My Family Visited The Creation Museum And All I Got Was Stupider

John Scalzi took a field trip:

Imagine, if you will, a load of horseshit. And we’re not talking just your average load of horseshit; no, we’re talking colossal load of horsehit. An epic load of horseshit. The kind of load of horseshit that has accreted over decades and has developed its own sort of ecosystem, from the flyblown chunks at the perimeter, down into the heated and decomposing center, generating explosive levels of methane as bacteria feast merrily on vintage, liquified crap. This is a Herculean load of horseshit, friends, the likes of which has not been seen since the days of Augeas.

And you look at it and you say, “Wow, what a load of horseshit.”

Ah, if only the conservatives would build a museum to every one of their fringe ideas. Imagine the great writing that would come from visiting the Islamofascism Awareness Center. The Laffer Library. A Clinton Death List ride at Disney…with animatronic lesbians! Madame Tussaid’s Wax Corner. If Oral Roberts U can pull $70 mil out of thin air then the moneybags who aren’t giving much to Republicans this election cycle can make one of these great ideas a reality.






45 replies
  1. 1
    Jen says:

    I’d like to see a Gun Museum, where you can bring a concealed firearm loaded with cop-killer bullets and no safety. That would have real Darwin Award potential.

  2. 2
    RSA says:

    Excellent. I’ll add, based on a half-remembered National Lampoon cartoon panel, a Second Amendment Gallery showing how the NRA and gun-toting Americans have helped keep this country free and safe, with exhibits to include the protection of Japanese-American citizens from internment, scenes from the civil rights movement, and perhaps Oklahoma City.

  3. 3
    Jake says:

    Don’t forget the sprawling cathedral dedicated to St. Ron. Drink from the font of Trickle Down Economics and be healed of your afflictions!

    And what about a Rapture Amusement Park? I’m surprised LaHaye & Jenkins have settled for a video game and a lame ass movie.

  4. 4
    Tim F. says:

    Drink from the font of Trickle Down Economics and be healed of your afflictions!

    That’d be a long wait for water.

  5. 5
    guyermo says:

    So John Scalzi is Biff

  6. 6

    As a mathematician, I’d like to say that the currently accepted scientific theory is evolution. But, some competing ideas have been proposed, such as Intelligent Design and Pastafarianism, and discussion to include one should include the other, as these ideas are equally valid.

  7. 7
    Tsulagi says:

    Oookay, I think Scalzi pretty much covered the full visual range of horseshit. I got the picture.

    Speaking of horseshit, I would fully expect to soon see this banner at the entrance of the Creation Museum.

  8. 8

    Oh, and Intelligent Design = Creationism in a tuxedo (per a colleague of mine.)

  9. 9

    There’s one giant museum to all that stuff already in the planning stages. The George W. Bush Presidential Library.

    Oh come on–you knew it was coming.

  10. 10
    Pb says:

    Jake,

    Well, there was this, until Robertson… well, you know.

  11. 11
    Jen says:

    Pb, that’s so funny. Pat Robertson really has a window into God’s mind, doesn’t he? I wonder what the divine punishment for endorsing Guiliani will be?

  12. 12
    RSA says:

    Good one, Pb. Too bad–the refreshment stands selling loaves and fishes would have been great (and they’d never run out of anything).

  13. 13

    Tsulagi,

    No fair! That link needs a warning. Coffee on the screen, man. Hysterically funny. I starting to laug….. hahahaha …… Thanks. You made my day.

  14. 14
    Ed Drone says:

    “Pb, that’s so funny. Pat Robertson really has a window into God’s mind, doesn’t he? I wonder what the divine punishment for endorsing Guiliani will be?”

    That’s easy — Rudy Giuliani.

    Unfortunately, the punishment could be shared by the rest of us.

    Ed

  15. 15
    Zifnab says:

    My Family Visited The Creation Museum And All I Got Was More Stupider

    Corrected for Graemer.

  16. 16
    Jen says:

    That’s easy—Rudy Giuliani.

    That’s clever, but see, God prefers his retribution to be entirely unrelated to the offense so that only the truly enlightened can make the connection. If you don’t crack down on gays and feminists, you get 9/11.

  17. 17
    SpotWeld says:

    Ah, if only the conservatives would build a museum to every one of their fringe ideas.

    Karl Rove Presidential Museum and Library?

  18. 18
    Bubblegum Tate says:

    Madame Tussaid’s Wax Corner.

    Awesome

  19. 19
    r€nato says:

    Incertus beat me to it.

  20. 20
    Bombadil says:

    A Clinton Death List ride at Disney…with animatronic lesbians!

    Mmmmmm…..animatronic lesbians!

  21. 21
    jcricket says:

    Oh, and Intelligent Design = Creationism in a tuxedo shirt with jeans and sneakers (per a colleague of mine.)

    Fixed.

  22. 22
    Billy K says:

    Intelligent Design = Creationism in a tuxedo lab coat.

  23. 23
    jcricket says:

    Speaking of creationism – with debates about evolution being forced on us by an increasingly shrill wingosphere, is it any wonder why our children are suffering in their schooling?

    Europe and Asia are laughing at us about this bullshit religiosity (and I’m not one who thinks religion itself is a bad thing, being Jewish) we’re forced to endlessly debate about in schools.

    So not content to fuck us up geo-politically through unnecessary wars, torture and the abrogation of international treaties, Republicans are also trying to fuck up our children’s futures by ignoring environmental threats, fucking up their school funding, and creating useless debates about long-solved scientific issues.

  24. 24
    jcricket says:

    Mmmmmm…..animatronic lesbians!

    I think they actually have those already (buy two).

    Snarkily, if you watch Nip/Tuck, I’d argue that the two actresses playing lesbians right now are pretty animatronic.

  25. 25
    trishb says:

    Here’s another good take on the pile o’ horseshit: Fun at the Creation Museum

    One of the most interesting discoveries of the museum is that The Flintstones was not merely a children’s’ cartoon, but rather a realistic depiction of man’s early interaction with their dinosaur friends. Never mind those foolish heathen scientists who say that humans came some 60 million years after the extinction of dinosaurs. The first image the visitor receives as he/she enters the museum is Eve/Pebbles Flintstone frolicking with her pet dinosaur, Dino. No worries for Pebbles, because this “velaciraptor” is a playful vegetarian pet here to serve you and be your buddy.

  26. 26
    Tony J says:

    Intelligent Design = Creationism in wearing a tuxedo pair of thick-rimmed spectacles and it’s hair slicked into a side-part.

  27. 27
    Dreggas says:

    Zifnab Says:

    My Family Visited The Creation Museum And All I Got Was More Stupider

    Corrected for Graemer.

    Hey leave Graeme Frost outta this, he went to one of those private schools and got that great edumacation bush always talks about!

  28. 28
    les says:

    As a mathematician

    …you obviously don’t know jack about biology. Thanks for playing.

  29. 29
    Punchy says:

    For all you fucks who believe there’s no evidence of intelligent design? I give you:

    Jessica Alba

    Only God could have possibly designed something so phine.

  30. 30
    binzinerator says:

    …Intelligent Design and Pastafarianism

    And Al Dente is their God incarnate. Oops. I meant con carne.

    Kind of scary how if you removed the word Pastafarianism, that would no longer be a parody. Cuttin’ it close, Cindre.

  31. 31
    binzinerator says:

    Jessica Alba

    If you say so. My heart still belongs to Emma Thompson.

    Any day Emma’s going to realize her mistake and call me. Any day now…

  32. 32
    canuckistani says:

    For all you fucks who believe there’s no evidence of intelligent design? I give you:

    Jessica Alba

    Only God could have possibly designed something so phine.

    Conversely, we have Ann Coulter. Same designer, so I consider your case refuted.

  33. 33

    les Says:

    As a mathematician

    …you obviously don’t know jack about biology. Thanks for playing.

    I require Proof that I don’t know jack. All Theorems presented without rigorous proof will be pitched into Conjecture Hell. What is your evidence that Intelligent Design and Pastafarianism ARE NOT of equal scientific validity? Au contraire!

    OK OK I know mathematical proof and scientific proof are not the same, but I only wish to use my powerful and awesome intellect to impress the chicks. Its hard being a geek out here in the badlands of New Mexico. It really upsets me that someone doesn’t want me to play anymore. Boo Hoo.

  34. 34
    binzinerator says:

    Conversely, we have Ann Coulter.

    No that only supports the case for an Anti-Christ.

    I keep waiting for her horsey face to loosen and fall off, revealing a pointy goatee, fangs and horns. It must suck to have to depilate one’s chin every day.

    One may be tempted to argue that to have an Anti-Christ one must also have a Christ. But it could also be that Satan runs both shows. If I were Satan, that’s what I’d do — what could be more evil than that? Such duplicity! So many deceived souls! Hoo, I’m bad!

  35. 35
    bago says:

    You don’t know jack has at least seven sequels.

  36. 36
    The Other Steve says:

    OOOOHHHHHHH NOOEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!

    The Counter Clinton Library has CLOSED!

    Apparently nobody cared. I didn’t even realize they gave up like 2 years ago.

  37. 37
    Dreggas says:

    After reading this whole thing am I the only one eager to pitch a new movie to any of the big studios called “Jurassic Ark”? It would be a thriller, ya know, raptors all loose on the ark goin after Noah and the family…

  38. 38
    jack fate says:

    Some of you might find this hilarious, some of you might be offended*. By the way, this is a true story. Seriously, there’s video.

    *You’ve been warned!

  39. 39
    BIRDZILLA says:

    WE DIDNT LIVE IN THE TREES WE DIDNT HANG BY OUR TAILS WE DIDNT COME FROM ANY APE YOU ATHEISTIC PINKO MEAT HEAD and we all know that RICHARD DAWKINS is a ATHEISTIC PINKO MEAT HEAD

  40. 40

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  41. 41

    […] My Family Visited The Creation Museum And All I Got Was Stupider […]

  42. 42
    Dreggas says:

    My Family Visited The Creation Museum And All I Got Was Stupider
    By: Tim F. November 29, 2007 at 12:11 pm
    ——————————————————————————–

    John Scalzi took a field trip:

    Imagine, if you will, a load of horseshit. And we’re not talking just your average load of horseshit; no, we’re talking colossal load of horsehit. An epic load of horseshit. The kind of load of horseshit that has accreted over decades and has developed its own sort of ecosystem, from the flyblown chunks at the perimeter, down into the heated and decomposing center, generating explosive levels of methane as bacteria feast merrily on vintage, liquified crap. This is a Herculean load of horseshit, friends, the likes of which has not been seen since the days of Augeas.

    And you look at it and you say, “Wow, what a load of horseshit.”

    Ah, if only the conservatives would build a museum to every one of their fringe ideas. Imagine the great writing that would come from visiting the Islamofascism Awareness Center. The Laffer Library. A Clinton Death List ride at Disney…with animatronic lesbians! Madame Tussaid’s Wax Corner. If Oral Roberts U can pull $70 mil out of thin air then the moneybags who aren’t giving much to Republicans this election cycle can make one of these great ideas a reality.

    Filed under: Humor, General Stupidity |

    40 Responses to “My Family Visited The Creation Museum And All I Got Was Stupider”
    Jen Says:

    I’d like to see a Gun Museum, where you can bring a concealed firearm loaded with cop-killer bullets and no safety. That would have real Darwin Award potential.

    November 29th, 2007 at 12:29 pm

    RSA Says:

    Excellent. I’ll add, based on a half-remembered National Lampoon cartoon panel, a Second Amendment Gallery showing how the NRA and gun-toting Americans have helped keep this country free and safe, with exhibits to include the protection of Japanese-American citizens from internment, scenes from the civil rights movement, and perhaps Oklahoma City.

    November 29th, 2007 at 12:32 pm

    Jake Says:

    Don’t forget the sprawling cathedral dedicated to St. Ron. Drink from the font of Trickle Down Economics and be healed of your afflictions!

    And what about a Rapture Amusement Park? I’m surprised LaHaye & Jenkins have settled for a video game and a lame ass movie.

    November 29th, 2007 at 12:33 pm

    Tim F. Says:

    Drink from the font of Trickle Down Economics and be healed of your afflictions!

    That’d be a long wait for water.

    November 29th, 2007 at 12:44 pm

    guyermo Says:

    So John Scalzi is Biff

    November 29th, 2007 at 12:45 pm

    Cindrella Ferret Says:

    As a mathematician, I’d like to say that the currently accepted scientific theory is evolution. But, some competing ideas have been proposed, such as Intelligent Design and Pastafarianism, and discussion to include one should include the other, as these ideas are equally valid.

    November 29th, 2007 at 12:48 pm

    Tsulagi Says:

    Oookay, I think Scalzi pretty much covered the full visual range of horseshit. I got the picture.

    Speaking of horseshit, I would fully expect to soon see this banner at the entrance of the Creation Museum.

    November 29th, 2007 at 12:48 pm

    Cindrella Ferret Says:

    Oh, and Intelligent Design = Creationism in a tuxedo (per a colleague of mine.)

    November 29th, 2007 at 12:49 pm

    Incertus (Brian) Says:

    There’s one giant museum to all that stuff already in the planning stages. The George W. Bush Presidential Library.

    Oh come on—you knew it was coming.

    November 29th, 2007 at 12:51 pm

    Pb Says:

    Jake,

    Well, there was this, until Robertson… well, you know.

    November 29th, 2007 at 12:52 pm

    Jen Says:

    Pb, that’s so funny. Pat Robertson really has a window into God’s mind, doesn’t he? I wonder what the divine punishment for endorsing Guiliani will be?

    November 29th, 2007 at 12:56 pm

    RSA Says:

    Good one, Pb. Too bad—the refreshment stands selling loaves and fishes would have been great (and they’d never run out of anything).

    November 29th, 2007 at 12:59 pm

    Cindrella Ferret Says:

    Tsulagi,

    No fair! That link needs a warning. Coffee on the screen, man. Hysterically funny. I starting to laug….. hahahaha …… Thanks. You made my day.

    November 29th, 2007 at 1:02 pm

    Ed Drone Says:

    “Pb, that’s so funny. Pat Robertson really has a window into God’s mind, doesn’t he? I wonder what the divine punishment for endorsing Guiliani will be?”

    That’s easy—Rudy Giuliani.

    Unfortunately, the punishment could be shared by the rest of us.

    Ed

    November 29th, 2007 at 1:03 pm

    Zifnab Says:

    My Family Visited The Creation Museum And All I Got Was More Stupider

    Corrected for Graemer.

    November 29th, 2007 at 1:06 pm

    Jen Says:

    That’s easy—Rudy Giuliani.

    That’s clever, but see, God prefers his retribution to be entirely unrelated to the offense so that only the truly enlightened can make the connection. If you don’t crack down on gays and feminists, you get 9/11.

    November 29th, 2007 at 1:11 pm

    SpotWeld Says:

    Ah, if only the conservatives would build a museum to every one of their fringe ideas.

    Karl Rove Presidential Museum and Library?

    November 29th, 2007 at 1:15 pm

    Bubblegum Tate Says:

    Madame Tussaid’s Wax Corner.

    Awesome

    November 29th, 2007 at 1:17 pm

    r€nato Says:

    Incertus beat me to it.

    November 29th, 2007 at 1:18 pm

    Bombadil Says:

    A Clinton Death List ride at Disney…with animatronic lesbians!

    Mmmmmm…..animatronic lesbians!

    November 29th, 2007 at 1:24 pm

    jcricket Says:

    Oh, and Intelligent Design = Creationism in a tuxedo shirt with jeans and sneakers (per a colleague of mine.)

    Fixed.

    November 29th, 2007 at 1:41 pm

    Billy K Says:

    Intelligent Design = Creationism in a tuxedo lab coat.

    November 29th, 2007 at 1:43 pm

    jcricket Says:

    Speaking of creationism – with debates about evolution being forced on us by an increasingly shrill wingosphere, is it any wonder why our children are suffering in their schooling?

    Europe and Asia are laughing at us about this bullshit religiosity (and I’m not one who thinks religion itself is a bad thing, being Jewish) we’re forced to endlessly debate about in schools.

    So not content to fuck us up geo-politically through unnecessary wars, torture and the abrogation of international treaties, Republicans are also trying to fuck up our children’s futures by ignoring environmental threats, fucking up their school funding, and creating useless debates about long-solved scientific issues.

    November 29th, 2007 at 1:45 pm

    jcricket Says:

    Mmmmmm…..animatronic lesbians!

    I think they actually have those already (buy two).

    Snarkily, if you watch Nip/Tuck, I’d argue that the two actresses playing lesbians right now are pretty animatronic.

    November 29th, 2007 at 1:48 pm

    trishb Says:

    Here’s another good take on the pile o’ horseshit: Fun at the Creation Museum

    One of the most interesting discoveries of the museum is that The Flintstones was not merely a children’s’ cartoon, but rather a realistic depiction of man’s early interaction with their dinosaur friends. Never mind those foolish heathen scientists who say that humans came some 60 million years after the extinction of dinosaurs. The first image the visitor receives as he/she enters the museum is Eve/Pebbles Flintstone frolicking with her pet dinosaur, Dino. No worries for Pebbles, because this “velaciraptor” is a playful vegetarian pet here to serve you and be your buddy.

    November 29th, 2007 at 2:00 pm

    Tony J Says:

    Intelligent Design = Creationism in wearing a tuxedo pair of thick-rimmed spectacles and it’s hair slicked into a side-part.

    November 29th, 2007 at 2:06 pm

    Dreggas Says:

    Zifnab Says:

    My Family Visited The Creation Museum And All I Got Was More Stupider

    Corrected for Graemer.

    Hey leave Graeme Frost outta this, he went to one of those private schools and got that great edumacation bush always talks about!

    November 29th, 2007 at 2:28 pm

    les Says:

    As a mathematician

    …you obviously don’t know jack about biology. Thanks for playing.

    November 29th, 2007 at 4:20 pm

    Punchy Says:

    For all you fucks who believe there’s no evidence of intelligent design? I give you:

    Jessica Alba

    Only God could have possibly designed something so phine.

    November 29th, 2007 at 5:26 pm

    binzinerator Says:

    …Intelligent Design and Pastafarianism…

    And Al Dente is their God incarnate. Oops. I meant con carne.

    Kind of scary how if you removed the word Pastafarianism, that would no longer be a parody. Cuttin’ it close, Cindre.

    November 29th, 2007 at 5:57 pm

    binzinerator Says:

    Jessica Alba

    If you say so. My heart still belongs to Emma Thompson.

    Any day Emma’s going to realize her mistake and call me. Any day now…

    November 29th, 2007 at 6:06 pm

    canuckistani Says:

    For all you fucks who believe there’s no evidence of intelligent design? I give you:

    Jessica Alba

    Only God could have possibly designed something so phine.

    Conversely, we have Ann Coulter. Same designer, so I consider your case refuted.

    November 29th, 2007 at 6:15 pm

    Cinderella Ferret Says:

    les Says:

    As a mathematician

    …you obviously don’t know jack about biology. Thanks for playing.

    I require Proof that I don’t know jack. All Theorems presented without rigorous proof will be pitched into Conjecture Hell. What is your evidence that Intelligent Design and Pastafarianism ARE NOT of equal scientific validity? Au contraire!

    OK OK I know mathematical proof and scientific proof are not the same, but I only wish to use my powerful and awesome intellect to impress the chicks. Its hard being a geek out here in the badlands of New Mexico. It really upsets me that someone doesn’t want me to play anymore. Boo Hoo.

    November 29th, 2007 at 7:57 pm

    binzinerator Says:

    Conversely, we have Ann Coulter.

    No that only supports the case for an Anti-Christ.

    I keep waiting for her horsey face to loosen and fall off, revealing a pointy goatee, fangs and horns. It must suck to have to depilate one’s chin every day.

    One may be tempted to argue that to have an Anti-Christ one must also have a Christ. But it could also be that Satan runs both shows. If I were Satan, that’s what I’d do—what could be more evil than that? Such duplicity! So many deceived souls! Hoo, I’m bad!

    November 29th, 2007 at 8:06 pm

    bago Says:

    You don’t know jack has at least seven sequels.

    November 29th, 2007 at 9:26 pm

    The Other Steve Says:

    OOOOHHHHHHH NOOEEEEESSSSS

    The Counter Clinton Library has CLOSED!

    Apparently nobody cared. I didn’t even realize they gave up like 2 years ago.

    November 29th, 2007 at 9:35 pm

    Dreggas Says:

    After reading this whole thing am I the only one eager to pitch a new movie to any of the big studios called “Jurassic Ark”? It would be a thriller, ya know, raptors all loose on the ark goin after Noah and the family…

    November 29th, 2007 at 9:36 pm

    jack fate Says:

    Some of you might find this hilarious, some of you might be offended*. By the way, this is a true story. Seriously, there’s video.

    *You’ve been warned!

    Warned? Hell that was funny shit!

  43. 43
  44. 44
    Tax Analyst says:

    Dreggas Says:

    Ah hell.

    Don’tcha hate when that happens? I think I did it once here.

  45. 45
    W. Kiernan says:

    Punchy: Jessica Alba… Only God could have possibly designed something so phine.

    Very well, but by the same reasoning the existence of Bjork clearly indicates that Christianity is wrong; there must be at least seven distinct omnipotent Gods, of whom at least two are completely insane.

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