My Nominee To Replace Gonzales

Is Miss Teen South Carolina:

*** Update ***

Great minds, or something.

*** Update #2 ***

Let me just say that although I am making fun of this girl’s gibberish, I do feel really bad for her. It was an exceedingly stupid question- if I were asked I would shrug my shoulders and say “I don’t know.” Maybe and exceedingly stupid answer was the only appropriate response.






53 replies
  1. 1
    Zifnab says:

    Wait… was that even a sentence?

  2. 2
    Mr Furious says:

    Holy Shit. I actually went into that clip expecting an affirmative…

    Missed that stupidity tag…

  3. 3
    LITBMueller says:

    I can’t believe they’re throwing Chertoff’s name around. First, he’s actually a fantastic prosecutor, and not a comple numbskull. Second, he’s got an amazing memory (I once watched him testify in NJ), so he won’t be able to use the “I don’t recall” excuse.

  4. 4
    blondie says:

    maybe the more appropriate question should have been, “Can YOU find the US on a map??”

    oh dear.

  5. 5
    Andrew says:

    Well, she does seem more qualified.

  6. 6
    Mike W says:

    I nominate Steely McBeam – mainly because I don’t want to see him traipsing around Heinz Field (or any other NFL stadiums for that matter).

  7. 7
    Davebo says:

    She can suck a golf ball through a garden hose.

    Nuff said.

  8. 8
    myiq2xu says:

    She can’t cook either, but who gives a shit?

  9. 9

    It’s obviously going to be Hariett Miers. Sheesh.

  10. 10
    Punchy says:

    John, can you get Bra and Panties Publishing to actually replace the Apple IIe they’re currently using to run your site? It’s got more problems than a bulimic at a buffet without bathrooms.

  11. 11
    Tulkinghorn says:

    That was just painful to watch. That kid has been poorly served by her family and her community.

  12. 12
    over_educated says:

    Check out WP growing some stones:

    http://blog.washingtonpost.com.....id=topnews

  13. 13
    John Cole says:

    It is hosting matters, and the problem is that WordPress has not been updated since, oh, 2005.

  14. 14
    aliceandbob says:

    Are you kidding? Why should she settle for AG? With brains and speaking skills like that, she’s a shoo-in for Prezdent.

  15. 15
    demimondian says:

    Well, of course, John, there are other hosting providers. For instance, Google provides free hosting of your own domain.

  16. 16
    TenguPhule says:

    Now who will Bush find that is even worse then Gonzo as his new meatshield?

    Remember the Rule of the Bush Admin: We will replace the bad with the worse and the worse with people who will give you nightmares for years to come.

  17. 17
    jenniebee says:

    From her bio:

    Caitlin values her faith, family and friends. She is actively involved in her school, as well as in the community. Her interest and talents include: sports, graphic design, professional modeling and community service. First of all, Caitlin is an athlete and is active in club and varsity soccer. She has been starting player for the high school varsity soccer team the past four years. During the summer of 2007, Caitlin traveled with her elite soccer team to Germany. While there, her team placed second in a tournament involving several European countries. One of Caitlin’s life goals is to follow a healthy lifestyle, and to always remain physically active. Secondly, Caitlin is a talented artist with a focus in the area of graphic design. She has received “Star Student” awards in both Photoshop and Advertising Design. She holds a student government office as President of Skills USA. Her career goals include earning a four-year Graphic Design degree. Ultimately Caitlin aspires to create special effects for television and movies. In addition to sports and art, Caitlin has been successful as a professional model with advertisement appearances in national magazines including: Seventeen, Cosmo Girl and American Cheerleader. She has modeled for Wrangler, Soffe and Nautica. One of her dreams is to make it into the European modeling market which would offer her “once in a lifetime” experiences.

    I’d say that it’s more likely to be four or five times a night experiences, for starters. Expect it to taper off after she gets more involved in that Photoshop career though.

  18. 18
    whippoorwill says:

    At least she didn’t wish for world peace.

  19. 19
    tballou says:

    Enough with this exercise in shooting fish in a barrel. Anyone put in her position (i.e., standing on stage with thousands watching, spotlights, the pressure, etc) can totally screw things up.

  20. 20
    Bubblegum Tate says:

    She forgot about Poland.

  21. 21
    Jake says:

    Thanks a lot John, you totally killed my BeGoneZo buzz and gave me a splitting headache.

    Heartless jerk.

  22. 22
    Xenos says:

    John, just wait until next week, when she will be in one of your classes. Joke will be on you, then.

  23. 23

    Hariett Miers is much prettier than this girl. Sheesh.

  24. 24
    myiq2xu says:

    Rahm Emmmanuel on Gonzo:

    “Alberto Gonzales is the first Attorney General who thought the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth were three different things.”

    :lol:

  25. 25
    Stooleo says:

    For those of you who do not speak gibber-ese, here is a link with sub-titles

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v.....ture=bz100

    Now I understand its about, you know, the children….sigh

  26. 26
    Punchy says:

    Can anyone give me the 5-second skinny of this chick’s utterances? Some of us have a streaming vid firewall with blocks all this shiznizzle.

    Did she stammer? Did she profess love to G-Dub? Did her boob pop out? What’s the dilleo?

  27. 27
    ThymeZone says:

    The girl is an articulate spokesman for half of this country. I think it is rude to make fun of her.

  28. 28
    Wilfred says:

    She says: U.S. Americans and later, something like diarrheah with a K at the end. I never thought of that – how many puns waiting to run out of a bad case of diarrhaq.
    The girl is positively spoofalicious!

  29. 29
    ThymeZone says:

    Can anyone give me the 5-second skinny of this chick’s utterances

    It will take a few days to parse out the existence of any subject-verb constructs in her speech, so far I haven’t found any.

  30. 30
    Andrew says:

    After reviewing the video for a second time, I think she may well be a dangerous and powerful evil genius. It was like a combination of the Bene Gesserit Voice, speaking in tongues and full on sorostitute retard talk.

    It also reminds me a bit of the brilliant scene in Spartan where Val Kilmer is breaking into a safehouse and a bad guy just walks into the room and Kilmer just starts talking sort of nonsensically about the TV being on and it confuses the hell out of the guy and then Val shoots him.

    You see, Miss South Carolina was just trying to confuse the enemy, Miss New Jersey, before she attacked using her ninja tiara.

  31. 31
    Zifnab says:

    It will take a few days to parse out the existence of any subject-verb constructs in her speech, so far I haven’t found any.

    I’d just like to round up every “Immigrants Need to Speak English!!!1!” wingnut in the US, force them to watch that video, and remind the good people that she still managed to place 4th in the competition.

    There are people who never step a foot north of the Rio Grande that could verbally run laps around that girl. Of course, she’s “Miss South Carolina”, so I can’t say I’m totally floored.

  32. 32
    myiq2xu says:

    Just stare at her boobs and don’t pay any attention to what she says. If she talks too much put something in her mouth.

    She needs to marry a rocket scientist so her kids will be half-wits.

  33. 33
    aliceandbob says:

    The internet has brave souls who transcribed this.

    Q:“Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”

    Miss South Carolina: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, um, some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uh, our education over here in the US should help the US, uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

  34. 34
    MBL says:

    Wait, what’s the problem, then? That seems like a perfect answer to me.

  35. 35
    chopper says:

    Wait, what’s the problem, then? That seems like a perfect answer to me.

    sounds like the president.

  36. 36
    grumpy realist says:

    Heck, as someone who has had the experience of acting as translator for a Japanese minister in China when he all of a sudden started ad-libbing (with no warning to me) in dialect, the only thing I can say is:

    Get this babe to Toastmasters, pronto.

    (Of course, I’m one of those snarkolicious babes who would have answered that question:”because most Americans are idiots.”)

  37. 37
    JoeTx says:

    I’ll bet she already has a scholarship to Liberty University. She probably has a poster of Monica Goodling on her bedroom wall, right above her headboard!

  38. 38
    Tony Alva says:

    Her reoccurring use of “such as” is a result of a dialog coach training her out of rampant use of the word “like”. They instruct kids to substitute “such as” for “like”. She must not have had this coaching trick for very long.

    What are this kids parents thinking?! They bare a ton of the blame for her stupidity.

  39. 39
    Andrew says:

    Her reoccurring use of “such as” is a result of a dialog coach training her out of rampant use of the word “like”. They instruct kids to substitute “such as” for “like”. She must not have had this coaching trick for very long.

    Do they use an electro-shock collar for this conditioning process?

  40. 40
    myiq2xu says:

    Do they use an electro-shock collar for this conditioning process?

    They hit her in the back of the throat with the meat prod.

  41. 41
    Punchy says:

    They hit her in the back of the throat with the meat prod

    Uh….hmmmmmm…..does this mean what I think it does?

    I believe that our, I, education like such as uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as,

    That training coach better have earned himself the pink slip for this one. If his job was to rid her of the “like”s, AND make her sound intelligent…well…uh…not so much.

  42. 42
    DonkeyKong says:

    Well………….at least she was’nt chewing gum during her answer, such as.

  43. 43
    DougJ says:

    Give her a break, she got nervous.

    Thought it does bother me that she’s been given a column at the Washington Post and a position at the Council on Foreign Relations.

  44. 44
    Punchy says:

    A congressional source familiar with deliberations about Gonzales’ replacement told CNN that the successor will not be Chertoff and that senior administration officials are “playing you guys,” referring to the media.

    Ok, so it wont be the Chertoff feller. Now I’m worried. I bet they go all John Yoo on our ass. His confirmation hearings would be called YooTube.

  45. 45
    myiq2xu says:

    That training coach better have earned himself the pink slip for this one. If his job was to rid her of the “like”s, AND make her sound intelligent…well…uh…not so much.

    The deficiency with the meat prod method is that the teacher has an obvious conflict of interest.

  46. 46
    myiq2xu says:

    I discovered that if you turn the volume all the way down before playing the clip her performance improves dramatically.

    I hope she won.

  47. 47
    Alec says:

    She admirably stands up for blondes everywhere. I think a translation of her remarks reads as follows: “I am blonde and babelicious. Nuff said.”

    By the way, according to news stories, she graduated from her high school with a 3.5 grade point average. She also claims that she misunderstood the question and lost her train of thought. Hell, she lost the entire train station.

    But she will get a second chance to answer the question on the Today Show tomorrow.

  48. 48
    nabalzbbfr says:

    It’s very easy to diagnose the problem. This is due to the socialist nature of our education system. The government (at any level) has no business being involved in education. The only right way is to provide tax credits to support privatization of all educational functions.

  49. 49
    myiq2xu says:

    Nabobo Anonymoose, quit criticizing girls just cuz none of them will give you any.

    Well, maybe if one dies and leaves it to you in her will.

  50. 50

    I’ll bet she already has a scholarship to Liberty University. She probably has a poster of Monica Goodling on her bedroom wall, right above her headboard!

    You’re off the fuckin’ chain!

  51. 51

    […] Note: Found here, where John Cole suggests a new employment track for Miss South Carolina. […]

  52. 52
    Helena Montana says:

    Bless her little heart. I’m afraid there’s no hope for that one.

  53. 53
    Paul L. says:

    Helena Montana Says:

    Bless her little heart. I’m afraid there’s no hope for that one.

    I’m betting she will get Communications or Woman’s Studies degree.
    That say she is no dumber than anyone who posts at Pandagon
    such as Amanda Marcotte.

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