I know you all mean well, but I am going to take after the next person who emails me the “Marine Night before Christmas.” The first 42 copies were adequate.
Seriously.
*** Update ***
I guess you guys don’t know what I am talking about. Here is one version of it. I checked my mail today and had about 8 copies/versions of thi.
t. jasper parnell
Mr. Cole,
I should have thought that one version would have been sufficient to call forth your flinty heart’s ire.
jg
?
rilkefan
Could you put up a link?
Also, what’s your email address?
Oh, and happy holidays.
Duncan
John, maybe a little history lesson would improve your spirits…
A Brief History Lesson Concerning Beer and Other Matters (author unknown)
History began some 40,000 years ago.
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
BEER and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and,
together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can was invented
yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how
villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as “the Conservative movement.”
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing
the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into> women. The rest became known as girlymen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives
provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imp orted beer (with lime added) & foo foo coffee,
but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard
Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule
because it wasn’t “fair” to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally
anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own
companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals
remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. Later they
crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying
to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history. It should be noted that a
Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead
of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.
demimondian
Dear Mistur Cole:
You may be surprized to here from me. I am the widow of the brother of the unclde of the second son of the recently decesaed dictruler of …
jg
If this a ‘Ted Rall’ type thing then I don’t want to see it.
Anderson
Your post reminded me of the version of “The 12 Days of Christmas” that my dad brought home from Vietnam. I googled up a similar version:
However, my dad’s had “3 body bags” and “5 dead Marines,” which the Marine version I’ve reproduced understandably replaces. Try singing it & you’ll see that “5 … mor-tar … rounds” really doesn’t cut it.
(Dad was 101st Airborne, and doubtless they & the Marines exchanged friendly preferences as to which service branch ought to incur higher casualties.)
Paddy O'Shea
I forget who sang this, but it was very popular in my circle at the time:
“When I got back
from Lo’an Tra Bang
I didn’t have a thing
where my balls used to hang
But I got a fancy medal
and a fine harangue
and now I’m a fucking
he-ee-ro.”
Paddy O'Shea
Damn! I found it! It was Dave Van Ronk who wrote it, bless his soul.
Luang Prabang
When I got back from Luang Prabang
I didn’t have a thing where my balls used to hang
But I got a wooden medal and a fine harangue
Now I’m a fucking hero
Mourn your dead land of the free
you want to be a hero follow me
Mourn your dead land of the free
you want to be a hero follow me
In Luang Prabang there is a spot
where the corpses of your brothers rot
and every corpse is a patriot
Every corpse is a he-ee-ro
Mourn your dead land of the free
(etc.)
They just don’t write ’em like that anymore.
Ekim
Somebody should point out that marines aren’t soldiers. They’re marines.
aop
Somebody should point out that that poem sucks.
jaime
Cole, being a college football fan, you might like this story. Congress is looking into…the BCS.
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?id=2245440
Sheesh.
The Disenfranchised Voter
Hahahahhaah.
Yes, yes it does.
rilkefan
I’d explain why that’s verse and not poetry but I don’t want to annoy ppGaz.
demimondian
I know, I know…it’s not poetry, because it’s something much verse?
aop
Ha!
Gray
Sry, I really don’t know how to say that in english, aber das ist wirklich das kitschigste Rührstück in Form eines Kettenbriefs das mir jemals untergekommen ist. Zum Kotzen.
I would go ballistic if I would find that in my mailbox. Every sender would be deleted from my addressbook.
Krista
Let me guess, your early lessons in humour were gleaned from Statler & Waldorf?
demimondian
You mean they were trying to be funny?
Krista
Aren’t we all?
TallDave
What a great poem, thanks for sharing.
rilkefan
Gray:
Approximately:
That’s really the crappiest agitprop in the form of a chain letter I’ve ever run across. Gag me with a spoon.
samrise
rilkefan:
means:
It may well be “crapp[y] agitprop”, too, but that’s not what Gray wrote.
Steve S
It’s wonderful logic, really…
The Marines were at Iwo Gima, protecting our freedoms.
therefore you should support the Iraq war even though it has nothing to do with freedom.
Right.
zzyzx
Also remember that there is no difference between disagreeing with the choice to go to war and hating all of the troops who are fighting it. The number one goal of a democracy, apparently, is to make sure that the military never has be exposed to anything that might hurt morale.
rilkefan
samrise – sorry, poetic license. “Lame-o tearjerker” or whatever doesn’t really suit this blog’s tone. And Gray, don’t ever say “Gag me with a spoon” – stick with “Disgusting” or “Revolting” or “Sickening” or (much more familiarly) “Barf”.
Kimmitt
Man, there’s nothing like a really schlocky poem about an important subject to make someone feel weird.
Bruce from Missouri
God, this lame frickin’ crap just makes a certain element of conservatives cream themselves, doesn’t it. I get forwarded that kind of treacly crap all the time by the semi-retarded wingnut salesman where I work.
I’m not normally for eugenics, but I will make an exception for people who forward that type of crap.
carpeicthus
That’s not eugenics; it’s justifiable homicide.