I was doing my daily chores (reading Red State, Malkin, Hugh, etc.), when I came across something equal parts terrifying and intriguing:
From Old World sophistication to New World energy, South America is a balance of opposites. Life pulsates with remarkable diversity in South America – not only in its music, but in its widely contrasting landscapes, cultures and cuisines.
It is a land of stunning extremes – the world’s highest waterfall, longest mountain range, driest desert and largest rain forest. Stretching from the steaming Amazon basin to the bone-dry Atacama desert to the glacial peaks of the Andes, South America contains enough beauty and soul-searing diversity to quicken the pulse of the most experienced traveler.
Inclusions, Pricing & Details
* Per person fares begin at $6095 based on double occupancy.
12 Nights Aboard the All Suite – All Balcony Seven Seas Mariner
* $200 per suite Shipboard Credit
* Special Reduced Fare Economy Class Airfare Available
* Private Welcome Reception with Hugh & David
* Exclusive Seminars with Hugh and David
* Private Farewell Reception with Hugh and David
* Select Wine and Spirits & All Non- Alcoholic Beverages Anytime
* On Ship Gratuities Included
* New bookings only
* Certain restrictions apply
* Offer is capacity controlled, subject to availability
* Single Supplement applies
* Deposit of 10% due at time of booking.
* Final Payment is due by November 21, 2007.
* Rates do not include port charges of $323.00 per person, fuel surcharge may apply
* Remember you must book your cruise package through Sterling Travel, Inc. to attend the Hugh Hewitt exclusive events
We have to get someone on this ship, and I know who is perfect for this mission.
*** Update ***
Apparently, other cruises of comparable lengths cost only $3000. The other $3095 for this cruise must be the cost of stupid. Apparently Hugh is unaware we can get that for free when we read his website.
Photographic rendition of Cruising with Hugh, here.
DougJ
It really says “Cruise South America” with a picture of a boyish, clean-cut, well-turned out Hugh Hewitt flashing his best Ryan Seacrest smile?
DougJ
Is there anyone someone could photoshop Hugh into this picture for the movie “Cruising”?
Dennis-SGMM
Hewitt will be there as an antidote for those who dislike beauty and soul-searing diversity.
Dreggas
Forget that, just photoshop in Larry Craig (bathroom cruiser) and Mark Foley (Internet Cruiser) with special guest Ted Haggard (Gay prostitute cruiser) and then put that out as an advertisement.
Cruising South America, with experts On Cruising.
John Cole
The world’s dumbest man…
capelza
I hate to be guilty of “lookism” but is that really the best picture of hm?
If so..OMG. Doofus personified. he lloks like a SNL parody of…sumthin’.
Zifnab
Didn’t the NRO do this on a trip to Alaska? When John talks about rats fleeing a sinking ship, I didn’t think he ment conservatives were actively exiting the country.
Dennis-SGMM
For only $6095 you, too, can see Hugh Hewitt flash his man teats at Copacabana Beach!
ConservativelyLiberal
Be sure to pack everything except your brain. Oh, right, people who listen to HH don’t have a brain to begin with!
Also includes a private tour of Dumbya’s new property in South America. Cocaine not included.
DougJ
Can you blame them? After all, they think it’s going to be a Caliphate after the 2008 election.
Ryan S.
That couldn’t be a more “I want to murder you in your sleep” smile. Quick someone come up with a Halloween mask, I know what I want to be this year!
Bombadil
Hope he has better luck than Bill-O did.
Great post title, by the way. You’re on a serious roll here.
Jake
Youngest children in the “oldest profession”…
OxyCon
Why is a boatload of right wing extremists sailing for the land of “Socialist Commie Left Wing Pinko Che Guevara”?
Krista
Oh god, I can’t stop laughing…
(wipes tears from eyes)
John, I think we should all take a field trip. Time for YearlyBalloonJuice, and I know JUST the venue!
OxyCon
Dreggas Says:
Forget that, just photoshop in Larry Craig (bathroom cruiser) and Mark Foley (Internet Cruiser) with special guest Ted Haggard (Gay prostitute cruiser) and then put that out as an advertisement.
====================
I just got a visual of Larry Craig as “Captain Merrill Stubing”, Ted Haggard as “Dr. Adam Bricker” and Mark Foley as “Gopher Smith”.
The Other Steve
I just checked Holland America. I can take a 16-day cruise from florida to Peru for $3000/person.
Why would I want to pay twice the price and have to put up with Hugh Hewitt yammering on about how great Harriet Miers would be as chief justice?
grumpy realist
Ah, proving that a (dittohead) fool and his money are soon parted.
You could think of it this way: an extra $6K squandered on a cruise backslapping with Hewitt is $6K that isn’t going to be donated to the local RNC or Moral Majority chapter.
srv
6K… Hmm. I’ll throw in a $100 for you or DougJ to go.
Zifnab
To be fair, the $6095 is for double occupancy.
capelza
I can’t believe nobody has said it yet:
“Ship of Fools”
Perry Como
Do the staterooms come with wet suits?
Michael Demmons
Ahmmm, I’m a ghey, and I wouldn’t do anything with the words “Cruise” and “Hugh Hewitt” in it.
Of course, with all those social conservatives in one place, it’ll probably sound like Riverdance in the bathrooms.
Michael Demmons
which means people occupy the room, and each pays $6095.
If you get a room yourself, you have to pay $12,000
Bombadil
BWAHHH-HAAAAA-HAAAAAA!!!
bago
What, snag some viagra from rush and go balls out in brazil. What could possibly go wrong?
Dreggas
Sung to the tune of love boat:
Man Love, exciting and new
Come aboard, we’ll assfuck you
Man Love, Hugh’s sweetlips reward
Let them go down, go down on you!
Man Love boat soon will be making another run
Man love boat Haggard has meth for everyone
Set a course for lubrication
your mind on a young paiges ass
Man love won’t hurt anymore.
It’s an open stall inside the bathroom door
Man Love Boat! Man Love Boat!
John Cole
I think we have a front-runner for quote of the year.
The Other Steve
You win!
NickM
It’s the cruise for people who want to go whale watching and skeet shooting at the same time.
Hubris
Life pulsates with remarkable diversity in South America, much like the cellular activity in Hewitt’s breasts.
Bombadil
John, is it at all possible to put up a link to this line, and any others that may come along that are as worthy, so that at the end of 2007 we may vote for Balloon Juice Quote of the Year? Just a running list would do it.
That one is fucking brilliant.
Dreggas
I thought that was the show on the main stage up on the poop-shoot deck?
Seriously good one.
Heywood Jablomy
I’m seasick already.
Are the Islamofascists aware of this? There’d better be some serious ethnic profiling of Malkin and D’Souza before you get me aboard this target-rich enviornment.
By the way, we gotta give Condi her props for staring down that blood-handed woman t’other day. I mean she’s got noives of steel! I wonder how many times Cheney and Rummy have come at her like that. Practice makes perfect.
r€nato
I was thinking “Comment of the Year” as well as soon as I read that, glad I am not the only one who was thinking that!
Krista
Give the man the trophy, already.
Tsulagi
I got a ditto for that.
Heywood Jablomy
Do you think they’ll have “talk like a pirate day”? Or, more to the point, “talk like a parrot day.”
r€nato
I dunno, but it’s a sure bet they’ll have ‘Rear Admiral day’… every single night.
r€nato
(please note that I avoided the all-too-obvious ‘Butt Pirate Day’ joke)
Mike
Cruise ships have international crews, often including Indonesians and Malaysians. Hewitt must be planning to attack the Islamofascist conspiracy by undertipping.
Tsulagi
Nope, I’m thinking while half of them are doing Riverdance, the other half will dress up in police uniforms to arrest the bad, nasty, naughty boys.
r€nato
Fixed their typos.
Bombadil
Perhaps Greenwald’s nemesis, Dread Pundit Bluto will go along.
UnkyT
Holy shit, Hugh Hewitt is Stuart Smiley!
Heywood Jablomy
Whee – I like Balloon Juice!
(Hey … that’s what Hugh Hewitt said.)
r€nato
Hugh Hewitt looks like one of those overalls-wearing dipshits which Stephen King sometimes plays in film adaptations of his books, with a dye job.
Bombadil
This has been quite the entertaining thread. Looks like John should be thanking whoever set him up with the Town Hall account instead of berating him/her/them. Comedy gold.
Jake
Michael Demmons wins, my computer monitor loses.
OMG, my co-workers think I’m completely insane.
gypsy howell
I came for the snark, but I stayed for…. the snark.
I know I’m going to laugh my ass off next time I see Riverdance while I’m flipping through the teevee channels.
A trophy and a sparkling tiara for Michael Demmons please, John.
Delia
So, um, does the boat just reach the end of the line in Paraguay and everyone disembarks and goes looking for a bolt hole?
r€nato
sadly, no…
Dreggas
I solved that one early on by just acting insane, then I went back to reading blogs because I knew the result would be laughter.
Dreggas
You know john….maybe you should retitle this:
“Where Dope and Soap Float”
or something along those lines?
Tom Hilton
The stupid only costs about $795. The other $2300 is what you have to pay for Hugh Hewitt to keep his shirt on at the pool.
Perry Como
Wait until you see the Wet T-Shirts Against Islamofascism Contest.
Bombadil
Thanks, Perry. Now I have to go soak my eyes in bleach.
Bruce Moomaw
“All Balcony”? Isn’t that a misprint for “All Baloney”?
Dreggas
well it could have been phyllis schlafey…
TomMil
Does this make the Cruise Ship a frontline in the War on Terror like the Empire State Building, only floating?
Man, how do follow that Michael Demmons line?
Zuzu
So, who is this “David” who gets to share Hugh’s seminar and reception duties?
Jake
Soap on a rope floats?
I feel sorry for the crew and non-participating passengers. “Who are these people and why do they keep offering me $20 to give me a blow job!?”
Bombadil
Jebus, now I have to go soak my brain in bleach!
ConservativelyLiberal
They should rechristen the ship for the trip. I vote for the SS Bloviating Asshat.
“… a three hour tour…”
Great, a ship full of Thurston Howell the Thirds…
Riverdance? I laughed so hard I thought I was going to barf! Hands down, quote of the year. No competition at all.
Tom Hilton
No way am I clicking that link. I suspect I’ve already seen it at Tbogg, although I’m trying very hard to repress that memory.
Dreggas
I bet he can really do a great rendition of “The plane boss, The Plane!”
Libby Spencer
The stupid is provided gratis thanks to a generous grant from The Weekly Standard and donations from LGF readers.
The other $3095 is to cover the cost of the Depends that will be issued prior to Hugh’s talks on Islamofascism and the daily wide stance lessons scheduled daily at 2:00pm in the Grand Ballroom.
DougJ
He really does. That’s a good call.
Dreggas
I think that’s what the extra money is for, to pay for actors to pretend to be other passengers who know what is going on and like Hugh….
Cain
We all know that’s not the hole they are looking for. If they see a hole they’ll feed around it like pirahna on a goat.
cain
Peter Johnson
Nice to see that this place has turned into a sewer of homophobia.
UnkyT
Petraeus?
John Cole
I was thinking something along the lines of O Brother Where Art Thou, but same thing.
Jeff Emanuel? Is that you?
calipygian
Cruise South America with Hugh Hewitt? What, the East Village isn’t close enough for him?
libarbarian
SERIOUS DANGER!!!
DO NOT BOARD THIS BOAT!!!
So many feet tapping on bathroom floors could easily set up resonance vibrations capable of rocking the boat until it capsizes.
Seriously though, hasn’t the last few years totally changed the necessary implications of a large number of Republican males gathering for an extended period of floating isolation?
************************************************************
“Are you a married, socially conservative, and firmly-heterosexual Republican with a wide stance? Don’t risk the horrible embarrassment of getting Craiged in a public police! Instead, be smart. Get away from all the family, friends, police, & press and enjoy 2 weeks isolated on a floating paradise with real men just like you. During the voyage we will also be stopping a several South American cities where you can enjoy the pristine beaches, impressive natural wildlife, and endless hordes of impoverished, but gorgeous, youths desperate for American currency!
And remember….
What happens on Hugh Hewitt’s boat stays on Hugh Hewitt’s boat!“
************************************************************
Jake
95 bucks goes a long way out on the briny waves. I feel like John should compensate us for posting HH’s grinning phiz without a warning.
Am I the only one who hears “I’m super! Thanks for asking!” when they look at the picture?
DougJ
You’re behind the times. The East Village isn’t gay at all anymore. Unless gay New Yorkers have taken to wearing baseball caps backwards, downing shots of Patron and screaming “woo, fuck that”, and doing the white man’s overbite while they rock out to U2.
It ain’t what it used to be. I’ll tell you that.
Tax Analyst
Yeah, with all due respect to the many hilarious quotes I’ve read here that’s certainly right up there at the top. I tried to think of something more clever, but I’m afraid I’m all tapped out.
Good stuff, Demmons.
ConservativelyLiberal
ROFLMAO!
This cruise ought to put a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘Be right back, I am on my way to the head.’
Spartacvs
$100, appears to be the premium for being entertained by Hewitt.
You can book the same trip on the cruise company’s website, with no mention of Hugh.
12 nights, leaving Manaus Feb 21 for Ft. Lauderdale on the Seven Seas Mariner for $5,995. Presumably one must make one’s own way to Manaus to begin the trip which may add a couple of bucks to the total, say $1500 – 2,000.
Comment of the year.
libarbarian
I just want you to know that I’m totally stealing this. :)
Clutch414
Just give this person the damn trophy already!!!
Clutch414
BTW…I’m a longtime lurker and a new poster. I’m so glad that you’ve finally come around to reality John. Bravo.
Tim
It’s quite possible that the funniest lines could have come from a gay individual. I have yet to see sexual preference trump a good sense of humor.
UnkyT
Maybe this cruise is really the floating set of a new Mel Brooks movie.
Punchy
A little OT, but did you guys know this?
I admit I’m an idiot, but how is a blog both left-wing (which LGF is certainly not) and neoconservative? Is it now a slam to call what is actually a very right-wing blog, in effect, pro-Bush?
Does Teh Stupid ever end?
Jake
Typo?
ConservativelyLiberal
Punchy, I like this quote from the link.
So if you discuss what needs to be done to defeat Islam, you are a right wing blog? But if you don’t allow discussion of it, then you are ‘leftist’?
LGF, ‘milquetoast’? It is ‘more for Moderate Republicans’?
My head hurts. And I thought I was on good drugs.
Michael Demmons
The “apparently” funniest line came from me. I am openly gay, not concerned in the least about a joke here and there, especially since it was not a homophobic statement.
Besides, I doubt anyone here is afraid (i.e., phobic) of homosexuals.
Oooooh, I am also a Canadian, which I guess means I’m g,eh?
(Pardon the blatant Canadianophobia.)
Tim
Michael, it wasn’t “apparently” funny it was DAMN funny !
Jake
T-shirt!
Grumpy Code Monkey
Goddammit, don’t you have an “off” button? I’m about to pass out here…
rawshark
I used to be but they don’t hit on me anymore so I’m good now.
Anne Laurie
What, no jokes yet about “Harry & David’s Fruitcake of the Month Club”? Either you guys are slipping, or I’m just ooooold. But then, so will Hugh’s cruisemates be, and I’m sure many of them are lifelong supporters of the original H&D’s tasty produce and far-right political campaigns.
Coul that really be David Horowitz joining the Unsinkable Hughie Halfwit on a boat leaving U.S. coastal waters? And, if so, is there any way we can change the rules to keep them from coming back again?
(Assuming, of course, that they’re not just using this as a chance to bolt for the Bush/Cheney compound in Paraguay without getting picked up by the War Crimes Tribunal… )
Dreggas
Much Better
Jake
Heh.
bago
and usually on the walls of the bathroom stall, eh? hosers.
Perry Como
Hey Merle, I think we might have ourselves a self-hatin’ homersexual here.
Dreggas
Dude, wow…just wow.
Cinderella Ferret
Nope. Just another randy Johnson hanging out, trolling for some manly fun.
ConservativelyLiberal
Oh boy John, you have really done it now! We have a resident gay (or g’eh) guy, and a Canadian to boot (or is that ‘boout’). You can expect to be denounced (except by Jeff Emanuel!) any minute as a left wing rag.
Michael, welcome to the nuthouse! ;)
Dreggas
Heh and improved…though the thought of O’Reilly being the size of that city is undescribably horrible…much like Cthulu himself.
chopper
not anymore. jesus, now i can’t get that out of my head. calgon, take me away!
nightjar
No phobias here. Think of it as an all inclusive multi-cultural sewer.
Dreggas
Personally I have no phobia’s and am not part of any “ist” group. I hate everyone equally.
ConservativelyLiberal
Yup. I am fair minded, I despise everyone equally. Including myself.
Zuzu
“David” mystery solved:
http://www.sterlingtravelinc.com/cruises_009.shtml
Ewww. Just ewwww.
The Other Andrew
Personally, I’d love to see a social sci-fi “Lord of the Flies”-like story about this cruise getting stranded on an island. Hardcore conservatives putting their beliefs about society to a practical test! I picture lots of guns, lots of tribalism, not much order, not much in the way of any long-term solutions to deal with the problem…
…oh, right, we already have Iraq.
Heywood Jablomy
At least we’re a sewer!
That g’eh line is GREAT. Canadians are funny bastards.
Can you make something out of poop deck shuttlecock?
ConservativelyLiberal
I need my mind washed after that one.
Great name! Now we just need Neil Downe and Ben Dover…
Michael Demmons
Nah, I’ve always been here, and link to John quite frequently from my own blog.
Just go to my site and search on “Balloon”… wait, no, that won’t narrown anything down.
Try “Jui…”
Nah, forget that one, too.
Take my word for it?
Perry Como
Bookmarked.
Krista
I have not been so proud to be Canadian since we won the Olympic gold in hockey. Welcome, Michael!
OxyCon
UnkyT Says:
Holy shit, Hugh Hewitt is Stuart Smiley!
=========================
To me he always looks like the kid from “Christmas Story” all grown up.
http://www.questexperiences.com/quest2/images/Christmas%20story.jpg
jake
Fuck you.
Dreggas
And Fuck you you fucking fuck. Fuck 1000% Fuck you until your asshole is great big Donkey Asshole!
Randy Paul
Please god, let it include a favela tour.
CruzBustamove
I’m good enuff…I’m smart enuff…and, doggonit, people want to cruise with me!
jake
From the itinerary:
Gonna be a lot of disappointed cruisers out there.
Maybe.
Oh well, there’s always the Specially Modified Wet Suit contest.
Dreggas
I heard Rush was skipping this one because there were no stops in Trinidad/Tobago
jake
[Clears throat]
You’re the meanest,
you suck the horses penis,
You’re the meanest,
you’re the horses ass!
Every since you found it,
all you do is pound it,
You’re the meanest,
you’re the horses ass!
Dreggas
Cock sucking mother fucking two balled bitch
UnkyT
Will the real Hugh Hewitt please stand up.
http://www.shiftf12.com/hugh/
Also, I don’t know why, but I always think Stuart Smiley when it is really Stuart Smalley. I’ll blame it on a decade and a half of drinking too much.
jake
So there.
r€nato
no. This has been…
seriously… I would like to propose an alternative theory for why Right Blogistan is such an endless source of stupid.
You see, they realize now that they have made themselves the endless butts of jokes, by everybody from Jon Stewart to even John Cole, all of whom sound like comic geniuses when riffing on the ample material given them by the likes of Jeff Goldstein and Hugh Hewitt.
So, in order to prevent all future mocking and satirizing of the Right, they are deliberately engaging in rhetoric so asinine and hard-to-believe that it is simply impossible to satirize.
I mean, really… after all is it possible to tell the difference between a true wingnut and a spoof any longer? I rest my case.
Dan Broughton
I think Glenn Greenwald would be the perfect companion. He cruises all the time, and he spends a lot of his time in Brazil already. Maybe he could confuse the poor boy with links and logic and such, thus overloading the old Hewitt-Packard, forcing him to blow a circuit, and Hughie boy could careen into the sea.
bjacques
Sorry, can’t make it.
I’ll be aboard the Sadly, No Zeppelin (filled with 100% non-flammable Balloon Juice, natch) Round the World Cruise, with stops in London, Amsterdam, Paris, Rome, Moscow, Tokyo, Port Watson and Rio!
Capacity is limited to 300 passengers. The first 30 bookings include a complimentary bottle of Absinthe!
Dan Someone
Um… “Hugh & David”? Whenever I read that, I immediately think of David Sedaris and his long-time boyfriend, Hugh.
What exactly is this cruise all about?