Hackers– worst movie ever?
They even managed to give Jolie a haircut so bad she looked like an alien. It went downhill from there.
Discuss.
by John Cole| 90 Comments
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Hackers– worst movie ever?
They even managed to give Jolie a haircut so bad she looked like an alien. It went downhill from there.
Discuss.
Comments are closed.
borehole
Dude, she rocked that pixie cut. I think that’s my favorite look she ever sported.
“Like an alien.” Bring on the probing, I say.
OniHanzo
I’m with borehole. Hottest looking Vulcan ever put to film.
Zifnab
You shut your face. You shut your god damn face.
Back in 6th grade, that was easily the coolest movie evar!
The Other Steve
That’s a tough one. As a geek movie, it was pretty bad. I actually also disliked Johnny Mnemonic. One of the worst ones was AntiTrust, which had a terrible story, but since it had Tim Robbins, Racheal Leigh Cook and Claire Forlani it was tolerable. Sneakers was probably the best in this genre and has yet to be outdone.
Actually the last Die Hard, and Swordfish were pretty fun as well. They were more action, then computer intrigue, but… still not bad.
This week on my list of movies I have to see that I missed and I’ve been told were really good… American History X starring Ed Norton, and Alpha Dog. I assumed Alpha Dog was a stupid flick, but friends have told me it’s not what you’d expect from a Justin Timberlake.
The Other Steve
God, I’m old. When I was in 6th grade I was watching Empire Strikes Back.
You weren’t even born yet. :-)
The Other Steve
The best worst movies ever came out in the 1980s.
Nikki
Sneakers–a fantastic movie made ridiculous by the most deplorable ending ever imagined in the history of imagination.
OniHanzo
Disregard the absurd Lawnmower Man VR wankery and see it for the majesty it holds. Up to and including Fisher Stevens NOT playing an Indian.
I’m mean, c’mon…. can you seriously deny the hawt here?
Back when she had simple bee-stung lips and not a full-out facial allergy.
Bombadil
Hell, when I was in 6th grade, I was watching “Help!”, “How to Stuff a Wild Bikini” (with the ever-sexy Annette Funicello) and “The Tomb of Ligeia” (with the never-scary Vincent Price).
And I had to walk 5 miles through the snow to get to the movie theater. Uphill.
wasabi gasp
Kill Bill
Sucked so bad it required a six month intermission between gobs of suckage.
Bombadil
Seriously. Who wouldn’t jump that?
canuckistani
Come on, it wasn’t worse than The Net.
And Sneakers was cool enough to make up for the stupid bits. Excellent nerd movie.
PaulW
The problem is the movies can’t make entertaining hacker movies: there’s just only so many shots of keyboards and blue screens of death they can make.
Hackers itself was trying to promote the hacker community as a valid social order. But to make it entertaining they had to do some pretty stupid things. I give the movie props for quoting the Hacker Manifesto, and for giving Fisher Stevens a paycheck, but past that…
PaulW
Besides, worst movie ever was The Last Emperor. When an Oscar-winning epic bores the sh-t out of my parents, trust me, it SUCKS!
Bombadil
I love “Sneakers”!
OniHanzo
Was it Hackers that started that quintessential “computer LEET!” phrase:
“I’m in”
Or was it as far back as War Games?
Dreggas
Hackers did what Hollywood is known for doing horribly,
It took part of the underground sub-culture and tried to make it pop culture. Now granted Angelina Jolie looked hot, Mathew Lillard did remind me of some of my hacker friends and for the most part there was some nifty stuff in the movie…most of which wasn’t even real.
Of course it is nostalgic now given how jazzed they got in the movie over a 28.8 modem (or was it 14.4?) compared to what we have now.
My opinion, it was mildly entertaining but definitely not something I would point to as reflecting the sub-culture. Oh, the soundtracks (all 3) were extremely good though. And yes I mean 3 because there were 2 more released with music “inspired by” the movie. Oddly enough the second 2 were better than the original.
norbizness
At least Fisher Stevens wasn’t playing an Indian.
Other imdb news: the complete twin peaks TV boxed set is coming out today, and Winona Ryder is 36.
wasabi gasp
{yanking the award of perpetual reek from Tarantino.}
I forgot about the sucktacular Blair Witch Project.
Breschau
In terms of boring-ass Oscar winners, I will see your “Last Emperor”, and raise you one “Unforgiven”.
r€nato
you may want to close your eyes during the curb-stomping scene.
Trust me on this one. A very very very good flick, otherwise.
Zifnab
Mario Says UR GAY
r€nato
worst movie ever? Boy that’s a hard one. I can’t really name a winner, but here are a few suggestions for finalists (I’m only listing films I’ve actually seen):
Waterworld – in the genre of sucky Costner flicks, perhaps the most suckworthy
Highlander 2 – as suckworthy as the original Highlander was awesome
The Terminal – terminally sappy. I had myself tested for diabetes after watching (and walking out on) this sickly sweet waste of celluloid. Spielberg at his most bathetic. Rendered even more obnoxious by the shameless in-your-face product placement and brand promotion.
Battlefield Earth – not sure if this turkey even has value for sheer camp.
Blair Witch Project – like the Iraq war, plenty of people fell for the hype and won’t admit to it today.
TenguPhule
I will call and raise with “Double Dragon”.
TenguPhule
Yes, I realize it wasn’t an OscaR winner, but in terms of suckage it spanks both the others until they run home crying.
Zifnab
That hardly counts. It was barely even a real movie. You might as well go all in with “Mario Brothers”
John Cole
I never saw Blair Witch. I can’t stand horror movies. They make me nervous and fidgety, make my feet sweat, and then I have bad dreams. I bet I have not watched a horror movie or a slasher movie in 20+ years.
I guess I am alone in that I did not hate Waterworld as much as everyone else. It wasn’t good, but I didn’t see what made it SOOOO bad. Other than the cost to make it.
I will tell you a recent movie I walked out of, though: The Pink Panther with Steve Martin. I am a huge Sellers fan, loved all the old Pink Panthers, and thought I would give it a shot.
I was out of the theatre in 20 minutes. I was with my friend Tammy, and it was the first time in her life she had ever left a theater mid-showing.
Tim F.
Yes.
But hey, AJ Strata has Ghost Rider proudly displayed on his bookshelf so maybe you can commiserate with him and the Battlefield Earth fan club.
Punchy
I’ll call that raise and move all in with The English Patient. Trust me–you wanna fold, cuz ya just cant beat me.
Fixed for all the single guys.
Jake
Anything with Keanu Reeves, post BTEA.
Instant blackhole strength suckage.
Kevin
I’ll de-lurk for this debate. Worst movie ever, “Farewell My Concubine”. My wife talked me into watching it and I went along with it because I figured it had concubines in it, it was about a turbulent period in Chinese history and it won a ton of awards. Thus it couldn’t be that bad. I was tragically, tragically wrong.
r€nato
likewise John, re: Sellers and Pink Panther. I was going to give the flick a shot – how could they have gone so wrong with Steve Martin? – but when I heard how awful it was, I decided to avoid it. The Pink Panther series were the first films I fell in love with as a kid… when I was older, I discovered the rest of Sellers’ oeuvre, like The Mouse That Roared, Dr. Strangelove and the 2nd of the Pink Panther films, A Shot in the Dark (I had somehow missed it until later on, when I was 13 or so).
r€nato
I must admit that getting to watch Jeanne Tripplehorn was probably the only thing that made me sit through Waterworld.
I guess I react so strongly to Costner because he consistently wastes his considerable talent (IMVHO).
Bombadil
I would agree, with the sole exception of “The Matrix” (just the first one, though). The story and the special effects were strong enough to override most of the KR suckiness.
And in the “anything with…” vein, anything with C. Thomas Howell is guaranteed to be a dog. No exceptions.
Zifnab
Yeah, just admit it. You got her all hot and bothered, and had to amscray or pick up a citation for lewd and lascivious conduct.
Sour Kraut
I second(or third or fourth) Johnny Mnemonic. Keanu’s big ‘acting’ scene where he gives his speech is one of the most cringe-inducing moments in the history of cinema.
I walked out of True Romance. The only time I’ve ever done so.
And I can’t believe no one’s mentioned it yet, but–Batman & Robin. At least Batman Forever was entertaining in a ‘can-you-believe-they-greenlighted-this-sh*t’ sort of way, but B&R was a joke. Does Joel Scumacher even have a career anymore? If not–good.
Jake
Fine! Make me be completely honest why dont’ya? The SFX got me into the theatre despite KR and kept me from doing major eye rolls at his “acting” and the underlying philosphy. Also Lawrence Fishburne = Class.
I especially liked the part where Neo lost his mouth.
I’m glad I saw it when it first came out because the Wachowski’s techniques have become so common and cliche that I refuse to watch any movie that I suspect might feature super slo-mo bullets/air-born round house kicks etc.
LarryB
Hackers has stiff competition. Way back when I was a sprout, the “cheap theater” ran double features for half a buck (and, yes, I am that old). We never missed one on the theory that you couldn’t lose for that price. We were so wrong!
r€nato
True Romance was an awful flick? Huh… maybe not everyone’s cup of tea but I can think of an awful lot ‘worst flicks’ than that. Besides, what about that awesome scene with Dennis Hopper and Christopher Walken?
Jeff Fecke
Eyes Wide Shut is God-awful. Seriously, epically awful. Kubrick died of embarassment.
But the worst movie ever was A Stranger Among Us. Melanie Griffith stars as a tough, NYC cop who goes undercover in an Orthodox Jewish community to…well, it doesn’t even really matter, does it? With that set-up, it can’t help but fail.
You’re telling me that someone let him make more movies? I though he’d been executed for crimes against humanity after Soul Man.
capelza
I confess that I like Kevin Costner films. In fact love many of them.
The long drawn out stories and the lone man/redemption thing he goes for. Waterworld, Dances With Wolves, Wyatt Earp, The Postman, Message in A Bottle, Butterfly…there’s a definite pattern.
That and monumentally cheesy scifi films are my HoHo’s and crispy Cheetos.
mcsey
Anti-Trust, while a horrible movie, is actually a pretty good geek movie. The interfaces used are mostly real, the commands/code typed/shown could possibly work, or at least have a resemblance to stuff that would work. Plus, the Microsoft clone in the movie is pure evil.
See, it’s realistic;)
mcsey
BTW canuckistani for the win… I don’t know if The Net is the worst movie ever, but it’s certainly the worst geek movie ever. Redonkulous story, impossible technology, stupid plot devices, random unbelievable coincidences, wooden acting… The Net had it all.
Fred
*Now* Hacker’s is rather bad. But back then it had RISC processor talk AND Jolie’s boobs, what’s not to love?
Tony J
Oh, c’mon. It absolutely has to be Highlander 2. No other movie I can think of has gone to such extraordinary lengths to deliberately wreck everything good about a concept. It was like the entire production team had been stripped, put in double-wetsuits, gang-banged and forcibly signed up for membership in the Young Republicans by a fan of the previous movie, and then had spent a decade working out this incredibly cruel plan to really get back at him.
Oh, and Blade 2, for similar reasons.
Tony J
The (original) Hitcher is a pretty good movie. Every time I see it I can’t really believe that the nice girl from the diner is going to get her arms and legs… well, y’know.
And True Romance? One of my faves.
Bombadil
So very true. But the original Highlander deserves it’s place on someone’s list, if only for being a movie that takes place in Scotland, and casts the quintessential Scot, Sean Connery, as someone named Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez.
jcricket
Yes, Highlander 2 is just about the worst sequel one could have imagined. Although Highlander: The Source (direct-to-video or TV or whatever) was even worse. I can watch a lot of drek, but I couldn’t make it through that.
But Cyborg 2 plays a close second. Take a horrible JCVD movie and make it even worse, even with Angelina Jolie and Jack Palance on board.
I also hereby nominate “Small Wonder” as the worst TV show ever made.
Bombadil
Nope. Sorry. C. Thomas Howell => Dog.
jcricket
To clarify, JCVD = Jean Claude Van-Damme. And Cyborg 2 is far worse than Hackers.
Bombadil
May I assume you’re too young to remember “My Mother, the Car”?
Kathleen
there are so many movies that are worse than Hackers. and they lack its “we’re so cutting edge, look on that future of identity theft and FEAR” kitsch.
jcricket
Maybe Fisher Stevens and C Thomas Howell should get together with the Wayans Brothers for some sort of cross-racial parody film.
jcricket
OK, that was pretty bad, but has kitsch value. But Small Wonder. C’mon. The 80s sweaters, the robot who cries (seriously), the bad special effects. Even Edie McClure couldn’t save it.
Dreggas
Alright here’s my personal list of worst movies:
Dungeons And Dragons – The major hollywood picture was the shittiest thing to ever happen to that brand. Again see my comments on Hackers
Traffic – Not only did I want to vomit due to the skewed coloring but you almost needed a program to figure out what was going on. My gf at the time fell asleep and even I occasionally dozed in the theater
The Omega Code – I admit to going to a theater to see this with the full intent of mocking it, it deserves it. If I had heard the character depicting the antichrist utter mispronounce evolution as “evilution” one more time I would have screamed
Those are my top 3.
Now onto defending others.
Waterworld – The dialog was shit but the movie had a good premise.
The Blair Witch Project – I admit that I was suckered by the hype and watched the “documentary” on Sci-fi. In all honesty that was perhaps the coolest means of getting this movie as hyped as it was. It was brilliant, sorry but it was. Now the fact they made a sequel which was worse is even funnier.
capelza
As can be dscerned by my admitting I like Costner films, I am pretty forgiving when it comes to movies, but I have to agree here.
That entire film was a WTF pretty much from beginning to end. I’ll try to watch it again if it shows back up on SciFi channel, but I am not hopeful.
jcricket
I feel like Adrian Paul’s whole “woe is me” attitude pretty much summed up the entire film and me for watching it. It wasn’t even entertaining or mildly distracting.
Tony J
Let’s not short-change the genius behind the casting for that film. That’s a Scot playing an Egyptian with a Spanish name – with a broad Scots accent, and a Frenchman playing a Scot who is supposed to have adopted an American accent – with a French accent.
That’s some good choices right there.
RodeoBob
Worst movie ever? That’s a tall order there…
Dungeons And Dragons gets special mention not only for being a sucking hole of empty suckingness, but also for being the follow-up role for Thora Birch after the exquisite American Beauty. It’s like she saw Angelena Jolie’s choice of Tomb Raider as a follow-up to Girl, Interrupted and though “gee, that seems like a good career choice”.
What amazes me most is that no one has mentioned the most gawdawful film in recent memory, following in the proud footsteps of the above films:
Catwoman
Seriously, I don’t know where to start with this one. Halle Berry in leather looking absurd and not at all sexy? (when her CGI body-double managed a better ‘sexy walk’ than she did, I knew the film was in trouble) Terrible lines delivered with a Shakespearean-seriousness rather than a self-aware camp? Continuity errors and plot holes so big that in the end, not even the director or screenwriters cared? A plot involving evil makeup?
Catwoman was so bad that even if you wanted to watch it to make fun of it, it’s so relentlessly, tirelessly stupid, you just get overwhelmed. It’s the Terminator of dumb: it can’t be bargained with, it doesn’t feel pity or mercy, and it simply will not stop until you are battered into submission by it’s awfulness. Someone asked me what a good set of ‘drinking rules’ would be for the film. My answer was “You have to take a drink… everytime you want one.” I felt bad when I found out later that three people had to be rushed to the E.R. for alcohol poisoning.
This movie sucked so hard that it makes any movie you see afterwards look better. I saw Blade: Trinity a week after Catwoman and thought “Sure, it was a 90-minute iPod commercial featuring the huge douchebag that is Ryan Renolds. Yeah, Parker Posey’s voice is as much fun as a high heel to the crotch, and the fact that Wesley Snipes wears a long-sleeved shirt throughout the film means he didn’t even bother to train, but you know what? It wasn’t that bad…“
Vlad
The worst movie I’ve ever seen was unquestionably “Speed 2”. I took a trip to Russia, and they showed it to us twice on the way over… and then twice more on the way back.
Agonizing.
Jake
I always found it mildly creepy. They could re-air it using Electric Barbarella as the theme song and it would make sense in a thoroughly nasty sort of way.
Speaking of plug-in children, A.I. needs to go on the WME list. I may have liked the first quarter of the movie but I can’t remember because by the time that interminable Spielbergian wank-fest was over, I was ready to hurt someone.
Shade Tail
I **loved** Hackers. It was so amazingly stupid, it was good. Besides, I had the feeling that it was all being done tongue-in-cheek. I mean, the techno-idiots who don’t understand anything about computers seriously believe that hackers and hacking really are like that. I watched the entire movie feeling like the producers were winking at me and laughing their guts out at the morons who honestly believe hackers work that way.
Dreggas
You weren’t the only one.
babyinthecorner
I think I saw the worst movie ever made a couple of weeks ago. It’s called “Children of the Living Dead.” Here’s a sample…
http://youtube.com/watch?v=VwyIeqoYEkc
Alan
Ah Hackers…when geek finally gets girl.
Heaven Knows
borehole
Ah, the Blair Witch haters, they come out in force every Halloween.
I balk at busting this quote out because it’s totally self-serving and ignores the whole enjoyment-of-art-being-subjective thing, but screw it: “The Blair Witch Project was an imagination test. If you weren’t scared, you failed.”
(no idea who I’m citing, but I’m pretty sure it’s verbatim)
I love how the studio hired America’s preeminent documentary filmmaker to helm the sequel, and then made a straight-up teensploitation slasher. It was like the miss-the-pointolympics.
bago
And you wonder why Jackson left you on the cutting room floor.
Jake
[Dons flame retardant suit]
And how could I have forgotten Phantom Menace, AKA Batman & Robin in Another Galaxy Far, Far Away?
Man, that was painful.
Dreggas
Oh adding to the list:
The Mummy (all of them starring Brendan Frazer).
If you’re going to make a remake of a horror classic, at least have the decency to NOT make it a comedy…
Tax Analyst
OOH…that was a real stinker-oo, wasn’t it? And it lasted two or three seasons unless my memory fails me.
Tax Analyst
Well, I was curious, so I went to Wikipedia:
My Mother the Car was an American television situation comedy which aired for a single season on NBC between September 14, 1965 and September 6, 1966. Thirty episodes were produced in all.
Critics and adult viewers generally panned the show, often savagely. In 2002, TV Guide proclaimed it to be the second-worst of all time, just behind The Jerry Springer Show.
I really can’t think of anything to add.
grumpy realist
I don’t watch many movies, so here are my nominations for Ghastly Movies:
1. Whatever movie it was (Armageddon?) when an asteroid is supposed to hit the Earth and they send Bruce Willis and his bunch of dimwit workers up to the asteroid to (get this) blow it in half using a nuke. Cringe, cringe, cringe. The only good shot in the entire movie was a double Shuttle night launch.
2. 95% of the movies that have been inflicted on me during airplane flights. (I think the only worthwhile ones I ever saw were the Wallace and Gromit movie and The Corpse Bride. International on US airlines is Not Good.)
3. The Black Hole by Walt Disney. This managed to blow it multiple ways, both from having the physics all wrong, second by being heavily overlying a whole bunch of Christian symbolism–which they then proceded to get wrong.
The Other Steve
grumpy realist – You’re dissing on Armageddon!?
How dare you! That is an AMERICAN CLASSIC!
Ok, granted, just for the comedy value and the one-liners.
But how dare you! Hating Armageddon is like embracing Al Qaeda.
r€nato
grumpy, thanks (for nothing) for reminding me of The Black Hole. OMG… I think that was one of the last films Disney made before they made their comeback from being one of the worst purveyors of Hollywood dreck.
I was going to disagree with your assessment of films on international flights, but then I saw that you specified, “US airlines”. I usually fly British Airways or Lufthansa when I go abroad, and their film selections are often pretty good. I actually saw Pan’s Labyrinth on a transatlantic flight. Plus, if you fly a foreign carrier chances are pretty good you’ll get to see a decent foreign (to you, Amerikaner) flick you might not have otherwise watched.
The Other Steve
Ok, people nominating highlander 2 as worst movie, obviously never saw Highlander 3. :-)
jcricket
No, Highlander 3 wasn’t worse than 2.
Anyone who thinks that #3 is worse than the following needs to be water-boarded:
2 more days to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween. 2 more days to Halloween… Silver Shamrock!
myiq2xu
Worst ever? With a character named “Cereal Killer?” No way, Jose.
Dreggas
jcricket,
Was that the Halloween that had absolutely nothing to do with Michael Meyers?
On a side note, the Rob Zombie Halloween kicked ass.
Jon Karak
For those of you hating on the Blair Witch project, you forgot the apex of crappiness: Blair Witch 2.
And try watching Remember the Titans twice on a greyhound bus, featuring this most memorable exchange:
Sheryl Yoast: Coach Boone, you did a good job up here. You ran a tough camp from what I can see.
Coach Boone: Well I’m very happy to have the approval of a 5 year old.
Sheryl Yoast: I’m 9 and a half, thank you very much.
Coach Boone: Why don’t you get this little girl, some pretty dolls or something coach?
Coach Yoast: I’ve tried. She loves football.
myiq2xu
Worst Movie Ever – Jeepers Creepers
This clunker stunk so bad I was cheering for the monster to kill everyone so there wouldn’t be a sequel (alas, there was.)
Low point – 2 kids (sister & brother, so sexiest part is sis peeing in a field) are traveling cross-country when one tells the other “I think I saw someone shoving bodies into a hole, let’s go back and see.”
Jake
It could have been worse (barely). For some reason I kept expecting them to break into a song and dance routine.
The only reason I enjoyed watching the first one is because the audience quickly went from restless to disgusted to shouting comments a la RHPS. I found it hilarious, but not in the way the producers intended.
jcricket
Si. Halloween 3. About an evil corporations’ plans to zombify everyone or turn children’s brains into worms and stuff by selling them costumes and making them watch satanic TV.
Little known fact this is also the mission statement at Fox News.
Off Colfax
While I would love to nominate Mother Goose Rock & Rhyme for the worst movie of all time, I just can’t. I really can’t.
Because this is still worse.
I call.
TenguPhule
Oh that’s a low blow. I *like* Mario Brothers. How can you not like a movie with the line, “Look out! He’s got a Babomb!”
You have forced me to resort to the Geneva Violator Movie Bombs:
Masters of the Universe!
Street Fighter!
Demolition Man!
Encino Man…and every other Pauly Shore movie!
YellowJournalism
Obviously, you people have never seen “Satan’s Cheerleaders”.
Don’t you be dissin’ Vicki, or else I’ll have to sick Harriet on you!
Besides, nothing beats “Homeboys in Outer Space” as worst TV show ever. Except maybe “Dawson’s Creek”…
Oh, and whoever said “The English Patient” sucks must have also read the book. (Seriously, reading the book after seeing the movie makes you irate at what they did to the original story.) I don’t mind all the stuff that isn’t the Ralph Fiennes romance crap, and I think Ralph Fiennes is kinda sexy.
babyinthecorner
Jeepers Creepers was directed by a convicted child molester, so I’m glad he kept his idea of sexiness to a minimum.
Off Colfax
I have another nomination.
Space Truckers
delaney
The best in bad is R.O.T.O.R., hands down. Classically bad dialogue, said in all seriousness, like the protagonist telling his boss: “If you fire me, I’ll make more noise than two skeletons making love in a tin coffin, brother.” Replete with horrible dubbing, even. More info at Wikipedia—for the masochists, that is.
Bob Munck
In ’66 I discovered that OS/360 (PCP) had three unused Task Control Blocks. So I patched in some code (using the SetTimer backdoor) that seized the 1052 console, typed “I want a cookie” and looped until the operator typed in “cookie.” Thus, Hackers was my sole brush with Show Business.
Joshua
Hackers was definitely the worst movie I had ever seen up to that point, it was just pure insulting garbage, but I have seen many, many far inferior movies since. Jack Frost, the one where Michael Keaton turns into a snowman after death, is my pick. No surprise though it seems to have latched onto the mainstream and is frequently replayed every December.