.

    Yet I am conflicted – I still really enjoy doing the two backed beast with the ladies and find the same with guys to be ick (not that there is anything wrong with that). So am I just projecting? Am I in denial? I need to know. Help.

  38. 38
    MikeJ says:

    Here’s the homo agenda that used to be my life back when I was younger and singler:

    Eeeeew. That’s disgusting. You watch the Today show?

    Pervert.

  39. 39
    Martin says:

    Eeeeew. That’s disgusting. You watch the Today show?

    No shit. Why would you start the day with something that makes you stupider? There’s a reason that we drink after work and not before it. I suggest you apply that same reasoning to your TV viewing.

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