Afternoon Predictions

If convicted, Barry Bonds will serve more time than Scooter Libby.

Put your predictions below, or I will kick you in the junk. Or give you an atomic wedgie. Or taunt you a second time. Consider this an open thread (AND A BLATANT ATTEMPT TO INCITE VIOLENCE!).

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56 replies
  1. 1
    Dug Jay says:

    If convicted, Barry Bonds will serve more time than Scooter Libby.

    Seems reasonable given that Bonds is actually accused of something serious, as opposed to a purely political witch hunt.

  2. 2
    Billy K says:

    If convicted, Barry Bonds will serve more time than Scooter Libby.

    Makes sense to me. This is perfectly in line with America’s priorities.

  3. 3
    Zifnab says:

    Diane Feinstein, after caving to political pressure and voting down Telecomm Amnesty, will find a new way to support Telecomm Amnesty before the end of the month.

    Reid/Pelosi/et al, will claim they had to give the Telecomms amnesty because Bush asked them oh so nicely and it was the right thing to do.

    Neither Harriet Miers nor Joshua Bolton will ever testify before the 110th US Congress, no matter how many times people talk about enforcing subpeonas.

    UT will beat aTm until it curls up in a little ball and cries itself to sleep. This will have absolutely nothing to do with any effort put forward by Colt McCoy.

    Santa Claus will take two between the eyes at the end of the Macy’s Day Thanksgiving Parade, yet another fallen soldier in the War On Christmas.

  4. 4
    Chuck T says:

    I think it’s swell that we expect more transparency, oversight, and accountability from our baseball record-breakers than we do our elected officials… hey, here’s an idea:

    Can we put an asterisk next to #43 in the history books?

  5. 5
  6. 6
    Thom says:

    Sometime late next year Bonds’ll plead guilty to something or other and won’t get any time.

    That’s my prediction. Quit looking at my junk.

  7. 7
    Face says:

    Put your predictions below, or I will kick you in the junk.

    Better bring a really, REALLY big boot.

  8. 8
    Teak111 says:

    BB and his $700 an hour lawyer(s) will plea bargin down to 12 hours community service, a promise the find the real purjurers, and an agreement to build 10 little ball parks (tax dedcutable) in the SF area.

    FiDi will announce that she and Joe are getting mariied and Dick Cheney will preside over the ceremony in a safe and stable Iraq. Wedding guests will recieve free cell phones.

    Patterico will continue to use interesting hypotheticals to drive internet traffic.

  9. 9
    mrmobi says:

    Can we put an asterisk next to #43 in the history books?

    Not so fast there, Sparky. After the world financial collapse of 2009, the true culprit for our damaged political system will be identified.

    Ready for it? The CLAGINA!

  10. 10
    Joel says:

    No, Barry won’t serve any time, precisely because his crimes are the same as Libby’s. Any good lawyer, after his client is convicted of perjury, obstruction of justice, or making false statements, can argue “the President of the United States says my client should not serve prison time.” Which, after all, is exactly what President Bush said.

  11. 11
    salvage says:

    The CLAGINA:

    One part gin
    Two parts Orangina
    A slice of lemon and or orange served with ice

  12. 12
    ThymeZone says:

    Media political pundits will not discover that congressional “approval ratings” mean absolutely nothing, even though presidential ones do.

  13. 13
    Dungheap says:

    It’s not really a tough call considering the amount of time Scooter spent in prison. Drop the “if convicted” and you’ve got a bit more of a challenge.

    For fear of taking one in the junk, my prediction is that Barry pleads out and spends some time on the “Drugs are Bad, M’Kay” circuit.

  14. 14
    mrmobi says:

    There is an excellent post over at Kung Fu Monkey detailing why writers in Hollywood need a union. It’s titled “The Albatross.” Good stuff.

  15. 15
    RSA says:

    Put your predictions below, or I will kick you in the junk.

    Don’t kick me in the junk, bro! (Cue off-camera moaning.)

  16. 16
    Robert Johnston says:

    Survey says . . .

    Whether or not Barry’s convicted, and whether or not he serves time, Bud Selig will have a minor hissy fit and hand down a suspension that keeps Bonds from ever playing again. Baseball writers will have a much bigger and more self-righteous hissy fit and not vote Bonds into the Hall of Fame until enough time has passed for them to grow up and acknowledge exactly how widespread steroid use in baseball was from the early 90s until very recently.

    Bonds screwed up with the grand jury. He seems to have forgotten that a) he had immunity and b) Bud Selig and the Giants had no power to sanction or suspend him for anything said there, both because the proceedings were ostensibly secret and because it would be a massive violation of the Basic Agreement with the players union and would almost certainly instigate a strike if they went around sanctioning players for behavior that wasn’t covered by agreement and that half the league engaged in.

    By the way, the next person to get overbearingly self-righteous about Barry Bonds and steroids in my presence will be the recipient of a swift Kick-in-the-Junk™.

  17. 17
    jcricket says:

    Steely McBeam

    He’s looking a little “jacked” lately, wouldn’t you say. Probably a juicer.

  18. 18
    Punchy says:

    Bonds, yo, will bargain this dizzown to some 500 hours of community service, natch. When he decides signing baseballs count, he’ll rip off 1000 Handcocks (that’ll flood Ebay) and everyone will call squares.

    Meanwhile, his b’acne will continue to grow like ferns in a rainforest, and his feet will soon double as water skis…

  19. 19
    Dreggas says:

    I predict I will never sell this DJ equipment *pounds head on desk*

  20. 20
    binzinerator says:

    The CLAGINA

    Considering McCain’s recent remarks, I thought it’ll be Teh CLITCH.

    Salve: Got a recipe for it?

  21. 21
    chopper says:

    i love it when republicans, the party that investigated socks the cat’s use of postage, scream ‘partisan witch-hunt’.

  22. 22
    Punchy says:

    I will never sell this DJ equipment

    High-tops, uni, and a signed basketball?

  23. 23
    Rudi says:

    Barry Bonds and Raf Palmero are put under oath to testify. Energy leaders aren’t sworn in to testify to a Republican Congress. Bonds will go to jail and Blackwater makes millions while Ralph Roberts calls them thugs and rogues. Baseball,Btitney and WWE hearings, but no serious Iraq hearings??

  24. 24
    Cain says:

    DIE COLE! I will summon the armies of twilight! I will summon the trolls! Let the fairy war begin!! You will wallow in violence!

    (well faerie really, but I’ve declared friday to be double entendre day)

    :-)

    cain

  25. 25
    Z says:

    I predict K-lo will write how her old crush (Santorum) would make an awesome running mate for her new crush (Mitt).

    I predict that if John were to actually use his junk-kicking power for good, the entire staff of NRO would drop their 22s and running shreiking behind Bush, who in turn, would run shreiking behind the military.

  26. 26
    cleek says:

    The CLAGINA:

    One part gin, Two parts Orangina

    we make it with Clamato, Gin and Orangina. layered, with a sprinkling of shredded coconut on top.

  27. 27
    johhny rotten says:

    To paraphrase Tom Hanks

    “You can’t lie!” There’s no Lying in Baseball!”

  28. 28
    Punchy says:

    Holy F’in Christ on a noodly pogo stick….

    It’s OK for the MSM (MSNBC) to give the FSM some TLC..WTF?

    By the way, how tits is that title? “Pasta Monster”?? Guffaw-inducing…

  29. 29
    Ellison, Ellensburg, Ellers, and Lambchop says:

    Take the Saints and Over 48.

  30. 30
    Dreggas says:

    Punchy Says:

    I will never sell this DJ equipment

    High-tops, uni, and a signed basketball?

    No this kind LOL and yes that is the item in question.

  31. 31
    Perry Como says:

    I predict Aion is going to kick some ass.

  32. 32
    RSA says:

    My prediction: Bonds will serve the same amount of time as Mike Tyson, and emerge (even more) bitter and reclusive (than he is already).

  33. 33
    Davebo says:

    My prediction, after getting legal representation from a rather zombie like Johnny Cochran, Bonds will cut a plea admitting to manslaughter and insider trading but not perjury or obstruction of justice.

    Then quickly sign with the Texas Rangers in anticipation of it’s new management.

    He will eventually be awarded a contract to provide steroids for democracy in Iraq and be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

    But remember, all this is just a hypothetical question.

  34. 34
    Dreggas says:

    Davebo Says:

    My prediction, after getting legal representation from a rather zombie like Johnny Cochran, Bonds will cut a plea admitting to manslaughter and insider trading but not perjury or obstruction of justice.

    If the needle doesn’t fit then you must acquit?

  35. 35
    Tax Analyst says:

    (AND A BLATANT ATTEMPT TO INCITE VIOLENCE!).

    OH, NO! I think I KILLED a man…and, and…it’s all JOHN COLE’S FAULT!

    OH…no, wait…he’s not dead, it’s just Patterico writhing and contorting on the ground after an imaginary viciously brutal junk-kicking attack.

  36. 36
    Psycheout says:

    He deserves life in prision as do all illegal drug users. They are lost and irredeemable. He might get 15, but I doubt it. I think Hank Aaron’s record should remain intact. Barry Bonds needs to be forgotten. He’s a cheater and a liar, allegedly. Heh.

  37. 37
    Psycheout says:

    Oh yeah, I wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it goes.

  38. 38
    JWW says:

    I say no bail, three squares, 24hrs. Time served. My junk ain’t for kicking, unless of course you go barefoot.

  39. 39
    Tax Analyst says:

    Uh…My Junk Ain’t Made For Kickin’, keep your Steely McBeams away from my jeans.

    Submitted with apologies to Nancy Sinatra and whoever actually wrote “These Boots Were Made For Walkin” – (might have been Lee Hazlewood…maybe).

  40. 40

    Of course he will. Americans love to ravage their heroes.

    Libby? Hardly a hero. Bonds? Definitely. People looked up to, loved, admired, worshiped him. To discover teh feet of clay makes them feel stupid and superior.

  41. 41
    Anthony Look says:

    Hell, Paris Hilton spent more time in Jail than that traitor and coward Libby.

  42. 42

    Best I can come up with:

  43. 43
    demimondian says:

    Michael D. is kicking me in the beliefs — which hurts every bit as much as getting kicked in the briefs.

  44. 44

    Well, that didn’t work worth a damn. Let’s try this.

    This is the best I can do:

    http://upload.wikimedia.org/wi.....es.svg.png

    http://www.michaelekbundit.com.....l_eyes.jpg

  45. 45
    Andy K says:

    I think Hank Aaron’s record should remain intact.

    I’m sure ya meant Babe Ruth, right? Are ya slippin’ outta character?

  46. 46

    Can we put an asterisk next to #43 in the history books?

    Shouldn’t that be a comma?

    Predictions

    Bonds will be “made an example” as a sacrificial goat to the war on some drugs which now apparently includes steroids and receive a serious sentence unless he’s gets a lawyer that can delay the trial for more than two and a half years in which case he’s likely to get a suspended sentence and extended probation. I hope his lawyer is smart enough to use the Libby defense. The president did clearly say it was a crime that didn’t deserve a prison sentence.

    JC shall henceforth be referred to within certain winger circles as “Kick in the Junk” Cole.

    “Hypothetical” will forever have new meaning as a descriptive modifier.

    I will never hit big on the lottery but will continue to buy three tickets a week just for the fun of hypothesizing what I would do with the money.

  47. 47
    Psycheout says:

    Not really a baseball fan, Andy. Pro sports is boring. If I made a baseball blunder, I don’t really care. :-D

    And for the record, Lewis Libby was a hero. He exposed Joe “the liar” Wilson to the American public. He deserved a medal, not jail time.

    Apparently Spiderman didn’t read the tutorial on how to embed links. John should put a link to that in the sidebar. Or, if he can’t figure out how, add it to the blogroll.

  48. 48
    Psycheout says:

    JC shall henceforth be referred to within certain winger circles as “Kick in the Junk” Cole.

    Now that’s funny. I just may have to borrow that one.

  49. 49
    TenguPhule says:

    Lewis Libby was a hero. He exposed Joe “the liar” Wilson to the American public. He deserved a medal, not jail time.

    JFCNTZYM.

    I swear, Wingnuts would defend live baby eating if there’s an R involved.

    As if our Intelligence wasn’t threatened enough already.

  50. 50

    Somebody tell me of the last FEDERAl dogfighting case before Michael Vick? The federal prosecutors in Virginia worry about mistreatment of dogs while not worrying about that criminal outfit in Langley that kidnaps people, flies them out of country, has them tortured and sometimes these people are killed.

    The case was originally against BALCO, for illegally manufacturing and distributing steroids. It was busted, shut down and the owner has already been in and out of jail. It’s my understanding that Bonds, of all the players called to testify, was the one guy not promised immunity.

    Four years roll by. The statute of limitations is five. What new evidence is there against Bonds? Apparently nothing. The items seized, the drug cycle schedules, etc., were all seized at the beginning of the case. Bonds’ trainer isn’t talking. Why now? Maybe because the Vick case is over and the OJ case isn’t generating enough interest.

    If anyone here can remember back to baseball in the nineties, when a certain George W. Bush owned the Texas Rangers, their locker room was a regular shooting gallery. This miserable hypocrite is using the justice system to pull racial levers in white minds with these meaningless show trials. Meanwhile, real issues that demand real justice are ignored.

  51. 51
    Robin says:

    For non-Americans, what is, or where does, a/one’s junk reside?

  52. 52
    Alex says:

    If convicted, Barry Bonds will serve more time than Scooter Libby.

    I predict that, if convicted, Bush won’t say “he’s been punished enough” and commute his sentence.

    I also predict that Marty Peretz won’t whine and snivel about how unfair it is to prosecute Bonds.

  53. 53
    PeterJ says:

    Bush doesn’t care about black people.

  54. 54
    jcricket says:

    I swear, Wingnuts would defend live baby eating if there’s an R involved.

    Yeah, the derangement is off-the-charts these days (Wilson’s the liar?). The good thing is that it doesn’t seem contagious unless you’re already a hardcore Republican. That is, if you’re already totally infected with the disease, you can get a more viral strain causing you to lose all touch with reality.

    Witness just about every right-wing blog. Have they gotten less crazy in the past 8 years or more? Has the foaming gotten more rabid or less? People are out there checking out countertops and declaring Bush a “misunderstood genius”. This is just nuts.

    However, if you only had a mild case of Republicanism, your body can fight it off, then you are immune to further infection. Witness John Cole, for example.

  55. 55
    BIRDZILLA says:

    And look BARRY BONDS is from SAN FRASISCO one of the most liberal wacked out places on the face of america

  56. 56

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