After a great deal of thought, DougJ, Mistermix, and I have decided that we need to make a few additional changes along with the site rebuild we will be rolling out. When I first stumbled into blogging over 12 years ago, it was for two one reasons: curiosity and freedom I’d grown tired of Unreal Tournament 99 and was sick of dealing with the same assholes on my UT Clan forum. I was curious about the potential for writing in this new medium; and for the first time, I felt total freedom as a writer No one was reading me so no one could disagree. On my little blog, I was beholden to no one but my readers. I had no editor to please, no advertiser to woo, no publisher to work for, no colleagues to manage. Perhaps it was working for so long in old media that made me appreciate this breakthrough so much. But it still exhilarates every day. It gave me something to do when I was hungover and there were no sports on.
For the first time in human history, a writer – or group of writers and editors – can instantly reach readers – even hundreds of thousands of readers across the planet – with no intermediary at all. In my case, both of them.
And they can reach back. Few discovered this as quickly as I did – and as the Dish this mutually agreed upon wankfest evolved over the first six years, I was forced to admit when I was wrong (see: George W. Bush, 9/11, the Iraq War, etc), and it was not pretty at times. Looking back, I realize that in many ways, you, the readers, made that unavoidable. I had to face you every day. And you were merciless gutless sycophants who just need pictures of my morbidly obese cat or read that I’ve engaged in the slightest bit of human decency and you spend 300 comments telling me how fucking awesome I am.
But as the pretense of old media authority ceded to the crowd-sourcing of argument, fact and thought, one thing remained elusive: how to make this work financially.
And so last week, the three of us signed an agreement setting up an independent company called Dish Publishing LLC Tunch and Lily Media, and agreed to strike out on our own with no safety net below us but you.
So for the next month, we’re going to offer you advance membership of the Dish Balloon Juice for $19.99 a year, which translates to $1.67 a month, which is around a nickel a day. The meter won’t start until May, and the price won’t change then, but by pre-subscribing, you give us a crucial financial bridge to get to independence – and you’ll never notice a thing when the transition happens.
To be honest, we didn’t know where to set the price – we have almost no precedents for where we want to go – but $19.99 seemed the lowest compatible with a serious venture. We wanted to make this as affordable as possible, while maximizing revenues.
As such, we would like to thank you in advance for subscribing, and hope you help us reach our goal of $6,000,000 so that we can continue operations here. Just hit the paypal link above, and when you make your payment, make sure you write “I’M STUPID AS HELL” in the comments section so that my staff will know to send you a receipt. And if you don’t, well, the cat gets it.
*** Update ***
Umm, April Fools. Stop sending money, morans.
PeakVT
Haw!
MikeJ
Obvs shopped. I can tell by the pixels. Far more likely that Tunch would have the hairless ape tied up.
Alison
Can we pay in catnip?
Wag
Well, at least you didn’t stomp on AL’s thread.
Mustang Bobby
Very clever. April Fool to you too.
matokochan
CUDLIPS!!!
Ruckus
Nice try.
phoebes-in-santa fe
Well, I donated. But I will rescind my donation if you touch one piece of fur on that poor, benighted creature.
By the way, what do I get for my membership?
SatanicPanic
Will this $19.99 include a subscription to your newsletter as well?
wmd
So, over/under on John’s alcohol consumption before he posted this prank?
I’m in for +5
Joeyess
Christ. He’s fucking serious.
Denny
Funny boy…. (slow scornful clapping)
FoxinSocks
I hate April Fool’s Day.
For the record, I would indeed pay $19.99 to support this site. I don’t think you guys realize
how much you give back to the communityhow adorable Lily is. And also, Tunch!Comrade Mary
“If you don’t buy this blog, we’ll feed this cat.”
(For the young whippersnappers with no sense of fucking history. According to one staff member who was at the cover shoot, the test shots were either too boring or too depressing, until the trigger was cocked and the subject’s eyes moved toward the sound. Classic.)
Comrade Mary
Ha! More Poisson d’Avril! Use the drop down list at the top left to change the theme.
(Permanent link for archivists.)
David Koch
I want a totebag
Yutsano
So I see
HannibalTunch needs another vet visit. Or the hairless ape is slacking on the ahi supply again.@Comrade Mary: And of course all I think is KITTEHS!! Although the randomness of Vermont made me giggle.
Suffern ACE
Done. You’re lucky you asked for this early in the month when my workers comp check just arrived. I sure April will be better than January and February so I won’t miss it too much. Do you send some kind of formal acknowledgement? I forgot to save the Paypal receipt.
delosgatos
The first several paragraphs of this would be awesome in the Star Wars yellow advancing characters style, and with the original score.
I was going to make a QVC joke about the latter three paragraphs, but as I’d likely buy the GENUINE TURQUOISE EARRINGS just for the Tunch and Zsa-Zsa stories, it seemed too much an inside joke.
Redshirt
I blame Nixon.
manfrommadras
This post almost makes it worth it to donate 19.99 to BJ & The Animal cartel…Almost! :)
Nice one, Cole….
Comrade Mary
THANKS Obama!
trollhattan
Heh, indoozle, Tunch
in bondageon stainless. Okay, both.I am very interested in your newsletter and would like to subscribe.
Not April 1 yet here, which means I can continue drinking. Thanks bog for Cesar Chavez, for whom I 1. get a day off and 2. get to watch Malkin edge closer to life in a shirt with very long sleeves.
Katie5
I blame the lame stream media.
trollhattan
@Comrade Mary:
Holy crap, that’s cool.
Citizen_X
@Comrade Mary: Oh great. Now comes the Apocalypse.
Johnny Coelacanth
It’s not past midnight here, see, so I swallowed that like a gullible sucker right up until the last paragraph. I am also + 3 and etc.
trollhattan
@Comrade Mary:
One still recalls the Playdead interview with Dan Blocker.
PD: “As a dead guy, how often do you get blown and laid and see other dead people naked?”
DB:
JR
((applause))
? Martin
@Citizen_X: No shit. Star Wars/Star Trek worlds colliding. The end is surely near.
Burnspbesq
I can haz deduckshun for mah gift?
? Martin
@? Martin: Ok, this almost has to be an April 1 joke. Shatner has something similar on his page.
Phoenician in a time of Romans
For that price, we want an actual piece of Tunch thrown in. WITH a certificate of authenticity.
AndoChronic
I literally just took a reeking piss off my 14th floor 5 star hotel room’s patio in San Juan just now and I’m tuning in to BJ to read this? You people continue to keep me on my toes better than I can apparently! LOve you, and kisses…
Ben
Should we make checks out to Chicago All Saints Hospital?
suzanne
I’m trying to decide if I should watch the video of Kevin Ware’s exploding leg.
The prophet Nostradumbass
Does Tunch have a skull and crossbones on his file at the vet’s office?
daryljfontaine
At least you’re ringing in April with a sense of fun. I just stumbled back to my hotel in San Juan after a night of drinking, and some asshole pissed off his balcony all over my head and ruined my best suit jacket. Son of a bitch, this is not what I cashed in my rewards program points for.
D
Comrade Mary
@suzanne: I watched it. For all that people talk about it being gruesome, you don’t really see much detail, but anyone with an imagination and empathy will be hit multiple times: empathy and cringing for Ware based on what little you can see and a lot that you can extrapolate, and then more empathy for his cringing, retreating and damn near puking team mates.
Loneoak
I ain’t paying shit until you renounce ED Kain for his crimes against humanity, post every day about dronezzz, and grudgingly say something nice about Greenwald.
suzanne
@Comrade Mary: Maybe I’ll watch it tomorrow so I don’t have nightmares.
Irish Steel
Money.
Loneoak
@suzanne:
It made my wife laugh. But she’s a RN on the ER night shift and thinks gruesome injuries are a load of fun compared to scabies and homeless foot rot.
Pinkamena Panic
I hate April fucking First.
Anne Laurie
Spousal Unit, reading over my shoulder: “If he really wanted six mill, he’d have linked to Kickstarter.”
At least you saved me the trouble of setting up an Early Morning Open Thread!
Joseph Nobles
Second one that did get me. The first was George Takei’s.
Amir Khalid
In other April Fool news, the eight-year-long YouTube contest is almost ready to close submissions, and will soon announce a winner. Then the site will shut down for good.
OMG!1! I’ll never see that Susan Boyle BGT audition video again! Aughh!
1badbaba3
BJ for $19.95?! Now that’s a bargain! I am all up in that shiz.
Misterpuff
I’ll have a drumstick.
Hell for that much, I want Tunch’s first born. We’re still celebrating Passover right?
AndoChronic
Sorry to be a snarky prick in my previous post and not inquire about that photo of Tunch, but WTF. What’s up there chief is Tunch okay?
Batocchio
Well played.
The prophet Nostradumbass
@Amir Khalid: my cat still has many antics to record!,!1!!1!
Hal
I really hate the name S.E. Cupp. Are those glasses even real? Though TBogg’s dubbing of her as Sippy Cupp is pretty hilarious.
1badbaba3
It’s Sully’s fault, but I can’t fight the urge to blame Obama. So be it.
Comrade Mary
@AndoChronic: That’s an old pic of a typical trip to the vet. Tunch is fine. The vets RESPECT him.
MikeJ
@Comrade Mary: More April 1st:
Imgur’s post by mail. Not email, mail.
Google nose.
AndoChronic
@Comrade Mary: Thanks for the update info., but if the vets’ respected John and Tunch they’d be flat out and say that Tunch is a chubbins, i.e., obese and needs to lose some goddamn weight.
evil is evil
I hate to be a douche. No dough. I’ve been a fan for years. I am not stupid, I know quality when I see it.
AndoChronic
I think I just came in a transvestite hooker’s mouth… by mistake of course!
Warren Terra
Speaking of April Fools …
The Google main page prank this year is apparently Google Nose, which is a little boring.
But if you open a new tab in Chrome (at least after rebooting, which I just did), you see this message:
Mind you, the mis-spellings might be perennial, generic humor rather than April-Fools-specific humor, and “Ask Google for suggestions” appears to exist (as part of their ongoing project to know each of their users totally, Google is building a personalized spellchecker for each user within their cloud, it would appear)
PS one other Google prank: Google Maps now has a “treasure maps” appearance option. I don’t know if there really are treasure chests hidden in there, though.
Origuy
Orly Taitz’s dental office raided by the DEA.
Origuy
Weather Underground reports discovery of invisible rain.
MikeJ
@Warren Terra: The spell checker on my nexus seemed to get more aggressive in the last few days. I was typing in french and it kept auto correcting everything into english. And yeah, it’s easy enough to tell it to switch languages, but I’d never had to do it before.
But I didn’t see any indication that they’re personalizing the suggestions.
sm*t cl*de
That original Sullivan post is one for the ages. After a decade of relying on his readers to educate him whenever his mindless worship of authority and power became too overt, he now wants his readers to pay for the privilege of educating him.
amk
fucking drunk.
Redshirt
Give us the money Lebowski.
PeakVT
NASA unveils the Space Goose.
RoonieRoo
Thank you for the reminder that it is the 4/1 before I hit the rest of the internet.
PeakVT
@sm*t cl*de: But it’s so exciting to watch Sully struggle to not be a moral cretin. Who wouldn’t pay to see that happen slowly and erratically in many spaced-out blog posts?
Warren Terra
@MikeJ:
The spellcheck dictionary on my Android phone has always been customizeable (a good thing, as I use it to take notes in seminars – though I was mightily peeved when the OS updated from 3.x to 4 and wiped my dictionary). I think this is part of Swype, rather than the OS directly. What they’re saying here, as I understand it, is that Chrome will learn from your spellcheck decisions and adjust itself accordingly to your preferences.
Odie Hugh Manatee
I laughed, I cried…
5 out of 5 stars.
pablo
I would gladly pay you Thursday for a hamburger today.
corkbouy
I think you should also look into publishing using Google Glasses as the Guardian.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2013/apr/01/guardian-goggles-augmented-reality-specs
boss bitch
BULLOCKS!
raven
Way too early!
raven
Google Nose
WereBear
This is so much better than the Dish!
p.a.
Does membership include discounts on the gold coins? Or tips on how to power my survivalist shelter with onion skins?
Many moons ago a girl in, I believe Belgium, posted a pic of her rabbit with the caption “I need donations totaling 10,000€ by date x or the rabbit gets it.” (Paraphrasing). After date x she posted a pic of the rabbit. Braised, I believe. Did not reach her goal, but she did get many donations.
Ash Can
At first I thought Cole was just shitfaced when he wrote this, but then someone in the thread mentioned the date. I agree with RoonieRoo — thanks for the heads-up! I’ll have to warn Bottle Rocket before he goes to school, too. He has some clever teachers and classmates who will be looking to prank people early and often.
And Cole, Tunch is going to get you for posting a photo like that. If your bedroom starts smelling funny, check your shoes and under your pillow.
WereBear
BTW, I’m indebted to the commenter who mentioned:
http://notalwaysright.com
Because a lot of the day yesterday was wading through this Chronicle of the Most Idiot Customers, and becoming obsessed with trying to develop a unified field theory.
It all winds up in one big tangled ball of Dunning-Krueger meets Narcissistic Injury. In short, these jerks are desperate to feel good about themselves in some way, but because of their suspicion and paranoia and breathtaking stupidity, they use bigotry and obnoxiousness to flaunt their supposedly higher status over those they think are mandated by society to put up with any crap they care to dish out.
It’s astonishing! It’s like they are all sharing a particular brain dysfunction, and I gotta know what it is!
Patricia Kayden
More than happy to pay $20 per year for this blog. Hope that Tunch is not being improperly probed as that photo suggests.
Mystical Chick
What a cruel thing to do to someone who has yet to finish her first cup of coffee! I almost strolled over and contributed. How much will you make from those who are truly not awake, I wonder.
This is my go-to place every day – totally worth $19.99. heh
Alright, maybe $20.37 if you really push me.
danielx
I won’t pay a cent more than $18.95 without TUNCH pictures every day.
And a pony. I want a pony.
WereBear
@WereBear: Another thing; the tales of idiot customers is support of my theory that our civilization has evolved past the ability of our stupidest members.
How many times have you run across such people? Ones who seem to be okay with medieval serfdom, but negotiating OUR outside world overwhelms them?
MTiffany71
How about $9/month? That way we’ll all have money left over to see George Takei in Star Trek Excelsior, whenever that comes out.
danielx
@WereBear:
A variation on the answer as to Thomas Frank’s famous question “What’s The Matter With Kansas?”
Answer: It’s full of assholes.
Another edition of Simple Answers To Simple Questions. I do love those customer interaction stories, but it does make you wonder why there are so many people out there in need of personality transplants.
WereBear
@danielx: Yes! If only we could find out what makes people assholes.
And why they tend to cluster!
kdaug
How about this, Cole. You give me the $19.95, and you’ll buy my silence. Once a week.
Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism
@WereBear: Lois Bujold recently suggested that it’s inherent in the primate brain, and called it a response to a Status Emergency. The emergency might be completely imaginary, but it’s real enough to the primitive parts of the brain to trigger stupid behavior.
kdaug
@Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism: Moronic Sub-Epsilons: Not just for janitors any more!
WereBear
@Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism: Makes a lot of sense to me… I’ve dealt with the public, and wondered:
Who are these people who act as though they have never seen parking meters? Who refuse to tip like it’s a point of honor? Who yell in response to any frustration as though they were never raised past the point of two years old?
Part of it might be that they are out of their natural element… but for heaven’s sake, we’re a small town in America. How freakin’ different can it be.
How do they get married and make a living? And yet, somehow, they must, because here they are.
JPL
In honor of the day… link
danielx
@WereBear:
I’ve sought an answer to that question for years and haven’t come up with one yet. It can’t be a survival mechanism since the behavior is, ah, counterproductive to survival.
Where is the Foolkiller when you need him?
MattF
If I sign up, do I get to choose the site’s background color?
A Farmer
Love it. The story I’ve got is that the Cubs cancel the season because old man Ricketts is tired of burning millions of dollars on losers. Like Mittens.
WereBear
Probably was, in simpler times. I’ve often toyed with the idea of a Jury of Instant Judgement; if you assemble six people who agree this is a case of egregious bad behavior, they get fined.
Right now, the only consequences are humiliation randomly occurring. Doesn’t seem to be enough.
Baud
Ah, the Internet. Where the p0rn is free but you have to pay for bloggers.
What a world.
The Ancient Randonneur
You didn’t mention the epic Mac v. PC battles. For that reason alone I’m not sure your two cents is worth a nickel a day. Happy April Fools Day to you too, JC. But it is somewhat appropriate that yesterday was some sort of holiday as well with April 1 the very next day.
JPL
What if John is serious and we are all locked out next month?
hmmm
danielx
@WereBear:
Years I read s short story about a man with a diagnosis of terminal cancer who decided to make an avocation of killing people who were openly rude to others.
It turned out to be catching, and so did politer behavior. Not that I would ever advocate such actions…
Funkula
I’M DUMB AS HELL.
I hope my subscription will be used wisely. Just as an example (if you’re taking suggestions) some rotating guest-bloggers could liven up the place. What’s Mickey Kaus up to these days?
MattF
Speaking of Scratch ‘N Sniff:
http://www.google.com/landing/nose/
And yes, I’m aware of John Waters’ contributions to that genre.
NotMax
$19.99? That’s Ronco territory. (Balloon-Juice! It slices! It dices! It rants! It raves!)
Now, $27.27 – that’s the ticket.
(That comes out to $2.27 per month.)
What are Rosie & Zsa Zsa? Chopped liver?
One vote for Tunlirozsa Communications.
kdaug
@NotMax: $50.40 for a year.
Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism
@WereBear: I’m not so sure it’s counterproductive. The specific behaviors, maybe, but I’m inclined to think that’s a side effect of greater mobility between small tribal units.
I remember a number of years ago, after venting about an altercation with a neighbor, watching a group of friends dissect it like an anthropological puzzle. Their opinion was that such altercations would be inevitable until and unless my neighbor, who had moved to the South from rural upstate NY, adapted to the very different manner of conflict resolution expected here.
One of the things that stood out was the amusement of the New Yorkers of the group that I ended the incident by pulling out my cel phone to call the police. Our friends thought we were taking his wife’s screeching way too seriously. I pointed out that they would never learn that threatening a neighbor’s pets is highly inappropriate here without some sort of clue-by-four.
That reminds me, I’m overdue for ostentatiously taking the guns out for some practice at a range. Not that I do; I don’t even own any ammo for them. But things did quiet down after I inherited them and was seen putting them in the car when I went to have them checked and cleaned.
Chickamin Slam
The $6,000,000 is actually for a movie. The premise is a morbidly obese man and his equally large cat come to terms about living in a post-post modern society years after serving in the military. Along the way he encounters others of like mind and adds them to his ever expanding tour bus. The goal, common sense in a crazed nation, or to see the Steelers win one in person, running onto the field to celebrate, mingle with players. With the help of Richard Simmons and an appearance on the reality show Survivor, John Cole sheds the pounds, and lumbers with grace into the endzone.
$6,000,000 is needed to make this film. Are you in?
Senyordave
I’m stupid as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!
WereBear
The essential problem is that sane people never want to admit they are dealing with a psycho.
Yes, most of the time it’s stupid screaming, but I believe in acting as though they are deadly serious.
If they are not, it can be a wakeup call. If they are… it lets them know you aren’t going to be a pushover like so many of their other victims.
Steeplejack (tablet)
Don’t punk me, man. I’m exhausted with maybe jet lag (which I don’t believe in for U.S. flights) and being up until 3:00 a.m. (involuntarily, for once) with the repatriated housecat, who spent the night acting like she had been cast into some dystopian hellhole instead of just returning to the loving home she has enjoyed for the past eight months. I think she picked up Stockholm syndrome at my brother’s house.
robert green
i am a total fucking idiot.
and you are STILL an asshole for ever having been wrong about iraq, and your excuses carry no water with me.
having said that, your blog has become an oasis in the media desert, and since i make sand for a living…i think of the 19.99 as buying carbon credits, or something.
Keith G
$19.99?
Oh Christ. Now I’ll have cook meth in bigger batches.
THANKS A LOT!
My back itches. What was that noise?
MattF
This one is actually funny:
http://gmailblog.blogspot.com/2013/03/introducing-gmail-blue.html
Jim Pharo
Well, $6,000,000 seems like an awful lot, but you seem so sincere. Check your pay-pal.
You’re welcome.
gogol's wife
@FoxinSocks:
I too would happily pay it if I could send a check to a mailing address.
mai naem
So that’s $19.95 a mo.? Do we get a discount if we pay the whole year ahead and do you do autopay monthly charges on credit cards so I don’t have to go in every month a repeat the whole process.
Elizabelle
Does anyone still check out Sully?
I was thinking of shelling out the $19.95 (I know, I know), but didn’t and so never find myself over there anymore.
And now the Orange County Register announces it’s doing a gimmick-proof paywall, beginning this week, but content will be available free of charge 90 days after it goes up online.
For instant access: $2.00 per 24 hours. And — this is cold — if you’re a Sunday or weekend only subscriber, you only get free digital on the Sunday or the weekend.
Finding I’m not THAT curious about the OC. Thinking the Register’s owner just took his paper local. Period.
Patricia Kayden
@mai naem: $19.95 per year actually. Pretty good deal.
I stopped reading Andrew Sullivan after his paywall went up, but can’t do without BJ.
Sister Rail Gun of Warm Humanitarianism
@WereBear: Their argument was that, for his native area and the class he grew up in, that was normal conflict-resolution behavior. I wouldn’t know; it’s too far outside of my experience. It does fit the stereotype….
Walker
@Warren Terra:
Okay, that is awesome.
Bob2
Tunch can’t say green balloons.
Maude
For $29.99 you get to comment. The $19.99 is for read only.
This is the best April 1st post.
Tunch deserves a can of tuna.
Svensker
@Patricia Kayden:
There is no paywall. You can read Sully all you want. Just if he’s longwinded you can’t do the “read more” thing without coughing up some moola.
low-tech cyclist
Yeah, I’m getting at least $20 worth of enjoyment out of this blog each year. I’m in.
quannlace
So, “Winter is coming…” It’s been coming for the last twenty episodes for Christ’s sake.
*****
Now gonna see what Google’s April Fool’s doodle is.
Scott S.
Yes, yes, April Fools, et cetera, et cetera. But I’ll send a check if y’all ever need $20.
Jay C
Heh. Good April 1 post, John: YOU ARE FUCKING AWESOME!
@gogol’s wife:
Try this address:
Ms. Lily D Cole
86 Butt Holler Rd.
Craptown, WV 12345
Checks preferably payable to “Cash” or “Occupant”.
Thank you for your support.
JPL
@Scott S.: Although I agree with you, John would just pass on extra money to an animal shelter. IMO
Raven
Watching the tree guys work right outside my second story window is cool.
lojasmo
I would actually pay $20 a year for B.J. I would require a $20 payment to read any of Sully’s trip trap.
Unfortunately, I was tricked into reading SUlly this morning.
You owe me $20, COLE.
MazeDancer
Subscribed. Happily. Quite the bargain.
Do consider having a BIG “Subscribe” button in the post, and any future posts. The “Call to Action” in Marketing terms – welcome to bizness- should be clear and easy, no searching around the page necessary.
Also, consider making the subscription price (a very reasonable) $20.00 even. The whole 99 cent pricing thing is a marketing ploy to fool customers into only seeing the first number of the price. There is a reason Walmart uses tricky numbers on their signs. Balloon Juice is certainly more part of the change for truth and reality, then part of perpetuating corporate duplicity. (Though no reason for the price to go up $5 after charter subscription period.)
Congratulations on the first steps of making this blog work for everyone, including founders and front pagers.
Patricia Kayden
@Svensker: Yeah just checked it out. Not sure if I’d pay to “read more” though.
MazeDancer
Sorry, meant to type: No reason for the price not to go up 5 bucks after the original intro price opportunity of charter subscriptions.
(Also, too, multi-year subscription options could raise considerable cash flow.)
catclub
@Pinkamena Panic: One girlfriend named April, one named May?
Sarah, Proud and Tall
Nice, Cole. Of course, you know that this means that, for the next six months, every third front page post is going to be:
1. Begging for new subscribers.
2. Quoting some dickhead reader who paid $1500 because “I can’t live without my
DishJuice”.3. Gloating about how much money you have made.
I thought you were going to tell them all in this post about Andrew and Conor coming to join Balloon Juice? Or are you saving that for tomorrow?
Just Some Fuckhead
Can I buy extra memberships and give them as gifts?
Sarah, Proud and Tall
@Just Some Fuckhead:
Jesus. Who do you hate that much?
maya
All this for only $19.99? Or, 1083.79 rupees in Bachmann’s world. WOW!
However, even Ebay sometimes offers a “make offer” choice. How about an even 1000 rupees?
Cassidy
Shit, can we pay to deny people commenting privileges?
Just Some Fuckhead
I gotta say 19.99 is a good deal and a good deal more.
schrodinger's cat
@Phoenician in a time of Romans: Will a furball do?
Cole@top
Why is Tunch in the Hannibal Lecter mask? Who did he finally eat?
Just Some Fuckhead
The only potential issue I see with the new business model is there are a LOT of days when ya can’t get a nickel’s worth of sense around here. Will we be able to file for rebates?
Trinity
@Just Some Fuckhead: This.
Villago Delenda Est
Cole: You’re not as stupid as hell.
You’re as stupid as an amalgam of Limbaugh, Beck, Malkin, Sullivan, McArdle, and Doug Feith sitting in a lifeboat of the Titanic plotting on which one to throw overboard (obviously, Limbaugh…duh!) to lighten the load.
JPL
April fools.. It appears that there will be no further posts until we pay up.
Maude
@schrodinger’s cat:
That was taken on a vet visit. Tunch is not fond of vets. He draws blood.
phoebes-in-santa fe
Dear God, I thought he was serious and gave him $19.95! I didn’t even think about April Fools. Oh well, this fool and her money are parted. It’s a pretty good cause, anyway.
dance around in your bones
Ya had me going there for a minute, Cole. I was hoping the Visa gift card I got for Christmas still had $20 left on it, then my brain kicked in.
You kitten skull-fucker!
(also, a plaintive request to bring back the little guy with the cane and megaphone thingie. I have asked you and ASKED you, why do you keep IGNORING me?! /switches light on and off on and off)
Liberty60
Throw in a free totebag with that $19.95 and I will pay.
Biff Longbotham
I’ll pay up in VirtualBuks, a new e-money idea that the Oracle-Google consortium is rolling out to beta testers. Get in on the ground floor by following this linky!
Amir Khalid
@dance around in your bones:
Yeah, John Cole. Bring back Mr Megaphone, or I’m not paying either. So there.
Villago Delenda Est
@mai naem:
My understanding is that the autopay option includes a subscription to World of Warcraft 1-20 edition so you can get a ground mount and be envious of all the people flying on dragons directly over you and then the dragons do what flying dragons do and you have to visit the dry cleaner.
The Moar You Know
@WereBear: Way back in high school, I had a friend who was into this sort of this thing throw a drama fit at my house and threaten to kill himself unless his girlfriend called him back.
My mother was a newly minted MFCC with about a decade of experience at the local mental hospital, so she just called the cops (who knew her well from her work on the intake window, and got to our house in about 45 seconds) and had his ass thrown in jail on a 72-hour suicide hold. Padded room, no shoes/belt/laces, the whole nine yards.
He never pulled that shit again. He never came over to my house again either – he was scared absolutely shitless of my mother.
I deal with drama the same way. It cuts down on the bullshit.
Villago Delenda Est
@Biff Longbotham:
*this offer not good with anyone running Windoze, as it make Steve Ballmer cry.
Mnemosyne
@Comrade Mary:
Invertebrates needed moar octopus.
handsmile
After submitting your Paypal payment, don’t miss out on today’s opportunity to try the new site, Google Nose: the new Scentsation in Search.
The site provides smells for what you type into the search engine – just “bring your nose as close as you can to the screen and press ‘Enter'”:
https://www.google.com/intl/en/landing/nose/
Villago Delenda Est
@The Moar You Know:
Awesome.
Villago Delenda Est
@handsmile:
Don’t ask, don’t smell.
YellowJournalism
I should never read this kind of shit before I’ve had coffee. I had a slight sense of dread and panic until I realized you three could never be business partners.
And this little sycophant won’t be contributing to the next John Love-a-thin. (Oh, he’ll, I probably still will. Asshole.)
handsmile
@Villago Delenda Est:
Uphold DOMA, the Defense of Morans Act!
The Other Bob
Will you then be hosting a trip to Isreal?
Commenting at Balloon Juice since 1937
If I send a twenty, how do I get my change?
Mnemosyne
Also, too, I love what Think Geek comes up with as their April Fool’s products, especially since they occasionally get permission to actually make them.
Higgs Boson's Mate
I think we’re being punished for those “You bigfooted _______’s post!” comments.
Villago Delenda Est
Next year’s April Fool’s gag: The Balloon Juice cruise to Cancun on a Carnival Cruises ship, with John, Mistermix, DougJ, Sarah providing refreshments, Ann Laurie, Betty Cracker’s chickens, Zandar in a superman suit, Kay, ABW and the podcast crew doing backup vocals.
Special guest star: Matoko-chan!
Mnemosyne
@Warren Terra:
If you switch to Street View while in the “treasure maps” option, it’s in scratchy sepia tone.
Bob2
@Liberty60:
I hope it comes with a free copy of David Brooks’ latest suburban vampire novella.
mick mcDick
do you take food stamps?
schrodinger's cat
@Villago Delenda Est: Will Boring Freddie join in or will the proceedings be too vulgar for his taste?
Tractarian
WIN
(The strikethroughs and italics are a bit much though.)
gbear
@Just Some Fuckhead: Thank you! I didn’t know you cared.
Higgs Boson's Mate
@Bob2:
I hear that Brooks just sold the film rights to Salad Bar of the Damned. I smell sequel!
maya
@Villago Delenda Est: What! No Ted&Helen tango exhibition?
artem1s
@Chickamin Slam:
please tell me Robert Downey Jr is cast as Tunch!
Jebediah
I’ll take care of it. $6,000,000 is on its way, Cole. I will just need your bank routing number, account number, social security number, mother’s maiden name and your birthdate.
Just to facilitate the transfer, which will totally happen.
gogol's wife
@YellowJournalism:
I think your autocorrect is going rogue, but I do like “John Cole love-a-THIN.” And a love-a-thin for Tunch too!
Jebediah
@JPL:
That would be just the twist needed to elevate this to a truly awesome prank.
Southern Beale
I’m going to assume this is an April Fool’s joke but isn’t this the mode Glenn Beck started using after he got axed from Fox?
muddy
I rarely remember what day it is (yay work at home!) and so I was all ready to pony up, whilst of course whining loudly about paypal.
For the Christ’s sake (on this, his special day!) out of 6 million bucks you could get a motherfucking PO box at least!! That’s what I was going to shout.
Now that I know what day it is, I have an old friend to call, and remind him how I nearly shot him in the face 23 years ago tonight. If only I had given in to my roommate’s demands that I keep a gun at the bedside! Silly me. His son is just turning 22, he’s a great kid but he wouldn’t exist in that universe.
srv
I’m embarrassed that it took me that many sentences to figure out what day it was.
ed: I do want to re-iterate though that I think several hundred folks would pay for a premium account that had a tunch/zsa zsa cam.
Schlemizel
@artem1s:
NO! Jonny Depp is Tunch, a role he was born to play! Now I could see RDjr as Cole maybe . . .
Jim, Foolish Literalist
With NR and Ben Franklin following us in a canoe, yelling about the food being lousy, the portions too small, it’s all Obama’s fault, and we’re too stupid to know it.
Felonius Monk
Would you take six old liquor boxes filled with previously unredeemed S&H Green Stamps as payment?
Schlemizel
@Villago Delenda Est:
Can you assure me that they will present us with some vacuous dimbo governor of some semi-frozen third-world shit-hole of a state that we can all get behind for VP in ’16?
Amir Khalid
@Jim, Foolish Literalist:
We mustn’t forget Ted & Hellen alternating between shouting abuse at people and offering to draw their portraits.
raven
A ten plus hour thread, I’m in!
Ash Can
@Sarah, Proud and Tall: Andrew and Conor (and/or their ilk) joining Balloon Juice would be lIght years beyond awesome. Can you imagine their fatuous drivel getting the comment-thread shredding it deserves?
Schlemizel
@Schlemizel:
And, before I can catch any whining from some poor soul stuck in that semi-frozen third-world shit-hole of a state like always pop up when someone points out that the state they live in is a third-world shit-hole: I am sorry you live in a TWSH, I am sure there are many nice, decent, good people who do and desperately want the state to be better but that does not mean the state is not now a twsh or that it should not be singled out for the designation.
Hell, this once shining star of the north is trying desperately to catch down with you guys & when we do I will be amongst those pointing it out.
Schlemizel
@raven:
Sorry, you are not allowed to comment until you have read every previous comment B-{D
Schlemizel
@Ash Can:
L’il Andy could not survive here. Like Erectile Dysfunction he would hide as long as he could. If forced he would try to play “look – something shiny” in the comments. When that didn’t work he would get a paid gig at some site not bright enough to have commentors like here.
Higgs Boson's Mate
Here’s an austerity success story! Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker has taken his state from 11th in job creation to 44th in just two years.
Just remember that it isn’t a Banana Republic if no one’s growing bananas.
Schlemizel
I think, as an April Fools joke, everyone should send Cole an email telling him in 25 words or less why Balloon Juice sucks and what he should do to fix it.
I BET HE WOULD LAUGH AND LAUGH AND LAUGH!
schrodinger's cat
I went over to check Sully’s website. Guess what guys, he is on vacation. Again.
schrodinger's cat
@Schlemizel: Laugh until he cries.
Monkeyfister
Hmmm…
For $19.99, you had better throw in some Good-Luck Wind Chimes, the Ginsu Knives, the Bamboo Steamer, AND the ShamWOW collection.
Folks want a perception of value for their money these days.
JPL
@raven: You only get the keys to the magic kingdom after you pay up.
Mike E
redbox is selling DVD-shaped lunch meat out of their kiosks. It’s been years since I had liverwurst, this is awesome!
raven
The Georgia Republican Party and the race to the bottom:
Schlemizel
@schrodinger’s cat:
That is beyond lazy! His shit would be so easy to excrete that he could simply write 10 or 12 in a day and then when he was away have one or two posted & nobody would notice. If he spends more than 15 minutes thinking about the crap he dumps he should be tested for cognitive disabilities because he obviously has issues that need to be addressed.
JPL
@raven: Wonder what she has to say about evolution.
Schlemizel
@raven:
Doofus thinks “I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry” was a documentary!
dance around in your bones
@Amir Khalid:
Gawddammit, the commentariat demand it!
eta: no new posts since 1:03am? WTF am I paying you for?! {{{smiley face }}}
raven
PIGL
@danielx: I think they made a cult movie about this.
The problem isn’t so much that these people exist and make life a misery for everyone, it’s that they vote, and they vote Republican overwhelmingly. They are the irreducible core support for the Vicious Prick Party that is emerging in every western nation that I know of; usually from the ashes of a Conservative Party (but they are not the same thing). Unless this can somehow be changed, I truly believe there is no hope for our civilisation.
Belafon (formerly anonevent)
@raven: That’s their answer for everything: If get(s) money, then will commit fraud to get it. Yet the sentence “If drug testers get money, then Governor Scott will commit fraud to get it” never enters their minds.
WereBear
@The Moar You Know: Darn right. I’ve heard tragic tales where someone cried wolf once too often.
Besides, it’s so much better to deal with your problems like a grownup.
Bobby Thomson
@Schlemizel: I know I just did. Laugh, that is.
Schlemizel
@raven:
Wouldn’t that argument work against hetro marriage as well? The problem isn’t gaymarriage the problem is anymarriage
Cassidy
@Schlemizel: Oh no. Cole likes long emails that repeat itself over and over again. With Caps.
MazeDancer
Oh, it’s supposed to be a joke. Well, I fell for it. It was the asking for money that tricked me. Didn’t think a BJ joke would include fleecing the readers for cash.
And thought all the not as funny as John Cole usually is cross outs were because he had mixed feelings about needing monetization. Was happy to subscribe. Still am.
Since it didn’t say “you won’t be able to read without a subscription”, just thought it was a sincere need for money. And stuff like $6 million goal was just an attempt at cuteness to cover asking for dough.
Usually April 1st jokes don’t include tricking payments. They’re just amusing kind of trickery. Like Jared Bernstein’s post on Paul Ryan and the GOP agreeing to a stimulus package.
Mocking those who monetize is a humor option. Doing that while actually taking money, not as obviously funny to me. Ends up mocking those who sincerely wanted to help the blog. But hope those that enjoy are enjoying.
Schlemizel
@Cassidy:
Well, when he does not respond to our first fusillade we can do that for the second B-{D
@MazeDancer:
I think the begging is only the first of two AF jokes & they are waiting to see how long it takes us to get the second joke
I am still pouting that nobody liked my Hodor joke from the GoT thread last night!
Ruckus
@WereBear:
I believe it is genetic. At first the odd mutation. Then the mutations started to breed. So the gene mutation is starting to dominate. Now the interesting thing is that the mutation is that as a person grows the head is inserted up the ass(and you thought all the kids you didn’t see were playing video games). As they mature(physically, they never mature mentally, head up ass and all that) the asshole ends up on the shoulders with the head sticking out. And we now have another permanent asshole, looks normal, acts like the asshole they are.
Belafon (formerly anonevent)
@MazeDancer: The give away for me was that John didn’t include the “Pay Me” button in the post. When he asks for money, he always puts it in the post. I caught that before I got to the $6M part.
Yutsano
@raven: When your wingnut nonsense is the plot of a movie you have officially crossed into teh crazy. Go with the nice men in the white jackets, they are your friends.
@Schlemizel: I had a link. Therefore I win. :P
WereBear
@Belafon (formerly anonevent): I’ve come to firmly believe it’s their brain.
They can only think of terms of who is scamming who, who is on top and can dominate, and who is on the bottom and can be kicked around.
And as long as they are not the ones on the bottom, it’s fine with them.
Cassidy
@MazeDancer: Seriously. As much fun has been made of Sully and various other media sites going behind a paywall, how can you be upset for not catching this. The others who fell for it took it in good stride.
Cassidy
@WereBear:
Craigslist near the convention sites would disagree with you.
Amir Khalid
@MazeDancer:
I suspected it was an April Fool thing, but when I saw this
my suspicion was confirmed.
YellowJournalism
@gogol’s wife: That would be a great name for a BJ weight loss challenge, and “AutoCorrect Gone Rogue” would be a good band name.
MomSense
Praise be to Bieber, that Nigerian Prince finally came through so I will be paying the $6,000,000 for everyone!
This should keep Tunch in vittles for at least another six months!
trollhattan
@Southern Beale:
If Cole starts selling three-hundred buck mom jeans, that will be a tell.
Syrbal
It occurred to me as I got my purse that it was April Fools Day. But hey, I LIKE being a fool, especially if I can get the nifty harlequin costume. So I put in my $20 ANYway, because what blogger can’t use a bit of rent money?
Happy April….I will be off to play in the muddy garden now!
Mnemosyne
@raven:
So wouldn’t the most sensible solution be to stop tying health insurance to your employer and make sure everyone has their own separate health insurance?
I know, I know, that’s crazy talk.
ranchandsyrup
Need a last minute April Fool’s joke?
If in office: Put a paper clip on the copier glass and run a bunch of copies. Put the copies back in the paper drawer so that copies made will have the paperclip appear on them.
If in a home: Dump coffee in the toilet tank. Flushing will cause a freak out. This is a faux-upper-decker prank.
Cassidy
My vote is that for those who did put money in today, the funds get used for the next dog rescue.
Teri
If I make the investment and become a share holder in the “Balloon Juice” experiment, do we then as share holders are able to sell our shares to others? If a certain party gained the majority of shares could he then wield the ban-hammer, dictating the pacing of posting? And since major assets of the site include Tunch, Zsa Zsa, Lily and Rosie as well as their food service minion, John. Could the majority of stockholders dictate perhaps a corporate dress code? Level of fitness. It bears examination and perhaps we could form a committee to study the correct way to: 1. gain shareholder majority, 2. develop a mission statement 3. Develop a corporate philosphy.
Hmmm….interesting possibilities
ET
Do we get Tunch swag? Cause if so I’m in.
Poopyman
So, you want us to put in $20 a month to get left by ourselves for 12 hours? If this keeps up I’m going to have to call protective services.
trollhattan
@MomSense:
Speaking of which, “Justin Bieber’s monkey detained in Germany” is now my favorite headline of the year, so far.
Not clicking through to find out WTF is up with that.
Amir Khalid
@trollhattan:
The Biebs should add to his concert repertoire Everybody’s Got Something To Hide Except Me and My Monkey.
flukebucket
@raven:
I thought the libs had made it so when you do not get married you get more of the free stuff. But now getting married is equal to getting a free ride? I am so confused.
Ash Can
@JPL:
Hell, every time one of these cretins opens his/her mouth, I start wondering about evolution myself.
MomSense
@trollhattan:
I just did a double take with that headline! That is some Michael Jackson level eccentricity right there!
Ben Cisco (onboard the Defiant)
@Syrbal: Everyone loves jumping up and down in muddy puddles.
Jebediah
@Cassidy:
Excellent idea.
trollhattan
@MomSense:
I’m convinced he was headed to a taping of “Sprockets.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QHZR9SA5pOg
Tim in SF
I’d donate to the cat. Not sure about the rest of you crazy people.
bmcchgo
I’d pay $19.99 per month for Tbogg. But there’s not enough Tunch posts to get me to shelling out a couple of sawbucks for BJ.
Ash Can
@Poopyman:
Cole probably coordinated with the other FPers to leave this up by itself for a while to see if anyone would actually kick in. Now that they have, they’re probably squabbling behind the scenes about what to spend the cash on, with Cole arguing for kibbles and scotch, Anne Laurie arguing for an official Balloon Juice victory garden, and SPT arguing for cabana boys and blow.
El Cid
I commit to paying $19.99 per month, but only if you will accept shipments of gold through commercial shipping company.
And this will be raw, bulk gold, in whatever form, and you are responsible for testing for purity and weight.
I will not suffer the purity of this element to the filthy hands of government coinage.
Original Lee
@Amir Khalid: I thought for a moment that PayPal had added a comments section to their payment screen and was puzzled enough by that to have the calendar part of my brain catch up with the date.
SuzieC
@Syrbal:
Same here…. I’m stupid as hell, but still willing to contribute anyway.
muddy
@Ben Cisco (onboard the Defiant): Careful, I’m sitting right here.
FrankTheTank
6 million….so 70’s…how ’bout $6 Billion…and throw in the sharks with freakin’ laser beams as well!!!
Ash Can
@Original Lee: PayPal does have that feature. It has a little screen for comments/instructions to the seller on the page when you’re making payments. You can use it to leave all kinds of smartass remarks and insults for Cole when you chip in for his DNC trips etc.
MazeDancer
@Belafon (formerly anonevent):
Should have thought as you about “no big PayPal button, it’s a joke”. But my default position for BJ is “how do I help?” So I even ridiculously suggested that move. I clearly spend too much time advising clients who actually never do cover basics like prominent call to action
@Amir Khalid:
No, I was dream patsy. And I thought the “I’m stupid as hell” remark was just a self-deprecating way of covering having to ask for money.
@Cassidy:
Nah, I was the perfect mark. Didn’t think of Sully mocking, thought of people ought to get paid to do good stuff, and they don’t, and how blogging is basically giving away the good stuff for free. Chalking it up to I actually have to say stuff like this in so-called real life: “You don’t monetize your blog, your blog monetizes you.” And how it’s tough to get a book deal without a platform.
Every April Fool’s joke needs a fool. Proud to have served.
DrBobby
Had me going. What a sucker…moi.
Wrye
Good on everybody. It took me a couple paragraphs myself.
rikyrah
dude, I fell for it
low-tech cyclist
Ummm, the PayPal link is still there.
Cassidy
@low-tech cyclist: Ummm, the PayPal link is always there.
greenergood
@Chickamin Slam: Umm, no part for the hounds? Could be disastrous … just sayin’
cckids
@MazeDancer: Good for you. I’m just lucky to be on the west coast & had everyone else’s example to save me from myself.
I also vote w/Cassidy for donating the $$ to future dog/cat blegs.
Just Some Fuckhead
I’m always a little awestruck by how stupid many of you are.
dance around in your bones
@Just Some Fuckhead: It’s just because we lurve this place so fucking much, fuckhead.
And you are a not insignificant part of that lurve.
Denali
If people wanted to send me money, for whatever reason, I certainly would not ask them to stop. I for one have no shame.
Ruckus
@Denali:
I agree. Having my shame receptors removed decades ago was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I sleep better and always seem to have a smile on my face. I think you have to have the pride ones removed at the same time though to keep the balance.