All about the Benjamins
By DougJ, Head of Infidelity April 21st, 2010
I’m pretty sure that the new $100 bills will produce some kind of wingnut freakout.
The most obvious angle is “they look like European money!”, but we may also see some chatter about jack-booted Federal thugs coming to take back all the old hundreds.
Also too, it’s a lot tougher to counterfeit a chicken than to counterfeit a piece of paper.
Posted in Good News For Conservatives, Other
Dunno, planted several eggs yesterday. I’m expecting a bumper crop of chickens any day now.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:46 pm
Planted a C-note once, but the money tree that grew from it only bore dollar bills. Genetic drift, I figure. There was a bonus though. Never had rake the yard again.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:47 pm
@jeffreyw: I thought genetics were satanist beliefs. Unless another Bush is running for office, of course …
April 21st, 2010 at 12:49 pm
Looking for another wingnut circus? Story in the paper today about the trial of a teen hacker who broke into Palin’s emails and other files during the 2008 campaign. Palin and even Todd are on the witness list. Can just imagine the media frenzy if they actually appear.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:50 pm
Paper currency which does not feature Ronald Reagan is UNCONSTUSHULL.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:51 pm
Obama should put a copy of his birth certificate on the back of the new bill.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:53 pm
Counterfeit a chicken? Have you forgotten about the ones with huge breasts designed for consumption?
April 21st, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Well, yeah, this new C-note should raise alarm bells. Just watch the video in the link showing the new bill’s supposed security features.
The security watermark portrait doesn’t look like Franklin at all. It’s Jack Benny, known liberal and early media race-mixer integrationist who started corrupting our youth over 50 years ago. Benny also did not age a year after he turned 39 and died (supposedly) under mysterious circumstances.
Jack Benny, Joe Biden, Barack O’Bama. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
Glenn Beck will be talking about this soon, and be sure to watch my commercials for my Benny New World Order replicant detector, which will come in handy for the coming New World Order Bennycopalypse. You will need to identify the replicant Benny zombies coming to take your stuff and give it to Rochester replicants, who will then oppress you.
The Benny watermark portrain is an obvious signal for the New Order thugs to Prepare. You should be prepared too.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:55 pm
I’ve always believed we should go back to the Gold Chicken Standard.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:55 pm
a pal of mine has worked on engraving several of the latest bills, and he says there are more security features hidden in the portraits and borders than in the rest of the bill! Oh, and the US currency is not printed on paper, fyi.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:57 pm
You really want to see some heads explode? Tell them we INSIST on putting Sarah Palin on the front. (nekkid on a bear skin rug on the back – they all get snatched up as masturbatory aids and never be circulated)
Bonus: Snappy catch phrase “It’s all about the Palins” also to
whatever.
Moreover forget about St. Ronnie on a $50 instead of Grant – I think they should use Michael Steele – THAT train will NEVER sail.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:58 pm
I just pass pigeons off as chickens. You would be amazed at how many medical procedures I have had done that way.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:59 pm
@jeffreyw:
Regression to the mean: cf. Romney (Mitt), Bush (George W.), etc.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:59 pm
Also, they have RFID chips so they can track you when you buy guns with them.
April 21st, 2010 at 12:59 pm
If my grandfather and his brother could be brought back from the cosmos for a couple of hours they could relate the story of one week in the summer of ‘35 when the two of them, a lawyer and a doctor, netted several baskets of vegetables, a ham, 6 chickens and nine bucks in cash for a weeks worth of medicine and law!
April 21st, 2010 at 1:00 pm
@Bob K: So the nekkid Palin is not shooting something?
What a sorry excuse for a suggestion.
Once you know the signs, New World Order agents are easy to spot.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:00 pm
I’m sure today’s inkjets are up to the job of printing convincing counterfeit chickens, though admittedly cleaning stray feathers out of the rollers and such is quite tedious.
dms
April 21st, 2010 at 1:01 pm
The new bills have microchips that make your, um, personal area glow in the dark.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:03 pm
Get you some MPC’s with Jose Jimenez and Submarines and shit!
April 21st, 2010 at 1:03 pm
If counterfeit chickens were good enough for our grandparents, they’re good enough for us!
April 21st, 2010 at 1:04 pm
Kind of OT, but this is from yesterday in Boulder, CO. Think the news media will show a peaceful protest like this that has at least three times the attendance of your average teabagger rally? Didn’t think so.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:05 pm
The U.S. has always had the most boring looking money on the planet, practically. I, for one, welcome our new European Looking Overlord bills.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:05 pm
If chickens are the new currency, then what does one pay the chicken farmer with? Why the fuck would he want more chickens?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:06 pm
@ruuffles: Have you forgotten about the ones with huge breasts designed for consumption?
No need to get all porn-y about it.
.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:07 pm
@Punchy: Doctors pay the chicken farmers in free plastic surgery.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:07 pm
@El Cid: What if it’s Ronald Reagan in flagrante with Tom Jefferson or Bill Clinton? Would that be constushinanal currency in your opinion?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:10 pm
@Punchy: The chicen farmer is paid with crushed oyster shells, to help the chicken farmer’s chickens lay eggs.
The oyster farmer is paid with salt.
The salt farmer is paid with pepper.
The pepper farmer is paid with steak.
And the continuation is very obvious, until you get to the spaghetti mines, which complete the cycle.
You people need to talk with your grandfolks and learn the economic circular flow everyone used in the good old days.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:12 pm
do the chickens have large talons ?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:13 pm
Ever eaten a McNugget?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:13 pm
@Crashman: But how do hookers pay the chicken far…..oh, I get it. Nevermind.
/looks up local chicken farm zoning regs….
April 21st, 2010 at 1:14 pm
@MattF: Have you ever seen the glow in the dark condom fight in the John Ritter movie “Skin Deep”? I
April 21st, 2010 at 1:15 pm
What if the doctor doesn’t want to be paid in chicken? What if the doctor has already been paid in lotz of chickens and no one will want to barter with him for more chickens? This is getting very complicated. Freedom
!
April 21st, 2010 at 1:16 pm
But what do we do if bird-flu pops up again? Switch to collard greens.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:17 pm
@jl:
Fur coat
Full frontal
Huey UH-34 or UH-1
M-60 machine gun
One leg on copter skid other folded up provocatively
JL - You are a “Real Man (or Woman) of Genius” (lifted from Bud Light commercial) You have single handedly defeated a plot to implement Socialism/Maoism (Pick your favorite ism) in this wonderful oligarchy of Dupont/Exxon Mobil/
Halliburton/Goldman Sucks and all the rest of the Nasdaq. Please let us know when you’ll be able to attend your medal of honor ceremony. Our corporate overlords will honor your name 4 evah or until the next time Paris Hilton makes a nekkid video.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:18 pm
@Crashman:
Yes, but how many beak jobs does one farm operation need?
dms
April 21st, 2010 at 1:18 pm
We are well and truly clucked.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:19 pm
@MattF:
Not only do they contain microchips from the Department of Defense that will migrate to your rectal-vaginal area and torture you whenever people dial their telephone numbers (which are posted on billboards for everyone to see) but the Census Bureau can use them to locate you and take away your guns and fishing poles.
Also, too.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:19 pm
@dmsilev: Breast enhancement might work. KFC would be interested.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:20 pm
@Punchy:
He’s willing to work for chicken feed.
@ruuffles:
Huge breasts for consumption? Makes tucking a few chickens in the wallet a bit more difficult, doesn’t it?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:20 pm
@Punchy: I’m still confused about this new chicken based economy. Are eggs worth something? Because, you know, they can become chickens someday. Is there an egg-based derivative market I should be making money on?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:21 pm
@jl: Hehe. Too much time on your hands? :-)
April 21st, 2010 at 1:25 pm
@DougL (frmrly: Conservatively Liberal):
What if we used some kind of representation of the chicken that would be easier to carry? Pieces of paper perhaps… They could be certified as being worth a certain number of chickens. We could then exchange the chicken notes for other things. Hell, they could become a medium of exchange. What do you guys think?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:25 pm
Does anyone have change for a goat?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Someone should start a rumor that the new $100 bill doesn’t have “In God We Trust” on it… that should be enough to set them off without checking into it.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:29 pm
And doctors thought Medicaid patients were a pain.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:29 pm
@Napoleon:
So it’s you! I thought that chicken looked scrawny when I accepted it in return for treatment, but the coloration was right. It wasn’t until I got it home that I realized it was just a pigeon painted to look like a chicken.
But I have my revenge: I’m not a real doctor, and I did a lousy job. After all, what were you going to do: stop payment on the chicken?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:31 pm
@andy: Too late. Read the comments on the Yahoo News story.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:31 pm
@Pangloss: Ask Mickey Kaus.
dms
April 21st, 2010 at 1:31 pm
@Omnes Omnibus:
That’s why I suggested Chicken Credit in the other thread. JP Morgan/Chase can buy all of the chicken farms and then issue their own line of Fowl Plastic.
How would you swipe a chicken? You can’t, you NEED a chicken credit card!
April 21st, 2010 at 1:32 pm
@Napoleon:
You owe me a new keyboard for that one – I take paypal/visa/krugerand/pigeons/chickens also too
April 21st, 2010 at 1:32 pm
@Pangloss:
Hang around,
myiq2xuGoatBoy will be by soon to break that goat up for ya.Poor goat…
April 21st, 2010 at 1:33 pm
@Crashman:
Remember those old chestnuts “never count your chickens before they hatch” and “a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush”? Well, under Lowdenomics those will be the first things you learn in Econ 101, and they will no longer be metaphors.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:35 pm
@DougL (frmrly: Conservatively Liberal): Once you go down that road, you will inevitably get CDOs (Chicken Debt Obligations). Is our new chicken based economy ready for that?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:35 pm
The only counterfeiting measure out money needs is the same one the Founding Fathers used to write the Constitution: ink laid down by hand with a quill.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:36 pm
@Warren Terra:
You went to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?
/Dr Nick Riviera
April 21st, 2010 at 1:36 pm
Please think back to the Virginia Senate Race of 2006 where much was made of George Allen’s “Macaca moment”. Someone with some brains saw that go wide on the intertubes and it helped lead to Allen’s defeat to Jim Webb.
Why is the idiocy of Lowden’s remark not being seen front and center on the ‘tubes???
On a slightly related note, I am the proud owner of a huge, gorgeous oil painting of an ocean sailing ship – four masts, I think – that was painted for my grandfather, who was a urologist in Chicago during the Depression as payment for care rendered. The ship’s name is the “Suark”, which is my grandfather’s name – Kraus – backward.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:40 pm
@thebassguy: Obama is having it printed on the skin of aborted fetuses.
And the ‘security’ measures are obviously tracking devices so Obama can keep tabs on his Republican enemies, since Democrats only conduct business with welfare checks, cups full of change, and Rials.
And I agree with Brach – the new bill should have had Obama’s COLB on it. That should become new Treasury policy.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:42 pm
@phoebes-in-santa fe: Google on ‘Chickens for Checkups’. The mockery has already begun.
dms
April 21st, 2010 at 1:45 pm
I’m not satisfied until the $100 bill talks, with Ben saying, “WHERE MAH HOES AT?” Cuz you know he would.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:49 pm
@Warren Terra: Lowdenomics. This needs to be a trending topic on Twitter.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:49 pm
1. Calligraphy is notoriously a Muslim art
2. Bill says “in god we trust” but engraver was thinking “Allah”
3. Instead of Benjamin Franklin, now features Franklin the token black Peanuts character.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:50 pm
“Also too, it’s a lot tougher to counterfeit a chicken than to counterfeit a piece of paper.”
Parts is parts.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:52 pm
tip: squab are just baby pigeons. You can get baby pigeons off the street and pass them off.
Some may call it sharp dealing, but I call it American Freedom Capitalism.
You’ll be able to afford fancier medicine with that trick.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:54 pm
I’m disappointed that during the hearing when the crazy lady was talking, nobody in the Georgia legislature pulled out their cellphone and said “Oh, that was you?”
April 21st, 2010 at 1:56 pm
Do you know who else redesigned his currency?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:56 pm
But seriously folks, the chicken currency thing is just a feint.
And ‘In God We Trust’ is still on the bill.
Lowden and those Yahoo commenters are in on the plot.
The security watermark pic is Jack Benny, not Franklin. That is the clue.
I’ve done my best. I’m off to collect some ‘squab’ to pay for my doctor appointment.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:56 pm
So, in a park near where I work, there’s a massive flock of free-range geese. What’s the going exchange rate between geese and chickens, and how many geese do I need in order to score a new liver?
dms
April 21st, 2010 at 1:57 pm
Did Obama make Ben Franklin look more gay to promote The Homosexual Agenda™?
April 21st, 2010 at 1:58 pm
@dmsilev: If you force feed the geese, their livers will enlarge; you can then take one and use it for yourself.
April 21st, 2010 at 1:59 pm
@jl:
It’s spelled “In God We Trust,” but it’s pronounced “Fart Proudly.”
April 21st, 2010 at 2:06 pm
THE ANTICHRIST OBAMANATION HAS EMBEDDED SECRET BARCODES IN OUR MONIES SO THAT THE BEAST CAN KNOW WHEN WE BUY WETSUITS.
STOCK UP ON GLENN BECK GOLDS TO SURVIVE THE COMING TRIBULATION
April 21st, 2010 at 2:08 pm
Uh, sorry that doesn’t look like European money. It still looks like the old, green, almost unchanged for hundreds of years US money that always looks so funny to me when I use it. A little more color, but not much.
Not that I could tell for most of that video, that was hilarious, it spent most of the time flying showing me closeups of Franklin’s nose and so on.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:11 pm
@Crashman:
@40
Where have you been? They securitized chickens in the 1980’s along with the mortgages.
They chopped up the chickens, bundled the pieces together and sold them to their customers.
Another company insured the bundles.
The problem arose when the customers ended up with gizzards and tails.
The Chicken Market Crach of 1990 helped get Clinton elected.
I have gone around the bend.
BBL if I come back within spittin’ distance of sanity.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:12 pm
I’m looking for the star and crescent. Where they hide it at?
April 21st, 2010 at 2:12 pm
@jl:
I don’t know, I think it could be a real problem if Wingnuts start paying with chickens. It’s even worse if they pay with rubber chickens, because those always bounce.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:14 pm
I for one am investing in chicken stock.
(I can’t believe I was first)
April 21st, 2010 at 2:15 pm
@Linda Featheringill:
I’m defending my Heritage, Linda, assuming that is your real name.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:15 pm
Can someone enlighten me if we’ll be trading with live chickens, or chicken meat? The latter will spoil quickly and offers the risk of salmonella, but if my paycheck is going to start coming in the form of live birds, I’m gonna need to start building one hell of a chicken coop soon.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:16 pm
Lotta Franklins spend time in noses, maybe it’s a how to video.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:18 pm
@Nylund: Please read my tip above: street squab is the way to go.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:21 pm
Let’s see, chickens cost roughly $82 USD a bird. So your typical call girl hooker goes for $300 USD an hour that means you will need about four chickens for a good time. So will hotel chains have to add chicken coups into their hotel rooms?
How do you make change of a chicken?
April 21st, 2010 at 2:22 pm
@scarshapedstar: they’ll have to pull my fishing pole from my cold, dead hand, BY GOD!
April 21st, 2010 at 2:24 pm
This must have come up already but have any Wingnuts started agitating for a chicken standard yet?
Gives “boullion” a whole new meaning I guess.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:31 pm
@Bob L:
Nuggets
In the remake of the classic James Bond movie, the villain Chicken Finger seeks to corner the market in chicken boullion cubes. Bond is helped by the babe Poulet Galore in stopping Chicken Finger’s plan.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:36 pm
@Omnes Omnibus:
No, that’s Chicken Dinner Obligations, where you’re required to go to your dotty old aunt’s place for supper as payment for debt. Chicken Dinner Swaps provides a market where traders can exchange white and dark meat quarter dinners in case the restaurant screwed up your order again.
That reminds me, I need to go to the Chicken Futures market at the Safeway ‘cuz I want a Denver omelet for dinner.
God, we can do this all day. With wingnuts the well never runs dry.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:40 pm
Oh my god. This chicken bartering system is the best thing ever—in turns of threads containing the funny. Let’s see. I have a dental appointment in a week. How many chickens am I gonna need for that?
So, I’m assuming the downlow market will be called the Rhode Island Red Market? Or simply Black Chicken Market? The Down Average? Coop Street?
April 21st, 2010 at 2:43 pm
Possibly, but a guy who hung around with the French so much has no business being on our money.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:44 pm
@gnomedad:
And an extra-special bonus for those who have enough of them to wipe their asses – subcutaneous implantation!
April 21st, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Now I’m literally working for chicken scratch.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:50 pm
If I were Obama, I would have put a picture of my bare, kissable ass on the $100.
I guess that’s why I’m not in politics.
April 21st, 2010 at 2:56 pm
@Pangloss: I like it!
By the way, our money is boring and blah. I like Asian currency (Taiwanese) better.
April 21st, 2010 at 3:06 pm
dead fetuses on one side of the hundred, a picture of gold coins on the other. the conservative pastiche.
April 21st, 2010 at 3:11 pm
@ericblair: Winner, winner, chicken dinner.
April 21st, 2010 at 3:11 pm
Counterfeit vs real chickens? They all look the same to me.
“Parts is parts.”
April 21st, 2010 at 3:17 pm
1. look up #lowdencare on twitter for laughs.
2. I’ve already seen wingnuts (#tcot) saying something about it on twitter
3. I have a chicken in my eye
April 21st, 2010 at 3:29 pm
Brings a whole new level of meaning to ‘spend your nest egg on medical care’.
dms
April 21st, 2010 at 3:40 pm
Lance thinks hard about chickens.
Like my grandma used to say, read the whole thing.
April 21st, 2010 at 3:43 pm
One would hope that a policy platform of bartered health care provision would be enough to sink one’s Senatorial ambitions. But I’m slightly pessimistic in today’s world of Faux. I expect Cavuto to trumpet the bartering economy as The Next Big Thing.
April 21st, 2010 at 3:59 pm
“They chopped up the chickens, bundled the pieces together and sold them to their customers.
Another company insured the bundles.”
So CDO means Chicken Debt Obligation?
April 21st, 2010 at 4:01 pm
@Herbal Infusion Bagger: The problem came when commodities bets that the bundled chicken which was expected to keep increasing in value proved to have been a mix of prime white chicken meat with salmonella-infected scrap parts.
Those who had bet on the pressed chicken bubble continuing often lost their heads in the collapse, and yet still ran around for weeks on end not knowing the damage which had already been done.
April 21st, 2010 at 4:05 pm
@IndieTarheel:
Oh, my FSM - I hadn’t thought of this before. It used to be that the height of conspicuous consumption was lighting a stogie with a C-note (which Obama is making less attractive, what with the plastic strip in the new C-note). But now we’re going to go back to the good old days (the 16th century, back before (most of) the Reformation, naturally) when Rabelais said that the most luxurious way of wiping one’s ass was to use the neck of a live goose:
I’m not sure how the banksters will do it in public, but obviously I’d hardly put it past them.
April 21st, 2010 at 4:20 pm
I thought you would carry your chickens on your belt, beside the onions.
April 21st, 2010 at 4:27 pm
I’ll bet a chicken that some wingnut compares the new $100 bill to Kenyan currency before Friday.
April 21st, 2010 at 5:44 pm
Or, in Cavutospeak—“Barter: the best economic system ever????”
April 21st, 2010 at 5:47 pm
Sitting in my Doctors office in Las Vegas waiting to see my doc for a annual checkup. I have 14 chickens with me, 9 for the doc, 3 for the blood test lab fees and two for my urinalysis. The lady next to me is being treated for “female problems” as she puts it. She 23 chickens with her. The older gentleman across the room with high blood pressure has only 3 chickens with him. All told there are 11 patients waiting and 104 chickens, not to mention the guy with the steer in the hallway. BTW I just got my new F 250 pickup last week, I traded in my old Explorer and 11,391 chickens for it, I think I got the deal of a lifetime and it pulls my chicken trailer with ease!
April 21st, 2010 at 6:32 pm
Oh no. Even our 100 dolla bills are in 3D now!
My eyes! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhh (goes cross-eyed)
April 21st, 2010 at 6:52 pm
Topmost Headline on Drudge:
EVEN OBAMA’S NEW $100 BILL LOOKS EUROPEAN…
Might as Well Be a Euro…
Right on cue…you a genius.
April 21st, 2010 at 8:32 pm
@jp2:
Indeed, my understanding is that Greece’s woes come not from lacking control of a currency poorly suited to their economic state but instead from the European flamboyance and colorfulness of the notes they use.
April 21st, 2010 at 10:07 pm
@Mike G:
HI Mike,
Is that you?
April 22nd, 2010 at 1:16 am
@Warren Terra: And that is why I love this blog.
THREAD.OF.THE.YEAR.
April 22nd, 2010 at 6:54 am
But I wonder- are DHEA free chickens worth more or less? Whats the currency conversion for free- range over factory farm chix?
Thats gotta be worth some scratch.
April 22nd, 2010 at 11:40 am
@Mike G:
For reference.
April 22nd, 2010 at 11:42 am
[...] thought this funny. Yesterday around noon, DougJ at Balloon Juice wrote: All about the [...]
April 22nd, 2010 at 2:42 pm