Via the GOS, our authoritarian masters have a new idea for keeping us all safe while flying:
A senior government official with the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has expressed great interest in a so-called safety bracelet that would serve as a stun device, similar to that of a police Taser®. According to this promotional video found at the Lamperd Less Lethal website, the bracelet would be worn by all airline passengers.
This bracelet would:
• take the place of an airline boarding pass
• contain personal information about the traveler
• be able to monitor the whereabouts of each passenger and his/her luggage
• shock the wearer on command, completely immobilizing him/her for several minutes
The Electronic ID Bracelet, as it’s referred to as, would be worn by every traveler “until they disembark the flight at their destination.” Yes, you read that correctly. Every airline passenger would be tracked by a government-funded GPS, containing personal, private and confidential information, and that it would shock the customer worse than an electronic dog collar if he/she got out of line?
Hey- if you don’t have anything to hide, why not wear an eletroshock bracelet? Between the war on terror and the war on drugs, we are steadily creating a democratic paradise that would make the STASI green with envy.
This better get nipped in the bud quickly.
El Cid
And, hey, if it can KeepuSafe on airplanes, why not have everyone wear one all time time? They’re attractive, convenient, and if you don’t think it’s a good idea than you hate America, you hate our law enforcement authorities and want to deny them the tools they need to KeepuSafe, and you want the terrorists to win. This is America, by God. Oh, and God Bless the 2nd Amendment, Amen.
Jon H
OMG, a recent “10 worst patents” article that Jim Henley linked to had a variant of this. The patent had passengers wearing a drug-injecting device instead of an electric stun gun.
filmgeek83
If this happens I will never set foot in an airport again.
Seriously, that is some fucked up shit.
NewUnansweredQuestions
Craziest idea I ever heard of.
Punchy
Fixed, cuz there’s no other explanation.
Echo without Bunnies or Men
Oh fuck it, just stun me into drooling oblivion before I get on the damn plane. Then I don’t have to worry about in flight baby crying. When we arrive in Cleveland, have a lovely flight attendant shock me once more to wake me up. Preferably not in the scrotum.
Warren Terra
This displays a real paucity of imagination. For maximum security, we should all be nude (the combination of strip searching and showers involved could of course also serve a public health purpose). Of course, boarding the plane naked as a jaybird raises the issue of modesty. This is an issue that the proposed device, properly reimagined, could easily address. I tell you, once everyone on board has their genitals locked into an electroshock device, you will see politeness on a scale you have not heretofore imagined.
Wirelessly controlled shock devices embracing our most personal regions will also make sure that everyone turns off their cell phones when instructed to do so … both because we will be following orders with great alacrity, and because, well, who knows what the signals might trigger?
I can’t wait until all of these ideas are taken to their most logical conclusions and then implemented in our daily terrestrial lives.
nota bene
What filmgeek said. The airlines need me more than I need the airlines. Even if gas is four bucks a gallon. Air travel sucks enough as it is.
This would be a strong entry in the “dumbest fucking idea of the year” category.
Joshua Norton
But we can still get to carry guns and shoot people with no interference from the law, right?
Give a little, take a little.
BFR
Dude, you got to watch the promotional video. It’s some f’d up repugnant shit but it’s also funny as hell. All sorts of jingoism and fearmongering with the added bonus of being Canadian.
jake
Wimps! They should just go full Wedlock. Remote control decapitation by explosive device is the only way to fly.
Don’t worry, there is absolutely no chance that someone would gain access to the codes that send the signal and cause wide-spread mayhem. And of course the people authorized to have control would never, ever abuse their ability to blow people’s heads off.
If the pants wetters at DHS push this through before Jan. 2009 it will only be so Bush has another excuse to bail out the airlines.
Joshua Norton
What could possibly go wrong with that?
nightjar
And Dick Cheney weighs in from his undisclosed location via numerous cutouts and cheesy smoke signals and declares “bout fucking time bitches”
Dreggas
right up there with collars that explode if you go beyond a certain boundary. Forget the military industrial complex folks, we have the Security Industrial complex.
Zifnab
Hello? John McCain? I think I just found some of that wasteful spending you wanted to get rid of. Find this guy, his manager, his manager’s manager, and everyone on his floor who hasn’t attempted to beat him to death with a keyboard at one point or another, and see that they are all fired.
Then we can talk about more tax cuts.
jibeaux
Just wait til you get hit with the $10 fuel surcharge for the added weight of your electroshock bracelet, then you will truly know anger.
Dreggas
just like tazers aren’t abused now…
Joshua Norton
So you want more peanuts, huh? BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Warren Terra
They will inform you of the Fuel, Oxygen, Gravity, Inertia, and Existence surcharges after the bracelet is firmly locked onto your wrist.
Echo without Bunnies or Men
Wimps! They should just go full Wedlock. Remote control decapitation by explosive device is the only way to fly.
Aha! I knew it was only a matter of time before someone referenced the obscure HBO movie starring Rutger Hauer and Mimi Rogers.
Face
The Canadian accent seals it. It’s like watching a bad sci-fi movie promo with a voice-over by Dudley Dooright.
The 1992-style computer graphics are chortle-inducing as well.
Dreggas
Electric dog collars, especially the ones used to train guard dogs that have multiple settings, are absolutely horrible.
As for the idea of electrical equipment being attached to ones nether regions I know people who would volunteer to push the zap button on themselves while wearing that…
Heshe
Why don’t they just make us wear them all the time? That way we’ll always be safe and if I happen to have a negative thought against the state, which I’m sure they will be able to track soon, then they can zap me, and I’ll deserve it. Democracy is so old school. Bring on the police state. I want to be zapped!
Ben Richards
Killian – I live to see you eat that contract, but I hope you leave enough room for my fist because I’m going to ram it into your stomach and break your god-damn spine!
Rosali
Anyone who thinks this is a good idea should read about Robert Dziekanski’s misfortune in Vancouver’s airport. The amateur video of the incident is horrifying.
Delia
Even the Washington Times hates it. If Cheney’s Moonie legions are against this cunning plan, just who besides the DHS creeps are going to push it?
jibeaux
The government is willing to spend all this money and effort just to immobilize people for a few minutes, when for just pennies on the dollar they could just buy us all several rounds of drinks while we’re waiting to get on one of the 4 operational planes at any given airport, and immobilize us for the entire flight, without any passenger complaints or pesky Fourth Amendment complications. But, no, they’re always looking for the hard way…
Joshua Norton
Hey! 1992 was a halcyon year for computer graphics. What they did with DOS and an IBM 286 was magic! Dreamworks eat your heart out. How soon we forget Pong.
jibeaux
FOGIE? I see what you did there with your subliminal ageist anti-McCain messaging. Shame on you.
The Moar You Know
You said it first, so all I can say is “seconded”. Jesus fucking Christ.
Hey, DHS…an even better idea is to shoot all the passengers in the head before they embark. This has the added benefit of reducing snack costs!
Again…Jesus fucking Christ.
KevinD
Why don’t they just all out and use the exploding tracking collars from Battle Royale?
Warren Terra
Jibeaux, your idea has obvious merit, but obviously the teetotallers (and those intending to drive a car away from their airport) would have to retain the option of getting a Duracell strapped onto them.
Dreggas
McCain probably thinks it will be a great thing and also put it as part of his environmental platform reducing the need for any and all paper tickets.
Joshua Norton
Do you think they’d have a chip implant for frequent flyers?
jibeaux
There is also the issue of the underaged, which I as a mama should have thought of. For our male passengers aged 2 to 20 + any teetotallers and responsible drivers, I suggest the option of video games. I am not convinced of a whole lot of merits of video games, but I think if all young males had them, you’d see a lot less terrorism. (Also conversation and basic social interaction, but really, the baseline is spotty at best so it’s no great loss.)
The young women are going to be trickier. Possibly a 412 page catalog of shoes? My nearly-3 year old girl woke up out of a nap just long enough to groggily confirm that I had bought her some sandals we’d found at the store, so I think this has promise.
jake
And surely this is just a stop-gap until they develop the appropriate nanotechnology. A swift, painless injection will fill the customer’s blood with specially engineered molecules that will burst into flame at the touch of a button!
Please stand on this X sir, and wait until your flight is called.
Warren Terra
Jibeaux, your video game idea may be even more meritorious than you realize. I’ve never flown with them, but I hear that the seat-back entertainment on Jetblue in Cattle class is much better than on any of the airlines I have flown. And Midwest airlines famously hands out fresh-baked cookies. To my (minimal) knowledge, neither Midwest nor JetBlue has ever had a hijacking.
We cannot rest until, in the name of Our Security, all the airlines offer good in-flight entertainment and fresh cookies. Possibly, unfortunately, combined with this whole strap-on cattle prod gizmo.
Notorious P.A.T.
I, for one, welcome the opportunity to have the crack staff of highly-motivated and well-educated airport security specialists attach a potentially lethal electronic device to my person.
RSA
I’m working on a competing product, one that sends a low voltage current through the pleasure center of the brain, simulating a continuing orgasm in the wearer and thus completely immobilizing him/her for several minutes. Much more promising with respect to user acceptance. Think of it as Aldous Huxley’s view of the future, rather than George Orwell’s.
Chris Johnson
What. The. Fuck.
Give me a few minutes. I just can’t get the gleeful snark going right at the moment. How do you SATIRIZE this? Holy creeping mother of fuck.
dadanarchist
Let’s just do this and get it over with:
http://www.focazio.com/pa/
Chris Johnson
You know, it’s not actually a good idea to hand authorities every imaginable method of human-control-and-domination in case anything bad happens to inconvenience the customers.
If you ask them later to give it back, they might say ‘no’ and then what the fuck would you do?
JoyceH
Umm…. how sure are we that this is not a parody?
Delia
Well, I can’t wait to see Michael Chertoff get up on national TV to explain and defend this brilliant idea. He looks like Skeletor to begin with. Then Bush will be able to add killing off the airline industry to his already impressive legacy.
Chris Johnson
dadanarchist- well THAT’S no fun. They won’t go for that.
It’s important for the authorities to be able to see you writhe and cower in the event of you being zapped to the ground for being a threat.
It’s a perk, like tips for waitresses.
How far am I kidding?
scarshapedstar
Electric bracelets? Weak. We need remotely-detonated explosive anal pears for everyone to really keep the terrorists on the run.
jake
Yuh-huh! And these things will be carefully tracked and never wind up on the black market where sick fucks could use them to exert total control over stubborn family members!
jibeaux
Well, I think it has zero chance of going anywhere, which helps. I realize there is no concern with civil liberties any more, but I think the airlines, as big corporations, still hold some sway.
(The relentless savaging of my relentless optimism, of course, is why my gleeful snark always eventually morphs into gallows humor…)
jrg
Oh. My. God. I hope this is a joke.
Last time I flew, the jackass driving the bus from the park and ride to the terminal freaked out when someone stepped over the yellow line: he stopped the bus, went to the back, started screaming at multiple people (none of whom stepped over the yellow line). He even threatened to call the cops. It was clearly an authority thing. How I wish I had that on video.
Now we’re going to give idiots like him the ability to shock people on demand? WTF?
This is going to turn into a lawsuit, fast.
Sloegin
If true, the Washington Times probably only hates this idea because the DHS jumped a few too many steps ahead and rolled out this product idea early.
God, what a demented idea. It’s right up there with the gay bomb.
ec1009
Mr Johnson is right.
Just gallows humor Cris. Cracking jokes while watching dead freedom walking.
Malfunctioning Glenn Reynolds Robot
Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl. Heh. Indeed. We’re winning! Read the whole thing. Obama’s a gaffe-o-matic! Dude, where’s my recession? Here’s a picture of some random girl.
Bokonon
Oh, well, hey. If you aren’t guilty of anything, and don’t plan on getting out of line, then you have nothing to fear, right?
The task of selling the public on something sinister and nasty like this is not a hopeless one. Consider:
Homeland Security could package this device up as a “safety” enhancement and tell the public how it will keep them safe, safe, safe from the terrorists … and keep their gas prices low, because low terrorism means low gas prices or something. You get the picture. With the right hard sell, and the right name (safety bracelets!) and the right advertising and some credulous news coverage (i.e., “How safe will the new safety bracelets make travelers”?), you would then watch as some of the public fell into line.
Perhaps the Religious Right could get on board (with their followers) if these bracelets were promoted as a way to induce abstinence in teens.
Don’t laugh. When you want to assault personal liberty and autonomy, you can always stitch together a coalition of the scared, the clueless and the controlling. Remember the national campaign to raise the drinking age to 21 — and how this was sold to the American public?
— Bokonon
Warren Terra
I’d rather been assuming it was a pardoy, which is why I was having fun with it rather than getting outraged. The Washington Times blogger pretty clearly thinks it’s sincere, but they don’t exactly write for a newspaper known for its firm grip on reality.
If you click the link in the original post, the only verification is an alleged letter hosted by thesame people who host the video. That said, the company does seem to be etremely serious and no little bit creepy.
The company posts a letter as proof it’s a real project. The apparent author of the letter is a real person, and at least one of the email addresses he uses shows up elsewhere in Google, indeed as an FAA/DHS employee, so if it’s a satire the creators are treading some pretty thin ground. But the letter the company posted is incomplete and does not indicate there is any conception of using the device on civilians rather than, say, for prisoner transport.
We could have a useful debate about the merits of electroshock in law enforcement (I have serious qualms, as it’s pretty clear that, while it gets used in place of lethal force, it also gets used a lot when comparably damaging force would not have been contemplated), but I think there is no reason to suppose that the Washington Times Blogger had any notion what they were writing about.
Although, I concede, I haven’t bothered to watch the video.
Delia
Well, I just now watched the video and I don’t think it’s a joke. If you’re not real clear on civil liberties concepts and how tasers have been misused, and if you’re at all prone to 9/11 fear mongering tactics, it’s almost persuasive. They’re really setting out to convince the viewer that their bracelets are the only logical answer to airplane terrorism and they go through all the steps to show you how only terrorists would be inconvenienced and business or casual travelers would hardly notice them at all.
BFR
They’re also making it sound as though in-flight commandeering of aircraft is a constant threat – if that were the case, then this would be a reasonably cost-effective solution.
It might make sense for ‘Con-Air’ scenarios where there really is a major threat – having a lightweight, cost-effective means of incapacitating the passengers wouldn’t strike me as unreasonable, but pitching it as a solution for commercial aviation is just silly.
phein
This is going to kill me. Literally.
I’m a cardiac patient, two heart attacks and four stents. When they shock me, my heart is going to stop. They won’t give even the slightest fuck.
Afterwards, they’ll say that it’s not their fault, that I had a pre-existing condition and there’s no way they could have known.
AnneLaurie
Apparently these people *want* to kill the commercial air travel industry deader than Dubya’s nuts, presumably so that their private Gulfstreams can once again monopolize the runways. And they’re not big fans of the convention-planning industry either, because cities like Las Vegas and Miami are going to be ghost towns if the average traveller won’t get within range of a commercial flight. Should be a real boon to the railways and the video-conferencing business, though!
(We’ve had to stop using our Oreck air filters because the “invisible fence trained” dog we adopted from a rescue group goes nuts whenever the dust motes crackle on the ionizing plates. Anyone willing to do this to other human beings in the name of “security”… well, maybe I should remove the ‘other’ from in front of ‘human beings.
AkaDad
I’m shocked that Liberals don’t support Freedom Bracelets.
EJ
Well this is the same US govt. that put research money into the Gay Bomb, so I can’t say I’m surprised.
BTW, as an advocate of a decent system of passenger rail in the US, I am totally all for this idea. I can’t think of a better way to make people look for an alternative to airplanes.
Desert Hussein Rat
Hell of an idea. What a perfect way to completely kill domestic airline travel.
Desert Hussein Rat
Hell of an idea. What a perfect way to completely kill domestic airline travel.
Can I just say, right now, if I were President Obama, and the Democratic Congress, the first thing I would do to streamline government is to do away with the Department of Homeland Security.
Nothing that department has done since its creation has ever amounted to more than a waste of taxpayer dollars to an extent that would make the Pentagon blush.
Dreggas
you think this will be solely a part of air travel? BWAHAHAHA!
Krista
Nothing else needs to be said — that sums it up perfectly.
It wouldn’t just screw up the airline business — you’d also see tourism revenue as well as revenue from conferences take a nosedive.
Bey
Did you check all the links in the article? There’s a PDF of the letter which includes Mr. Paul S. Ruwaldt’s address, phone number and email!
Paul S. Ruwaldt
Project/Program Lead
Department of Homeland Security
Science and Technology Directorate
Office of Research and Development Protection Branch
William J. Hughes Technical Center
Atlantic City International Airport, NJ 08405
609.813.2725
[email protected]
[email protected]
I’m going for the minimalist approach:
“Mr. Ruwald have you entirely lost your mind?”
Elderta
Wow, somebody has been smoking something at DHS. They must get the really good stuff!
Bubble Burst
I’m not religious, but My Dear God your country is FUCKED UP!
Adam
I think the question you have to ask yourself is this: does utter absurdity make a particular anti-terrorism policy more or less likely to be enacted?
Warren Terra
Umm, Bey, Props for enthusiasm and all, but as I read the letter fragment the company posted it didn’t seem to indicate that the DHS was contemplating the system for civilian use. I know the company seems to be a bunch of seriously nutzoid freaks, but I haven’t seen any evidence that convinces me Mr. Ruwaldt is one as well. Writing a bunch of overwrought letters to the guy if you don’t have your facts is not terribly good practice. And posting the email addresses encourages such half-cocked actions. Anyone who clicked through would have seen the email addresses in any case; they weren’t a big secret.
Mind you, I’m not wild about law-enforcement applications of this technology, but I repeat that the letter did not appear to clearly state anyone outside of this company of violence enthusiasts was contemplating attaching the device to normal travelers.
Adam
If I worked at DHS, I have to admit that there’d be a serious temptation to tell the Washington Times and New York Post reporters all kinds of stuff.
Well, we certainly wouldn’t want to contract out our national security functions to any company like that. I mean, I have at least three other items on my checklist here. For example, what’s their position on bribery and kickbacks? Necessary evil, or just plain awesome?
Sapper
Stupid libs.
Everyone doesn’t have to wear the bracelets. Just the ones that look like muslims. Duh.
Delia
Actually, I don’t think I want to send Paul S. Ruwaldt my email address. Not that he doesn’t have tucked away amongst 300 million others (Comcast being what it is), but I just don’t see the point in drawing special attention to myself and any special need he might think I have for superduper electronic bracelets at this point in time.
Snarki, child of Loki
Hey, how about trying it out on the attendees of the GOP national convention this summer? Those dudes can get pretty rowdy when away from hearth and home, so a measure of control would be good.
And if the control codes are cracked? TV-ratings gold!
Derek
From the Video: “We feel if given the choice between taking a flight employing the added security of the EMD safety bracelet system, and taking a flight without the additional security, many, if not most passengers, would happily opt for the extra security of the EMD safety bracelet.:
Show of hands? Who wants to wear a Tazelet? Nobody? Nobody?……Anyone? …. Bueller?
Hmm. That’s what I tought.
Lynn Lightfoot
What do you want to bet that they are already using this on illegal immigrants whom they are deporting?
TenguPhule
Fuck, not even 1984 was as ridiculous as this.
If 2001-2008 were a fiction novel, it would be thrown out by the editors as too unbelievable.
Lupin
A society where everyone wears an exploding collar was I think first described in Jack Vance’s THE ANOME (aka The Faceless Man), book 1 of the Durdane trilogy.
nota bene
In Soviet Russia, attention draws you….
toujoursdan
Why restrict this to boarding passengers? I am sure it can also be encoded with driver’s license or national ID information and the user be made to wear it all the time.
I usually this the fundamentalist crowd is off the deep end with the 666 nonsense but sometimes I wonder.