Note: What with Donald Trump behaving like David Duke and the many terrible tornado deaths, I feel a little guilty joking about anything.
However, as some fine young women once sang “Some Days You Gotta Dance”. On with the badinage.
9.52am BST – Well, my little carbuncles, I’m finally seated in the Abbey after being patted down for twenty minutes by a most obliging young Pakistani policeman. I haven’t had that much fun in months.
I was a little sad that he took my little Beretta away, even though I explained that I was a trained marksman and might need it if any revolutionary outrages were to be perpetrated during the ceremony. He was lovely though, and said he would put it somewhere safe and I could pick it up before I went to the lunchtime reception at the Palace, just in case Camilla got out of hand. Which was nice.
On my way in I was screamed at hysterically by several young women who apparently thought I was Tara Palmer-Tomkinson. It must be because the monkey-gland facial I had on the plane coming over made my nose go all wonky. The poor dear has had so many years of chronic cocaine abuse she can barely breathe without a short length of Louis Vuitton-branded hosepipe up each nostril, and with me in this new wig we look like twins.
The atmosphere in London is quite extraordinary, what with the street parties and the bunting and the crowds of nylon-clad chavs waving flags to celebrate the fact that a bunch of elitist wankers with no chins can spend more on a wedding cake than any of them will earn in their entire life. As a result, I admit that I’m quite excited to be here, even though I would normally be in sympathy with the 75% of London residents who are apparently cowering in their homes with the music turned up loud pretending the whole thing isn’t happening.
You may have read that the police are using special signal-blocking technology to stop the punters tweeting or calling from inside the Abbey. Never fear, I didn’t work in the CIA for 42 years and not learn a few things about sneaking information past the officialdom of third world countries. I’m carefully concealing my iPad under the most gorgeous stole made of dead badgers. It looks a bit like Robin Williams’ wedding night, but I think it’s fooled the police so far.
I’m sitting next to that nice Gareth Thomas, the rugby player – real football, dears, not that padded-up excuse for a game Americans play. I must say that William and Skinny Kate do appear to like their gays, what with Gareth and Elton and Edward and that young Australian swimmer in the pearls. There’s even a whole group of queens in dresses up at the front of the South Nave.
Just minute, dears.
Oh. Really? Gareth is telling me that the men in dresses are actually Archbishops and Cardinals and suchlike. Who’d have thought that Cardinal Brady would look better in a beaded Givenchy gown and Jimmy Choo pumps than I do?
10 am – Bear with me for a minute, dears. I’ve just spotted an empty seat next to that lovely David Beckham and I’m going to nip over for a minute to chat him up.
10.05am – How embarrassing. I’d been sitting chatting to David about his balls for a few minutes before I noticed the muffled squeaking coming from somewhere underneath me and realised the seat wasn’t empty and that I’d been sitting on little Vicky Beckham. I offered her a breath mint to make amends. She accepted, even if she did put half of it away for later. A girl has to watch what she eats.
10.09am – Heavens. There was a woman there wearing a hat that looked like a stork had swallowed a serving dish.
10.11am – Gareth is cruising a rather dishy Guardsman. I had to steal the Queen Mother’s line to Noel Coward. “I wouldn’t if I were you, Noel – they count them before they put them out.”
The flowers are quite lovely, by the way. I think green is so flattering to young skin.
I’ve only just recovered from the horror of Vicky Beckham’s hat. It looked like a pencil holder designed by Tim Burton.
10.20am – The bridegroom and the best man have arrived, wearing their nice hats. So useful for the less hirsute gentleman. I wonder if William is going to keep his on all day?
10.21am – Apparently not.
10.22am – Dear Harry does look so like his daddy.
10.38am – I spotted one gentleman coming in just now who appeared to be hepped up on crystal. I hope no one scares the poor thing.
10.42am – There is a woman in blue (apparently one of Fergie’s spawn) who is wearing an exploded bantam on her head.
10.50am – The Duchess of Cornwall came up briefly to say hello to me on her way in. Betty Windsor has obviously told Camilla that I know where the brake-line-snipping bodies are buried. She kept laughing nervously at me and giving odd little shakes of her head. It was like being befriended by a mule eating a toffee.
10.51am – The Queen has apparently come dressed as a yellow marshmallow peep. She may be the yellowest thing I have ever seen this side of George W. Bush.
11.03am – Jesus. I haven’t seen that much gratuitous train since “Atlas Shrugged”.
11.09am – Heavens, she’s thin. Vicky Beckham was glaring daggers at her. At least we can tell this isn’t a shotgun wedding. Well, not unless Kate has had the baby moved to her summer uterus for the week.
11.14am – Poor William looks skeerder than Donald Trump when his limo broke down in the Bronx.
11.19am – Awwww.
11.30am – Good grief. I’m going to ask Gareth to wake me up when the endless singing is over.
11.35am –
Joseph Nobles – Sarah, since you avoided the signal interference, you might have caught the understatement of the wedding. Dad was helping Kate get her dress arranged, lifting it up and around, and a TV perp evidently said: “Michael Middleton just making sure everything is unsoiled and undamaged”.
I don’t often admit that words fail me.
11.46am – When does the drinking start?
11.46am – Given the use of the term “sobriety” in the sermon, apparently the answer is never.
11.48am – Does David Cameron always look like a worried spaniel?
11.57am – It’s almost done. Cambridge has a new Duchess, Princess Anne can take off her ugly hat that looks like a licorice allsort, Prince Andrew can stop holding in his tummy, and Grammy can get a damn drink.
12.36pm – I’m off dears. Gareth’s Guardsman tells me he has a friend.
All in all, it was a lovely wedding. Kate looked stunning. William and his brother both looked dashing, and William and Kate are clearly in love, which makes for a nice change. There were wacky hats everywhere. No one comes close to the British on pomp and circumstance. After all, all they need to do is play “Jerusalem” and old ladies like me tear up. What more could a girl ask for?
All my love – Sarah xx
stuckinred
England Swings
England swings like a pendulum do
Bobbies on bicycles, two by two
Westminster Abbey, the tower of Big Ben
The rosy red cheeks of the little children
MikeJ
I like the royal taxi light on top of the Bentley so you can tell if the royals are on duty or not.
Joey Maloney
Jay & Silent Bob are livecasting the wedding. Trust me, this is the best commentary you will find anywhere on the net. http://www.ustream.tv/jayandsilentbob
stuckinred
Harry looks like he partied like a mofo last night!
stuckinred
@Joey Maloney: Dude!
R-Jud
So does Prince Andrew.
stuckinred
Bob is silent.
Sarah Proud and Tall
@R-Jud:
That’s harsh but fair.
R-Jud
@Sarah Proud and Tall: Did you ever meet Porchy?
stuckinred
Had to wake up my bride for these hats!
stuckinred
From Jay!
Mrs Milfington
Sarah Proud and Tall
I didn’t have the pleasure dear.
R-Jud
@Sarah Proud and Tall: Well, Her Majesty allegedly did, and that’s the important thing.
MikeJ
I understand that her majesty’s a pretty nice girl, but she doesn’t have a lot to say.
stuckinred
Glass backed Rolls!
rikyrah
yellow marshmellow peep
BWA HA HA HA AH AH HA
4jkb4ia
“There are so many people.” Kate said. “I did not think there were so many people in all of Britain.”
“And you to be High Queen over them all–it is frightening, I know.” said the announcers.
IM[very insignificant]O, you can’t have snark about a wedding without this. The mighty YouTube even supplied Madeline Kahn to sing it.
rikyrah
the top of Kate’s dress harkens back to the dress of GRACE KELLY
4jkb4ia
And at first impression and no expertise, Gwenhwyfar could have worn that dress. The announcer is saying “16th century”.
rikyrah
Sarah Burton of Alexander McQueen designed the dress
stuckinred
@4jkb4ia: You are obviously not listening to Jay and Bob! (Bob’s late)
Sarah Proud and Tall
@rikyrah:
Yes, because THAT’s the kind of omen you want on your wedding day.
rikyrah
I think it’s modern, but not too modern. not too poofy. elegant
rikyrah
William going to the altar.
stuckinred
Jay “didn’t know they’d have a choir there”!
rikyrah
nobody does pomp and circumstance like the Brits
rikyrah
Harry is the cuter of the two
MikeJ
Nice that BBC just shut up. I take it the US media continues to blather, or are they surprising me?
Sarah Proud and Tall
@rikyrah:
That’s what happens when you have no Windsor genes in your make-up.
stuckinred
@Sarah Proud and Tall: He wears make-up? Wonder what the boys in his squad think of that?
MikeJ
Elaine!
rikyrah
no ‘ obey’ in the vows…yeah
Sarah Proud and Tall
@stuckinred:
You haven’t watched many army hazing ceremonies, apparently. It’s de rigueur.
rikyrah
MikeJ
I love BBCAmerica. wouldn’t think of watching this on an American tv network
Yevgraf (fka Michael)
Having a watery tart hand you a sword is not a responsible way to select national leadership.
4jkb4ia
The real service is surprisingly simple, with all the folderol. And I left all snark aside and cried.
(Somebody crown me with love
Somebody force me to care
Somebody make me come through!
I’ll always be there!
As frightened as you!
To help us survive
Being alive)
MikeJ
Ok that’s over.
Has anyone upgraded to Natty Narwhal yet? The upgrade button is sitting there all tempting, but I actually need to use this computer through the weekend.
stuckinred
@Sarah Proud and Tall: I may not have watched many but I was in my share!
Xenos
@Yevgraf (fka Michael): Hand you a sword? I thought it was “lobbed you a scimitar”, but I am too lazy to look it up.
Back when I lived in Bristol with the uncouth republican kids there (the sort who booed vigorously when ‘The Young Ones’ was interrupted by Henry’s birth announcement) they did not call the Queen ‘Betty Windsor’. They preferred ‘Betty Battenberg’.
Joseph Nobles
Sarah, since you avoided the signal interference, you might have caught the understatement of the wedding. Dad was helping Kate get her dress arranged, lifting it up and around, and a TV perp evidently said: “Michael Middleton just making sure everything is unsoiled and undamaged”.
Sarah Proud and Tall
That’s the sort of talk that gets Grammy a little too excited. Bad boy.
ETA: Or girl. I lose track.
stuckinred
@Joseph Nobles: What would they do if something was soiled or damaged?
R-Jud
I am pretty sure that Alexander McQueen, while he was working for a fancy tailor, used to sew rude messages into the lining of the coats he worked on for Prince Charles. Nice.
No one of Importance
@Xenos:
Those in the know call her ‘Brenda’ :)
stuckinred
@No one of Importance: But everyone knew her as Nancy.
No one of Importance
@stuckinred:
http://www.nytimes.com/1997/10/05/books/god-help-the-queen.html
Sarah Proud and Tall
@stuckinred:
The family always referred to her as Lillibet, which I found particularly vomit inducing. It made me want to strangle one of those fucking corgis.
stuckinred
@No one of Importance: Thanks, I may pick it up after I finish Keith’s book. That’s the England I’m interested in.
4jkb4ia
That was a sermon on marriage for 2 billion people. Strong reminder that even if these two people are now a public utility, the ways that they care for each other are something we will never know.
Xenos
I loved Private Eye and Spy Magazine. We would be much better off if we still had such excellent publications ridiculing the likes of the Royals, Donald Trump and Malcolm Forbes.
No one of Importance
@stuckinred: I was only directing you to the remarks at the top of the review, actually. I have no interest in the book or the bloody Royals at all. Off with their heads, I say! [/Aussie republican]
R-Jud
@Xenos: Eh? Private Eye’s still going. I’m a subscriber.
No one of Importance
@Xenos: I loved Private Eye but it stopped being funny enough to pay for, and Ian Hislop is a tiresome little prude. Unfortunately the mocking of dipshits like Piers Morgan didn’t stop his floating to the top like pond scum, and taking Larry King’s spot.
However, the Eye kept me and the spousal unit somewhat sane during the hideous John Major years, so I will always be grateful for that.
MikeJ
@No one of Importance: It’s weeks like this where the investment in tourist geegaws like a queen pay off.
No one of Importance
@R-Jud: Then you surely have seen the latest cover ;)
stuckinred
@No one of Importance: I like the movies about them.
aimai
Shout out for “Summer Uterus.”
aimai
alwhite
Dammit Sarah! I promised myself I wouldn’t read, watch or think about this horsey set opera and then you go and make it entertaining. Now you made me read about it – I hope you’re happy! Reading your reports made me happy dammit.
R-Jud
@No one of Importance: I appreciate them doing actual reporting on stuff, like the superinjunctions and the generally nuts libel laws over here.
But yeah, the actual humor part is a little predictable.
Ash Can
Love it. Sarah, you’re golden.
Peter 'Brit' Jukes
Love this version of the highlights
Cat Lady
The best coverage so far in the US is on TLC – the Say Yes to the Dress and What Not to Wear people. Randy’s a former Miss Gay America and Clinton’s a funnier and sweeter Joan Rivers. The gay men are bringing it. Clinton wondered whether the Queen’s top hat had an Easter Bunny under it, and whether Princess Beatrice’s hat was for skee-ball.
Sarah Proud and Tall
My apologies dear.
Just think though – now you can go back to never thinking about the British Royal family ever again, just like the rest of the world.
Ash Can
@R-Jud:
@No one of Importance:
I still miss Punch.
4jkb4ia
My husband took one look at that carriage and said, “Oh my God, the security!” He was right.
No one of Importance
@4jkb4ia: You realise the footmen are actually royal security cops, don’t you?
Besides, the nice thing about the Windsors, is that you could mow them down in their hundreds and you would *still* have claimants to the throne. It’s a wonder they bother to guard them at all. It’s like putting a security duty on feral squirrels.
JPL
Sarah, Why doesn’t the princess have gloves on?
Sarah Proud and Tall
@JPL:
Well, we all know what that means, dear.
R-Jud
My favorite description of him: “A buttock with hair.”
JPL
Someone needs to inform Camilla that the pleats are not flattering. I’m not sure what would be flattering but her outfit was nothing special.
Chinn Romney
Then I’ll savior the moment. Worst. Live blog. Evah!
stuckinred
@No one of Importance: Please include a spew alert!
No one of Importance
@Chinn Romney: Go fuck yourself, you humourless troll.
ETA: Does anyone know if there’s a limit to Cleek’s pie filter? It’s filling up fast these days.
Sarah Proud and Tall
@Chinn Romney:
I, for one, can at least spell “savor”, dear.
stuckinred
Kate’s ancestors were coal miners so we’ve got that in common.
ET
Thanks. You just had to bring up the name D.D. everyone once in a while his name comes up and I have flashbacks to the Duke v. Edwards gov. race and the best political bumper sticker ever. –
VOTE FOR THE CROOK ITS IMPORTANT
Superluminar
@Sarah Proud and Tall
This is brilliant, thanks for brightening up a trully fucking depressing day for my country with it dumbass sub-Nuremburg flagwaving. In 2011.
I’ve hit the Scotch already.
stuckinred
@Superluminar: Yea, the last thing you want is for people to enjoy themselves for a minute.
Superluminar
Here’s a classic Manics track that’s about right (I couldn’t find ‘Repeat’ on there, sadly).
Why is there a man dressed as a psychedelic mint on my TV?
Superluminar
@stuckinred
I have no problem with people enjoying themselves, I just fucking resent the fact that supposedly thinking adults would choose to do so in celebration of an institution that should not have made it into the 20th century, let alone the 21st.
soonergrunt
@aimai: that was even more awesome for the understated play.
@Sarah Proud and Tall–golf clap
Dogsbody
Dear Harry does look so like his daddy.
He looks like his Uncle Charles.
Chinn Romney
@noone of importance
My, my. If this is your reaction to everything you don’t like, then you must inhabit a very tiny world. No need to add me to your little filter, you big baby. I rarely post here.
soonergrunt
@Chinn Romney: A fact for which we can all be grateful, if your current effluent is any indicator of quality.
sb
Jade Jordan
Really, live blogging this B.S. The interest in this idiotic unimportant event shows that the American empire is over.
Origuy
It’s nice that they made her Duchess of Cambridge. I’m told that otherwise, they’d be calling her Princess William of York.
asiangrrlMN
Thanks, Ms. Sarah. This is the only summation of the Royal Wedding I need (or want to) read. Cheers!
P.S. How was the guardsman’s friend?
JGabriel
Joseph Nobles:
One should think that would be more William’s concern.
.
David Brooks (not that one)
Seriously, Sarah, thanks for the last paragraph. These two old Promenaders (you know what I mean) were tearing up at Jerusalem too.
priscianus jr
@stuckinred:
priscianus jr
@Superluminar:
Cervantes
@No one of Importance: Try this.
Jo
@stuckinred: Far out Catherwood, roll us a couple of Bombers and leave them on the sideboard…