And Then You Have This

My favorite group of anti-heroes are up to their usual hijinks:

Is My Child Becoming Homosexual?

Before puberty, children aren’t normally heterosexual or homosexual. They’re definitely gender conscious. But young children are not sexual beings yet — unless something sexual in nature has interrupted their developmental phases.

Still, it’s not uncommon for children to experience gender confusion during the elementary school years. Dr. Joseph Nicolosi reports, “In one study of 60 effeminate boys ages 4 to 11, 98 percent of them engaged in cross-dressing, and 83 percent said they wished they had been born a girl.”

Evidences of gender confusion or doubt in boys ages 5 to 11 may include:

1. A strong feeling that they are “different” from other boys.

2. A tendency to cry easily, be less athletic, and dislike the roughhousing that other boys enjoy.

3. A persistent preference to play female roles in make-believe play.

This is my personal favorite:

5. A susceptibility to be bullied by other boys, who may tease them unmercifully and call them “queer,” “fag” and “gay.”

Your son might be gay if other little boys tease him. The guide also has some warning signs for later on in adolescense:

Evidence of gender confusion in boys age 12-20 may include:

1.) A preference for show tunes, foot rubs, and slow nights watching Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.

2.) Ownership of quiche cookbooks.

3.) An appreciation of art.

4.) Good table and phone manners.

5.) Ownership of a ‘gay’ automobile.

Ok. I may have made those up. At any rate, Sadly, No! has the details, and notes that you better pay attention to these signs and act quick “before he buys his first Cher album.”






57 replies
  1. 1
    SoCalJustice says:

    6. A tendency to walk, talk, dress and even “think” effeminately.

    Does this font make my ass look fat?

  2. 2
    SoCalJustice says:

    I may have just inadvertently offended Amanda Marcotte.

    Whoops.

  3. 3
    norbizness says:

    For some reason, this reminds me of a Mr. Show sketch:

    “No gay son of mine is not going to be gay! Now you’d better get gay or I’ll make you gay!”

  4. 4

    […] Hat tip to John Cole, who’s published his own list of symptoms parents might find in slightly older children. trackback address: http://smegmaster.com/2005/08/.....trackback/ Previous: Why does Microsoft produce such balls-stuck-in-the-anus software? […]

  5. 5
    KC says:

    By far the most insightful post this week so far, John. To think, it’s only Monday.

  6. 6
    Bogus Bogusity says:

    Everyone should be prevented from buying Cher albums, regardless of their sexual orientation. Really.

  7. 7
    Tuck says:

    Hey, where’s the warning signs for lesbians? Why isn’t Dobson and his sheep worried about young girls? Is it because they should be in the house playing with dolls and not power tools?

  8. 8
    BinkyBoy says:

    Because even Dobby likes lesbians.

  9. 9
    Another Jeff says:

    Is it a bad sign that my six year old nephew already asked me where is the closest Abercrombie and Fitch?

  10. 10
    BinkyBoy says:

    3. Recognize that most homosexuals “were not explicitly [so] when they were children. More often, they displayed a ‘nonmasculinity’ that set them painfully apart from other boys: unathletic — somewhat passive, unaggressive and uninterested in rough-and-tumble play. A number of them had traits that could be considered gifts: bright, precocious, social and relational, and artistically talented.” Tip: Discern whether your boy struggles with feelings of “not belonging.” If he does, seek help.

    In short, if your boy isn’t out there beating up on smaller children, if they get good grades and they like to try to get along with everyone, well sheeee-iiitt, must be gay!

  11. 11
    John Cole says:

    Abercrombie, not a problem. Bath and Body, problem.

  12. 12
    Luddite says:

    “Does this font make my ass look fat”?

    LOL. SoCal, you get my vote for “Post of the Day”.

  13. 13
    Luddite says:

    John forgot one more thing:

    Regarding gay cars, if your teen age son chooses a Mazda Miata he is not only gay, he is a bottom.

  14. 14
    Eric says:

    Is it just me, or do all of the warning signs pertain to boys who might be gay? What about girls who might be lesbians? Are they not important enough to deserve attention from these psychos? Or are lesbians accepted? (They sure are in my world.) Maybe it’s just impossible to tell who the budding lesbians are.

  15. 15
    Demdude says:

    Is it just me, or do all of the warning signs pertain to boys who might be gay? What about girls who might be lesbians? Are they not important enough to deserve attention from these psychos? Or are lesbians accepted? (They sure are in my world.) Maybe it’s just impossible to tell who the budding lesbians are.

    When straight guys get going about Lesbians, it always makes me laugh.

    My brothers always tell me that STR8 guy’s greatest fantasy is getting on with two girls (at least). They will never discourage girls getting together because they think they will be invited to join them (please look to the dictionary for the definition of a lesbian).

    You can tell lesbians in the younger days by the K.D.Lang posters in their rooms, they are kicking your ass on the golf course, basketball court,soccer field, etc., ownership of flannel and magazines of their dream car, a Jeep Wrangler.

  16. 16
    Demdude says:

    Ooops. I forgot, my brother informs me there is way to tell if an older women is a lesbian.

    Any girl rejecting his romatic advances is clearly a lesbian.

  17. 17
    Jimmy Jazz says:

    Two more warning signs you might be gay:

    1) You’re the chairman of the Republican Party.
    2) You’re the head of American Values.

  18. 18
    rose says:

    If I recall correctly girls were to be supervised when going to the bathroom to prevent any possibility of non hetero behavior. I don’t think sponge dob is worried about girls because they can be forcibly impregnated, that being our only purpose after all.

  19. 19
    Sarah says:

    Back to the Lesbian Question…I think it should be more thoroughly addressed.

    As a lesbian, I realize that one of the largest problems in the gay community is the low recruitment numbers. So, if we can start grooming them earlier…it could be really beneficial to the “Gay Agenda.”

    Also, I would agree that if your daughter is collecting tools, kicking your ass on the golf course and lusting after Jeep Wranglers and Renegades, you’ve got a prime candidate.

    Or perhaps, if your daughter is beating up children on the playground, you might want to be a bit concerned.

    The flannel is only for lesbians in the 80’s and early 90’s and middle-aged mullet lesbians. So, if your daughter wears flannel – she’s just not fashion savvy.

  20. 20
    anomaly says:

    Hey, Focus on Fucked Up Families, those “your son might be a flaming homo if he…” signals are a lot like the things I remember about myself when growing up.

    So how come I’m not gay?

  21. 21
    Ben says:

    Another sign you might be gay: you actually take the time to write a pamphlet called “Is my son becoming gay.” They love this anti-gay stuff. It gets them hot. So hot, that they’re probably surfing the internet for some gay porn. Absolutely bizarre this article.

  22. 22
    Agnok says:

    Do these tips still apply in adulthood? I’m not gay, but lately i have begun to think that maybe i’m missing something cool. Do i have to be beaten up by bigger kids than me? I mean, it’s not like an initiation rite, or anything like that?
    (I hate pain, and dirty fingernails)

  23. 23
    Fritz Rathmann says:

    “A susceptibility to be bullied …” Oh, yeah, I forgot. It’s the kid’s fault he’s being bullied. He just draws bullies to him like the grill of my car draws bugs.

  24. 24
  25. 25
    SeesThroughIt says:

    Everyone should be prevented from buying Cher albums, regardless of their sexual orientation. Really.

    I totally agree. Buying Cher albums has nothing to do with sexual orientation and everything to do with having horrible, horrible taste in music. To me, the latter is incredibly more offensive than any permutation of the former.

  26. 26
    Jacob says:

    Demdude: “My brothers always tell me that STR8 guy’s greatest fantasy is getting on with two girls (at least). They will never discourage girls getting together because they think they will be invited to join them (please look to the dictionary for the definition of a lesbian).”

    Never underestimate men’s delusions about sex.

    As for Dobson, the funny thing is I was pretty effimite as child and still am somewhat. It cracks me up because I had to have a friend sit me down and explain to me how gay men have sex (he told a joke and I was simply confused). I knew what gay men were, I just never thought about it (lesbians I had figured out long before).

    Of course the stereotypical jock (which is pretty common) who enjoys getting hot and sweating with a bunch of guys* (if they’re basketball players this includes backing their ass into another guy front), taking mass showers, slapping asses, and dominating other guys through physical and emotional abuse (which if the animal kingdom says anything, dominance is the one of the first step towards sex) are considered examples of stairtness.

    *I enjoy football, but since I had already stated I had (as Dobson and his cronies would say) “homosexual tendecies” I felt nothing wrong with pointing out the “gayness” inherit in sports.

  27. 27
    TalkieToaster says:

    What is a “slow night”.

    Don’t you have the feeling that Dobson is one big gay freudian slip.

  28. 28
    Brawlin' Dem says:

    There needs to be a gay comedian who can do this list and do it sort of like Jeff Foxworthy does “You Might be a Redneck…”

  29. 29
  30. 30
    SEV says:

    Reminds me of the SNL commercial for homocil – medication for parents uncomfortable with their gay children. The tag line was “because it’s your problem, not theirs.”

    did anybody say creme brulee?

  31. 31
    Showoffman says:

    Great comments from everyone … BUT you’ve overlooked the obvious clue that your adolescent son is guaranteed to be gay:

    squatting to pee

  32. 32
    joshowitz says:

    Everyone thinks I am gay; even my wife thought I was gay when I first met her (I was playing Dungeons & Dragons with a bunch of boys and one flannel-wearing girl [it was the 90s]). The problem is, I’m just a nerd, which is latin for “appearing gay without the fashion sense and an inability to dance.”

    When I went to my high school reunion recently, our class president — the studliest visage of masculine virileness — told me he was living with his partner in Rhode Island.

    Would he be a stealth gay? If so, could we harness his genes to make a race of Super Stealth Gays that would one day infiltrate FotF and change them from the inside?

  33. 33
    Demesne Lord says:

    This would be funny if straight people weren’t out there murdering their own children because they might be gay.

  34. 34
    Ygor says:

    We’ve had the heartbreak of knowing that, inside, my son feels like a woman. Fortunately, the woman he feels like is a butch lesbian who likes feminine girls, contact sports, motorcycles and tattoos. Guess we lucked out.

  35. 35

    […] Wingnutter James Dobson is at it again. […]

  36. 36
    WeAreThePeople says:

    Like the shirt says:

    Gay marriage should be illegal. Unless BOTH girls are hot.

    :)

    Like in “Heathers”:

    “i love my dead gay son!”

    ROTFL. These people are idiots. You can no more tell if your 4 year old is gay than you can tell if your 4 year old is going to be a brain surgeon. Hell, I can’t even tell if my 4 year old is going to eat all of her dinner until it happens…

  37. 37
    Recruitment Director says:

    Dobson must be recalling episodes from his (apparently hated) childhood. How we homosexual recruiters ever missed him is a mystery.

    10 percent is not enough – recruit! recruit! recruit!

  38. 38
    Ann Vilivavol says:

    It is all very simple — Gays or born that way for both humans and animals. Religious wackos do not accept gays because religious books say it is a sin and they are forcing religion to everyone under the sun. Some gays knew that they were gays as young as age three. Being is not a choice. With the way gays are treated, discriminated, hated and abused (sometimes murdered), who would prefer to be gay if it is a choice? Gays cannot become straights just as straights cannot become gays. One is either born gay or straigt, accept it. For homosexuality still being argued and discussed at this time proves that humans have not matured sexually and mentally.

  39. 39
    Mark says:

    1. If you are predisposed to fine art you might be gay.
    2. If you are predisposed to entertainment you might be artless and gay.
    3. If your mom likes flowers or floral print clothing you might be gay.
    4. If your dad likes flowers and floral print clothing he is gay and you might be.
    5. If you have an uncle who still listens to his old Air Supply cassette tapes you might be gay.
    6. If you are three years old and cry everytime you hear Rick Santorum’s voice you might very well be gay.
    7. If you have an aunt or mom that still throws pajama parties with her sorority sisters you might be gay.
    8. If your parents own a pink poodle the dog might be gay and you might be a sociopath.
    9. If your family doesn’t support Bush you’re all gay.
    10. If you’re a little girl and your mother breast fed you might be a lesbian.
    11. If you’re a little boy and your father breast fed you you are doomed to be gay.
    12. If you love Cher you might be gay or just deaf.
    13. If you love Cher and hate Hank Williams Jr. you might be gay.
    14. If you hate Cher and love Hank Williams Jr. you might be bisexual.
    15. If your dad and mom no longer have sex they’re either too old, too lazy, or too busy, and your mom might be a lesbian.
    16. If your mom is against the war and you dad is for it you might be bisexual.
    17. If your mom is for the war but your dads against it you might be a lesbian or an effeminate gay.
    18. If your mom is for the war and your dad is for the war you might be a Republican.
    19. If your mom is against the war and so is your dad you might be a democrat.
    20. If you’re prone to cry at the sight of a dead Iraqi or US soldier you might be reflective and compassionate… therefore gay.

  40. 40
    edfromned says:

    I live about 100 miles north of this idiot and the Denver Post and the Rocky Mountain News gives this hate monger way to much press.

    One of my best friends is gay and LIVES in Colorado Springs. They really hate the guy but its a free country.

    Here the deal. I trade anybody, anywhere, Dobson, Tom Tancredo and Marilin Musgrave for any sane conservative. I would prefer a moderate but Iam not put to many restrictions on this as I really want to make a trade. I might even throw in Goveror Owens but I do understand he’s damaged goods

  41. 41
    Bill says:

    Here are a few tests:

    >You might be gay (and in denial) if you’ve ever uttered the phrase:

    -Hey, that Pet Shop Boys CD was only a gift. (May substitute any Erasure, Donna Summer, or the “Best” of Stevie Nicks.)

    >You might be gay if:

    -As a child you “borrowed” your mom’s “party” dress, long dark wig, grabbed her make-up and then found your older sister’s disco ball earrings. You got the Christmas lights (The full size ones.) placing them all around your mom’s full length mirror. After getting made up you recruited your baby sister to flick on and off (really quickly) a light switch that controlled a small table lamp which you had strategically placed off on the side of the mirror. (At just the perfect height to catch the disco ball earrings.) You then turned off all the lights except the Christmas ones, and cranked up your parent’s Hi-Fi to a tape of Donna Summer/Giorgio Moroder’s “I Feel Love.” to which you sung while gazing in to the full length mirror. As your baby sister flicked the light switch,
    you swirled your arms up and around and around….. I FEEL LOVEEEEEEEEEEE

    Holly crap I’m gay.

    -The same scenario as above but this time a blonde wig, a black flowing gown with lace, and a strategically placed hair dryer to whip your hair back.
    The Look: The Mystical Chanteuse Image. The Music: “Stand Back.” The Magic: The one and only Stevie Nicks.

    Signed,
    The Anonymous Head of The Republican National Committee.

    Nero fiddled. Bush bicycles.

  42. 42
    TlalocW says:

    Jacob Said:
    *I enjoy football, but since I had already stated I had (as Dobson and his cronies would say) “homosexual tendecies” I felt nothing wrong with pointing out the “gayness” inherit in sports.

    For some reason I picture Eric Idle’s peasant character from Monty Python’s The Holy Grail, running out onto a football field after a touchdown is scored and asses are patted and yelling, “Come see the gayness inherit in the system! Come see the gayness in herit in the system! Help! Help! I’m being exposed to homosexual tendencies!”

    TlalocW

  43. 43
    Bobette The Nihilst says:

    Oh honey I just don’t understand what all the fuss.is about. Just take the bitch out and shoot him.

    Oh and violets for the funeral. It’s just so closet-case, don’t you think?

  44. 44
    Jon H says:

    I think Davey, of Davey and Goliath, is clearly gay by these standards.

    Also, these guidelines have made it clear to me that Jesus was actually crucified because they thought he might be gay, what with him talking about peace and love and everything.

  45. 45
    Wilson says:

    As I was reading Dobson’s P.O.S. article, I noticed that the letter it started off with sounds completely fabricated. What 13 year old boy writes letters like that? Especially to someone like Dobson. I mean, SHIT! That aside, the article is completely boring and people are trying to look way to hard at what makes someone gay or lesbian. It just IS and you have to accept it.

  46. 46
    Chris says:

    Psychologist Robert Stoller said, “Masculinity is an achievement.” In other words, “growing up straight isn’t something that happens. It requires good parenting. It requires societal support. And it takes time.”

    Could this moron write a more unambiguous statement that HE IS A FAG?

  47. 47
    joe mahhma says:

    Logic Class – Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic. “What’s logic?” asked Bubba. The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?” “I sure do.” answered the redneck. “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard.” replied the professor. “That’s real good.” the redneck responded in awe. The professor continued: “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.” Impressed, the redneck shouted, “GAWL-LEEE!!” “And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself, logic dictates that you have a wife.” “Betty Mae! This is incredible!” (Bubba is obviously catching on.) “Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual, rather than homosexual” said the professor. “You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard of. I can’t wait to take this here logic class.” Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting. “So what classes are ya takin?” he asks. “Math, history, and logic,” replies Bubba. “What in tarnation is logic?” “Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?” “No.”… “You’re GAY, ain’t ya?”

  48. 48
    aaron says:

    i dont no if im gay but if i am people shouldint make funn of me or other gay or lesbian people becaues their jelis of them ok /.,’;][

  49. 49
    aaron says:

    people who make fun of you becaue your gay or lesbian probly are too or are jelis that their not so dont fill down call them straite asshole and see what lame shit they say and tell them to go to hell and fuck their self you dont want too here their shit p.s tell them too suck their dick …….///;;;;;;

  50. 50
    MIKE says:

    and aaron people probably arent making fun of you based on seual orientation, it is more than likely because you spell jealous “jelis”

    ;0) mucho love :)

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  7. […] Wingnutter James Dobson is at it again. […]

  8. […] Hat tip to John Cole, who’s published his own list of symptoms parents might find in slightly older children. trackback address: http://smegmaster.com/2005/08/.....trackback/ Previous: Why does Microsoft produce such balls-stuck-in-the-anus software? […]

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