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Headline Fail

By John Cole March 21st, 2011

Kinda speaks for itself, no?

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Posted in Clown Shoes
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This entry was posted on Monday, March 21st, 2011 at 9:38 pm and is filed under Clown Shoes. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.
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82 Responses to “Headline Fail”



  1. 1 Brian S (formerly Incertus) Says:

    I’m guessing the headline writer has been holding that one in his back pocket for years.


    March 21st, 2011 at 9:41 pm



  2. 2 Ron Says:

    Thanks, John. that one just made my night.


    March 21st, 2011 at 9:43 pm



  3. 3 dfs Says:

    That’s some fine police work there, Lou…


    March 21st, 2011 at 9:43 pm



  4. 4 Spaghetti Lee Says:

    Police hope to start a probe by the end of the week.


    March 21st, 2011 at 9:48 pm



  5. 5 kdaug Says:

    This is news, how? I mean, crackless buttocks might be sorta impressive/newsworthy, but how is this not dog bites man?

    C’mon, Cole, you’re supposed to be running a reputable news establishment here. Gotta pick up your game.


    March 21st, 2011 at 9:51 pm



  6. 6 WereBear (itouch) Says:

    A man with one buttock?


    March 21st, 2011 at 9:55 pm



  7. 7 S. cerevisiae Says:

    I’m sorry sir, but our viewers need proof!


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:03 pm



  8. 8 S. cerevisiae Says:

    And Spaghetti Lee at 4 wins the thread already. Well done.


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:04 pm



  9. 9 Ian Preston Says:

    Old story.


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:05 pm



  10. 10 Redshift Says:

    Ah, that takes me back to a fine military-fiction novel that my group of friends discovered when several of us were working in a bookstore. Sample quote:

    “Sarge scratched his ass and pulled out a cigarette.”


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:06 pm



  11. 11 JGabriel Says:

    It’s like they always say; Crack Found In Butt is not news; but Butt Found In Crack is.

    You have to reverse expectations for that extra frisson that makes it newsworthy.

    .


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:08 pm



  12. 12 kdaug Says:

    @WereBear (itouch): Precisely. The uni-tock may be somewhat interesting, but hardly worth engaging our attention.


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:08 pm



  13. 13 Quaker in a Basement Says:

    From the headline, I can’t quite tell. Did the police find it or did the man find it on his own? Did he have to use both hands?


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:11 pm



  14. 14 Poopyman Says:

    I guess the fact it was crack made it easier on the headline writer. If it had been straight coke he would have had to concoct a G—rated headline for “Police Pull Blow Out Ass”, or some such.


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:17 pm



  15. 15 Judas Escargot (aka "your liberal-interventionist pal, who's fun to be with") Says:

    Great police work there, Lou.


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:26 pm



  16. 16 rapier Says:

    Without said crack they wouldn’t be buttocks would they?

    The force certainly has a crack squad of crack police I’ll grant them that.


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:32 pm



  17. 17 beltane Says:

    Here’s another funny headline about Sarah Palin: http://www.guardian.co.uk/worl.....ehem-visit “Sarah Palin pulls out of Bethlehem visit”.

    The quitter even quit on the birthplace of the baby Jeebus.


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:34 pm



  18. 18 Church Lady Says:

    I think this one is better:

    http://www.startribune.com/nation/118360399.html

    She must have a pretty big cooter to carry that much stuff. The best part is the bizarre amount of spare change in there.


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:35 pm



  19. 19 Calouste Says:

    So that news site has gone metric but the police department hasn’t?


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:36 pm



  20. 20 maven Says:

    would have loved to remove contraband from his crack…....


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:45 pm



  21. 21 gogol's wife Says:

    I note that 2,109 people have recommended this story.


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:46 pm



  22. 22 Villago Delenda Est Says:

    OK, was this guy hiding a metric buttload of crack in his buttocks?

    Just askin’.


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:56 pm



  23. 23 eemom Says:

    juvenile male humor at its finest.

    not that there’s anything wrong with that, of course.


    March 21st, 2011 at 10:57 pm



  24. 24 Vibrant Pantload, fka Studly Pantload Says:

    @eemom:

    I expect nothing less from a Full Service Blog™.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:09 pm



  25. 25 Mike in NC Says:

    South Carolina, AKA America’s Punchline


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:10 pm



  26. 26 General Stuck Says:

    Spartanburg Police: Crack Found In Man’s Buttocks

    This kind of talk on the front page is gonna send little baby jeevus into a conniption fit, down in South Carolinee.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:14 pm



  27. 27 JGabriel Says:

    Scranton, PA (via Church Lady):

    After crashing her car Sunday, police said a Scranton woman suspected of burglarizing the Dunmore Inn was found to have a sizeable stash of drugs and money hidden in an unlikely location.

    [...]

    After a struggle with Officer Baumann during a more thorough search at headquarters, Ms. Mackaliunas asked to speak with Sergeant Michael Mayer and told him she had hidden more heroin in her vagina.

    A search of Ms. Mackaliunas by a doctor at Community Medical Center turned up 54 bags of heroin, 31 empty bags used to package heroin, 8.5 prescription pills and $51.22.

    Damn. There goes my weekend.

    .


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:16 pm



  28. 28 JGabriel Says:

    Only 27 posts over an hour and a half? Where is everyone?

    .


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:22 pm



  29. 29 Jay C Says:

    @JGabriel:

    Exactly $51.22 ?? One has to wonder at just how said sum was denominated….

    “And which one gave you the 22 cents, Ms. Mackaliunas?”

    “Why, officer: thay ALL did!!”


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:25 pm



  30. 30 suzanne Says:

    LMMFAO.
    Oddly, my mom sent me this earlier. I’m seeing a pattern here.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:27 pm



  31. 31 S. cerevisiae Says:

    @JGabriel: I can’t get over the 22 cents. why????


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:27 pm



  32. 32 Omnes Omnibus Says:

    @S. cerevisiae: To paraphrase George Mallory: Because it was there.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:30 pm



  33. 33 suzanne Says:

    @Church Lady:

    She must have a pretty big cooter to carry that much stuff.

    Hot dog down a hallway.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:30 pm



  34. 34 Mnemosyne Says:

    @Brian S (formerly Incertus):

    As a former copy editor, I can guarantee it. I used to live for that kind of story.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:30 pm



  35. 35 Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal Says:

    @JGabriel:

    i think she can thank fsm for not having to face a drug sniffing dog.

    it needs a headline like “police hit motherlode in birth canal”


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:30 pm



  36. 36 JGabriel Says:

    Via @suzanne, a man with no asshole:

    A Chinese man spent 55 years with the opening to his rectum in the wrong place. That’s an unusually long time to live without a normal anus. He had a relatively common birth defect known as imperforate anus, a condition in which one out of every 5,000 infants is born with a misplaced, blocked, or missing rectal opening.

    Missing assholes, escaped into the general population. It explains phenomena like Haley Barbour and Newt Gingrich.

    .


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:35 pm



  37. 37 Admiral_Komack Says:

    “What happended when you performed the search, Officer Gump?”

    “I checked his crack…and found the crack, sir.”

    “Where did you find the crack, Officer Gump?”

    “Sir, in his but-tocks.”


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:38 pm



  38. 38 Davis X. Machina Says:

    My personal favorite will always be the Boston Globe sports page, when the Bruin’s Vezina-trophy winning goalie—finished second to Gretsky in the MVP one year—was injured.

    “Bruins to play next six games with Peeters out.”


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:39 pm



  39. 39 Martin Says:

    @Church Lady: I bet you can find a lot of 27 year-olds like that in Scranton.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:39 pm



  40. 40 Josh Says:

    @Church Lady, time to revisit this song.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:39 pm



  41. 41 Roger Moore Says:

    And now for something completely different.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:41 pm



  42. 42 gnomedad Says:

    @JGabriel:

    Missing assholes, escaped into the general population. It explains phenomena like Haley Barbour and Newt Gingrich.

    Can we donate them?


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:45 pm



  43. 43 Uncle Clarence Thomas Says:

    .
    .

    Let us hope they do not find a rancid cookie in eemom’s… crotchal area.
    .

    .


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:46 pm



  44. 44 sfinny Says:

    I’ve been cranky lately, too. But referring back to the original post, I love my job. No crack, no cracks. Feel much better now.

    Plus I just resolved the issue that has been driving me crazy for two weeks. Had to buy a new car, the whole brake system went on my old car two weeks ago, but I finally made a decision and picked up the new one today. What a relief. Hopefully won’t have to do this for another eleven years.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:47 pm



  45. 45 Roger Moore Says:

    @gnomedad:
    Who would you donate them too, though? I’d think that surgical implantation of Newt Gingrich or Haley Barbour into an unsuspecting victim would be a violation of the Eighth Amendment.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:49 pm



  46. 46 Omnes Omnibus Says:

    @sfinny: New car, cool. Wadja get?


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:50 pm



  47. 47 Church Lady Says:

    @Josh: If it had been 8 miles wide, her supplier could have crawled up there too! She could have also stored a Brinks truck to make change.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:50 pm



  48. 48 Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal Says:

    @Davis X. Machina:

    who can forget the former south carolina qb chris smelley. all the potential in the world…for memorable headlines and ledes.

    like, and this was real…

    smelley, cocks too much for croom to handle.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:52 pm



  49. 49 MattR Says:

    @JGabriel: 1 in 5000? That is disturbingly common

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: Or the WVU DT pair of Dingle and Berry a couple years ago.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:53 pm



  50. 50 sfinny Says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: Toyota Prius. Yes I am now a fully registered Prius driving, latte driving, liberal. And loving it.

    Just have to get rid of the old car and all things are golden.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:58 pm



  51. 51 Omnes Omnibus Says:

    @MattR:Wait, only 1 in 5000 people isn’t an asshole? That might be true on some blogs, but, as general proposition, it seems rather misanthropic.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:58 pm



  52. 52 Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal Says:

    @MattR:

    or eastern illinois lb lucious pusey

    or mlb of/dh rusty kuntz

    former steeler qb dick shiner.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:59 pm



  53. 53 sfinny Says:

    That should be latte drinking, but I’m not allowed to edit my own post.


    March 21st, 2011 at 11:59 pm



  54. 54 Omnes Omnibus Says:

    @sfinny: Do you own any hemp clothing?


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:00 am



  55. 55 sfinny Says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: No, but I do have a tie dye shirt from a Greatful Dead show from 1986 in my closet. Does that count?


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:03 am



  56. 56 Omnes Omnibus Says:

    @sfinny: Pretty much.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:04 am



  57. 57 MattR Says:

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: For some reason I always liked the name of Montreal Expos OF Razor Shines.

    Then there’s NASCAR driver Dick Trickle. And yes I still chuckle every time I say Albert Pujols.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:04 am



  58. 58 sfinny Says:

    @Omnes Omnibus: The problem was that I never liked smoking pot. Was an oddity on the whole Dead crew during college. But we saw a lot of great shows.

    ETA: Dick Trickle is pretty funny.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:10 am



  59. 59 Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal Says:

    @MattR:

    pujols is great, dick trickle of course, razor shines sort of opens the category up to the godshamgod’s of the world…

    which is fantastic, because very few names, in and of themselves encorage introspection.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:11 am



  60. 60 cbear Says:

    @MattR:

    NASCAR driver Dick Trickle

    That must have been hell if he went to one of those schools where they call roll with your last name first:

    “Trickle, Dick?”

    “Present, ma’am.”


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:16 am



  61. 61 MattR Says:

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I can’t believe I forgot about God Shammgod. Generally sepaking college basketball is a pretty fertile ground for wacky names. Lots of new candidates every year.

    @cbear: How do you not insist that you be called Richard or Rich or Rick or anything but Dick?


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:18 am



  62. 62 Omnes Omnibus Says:

    @MattR:The name Dick did not seem to be a problem for people born in the 40s and earlier.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:26 am



  63. 63 Mark S. Says:

    Dick Trickle? Geez, he does exist, though.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:30 am



  64. 64 Corner Stone Says:

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I always thought Miroslav Satan had a kickass name.
    And just because it amuses me, I always liked Patrick Roy as well. Mainly because whenever he gloved a save I always imagined him making a Bruce Lee like noise that sounded like “Waaahhhh”. Just to rub it in.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:40 am



  65. 65 Mark S. Says:

    I wonder if Dick Butkus ever got made fun of. Probably not for long.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:50 am



  66. 66 Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal Says:

    @Corner Stone:

    hakan loob.

    i am a little bit mad at satan, he sucked the time he was with the pens.

    or there is ron tugnutt, though i am partial to gnarley zarley zalapski, wacey rabitt, jarkko rutuu…


    March 22nd, 2011 at 1:00 am



  67. 67 bago Says:

    After a fucen pneumatic fuck wrench, a little dick trickle hardly seems out of line.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 1:04 am



  68. 68 MattR Says:

    @Fucen Pneumatic Fuck Wrench Tarmal: I think I may have to correct my earlier comment and go with the European influx in hockey giving them the best names.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 1:08 am



  69. 69 Yevgraf (fka Michael) Says:

    OT - Ran into this most awesome comment over at the FReak:

    http://www.freerepublic.com/fo.....s?page=7#7

    To: Walts Ice Pick
    ...
    Let seniors OPT OUT of Medicare and into something that doesn’t have the gov’t in the middle of it…I hate the thought of having to be forced onto Medicare just because I reach a certain age…..
    ...
    7 posted on Monday, March 21, 2011 11:26:00 PM by goodnesswins (Unlike the West, the Islamic world is serious.)
    [ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

    Yup, let them run headlong into Exceptional America’s best healthcare system in the world while in their 60s…


    March 22nd, 2011 at 1:12 am



  70. 70 Seebach Says:

    Can we not have the left try and impeach Obama, like Kucinich wants to?

    We don’t need the GOP + the left impeaching the best Democrat we can get right now.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 1:28 am



  71. 71 Corner Stone Says:

    @Seebach: Can you not keep repeating this until there’s enough people saying it to fill a counter at a roadside 24 hour diner?


    March 22nd, 2011 at 1:35 am



  72. 72 Seebach Says:

    @Corner Stone: Cool. Just saw the last thread was pretty much dead. I’m done.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 1:38 am



  73. 73 Corner Stone Says:

    @Seebach: it’s not dead. I’m still eagerly waiting Darnell from LA’s return so he can school us with some more home truths.
    True, we may not want to hear them. But dammit! They’re for our own good!


    March 22nd, 2011 at 1:41 am



  74. 74 Calouste Says:

    @Davis X. Machina:

    Cricket classic commentary:
    “The bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey”


    March 22nd, 2011 at 1:55 am



  75. 75 Ash Can Says:

    Crack Found In Man’s Buttocks

    Let’s hope so.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 5:32 am



  76. 76 BigHank53 Says:

    Spartanburg’s finest…nothing gets past them.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 9:18 am



  77. 77 Paul in KY Says:

    @WereBear (itouch): I think it’s called a ‘unitock’.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 11:18 am



  78. 78 Paul in KY Says:

    @kdaug: I shoulda known you’d already be all over this. Dammit, I thought I’d just coined ‘unitock’. Grumble grumble…


    March 22nd, 2011 at 11:19 am



  79. 79 Paul in KY Says:

    @sfinny: Did you drop acid? IMO, the Dead were known more for sliving than for toking.

    Edit: Dead fans, anyway.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 11:23 am



  80. 80 Anonymous At Work Says:

    Read it out loud to yourself; it gets better if you include punctuation.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 12:02 pm



  81. 81 noodler Says:

    The mug shot there is so unnecessary.


    March 22nd, 2011 at 2:17 pm



  82. 82 ed drone Says:

    @Ash Can:

    You do know why the crack between the buttocks is vertical, don’t you?

    It’s so, when you slide down a banister, you don’t go “Bub-m, bub-m, bub-m, bub-m” *

    Ed

    (*The sound of a finger rapidly moving the lips vertically while you hum).


    March 22nd, 2011 at 4:41 pm