This takes “vagina dentata” to a whole ‘nother level:
The weapon was discovered during a search of Christie Dawn Harris, 28, by a female officer with the Ada Police Department. According to a police report, the cop spotted the handle of the five-shot revolver “sticking out from” inside Harris, who is seen at right.
In a less shocking find, investigators also discovered plastic baggies containing methamphetamine lodged in the crack of Harris’s buttocks.
The Freedom Arms .22-caliber handgun was loaded with three live rounds and one spent shell, cops reported. As to where the weapon was recovered, the police report noted, “gun located in suspect vagina.”
First, any vagina with a gun in it — loaded or not — automatically qualifies as a “suspect” vagina. (Grammar is important, guys.)
Second, there was one spent shell? She must have been doing her Kegel exercises.
Third, SHE HAD A LOADED GUN IN HER VAGINA, YOU GUYS.
[via The Smoking Gun]
[cross-posted at ABLC]
Betty Cracker
OMFG. That is all.
Egypt Steve
Reminds me of a joke that was going around my elementary school when I was like, in the fifth grade. Let’s just say the punchline was: “Better yet, help me find my car and we can drive out.”
Comrade Mary
That is not how you take a pap smear.
Also: BIGGEST cringe in the world.
dmsilev
Was the gun cocked?
(sorry)
The Moar You Know
That’s not a small gun and not a cheap one either. Freedom does competition-grade firearms, the .22 lists for over $2000.
And…hooo boy I cringe to even type this – all the five-shot .22 caliber versions have ten-inch barrels.
dan
You talkin’ to me?
General Stuck
Those things are dangerous, so are guns.
Thoughtcrime
This is my weapon
This is my gun
This is for fighting
and this is for fun
Baud
And you thought air travel was a hassle after the shoe bomber…
a hip hop artist from Idaho (fka Bella Q)
Impressive. Dangerous. Expensive weapon. Possibly indicative of (psycho)pathology, also too.
Tl;dr: Scary
Reformed Panty Sniffer
@dmsilev:
I just spewed all over the keyboard. Where would you like the Internets delivered?
kc
Bwahahaha!
ruemara
saw this on FB. still traumatized.
Baud
If a vaginal gun goes off and kills a fetus, is it a crime or the exercise of a constitutional right? #wingnutthoughtpuzzles
YellowJournalism
Add “Person Who Cleans Confiscated Weapons” to my list of jobs I never want to have, just above “Wal-Mart Greeter” and below “Any Job Featured on Dirty Jobs.”
Spaghetti Lee
When vaginas are outlawed, only outlaws, etc.
FlipYrWhig
That’s when i reach for my “revulva.”
TenguPhule
*Drumroll*
Stop the planet, I want to get off.
Thoughtcrime
I thought the AR15 was the Bushmaster.
retr2327
Via the “smoking gun”?? Seriously?
Yutsano
@YellowJournalism: “Dirty Jobs” is now canceled. No mas Mike Rowe standing around looking HAWT while getting dirty.
Citizen_X
YOU CAN TAKE MY GUN WHEN YOU PULL MY COLD DEAD oh forget it.
Just Some Fuckhead
Women with guns in their cooters have a way of shuttin that whole thing down.
legion
And here I thought the only way to stop a bad vagina was a douche…
Anoniminous
Say WHAT?!?
This is …
This is …
(uh)
This …
(words fail)
Tom Levenson
And hey? Right on cue — the comet approaches.
No one could say we didn’t have it coming.
eclecticbrotha
Let’s see.
1. Its a good thing the safety was on.
2. I’ve heard of “snappers” but now we have “cappers” too?
3. Is that what you’d refer to as an “ammo toe?”
4. Her favorite sexual position must be “reverse ‘kapow!’ girl.”
OK, I’m done.
Schlemizel
as a younger man I once saw a show where a woman fired ping pong balls out of her vagina. The was impressive but this act would be killer
wenchacha
They called her boyfriend Deadeye Dick. They weren’t kidding.
Ripley
Blah blah blah vaginal discharge yadda yadda…
Poopyman
@The Moar You Know: The Smoking Gun (heh!) has a picture of the “item”, and I’m relieved (?) to see that it’s a snub nose.
Adds new meaning to “whipping it out”.
pacem appellant
I wish to point out, rather pedantically, that the gun could not have been sticking out her vagina, but rather her vulva. Most people have never seen a vagina, and never will.
danimal
Sheldon Adelson can update his aspirin joke now… This is taking birth control to a whole new level… She’s armed and ready. What’s the NRA position, anyway?
Mnemosyne
@Poopyman:
Good thing latex gloves are now standard cop issue. Ewww.
Mnemosyne
@pacem appellant:
To get super-pedantic: it was inside her vagina, but was visible sticking out of the vulva.
Still eewwww for whoever had to check that into evidence.
Gin & Tonic
I don’t have a vagina myself, but that just sounds, uh, uncomfortable?
eastriver
I hear tell she was a crack shot.
gnomedad
The best bang since the big one.
HgMn
Happiness is a warm gun
Tara the Antisocial Social Worker
@Baud:
I was gonna try for a Sex Pistols joke, but this is way better.
Also, single best use of the “Vagina Outrage” tag on Balloon Juice.
TBogg
There’s a finger bang joke in here somewhere.
gogol's wife
I can’t believe I actually read this thread.
Punchy
She took the advice to use protection a bit too far….
AxelFoley
@dmsilev:
Thy internets, wherefore might we deliver them?
Face
@eclecticbrotha: There just arent words to describe just how fuckin funny “ammo toe” is. Youve won the tubes for the week.
AxelFoley
@The Moar You Know:
Five posts in and I can tell this thread is gonna be one for the ages in the annals–I said “annals”, not “anal”–of Balloon Juice history.
chopper
@FlipYrWhig:
you win all the internets.
Mike in NC
@danimal:Foster Friess, a different fat cat sociopath.
AxelFoley
Oh, fuck, there’s too FUCKING MANY GREAT LINES to quote in this thread.
I can’t. I just can’t. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
peach flavored shampoo
Thats one way to treat one’s UTI.
AxelFoley
Oooh, I got one:
Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!
aimai
@Baud:
Baud! FTW.
chopper
i wonder if she was loading it with wadcutters.
danimal
@Mike in NC: Oh, FFS, you can’t tell one asshole Republican billionaire from another anymore.
Face
50+ comments and nobody asks why someone would want to smoke her crack crack?
Roger Moore
@Mnemosyne:
If they do body cavity searches, the cleaning requirements are going to be nothing new. This may be one of the stranger things they’ve found in a body cavity*, but the rest of the business is probably old hat.
*ETA: or maybe not. I’m sure the stuff the police find in body cavity searches would shock the average civilian.
Quaker in a Basement
She had meth in her crack?
She got crack in her meth!
1badbaba3
Okay, “gun nuts”? Nah?
“She really gets off on guns?” Nah.
“Hey, is that a gun in your hoo-hah or are you just glad to see me?”
Man, this is harder than it looks.
Damn, I did it again.
Wilson Heath
I didn’t have to keep reading past gun in the vajay to know that meth was involved.
Quaker in a Basement
OK, NOW try and tell me a gun isn’t a penis substitute.
rikyrah
eeeewwww
eeewwwwww
eeeewwww
scary
opie jeanne
Still cringing, and not just from the puns here.
Gin & Tonic
@Roger Moore: An old friend worked the ER in the now-defunct St. Vincent’s Hospital in the West Village (NYC) in the late 1970’s and early 1980’s. All sorts of cringe-inducing body cavity stories, if you get my drift.
OldBean
@pacem appellant:
What version of the internet are you using? It must be a lot less fun than the one I’m on…
Roger Moore
Happiness is a warm, wet gun.
Keith G
Sounds like a Pussy Riot.
RedKitten
She was just being proactive and trying to keep the Republicans out of her uterus. I see this becoming a trend.
OldBean
Now that’s what I call an inpregnable defense.
OldBean
I’ve always maintained that those who feel they need a handgun for defense are total pussies.
gbear
I just got back from hearing my vet tell me about the incredibly giant abscess that they just removed from my cat’s ass, and this story grosses me out worse than that. It hasn’t been a good day…
Keith G
@gbear: What was Rush Limbaugh doing on your cat’s ass?
Roger Moore
@Keith G:
No, no. Rush is a giant pilonidal cyst, not a giant abscess. Get your facts straight.
Keith G
@Roger Moore: Check
1badbaba3
Pulling the trigger never felt so good. How long before this gets turned into a sex aide or porn?
Good gravy, I shudder to think of all the wingunut fapping going on over this. There’s so much for them here.
gbear
@Keith G: Where else would he be?
opie jeanne
@gbear: It freaked me out when someone in the comments under the article said that this little pistol DOESN’T HAVE A SAFETY!
That just adds to the horror I feel for the officer who removed that thing.
gbear
@opie jeanne:
What a gunt.
Too soon?
AxelFoley
I’m still LOLing over this.
opie jeanne
@gbear: I dunno, but maybe I should have said “the officer who had to fish it out.”
BruceJ
@The Moar You Know: Nah, they also make itty-bitty holdout revolvers like this one.
Commence your inner 12-YO snark… 8-)
Odie Hugh Manatee
Ships sail in and ships sail out…
Not impressed, get back to me when they find a rifle in one. ;p
Odie Hugh Manatee
Redneck birth control. I heard that the police found a few million baby makers in a corner of her cooter, cowering in fear.
smike
“First, any vagina with a gun in it — loaded or not — automatically qualifies as a “suspect” vagina.”
I haven’t had such a good laugh in a long while. Thank you.
Forum Transmitted Disease
@BruceJ: I knew someone would bring that up. I own one. It’s not made by Freedom but rather North American Arms.
danielx
The crime that launched a thousand jokes…gives a whole new meaning to “concealed carry”, don’t it now? I’m trying to come up with one that plays on the old “this is a stickup!” line but so far no joy.
bad Jim
She just snatched it up because she was in a hurry.
xian
insert joke about snatch and grab crimes here
Paul in KY
@Quaker in a Basement: Sounds like the beginning of a new taste treat: Reece’s Methocaine!
Julia Grey
You people. I swan.
Christy
@dmsilev:
haha. i get it.