Still tote gats strapped with infrared beams
Some of you have said that Rick Perry is not that crazy to strap “on his laser-sighted, hollow-point-bullet-loaded pistol whenever he goes jogging“, given the risk of mountain lions and such in the areas where he jogs. But try a google image search for “rick perry guns” and you’ll see some stuff. I wonder if we’ve reached the point where Republican politics takes on the general ethos of gangsta rap. Steve M has written about this before, in the context of Huntsman’s doomed candidacy:
Huntsman is like a rapper who isn’t gangsta, doesn’t want to be gangsta, and knows that some of the people making their name on gangsta don’t want you to know that they have problems with “authenticity.” The problem is, Huntsman is like M.C. Hammer—a family-friendly rapper with mass-market dance moves and baggy pants—and he’s certain that, sooner or later, people are going to get tired of all the songs about gangbanging, and what they’ll want instead is … him and his G-rated rhymes and his dance moves and clown pants. Because that was popular before gangsta.
I’m not sure how far to take this analogy—I think running campaign ads that get censored by tv and radio would be a good idea, I think that getting a Reagan tat is maybe taking it all too far (but only maybe).
Huntsman’s not going to try at all and I think that Romney’s attempts will end like this:
As the band digs into the dance funk groove of “My Secret Touch,” the singer tomcats his way across the stage. Macho and menacing in tight black jeans, white muscle T-shirt and black leather jacket, he drops his rich tenor to a low-down growl for the song’s climactic refrain—which brings screams of pleasure from the overwhelmingly female audience in Columbus, Ohio. “Tell no…body…’ bout our secret” he urges. “Tell no…body…’bout our love.”
No, this is not George Michael doing his Barry White impression. This libidinous creature with the secret touch is the hot new model Donny Osmond.
None of you are going to want to hear this. I’m not sure I even like typing it.
But Donny Osmond recorded some really great songs.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:21 pm
Countdown to DougJ getting accused of Mormon bashing 3..2..
August 11th, 2011 at 2:24 pm
Wow. Just wow.
But when Donny plays that song these days, does he still strap on a keytar?
August 11th, 2011 at 2:25 pm
We’re approaching not Peak Wingnut so much as the White·ularity
August 11th, 2011 at 2:26 pm
I was born a poor black corporation.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:27 pm
It is a pity. If we had more R’s like Huntsman this country might not be totally skull ******. Huntsman will not get anywhere in the primaries because anyone who would vote for sanity left the republican party long long ago.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:27 pm
@Steve M.:
You know, the backing band kills it in that video.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:28 pm
Um, yeah. Like this picture? Jeez. I don’t see how you can’t look at that and not think of an even crazier George W. Bush … and on crack.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:28 pm
i said before that the teabaggers are anger whiggahs…pudgy white bread that wants to be cool black angry rappstahs.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:29 pm
And I say this not just because you quoted me—this is brilliant:
I’m amazed the freshman class in the House didn’t all get Reagan tats en masse. Or maybe an abdomen tattoo in Gothic letters of “The power to tax is the power to destroy.”
August 11th, 2011 at 2:29 pm
Mittens would have to get caught smoking a blunt while getting a ‘Thug Life’ tattoo in order to be as ‘hip’ as Donny Osmond. And I’m talking Donny and Marie circa 1978 levels of hip. Mittens would be out of place at your local Rotary Club meeting.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:30 pm
“Corporations are people, my friend… of course they are. Everything corporations earn ultimately goes to the people. Where do you think it goes? Whose pockets? Whose pockets? People’s pockets. Human beings my friend.”
Mitt today in Iowa
August 11th, 2011 at 2:31 pm
@Southern Beale:
Yeah, looking at that picture I start to see where all those gay rumors come from.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:31 pm
ob-Crazy Horses.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:32 pm
OT (my apologies):http://azstarnet.com/news/loca.....049b2.html
Your tax dollars at work courtesy of “build the damn fence” McCain.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:32 pm
wiggers
August 11th, 2011 at 2:33 pm
Gangsta, huh?
Candidate R: “I shot a coyote!”
Candidate D: “Hm. I killed Bin Laden.”
August 11th, 2011 at 2:34 pm
Jesus that is so juvenile. I’m more worried about rattlesnakes than I am about Mountain lions or coyotes. And needing a gun to feel safe? Dude, throw a fucking rock at the thing, swing a stick. No need to tote your manliness in a holster unless you have other small issues your worried about…..Oh….yea. Maybe he’s hung like a hamster.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:35 pm
My theory of gangsta rap is that it originated as a kind of ghetto response to (and/or version of) Reaganomics.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:36 pm
@kindness: C-130 pilots always needed a sidearm when the flew in Europe in the 70’s. Just a habit.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:36 pm
By the way, I don’t think that Huntsman is weird.
Most of the rest of them, yes. Of whatever religious affiliation. Definitely.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:39 pm
@Steve M.:
I’m sure there are ‘baggers out there who have.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:39 pm
@kindness:
Hey, you seen tha’ gangsta’ hamsta’s in that Kia commercial?
August 11th, 2011 at 2:41 pm
Ah yes, the vast and dreaded Texas puma population kills and eats two, three-dozen jogging Texans annually. You can look it up.
Perry’s pre-jog prayer:
“Dear Lord, protect me from your predatory critters during my forthcoming run. And if you should choose to test me with one of your many splendid flesh-eating wild beasts, do please instruct them to come towards me from the front (which, you normally never have them do) so that I may see them in sufficient time to retrieve, aim and discharge my holy pistol* and smite them in their clawed tracks.—Amen”
*Indicates lasery sidearm, not li’l Ricky.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:41 pm
I guess it might be Perry, if Mitt ‘Corporations are people, my friend’ Romney goes over as well in other places like he is going over in Iowa.
Romney: “Corporations are people, my friend”
TPM
Josh Marshall, August 11, 2011
http://talkingpointsmemo.com/a.....?ref=fpblg
I guess a vulture capitalist like Romney is not the lesser peoples’ cup of tea these days. And the crazy teabagger primary voters will probably like Perry more than Romney.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:41 pm
@Linda Featheringill: Huntsman is a MORMON.
as hard as they try to mainstream, mormons are still weird.
mormon dude here
August 11th, 2011 at 2:42 pm
@Hunter Gathers:
I suppose that kind of disgusting anti-Mormon bigotry is par for the course at this blog these days….
August 11th, 2011 at 2:42 pm
I don’t know why but I find the possibility of losing to a Perry, Bachmann or Palin less depressing than losing to a Romney or Huntsman. If Obama loses to one of the big 3 nutjobs I feel that there is nothing that could’ve been done to change the outcome. If folks don’t recoil in horror over the thought of those three morons in the oval office, really, what could’ve been done to change minds? With Romney or Huntsman they’ll be able to claim that they thought they were so moderate or they were impressed with their business record prior to the election or whatever milquetoast bullshit the always Republican voting “moderate centrists” offer up. But not so with one of the major clowns. Palin and Bachmann are well known idiots and Perry is too “Texas” to water down the “Moron Cowboy” image he has worked so hard to build up.
I’m actually counting on the Tea Party to hold form and force the nomination of the one of the big 3 morons. They were willing and able to force the establishment to fuck with the debt ceiling and they’re going to be fired up to force the establishment to either nominate the whackjob or suffer from low turnout. Tea Partiers look back at 2008 and think if only it was a “Palin-Palinesque” ticket they would have won. They never think “if only we had paired McCain with someone more moderate than Palin.”
August 11th, 2011 at 2:42 pm
@Southern Beale: Dear God, he looks just like a character out of a 1970’s Western parody. It looks like the GOP has descended into the type of pure, bathhouse camp that went out of style in the early ‘80s. Back then, there were clubs with names like “The Mine Shaft”. Now, we have fundie mega-churches cum massage parlors/coffee bars with weird sounding names. Is there really any difference?
August 11th, 2011 at 2:43 pm
Too many music references I don’t understand, especially the last few. Can someone explain what Doug J just said (and yes, I know that I have revealed what an ignorant SOB I really am when it comes to music).
August 11th, 2011 at 2:45 pm
@Stefan: dude…. mormons ARE weird.
do you know any?
they believe in superweird shit like jeebus wrote the constitution.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:45 pm
@Stefan: Oh gee, why on earth would anyone do that?
August 11th, 2011 at 2:45 pm
August 11th, 2011 at 2:46 pm
@J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford: bachman is old news—with perry in the mix she loses half her support.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:47 pm
@Stefan:
Snark? I can’t quite tell.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:47 pm
@sb:
I have no problem with that. I judge music as music, not image. And I like any kind of music, so long as it’s good.
Neil Sedaka recorded some really great songs too.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:47 pm
@28 J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
I think it is unlikely that Jeb Bush is different enough from GW to overcome the recent GHW Bush son unpleasantness and win, but I can see how it is possible.
Perry seems just too much like GW: a self righteous swaggering fake cowboy Texan, and male ditz. Not demonstrably less crazy than Palin or Bachmann, probably in between in terms of anything a sane person would recognize as smarts (Bachmann > Perry > Palin).
August 11th, 2011 at 2:48 pm
@Stefan: I heard Donny, Marie and Mittens himself are going to join forces and put on a play about how raising taxes on corporations makes Baby Jeebus and Moroni cry. It’s going to be called ‘A Whine For All Seasons’, and will be performed at your local high school gym for the princely donation of $50 to the ‘Leave The Corporations Alone!’ super PAC. Pre-order now and Mittens will pretend that you grabbed his ass and croon ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:48 pm
Slightly OT, stupid gun question: Isn’t a handgun just going to piss off a
cougarmountain lion?ETA: Edited out inadvertent milf joke.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:49 pm
@Samara Morgan:
Er, yes. That was the joke.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:49 pm
He should carry a god-damn air horn, if he’s so worried. A laser-sighted air horn with a hollow-point bullet taped to it, if necessary.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:49 pm
@trollhattan:
Snark.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:49 pm
@Raven (formerly stuckinred): Romney Commits Major Gaffe
by BooMan
Heres’ the converstation:
August 11th, 2011 at 2:49 pm
@Hunter Gathers:
I prefer “The Book of Moron” as a title, myself.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:50 pm
@trollhattan: I guess we should all be thankful he isn’t carrying around the blessed holy hand gernade jogging.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:52 pm
@J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford:
Nominating isn’t Congress. You actually have to have the votes.
And actually, the TeaTards have only the power in the House that Boehner (Trade mark: Weakest Speaker of the 20th and 21st Centuries®) ceded to them. He made the same mistake that Tip O’Neill and his successors made (from the other side of the aisle): He didn’t squash them like bugs from the beginning.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:52 pm
@lamh32:
Why am I getting flashbacks to Soylent Green? “It’s people! Corporation is made of people!”
August 11th, 2011 at 2:52 pm
@29 beltane
So, the collection of viable GOP male candidates will resemble the Village People, minus the unionized trades?
August 11th, 2011 at 2:52 pm
@Judas Escargot:
Rats – you made your edit before I could post a joke about Rick’s wife.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:52 pm
@jl:
For a couple of years after Dub’s reelection I started seeing “Jeb!” bumper stickers around town (3,000 miles from Florida). What a great idea: extending the Bush legacy awhile longer.
After the ‘06 election that trend evaporated. He’d need a heavy makeover and elocution lessons to erase all reminders of his brother. They’re too close at present.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:54 pm
@Samara Morgan: I liked the line ‘must have at least 19” chrome alloy wheels regardless of make’
I have seen that here in the KY. Actually worse looking than that was when they would put little gokart sized wheels on a regular sized car. That looked even stupider.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:54 pm
@kindness: Fuckin claymore would be good.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:54 pm
@Stefan:
Forgive me. I think I’m losing my ability to tell =:O
August 11th, 2011 at 2:55 pm
I didn’t draw the larger parallel to the GOP altogether in this post of mine from a while back, but it did seem clear that then-GOP frontrunner Donald Trump’s foreign policy philosophy was identical to that expressed in Ice-T’s “Straight Up Ni**a”.
So, I’m definitely sympathetic to this argument.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:55 pm
@beltane:
It’s like Rick Perry is a parody of George W. Bush.
As of W hadn’t been a parody already.
Republicans are clearly off the rails, every last one of them.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:57 pm
@kindness:
“Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.”
August 11th, 2011 at 2:57 pm
@cleek: thanks a lot, fucker.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:58 pm
@jl: There’s always not Joe the unlicensed plumber to round things out. Don’t forget him.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:58 pm
@Judas Escargot: Depends on the caliber. Some would just piss them off, some would blow off their head (although jogging with one of those would be quite the aerobic workout).
August 11th, 2011 at 2:58 pm
@kindness: Where I used to run in the hills of California, the rattlesnakes would be sunning themselves…you just ran around them. Sometimes they would bother to shake a rattle at me, but they’re so used to runners they didn’t really notice.
August 11th, 2011 at 2:58 pm
Eventually Republicans will have their Native Tongues moment and then white people will start liking them.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:00 pm
Can you imagine how depressing that makes life for Tim Pawlenty these days?
August 11th, 2011 at 3:00 pm
@Raven (formerly stuckinred):
Is that the directional antipersonnel mine, or the four-foot-long two-handed sword? Because if it’s the latter, I’d totally pay to see the confrontation with the saber-toothed tiger that Perry’s defenders envisage.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:01 pm
@Samara Morgan:
FTFY. It doesn’t matter what your particular brand is, any belief system that assumes the existence of unprovable supernatural events is just plain strange. The only reason religion isn’t treated as a mental illness is because believers outnumber nonbelievers.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:02 pm
Perry/Bachmann would be an incredibly strong ticket. Who among us wouldn’t welcome the knowledge that our country was being led by the smoking hot threesome of Rick, Marcus and Michele? Come to Jeebus, my friends.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:02 pm
@Stefan:
oh, pardon. mybad.
i have a hard time telling what is and what isnt a joke on this blog.
After all, Cole frontpages glibertarian shitheads like de Bore and Kain.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:02 pm
@Raven (formerly stuckinred): I was out trail biking with my dogs a couple years ago & my pups (were running off leash or course) must have come upon a coyote den because the next thing I knew my two dogs were sprinting past me the other way and two angry coyotes were trailing them. Coyotes will attack dogs but not usually when there is more than one & never when a human is there. These two saw me, went off about 40 yards and made sure we didn’t go past the hay bales piled where my pups had originally found the coyotes.
Na, coyotes are way more scared of us than we are of them. Around my house the neighborhood cats have to be careful running around in the farm fields behind us cause I see coyotes there lots. They run when they see me though.
@trollhattan: Thank you. I was waiting for the Monty Python reference.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:03 pm
@Warren Terra: Point Toward Enemy
August 11th, 2011 at 3:05 pm
@kindness: My dad had two big black labs in North Phoenix and he was scared to death of the Coyotes. I don’t know how the labs felt.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:06 pm
@Davis X. Machina:
This, but it’s really being distilled to the Whitemaleularity, thank you very much. Leave me out of it.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:06 pm
@Raven (formerly stuckinred):
Coyotes will walk through my yard and always stay well clear of people.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:09 pm
Perry’s hair is to die for.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:14 pm
@Raven (formerly stuckinred):
“Front Towards Enemy”
Uh, which side is the front?
Jeez, man, I guess they made it so when you are reading it the front is the other side.
Makes sense.
RIP
August 11th, 2011 at 3:14 pm
I chased a cougar out of the yard the other day. It wasn’t bravery, just pure paternal instinct. He was among our horses goats and sheep. So I swelled up, roared and went at him.
Cougars have taken 9 of our critters in the past couple of months. Been a hard season for lots of reasons.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:17 pm
@jeffreyw: yea, that’s right, typo
Front!
Course we had an ARVN compound right across the road!
August 11th, 2011 at 3:19 pm
@Warren Terra: I’m not so worried about me running into the snakes as my dogs. They chase anything if I’m not right there to call ‘em off it. I’ve seen them go after big garter snakes, but I always make sure the snake gets away. With a rattlesnake, I might not be quick enough. Yea, I live close to La Grange & Knights Ferry and if I want to go up into the hills I will go above Sonora and this year has been a bumper year for snakes. Lots of rain this spring.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:23 pm
@Napoleon:
It’s more that people seem to stay well clear of the Coyotes.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:26 pm
Jesus H. Christ, Doug. You have an unparalleled ability to select absolutely horrifying quotes from these douchebags. It’s impressive really.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:33 pm
@jeffreyw: It is curved & the concave part is the ‘back’.
Don’t stand behind it though when it goes off as there is a bit of blowback when it detonates.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:35 pm
Oh good god, mountain lion sightings around Austin are like chupacabra reports.
And the gun won’t help if Waste Management decides he needs more of a warning than W did.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:38 pm
As long as he’s executing the innocent mountain lions, I’m thinking he’s pretty ballsy.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:40 pm
@Roger Moore: so fucking what?
its hardwired. see Dr. Atran, In Gods We Trust.
and all most westerners know about Islam is that it makes them cuckoo-bananas.
do you know why?
because Islam is an EGT uninvadable strategy, and fear and loathing is the only defense.
:)
August 11th, 2011 at 3:43 pm
So we have a moron packing heat while jogging. Yup. That’ll end well, all right. Maybe we should start a pool on how many gentleman parts end up getting shot off, and in what order.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:48 pm
So Huntsman is a Wanksta?
August 11th, 2011 at 3:54 pm
@Paul in KY: I’m pretty Jeff is familiar with the ordinance.
August 11th, 2011 at 3:56 pm
Fantastic post title.
‘Money, h_s, and clothes, all Rick Perry knows.’
August 11th, 2011 at 3:57 pm
@Raven (formerly stuckinred): Shit, and I thought you guys were talking about the Scottish sword.
August 11th, 2011 at 4:22 pm
I learned respect for Donny Osmond when he did the dancing in Weird Al’s White and Nerdy video.
August 11th, 2011 at 4:25 pm
I won’t admire Perry until he’s running with a pair of six guns. Just one gun sounds unbalanced, to me.
aimai
August 11th, 2011 at 4:26 pm
@aimai: According to Chuck Connors in “The Rifleman” TV series, wearing a two gun rig usually is a sign insecurity.
August 11th, 2011 at 4:28 pm
@Omnes Omnibus: I fucking wrote it, why don’t I have permission to edit it? FYWP.
August 11th, 2011 at 4:30 pm
“Shit. I know shit’s bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.” -Gov. Rick Perry
August 11th, 2011 at 4:36 pm
I know you guys don’t like Conor Friedersdorf here, but you might enjoy his “Who can give Rick Perry the best fluffing?” contest:
http://www.theatlantic.com/pol.....ss/243330/
A bunch of good nominees are included.
August 11th, 2011 at 4:42 pm
@Paul W.: Notorious B.I.G. aka Biggie Smalls aka Big Poppa aka Frank White letting everyone know that just because he has moved from the drug trade to the rap game, it doesn’t mean he is not armed at all times if you plan on robbing him (or “sticking him for his paper”). Literal translation, “I still carry guns which have infrared targeting systems”.
August 11th, 2011 at 5:02 pm
@ Doug, Sorry, I got more of a Pat Boone vibe from this.
August 11th, 2011 at 5:07 pm
ya know, the failure of this analogy lies in the implication that all hip hop, or “rap” as the boomers call it, is either about cap’n crunch, basketball, young mc, mc hammer, or some other old school relic, or the “gangsta” genre which in and of itself is something of a relic.
now i’m not saying that the gop isn’t gangsta.
i am just saying, huntsman could be like underground, like blueprint.
August 11th, 2011 at 5:36 pm
@Ol’ Dirty DougJ:
http://ugliesttattoos.failblog.....ip-reagan/
August 11th, 2011 at 7:06 pm
And if that’s not bad enough:
http://ugliesttattoos.failblog.org/tag/politics/
August 11th, 2011 at 7:16 pm
Sigh. If Huntsman is trying to go “not gangsta but! It’s okay!” up in this primary, his role model should really be Kanye, not MC Hammer. Alas, it’s not to be.
I feel like this is the beginning of a really great game where I substitute a rapper for every politician I can think of. I need to stop before I keep myself up all night doing this.
August 12th, 2011 at 12:31 am
Does Huntsman or Romney literally believe in the existence of “angels”?
More specifically, does either believe that one introduced “itself” to Joseph Smith? (“Hi! Nice to meet you! The name is Moroni!)”.
The question is neither shrill, nor inappropriate. An individual who aspires to the presidency should be willing to answer it candidly.
Is it wrong to inquire?
No.
It would be wrong not to.
August 12th, 2011 at 6:05 am