Guys, you won’t believe this, but look:
Anthony Weiner’s ERECT PENIS went in Huma’s VAGINA, it EJACULATED SEMEN from his TESTICLES, it fertilized one of her EGGS and now there’s a FETUS in Huma’s UTERUS waiting to travel through her CERVIX down her VAGINA!!
John Edwards, who stuck his PENIS in the VAGINA of a woman who wasn’t his wife, has a daughter who came out of Elizabeth’s Edwards’ VAGINA after his PENIS went in there (it goes lots of places), so she gets a story in the NY Times because, well, PENIS and VAGINA!!
David Vitter likes to wrap his PENIS in a DIAPER and EJACULATE SEMEN using PROSTITUTES!!
John Ensign liked to use his BONER to EJACULATE SEMEN in the VAGINA of his best friend’s wife!!
Chris Lee cruised CRAIGSLIST because his PENIS liked to go into the ANUS (“back VAGINA”) of men who dressed like women, and who had BREASTS and a PENIS!!
Did I miss any politicians TURGID MEMBER in this recounting? If so, please let me know. Open PENIS VAGINA thread.
Just Some Fuckhead
zippppppppppppp
Carry on, all the details please.
LGRooney
Heh, heh, heh… you said “stuck.”
WyldPirate
You forgot root vegetables, mistermix. shortstop will be soooo disappointed…
shortstop
@WyldPirate: Mmmmm, keep proving my point with each comment. Nutcase, nerve, struck, check.
Well done, mistermix.
cleek
Clinton!
SC Gov Sanford!
Mark Foley!
Larry Craig!
Spitzer!
Kwame Kilpatrick !
Henry Cisneros!
Yevgraf (fka Michael)
Awesomest BJ thread EVAR.
mistermix
@cleek:
How could I forget: Bill Clinton, who put his PENIS in the MOUTH of an intern, which is known as a BLOW JOB, which is half-right because it’s a job, but there’s not much blowing if you do it right, is now mad that Anthony Weiner’s PENIS is all over the internet. Hillary, who has a VAGINA, is also angry.
Billy K
Thanks for totally ruining something that used to be awesome.
schroinger's cat
So NSFW! Thank the ceiling cat that I am working from home today.
Steve
Well this won’t get me in any trouble with the IT people.
mario
damn
How did this post get past our corporate firewall?
biff diggerence
What about serial semen-injector-to-women-not-his wife Newtonian Gingrinch?
Ivan Ivanovich Renko
Jeeebus. A whole thread rendered NSFW.
Thank the gods I now have a real office with a door…
JCT
It’s like our very own “Titties and Beer” – anyone want to set mistermixes gem to music?
WyldPirate
@shortstop:
Keep proving your point?…no.
I just happen to think you suck ass as a human being irrespective of your reproductive plumbing.
PurpleGirl
No one has said it so far, so here goes…
What about the children? What will we tell the children? THINK ABOUT THE CHILDREN.
/snark
mistermix
@mario:
@Steve:
I think this will skate by because I didn’t use any of the 7 bad words or the word referring to literature celebrating human intercourse that starts with “P”.
Hill Dweller
Cock of the walk!
shortstop
@Billy K: It will be again. All we need is a little time away.
badpoetry
Being a human… or rather, a primate… or even a mammal… oh what the hell, being a sexual anything… is just so yucky.
shortstop
@badpoetry: Don’t go all Chesterton on us now! Stay with us!
RobNYNY1957
Newt Gingrich, who liked to get blown while standing up in his office, so he could swear he never went to bed with her, and got two annulments so he could swear he never committed adultery.
burnspbesq
This post is to funny as Sarah Palin is to Presidential.
Not even remotely a good effort.
shortstop
@burnspbesq: Psssst….it’s not supposed to be funny. It’s making a not-very-subtle point which nevertheless appears to have blown by you.
jrg
Jesus, mistermix. Have you been drinking?
The Snarxist Formerly Known As Kryptik
All I know is that Breitbart carries dick picks on his phone and we have a whole lot of giant pricks running the country within Congress.
Comrade Mary
Aaaaaand this is why I bring my iPhone to work.
justawriter
Federal level
State and Local
I wish I still had a copy of a little ditty I worked up during the Clinton years. I do remember it featured Helen “Hello Sailor” Chenowith, Henry Hyde-here-comes-my-wife (who committed “a youthful indiscretion at the age of 42”), and Dan “Daddy” Burton.
NamelessGenXer
@PurpleGirl:
Actually, this post reads a lot like my 7th grade health class pamphlets. Of course, that was the 70s, when The Silents-in charge thought sex was really neat and stuff, and before The Boomers-in-charge decided that health classes needed to be christoislamofascistified.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@PurpleGirl:
send them to catholic school. satsq
Just Some Fuckhead
@shortstop: Imagine Burns is a parody of say, Monty Burns from the Simpsons, and then he is crying funny.
shortstop
@Just Some Fuckhead: He always comes off as Frank Burns from M*A*S*H to me. I can actually see the little head shake and the pursed lips when I read his comments.
I’m kind of sad that “blown by you” didn’t get any traction with this crowd.
justawriter
Oh! I forgot “Sperm” Thurmond. How could I have forgotten the ancient pervert from South Carolina. Apparently he earned that nickname for real around Capital Hill for his work on, ahem, horizontal integration.
Yevgraf (fka Michael)
@NamelessGenXer:
That all does bug the fuck out of me. I went to public school and then a Catholic High School. Judging from the difference between my experience and my kids’ experience in schools, everything started going really candy-assified starting with the Reagan years. We went from relative normality and pretty casual “its going to happen” attitudes regarding weed and teen sex to “ZOMG – what about the children – we’re shattering their Jesuslike innocences by telling them about their naughty bits”.
I hate exurban and suburban fundevangelicals. I’m wondering if they even talk dirty when they fuck.
Whiskey Screams from a Guy With No Short-Term Memory
@Just Some Fuckhead: Most comments here benefit from that treatment. However, I’ve always gotten a special kick out of imagining WyldPirate as Barney.
eemom
I don’t have a PEN*S, but I ejaculated multiple laughs upon reading this post. Thanks MM!
jimmiraybob
Ahhhhhh, I knew there was something extra special about the Vitter saga but couldn’t remember. Well done.
[Paging Rachel Maddow. Maddow to the Vitter phone.]
Lawnguylander
@Whiskey Screams from a Guy With No Short-Term Memory:
Barney is too good natured for me to imagine him following another commenter from thread to thread making creepy sexual comments. On the other hand, like WyldRacist, Barney is probably a virgin and has developed a tolerance for mace so maybe.
boss bitch
Mistermix you forgot the Sperminator, Ahnold.
eemom
@Yevgraf (fka Michael):
my kids tell me “abstinence” is, like, every other word and it’s the answer to all questions. E.g., they’ll show the kids an icky picture of an STD and ask, “Now, how could this have been PREVENTED?”
And even this is too suggestive for some parents, who “opt out” their kids from these classes.
Crazy people. Crazy people, crazy people everywhere, and not a drop to drink.
NamelessGenXer
@Yevgraf (fka Michael):
Hippie > Yuppie > Vote for Raygun > slap some warnings on our music and throw us in jail for a nickel bag
PS I will always be grateful for my Silent parents – they’re well into their 70s, and with my mom giving me too much info, as usual, I think they still dig their naughty bits.
Pancake
And don’t forget Barack Obama and his father and grandfathers.
Ghanima Atreides
@mistermix: haha, that was AWESOME.
sets a new standard for awesomeness even.
Best BJ Post Evah.
Suffern ace
Don’t forget Giuliani, who has a PEN1S, announced to the press, who tend to be NEUTERD, that he was going to spend fathers day with his son, but instead went to City Hall to put his Penis in the VAGINA of his communications director. He almost immediately resigned when that came out and has never lived it down. You actually never see him around very often. No one in the press, for instance, ever calls him for opinions on the events of the day.
Ghanima Atreides
@Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: didn’t work for me.
I’m a product of Immaculate Conception (school for wayward gurrls).
shortstop
@Yevgraf (fka Michael): I’m wondering if they open their eyes when they fuck. My spouse’s cousin is a young bible thumper who recently authored a long FB thread about why women shouldn’t run in sports bras around other women’s husbands. There was a lot of talk about “I’m protecting my husband’s eyes” and I was truly mystified–protect him from what? A little visual pleasure? Did she honestly think he was at risk of leaping on the passing runner and wrestling her to the ground?
Because I wasn’t raised in this line of thinking, it took me a really long time to catch on that she was “protecting” him from the sin of impure thoughts. Those very thoughts must at all costs be avoided, for they are harmful to us and an affront to god. And these are the people running too many of our school boards.
PoliticalHack
What a crock of shit.
Oh, wait, I’m sorry… got the politicians’ antics mixed up with “Two Girls, One Cup”.
:-P
Poopyman
@schroinger’s cat: “schroinger’s cat”? Nicely done Freudian slip!
Yevgraf (fka Michael)
@eemom:
My girls are completely disgusted with the emphasis their exurban school administration places on not talking about it and pretending that abstinence is the be all, end all.
The minority of kids who were brought up in tolerant, accepting households were, in early years, looked upon askance by their fundie schoolmates. Now, the good part is that all the fundie kids brought up in the most candy-assed environments of all are rebelling in big ways. Teens engaged in some random drug use, some promiscuity, and quickly outing themselves as gay is really rocking some households and congregations – and I’m loving every minute of it. They’re reaping the whirlwind of their ideology and the culture they attempted to impose; some of the former candy-assed now get it, and have abandoned their pharisaic congregations as a result.
Poopyman
@The Snarxist Formerly Known As Kryptik: Admittedly (and intentionally) I haven’t been hanging on every development of this story, but has anyone bothered to check that this pic that came from BREITBART’S OWN CELLPHONE was actually Weiner’s weiner? Is the entire MSM yet again blindly taking Breitbart at his word?
Citizen_X
@mistermix:
Now I’m proud of my collection…er, library.
Yevgraf (fka Michael)
@shortstop:
If the things you say or do when you fuck would make the Sweet Baby Jesus cry, then you shouldn’t do them. Prayers first, lights out, no talking, no yelling, no demands. Also, clothing should be worn for areas beyond the tingly parts, and the eyes should remain closed.
Oh, and the women are not permitted a climax if they don’t climax during the coitus itself – that’s akin to masturbation, and Magic Sky Daddy smooshes Its claymation playthings if they masturbate.
Exurban Mom
Did you ever notice that the parents who opt their children out of sex ed are usually the parents of kids who are known to be very sexually active and hiding it very successfully from their parents?
Living in exurbia as I do, it’s truly hilarious to me how so many parents think their children need protection from information. We are fortunate to have some excellent educators locally who do a great job with sex ed–why parents opt out of that is beyond my comprehension.
Carrie
Best.Post.Ever!
Yevgraf (fka Michael)
@Exurban Mom:
There’s a real disconnect between exurbia and real life. Those bootstrapping self-sufficient exurbanites (who insist on inflicting their bullshit on the more dense suburbs) survive like ticks on the urban cores they disdain, costing huge tax monies for the extension of roads, sewers, water extensions, fire and police protection, sanitation, etc. They siphon off the scaled benefit from power utilities as well.
At the same time, those exurban family values folks don’t have the same real life knowledge and inclinations of the rural folk toward sex and animal rearing, so they squeal like babies over it. They fit in neither world, and live in a bubble that true peak oil will pop.
Tim, Interrupted
Excellent summary of what this Weiner story has really been all about.
By the way, Nancy Pelosi can suck it. What a misguided fool.
Luthe
Boomers: Remember all the crap we did as kids? Well, our grandkids aren’t going to be doing it!
chopper
Is it irresponsible to ejaculate? It would be irresponsible not to.
Tractarian
Chopper @58 wins the internet today.
PurpleGirl
@Exurban Mom: Because those parents are convinced that if the kids don’t learn anything they won’t be tempted to try anything sexual and they will stay pure and innocent. But as you noted, those parents’ kids do seem to be quite active and able to hide the activity from the parents.
Fe E
@Tractarian:
I’ll second that.
All y’all can take take that how you please.
Mouse Tolliver
How about… Jeff Gannon probably got a job in the White House press corpse because someone important likes to buy fake military PENIS.
Brachiator
@mistermix:
You forgot Arnold Schwarzenegger who also stuck his PENIS in the VAGINA of a woman who wasn’t his wife. The PENIS was probably on steroids.
Brachiator
@mistermix:
Wow, got moderated when trying to recount the adventures of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s steroid laden TURGID MEMBER.
And dishonorable mention should go to Dick Morris, former pal of Bill Clinton, who now claims to be among the good and righteous, and expects people to have forgot about his own TURGID MEMBER, which apparently entered the private parts of a prostitute while on a hotel balcony in Washington D.C. And toe sucking, also too.
AAA Bonds
LOL, owns, more posts like this please
AAA Bonds
@burnspbesq:
At what point did you become ashamed to laugh at things
alwhite
@mistermix:
TUT-TUT – mustn’t say “blow-job” or you will be disinvited from the Kool Kids Klub.
AAA Bonds
@mistermix:
I understand Jefferson’s Doric column was displayed across the porticos of Monticello
Just Some Fuckhead
@AAA Bonds:
You do NOT want to peel that onion.
Pangloss
You should have warned me to put on my wetsuit before reading.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@Ghanima Atreides:
then it worked exactly as intended.
in my experience(yes i said experience, furnished upon request), the catholics really have no intention of saving some, or make the calculation early that some folks aren’t going to stick it out anyway, so they basically use those people as target practice, and of course, to scare the ones they think they can keep.
i have to figure, that behind every sincere effort on my part, to understand, or at least go along, they were laughing their asses off because they knew they were never going to let that happen.
Ghanima Atreides
@Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: dude.
I was definitely supposed to be a keeper for them.
My family is so orthodox that we had an Infant of Prague on a pedestal under a glass bell in the foyer of our house. One of the fondest memories of my childhood was changing its cunning little vestaments to match Monseignor’s for the different liturgical seasons.
They were intellectually incapable of using me for target practice, because they could not restrict my reading.
They just rulered me religiously.
Admiral_Komack
mistermix:
Sounds like you’re hard up for news.
Fred
@mistermix: hummer is a better description because that is what someone who is VERY good at it will do.
So don’t ask for a BJ, ask for a hummer. And make sure they understand the difference. Trust me…..you’ll thank me later.
Arclite
Mr. Mix, your funniest, snarkiest post ever. Kudos!
Arclite
@burnspbesq:
And burnspbesq’s time of death confirmed on June 9, 2011 | 10:07 am
LanceThruster
If you’re going back as far as Clinton, don’t forget the sordid bit about CIGAR insertion into intern VAGINA.
Sometimes a cigar *is* just a cigar…but other times…well, other times…it’s NOT!
LanceThruster
@Fred: Even song selection can enhance the effect. I’m partial to “Baby, I Love You” by The Ronnettes.
Ruckus
@Yevgraf (fka Michael):
A friend had a saying
“He’s the kind of person who only fucks in the pitch black, wears footy pj’s and 2 condoms so there will be no pleasure whatsoever. Which is OK because the only woman who will have him expects no less.”
Perfect Tommy
WAPO is crowd-sourcing the analysis of the Palin email dump by Alaska scheduled for this Friday.