Funny Experience, Part Two On

Funny Experience, Part Two

On Friday before the wedding, I had to head out to Adelphia Cable to pay my bill before they sent some mustachioed goon named Guido to break my legs and steal my internet connection. Adelphia is on the other side of town, which is only about 5 minutes on a normal day. On a day during the school year, it takes 40 minutes. My car air conditioner is on the blink, and it was hot as hell, so by the time I get there I am in a foul mood.

I then wait in line for 30 minutes to pay my bill (apparently all the deadbeats pay in person on Friday), and I am nearing a volatile explosion from impatience when a car pulls up and a woman comes rushing into the store.

The woman embodied every negative stereotype you have ever heard about West Virginians (as a West Virginian, I feel allowed to pick on us- if you can’t laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at). She is short and fat, about 5 feet tall and nearly as wide. She is wearing lavender stretch pants, the kind you only see at wall mart, and she has a huge gut that isn’t quite where her stomache should be but still above where her nether regions should be. She is wearing what was once a white ‘Tweetie” bird t-shirt, but now it is a yellowy/dirty beige. She has thick glasses, the kind that make your eyes look 3 times the real size, and they have the ear pieces that extend from the bottom of the lense (the kind that went out of style 20 years ago).

And. She stinks. Really bad. She has that musty odor that is a combination of 1 part not bathing, 1 part dumpster grunge (you know what I mean- that juicy bile that stays in the dumpster after they dump it, where it just sits and ferments), and 1 part 40 packs of cigarettes without a change of clothing. Essentially, she smells like a popular nightclub bathroom floor on Sunday morning.

She charges to the front of the line, which startled me and infuriated me at the same time. She then looked at the lady behind the counter, and blurted out, “I got’s the diarrhea, I’m gonna dirty my pants.”

You could hear everyone in the room breathe in, and at the same time, everyone took a step away from where the woman was standing. Also note that there is NO public bathroom, and the only doors are to leave or to go into the employee area behind the counter. The lady behind the counter looked like she had been shot, and before she could respond, the woman this time yelled out:

“I GOT’S THE DIARRHEA, I’M GONNA DIRTY MY PANTS.”

At this point, I lost complete control. I laughed so hard I almost shot stuff out my nose, and I had tears streaming down my face. Not only did the woman look the way she did, had announced to everyone she had ‘the diarrhea’ (like there is just one case of diarrhea that gets passed along- like fruitcake at Christmas), but now she was standing here threatening this women with a bowel movement.

The lady behind the counter was far more composed than I was, and said politely “I am sorry ma’am, we do not have a public bathroom.”

The woman did not take this well, and then shouted, “I gots the diarrhea, you don’t want me to dirty my pants,” after which she proceeded to try to open the employee door.

At this point, I couldn’t take it anymore, and I just looked at the saleslady and asked if we were on Spy TV or some spin-off of Candid Camera. She glanced at me nervously, when the woman yelled out again about her condition. At that point, people were getting noticeably unravelled, and I just looked at the woman behind the counter and said, “For the love of God would you please let that woman into your bathroom.”

And they did, thank God.








This is off-color, but the

This is off-color, but the funniest thing my strange ranger best friend has ever said. He was a member of the wedding party for the wedding I went to on Saturday, and he proceeded to drink (by all accounts) all the champagne in the limo and then every glass at his table. After getting sufficiently plowed, he went outside for a smoke. We were all standing there, a group of people our age, and off tot he left of us were several members of both families of the bride and groom. My friend, in a drunken stupor, then asks loudly for all to hear,

“Who likes blow jobs and speaks some French?”

We all look at him, stunned and frightened at what he might say next, and mortified that he has already said what he has.

He then belts out “Moi!”

I almost choked to death on a vodka tonic.








Link Love All of these

Link Love

All of these blogs are worth a look, and should now appear to the left in my permalinks:

The Sabertooth Journal

3 Bruces In Exile (this permalink is WAY overdue- sorry guys)

Cut on the Bias (which is merely overdue as a permalink)

The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler (which is uber-mega-way overdue- and by the way, would one of you cheap bastards by his banner? I would, but the last banner I paid for the person quit blogging so I am gunshy now).

The Weigh-In

Silflay Hraka

and Sasha Castel

That is all folks. But guess what? I start getting a real paycheck this Friday, so it should not be long until I have a nice new look and a new domain name. Ain’t that something?








Just got my tickets to

Just got my tickets to Puerto Rico in December. Take that, Global Cooling. Or thank goodness for global warming. Or something.








Also priceless in the Fukuyama

Also priceless in the Fukuyama speech is the litany of hypocricy on the part of the Eurocrats:

There are a number of areas where the Europeans have acted unilaterally in economic matters, and in ways that at times contravene the existing legal order. The EU resisted unfavourable decisions against them on bananas for nine years, and beef hormones for even longer. They have announced a precautionary principle with regard to genetically modified foods, which is very difficult to reconcile with the WTOs sanitary and phytosanitary rules. Indeed, the Europeans have been violating their own rules with regard to GM foods, with certain member states setting standards different from those of the community itself. The European Competition Commission under Mario Monti successfully blocked the merger of GE and Honeywell when the deal had been approved by American and Canadian regulators, in ways that promoted suspicions that the EU was simply acting to protect specific European interests. Finally, the EU has succeeded in exporting its data privacy rules to the United States through its safe harbour arrangements.








Europeans in Our Midst? Francis

Europeans in Our Midst?

Francis Fukuyama presented a speech that has been widely linked in the blogosphere. It was a balanced an interesting piece, but several parts stood out:

Robert Kagan, in a brilliant recent article in Policy Review, (3) put the current difference between the United States and Europe as follows. The Europeans are the ones who actually believe they are living at the end of history, that is, in a largely peaceful world that to an increasing degree can be governed by law, norms, and international agreements. In this world, power politics and classical realpolitik have become obsolete. Americans, by contrast, think they are still living in history, and need to use traditional power-political means to deal with threats from Iraq, al-Qaeda, and other malign forces. According to Kagan, the Europeans are half right: they have indeed created an end-of-history world for themselves within the European Union, where sovereignty has given way to supranational organisation. What they dont understand, however, is that the peace and safety of their European bubble is guaranteed ultimately by American military power. Absent that, they themselves would be dragged backwards into history.

And this part:

To put it rather schematically and over-simply, Americans tend not to see any source of democratic legitimacy higher than the constitutional democratic nation-state. To the extent that any international organisation has legitimacy, it is because duly constituted democratic majorities have handed that legitimacy up to them in a negotiated, contractual process. Such legitimacy can be withdrawn at any time by the contracting parties; international law and organisation have no existence independent of this type of voluntary agreement between sovereign nation-states.

Europeans, by contrast, tend to believe that democratic legitimacy flows from the will of an international community much larger than any individual nation-state. This international community is not embodied concretely in a single, global democratic constitutional order. Yet it hands down legitimacy to existing international institutions, which are seen as partially embodying it. Thus, peacekeeping forces in the former Yugoslavia are not merely ad hoc inter-governmental arrangements, but rather moral expressions of the will and norms of the larger international community.

Now I understand why I do not like most European attitudes. They are the same pie in the sky, head in the sand Democrat idealists we have to deal with every day here.








No more posting until Sunday,

No more posting until Sunday, most likely. I am off to another wedding.