I’m beat up and taking the night off. I was supposed to go see Absinthe tonight at Caesars, but we rescheduled and are going to go tomorrow night. Both my colleague and I are just tired and worn down, both mentally and physically, and I think a night of rest will make the last day here much more enjoyable. I need some college football, a couple scoops of ice cream while sitting in the hot tub, and then a good night’s sleep.
I’ve been disoriented since I got here, and somehow I feel as if being drunk the whole time would actually be easier on the body. I don’t know why the town is laid out the way it is, but I always seem to be going north when I feel like I am going east, south when I am going west, and so on. Back in the hills and hollers, I always know which direction I am facing. You could spin me around in circles while blindfolded, take off the mask, and I’d be able to point you north with no problem. Out here, I’m as clueless about my bearings as a groundhog placed in the middle of a concrete parking lot.
The sun and the oppressive heat set the tempo of the all out assault on the body that one receives in Vegas, and when you seek respite from that, the neon lights and glaring tv screens and clanging casino machines and speakers blasting music from everywhere take over. Your body’s defense is to dull the senses, to tune it all out, to instinctively attempt to shield yourself from the multifaceted antigens that are just trying to crush you. People come to Vegas to escape reality, and when here they drink to escape the surreality of Vegas. In the military, they allegedly break you down so they can build you back up as a better soldier. In Vegas, they break you down so you can become a better consumer.
It’s a vicious feedback cycle, Vegas is. The everythingness of it all wears you down to the point that the only way you can feel or sense anything is with BIGGER, LOUDER, FLASHIER. You gotta drink more, eat more, bet more, the music has to be louder and the cars have to be faster and the towers have to be taller and the jokes have to be raunchier and everything has to be more, more, more, because you’re so out of touch with yourself and actually feeling that you can’t actually feel anything at all. After a couple of days here, spending six bucks for a cold bottle of ice water seems to make sense. Think about that. I’ve been down this road before with my struggles with the bottle and I know what I am dealing with- it’s been noted before that Vegas is the drug, and it is only now at this stage in my life that I think I really understand what they mean.
In a sense, the optical illusion of the surrounding mountains makes this a fitting location for this splendid little decadent shithole in the desert. Unlike the mountains, which are enormous but look small from a distance, Las Vegas seems big until you really look closely at it and see the sad smallness of it all. It’s basically a gaudy shopping mall in which the best selling item is regret.
I think I’m going to have to come back again.
redshirt
Fuckin’ A yeah!
divF
“Hernia, hernia, hernia, hernia, hernia,…”
(/Tom Wolfe )
SmallAxe
Damn Cole that was beautifully written. Good luck out there.
redshirt
DINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDINGDING
Fair Economist
That’s a great Vegas essay. I agree downtime is essential to deal with they hyperstimulation of Vegas, although sometimes off-strip and physical activities can provide relief from the din; you don’t always have to retreat to your room.
MobiusKlein
I fucking hate Vegas, And will. Never. Set. Foot. There. Again.
On the plus side, I saw an elephant pee all over the Sigfriegd and Roy stage once there.
Mnemosyne (tablet)
There’s something about a desert that’s intrinsically disorienting to me. I know some people love it, but there’s also a reason it’s common for people to get lost on what seems to be an easy hike.
Mnemosyne (tablet)
It sounds like you should take the advice people gave you early on and get outside of the city to take a hike or do something else in nature. The desert is disorienting enough on its own without adding the city on top of it.
redshirt
This is John Cole’s second greatest post ever, for those of you voting.
divF
@redshirt:
Second !
Triumph
Golly, Mr. Cole.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8d8h1lbzoHY
srv
Jesus John, ten years ago you could barely spell, and now you’re emoting Cormac McCarthy.
I once asked you to write a book, and you said “What would I write about?”
Clue.
redshirt
@srv:
LOL it’s true.
Goblue72
Or you could just stay at the Palazzo or Venetian (or Wynn if you really want to drop som coin) and lounge at the interconnected swimming pools all day sipping fruit juice (or Shirley piña coladas). And then finish up the afternoon booking a massage or hot rock treatment at the hotel spa. Or even start a day with a morning tee time at Wynn, Coyote Springs, Cascata, or any number of other great courses – some of which are stumbling distance from the Strip.
It’s entirely possible to ball in Vegas without having to deal with the neon bling crap or the woo-woo crowd.
JustRuss
Nice post. But if you want small sadness, Reno is your town. That place depresses the hell out of me.
Anne Laurie
That’s beautiful, Cole.
According to the Spousal Unit, taking a helicopter tour over the Grand Canyon would be a very good use of some of your winnings…
Trinity
Amazing post John. Well fucking said.
seaboogie
Let’s put this in the book of essays & posts – it’s really good, and a fitting response to your phobia of being out of your home-space, and in a strange and peculiar environment that does not support your sobriety. Well expressed John G. Maybe there is a metaphor there for coming from addiction and experiencing sobriety in an alien place, and moving from the addiction of anger and self-righteousness of convserative dogma to the mayhem of liberal consciousness. Light of day and clarity is more complicated that the drunken, addictive, conservative mantra, and yet a feeling of hangover and disorientation, as you experience the various transitions. By all means – ice cream in the hot tub as you manage all of that sensory stuff.
Stephen Benson
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yMxHq9ucSWA
srv
This is what happens when they pump oxygen into your hotel room.
Punchy
I swear I read the first sentence as “Im beating off and taking the night up” and thought, yup, that’s Cole.
mclaren
BillinGlendaleCA
@JustRuss: Been to Reno once, I won’t return. I like Vegas, though I’ve not been back since I quit the bottle.
NotMax
At least when your car is forced off the road in the desert, you can retrieve it with more alacrity.
NotMax
Next conference, Branson!
:)
BillinGlendaleCA
@NotMax: It’s mostly federal land out there, probably a lot of forms to fill out. I wouldn’t bet on it being easier.
redshirt
@NotMax: Witness!
Mnemosyne (tablet)
@BillinGlendaleCA:
One of my work friends is a recovering alcoholic, and I was telling her about a frozen daiquiri (or somesuch) that I paid, like, $10 for in Vegas and then threw away after three sips because it tasted disgusting.
She blinked and said, with total seriousness, “That just means you drink it faster!”
To me, that summed up the entire difference between an alcoholic and a non-alcoholic in one conversation.
redshirt
So what is the great magnet? Money?
NotMax
@redshirt
Wayne Newton.
:)
redshirt
@NotMax: Or maybe Celine.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Mnemosyne (tablet): A dealer in Vegas once told us there are two forms of alcohol abuse: letting your drink get warm or spilling your drink on the blackjack table.
mikefromArlington
Voodoo lounge rooftop bar is a cool bar btw. Great view of the city
BillinGlendaleCA
@BillinGlendaleCA: I said a bad word or words: Once of the workers in Vegas once told us there are two forms of alcohol abuse: letting your drink get warm or spilling your drink on the table.
Mary G
Day after tomorrow you will be home in the hills and hollers with Lily, so hang in there.
Ruckus
I see you hit on the essence of Vegas.
coin operated
Living here is much different than visiting here. Get out of the fucking casinos and you’ll discover a shit-ton of other things to do…at half the price.
Linkmeister
I spent one night there and met the guy I was supposed to meet the following morning, then flew out of town to LA. That was back in ’85. The only thing I liked about it was looking out the hotel room window and seeing beautiful southwestern mountains. I never put a quarter in a slot, didn’t sit at a poker table or spin a roulette wheel, nuthin’.
It was not my cup of tea.
NotMax
@BillinGlendaleCA
Yeah, licking it off the green felt is nigh impossible. :)
There’s go to be a humane society facility in or near Vegas. Maybe Mr. Cole just needs an interval of communing with the animals to get back to hitting on all cylinders.
redshirt
@coin operated:
Absolutely, and I love your user name.
redshirt
@coin operated: Absolutely, and I love your user name.
John Cole
@coin operated: I’ve actually been off strip a lot. Pretty much every meal has been off strip. My colleague was fiending Italian tonight so we went to this place called Nora’s which was pretty good. I really enjoyed the calamari, but I’ve basically been eating nothing but Mexican since I got here. I’ve been to a bunch of places where I was the only gringo and I sit and order an iced tea and watch for a while and see what the locals order, then get what they ordered that looks good.
lucslawyer
Obviously John Cole gets Vegas.
srv
@NotMax: Meh, Branson. What we need here is a BJ Cruise.
Imagine… Naked Mop Cosplay meets Poseidon Adventure.
NotMax
@John Cole
If it’s offered, try going with agua fresca over iced tea.
MCC
OK now, what you need to do is go to Red Rock Park, which is a couple of miles west of town- easy to find. It is a classic desert ridge/mountain terrain- Beautiful, and fairly peaceful as well.
Get out of the Casinos and check out the desert! Its different than the hollers back home, but its a fine thing.
Then, for the hard stuff, drive several hours west, into Death Valley. You will thank me for this advice.
ruemara
I had a good time the last time I was in Vegas, but it had too much of that undercurrent of desperation to think about living there. Reno felt worse. However, I hope to go back and truly explore Vegas, not the shiny bits, but the real part. Maybe you should come back and never go to the Strip, just go to places like the canyon and some of the shows.
trollhattan
@JustRuss:
I think Reno lost it’s reason to exist when they finished the railroad and they’ve been putting up “lost: one mojo” posters ever since.
“They’ve got a Cabela’s” seems to be the sole reason to go.
John Cole
@trollhattan:
I’ve never been there and don’t know what I am talking about, but that has never stopped me before, so I’m going to disagree. Reno’s permanent existence on earth was justified by the creation and genius of Reno 911.
trollhattan
Saw Mavis Staples tonight. Testify.
redshirt
@trollhattan: Are Cabela’s that appreciated?
trollhattan
@John Cole:
How do I argue that? The show wouldn’t have worked sans the Bowling Stadium as backdrop.
John Cole
@redshirt:
People have been shot for saying things like that out loud in West Virginia. It’s fucking redneck Mecca. If aliens saw all the truck nuts hanging in the Cabela’s parking lot near me they’d think it was a spawning site for hillbillies.
Mnemosyne (tablet)
@John Cole:
As long as you’re not choosy about what part of the animal you’re eating, that’s the best way to go. Some of G’s co-workers freaked him out one time because they couldn’t remember if the empanada they gave him was “calabaza” or “cabeza” — two very different propositions.
(Fortunately, it turned out to be the first one.)
RK
Jeez. Cole can be so pollyanna.
Anne Laurie
@redshirt:
It’s like Nordstrom, but for redneck men. Even when it doesn’t have what they need, it’s good for an afternoon of browsing all the stuff they want.
trollhattan
@redshirt:
Folks love that shit, and make pilgrimages. The new youuuuge Bass Pro Shop on 80 in Rocklin is going to take a hunk of their bidnez, just like the many Indian gaming megaplexes torpedoed Reno’s strip.
BillinGlendaleCA
@John Cole: I thought it was: “I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die”.
redshirt
@John Cole:
lol. There’s a Cabela’s in Scarborough, ME. It’s huge. I went in there looking for a bird identification book, but no luck. I couldn’t believe it. That gigantic place didn’t have even one bird identification book. I mean, that’s like nature 101. Who doesn’t like birds? Who wouldn’t want to know more about birds? Hey! What are those birds outside the window?
I was referred to the book about dressing game birds.
cckids
@Mnemosyne (tablet):
Unless he’s up and hiking at 6 am, it is too fricking hot to be hiking. It was 103 here today. He’s not used to it; it may not kill him, but it will be fucking miserable. I don’t think he has the whole day to drive up to Mt. Charleston to truly get away from the heat.
He could get away from the strip/cas1no/noisiness by retreating to a museum, or go do the Dam tour, but his schedule may not allow for that.
redshirt
Yeah, hiking in the desert is like a good way to start the story “So I died in the desert outside Vegas….”
Origuy
Reno has a few good points; it’s a cheap place to stay near Tahoe for one. The Automobile Museum is another. It’s built around Bill Harrah’s collection, but is well-curated. You could spend hours there.
Virginia City is touristy, but fun.
cckids
@NotMax:
The Nevada SPCA is just south & west of the strip. Their cat wing is free-roaming, you can go in & pet & hang with the kitties. It is a very nice place.
seaboogie
Also, your post reminds me of what I thought of the US, before I moved back here from the much more sane place that is Canadia. The sheer visual and omnipresent noise of this place made me shy to return – but love will make you do some crazy things.
ETA: Vegas would never be possible in Canada, for every possible reason.
redshirt
@seaboogie:
Imagine a future world of global climate terror and Northern Saskatchewan is one of the last fertile and relatively calm places left on Earth. Most folks live in the Cave-Domes. Spekking is a cool thing teens do.
agorabum
@cckids: Agreed; too hot for that WV boy. Go to the Bellagio and watch the fountain, see some art, and call it a day.
Also, a lot of hate for Vegas here – Vegas can be a lot of fun, just don’t buy its hype and lose yourself to the seduction. Have quit limits.
redshirt
I’m proud to say I helped change the lights of Vegas – and the world.
But Vegas was one of the early adopters.
BillinGlendaleCA
I’ve been scanning all the pictures I’ve got(negatives, slides and prints if the former two don’t exist); I’ve not been able find the pics from Hoover Dam. No idea what happened to them, except for the four moves.
Aleta
Somehow you’ve also managed to describe the onset and aftermath of the disorientation of post traumatic stress, and the simultaneous numbing to and addiction to the nearly constant adrenalin of it. Don’t get too tired OK.
What I remember most about Vegas ( it was the older smaller one) was the weird weird dead quiet inside all the noise and lights, and how it was coming from inside the individual people who were crowding the floor but not making the communicative signals of healthy animals. Animals never look so dead in the senses unless they’ve been stunned. I don’t know how humans learn to maintain themselves in a stunned state, or prefer to stay there. Maybe it’s related to being somewhere where you cannot change what is happening.
redshirt
@Aleta: Inebriation of one kind or another.
Betty Cracker
Bravo!
Dmbeaster
@MCC: Love Death Valley but it is still brutally hot right now. Been there 20+:times and have driven most of the back country (Lippincott Mine Road or Steele Pass anyone?), and done a lot of hiking. The park is massive. Death Valley itself is 100 miles long. You can have some fun for a few hours but go back for a long multiday visit with a vehicle that can at least drive on the better back roads, like Titus Canyon for starters.
redshirt
lol lets go camping in DEATH VALLEY u guys!!!
Morzer
I shall outsource my comment to Doctor Johnson, with appropriate modification:
“Had Cole written often thus it had been vain to blame, and useless to praise him.”
Betty Cracker
@redshirt: You first — go set up the tents and wait. We’ll bring the water.
grishaxxx
Never been – going in about two weeks to join my brother (an old hand) and wander and take notes and pics (which I will share with you). My interest is the spectacle, the 24/7, the possibility of witnessing the Hard Eight. I just have no idea, but Cole nails his idea, and that’s awesome.
Zinsky
“…a gaudy shopping mall where the best-selling item is regret.” Perfect. One of the best lines I have read in awhile. It should be part of the lyrics of a song…
C.V. Danes
Welcome to the United States of America, Mr. Cole. If D.C. is the consciousness of the country, then Vegas is the id.
jayboat
Great piece, Cole. You nailed it. I spent nine straight days there back in the early seventies- worked for a company that was having their annual convention there. Even as a twenty-something, after a couple of days cash money and a lot of life’s normalcy became a faded memory. Still have memories of how strange it seemed even as a not-so-aware young person.
In more recent years I’ve had the good fortune to pass through the place for something more life-affirming. I travel there every year to meet my helicopter pilot and we fly the Colorado river down to Lake Havasu City. Some of the most breathtaking scenery on the planet. Photos here, here and here.
PSA- if you’re gonna take a helo tour, use Maverick- they are accident-free.
HeartlandLiberal
Years ago, when you could still go down into the lower levels of the dam to the east to tour and see the generators, even walk out onto the platforms at the base of the dam, I made several business trips to Las Vegas. Our manager of our gift shop led the group, our point of sale software vendor was based east of Vegas.
As we walked through Ceasar’s retail mall, he pointed out that we were at that moment walking on the most expensive retail space per square foot in America.
Then he explained the Vegas casino business model very succinctly: “You put up a sign that reads ‘Come in and give me your money’. And people do. End of business model.”
So I post this, and get an “awaiting moderation” message. What in the name of all holy or unholy would trigger a moderation filter in this post??
RaflW
@JustRuss:
It is quite possible that I’ll never go to Vegas again, but I kinda like Reno. There is still a buffet that is reasonably priced and has surprisingly good food, and the re-done MGM Grand has a good angle on retro chic. Not even horribly smokey.
But the main reason I like Reno is that it is a fast drive to Lake Tahoe. There is some nice nature if you drive out of Vegas, but nothing like the Sierras around Tahoe. And the lake, wow! I just hope we haven’t so badly broken the climate that the snows don’t come back. I’d love to ski Tahoe again, but two winters ago was almost a bust, and I stayed away this past winter when it just didn’t precipitate worth a damn. I miss it.
geg6
I hate that place with the heat of a thousand suns. Can’t understand why anyone would go there. Horrible.
bk
I live here.
kentropic
Beautiful post, John — especially, “the best-selling item is regret.” My dad has a sort of Ralph Kramden/Fred Flintstone approach to money, and years ago, wanting to show faith in his enthusiasm, I invested about $10K in some penny stock that was “just about to explode.” When it imploded a couple years later & I walked away with about $200, I consoled myself that it was as if I’d gone on a hookers-&-blow weekend binge in Vegas — but woke up Monday morning clear-headed & remorse-free because it was all just a bad dream.
lamh36
Darn…comment on moderation…if ya ever gwt it out, ignore the first 2.
Seems like u did have some fun though Cole…FB and curmudgeon rants aside:-)
Mack
Having grown up going to Vegas in the Rat Pack years, and eventually moving there after the last gangster had been rooted out, I have a love/hate thing for the place. I understand Coles’ take on it, as I have felt that way on occasion. But the thing about the strip is that it does provide sensory overload, but people who go there are looking for precisely that. They WANT oxygen pumped into their systems, they don’t want to look at the clock. They want the flashing lights and the dinging bells and the gaudiness. No one says “I need some rest, I think I’ll head out to Vegas.”
But whoever said upthread that desperation permeates the place (paraphrasing a bit) has it right, but I find that mostly off the strip. The strip holds promise, of fortune, or elicit, exciting encounters, or just a day or two of living beyond your means. The neighborhoods around the place have changed over the decades, and I no longer ever want to live there again. I find the proliferation of strip malls and check cashing places very very sad. I fly in to play a tourney every year, but I get it in my head that I am going to enjoy the surroundings, and so I do. Yes, setting limits is key, not just on gambling, but on food, drink, and time in the sun.
Central Planning
@John Cole:
Queue R.E.M.’s Stand
I’ve only been to Vegas for work purposes and I suspect that’s the only way I will go there, although my wife wants to go for our 25th wedding anniversary and get re-married in one of the little chapels with Elvis.
Strangely, work only seems to have events there in the summer. Probably because it’s cheaper. Who wants to be there when it’s 110 at midnight?
Tan Don
@bk: I live here.
I do, too, and there is no place I’d rather be. I’ve lived here ten years, am now sixty, and it’s still incredible to wake up every morning and see mountains all around me. Yes, it’s hot. Summer has been a month longer this year, but next week will start eight months of the best weather one could ask for. There is always something to do. I ride my classic bike every day, and have been soaked three times in three years. Where else can you say that?
People think LV is the Strip, but it’s a lot more than that. It’s my home.
jonas
@seaboogie:
Niagra Falls, ON is trying.
Central Planning
@jonas:
As is Niagara Falls, NY
jharp
Fuck Las Vegas and fuck the desert golf around Las Vegas.
Been there at least a dozen times and will never go back.
Mack
Yeah, it generally takes 12 trips or so to a place to really know it.
Lamh36
ugh..keep getting stuck in moderation
philpm
Very nice post John! I know what you mean about being disoriented, but I didn’t get that in Vegas like I do in NY State for some reason. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gotten lost driving around Syracuse the last 5 years. Good thing I don’t have to do that anymore.
I found that the way to defeat the sensory overload in Vegas is to really focus on the things you want to do while you’re there. When the wife and I went, we knew several of the things that we wanted to do, and just kind of blocked everything else out. I loved Red Rocks, the wife not so much. There are several things I’d like to go back for, but I may have to do it alone or with our daughter. I don’t think I’ll convince the wife to go again, she just wasn’t that impressed.
bluefoot
@jonas: I was just about to type that. :) It’s getting ridiculous.
Bill D.
If you get a chance, get out to the Spring Mountains northwest of town. Oaks, pines, firs, aspens, and snow in winter. There’s even a ski area!
PurpleGirl
These posts from Vegas have been really good and this one is an excellent piece of writing. Gotta read the whole thread now, but I wanted to say that first.
pat
Didn’t you say you were going there for some sort of work-related conference? I went to the National Flute Association Convention a couple of years ago and didn’t go out of the hotel until I had to catch the shuttle to the airport. Concerts every night, programs and recitals all day….
Can’t imagine going to Vegas to see Vegas. Ugh.
terraformer
Very nice write up John. Miss your awesome take on places and things – write more! :)
Shawn Nowlan
Some of the best lines I’ve ever read describing the Vegas experience. Seriously – you are having exactly the same sensory overload experience I had . . . And the last time I was in Vegas just happened to be September 10, 2001. . .
Rasputin's Evil Twin
I consider Vegas to be a never-ending fever dream, something from Dante as translated by Stephen King in his drinking days.
ranchandsyrup
reno is a hate-filled burgh with severe inferiority complexes.
Paul in KY
@JustRuss: Also, watch out for their sheriff dept. Those guys are cray cray!!!
Paul in KY
@BillinGlendaleCA: Had a friend do that twice in a ca$ino in East St. Louis. Out the door he went after the 2nd spill.
Linnaeus
All good things of this earth flow into the city.
Mack
@Paul in KY: I’ve lived all over the country, but aside from New Orleans, Vegas has the scariest police dept…even more than the Rampart Div of LAPD back in the day.
Paul in KY
@Mack: I know NOLA police are bad. Whenever I go down there, I make it a point not to have any dealings at all with them (if possible).
jl
if you spend all your time wandering around inside the cavernous luxury pleasure domes, you slowly go mad.
Hope Cole takes opportunity to see a little of The Nature while he is there.
Aleta
@Rasputin’s Evil Twin:
nice
seaboogie
@jonas: Oh yeah – forgot about that one. Haven’t been there in 40 years – but at 14 Mme Tussauds and the Maid of the Mist were pretty fun – I wasn’t the urbane sophisticate that I am now ;-)
apocalipstick
@John Cole: Cabela’s is a poor man’s Bass Pro Shop.