Ah, that takes me back to a fine military-fiction novel that my group of friends discovered when several of us were working in a bookstore. Sample quote:
“Sarge scratched his ass and pulled out a cigarette.”
11.
JGabriel
It’s like they always say; Crack Found In Butt is not news; but Butt Found In Crack is.
You have to reverse expectations for that extra frisson that makes it newsworthy.
.
12.
kdaug
@WereBear (itouch): Precisely. The uni-tock may be somewhat interesting, but hardly worth engaging our attention.
13.
Quaker in a Basement
From the headline, I can’t quite tell. Did the police find it or did the man find it on his own? Did he have to use both hands?
14.
Poopyman
I guess the fact it was crack made it easier on the headline writer. If it had been straight coke he would have had to concoct a G–rated headline for “Police Pull Blow Out Ass”, or some such.
15.
Judas Escargot (aka "your liberal-interventionist pal, who's fun to be with")
Great police work there, Lou.
16.
rapier
Without said crack they wouldn’t be buttocks would they?
The force certainly has a crack squad of crack police I’ll grant them that.
After crashing her car Sunday, police said a Scranton woman suspected of burglarizing the Dunmore Inn was found to have a sizeable stash of drugs and money hidden in an unlikely location.
__
[…]
__
After a struggle with Officer Baumann during a more thorough search at headquarters, Ms. Mackaliunas asked to speak with Sergeant Michael Mayer and told him she had hidden more heroin in her vagina.
__
A search of Ms. Mackaliunas by a doctor at Community Medical Center turned up 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22.
Damn. There goes my weekend.
.
28.
JGabriel
Only 27 posts over an hour and a half? Where is everyone?
A Chinese man spent 55 years with the opening to his rectum in the wrong place. That’s an unusually long time to live without a normal anus. He had a relatively common birth defect known as imperforate anus, a condition in which one out of every 5,000 infants is born with a misplaced, blocked, or missing rectal opening.
Missing assholes, escaped into the general population. It explains phenomena like Haley Barbour and Newt Gingrich.
.
37.
Admiral_Komack
“What happended when you performed the search, Officer Gump?”
“I checked his crack…and found the crack, sir.”
“Where did you find the crack, Officer Gump?”
“Sir, in his but-tocks.”
38.
Davis X. Machina
My personal favorite will always be the Boston Globe sports page, when the Bruin’s Vezina-trophy winning goalie — finished second to Gretsky in the MVP one year — was injured.
Missing assholes, escaped into the general population. It explains phenomena like Haley Barbour and Newt Gingrich.
Can we donate them?
43.
Uncle Clarence Thomas
.
.
Let us hope they do not find a rancid cookie in eemom’s… crotchal area.
.
.
44.
sfinny
I’ve been cranky lately, too. But referring back to the original post, I love my job. No crack, no cracks. Feel much better now.
Plus I just resolved the issue that has been driving me crazy for two weeks. Had to buy a new car, the whole brake system went on my old car two weeks ago, but I finally made a decision and picked up the new one today. What a relief. Hopefully won’t have to do this for another eleven years.
@gnomedad:
Who would you donate them too, though? I’d think that surgical implantation of Newt Gingrich or Haley Barbour into an unsuspecting victim would be a violation of the Eighth Amendment.
That must have been hell if he went to one of those schools where they call roll with your last name first:
“Trickle, Dick?”
“Present, ma’am.”
61.
MattR
@Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I can’t believe I forgot about God Shammgod. Generally sepaking college basketball is a pretty fertile ground for wacky names. Lots of new candidates every year.
@cbear: How do you not insist that you be called Richard or Rich or Rick or anything but Dick?
62.
Omnes Omnibus
@MattR:The name Dick did not seem to be a problem for people born in the 40s and earlier.
@Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I always thought Miroslav Satan had a kickass name.
And just because it amuses me, I always liked Patrick Roy as well. Mainly because whenever he gloved a save I always imagined him making a Bruce Lee like noise that sounded like “Waaahhhh”. Just to rub it in.
65.
Mark S.
I wonder if Dick Butkus ever got made fun of. Probably not for long.
i am a little bit mad at satan, he sucked the time he was with the pens.
or there is ron tugnutt, though i am partial to gnarley zarley zalapski, wacey rabitt, jarkko rutuu…
67.
bago
After a fucen pneumatic fuck wrench, a little dick trickle hardly seems out of line.
68.
MattR
@Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I think I may have to correct my earlier comment and go with the European influx in hockey giving them the best names.
69.
Yevgraf (fka Michael)
OT – Ran into this most awesome comment over at the FReak:
To: Walts Ice Pick
…
Let seniors OPT OUT of Medicare and into something that doesn’t have the gov’t in the middle of it…I hate the thought of having to be forced onto Medicare just because I reach a certain age…..
…
7 posted on Monday, March 21, 2011 11:26:00 PM by goodnesswins (Unlike the West, the Islamic world is serious.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]
Yup, let them run headlong into Exceptional America’s best healthcare system in the world while in their 60s…
70.
Seebach
Can we not have the left try and impeach Obama, like Kucinich wants to?
We don’t need the GOP + the left impeaching the best Democrat we can get right now.
71.
Corner Stone
@Seebach: Can you not keep repeating this until there’s enough people saying it to fill a counter at a roadside 24 hour diner?
72.
Seebach
@Corner Stone: Cool. Just saw the last thread was pretty much dead. I’m done.
73.
Corner Stone
@Seebach: it’s not dead. I’m still eagerly waiting Darnell from LA’s return so he can school us with some more home truths.
True, we may not want to hear them. But dammit! They’re for our own good!
Brian S (formerly Incertus)
I’m guessing the headline writer has been holding that one in his back pocket for years.
Ron
Thanks, John. that one just made my night.
dfs
That’s some fine police work there, Lou…
Spaghetti Lee
Police hope to start a probe by the end of the week.
kdaug
This is news, how? I mean, crackless buttocks might be sorta impressive/newsworthy, but how is this not dog bites man?
C’mon, Cole, you’re supposed to be running a reputable news establishment here. Gotta pick up your game.
WereBear (itouch)
A man with one buttock?
S. cerevisiae
I’m sorry sir, but our viewers need proof!
S. cerevisiae
And Spaghetti Lee at 4 wins the thread already. Well done.
Ian Preston
Old story.
Redshift
Ah, that takes me back to a fine military-fiction novel that my group of friends discovered when several of us were working in a bookstore. Sample quote:
“Sarge scratched his ass and pulled out a cigarette.”
JGabriel
It’s like they always say; Crack Found In Butt is not news; but Butt Found In Crack is.
You have to reverse expectations for that extra frisson that makes it newsworthy.
.
kdaug
@WereBear (itouch): Precisely. The uni-tock may be somewhat interesting, but hardly worth engaging our attention.
Quaker in a Basement
From the headline, I can’t quite tell. Did the police find it or did the man find it on his own? Did he have to use both hands?
Poopyman
I guess the fact it was crack made it easier on the headline writer. If it had been straight coke he would have had to concoct a G–rated headline for “Police Pull Blow Out Ass”, or some such.
Judas Escargot (aka "your liberal-interventionist pal, who's fun to be with")
Great police work there, Lou.
rapier
Without said crack they wouldn’t be buttocks would they?
The force certainly has a crack squad of crack police I’ll grant them that.
beltane
Here’s another funny headline about Sarah Palin: http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/mar/21/sarah-palin-pulls-out-bethlehem-visit “Sarah Palin pulls out of Bethlehem visit”.
The quitter even quit on the birthplace of the baby Jeebus.
Church Lady
I think this one is better:
http://www.startribune.com/nation/118360399.html
She must have a pretty big cooter to carry that much stuff. The best part is the bizarre amount of spare change in there.
Calouste
So that news site has gone metric but the police department hasn’t?
maven
would have loved to remove contraband from his crack…….
gogol's wife
I note that 2,109 people have recommended this story.
Villago Delenda Est
OK, was this guy hiding a metric buttload of crack in his buttocks?
Just askin’.
eemom
juvenile male humor at its finest.
not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.
Vibrant Pantload, fka Studly Pantload
@eemom:
I expect nothing less from a Full Service Blog™.
Mike in NC
South Carolina, AKA America’s Punchline
General Stuck
This kind of talk on the front page is gonna send little baby jeevus into a conniption fit, down in South Carolinee.
JGabriel
Scranton, PA (via Church Lady):
Damn. There goes my weekend.
.
JGabriel
Only 27 posts over an hour and a half? Where is everyone?
.
Jay C
@JGabriel:
Exactly $51.22 ?? One has to wonder at just how said sum was denominated….
“And which one gave you the 22 cents, Ms. Mackaliunas?”
“Why, officer: thay ALL did!!”
suzanne
LMMFAO.
Oddly, my mom sent me this earlier. I’m seeing a pattern here.
S. cerevisiae
@JGabriel: I can’t get over the 22 cents. why????
Omnes Omnibus
@S. cerevisiae: To paraphrase George Mallory: Because it was there.
suzanne
@Church Lady:
Hot dog down a hallway.
Mnemosyne
@Brian S (formerly Incertus):
As a former copy editor, I can guarantee it. I used to live for that kind of story.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@JGabriel:
i think she can thank fsm for not having to face a drug sniffing dog.
it needs a headline like “police hit motherlode in birth canal”
JGabriel
Via @suzanne, a man with no asshole:
Missing assholes, escaped into the general population. It explains phenomena like Haley Barbour and Newt Gingrich.
.
Admiral_Komack
“What happended when you performed the search, Officer Gump?”
“I checked his crack…and found the crack, sir.”
“Where did you find the crack, Officer Gump?”
“Sir, in his but-tocks.”
Davis X. Machina
My personal favorite will always be the Boston Globe sports page, when the Bruin’s Vezina-trophy winning goalie — finished second to Gretsky in the MVP one year — was injured.
“Bruins to play next six games with Peeters out.”
Martin
@Church Lady: I bet you can find a lot of 27 year-olds like that in Scranton.
Josh
@Church Lady, time to revisit this song.
Roger Moore
And now for something completely different.
gnomedad
@JGabriel:
Can we donate them?
Uncle Clarence Thomas
.
.
Let us hope they do not find a rancid cookie in eemom’s… crotchal area.
.
.
sfinny
I’ve been cranky lately, too. But referring back to the original post, I love my job. No crack, no cracks. Feel much better now.
Plus I just resolved the issue that has been driving me crazy for two weeks. Had to buy a new car, the whole brake system went on my old car two weeks ago, but I finally made a decision and picked up the new one today. What a relief. Hopefully won’t have to do this for another eleven years.
Roger Moore
@gnomedad:
Who would you donate them too, though? I’d think that surgical implantation of Newt Gingrich or Haley Barbour into an unsuspecting victim would be a violation of the Eighth Amendment.
Omnes Omnibus
@sfinny: New car, cool. Wadja get?
Church Lady
@Josh: If it had been 8 miles wide, her supplier could have crawled up there too! She could have also stored a Brinks truck to make change.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@Davis X. Machina:
who can forget the former south carolina qb chris smelley. all the potential in the world…for memorable headlines and ledes.
like, and this was real…
smelley, cocks too much for croom to handle.
MattR
@JGabriel: 1 in 5000? That is disturbingly common
@Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: Or the WVU DT pair of Dingle and Berry a couple years ago.
sfinny
@Omnes Omnibus: Toyota Prius. Yes I am now a fully registered Prius driving, latte driving, liberal. And loving it.
Just have to get rid of the old car and all things are golden.
Omnes Omnibus
@MattR:Wait, only 1 in 5000 people isn’t an asshole? That might be true on some blogs, but, as general proposition, it seems rather misanthropic.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@MattR:
or eastern illinois lb lucious pusey
or mlb of/dh rusty kuntz
former steeler qb dick shiner.
sfinny
That should be latte drinking, but I’m not allowed to edit my own post.
Omnes Omnibus
@sfinny: Do you own any hemp clothing?
sfinny
@Omnes Omnibus: No, but I do have a tie dye shirt from a Greatful Dead show from 1986 in my closet. Does that count?
Omnes Omnibus
@sfinny: Pretty much.
MattR
@Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: For some reason I always liked the name of Montreal Expos OF Razor Shines.
Then there’s NASCAR driver Dick Trickle. And yes I still chuckle every time I say Albert Pujols.
sfinny
@Omnes Omnibus: The problem was that I never liked smoking pot. Was an oddity on the whole Dead crew during college. But we saw a lot of great shows.
ETA: Dick Trickle is pretty funny.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@MattR:
pujols is great, dick trickle of course, razor shines sort of opens the category up to the godshamgod’s of the world…
which is fantastic, because very few names, in and of themselves encorage introspection.
cbear
@MattR:
That must have been hell if he went to one of those schools where they call roll with your last name first:
“Trickle, Dick?”
“Present, ma’am.”
MattR
@Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I can’t believe I forgot about God Shammgod. Generally sepaking college basketball is a pretty fertile ground for wacky names. Lots of new candidates every year.
@cbear: How do you not insist that you be called Richard or Rich or Rick or anything but Dick?
Omnes Omnibus
@MattR:The name Dick did not seem to be a problem for people born in the 40s and earlier.
Mark S.
Dick Trickle? Geez, he does exist, though.
Corner Stone
@Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I always thought Miroslav Satan had a kickass name.
And just because it amuses me, I always liked Patrick Roy as well. Mainly because whenever he gloved a save I always imagined him making a Bruce Lee like noise that sounded like “Waaahhhh”. Just to rub it in.
Mark S.
I wonder if Dick Butkus ever got made fun of. Probably not for long.
Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal
@Corner Stone:
hakan loob.
i am a little bit mad at satan, he sucked the time he was with the pens.
or there is ron tugnutt, though i am partial to gnarley zarley zalapski, wacey rabitt, jarkko rutuu…
bago
After a fucen pneumatic fuck wrench, a little dick trickle hardly seems out of line.
MattR
@Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I think I may have to correct my earlier comment and go with the European influx in hockey giving them the best names.
Yevgraf (fka Michael)
OT – Ran into this most awesome comment over at the FReak:
http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2692547/posts?page=7#7
Yup, let them run headlong into Exceptional America’s best healthcare system in the world while in their 60s…
Seebach
Can we not have the left try and impeach Obama, like Kucinich wants to?
We don’t need the GOP + the left impeaching the best Democrat we can get right now.
Corner Stone
@Seebach: Can you not keep repeating this until there’s enough people saying it to fill a counter at a roadside 24 hour diner?
Seebach
@Corner Stone: Cool. Just saw the last thread was pretty much dead. I’m done.
Corner Stone
@Seebach: it’s not dead. I’m still eagerly waiting Darnell from LA’s return so he can school us with some more home truths.
True, we may not want to hear them. But dammit! They’re for our own good!
Calouste
@Davis X. Machina:
Cricket classic commentary:
“The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey”
Ash Can
Let’s hope so.
BigHank53
Spartanburg’s finest…nothing gets past them.
Paul in KY
@WereBear (itouch): I think it’s called a ‘unitock’.
Paul in KY
@kdaug: I shoulda known you’d already be all over this. Dammit, I thought I’d just coined ‘unitock’. Grumble grumble…
Paul in KY
@sfinny: Did you drop acid? IMO, the Dead were known more for sliving than for toking.
Edit: Dead fans, anyway.
Anonymous At Work
Read it out loud to yourself; it gets better if you include punctuation.
noodler
The mug shot there is so unnecessary.
ed drone
@Ash Can:
You do know why the crack between the buttocks is vertical, don’t you?
It’s so, when you slide down a banister, you don’t go “Bub-m, bub-m, bub-m, bub-m” *
Ed
(*The sound of a finger rapidly moving the lips vertically while you hum).