Good morning, dears. I was a little stuck for things to write this morning, so I thought I would have a look around and see what the pundits have managed to vomit up on our internets this morning.
I started off reading Maureen Dowd’s latest excrescence in the NYT about Obama in Ireland thinking it might be worth mocking, but quickly realised there are only so many different ways you can say “Jesus, Maureen, put down the bottle.”
Over at his blog, Bobo continues to fling links to random bits of other people’s sociological research in the vain hope that people will assume “The Social Animal” also contains actual science-like stuff, rather than being 350 pages of David whimpering about how Gail Collins won’t sleep with him.
Then I read Jonah Fucking Goldberg, whose view on Paul Ryan is, as far as I can work it out, that Paul Ryan should run because Jonah wants to sex him, but that if Paul Ryan ran and the Republican voters decided that they didn’t all want to sex him as well, the other candidates could then point out that they didn’t have cooties like Paul Ryan does and win the election that way.
I’m not kidding:
[Edited for clarity: I should make it clear, for those of you who don’t want to get out of the boat, that Jonah spends the rest of that column and another which he linked to fellating Ryan so hard one of his eyeballs popped out …If you think that’s a huge problem, Ryan getting in the race might be the best possible option. Because by getting in, Ryan would allow the rest of the field to differentiate themselves from Ryan and the House budget. Most of the contenders would have to differentiate themselves from Ryan while also coming up with more serious entitlement-reform plans of their own than they might otherwise.
Let’s assume Ryan gets in and loses and, say, Tim Pawlenty wins the nomination. After “pushing off” from Ryan in the primaries, Pawlenty would be far better situated to tell Obama in the general, “Look, you’re running against Paul Ryan. He’s not on this stage. I am. I beat Paul Ryan. Deal with me and my ideas.”
In many ways, if Ryan doesn’t run we’ll have a similar problem to the one we had in 2008. There was no stand-in for Bush in the primaries, so there was nobody the candidates could differentiate themselves from in order to be the “not-Bush” or “anti-Bush” candidate. By the time McCain won the nomination, Obama could claim that electing McCain would amount to a third Bush administration. Without Ryan, the man of the moment, in the race, and without an obvious stand-in for him, the Republicans will be saddled with the Ryan plan whether they endorse it or not. And that means Obama will be able to run against a demonically caricatured Ryan instead of the actual nominee.
I think he could go all the way. I think he’s as close as we’ll ever get to an “Obama” candidate this year — a charismatic guy who taps into something in the zeitgeist and can articulate it in a compelling way. He’s certainly the only guy out there who can sell the Path to Prosperity. I’d like to think that if he got in the race, he’d win the primary and then take the fight to Obama. But that’s all hypothetical at this point. We’ll never know for sure if he doesn’t throw his hat in.
… which makes his Ryan-as-sacrificial-lamb idea even dumber than it looks on its own.]
I can’t take any more stupid this morning, so I’m going to go and watch Marge Albrechtson piss herself while she chases squirrels. At least that doesn’t make me want to murder anyone.
Josie
And I’m sure Ryan is really excited about sacrificing himself on the altar of someone else’s presidential ambitions.
mistermix
What a great reason to run for President – to be the scapegoat. I’m sure Ryan is motivated to spend months begging for money and kissing Iowa asses just to be the designated object of hate.
celticdragonchick
Maureen Dowd does snark…and occasionally gets a good one liner or pithy observation in. Peggy Noonan is the one who needs to drop the bottle.
MikeJ
Newt already tried being the anti-Ryan and wound up apologizing less than 24 hours later. Republicans don’t tolerate dissent.
arguingwithsignposts
Curse you rule 34!
And re: Bobo, I will just repeat:
ChrisS
This makes zero sense.
Then again, it’s The Pantload.
celticdragonchick
Comment from J. Goldberg’s (aka the doughy pantload) blog…
Nope.
No homoerotic, hot sweaty man-sechs thoughts going on with these guys….
Fred
Couldn’t make it through the first paragraph. Jesus titty fucking christ that’s some smelly stupid right there. It’s hard for me to imagine the nut jobs will buy that gruel but they never fail to underwhelm me!
So far they have all let the internal fluffing go to their big heads as well and the more they lose the more they double down. So we could very well see the beginnings of the long predicted Rethug implosion here.
Drake33
Slightly off-topic. What on earth is happening in that picture? Can you point me to where you got it from??
JGabriel
More mean, evil, stupidity from the shit-flingers to make you weep. Via the NY Times, wingnuts are claiming that the Tucson Massacre and Gabrielle Giffords assassination attempt was faked:
The cruelty of these people recognizes no boundaries. I am just gobsmacked by this — and after the past decade, it takes a lot to astonish me.
.
Sarah Proud and Tall
@celticdragonchick:
Did you read that column? If she wasn’t drunk when she wrote that, she really needs to have her medication reviewed.
Bulworth
This is so brilliantly awesome I’m not even sure what it means. But it sounds like that if T-Paw beats Ryan in a primary T-Paw can run against Ryan’s Medicare repeal.
ThatLeftTurnInABQ
Shorter J. Goldberg:
In 2012 we will go to war with the slogan: Unsaving Private Ryan.
MattF
It was edifying to watch the DC commentariat gathering around Congressional Republicans and yelling ‘Jump‘. And then, the Republicans actually did it. Amazing. My new motto is “Gravity: It’s The Law”.
Brian R.
I’ve never said this before in my life, but I can actually see the Pantload’s point. Having Ryan in the race would be a good way to let the other candidates distance themselves from his trainwreck of a budget plan.
That said, I’m not sure how that kind of argument would really convince Ryan to run. “Come on! Let us shit all over you and make you into a leper! It’ll be fun!”
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a Silkwood shower to scrub the dirty feeling of seeing Jonah’s point off of me.
Bulworth
Well, it wouldn’t be a problem for me.
Brian R.
@JGabriel:
Sweet Jesus, that’s fucking insane.
JGabriel
Jonah Goldberg (via Sarah @ Top):
Wait, wasn’t there a “Bush” in the presidency to differentiate themselves from?
What a jackass.
.
shortstop
As far as I know, there’s no rule saying there can only be one in-love-with-her-own-superlabored-wit alcoholic columnist in DC.
Apart from all the reasons why Ryan may not want to be a scapegoat, how would this even work? Has a single one of the candidates other than Newt disavowed Ryan’s plan? Aren’t all of them on record as luvvvvving it?
Sarah Proud and Tall
@Drake33:
I googled “monkey poo” and that was on about page five of the results. It was used without explanation in an article about monkey hitmen. It’s not strictly on topic, but the idea of a monkey whacking David Brooks over the head with a stick until his stupid head burst was very appealing to me.
shortstop
@Sarah Proud and Tall: As it is to all healthy people with normally behaving pleasure receptors.
ThatLeftTurnInABQ
@Brian R.:
Actually it would be an attempt at having their poisoned cake and eating it too. They can attack the budget plan all they want right now, regardless of whether Ryan is in the primary race or not. But they don’t want to do that, because deep down they like it (the Ryan plan). Instead they want to get away with creating the impression (amongst the gullible anyway) that they are against Ryan’s budget by attacking the author of it personally, but without having to spell out in too much detail just exactly which ideas in the plan they find objectionable. That is why they need Ryan himself in the race, so they can attack him rather than his ideas.
boss bitch
Not reading Dowd. I was watching Irish news coverage of Obama’s visit and gagged when I saw her name come up on the screen. Of all the people to call on to comment….
jacy
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
I think I must be a terrible person, because that image makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.
HL_Guy
Question: Even if something resembling Goldberg’s fever-dream took place, would voters believe a T-Paw or Mittens proclamation that “I have other plans for Medicare?”
The record of Republicans lately is to run on some sort of beneficent but vague plan, e.g. ‘jobs.’ Then just start pushing extreme right-wing agenda items that were barely- or never-mentioned in the campaign as soon as elected (eg Walker’s union-busting).
Couldn’t Obama simply point out “This is what Republicans do, and it has nothing to do with what they might say.” In other words, does anybody believe the words match the actual agenda anymore?
opal
Sex… to save the friendship. Well, if we have to…
Han's Solo
What the hell does Dowd get paid? I clicked the link and read the article and I am STUNNED, stunned I say, that anyone would pay for that. And what the f is with her calling Obama Barry? I get that he went by Barry in his youth, but that was a long time ago. I’d bet Dowd went by other things in her youth (“Stupid Skank”, “Drunk Lush”, “Dimbulb McSleepsherwaytothetop” & “Stoopedoo the Stupid Torpedo” would all be good guesses at her prior nick names).
Sarah Proud and Tall
@Brian R.:
It would also make more sense if Jonah hadn’t spent the rest of that column and the one he linked to fellating Ryan so hard one of his eyeballs popped out..
Anya
Is there a pundit more enamored with trivialities and inane details than Maureen Dowd. She waists a valuable space with her silly observations and school girl nastiness. I cannot stand her. It seems that she’s yet to grow up from a mean girl in a junior high clique to a grown woman. She made these same idiotic points in Irish teevee. She also added that Caroline Kennedy “made Barack Obama” from an “obscure senator”, she made him into what he is with her endorsement. I swear, I am not making that up.
Suffern ACE
I know that Maureen has long been excused from the standard of having to be clear when she writes, but what is she writing about?
BGinCHI
You know those shots of crying cheerleaders when the team has lost a really close, hard-fought game?
That’s what the righty pundits are, and those airheaded pom-pom waving fuckheads are going to be doing a lot of crying in the next year and a half.
Snarki, child of Loki
@Brian R.:
No doubt Christ.O’Dumbbell (R, Inner-Tardistan) should get into the race for more of that “push off and look more sane” goodness, also. Too.
Bulworth
Now, that sounds like quite a problem for the Republican Party to have. Nobody other than the Budget Committee Chairman can articulate the party’s new “vision”.
BGinCHI
@Han’s Solo: Let’s just make a list of the GOP pols and major newspaper pundits who aren’t grifters. It’ll take a lot less time.
Brian R.
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
Oof, that is creepy.
Speaking of creepy, doesn’t Paul Ryan not remind you of creepy Gabe from The Office?
Jewish Steel
@shortstop: From yesterday (I could only peek in periodically)
1. I’m glad I make you laugh, but all the credit goes to FRED! really.
2. I’m starting to think 50% of the commentariat lives around Chicago.
3. I’m a boy, I’m a boy, but my ma won’t admit it.
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
I’ll bet Jonah got a brief little chubby when he wrote that.
Jay in Oregon
This also gave me warm fuzzies this morning…
Brian R.
@Snarki, child of Loki:
Actually, with the really crazy ones, I think it would work to the detriment of the rest of the only moderately crazy Republicans.
If O’Donnell (R-Coven), Bachmann (R-Batshit), or Palin (R-Caribou Barbie) were to enter the race, they’d start throwing out red meat to the Teatard base and it would force the blander ones like T-Paw or Mittens to move far to the right and ruin what little chance they’d have in the general election.
Carl Nyberg
So Paul Ryan should run so Republicans get to beat up on him and his plan, so the eventual nominee will be able to distance him/herself from Ryan.
What’s in this scenario for Paul Ryan?
Does Ryan aspire to increase his negatives?
Studly Pantload, a full-service troll
If I had to regularly read The Doughy One, I’d no doubt have well-meaning people telling me to put down the bottle.
I don’t get it – I’m at least as stupid as The Doughster, but the output I have to create to earn a living actually has to make sense to someone, somewhere, in the confines of this space/time continuum we call home. Why can’t I get a gig where just randomly frating on my keyboard brings in the benjamins?
-Studly, happily of no relation
BGinCHI
@Jewish Steel: As for 2., all the good looking ones do.
We need to plan a B-J Chicago cocktail hour (or three). June?
Han's Solo
@Brian R.: You know who Paul Ryan looks like? Eddie Munster.
Carl Nyberg
@Sarah Proud and Tall: What does Jonah think Ryan taps into?
Ryan is a darling of the media, but he’s not even John McCain. McCain actually experienced something that Americans thought they could relate to.
Ryan just got elected to Congress at an unusually young age. I heard he carried a baby on the campaign trail to create the impression he was a family man.
BTW, is Paul Ryan married? Maybe that’s what he taps into… that married guy fantasy of being single again and having illicit homosexual sex.
Jay in Oregon
Oh, Jonah…
“OK, Tim, we’ll deal with your ideas. Was granting a pardon to a sex offender so that his wife could operate a daycare out of their home really a good idea? Especially when the sex offender in question had been raping his daughter since she was 9? Was that the kind of person that you felt needed a clean slate?”
They can’t use this image often enough, IMO: http://blogs.citypages.com/blotter/gieferpawlenty.JPG
shortstop
So many Republican men feeling the powerful “charisma”–undetectable to the rest of the country–of Mr. Paul Ryan.
Jewish Steel, you may be right about the local living arrangements. Now join us in bitching about the rain.
Carl Nyberg
@BGinCHI: Count me in.
BGinCHI
@Carl Nyberg: Done.
Brian R.
@Han’s Solo:
Not as much as Mel Kiper Jr., but yeah, he’s in the ballpark.
FWIW, Ryan is married with three kids.
Hungry Joe
When I see Jonah Goldberg write “taps into something in the zeitgeist” I reach for my pistol.
Failure, Inc.
@JGabriel: Saw that this AM. I have a feeling that some folks are trying to get out in front of the inevitable revelations that will soon come to light regarding Loughner’s motivations.
Tonybrown74
@arguingwithsignposts:
With re: Bobo
Bobo, he of some congressman had his hand on my thigh while having dinner fame, doesn’t strike me as a top …
mellowjohn
@BGinCHI: say when and where.
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
@Carl Nyberg: I’m a Chicagoan and I like to drink too.
trollhattan
I’m imagining a typical Republican reading Jonah’s…thing…cited above, getting to the perplexing “zeitgeist” sentence and wondering why Ryan would need to tap acne cream.
It’s pretty fun watching them all flounder about in their kiddie pool.
Jewish Steel
@BGinCHI: Sounds awesome. I will be in NH from the 19th thru the 26th, apart from that I’m open to suggestions.
I used to do a mean version of GP’s When I Was King. Since there’s at least one more fan in this state, I think I’ll rtry to work it up again.
Jason
From what I’ve heard, it would be most unlikely that David would be interested in a person like Gail Collins.
BGinCHI
@J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford: There is an excellent bar at the corner of Damen and Montrose called Fountainhead. It’s not named in honor of the Rand pos, but it has a great beer/liquor selection and good food.
I’d personally enjoy the irony of having a B-J outing at a place with that moniker.
shortstop
@Jewish Steel: Two, and if I can’t make the meet-and-greet, I’m going to need you guys to record that.
Chris
@Brian R.:
Yeah, but most of their activist base still likes the Ryan budget plan.
The reason they can’t run Paul Ryan in their primaries is that he might win, and if he did, they’d be completely fucked in the general.
Amanda in the South Bay
I remember actually being in awe of Jonah Goldberg once upon a time, like…the late 90s/early 00s. Granted, I was young and dumb, but he seemed like a very hip conservative. After all, he quoted Star Trek and the Simpsons!
I guess being a mama’s boy from Goucher College has its benefits.
Jewish Steel
@shortstop: We got that wicked storm in the middle of the night. Rescue dog #3 is scared of storms so my gf had to get up in the middle of the night, coax him back on the bed and cuddle him back to sleep. He seems a little irritable today. Like he did not get his beauty sleep.
The other two basenjis react to every clap of thunder the same; as though it had been expected weeks ago.
shortstop
@BGinCHI: Just FYI, the Thai restaurant on that same block, Roong Petch, is stellar. That’s for y’all’s general information, not a suggestion to move the gig.
BGinCHI
@Jewish Steel: OK, will get something sorted and then blast out some info. Maybe first week of June-ish.
Commenting at Balloon Juice since 1937
@Brian R.: Has anyone seen the marriage and circumcision certificates??
Brian R.
@Chris:
That’s a good point.
And really, the more I think about it, I’m relieved to realize Jonah actually doesn’t have a point. There is no way that any Republican presidential contender could attack Ryan and his Holy Plan. As we saw with Newt Gingrich, any criticism of it leads to immediate attacks from the howler monkeys in their base.
And if badmouthing it to David Gregory is considered apostasy, then badmouthing it to The Prophet face to face would be the worst sin of all.
Yeah, there’s really no way out of this for them now. Heh.
To quote the movie Airplane, “They bought their ticket. They knew what they were getting into. I say, let ’em crash.”
VOR
After enduring eight years of Tim Pawlenty as the Governor of Minnesota, I can categorically state that he has no ideas. Well, beyond ritually appeasing the Club for Growth or the Minnesota branch, the Taxpayer’s League.
In my view, he spent his entire second term running for national office. 2007-08 was spent trying to be McCain’s VP, then 09-10 spent on the presidential race.
For a good primer on T-Paw, see the assorted articles by former Minneapolis StarTribune and St. Paul Pioneer Press columnist Nick Coleman at:
http://www.nickcolemanmn.com/?page_id=1163
Brian R.
@Commenting at Balloon Juice since 1937:
Good point. If they’re not going to stipulate to basic facts, why should we?
Jewish Steel
@BGinCHI: Sounds great.
Bulworth
Has the rightwing mob turned on Jane Corwin yet for her Ryan Plan-apostacy?
J.A.F. Rusty Shackleford
@BGinCHI:
I know exactly where that is, I go past it on the #50 all the time. I’m actually going to be looking at apartments in the area later this afternoon, so it may be very close if we don’t get to this before July 1.
shortstop
@VOR: This man fascinates me in the way that truly boring people can be enthralling. How do you have a completely lackluster (when it wasn’t disastrous) tenure as governor, earn the lasting enmity of your state, perform abysmally in national polls, possess zero pop and physically resemble a rodent…and your takeaway is “I should be president! Fuck yeah!”
The dude’s ego is the sole notable thing about him. What makes people like that so completely unaware of themselves?
Chris
@Brian R.:
They’re stuck between a rock (their base) and a hard place (the general public). Same problem they already had in 1995 and 2005. But this time, they’re rabid enough that they might just double down instead of giving up.
Well played on the Airplane quote. I respond with The West Wing’s “Ginger, get the popcorn.”
Yutsano
@Bulworth: They’re acting more like Jane Corwin never happened.
Matt
So, Hitler with an Eddie Munster haircut? ;)
trollhattan
@shortstop:
Some questions arise: Does he haz a famous daddy? Does he haz property on which he cuts brush? Does he haz his own Rove/Rasputin? Does he haz fake military service? Is he a dry drunk?
If two or more have affirmative answers, there may be a path to the White House. “Feel the Pawlmentum!”
Yutsano
@trollhattan:
Nope. Next…
In Minnesota? How authentic!
If so none have come forward.
I think the closest he’s ever come is seeing those Army guys in the airport.
Possible. But no firm evidence or solid public confession.
In short: TPaw is BBBBOOOORRRRIIIINNNGGG. But wifey still wants him to meet the end of her decrepit farm equipment.
Villago Delenda Est
@Carl Nyberg:
The problem with this strategy, which would be pretty smart in a sane political party, is that the doughy pantload is talking about applying it to a party that has been seized by the certifiable.
Newt tested the waters on this strategy on the Dancin’ Dave show, and was immediately set upon by the rabid curs that are the teatards for doing so, and was forced to backpedal, furiously, from the sane position.
Villago Delenda Est
@Amanda in the South Bay:
The vile little shit is the Pauly Shore of the pundit class; he has a position only because of his equally vile mother.
pat
Re: Pawlenty. I heard that his wife agreed to his running only because she was sure he would not win..
Sounds about right.
grandpajohn
@Bulworth: @Bulworth: Well if the want to sell a path to prosperity, maybe they should start actually promoting some programs that lead to prosperity, tax cuts for the rich don’t count. one thing I can think of would be the introduction of their number one agenda item in last years election, jobs, you know that program that they were going to push just as soon as the regained power. Now to me pushing legislation against same sex marriage, abortion,labor unions, and more tax cuts for the wealthy do not constitute as being programs that create jobs.
daveNYC
Goldberg’s post doesn’t make sense when taken as a whole. It’s basically ‘Ryan is totally awesome, I hope he runs for president so that the other candidates can throw him under the bus.’
And that’s ignoring the fact that the 27%ers actually like the Ryan plan, so the bus throwing probably wouldn’t win many votes.
If the Republicans really had their shit together, and their base weren’t so nutty, I could see them putting together a cynical ploy where Ryan, or some other anti-safety net type was trotted out and then beaten senseless during the primaries. Of course the Republicans don’t have their shit together, and their base is in a positive feedback loop of crazy.
grandpajohn
@Studly Pantload, a full-service troll:
You have the wrong DNA, get his mom to adopt you
celticdragonchick
@Sarah Proud and Tall:
Yes, I did. Substandard snark and she meanders a bit.
Nooners is in a league of her own, though.
Kenneth Almquist
During one of the debates, McCain told Obama, “If you wanted to run against Bush, you should have run in 2004.” A potentially devastating line, differentiating McCain from Bush while simultaneously calling attention to Obama’s inexperience and suggesting that it was Obama, rather than McCain, who was stuck in the past. A completely unruffled Obama replied in effect, “the thing is, John, you support the same policies as the Bush Administration.” Obama then went on to list some examples. McCain had no response to that, and I never heard him use that line again.
Sometimes reality gets in the way of even the best spin campaign.
SRW1
@Brian R.:
Because that worked so well for the guy who already tried this.
grandpajohn
@Amanda in the South Bay: Yeah, nepotism is a great career advancer
celticdragonchick
@Amanda in the South Bay:
By the way, I hope you are feeling better, hon. :)
Drake33
@Sarah Proud and Tall
I did a google search for “angry monkey stick” and found the following link which has the story. Basically, in China a street performer “trainer” decided to punish one of the monkeys for not doing a trick properly, and the other two monkeys said, ‘we’ve had enough of this shit’, and attacked the trainer.
There’s also a photo page with more pictures on it.
Thanks
Comrade Mary
@Jason:
No, this one seems more like his type.