Got a lot of things rattling around my head this evening, so I am having a hard time falling asleep. In fact, I’ve been in bed for two hours and am no closer to sleep. I guess I should get used to this.
Had a couple drinks tonight, because I know I am well beyond going cold turkey alone, and am waiting to get back to WV where I can schedule the appropriate detox that would be right for me. Quitting drinking to die from the shakes or a heart attack seems kind of counter-productive to me, so I am going to slow roll shit and do things, as always, on my terms. My terms being whatever the medical folks tell me.
Not to be flippant (which means I am going to be a flippant sarcastic prick), but does anyone read this website other than recovering alcoholics? Fer fuck’s sake, I have like 100 emails I have to respond to, all of you with stories much like mine…
One of the things I am most afraid of is how to fill the time void that will be around once I finally get clean. I spent the last two hours lying in bed doing an inventory of the things I like to do, and came up with a list of things I like to do and things I have said I wanted to do, but never did, because, invariably, I was drinking. I think it will be very important for me to find new activities and rediscover old activities I used to love.
I want to swim again. I haven’t swam in years because I have enough decency to not force people to see my disgusting fatbody. But I always loved it. I was a fish as a kid, spending every day in the pool, and I was on my HS swim team for several years until I was kicked off for mooning people off the back of the bus on the way home from a meet. I am sure you will not be surprised to know that Jeff, Carol, Candy, and I were all drinking on the back of the bus when we did it.
I want to ride a bike again. I used to love bike riding, and I haven’t done it since I was in the military in Germany.
I want to start dating again. I’m a hot mess, but I still think I have a lot to offer.
I used to love doing the crossword puzzles. Some of the best moments of my life were drinking coffee and doing the NY Times crossword puzzle with the woman I should have spent the rest of my life with but I fucked it up somehow.
I want to teach Rosie how to play fetch. My mother had to have Tommy John surgery at age 65 she spent so much time throwing the ball with Russell the Love Muscle, our first family JRT.
I want to become politically involved beyond just belching out crap on a website whenever I have a random thought.
I want to volunteer at the Wheeling soup kitchen.
I want to foster a child. I had thought about it for years, but when things started to go downhill for me personally a little while back, I abandoned the thought, wisely. It would have been supremely irresponsible. And please, trolls, I am not equating fostering a child with doing crossword puzzles- I’m listing things I want to do but never did because I had more important things to do. Mainly scotch and vodka.
I want to finish my Doctorate. I have been ABD for 12 years.
I want to go camping.
I want to start lifting and running again. I was a good looking motherfucker at one time, or so I think (I was #80 in this photo, when my lacrosse team went to the National Championship for the NCLL in 1995):
I want to start juggling again. My brother taught me and I did it for years, but stopped.
I want to read about Buddhism and also explore transcendental meditation.
I dunno if you ever saw American Beauty, but I want to look good naked again. Fuck you if you laugh.
I want to spend every day for the rest of my life telling myself I am not too smart or clever or witty that I can bullshit my way into having another drink (just one more won’t hurt, right?) because I am too smart or clever or witty to become a fucking worthless drunk. That could never happen, amirite?
I have a lot of shit I want to do, and I think I need to keep an inventory of all the things I want to do so when this new void in my life opens and I have all this time, I will have constructive things to do and accomplish.
I’m going to have a lot of time on my hands. And yes, I will be talking about what I am going through a lot, so if you don’t want to read about it, I’ll come up with some sort of title intro for every post so you can scroll through it.
I have a lot I want to do, and I have a lot I need to do.
And for the record, we have a hundred categories and I could not find one that made sense other than the open thread.
Just Some Fuckhead
I just wanna piss when I start to and not 5 minutes later.
John Cole
@Just Some Fuckhead: Turn the faucet on and take some prostrate health pills, you fucking wanker.
craigie
Time for a new category called “Stuff Worth Doing”? Or maybe just “todo list” Or howzabout “Still not drinking”
Just Some Fuckhead
I like to go camping but I’ve never tried it without alcohol. Have you thought about accepting The Lord Jesus Christ as your personal Savior, John? It’s not for everyone but damn are the church girls cute!
hilzoy
Not a recovering alcoholic, or any other kind of addict. Insomniac, though.
Time is actually a lot of fun.
Just Some Fuckhead
Do those prostate health pills really work?
James E. Powell
I’ll come up with some sort of title intro for every post so you can scroll through it.
For the time being, you could stick with quoting lines from Ch-ch-ch-changes in the title.
Suzanne
I’m not a recovering anything. Or an active anything. I seem to have dodged the addiction bullet, at least so far. Many of my family members are/were not so lucky. I just am an introvert and like having a “place” in which I can socialize without actually having to be around people. I spend all day around people.
Skippy-san
Whatever you do-do not let yourself get sucked into the cult that is AA. Trust me on this one-‘the cure’ is much worse than the disease.
And its a fact that, most people “recover” ( whatever the hell that means) on their own. And can still drink again if they choose to.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Just Some Fuckhead: Might want to see a medical professional about that you Fuckhead.
Yatsuno
@John Cole:
I know it’s a typo, but that’s hilarious.
I’m not drinking right now because I’m on an opioid because part of my body is basically dying and it hurts like hell. After I get new hips I should be able to come down off that and maybe then Ill think about booze again. But I seemed to have ducked the addiction gene in my family so far, knocking on every piece of wood I can touch.
Cathie from Canada
I didn’t get the chance to respond to your previous post, but I wanted to say how great it is that you have decided to quit drinking. Alcoholism runs in my family too and it’s an insidious, sneaky disease.
One of the best things about AA is the Serenity Prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.”
Words to live by, for all of us.
chuck
Long time follower of this blog as a lurker. Not a recovering anything, but lots of alcoholism in the family. My passion is my bike. If you want to get that feeling of being 12 again (I’m assuming you weren’t drinking at 12), get on a bike and go for a ride. And then go for another one, but make it a little longer.
Little Boots
excuse me. I have been abusing you on a lower thread.
so unfair.
Cathie from Canada
@Skippy-san: For an alcoholic, thinking that you can still drink normally is the siren call of the booze — don’t listen to it.
Little Boots
can I say, once again, I do like you johnny, but you are such a goober sometimes. can I say that?
michelle
Someone seems to have banned most of them.
I’m not a recovering anything. I know one person who found AA helpful. He was married to me. I was in another country at the time for work. He found another woman who was in the family AA thing, I can’t remember what it is called. We got divorced and he eventually married her. We only stopped pretending to still be married when I cut off my family. I still help him with his dysfunctional family. I’m supposedly friends with his new wife whom he didn’t really want to marry.
Sometimes I worry that I will get put in a home and treated badly, but you know, I’ve got all of those pills from surgeries that I didn’t take and I am sure that even though they may be expired, the whole combination of them will kill me.
Cole, you have your family. You took your anger out on commenters here instead of your family. You have the goodwill of the people that either you or your FPer’s haven’t banned and those suckers who will give you a pass no matter what.
Calling anyone a c#nt — and it pains me to type that — is wrong. I cut a man for calling me that. In a bar across the room. It was a little bar. I am surprised you haven’t been cut somewhere for the way you went off on Cassidy. And now it seems that he is banned. He served our country and is still. Yet your fan club and you banned him.
Your brother and your sister and you are to blame for Tunch’s death. Not Cassidy or any other person who sticks up for a breed of dogs that can be a better friend than you human. I know. I’ve known both.
Little Boots
@michelle:
splain, please.
michelle
@Little Boots: Explain what? I covered a lot of territory.
Little Boots
@michelle:
when did john call anyone a cunt.
Emerald
John, meditation is great, but the transcendental stuff is a scam.
Check out the Zen Buddists, or the regular Buddists, or some other established eastern spiritual types for instruction. You can even get a course on meditation from the Teaching Company.
You don’t even have to stop believing in the FSM!
Um, btw, has Steve used that fancy cat tower you got him yet? Just wondering . . .
Just Some Fuckhead
John, you are never going to be good enough for you, no matter what you do. You aren’t going to let yourself because your brain isn’t wired up that way. Being good enough for you will always be twenty pounds away, or four more days sober or one more item checked off on your bucket list. The key to some sort of truce with yourself is to recognize that it’s simply brain chemistry. There’s no magic solution, just a hard daily mental slog to fail to please yourself and then recognize you can’t, because you won’t have it any other way because that’s how your brain is wired. Some people go through life with a missing limb or some other obvious physical ailment. Brain chemistry ailments are just as debilitating and perhaps more so because they aren’t as readily apparent as the physical manifestation of a malady.
Suzanne
My ex-husband, my older daughter’s dad, is a recovering addict and alcoholic. Just as smart as you (maybe even smarter—he’s always been a liberal), and pretty damn agnostic….yet finally, FINALLY getting sober with AA has turned his life around. My brother-in-law, who says AA is a dangerous cult…. has decided that he will break his addictions through the use of magic mushrooms. That is going about as well as you’d expect. AA might not be your deal, but I hardly think it’s dangerous like some people say. Anybody that blames AA for fucking them up was pretty fucked up beforehand.
Little Boots
@Suzanne:
nobody’s smarter than me, but glad he’s getting better.
michelle
@Little Boots: You are very late to this particular party. Let’s just say that you are lucky he didn’t call you that.
Mary G
I love your list of things you want to do, because I think just stopping a behavior without replacing it with something else is hard.
Suzanne
@Little Boots: last week on one of the pit bull threads. Now let us never speak of it again.
Howard Beale IV
One problem: many of the addiction medicine folks are firmly wedded in the 12 Step Model. Be wary of those who believe in total abstinance. Remember-unlike the 12-step belief that you are helpless-you are not.
Addictive behaviours are just that – behaviours that can be unlearned. Addiction as a primary ‘disease’ fails on so many levels. Now don’t get me wrong-there is value in the 12 Steps and the 12 Traditions-but they are an adjunct, not primary.
And FFS, don’t let your GP/Internist send you to your local Dr. Drew clone. People have beaten alcohol abuse with Baclofen, Nalrrexone, and Campral. If you get the shakes, have your doc get you a two month course of Valium while you dry out.
And if you haven’t picked up on the works of Lance Dodes and/or Stanton Pelee-do it. Peele’s Life Process is available online for well under $500.
billgerat
I am borderline alcoholic.When I was in my twenties I used to drink until I’d fall off the bar stool, then wake up the next morning in the drunk tank wondering what happened the night before. One time I woke up in jail all beat up, and found out somebody beat me while I was nearly passed out, and when the cops came I tried to fight them. Right then and there I decided that I had enough. I stayed out of bars since in social settings I couldn’t quit having just one more, and only drank at home. Living by yourself, it isn’t as much fun drinking alone, so that made it much easier to quit after a drink or two. Today I am in my 50’s, and I very rarely have a drink – I think the last glass of scotch that I had was back last Christmas, though I had a beer last month. When on the rare occasion that I have a party, I am very careful to stop drinking after a pint. For some people it really depends on how bad you want to stop.
But not everybody is like me, so I don’t expect others to quit on their own like I did. If you can quit on your own, good! If you need AA or equivalent, the whatever works for you is just as good. What is best though is just realizing that you need to stop and act on it. Good luck with this next step in your life.
Little Boots
@michelle:
he never speaks to me, which is unfortunate, but still, get it.
Alison
JC, this is a really beautiful post. And honestly, I think this is the best way to start figuring out how to live without alcohol…
I don’t drink at all and never have, don’t have any addiction issues, but I am dealing with very a very long and difficult recovery process of my own, and the absolute best thing to do, mentally, is what you’ve done here – think about what you *don’t* have because of Your Problem and what you *can* have once you’re rid of it. Don’t think about it as not having something anymore – alcohol in your case – but about having so much more that wasn’t there before. Not to be tooooo cheesy but it’s like letting go of a single anchor and grabbing on to a bunch of helium balloons.
Not that it won’t be hard and that it won’t suck. Most of my days suck. A lot of the time, I wish I could say fuck it all and sink back down to that awful nadir. But that’s the Problem talking. The further you get from that pit, the less attractive it looks, and the less you ever want to go back. Or so I try to convince myself :)
michelle
@Suzanne: Good to see you here. And I agree with the AA beneficial effects. It worked for my ex.
Little Boots
@Suzanne:
really?
he’s … troubled.
Little Boots
let’s have fun:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwtdhWltSIg
Suzanne
@Little Boots: Yes, my BIL has big issues. He will tell me that AA made his recovery worse, as if everything before that, like stealing from his family and being unable to keep a job and falling in with the Mormons—was so awesome.
michelle
@Alison:
Just wait until he calls you c#nt and then bans you.
It will happen. You think you are dealing with a logical drunk.
You aren’t.
Little Boots
@Suzanne:
yikes.
why do cults get everyone, sooner or later?
Suzanne
@michelle: Can we drop it? It was a one-time fuck-up and he apologized, and he’s taking steps to make it better.
Little Boots
@michelle:
I dunno.
I have truly pissed him off, really, and I’m still here.
but he may have got more short-tempered.
Alison
@michelle: Oh, stop it. Look, I’m a fucking feminist and I hate that word and I was disappointed he used it, but FFS, he’s not Ariel Castro or something. I can forgive a good person for a bad moment. If you can’t, you’re not much better than those you’d disdain.
wasabi gasp
That’s a lot of stuff to trip on.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O20Sljxmy9M
Little Boots
for omnes, who will hate this, but I can’t help it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZGoWtY_h4xo
michelle
@Suzanne: You didn’t get banned, so let’s drop it?
I always liked Cassidy. I always respected his service — which continued unlike Cole’s — he served and then turned into the sotten blob we have now.
But sure. You want to drop it. OK.
Suzanne
@Alison: Word.
Little Boots
@Alison:
john as ariel?
seriously?
Yatsuno
@michelle:
You must be a masochist then. You’ve typed it twice so far.
(Doth protesting too much and all that…)
@michelle: I don’t do gratuitous violence.
michelle
@Alison: You act like this is the first time.
Newbie
michelle
@Yatsuno: You left out the cutting part.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Suzanne: Some of the comments last night favorable to AA didn’t give me a warm fuzzy feeling towards AA. I was invited to an AA meeting but was pretty much housebound after my time in the hospital, so it wasn’t much of an option.
@Just Some Fuckhead: Are you suggesting that John continue drinking and make no changes?
michelle
@Suzanne: When was the last time you saw Cassidy post?
Little Boots
@michelle:
michelle, none of my business, I do not know you, but seriously what did john say to piss you off so much?
Alison
@Little Boots: Uh, I was saying he WASN’T that.
@michelle: I’m not a newbie, I’m just not a grudge-holding asshole.
Suzanne
@michelle: I have no idea, I only read the nighttime posts.
michelle
@Alison: It’s clear that you have never had that word said to you. Count yourself lucky.
Batocchio
Best of luck, John.
Little Boots
sorry, Alison, was totally misreading, stupidly.
sorry.
Suzanne
@BillinGlendaleCA: I get that AA is not everyone’s deal. I just don’t buy the attitude I’ve heard from some that AA is dangerous/harmful.
Suzanne
@michelle: I’ve been called a c#nt at least twenty times. Somehow I soldier on.
michelle
@Little Boots: He or some other FPer banned Cassidy. Because a troll sent JC pretty pictures. And Cassidy had the nerve to tell Cole that it was his own damn fault Tunch died.
Little Boots
@Suzanne:
it’s an ugly word.
still.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: Omnes has good tastes in music.
Yatsuno
Continuing the theme of science is cool…
Little Boots
john can be oversensitive, but so can his commenter’s.
how’s that for a politician’s answer?
Karmus
@Little Boots:
Nothing wrong with that. The lower threads are for the abusive ids, the higher threads for the superegos to gather and sing kumbayay.
michelle
@Suzanne: And never stood up for yourself?
Little Boots
can we all love sinead?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iUiTQvT0W_0
Richard Bottoms
I’ve had my own demons to fight. You came to see the light about Iraq, that showed your basic humanity. You got humanity, the rest is just a matter of not giving up, even if you slip and fall.
Alison
@michelle: What in the precise fuck do you know about my life? I have in fact been called that and worse numerous times. What woman hasn’t? And I will gladly rail against its usage, but I will also recognize that people are fucking flawed and we all say and do fucked up shit occasionally. I doubt you’re a paragon of virtue, so maybe you ought to put down those damn stones.
Little Boots
@Karmus:
see? that’s what I say. well, not so well.
Suzanne
@Little Boots: Yes, it is, and I’m always offended. But there are worse things, and John apologized, and is moving forward in a positive direction.
Weird note: I’ve noticed a lot of my gay men friends use that word pretty casually. I know they don’t mean to cause offense, but that word is like conversational napalm.
Howard Beale IV
@BillinGlendaleCA: Ever hear of the term ‘harm reduction’?
BillinGlendaleCA
@michelle: And at that point I learned that Cassidy loved pie.
Yatsuno
@Suzanne: FWIW I don’t. I also don’t use the six letter F word. In any context. A wrong word is a wrong word, but it’s not the end of the universe if someone uses it on very rare occasion.
Suzanne
@michelle: If by “stand up for yourself”, you mean “respond with physical violence”, no, I have not, and will not.
Little Boots
@Suzanne:
honestly, as a gay man, yeah, we do, it’s ugly and we should stop. but it’s almost affectionate. I know no woman sees it that way, and we should stop, but we do not mean it, is all I can say.
but yeah, we should stop. seriously.
michelle
@Alison:
Nothing.
That seems to be your problem.
Also your problem.
The only time a man called me that, I cut him. I won that fight.
JC seems to think it is ok to call anyone that and worse. I don’t think you read the post where JC called out Cassidy. You might have to do some work sister to find it.
Suzanne
@Yatsuno: I wish they wouldn’t use it. I think it’s a bit different when a group takes back their own slur, but male privilege is at work there. I’ve never heard lesbians use it in that context, which indicates that it isn’t OK, IMO.
michelle
@Suzanne: You just let your pit bulls do it for you.
Suzanne
@michelle: Pit BULL, singular.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Howard Beale IV: To which comment reply are you replying to? Suzzane or Fuckhead?
Little Boots
michelle, do you seriously dislike suzanne as much as you seem to? why?
michelle
@Suzanne: Trying to be reasonable. That won’t work. Nor will it bring back Cassidy.
Alison
@michelle: Don’t tell me what my problems are. I did read the post. I just – GASP – feel differently than you do.
Pro-tip: that does not make me wrong. Unless you seriously are so fucking full of yourself that you think your opinions, beliefs, etc, are the only possibly right and good ones. In which case, go fuck yourself.
michelle
@Little Boots: I just want Cassidy back.
Little Boots
@michelle:
who’s cassidy.
is he hot?
Suzanne
@michelle: Well, you’re being pretty damn unreasonable for someone who purports to be trying to be reasonable.
I’m sure Cassidy will be able to come back, if he wants. I don’t know if he’s been banned, but I don’t think anyone has been banned permanently.
Alison
Jesus. John writes this really nice, positive post and some loser jackass has to troll all over it with her navel-gazing obsessive bullshit. WAY TO GO, way to be. You’re great.
Going to bed.
michelle
@Alison: So you are ok with JC calling aout Cassidy for what? Tunch died because of John’s and his brother’s and his sister’s idiocy. So that leads to kill all pitts?
it got Cassidy banned and it well may get me banned again, but seriously.
You think JC is JC?
Little Boots
i dunno, I thought this was a pretty cool conversation.
Little Boots
with both michelle and suzanne.
I did.
michelle
@Alison: You miss the mess and only want to hang on to another drunk getting sober? Seriously?
Little Boots
can we do the weekend song?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyruylD0BWQ
MattR
@michelle: I am pretty sure that if Cassidy were banned any comment that included that nym would fail to post. It is more likely that Cassidy decided to take a break.
Yatsuno
@Suzanne: Trolls gotta troll.
@MattR: He’s not the type to do a GBCW post either. It has been a few days and I hope he’s just lurking. There is also the possibility work is intervening, since he is in a profession with unpredictable hours. I do miss the big lug.
michelle
@Suzanne: You think? Name a thread where you have seen Cassidy. He’s banned.
You think you are special now
Suzanne
@Yatsuno: Some truths are immutable.
Bedtime.
Little Boots
wheels within wheels.
I might be pissed, but I do this shit too. it never makes any sense, but we do it.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: Doesn’t sound bad.
TheOtherWa
John, good for you. If you think alcohol is interfering with the things you want to do, it’s time to deal with the problem. And starting out by talking to your doctor first is an excellent idea.
Btw, I’m a 40 something who misses swimming & bike riding too.
Little Boots
speaking of which, omnes you’re not around, are you?
Little Boots
@BillinGlendaleCA:
it doesn’t. gotta love the neil young.
michelle
@MattR: You are under a wrong impression. You don’t know how these things work.
Little Boots
and,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O1v_7T6p8U
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: Had a sorta GF in college that loved harvest, one song on the album was recorded on campus if I remember correctly.
@Little Boots: Good song.
Goblue72
@michelle: no one gives a shyte about your ultra-sensitive fee-fees.
Show us on the doll where John touched you.
Little Boots
@michelle:
well whatever’s going on, you both seem awesome and I wish you’d stop.
post your favorite song, por favor.
jenn
Awesome, John! Though I have to quibble with you on the pool thing – just go swimming already! You are so not going to be out of place, and presumably you’re going to be in the water, anyway! :) if I may recommend, putting all these things on a list you look at at least once a week – and just decide one thing (or more, of course, but at least one) you can do to move that goal closer to reality. It feels good to move towards them, rather than just dream about them!
Little Boots
@BillinGlendaleCA:
that is one of my favorite albums.
Yatsuno
@jenn: Total agreement on getting in the pool. Once he’s in doing a few laps no one is going to care what he looks like. You’re all there for pretty much the same objective anyway.
jenn
@Yatsuno: It finally dawned on me looking at your post, what GBCW stood for. I’ve seen it a few times, and my degree of puzzlement never rose above my laziness!
Little Boots
more neil:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n2MtEsrcTTs
Yatsuno
@jenn: Heh. That particular acronym was never explained to me then I tried to piece it together. Then someone used it in reference to General Stuck and it went click. One more thing to be grateful to him for.
May need to sneak off here, the power is being odd.
jenn
@Yatsuno: I went swimming recently for the first time in YEARS, and it was awesome. Perfect temperature lake – cold hopping in, and then immediate transition to feeling warm. Not a soul around but me, the pups, and a couple dozen grebes observing me flail from a distance!
Little Boots
michelle, would you please post your favorite song?
and Suzanne?
MattR
@michelle: That is how it used to work. What makes you think it has changed? And John is usually very public when he bans someone, like matoko_chan’s previous nyms many moons ago.
Grover Gardner
You can talk all you want about what a pian in the ass it is to quite drinking. I’ll listen. ;-)
I can’t offer any prescriptions, but I think I can say that all the things you thought you *couldn’t* enjoy without a drink, you’ll find that you can, and enjoy them a lot more because you don’t feel shitty half the time. I used to think I couldn’t sit in my back yard and enjoy the sunset without a martini in my hand, but actually I can. In fact, after a few months you’ll start to wonder where you found the time to do all that drinking. And you’ll actually feel like doing all the things you want to do because you’ll have a lot more energy.
Now I have to quit my other time-suck, smoking. It takes me away from my family (“Not now, sweetheart, Daddy needs to have a cigarette”) and makes me feel crappy too. But I’m really not looking forward to it. I’ll have to rethink my daily habits and the way I spend my time–like reading blogs as an excuse to smoke. Bummer. ;-)
Karmus
I, too, wish I still looked hot while naked.
…Oh, wait. I never did.
I don’t own a couch but I sure am built to ride one. Yee-haw, bab..zzzzz
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: I think Suzzanne headed to sleepyland. It’s in between Fantasyland and Tomorrowland.
Little Boots
@MattR:
he’s ruthless.
but not really.
Little Boots
@BillinGlendaleCA:
i don’t blame her.
so what’s your favorite song?
Jacks mom
Just had a great pickle shot with my first (from my womb) son. do not underestimate the power of whiskey!
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: Don’t know, probably a Beatles song.
Little Boots
@BillinGlendaleCA:
youtube.
Little Boots
fine, more neil, cause i’m in that mood:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVRxdPWV3RM
Little Boots
but I do bet billin has the best song.
Little Boots
or fleetwood:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U_aYibUx1B8
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: When I was walking to the market the other night, listening to songs on my phone; heard ‘For No One’ off of Revolver, hadn’t heard it in years and sound nice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HuphFPEqJqw
michelle
you are left with boots, who had her own scandal here.
Fitting.
Little Boots
@BillinGlendaleCA:
you still didn’t tell your favorite.
Little Boots
@michelle:
I’ve had a lot of scandals here, but will you please post your favorite song?
Little Boots
like this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrZRURcb1cM
love stevie.
Little Boots
oh, damn, you did, billin.
sorry, being dense.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: Probably the set of songs on side 2 of Abbey Road. Starting with ‘You Never Give Me Your Money” and ending with ‘The End’, though you probably need to tack on ‘Her Majesty’ as well for the effect. Individually they’re not complete songs, just snippets bound together.
Little Boots
@BillinGlendaleCA:
love those, and hate when I’m a dip.
but anyway, love those.
Karmus
Here, boots. Not my very favorite, maybe, but certainly a favorite.
And you get the 12-inch version to boot. Hey?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SkdjsY6TKA
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: Stevie sings backup: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k-SjdN6kuew
Little Boots
@Karmus:
nice
NotMax
Never understood the aversion (sometimes repulsion) expressed upon seeing someone overweight at the pool. Or the beach. Or naked, for that matter.
People be people. All shapes, all sizes, have something to recommend them.
It’s as if folks screamed “Take it down!” when a picture of an obviously obese Tunch was put up.
And in the spirit of full disclosure, I’ve been very thin and I’ve been fat, and greatly prefer and am much more content when the latter.
@Cathie from Canada
Except for that “God, grant me”
mumbo-jumbobit.BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: And for the earworm you gave me: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jr4wGFJrSss
Little Boots
@NotMax:
I agree. I actually like nakedity.
fat, thin, I don’t care, but naked is honest.
Little Boots
@BillinGlendaleCA:
that did not hurt me at all.
I kinda like it.
Little Boots
wait, which earworm?
Little Boots
and what’s the deal with michelle? always angry?
JW
@michelle: Awww baby analyst. How very cute.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: Earworms don’t always hurt
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QM7LR46zrQU
Little Boots
YOU are taking me right back to college, and making me date myself.
you bastard.
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
Sorry if I’m repeating what someone else said, but I’m not going to take the time to read 140 comments first…
Cole: SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!
Set a realistic goal or two. If you’re anything like I was (and I see some of me in you) when I quit, you’re going to go through a manic phase. You don’t want to let those highs get too high, because the lows will be even lower. Those deep lows are going to make you want to hit the bottle hard. So slow down, take baby steps.
Little Boots
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again):
he’s taking it slow, or paying it forward, or some shit.
everyone leave johnny alone, he’s making it happenl.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: Hehe, I think we’re about the same age.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dpS4J8HZCLw
Little Boots
@BillinGlendaleCA:
mebbe.
then you have to love stevie. it’s a rule:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mrZRURcb1cM
Little Boots
@BillinGlendaleCA:
plus youi can tell me, am I kind of a dick?
I think I might be kind of a dick.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: I prefer Hotel California to Rumours.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dyw6LZpSOA
Little Boots
@BillinGlendaleCA:
see? polite.
MikeJ
Should Cole actually go swimming? Since he’s pro choice, he may make people uncomfortable in the shower at the YMCA. I don’t understand how it works, but that’s what Santorum said.
Little Boots
I do love hotel california, though.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: I think that requires malicious intent, I’ve never got that vibe.
Little Boots
@MikeJ:
he makes me uncomfortable right here.
but I might be a bit neurotic.
raven
I know he’s not reading this shit anymore. There’s a time limit on a doctoral program.
Little Boots
I am truly not malicious. that is true.
Little Boots
@raven:
but what about the funny … and the love?
why will he deprive himself?
BillinGlendaleCA
@raven: I don’t think UW had one, but 30 years for me would be stretching it.
wonkie
Not an alcoholic but spent most of my life just enough overweight to have no selfconfidence. Weight worked really well as a chastity belt.
How did I lose the weight? I wish I could claim credit. One day my internal weather changed and suddenly I could do things I had been afriad of doing and doing things replaced compulsive eating. I struggled for years but i don’t know how I got over it.
I hope you do some of those things on your list, John. I’m awake now at tow in the morning my time because I am going to do something I am very afraid to do. But I know I have to do it. In a couple of hours it wil be done one way or the other.
I’m a Buddhist, sort of. The Tibetan type, learned from my husband and from books. It’s a very abstract kind of Buddhism, focused on the concept of loving kindness. the bvasic idea is that if one spends one’s energy on appreciation and kindness, looking outward, then the internal crap kind of gets left behind. Iin other words, innstead of thinking, “I have to stop this or that’, the practice is to do the appreciating and the kindness so that the focus is away from self and toward others and life.
I’m not very good at it, but it is helpful to me to practice thinking that way. Helps me stay out of funks.
Good luck to you. You always describve yourself as such an asshole but what I have observed is a very loving generous kindhearted person.
Little Boots
@BillinGlendaleCA: don’t engage.
oh, wait, I engaged.
Little Boots
i like john.
I like booze.
I like boozey john.
I like boozey me.
raven
@BillinGlendaleCA: I took 6 years to finish mine and I know there was a limit at Georgia. It’s funny how many things that are on that list are things that I did when I quit.
Little Boots
I also like tears for fears:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ni_c0IMP-c
Little Boots
raven, I’m being kind of a dick. I apologize.
Another Holocene Human
It is worth it. When my Grandpa, Himself, thinks about drinking, he has orange juice and chips and salsa instead. Sometimes he indulges himself with a Buckler, which is an alcohol free beer that tastes like a beer. Even though he’s had two hips replaced and plenty of other shit happen in the last ten years, he’s been doing the things he wants to do, driving to Central IL every other day and planting a fruit orchard, tending roses, tinkering on the computer.
With a giant caveat that the comments and the forums on MarksDailyApple.com are truly awful, it’s a great site to get recipes, workouts, and inspiration if you’re trying to get back into shape. Every Friday they post a new story. It’s a low Omega-6, low grain diet, which some people find helps. I found the exercise stuff I found there really accessible as a pretty much non-athlete. I mean, I did competitive sports in high school but that was the end of it. And lots of the Friday stories had personal touches on making physical activity non-boring.
I don’t think I’m alcohol dependent, but sometimes I am guilty of using alcohol as an emotional crutch when my anxiety gets too bad. But I definitely throw myself into addictive, avoidant behavior patterns (too much internet, for one) when there’s stuff in my life I can’t handle. It’s a constant struggle. I wish I didn’t have this mood disorder.
raven
@Another Holocene Human: Fuck that alcohol free shit, you’re either on the bus or off the bus.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: Figured it was that song.
Little Boots
@BillinGlendaleCA:
ja like it?
raven
BillinGlendaleCA
@raven: Free alcohol, where?
BillinGlendaleCA
@Little Boots: Yup, grad school time for me.
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
@Little Boots:
That everyone left him alone is a factor in him getting to this point in the first place.
Depression is a bitch, manic depression more so. I’ve been dealing with the former for a while, but I experienced the latter for the first year or so after I gave up the sauce. Not fun. Wish I’d had someone around who’d dealt with it previously- or, rather, that someone who’d dealt with it talked about it. That someone was sorely missing from meetings I attended.
Little Boots
@raven:
I think I’m off the bus.
Lurker
@michelle:
Gee! You have some serious anger issues. Get some help!
Little Boots
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again):
I agree. depression sucks. going through it with no alcohol … crazy.
raven
@BillinGlendaleCA: I’m thinking back to all the support and encouragement I had when I quit and then I recall some of the shit I took from buddies. One time I ran into my dreadlocked savant carpenter pal. He got dead in my shit with “you quit drinking, lost weight and are doing great. WHO GIVES A FUCK??”! Cole will have to put up with that here.
Little Boots
@raven:
can’t imagine, but whatever makes him better. really.
BillinGlendaleCA
@raven: Probably true, but then again there are those of us who’ve been there. Most of the critics haven’t.
raven
@BillinGlendaleCA: Jesus, all my LA peeps on Facebook went ape shit last night over the fucking Dodger game!
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
@Little Boots:
Meh. There are ways, other than alcohol, to battle depression. Having sunshine blown up your ass at AA meetings by successful 12-steppers might work for some people. Worked for me while I was at meetings, but a few hours later, or when I was stuck at work the next morning….Notsomuch. But despite the mood swings, I never went back to alcohol as a quick fix. It was too much of a contributing factor to my depression. It was part of the positive feedback loop.
BillinGlendaleCA
@raven: Saw the recap on the local news, great come back. I usually hear the fireworks after the games, but I took a nap.
raven
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again): You mean the best way to handle depression isn’t to dump a neurological depressant on it?
raven
@BillinGlendaleCA: I love poking them with reports of my Braves 14th straight win! My brother is such a die-hard LA fan. He still follows the Rams all these years later.
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
@raven:
Yes. that is what I mean. But seeing as it’s Global Don’t Use Five Syllable Words Day…
BillinGlendaleCA
@raven: Oh, the Anaheim Rams?
Then again, we still have a pro team here in LA, they’re called the U$C Trojans.
raven
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again): Damn, I’m watching this home improvement show and they are making toilets that are 17 instead of 14 inches high!
NotMax
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
How discombobulating.
Skippy-san
@Cathie from Canada: That’s just another one of those not so witty sayings from AA that don’t mean a damn thing. I know more than I ever want to about AA-I’m one of its victims. Spent a few years in its clutches doing the bullshit things they would have you do-and having others think they have a right to tell you how to live your life. I finally was able to escape from it and take ownership of my own life. And that’s the key-I run my life and not anyone else. If I want a drink I am having one or ten-and its my choice. Not some “siren song” from a substance.
Every year in America, millions are forced into the “program”-many times with terrible results for their psychological well being. There is no dry drunk syndrome, no alcoholic personality, no disease, and being angry is a normal emotion. One that fuels our ability to accomplish difficult tasks, and allows us to feel content or joyous at other times. It is possible through your own determination and a loyalty to yourself. That’s what I learned; to believe in myself and not let others tell me how to live my life. Bill W and Dr. Bob can take the Big Book and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.
BillinGlendaleCA
@raven: Easier for those of us who are more “mature” to get off the shitter.
raven
@Skippy-san: When I quit I knew this chick that was n AA. At some gig she showed me her poker chip and told me I hadn’t really quit if I didn’t do AA. I see her around and, while I think she is doing well, she drinks. I don’t.
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
@raven:
WTF?!?! LOL!
I think someone has to research the history of the growth of the toilet and see if it tracks with the population getting taller.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Skippy-san: Now don’t hold back on us, tell us what you really think about AA.
NotMax
@BillinGlendaleCA
If science would get off its duff and perfect the transporter, we wouldn’t need toilets at all…
“Beam it out, Scotty.”
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
@NotMax:
It was, uh, updated- or downgraded- to five syllables.
Because at almost 6 am EDST, yours truly has a hard time counting.
raven
@Skippy-san: When I quit I knew this chick that was n AA. At some gig she showed me her coin and told me I hadn’t really quit if I didn’t do AA. I see her around and, while I think she is doing well, she drinks. I don’t.
raven
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again): Kohler Comfort Height.
raven
You know what pisses me off? The World Fishing Network isn’t HD!
BillinGlendaleCA
@raven:
That’s the attitude that bothers me, I’ve even seen it here the past few days.
NotMax
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
So now my riposte looks like a misapprehension. :)
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
@raven:
I need to take the Kohler tour the next time I go to Green Bay for a game. I think I’ve heard that they let you sample the stools.
BillinGlendaleCA
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again): They take stool samples, ewww.
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
@BillinGlendaleCA:
Yeah, I know. It was a shitty joke.
ETA: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ji-cT58rgNc
raven
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again): I was thinking about that, I’ve never seen anyone test driving a shitter in the Home Deport! We’ve come a long way from burnin and stirrin!
NotMax
Pretty pristine thread up top. Pass it on.
BillinGlendaleCA
@raven:
They do have, I’m sure, a number of undocumented folk hanging around the local Home Depot.
Alex S.
Good for you John, I knew you had these steps in you. Now do them, one by one.
TriassicSands
Why not “Dear Diary?”
Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again)
And as some of you are flipping between home improvement and low def fishing programming, I’ve got a classic Soul Train rerun on. Forgot all about this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5bilSAZXBI
Keith G
@raven: We had those tall toilets in the farmhouse I grew up in. One of our grandmothers lived with us. She had mobility issues. As a youngster, I always was thought it was strange that other people’s toilets were so short.
John Cole – Several moons ago, I commented on your emotional ups and down, your cycling between depressed and manic states. I got dumped on mightily by the faithful. Se la vie.
I felt that I could comment since I have “been there” and now a lot of my effort now is spent cleaning up the messes that I caused during the time when I was too caught up in my own thoughtless flailing (and often too high on whatever substance was at hand) to see the minefields I was laying down and then walking into. Or maybe I did see them and just didn’t fucking care. That happens since being buzzed/high/whatever can be (initially) so fucking fun.
A quick Google shows me that your hometown has many counseling services nearby. Someday, you may come to a notion that researching, checking out, and then using a counselor (who matches up with your needs) is a good thing.
Changing self medication is best done when also searching beneath the hood and looking at where the “need/desire” comes from. Sometimes the answers are really quite simple.
I am incredibly easy to get in touch with and always willing to chat.
Thlayli
Fuck that. I swim in public places all the time. Don’t like my disgusting fatbody? Don’t look.
raven
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again): You proly aren’t into this but Smokey and Daryl doin Sara Smile and going right into ooo, Baby Baby is fucking killer.
Linda
Dear Mr. Cole and the BalloonJuice Community,
Just as a point of interest, this longtime lurker reads the site because sometimes I just need a dose of simple conversation … some chat about the pets, a look at the menu, some thoughts on life … I like it that the regulars here are generally kind to each other. There’s a strong thread of decency and compassion that runs through here. Maybe that is why people who are closely acquainted with struggle appreciate the place. Go safely. ~L
MomSense
John Cole, I go to the Y all the time and trust me you can go swimming now. There are people of all shapes and sizes and no one cares if you start out heavy, well maybe the high school swim teams but you don’t have to go when they are there. My local Y has some pool exercise classes especially for people who are struggling with weight so go now!
You don’t have to wait to do many of the things on your list and doing them can help you to get well. Sobriety is a process. Without the alcohol, there are lots of emotions that come up and it is helpful to have people and a routine in place before that happens.
Mystical Chick
FWIW, Mr. Cole – I’m not an alcoholic nor do I have a problem with same and I’ve never even smoked pot (I am probably the only person alive who has not – it just never appealed to me – hate smoking) but I sympathize and support you just the same. :) So there. Phtttbt! (as Bill the Cat would say)
Also too: Crossfit, dude. When you’re ready, it’s going to really jazz you. I feel it in my woo-bones. Keep making these lists and refer to them when you need to.
I can almost feel you come back to life in these posts and I think Tunch’s death and your subsequent love for Steve has really awakened you, in some way.
Just keep walking. No matter what comes, keep feeling it, processing it and walking.
/advice
Just One More Canuck
As a non-alcoholic, I certainly have no right to tell you the best way to stop drinking. Whatever works for you is great.
Although staying away from CNN is good advice for anybody
Sarah in Brooklyn
I like your goals, John. Doing physical stuff is a great idea – of course, I’m a personal trainer, so I’d say that. Swimming is the best – I’m going today, in fact.
I learned TM a long, long time ago and avoided all the culty parts, and I truly think it changed my life. It’s a simple technique. You don’t have to buy into the surrounding hype.
I hope you accomplish everything you want to. I’m rooting for you.
HelloRochester
For swimming, don’t be afraid to wear a rash guard shirt- I’m a fatbody who enjoys water and when I found 2X Rash Guard shirts, it was great. It slows you down a lot if you’re doing laps, but fatties doing laps aren’t looking to break Olympic times or anything.
TomG
1, All your ideas sound good and you should definitely get going on doing them.
2. I know you aren’t JC because we have solid evidence that you actually exist, and when you die, no one will claim you rose 3 days later.
3. Not sure why so many people keep dragging up dead thread topics. Even on an open thread, it’s been days, folks, can we stop with the “lets bash John over the head again with the pit bull argument”? (Notice I’m not saying which side of that argument I fall on).
EDIT 4. Even though I brought up Bill W., I definitely don’t think AA is the sole answer for all recovering folks. They focus only on “not drinking”, and some individual groups are too eager to discourage seeking professional help for related problems that will help improve your living.
ThresherK
It slows you down a lot if you’re doing laps, but fatties doing laps aren’t looking to break Olympic times or anything.
I never learned to flip turn, and go to swim laps for the Zen exhaustion. But I draw the line at “training suits” to add resistance. Even though I’m not pretending to train for a race, aren’t I already doing the “slow and steady” thing enough?
(Disclaimer: I’m not tubby.)
J. Anton
Getting outdoors, riding a bike, running and lifting will all go a long way on your recovery. One thing to aware of is you can do all those things and still be a high functioning alcoholic, as I was. What got me on track was weekly work with a therapist who specialized in substance abuse, my parents and my kids.
This will be a hard road John, but know you have loads of support and folks rooting for you.
jayboat
@raven:
Seen that sh!t story a few times, myself. I think so much of it has to do with willpower. Make your choice, set your course and go do it, man. You don’t need someone else to tell you what is best for you.
More from my own personal experience than others, probably. I’ve gone through periods when I was in my 20’s that I drank a lot, and a few years when I made the mistake of dating an alcoholic. (I was weak at the time).
I realize everyone is different, and for me it was never a problem to stop, or at least slow down to a crawl. I also think a lot has to do with environment and your life habits. Geez, when I lived on a barrier island for 10 years, there were about 5 bars there and that was all there was to do if you weren’t out fishing. It was one of the main reasons I sold my business and moved- I wasn’t involved with anyone so there really wasn’t much else to do.
What I’m saying is, good to hear your mind is running in this direction, Cole. I wish you the best. One old saw I’ve always liked is- ‘the best way to break old habits is to start new ones’. If you’re serious about it, and it sounds like you are- I hope you find that special something you enjoy to fill your time. You have the smarts and certainly the strong will to do whatever you wanna do.
and, of course, as my post number 200-something, ya gots no shortage of advice comin at ya now. and all of us are right, all the time.
ps- biking can be a blast, but if it is fairly hilly in your part of the world, it can be a real chore getting into it, and into the shape you need for hills. Living in fla I don’t have that issue. Hit the gym or just leash the girls and start running em around the neighborhood- they will always be able to outrun your fat ass no matter how skinny you think you are.
Josie
@MomSense:
That is such sensible, logical advice. A water exercise program would be helpful with weight loss and relaxing at the same time. Water is a great medium in which to move, especially with some of John’s past injuries and hurts. I used to swim in the early morning when we had a pool and it was the best part of my day.
SiubhanDuinne
@raven: I don’t understand the p0ker chip (coin) reference.
SiubhanDuinne
@raven:
@SiubhanDuinne:
Never mind, I googled it and found out. Had never heard of the chip thing, and I know plenty f folks in AA.
Msskwesq
@John Cole: thank you for setting THAT straight.
master c
Bikes and swimming are for people of every age and body type. Do not put off doing those things any longer. As a woman, I own the word cunt. I love to say it. It can describe bitchy men and women.
gnomedad
Not an alcoholic, but a chronic procrastinator. So you’re inspiring me, too.
dewzke
My dog this thread had some shit going on in it.
debit
John, your sister is an avid cyclist, right? Bet she’d love a riding buddy. If you need to get a bike, think about a steel frame; Jamis and Surly both have several models and styles to choose from. Don’t listen to anyone who tries to talk you into a more expensive lightweight bike. Steel rides better than aluminum or carbon and frankly, the weight of your bike shouldn’t be a concern until your own weight is no longer a factor.
There’s lots of good advice in this thread, so I’ll just add that as far as the drinking goes, whatever works for you will work for you. For me, giving up booze was harder than giving up cigarettes, but years later I can drink casually (meaning about three times a year) and not worry about it becoming a problem again. But if I have one cigarette, I’ll be back at a pack a day within a week.
And yes, if you love swimming, go to the damn pool and swim. No one cares, and if they do, fuck ’em.
Valdivia
It’s amazing to read that list John–a candid, even brutal, look at the things you are missing, but also the life that awaits you as you begin your new path.
I think going back to swimming will be a blast for you–I took swimming up again after many years and it is the one physical activity that totally disconnects me from the stress of my life. Like a gliding moment of zen, even if you’re pushing yourself physically.
Good luck with it all.
Jean
Yeah, my little sister always had a reason why she should stop drinking, but not right away, the time wasn’t quite right. She’s dead now.
BruceFromOhio
And for the record, we have a hundred categories and I could not find one that made sense other than the open thread.
If you ever marvel at how many people read this stuff and wonder why, well, that’s why.
You’re one of the good guys, Cole. Don’t ever forget that.
John Cole
@michelle: cassidy has not been banned, jackass.
Valdivia
@Another Holocene Human:
I would also recommend SparkPeople (I know, that name is awful!) as a site for keeping track of what you eat and getting back into shape. They have good low cal/low fat recipes and tons of videos and work out ideas. Keeping track is truly the best way to know how you’re doing on that front.
Also–buy a pedometer. It’s a nice way of making you move. I bought the cheapest FitBit on the market and it syncs with SparkPeople so it keeps track of your movement automatically. :)
NCgumbo
Good luck, John. Sounds like you are on the right track with your list. I think one of the hardest parts about any major changes we might want to make in our lives is actually imagining what that change would look like in concrete terms. I mean, obviously, in this case, it’s “I wouldn’t be drinking,” but then, like you said, WTF are you going to do to fill the previously occupied hours?
It can be hard even to remember what else is fun to do. So swimming and biking and just walking outside are great for a whole host of reasons. And I’d second the support for meditation. I started just by checking out some books from the library about mindfulness meditation, and it has helped me on and off over the years (helps when I actually do it).
Just try not to beat yourself up for not doing everything on your list all at once. And you can always expand your list as you open up to new things.
Anyway, I wanted you to know that have really appreciated your blog over the past handful of years. You have fostered a good community here. Thanks, and very best wishes to you.
Svensker
You know, you can start doing a lot of those things now. Join the Y and start swimming — it will help get your body svelte and strong and also be a time when you won’t be thinking about drinking.
Volunteer at the soup kitchen now.
Start doing the crossword in the morning with your coffee now.
Some of the things you can’t do until you’re clean but others? Why wait?
Today is the first day….
Labrachow
Best book ever on meditation. The author is wonderful to listen to as well. You can check out some of his links on youtube.
http://www.amazon.com/Meditation-Little-Wisdom-Harper-Francisco/dp/0062511149/ref=sr_1_4?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1376141100&sr=1-4&keywords=sogyal+rinpoche
All the best to you, John. You’ll get through this and whatever else comes your way.
MazeDancer
It is very clear you love Life, John Cole. And so many of the things in it. This is a huge blessing. Many people are working hard just to get to that feeling. May your joys nurture you over the rough terrain to come.
You have many, many, many things to offer women you may date. But loving Life is one of the biggest and best possible. Another is you don’t hide your baggage. Lot of people are so misinformed about themselves they are ashamed of their baggage, and pretend everything’s fine. And won’t talk about their stuff. So it comes out in other ways. You have a big heart, love animals, like to cook, have a huge brain, and a great sense of humor. When you are ready to open the door a little, women will be lining up to knock on it. But one step at a time. Detox is always a good idea before the second date.
Consider punk Buddhist or Veteran Buddhist groups. People who don’t blindly follow authority but believe in kindness and change. And as others have said, you don’t need no transcendental in your meditation. But meditation – even just focusing on your breath going in and out for five minutes a day – is gigantically helpful. It helps change the brain chemistry.
Redshirt
Wow! John responding to a post at 9AM? Things are changing.
Good luck John. All the advice you’ll get boils down to this: Don’t drink today.
Well, that is, when it’s safe for you to stop. The DT’s are a hell of a thing.
I'mNotSureWhoIWantToBeYet
Be careful if/when you start swimming again. There can be hidden hazards…. ;-)
One day at a time.
Cheers,
Scott.
gnomedad
Mindfulness in Plain English is also good. Free (and legal, AFAIK) downloads here. Forget the “transcendental” stuff; just meditate.
AdamK
I’m not a recovering alcoholic. I’m just fat and lazy because I am.
I don’t like alcohol, but my cardiologist told me to drink a glass of red wine every day. I have to confess some days I forget to, or just skip because I don’t feel like it. Or I run out of red wine.
Biscuits
@Keith G:
What Keith G said. My husband quit drinking on his own after 15 years of nightly heavy drinking. I was, am, so proud of him. I have since come to learn that physical sobriety is not enough. There is also the emotional sobriety that must be dealt with. His coping mechanisms needed to be addressed. He has suffered from depression his entire life. I don’t know anyone who can “quit” depression. He won’t go to counseling despite my encouragement. Maybe facing the reasons for his addiction and the wreckage it has caused in his life is too daunting. I don’t know. But sobriety without reflection, for our family, has been as rough as the drinking times.
I guess I would just say John, educate yourself about addiction and how it affects your whole self, physical and mental. I think you’ll have a better shot at success. Wishing you the best!
gogol's wife
Anyone who skips these threads is not a lover of fine literature.
shelly
Add to the list”
Grow a small pumpkin patch. They’re surprisingly soothing.
I'mNotSureWhoIWantToBeYet
(I haven’t read all the comments yet.)
You’ve got a big list. I used to like to make big lists, too. It didn’t help me much – in fact it sometimes made things worse (“Why are you still working on these things – they were on your list 10 years ago?! Why can’t you finish anything!?”)…
Time is the issue.
“There never seems to be enough time to do the things you want to do, once you find them…” Time in a Bottle.
Unless you’re one of the rare people who can thrive on 2 hours of sleep a night, and read 10,000 WPM, etc., etc., then there’s never enough time to do the things you think you want to do.
I think a lot of Buddhism is bunk, or at least is misinterpreted in the West, but the idea that “desire is the root of all suffering” is a good one – in moderation. If you have a huge list of things that you want to do that you keep around, it’s going to be a monkey on your back. You can’t do everything – at least not all at once. It becomes easier to recognize that as you get older, but it’s still hard to give up on things that you think “I should be able to/I want to do this.”
I was inspired by da Vinci when I was a kid. I wanted to know how to do just about everything – art, science, literature, manipulating the environment. I wanted to be an astronaut. And a racecar driver. And … I was a voracious reader. I still buy far too many books, but I’ve come to accept that many I will never do more than skim. But I’m Ok with that because I’ve rationalized that I’m supporting an author I like. DaVinci didn’t have a TV or a MMOG or the Internet blaring at him for 10+ hours a day. ;-)
If you really want to accomplish the things on your list, you’re probably going to have to radically change the way you schedule your day. Does it make sense to hire someone to do housework or yard work? Does it make sense to become a BDFL for B-J and ration your time to a few minutes a week? Does it make sense to spend less time cooking and preparing parties for friends? Can you really spare an hour or more a day for swimming or bike riding if you’re doing all the other things? Do smaller changes make more sense in achieving a realistic goal?
We’re all here a relatively short time. Don’t make things hard on yourself by convincing yourself that you “should” be able to do the impossible. Yes, have goals in mind, but make them achievable and realistic.
tl;dr – Don’t overdo the “want to do”s.
Best of luck with your journey.
Cheers,
Scott.
RaflW
Hey John, late to the party but~
Just wanna say again, AA can work. Some people think its a cult. Whatever. The great thing about it is that each meeting has its own personality, try a lot of different ones, go several times to any meeting before writing it off.
People do get sober without AA, too. I think it would be more difficult, but I know people do it. Some of them end up incredibly ornery bastards like Dubya Bush.
To me the thing is, AA – in particular the people I meet there, not necessarily the meetings themselves – create the company, the community that made my life more fun while I was figuring all this out and rebuilding my life.
Now days most of my friends are not in AA, though I maintain a weekly meeting and a few close AA friends.
I have a great non-AA partner, good circles of friends, plenty to do. But AA helped me get here, didn’t turn me into a cultist (though I do know people who exclusively date, socialize and hang out w/ AAs. That would not work for me, and I can see how that can seem cultish. But I don’t judge another person’s ability to stay sober within their own constraints, that’s their deal).
Anyway, its good to have that list of things you want to do, John, but easy does it, too.
Moe Gamble
Terrific list, John. I mean it. Perfect.
While you’re getting it together to become a foster dad (you would be a wonderful father) maybe think about joining the Big Brother program. There are kids out there dying for attention but it’s not the full-time parental commitment.
Bukowski switched to red wine and then tapered. My mother cut back gradually and now has one glass of red wine a day. Another friend swears by AA. I know you’ll find your way.
I’m excited for you.
Moe Gamble
Also too, be as kind to yourself as you are to Lily, Rosie and Steve. When you’re beating yourself up, ask yourself if you would treat Lily that way, and if not, stop it.
beergoggles
I don’t know when enjoying life’s indulgences in moderation went out of style, but yeah, I’m still doing that. It’s not even about willpower anymore – after the first half a century of your life it becomes habit.
Edit: And speaking of Buddhism, the whole philosophy is based around self-control, moderation and taking the middle road.
Felonius Monk
@gogol’s wife:
Are these notes for a new Joyce Carol Oates novel?
Violet
John, it sounds like you’re on the right track. I am not a recovering alcoholic, so I don’t have a lot of experience with what you’re going through, although I’ve watched others deal with it. I’m impressed you’ve put it all out there. Part of that might be you holding yourself accountable, but you know what? Whatever it takes to get you to where you want to be.
Wanted to mention that a friend of mine used hypnosis to quit smoking and it worked great for him. He also quit drinking after the doctor told him he had to or his liver would fail on him. Not sure if he used the hypnosis for that or not. He did end up going to counseling after a year or so and has found that incredibly helping. He took up neuro linguistic programming (NLP) on his own via finding some videos online and that really helped him deal with some of the core issues that led him to self-medicate.
These days he’s into meditation, swimming, mountain biking and generally being healthy. He’s pursuing a new career and doing quite well. It can be done. I’ve got confidence you can do it.
handsmile
@gogol’s wife:
Thanks for that laugh! While reading through the early morning comments here, I wondered whether it wasn’t an excerpt from an unpublished work from the Grove Press archive.
It appears now, however, that caffeinated order has been restored.
Raenelle
All I have is my own experience, but it would have been a mistake for me to keep drinking while I waited for a rehab. I could be wrong, but it seemed to me then that there was a very tiny window of willingness, a very easily shut window. For alcoholics, one of the primary strategies to protect the drink is denial that you’re really an alcoholic. It took me two times to get sober. The first time I lasted 2 months without a drink, and then I convinced myself that I was just a heavy drinker. That little lie meant, it turned out, 5 more years of very ugly, grey, shameful drunkenness.
Here’s a couple of things they say in AA. After you’ve been sober for a bit ( a month, a year, it depends on the person), you’ll wonder how you ever had time to drink. Your life fills up. I’ve been sober for almost 34 years, and that means, truly, that I haven’t been bored for 33 years. Not once.
Also, they tell us not to list the way we want our lives to look in sobriety. The reason, they say, is that we would short-change ourselves. Sobriety is so much more than just not being drunk.
But the way to begin is very, very simple: ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Mike
I want John to look good naked, too.
SIA
Direct personal experience, got sober in AA in 1980 amd learned TM in 1990. TM is not a scam in any sense. I’ve been meditating twice a,day for 23 years and I couldn’t imagine life without it. I was never able to meditate until I learned TM.
The benefits of TM are well documented. It is an effortless, non-religious and non-spiritual method of reaching the meditative state.
Had no idea we had so many recovering drunks here at BJ! Would love to have a weekly sobriety/mental health thread to hang out with all my fellow travelers.
schrodinger's cat
Not an alcoholic, but a lot of your list resembles my own including the ABD part. If you don’t mind my asking why didn’t you finish? If Brian May can do it so can you and I, he is an inspiration to all us ABDs. I had to put my life on hold in the mid 00s to nurse a loved one from stage IV Non Hodgkins Lymphoma.
SIA
@RaflW: What you said.
Jeremy
I’m greatly admiring and supportive of your recent posts.
Let me recommend “Hardcore Zen” as an excellent – geared toward the layman – book about Buddhism.
http://www.amazon.com/Hardcore-Zen-Monster-Movies-Reality/dp/086171380X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1376147713&sr=8-1&keywords=hardcore+zen
Rachel B.
Fabulous list! Remember not to try to do it all in one day, or one year.
One more thing I would add to it: something to do with your hands. Even if you think you hate “craft projects”–find one that you can stand to do. You don’t have to have everything in your house covered with cutesy tchotchkes, I promise. I knit and crochet, and find those extremely helpful, even nineteen years since my last drink. You can do this while doing other things, even, such as watching True Blood or Breaking Bad. Or whatever.
Find a yarn store and see if they offer lessons or a knitting/crocheting group; get someone to show you the basics if at all possible. Then just run with it. It is entirely possible to crochet a great number of toys for dogs and cats, by the way; knit them too. I have done it. And there are always groups collecting “caps for cancer patients”, “hats for the homeless”, or “Linus blankets”. Not to mention “Hugs”, which are little acrylic 12″ by 12″ knit or crocheted pieces used in shelters to make the cats feel more comfortable. I promise, the cats will not care if you miss a stitch or if the piece is not perfect.
One of the best crocheters I ever knew was a retired engineer, male. I am certain you will not have trouble turning up your nose at anyone who dares sneer at you.
Highway Rob
@shelly: Has to be a sincere pumpkin patch, or else the Great Pumpkin won’t come.
SIA
@Raenelle: We have the same amt of sobriety time. Mine is Jan 12, 1980. Will never forget the morning I woke up at my bottom.
DitchDigger
You are starting from a good place, at least you currently do things like garden, play with the pets, eat what appears to be fairly healthy, socialize with friends over dinner etc.. I was at the point where it was work, go home, isolate and binge, while telling myself I was being ‘social’ because I was ‘talking’ with people online.
Google AVRT crash course and watch the little slideshow, it looks at it more from a physiological perspective and doesn’t involve meetings or spirituality or 12 steps or higher powers (there is a reason like 80% of AA meetings are held in churches).
glaukopis
Learn a language – then visit a country where it’s spoken. I still think the ideal way to spend retirement would be to spend 9 months learning a language intensively, then 3 months in the country, and a new language and country every year.
I also decided on a literary bucket list – all those books I meant to read, or did read but it was for a class and so too hasty or I was too young to appreciate it. War and Peace was really outstanding.
Birthmarker
@Temporarily Max McGee (soon enough to be Andy K again): You didn’t miss a damn thing.
The hardest part about walking into the gym for the first time is thinking it’s going to be all john travolta and olivia newton john, when in fact it is people rehabbing from strokes, harried moms of young children, folks who rolled on over prior to showering or putting on makeup, and other assorted out of shape people who are trying to improve themselves.
Ruckus
Started to read the post because I think it is a very good one.
Stopped rather soon as it was invaded by obnoxious children almost immediately.
So one thing you could do is ban people like michelle who never has anything positive to say and makes me want to leave. Which may be the point. On the other hand little boots occasionally has something to say but 99% of the time you have to wade through so much waste to get there it’s not worth it. It’s like being a
plumberengineer working 60 hrs a week and never working on anything but clogged gas station toilets. For minimum wage.betly
Another damn alcoholic checking in.
In my personal experience, the impulse to turn into an awesome human being is something that always, and I mean always, occurs during times when I’m near my alcoholic bottom.
Nothing wrong with it, but sometimes I wonder if it’s an avoidance mechanism.
I’d recommending concentrating on the task at hand, building a life that doesn’t include alcohol. Saving the world can wait a little while.
Happy travels, my friend.
Linnaeus
11 years for me, and I’m still working on it. If I can, so can you.
gogol's wife
@Felonius Monk:
You know what, I should have said “posts,” not “threads.” I hadn’t read the thread yet!
My two cents re the AA- non-AA thing is, I cannot believe that there is only one true path to sobriety. I have no experience with this, but it’s just not humanly possible that you have to join a particular organization in order to give up drinking.
gogol's wife
@handsmile:
See my comment #270!
gogol's wife
@glaukopis:
Great idea. Better yet, learn Russian and read War and Peace.
I also thought learning to play an instrument would be good.
I would be so excited if John started doing crossword-puzzle posts. Then I wouldn’t have to resort to Rex Parker all the time.
farmette
Have you read “Drinking: A Love Story” by Caroline Knapp? It’s a brutally honest and pretty amazing memoir of a woman’s relationship and struggles with alcohol. Caroline Knapp was a high functioning drunk with a well read newspaper column.
Go swimming. A decade ago I put on a swimsuit and stood in shock when I saw myself in a mIrror. I was in the changing room at the pool. I walked to the pool area and stepped into this large, noisy, busy place full of people of all ages and shapes. And no one noticed me. Swimming exercises mind, body and soul. All the very best to you John.
am
Well… if you’re going to follow through on this, you can probably justify adding a new category. You might end up posting about it again a couple of times. And you do own the joint. In all seriousness, congrats.
Lurker
@John Cole:
Michelle has anger issues, and she’s obsessional about them. Frankly, she is really tiresome. Don’t pay any attention to her.
Jay C
@Little Boots:
BTW, thanks for the Neil Young YouTube link: it led me to find my absolutest favoritest NY track EVAH – “The Last Dance ” – and, to boot, an explanation* of why I have been unable to find this track anywhere for the past several decades, since I lost the vinyl album some time in the last century.
*”Time Fades Away” has apparently, by Neil Young’s choice, never been transferred to CD – for some reason he didn;t think it was good enough (?)
Oh, and 275 posts: and no one has even wondered about the “juggling”???
Ruckus
@gogol’s wife:
You are 100% correct.
Just like there is no one true religion or lack of one at all.
gogol's wife
@Ruckus:
Right.
gogol's wife
@Jay C:
I hope the juggling doesn’t start with knives.
The Moar You Know
Well, Cole, you seem to have more than your fair share of psychotic batshit stalkers. If I had to put up with even a quarter of the abuse that’s been directed at you in this thread, I’d be drinking too and I don’t even like booze.
The internet isn’t exactly helpful for one’s mental health anyway. Like you with the booze, I’m cutting way back on the web and anticipate quitting fairly soon. I’d turn the blog keys over to one of the many other great front pagers you have here and walk away for a few months. That’s me. Maybe not you, but think about it.
As to swimming, I left “good looking” behind at least 35 pounds ago and now look like a manatee. Fuck anyone who has a problem with what I look like. Manatees are cute. Swimming is good for you.
On the internet, there is nothing but rage and frustration and despair. Leave it behind, go forth and live in the world of growing things and sunshine, as mankind was meant to.
PIGL
@michelle: Ah….so this is about the Pit Bull worship. Why not take your crusade and stick it were the sun don’t shine? Because you are not making points here.
The Moar You Know
@Jay C: This may not be an issue with him thinking the song is not good enough. Neil has some well documented – and IMO as a long-time working musician idiotically incorrect – issues with his dislike of digital media and sound quality. But it’s his catalog and he can do what he likes with it.
Jay C
@The Moar You Know:
Not the song, If I read correctly, but the whole album (live) – dunno. Maybe it is a (sound-)quality issue? Still too bad that TFA isn’ t readily available.
@gogol’s wife:
Or chainsaws.
Raenelle
@SIA: Nice to meet you SIA. My sobriety date is 9/22/1979. That bottom for me, which I didn’t correctly name for a few years, was an intense, pervasive self-hatred, with the realization that that grim numbness had been going on for years, and would continue. Nothing dramatic–just another humiliating one-night stand, a hangover, and a smell of alcohol coming out of my pores which I couldn’t wash away–like most nights over the past few years. I had no hope for AA, but I just couldn’t go on like that. Within a half hour of my first meeting, I was in tears, because I realized how much hope for the future was in that room. I’ll never forget either.
kc
Surely some of us are practicing alcoholics.
handsmile
@The Moar You Know: , @Jay C: ,
Delighted to find other fans of “Time Finds Away,” album and/or song. Certain lyrics from the track “Don’t Be Denied” on that album must be among the most-played songs on my memory’s jukebox for the past 40 (gulp!) years. Fortunately I still have the vinyl, but replacing the busted turntable is one of those projects that just never seems to get done.
Here’s the Encyclopedia Wikipedia’s entry on the the album:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Time_Fades_Away
(N.B. thls statement on why it was never released on CD: “Young has often cited his unfavorable memories of the tour as the main reason that the record has not been reissued.”)
SIA
@Raenelle:
Yep, sounds exactly right. Very glad to meet you.
SectarianSofa
@Labrachow:
Another good one:
http://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Plain-English-Anniversary-Edition/dp/0861719069
There are previous editions or parts of them online, per the Google.
Draylon Hogg
@Suzanne: On the bright side here in the UK you can’t be sued for libel for calling someone a cunt. Once you start using nuanced language rather than Anglo Saxon expletives is when you become fair game.
Cunt means sheath for a small knife.
SectarianSofa
@betly:
I wonder if the impulse to do all the great stuff one thinks one should be doing is tied to the shame-guilt of not achieving the necessary awesomeness, etc., etc..
But I still recommend doing awesome things, just try not to be beating yourself up over failing. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing badly (except when it isn’t, but fuck it anyway, and suck if you’re going to suck. There is dignity in failing well.)
Draylon Hogg
I haven’t been on here for months you’ve all gone mental. John Cole’s barmy army.
Caravelle
Hullo !
De-mostly-lurking just to say that :
1) I read your blog and I’m not a recovering alcoholic ! (yet. But I’m not an alcoholic yet either, so everything’s fine for now ! Speaking of, wait here while I get a beer)
2) I stopped swimming almost 20 years ago because I didn’t want to expose people to the sight of my disgusting hairy legs, and this summer I went swimming with friends and it was wonderful. Fuck other people’s sensibilities ! (I didn’t, I just epilated at the right time, but I’d like to be able to)
3) Do they do CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) for alcoholism ? I’ve been doing it for depression/procrastination and I think it’s actually working.
newdealfarmgrrrlll
@Raenelle: hey, my sobriety date is the same year! your experience sounds so familiar … i started a year earlier in AlAnon, and that’s where i realized i always chose alcoholic/druggie boyfriends so i could point my finger and say, “no, HE’S the one with the problem!” We used to joke in that AlAnon meeting that we used to like eating cookies in bed, until we decided we didn’t want to sleep with crumbs.
yeah, i remember dissolving in tears at my first meetings, at finding other people who understood. Started me on the path to healing my self-hatred.
Draylon Hogg
@shelly: And the seeds are full of prostate zincy goodness.
gravie
Such a great list of things you want to do — even if you only do a few of them, your life will be richer.
Draylon Hogg
Is that Higgs Boson fella still alive?
Draylon Hogg
@raven: AA is a front for religious nutters.
Laura B.
A couple of things I’ve seen here and in the other thread is that someone knew someone in AA who was still an asshole after getting sober so AA sucks. Yeah, that’s a real possibility as most of us in AA were TOTAL assholes (whether we realized it or not) when we went in. Not all will lose the obnoxiousness. The point of having 12 steps as compared to maybe three, is that the later steps, (if you take them seriously) can help to deal with one’s personal defects, “clean house” and finding better methods of handling difficulties going forward. Not every single person enjoys this and sticks around but those who really try this with all honesty usually have a life changing breakthrough, hopefully one that sticks. The thing is, AA is a very loose organization, there is no boss, each meeting has it’s own autonomy with some general guidelines. If you don’t like one meeting, go to another, each will have it’s own flavor. You don’t get graded on the 12 steps, it’s up to you to get what you can from the process.
No one person can ever represent AA, you will meet many wonderful people, some awful ones, just like everywhere else. But between the super-happy-sunshiners and the dark-cloud-miserable members is a vast group of all kinds of alcoholics just trying to do a little better each day than the day before. *cue David Brooks vast middle jokes*
If you can find another way to get sober elsewhere and be happy, our hats are off to you. You’ll notice a lack of defensiveness from most AA people when called a cult or otherwise. We don’t care, you can take this program of recovery or leave it – and I write this just to be informational and share my experience, strength and hope. There is a reason it has grown so big and it’s not from the courts sending people there (you can sign your own damn court-card, it’s entirely an honor system, no one will know.) The type of person who has an alcoholic nature is naturally defiant against anyone telling them what to do but the structure of AA is so loose, almost everything is just a suggestion, it really is up to you to show up and be a part of it. If you go, great, if you don’t – no problem, we wish you the best. If you find a meeting or individual that seems AA militant, go somewhere else. I don’t like those kinds of AAers or meetings but I know people who were really truly deeply lost that did need someone to tell them what to do in every part of their day and it saved their life. I’m glad there’s help for that kind of alcoholic who’s at the bottom of the bottom.
When I first started making feeble attempts to get sober, I was looking for a medical solution, some pills that would make it easy. (not talking about medical detox which is different.) I thought I would maintain things with pills and or light drinking, anything to take the edge off or I would need antabuse or similar. But that doesn’t deal with the underlying problems of why can’t I just stand being me? And why does being altered feel so normal and righteous? When all the toxins clear out of your brain and body, the feeling of having nothing manipulating your feelings or mood and being very real is incredible and freeing.
While I was drinking, I felt that my drinking self was my most real self, most honest, most alive, most deep-thinking, deep-feeling and (oh gawd) deep-talking. It turned out that wasn’t true, that was a fake self in many ways. I had a lotta fun and wild times I loved during my drinking years along with the dark times I never want to go through again but I don’t regret the past nor romanticize it (scotch drinker here too ;)
I stopped drinking 16 years ago at age 36, and suddenly I had more money and time and took up snowboarding, then mountain biking and other fun stuff which has continued in my 50s. I stopped being so booze-puffy & alcohol-sweaty and the weight dropped off. I made financial amends and somehow instead of having the money problems I was so fearful of due to those oh-so-painful-to-make payments to hated tax agencies and lenders, my financial situation got better and better as I cleaned up my act in that department. Everything got better in so many ways. Everyone’s bottom is different, there’s never any need to compete on how low you went. Your bottom is your bottom, no need to keep digging.
Your list of things you want to do inspired me to finally make a post here (and the useless squabbling almost made me not want to.) This has been my go-to site for so many years for news, opinion, humor, animal-stuff, and the links (which you actually keep updated – THANK YOU!) While I knew you were a drinker and didn’t think anything of it, your attitude on life is so similar to mine and my friends. Your ability to change your thinking in the face of new information or admit you were wrong is so heartening. Best of luck to you John Cole, however you go forward.
Raenelle
@newdealfarmgrrrlll: Nice to meet you. To this day, it’s still hard to talk in meetings about my first meeting without my voice cracking in an attempt to hold back those tears. You had it exactly right. I had hidden myself, even before I started drinking, because I thought I was alone. By some miracle that first meeting, I believed what they told me: that they had been where I was, and that, if I did what they did, I could get well like they had. That’s a pretty fucking big deal–to not be alone ever again. In fact, my identification with others in AA was what allowed me to even attempt a 4th step–I’d heard much of what I had kept hidden deep inside myself talked about freely (and laughed about, in fact) by others in meetings.
cckids
@Valdivia:
I second this, but FFS, set up a crap email account for just that; they spam you 5-15 times a day, until you are ready to scream. That is the only drawback to their system, otherwise I quite like it. I’ve lost 16 lbs in 2 months with it.
I also second or third the “go swimming now” crowd. John, you’ve had injuries & starting exercising again will make everything hurt – swimming will do the most for you without such a risk of damaging/re-injuring yourself. And, yes, if someone doesn’t like how you look in a swimsuit, fuck ’em.
It is one of the best things about heading past 50, just not giving a shit about people’s opinions about such things.
cckids
@Moe Gamble:
This x1000.
WaynersT
I don’t really know what you look like now – but obviously you have been super athletic in your previous lifestyle. Hoping you can recapture that on your new path. Knew an alcoholic once who dropped a ton of weight when he started drying out – his face was unrecognizable
mzrad
Hi there. Not sure if you make it down this far in the comments but while you’re sitting around trying to find something to do rather than drink, check out _Fat, Sick & Nearly Dead_ in the documentary section of Netflix streaming and, from your library, _How to Cook Your Life_. I thought I would hate both of them but found them worth watching multiple times to keep getting the message. Definitely get a juicer and do whatever that Aussie guy did for a bit: you will feel better and juicing can be more fun than cooking. Because you don’t have to cook. I like to cook to perform food love for others but when my man is out of town, I eat a lot of oranges and cheese bread. Good luck and good on ya for going super public with your journey back from a lifestyle you find unhealthy.
I miss the way you presented Tunch as such a beyotch. I have a spoiled fat cat who has enjoyed extra xoxos since the demise. Glad Steve found you, too! Shelter kitties are the best.
beckya57
Hi John, No I am not a recovering alcoholic, but haven’t had a drink in so long I’ve forgotten how long it is. Somewhere between 15-20 years. I stopped for a variety of reasons, one of the most important being that my family is full of alcoholics and I figured I was high risk. I had gotten a general impression from some of your posts that you were probably drinking more than was good for you, so I’m glad you’ve decided to quit. I think Tunch is probably looking down and smiling…if he’s capable of doing that. Good luck.
MazeDancer
@Draylon Hogg:
Beautiful story. Commenter Mary G rescued Higgs Boson’s Mate: https://balloon-juice.com/2013/08/06/made-it-to-madison/#comment-4564695
moderateindy
@Little Boots: It works the same way for me with the word gay. It’s derogatory, but we don’t really use it as a slur against homosexuals. It’s more to denote something that is considered feminine, or like a sissy. For instance, I am a fan of songs like Donovan’s “Colours”. When I want to play that tune with the guys I play guitar with, the response might be, Oh another gay tune, how unlike you. Nobody, I play with has any problem with gay people, and my best friend since high school came out about 20 years ago, but still putting it out in the ether, even if you intend no harm is at least bad Karma, and simply helps perpetuate the idea that gay=bad.
Using the C-word isn’t exactly the same, but the word itself is just plain nasty, and should be reserved for the very few times it is warranted.
SIA
@Laura B.:
Thanks for your excellent comment. It says in the literature, “We realize we know only a little”. AA worked for me. That’s all I know.
fuckwt
Wow that’s a fantastic list! What a great post. Start tackling those goals and your life will be amazing.
Yeah, “what will you do with the extra time” is a PERFECT question when quitting some nonproductive behavior. All these opportunities open up for you, and your list is very good.
This is exactly the right kind of mid-life crisis to have: WHAT the fuck am I doing with my life and WHAT do I want to get done before I eventually kick off… because that day gets closer every year, time is NOT infinite.
Much respect and good luck to you. BTW in that picture you look pretty damn scary, actually. And it looks like you were never thin, but you must have been a strong-ass motherfucker. Getting back in shape will do so much good for your mental state too that all the rest of your goals might fall into place pretty easily. I recommend the swimming for starters; it’s a great exercise.
Quaker in a Basement
All of those are awesome “want tos” John. Just don’t start kicking your own ass if they don’t all get done immediately, OK?
wetcasements
People throw out “ABD” like hey, all I gotta do is write that pesky dissertation.
Dude, ABD means you’ve done everything but the real work.
Not that it isn’t a nice goal, but the thought of tracking down diss advisers that might have keeled over recently and _then_ having to write the thing is kind of terrifying. If they are still alive, they have much better things to do then shepherd a failed academic back onto the path.
As for working out and/or swimming, dude, nobody cares what you look like. Maybe in an SEC gym but beyond that, just get in there and sweat.
SGT Hammered
Yes. Yes you should. Start juggling and come to the 21st Portland Juggling Festival Sept 27th and we can reminisce about woulda/coulda/shouldas. http://www.portlandjugglers.org/
My Nat Guard Hummer-mounted TOW unit almost got mobilized and sent to Desert Storm so I’m more a wanna-be than you could ever dream. Also, I’m just as crucified on the crossroads as you about whether to go back to skool, change job fields, dating the womens, etc… But I love the sound of my own voice more than Alaskans love nicknaming Texans ‘Tiny’… so there’s that.
ixnay
@Linda:
Thank you for a kind word.
Unsympathetic
John,
You can save a lot of time in your day by doing Olympic lifts – 30 reps of clean+press at 135 in 10 minutes is a far, far better cardio workout than any length of run. I’d be a fan of CrossFit if they included heavy bent-leg deadlifting.. but many of the workouts are good.
ixnay
@Rachel B.:
Even my father, who was a fairly sincere and unreconstructed horse’s patootie, knitted squares. The squares were mostly assembled into afghans by my stepmother, but would have worked as kitty comforters. He knit them while watching sports. So tightly, he could barely get them off the needles.
MaxxLange
You are quitting drinking, John? I did so myself, starting about 21 months ago, because, well, I had to. It was time, it was past time. Let’s say, when you can put down a fifth of whiskey and it doesn’t even make you sick, that is an indication that you may have gone too far down Alcohol Avenue. Let’s say that happened a lot more than once…..
It really has not been as hard as I thought it would be. When it was hard, it was really hard. But it wasn’t like that all the time, which I was afraid of.
Good luck to you. Every day I feel more and more sure that I made the right choice. There are some good things about drinking, and I feel sad that they are gone sometimes, but then I realized that, for me, they were already gone, even before I stopped. That thought helps sometimes.
Howlin Wolfe
Fuck me, I laughed.
Crissa
My grandfather was an alcoholic, and I think I can see where you might go with it, but really I’m far too distractible to get into a habit aside from blogging ^-^ A habit where I have to buy something? So going to forget to. Heck, I forget the cat food every coupla months. And the cats remind me!
Skippy-san
@Laura B.: “You’ll notice a lack of defensiveness from most AA people when called a cult or otherwise. We don’t care, you can take this program of recovery or leave it – and I write this just to be informational and share my experience, strength and hope. There is a reason it has grown so big and it’s not from the courts sending people there (you can sign your own damn court-card, it’s entirely an honor system, no one will know.) “
All factual evidence to the contrary. Read a book called Resisting 12 Step Coercion sometime. It’s chock full of evidence on how the program gets defensive about criticism-and lashes out at those who do not wish to submit to its aura of guilt and control.
That is what addiction treatment is all about in America, ceding control-to people who have no right to exercise it. Learning I can take ownership of my life, do what I want, drink what I want-I’m responsible for what I do and no one else has the right to comment on it. That’s what was truly liberating.
hans
you don’t have to do … just sit still. with some practice you can sit still for hours.
Draylon Hogg
@MazeDancer: Thanks for the link. Glad he got some help and really nice to see the net as a force for good.
Church Lady
Best of luck to you John.
Trinity
Great list! Studying Buddhism has helped me a lot. I still don’t mediate much but I have learned to calm my mind a bit or at least to be more aware of my thoughts. There are some great podcasts that I have come across that give me some peace. Hang in there John! We’ve got your back. :)
MCA1
Obviously, way late to this party, but best of luck, Cole. Plenty of people here are pulling for you. I’ve had a couple periods in my life (including pretty recently) where I was drinking too much, relying on it as a crutch or a safety blanket of some sort while I wound myself up into some sort of self-pity coccoon (I probably have some undiagnosed mild depressive tendency that causes me to go into a personal doldrums every 5-10 years). I’ve never gotten to the point of needing to go cold turkey, but eventually you realize the alcohol’s dulling the world, not brightening it, so you cut back accordingly. It can become your hobby and make you dispassionate about most everything other than whatever ritual you’ve developed around ingesting alcohol. That’s is a poor hobby to have in this world full of other, more productive things to be passionate about.
Cut down on the TV, too – any minute spent watching CNN shortens your life by an hour. I’ve gone back to a couple hours per week, and it’s a great liberator.